Tag Archives: humor

Feb 06 2015
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Random Thoughts Part 2

Yes, noble readers, while most of you think normal thoughts, like, “I think I’d like to put some grape jelly on my toast today,” I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, am cursed to consider more bizarre machinations, such as:

11)  Is it racist that Webster called his adopted mother, “Ma’am?”

12)  Was The Facts of Life a 1980’s version of Little Women that left Louisa May Alcott rolling in her grave?

I lie awake at night thinking about this stuff.  I really do.  Stuff like:

13)  Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?  And is whoever put the ram in the rama lama ding dong still at large?

:::pounds my fist on the interrogation table and shines the hot light on the suspect:::  “TELL ME!  TELL ME RIGHT NOW WHAT I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE BOMP OR I’M GOING TO WALK TO THE NEXT ROOM AND MAKE A DEAL WITH YOUR BUDDY, THE DING DONG!””

14)  Are timelines real?  With every choice you make, no matter how big or small, do you make an infinite number of timelines, reflective of the outcomes of the various choices you could have made?  If so, is there another me who actually puts book reviews on his book blog?

15)  What is the meaning of life?  Does it involve cheese?

16)  In the highly-evolved world of Star Wars, why would anyone use a lightsaber, when laser pistols are so readily available?  In our own less modern world, we stopped using swords once we developed bullets.  In a world where laser guns are available, are people really going to use swords made out of light just because they look badass?

Yes.  Yes they are.

17)  Why don’t I sponsor one of those third world children they keep showing me on TV?  They tell me I could change those kids’ lives for forty cents a day.  I can spare forty cents a day.  It’s not that I don’t have forty cents, it’s just that I’m too damn lazy to fill out the form, go to the website, make the call, or do whatever you have to do to sponsor one of these kids?

Sigh.  Somewhere in a country ruled by a man with a tall hat and a uniform filled with self-awarded medals, there is a hungry kid whose malaria could be cured if I’d just get out of my own way long enough to figure out how to send it to him.

18)  If I were to strap myself to a catapult, shoot myself through the stratosphere, into the cosmos, to the edge of the universe to the point where it all just loops around and I complete a perfect 360 degree journey back to where I started – would I be able to pick up right where I left off, or would there be another me there to contend with?

19)  Why must we grow old?  Why must we get ill and sick before we pass on?  Why can’t we just stay youthful until we’re a hundred and then just fall asleep under a cherry tree?

20)  A man begins a journey in Texas.  He takes a plane to India, and said plane travels at a rate of 80 miles per hour.  A woman begins her journey in Moscow, where she takes a train to Norway, said train traveling at a rate of 72 miles per hour.  Given that the wind speed variables have been taken into consideration, that the Earth is in perfect alignment with Mars, and that neither party has a considerable advantage over the other…what will they eat for dinner?

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Feb 05 2015
13 Comments
Not About Books

Asked and Anticipated Questions Re: One Post a Day Challenge

Blogger/Author Tommy Muncie posed this comment, so finely crafted, that I felt it merited an entire post:

Respect to you for doing this…I couldn’t write a short post if I tried (you’ve probably noticed) and trying one per day would probably give me an aneurysm. On that note, I reckon you’ll achieve the goal but I’m wondering how you’ll get past the day you get sick, as in the kind of sick where you’re bedridden and narcoleptic and running the kind of temperature the Sahara Dessert would be jealous of and thinking ‘Must…get…to….wordpress!’ and then your body knocks you out when you try. I read your random questions post tonight as well, so here’s a question: could you get past a day like that and still post?

– Tommy Muncie

ANSWER – I’ve been scheduling posts in advance, in the hopes of avoiding this very scenario.  However, should I fall violently ill, I will use my last bit of energy to make a post.  It won’t be anything fancy or spectacular, it will just be “post” or I’ll just bang on the keys and click “post” just to meet the once a day requirement.

Further, if, say, I am hit by a bus or otherwise left incapacitated, I have engaged a team of individuals to post in my stead, mimicking my subtle nuances and character, so that you will not even notice I am gone.

Actually, I haven’t done that, but now that I’m worried about illnesses and bus attacks on my person, I will have to do so.

Thanks a lot, Muncie!

Now that I’ve answered that question, here some others I anticipate you, my audience of three readers, may have:

QUESTION:  Suppose you are cornered by a team of robot ninjas who stand between you and your computer, preventing you from making a post?  Will you yield on your promise to us, the readers, to make one post a day?

ANSWER:  Absolutely not.  I scoff in the face of danger.  Few are aware of this, but I was trained in the martial arts by Chuck Norris.  I payed it forward by training Steven Seagal, teaching him all the moves he displayed in his movies from the 1980’s and 90’s, though I take no credit from his later films where he got fat and teamed up with Tom Arnold.

QUESTION:  An asteroid is careening towards Earth.  You have one minute to save the world and you have not yet posted on this particular day.  What do you do?

ANSWER:  I make a quick post, then I frighten the asteroid back into space with a glare so fearsome that it clearly communicates to the asteroid my disapproval of its tiresome behavior.

QUESTION:  A grizzly bear demands to fist fight you in a steel cage UFC championship bout.  The prize?  Your computer.  If you win, you get to post.  If you loose, the bear eats your computer.

ANSWER:  My post will be a selfie of me wearing the bear’s oily hide as a coat.

QUESTION:  Aliens invade.  They detonate an electromagnetic pulse that renders all electronic equipment useless.

ANSWER:  It’s fine.  I scheduled an advance post.

QUESTION:  You didn’t.  You were too busy watching Game of Thrones, that show that Tommy Muncie is not impressed with.  Blasphemy, I say.

ANSWER:  I did post.

QUESTION:  You didn’t.

ANSWER:  Well, if your computer is taken out too, then how can you be sure I didn’t?

QUESTION:  Well played, sir.  Well played.

QUESTION:  You are kidnapped by Russians, who want your blog down because it is too awesome.  They throw you, your computer, and a parachute out of a plane, but separately, not together.

ANSWER:  I dive myself to the computer, post, then put on the parachute.  Note that my first instinct was to post, not to save myself.

QUESTION:  Katy Perry and Katee Sackhoff, two of your favorite Katies in the entire world, barge into your domicile, each wearing their customary garb.  Perry is in her California Girls video costume, while Sackhoff is in her Battlestar Galactica pilot gear.  They offer to have their way with you, but the price?  You must not post for one day.

ANSWER:  Define “have their way with me.”  I understand the classical connotation, but it is an open ended term that can be taken a variety of ways.  Thus far, in my experience, a woman “having her way with me” means she sucks up all my money, provides me with a longwinded speech about how we should just be friends, and then said friendship inevitably requires that I console her while she, with a cat in one hand and a pint of ice cream in the other, whines to me about how the men she wants to be more than friends with aren’t nice to her.  I feel such a situation would not be worth sacrificing the respect of my three readers for.

QUESTION:  The classical connotation.

ANSWER:  Ah.  Wow.  That is a tough one.  They won’t even allow me to post just so I can brag about it?

QUESTION: No.

ANSWER:  Well, I made a promise to all three of my fans, so I would invite the Katies in for a rousing game of Parcheesi, perhaps build a few jigsaw puzzles with them, then send them on their way in time to make a post.  That’s just what a selfless man who has made a commitment does.

QUESTION:  Would you resent us forever for it?

ANSWER:  Yes.

Do you have questions about what I would do in a potential scenario that would make it difficult for me to post?  Ask away in the comments.

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Feb 04 2015
3 Comments
Not About Books

Random Thoughts…

…that plague the mind of Bookshelf Q. Battler, in no particular order:

1)  Why does Elsa view her magic freeze powers as a curse?  Why does she not use them to control the world and rule her subjects with an icey fist?

2)  Why do they put braille on restroom door signs?  Do blind men rub their hands all over the walls of public buildings, find a braille door sign, go, “Whoops! That’s the ladies room!” and then feel their way around again to the men’s room?  And would it matter if he went into the wrong room?  Because, you know, he’s blind, so it’s not like he’s going to see anything.

Yes, noble readers, who have followed me on my year long quest to post once a day, these are the thoughts that fill the deep recesses of my mind.  Trivial, absurd, ridiculous minutiae that few bother to even consider.

Thoughts like:

3)  Why do aliens only abduct people from the South?  And why do aliens abduct humans at all anymore?  One would think at some point, their skilled alien scientists would reach a limit as to what can be learned from probe related experiments.  I dare say, somewhere in outer space, an alien scientist has published an article entitled, “Stop Probing the Humans, We Figured Them All Out” and yet, it’s being ignored, because he only posted it on alien wordpress.

4)  If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?  Yes –  KKKKKRRRRRRRRRACCCCCK BOOOOOOM!

5) Why does Hollywood ugly up good looking people so they can play ugly people?  They did it to Charlize Theron in Monster and Christian Bale in American Hustle.  Somewhere, there is an overweight man with a combover who would have been perfect to played the lead role in American Hustle.  The poor guy probably ignored advice from countless friends and family members – “No!  Don’t move to Hollywood and try to be an actor!  There will never be a part for a fat man with a combover!”  And finally, finally!  There’s a part for a fat man with a combover and what do they do?  They take a handsome man, stuff his shirt with a pillow, and give him a fake combover wig.

Damn you, beautiful people!  Don’t you already have enough?  Why must you steal parts from the ugly?

6)  If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.  If you teach a man to fish, he will eat for a lifetime.  If you take a man to Crazy Larry’s All-You-Can-Eat Discount Fish Nugget Bar, he will get food poisoning.

7)  How was it possible for the A-Team to evade justice for so many years?  How was the government not able to find a team that included the handsomest man in the world, an old man who smoked a giant stogie everywhere he went, a lunatic who inevitably broke out into loud and boisterous songs, and an enormous bodybuilder who was dripping with solid gold chains?

8)  Was Stonehenge an ancient druid singles bar?

9) Is the Yeti little more than Big Foot’s Arctic cousin?

10)  When Santa delivers a kid an X-Box, does he have to pay Bill Gates a royalty?

Join me tomorrow, I was will bring you more…RANDOM THOUGHTS.

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Jan 02 2015
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Writing

New Year Resolutions

Face it.  At Christmas time, you beat yourself up pretty bad, didn’t you?  “I told myself I was going to fix X problem last year and another year has gone by!”

Yes.  Yes, it certainly has.  They always do.  Those years go by quick.

And so, with renewed vim and great vigor, we march gallantly into the New Year.

By Christmas 2015, I vow I will, in no particular order: lose weight, exercise more, take better care of myself, write my novel, become nicer to my fellow man, find my special someone, save more money, tell that jerk that’s been bothering me where to stick his/her insults, run a marathon, dress better, eat better, learn how to speak Italian, donate my time to a soup kitchen, sponsor one of those African kids they keep showing in commercials, take dancing lessons, visit another country, pick up the phone and call X relative, friend, neighbor, long lost podiatrist that I haven’t spoken to in ages and am now just afraid to because it will seem weird since so much time has gone by.  I will bake a cake, go ice fishing, kayak down the river rabbits, fight a grizzly bear single handed and skin him alive using nothing but my wits, pelting him into submission with sticks and berries.  I will go skydiving.  I will go snorkeling.  I will go parasailing. I will learn how to play the guitar, piano, ukulele, and the French horn.   I will take yoga classes and start saying things like “Namaste.” I will one-up Ebenezer Scrooge and find one starving orphan child per day, and give said child enough money to buy a goose – living or dead, it doesn’t matter what kind of goose the child gets to me, the point is, the child will be able to eat the goose, or keep it as a pet to distract himself from his hunger, whichever he so may choose to do.  I will develop mental telepathy and change the channel on my television with just a flick of the wrist, no remote control required.  I’ll develop ESP and convince others to watch ESPN.

And while we’re on the subject of television, here are some bad habits I vow to rid my life of once in for all.  I will turn my television off and never turn it on again until New Year’s 2016.  I will not watch Mad Men, Justified, Walking Dead, Reruns of Breaking Bad, Homeland, Fargo, Game of Thrones, True Detective, nor will I watch the new crap they churn out, get me addicted to, then cancel.  I will smash my Xbox with a hammer and vow to not play a video game ever this entire year.  My body will be a temple and I will be its master.  I will embrace a healthy diet.  I will not eat one item of junk food and will never visit a fast food restaurant in the entire year of 2015.  I will drink nothing but rarified mineral water from the artesian wells of Iceland, collected and bottled by actual, legitimate Icelanders and not just wannabes who move to Iceland for the swanky nightlife scene and then just try to blend in.  I will eat nothing but hummus, lettuce, carrots, and if I’m feeling crazy, I’ll allow a full blown watercress sandwich with extra cress.  I will not utter one swear word this entire year.  Anyone who offends me will not be offered a return insult but rather, a caring and concerned ear to listen to all their problems, no matter how bullshit they may be.

Why am I doing all of this?  Because it is the New Year!  I was depressed at my various Christmas social gatherings, lamenting how I vowed to do all of these things by the end of last year, and yet there I was, at Christmas 2014, still watching Mad Men and the Walking Dead, swearing at everyone, playing video games, not walking any marathons whatsoever, a Big Mac in one hand and a bottle of Norwegian Ice Water in the other.  I hadn’t bought a single orphan a livestock bird that they could either eat or keep as a pet.  I hadn’t touched a single vat of hummus the entire year.  Italian people were coming up to me at the Christmas party left and right and I was completely clueless as to what in the hell they were saying.  My long lost podiatrist was still left with the feeling that I didn’t give a shit about him.  I had yet to learn Mental Telepathy, my guitar, ukulele, and French horn were collecting dust in a corner, and that African kid was still unsponsored, despite all the coffee I drank like a selfish imbecile, any one of those cups of coffees could have been used to purchase vital medicines and care packages for said starving child.  And you want to know the real coup de grace?  That guy who’s a real jerk that I never told off?  He and the grizzly bear were openly mocking me the entire Christmas party.

But there will be no more of that crap this year!  For I, the Bookshelf Battler, a book scholar, renowned all over the world and some parts of Mars, depending on their satellite receptions, truly understand the power of a New Year!  New Year’s Day is a momentous time, a time when the disappointments of the previous year are still fresh, and yet there is still hope for the new year, the hope that I can look at the calendar, and there will be 365 fresh days that I can start putting to good use, with the hope that by the 2015 Christmas party my colon will be a hummus lined picture of good health, that entire flocks of geese will be donated to orphans, and maybe even to African kids if they’ll accept them and allow me to keep my coffee money, that I will wow everyone at the next Christmas party by playing the ukulele while making all the Christmas ornaments dance with my mental telepathy skills.  I will not attend the Christmas party alone, but rather, with the supermodel I will convince to go with me using my newfound powers of ESP.  When people at the 2015 Christmas party ask me, “Can you believe what Don Draper did?”  I will say, “Hey, no spoilers pal!”  If I can’t find the bathroom, I’ll go up to the closest Italian person and ask, “D’ove il bagno?”  What?  Did I just run, “Where is the bathroom through Google Translate?”  No, you dirty son of a…no, wait, hey, come here, what’s the matter?  Tell me all your problems.  I’m sure they are all legitimate and not made up at all.

Yes, at that Christmas party at the end of this year, I will wow the attendees with pictures of my skydiving, paralleling, snorkeling trip – where I did all three at the same time by jumping out of a plane, falling to just above the Earth, where I then lassoed a boat, allowed it to pull me for a while, then cut anchor, and swam three miles with the fish off the coast of Capastrano.

AND AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I WILL DO IT ALL IN MY NEW BEAR SKIN COAT.

Yes, I know this will all happen, because 2014 is not only gone, but it was a tremendous disappointment.  I will not make the same mistakes.  I will not fall back into the same bad habits.  This will be the year that I spend each and every day doing the right thing and making the exactly correct decisions because gosh darn it, I now have FINALLY learned the lesson that the next year will be over in the blink of an eye, so I’d best make the most of it, so that I am not depressed at the 2015 Christmas party.

What?  It’s Jan. 2 already?  Fuck it.  Somebody get me a Big Mac.  Well played, Bear.  Well played.

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Aug 27 2014
2 Comments
Writing

Writer’s Battle – More Expressions

HAPPY AS A CLAM – – Really? I have found every clam I have ever met to be downright morose.

BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE – This means “to be in a difficult situation with no visibly correct answer.” To be more accurate, the expression should be, “Stuck between a rolling boulder and a hard place.” Because really, if the rock is already there and the hard place is right next to it, and there’s enough room between them, and assuming the rock is immobile and the hard place aka a wall isn’t going anywhere, then you should be able to walk between the two with great ease. Just be careful to not end up like that guy from that movie that had to cut his arm off after a rock fell on it.

TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT – I had dinner once with a newcomer to the country and used this phrase. He thought I was trying to tell him to put salt on his food. I had to explain that it was an expression that meant “to be skeptical of a statement that has been told to you.” I assume the connotation is that if you have a piece of steak on your fork, it might look deceptively tasty, but you might want to put some salt on it just in case. Of course, this expression was invented before people realized too much salt is bad for you.

THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE – In other words, people always assume that others have it better than they do. You think your grass stinks but your neighbor’s grass looks all lush and green. It could be you are paranoid because at the end of the day, grass is grass. Or, it could be you are absolutely right and your neighbor is an expert gardner, astute in the art of watering, mowing, and fertilizing grass to give it that beautiful emerald glow whereas your grass looks like a dried up hay field. There are sometimes when the grass is actually greener but rather than hate on a person with greener grass, you should try to learn from him.

YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO – Wrong. I have literally been the rightful owner of every piece of cake I have ever eaten. I go to a party. The host hands me a piece of cake. The host has transferred ownership of the piece of cake to me. I now have it. And now I eat it. Mindblown.

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Aug 26 2014
1 Comment
Writing

The Writer’s Battle – Expression Challenge Continued

Just a few more, in no random order:

LIKE WATER OFF A DUCK’S BACK – Has anyone ever poured water on a duck to test this? Last I noticed, ducks still get wet. I’m not aware that ducks have a teflon coating.

I DON’T GIVE A RAT’S ASS – Well, if the point is to convey you don’t care, then I suppose this would qualify. By saying this, you’re actually saying that you don’t care enough about something to even give the butt of a verminous rodent for it. Even so, I’m trying think when in our history were rat butts ever considered a form of currency.

IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE – Please, like rocket science is that hard. If you had a degree in rocket scientology, you could build those things all the time.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT – People usually say this right before they say something disrespectful. “With all due respect sir, you smell like the business end of an elephant on a hot August day.”

YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU – Used to convey the message to people they should spend their money now because they can’t spend it when they’re gone, i.e. “you can’t take it with you.” Although, that’s not really accurate because Egyptian Pharaohs took their stuff with them all the time.

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Aug 23 2014
3 Comments
Writing

The Writer’s Battle – Expression Challenge – “It is what it is.”

EXPRESSION: It is what it is.

MEANING: A situation that is difficult yet must be accepted as is, for it is unchangeable.

EXAMPLE: MARGOT: Hi Becky. Just wanted to say I am sorry to hear that your lousy husband stole all your money, ran off with your sister to Paraguay, and started a folk music jazz fusion band together. Moreover, I was chagrined to hear that their new hit single, “Becky Sucks in Every Conceivable Way,” which is basically just a list of all of your faults set to a melody, has not only gone triple platinum but has had a Sirius XM channel devoted to playing it on a continuous loop 24/7.

BECKY: It is what it is.

COMMENTARY: I really despise this one. These days, I mostly see it posted all over facebook, social media, etc. People trying to be cool about a situation by saying the obvious – “It is what it is.” Of course it is! What else could it be? Unfortunately, we live in a society where everyone is so sensitive about every little thing that if you complain about something negative in your life people start to become amateur psychologists and try to diagnose you with depression. No one can just take two seconds to complain about a crappy situation without everyone getting all flustered. “Oww! I hate that I stubbed my toe! That really bugs me!” “Really? Sounds like you are well into the advanced stages of the early onset of clinical depression! Get ‘ye to an insane asylum posthaste!”

So to avoid people making a big deal about something, people just say “It is what it is.” It sounds negative without being negative. It lets someone complain without complaining.

ORIGINS: “It is what it is.” Surely, that has to be a grandiose philosophical statement of epic proportions. I can see Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato all sitting around in their togas, pondering the mysteries of this phrase.”

PLATO: What is it?

ARISTOTLE: It is something, surely. Something it must be.

SOCRATES: It is what it is.

ARISTOTLE AND PLATO: Whoa!

Over time, various philosophers and political movements got their grubby mitts on this expression and twisted it to suit their own ends:

COMMUNISM: If it’s yours, it should be ours!

FACISM: If it’s theirs, it should be ours!

CAPITALISM: Screw you! It’s mine!

EXISTENTIALISM: It is to the extent you believe it is.

NIETZCHEISM: There it is…enjoy it while it lasts.

MACHIAVELLIANISM: Make it yours before the other guy makes it his.

1960’s HIPPY-ISM: It is like whatever, man.

DARWINISM: If it is the best, it lasts longer than the rest.

PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN: That’s right. You heard me. I’m about to tilt the world’s philosophical axis, right here on a dorky book blog website. Check out my own flawless philosophy:

It is what it is.

If it is what it is, then —> Is it not what it is not?

BUT —> If it IS NOT what it IS NOT…

THEN—> IT MUST BE WHAT IT IS NOT!

AND THEREFORE:

The transitive property teaches us that IT is both what IT IS *AND* what it IS NOT!

I know! I should have told you to sit down for that one, right! Are your heads ok? Did they blow up? Did I just lose half my readership? Am I down to only six readers now? I’ll have to make it six more to make it an even dozen.

You may scoff, but if you think about it – is a person not defined by a) what he is and at the same time b) what he is not? Is a person who is a) a good person also b) not a bad person? Is a person who is a) a dentist also b) not a race car driver?

Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Go tell it on the mountain! It’s the Expression Challenge now till Labor Day on bookshelfbattle.com where once in awhile, the proprietor actually does review a book!

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Aug 23 2014
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TV

Hi I’m Troy McClure…

…and you might remember me from such book blogs as “Bookshelfbattle.com” and “Return to the Valley of Bookshelfbattle.com!”

In honor of the Simpsons Marathon on FXX, “Every Simpsons Ever!” I’m posting the following filmography of everyone’s favorite Hollywood hack, Troy McClure. Voiced by the late, great Phil Hartman, the character was a mockery of celebrities who have fallen from stardom and are forced to take part in lame projects they view as beneath them. In Troy’s case, he was always featured in some movie, film, TV special that was incorporated into the Simpsons’ plot and he’d introduce himself by saying, “Hi I’m Troy McClure! You might remember me from such films as…” and then he’d go on to list two hilariously titled films.

Without further ado:

Hi! I’m Troy McClure! You might remember me from…

1) …such films as “Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die” and “Gladys the Groovy Mule.”

2)…such educational films as “Smoke Yourself Thin!” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”

3) …such films as “The Greatest Story Ever Hula-ed” and “They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall!”

4) …such driver education films as “Alice’s Adventures through the Windshield Glass” and “The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot.”

5) …such cartoons as “Christmas Ape” and “Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp”

6) …such educational films as “Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly” and “Here Comes the Metric System!”

7) …such Fox Network Specials as “Alien Nose Job” and “The Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show!”

8) …such telethons as “Out with Gout 88” and “Let’s Save Tony Orlando’s House”

9) …such films as “P is for Psycho” and “The President’s Neck is Missing”

10) …such TV spinoffs as “Son of Sanford and Son” and “After Mannix.”

There’s plenty more where that came from. What’s your favorite Troy McClure movie title? Or, for that matter, what’s your favorite Simpsons quote?

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Aug 22 2014
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Books, Writing

The Writer’s Battle – Expressions

Expressions – you hear them all the time.  They’re those pesky figures of speech that everyone says but no one knows where they came from.  And sometimes, when you really sit there and think about them – they’re kind of weird.

Here’s some that are on my mind:

EXPRESSION:  “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”

MEANING:  It is possible to achieve the same end through various means.

EXAMPLE:  “Hey Fred!”  Pete said.  “I ran out of glue and now I can’t finish my collage of 17th Century Prussian Warlords!  What the hell should I do know?”

Pete stroked his beard in a thoughtful manner and replied, “Why don’t you try some chewed up Grape Bubbalicious?  After all, there’s more than one way to skin a cat!”

COMMENTARY:  When you think about it, this expression is sick.  Apparently, based on the expression’s continued existence in the modern lexicon, there was at one point in the world’s history a booming cat skinning operation.  Whether people skinned cats for industrious profit or leisurely sport I am unaware.  Yet, cat skinning must have been prevalent at some point for people to have coined this expression.

GUESS AT HOW IT WAS INVENTED:  Two cat skinners, 1 and 2, were discussing a vexing problem in 1’s life.  2 suggested a variety of possible methods of solving 1’s problem, adding “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”  1, a veteran cat skinner, keenly aware of and experienced in a wide range of cat skinning techniques, devices, and methods, knew instantly that 2 was attempting to convey the message that there was more than one way to remedy his conundrum.  Thus, a new expression was born.

THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE EXPRESSION CHALLENGE – In an effort to motivate myself to engage in more bloggery, from now until Labor Day I will be consulting with Expression Scientists all over the globe to explain to you, the noble reader, not only how our most prevalent expressions were invented, but also, how they are pretty weird when you think about them.

Have an expression you’d like to see decompressed?  Post it in the comment section below.

As always, thank you for stopping by.  Stop by more often, will you?  I’ve seen cholesterol numbers higher than my stats. 

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Jul 26 2014
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Game of Thrones

Comic Con – Game of Thrones Bloopers

Comic Con is underway in San Diego. Wish I was there. Here’s a look at the Game of Thrones Blooper real shown at the GoT panel:

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