Daily Archives: April 29, 2016

Mark Twain on Zombies

marktwainfaceSamuel Langhorne Clemens, better known to the world as Mark Twain, is widely regarded as one of America’s finest novelists, providing wit and humor with such works as Tom Sawyer and the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

Alas, Mr. Twain was among many Americans who found themselves on the wrong side of the Mississippi River when the West Was Zombed, but he made the best of it by jotting down his observations about humans, zombies and their interactions:

  • When it comes to zombies, there are three kinds of lies: lies about zombies, damned lies about zombies, and zombie related statistics.”
  • “The fear of death at the hands of zombies follows from the fear of a life spent surrounded by zombies. A man who lives fully despite the zombie hordes’ worst intentions is prepared to die at any time, be it by zombie attack or by natural causes.”
  • “Get your facts about zombies first and then you can distort your facts about zombies as much as you please.”
  • “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education about zombies.”
  • “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. And now it is filled with damn zombies.”
  • “The secret to getting ahead of a zombie horde is to get started on skewering their rotten brains.”
  • “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Meanwhile, the zombies will not give a shit.”
  • “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything…except don’t forget to bring a hammer…to box the ears of marauding zombies.”
  • “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. And don’t even get me started on naked zombies…”
  • “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. Also, the zombies will hear you and break down your door and feast on your brains.”
  • “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.  Just don’t let a zombie eat your mind.”
  • “Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. But if you are deaf and blind, the zombies will probably eat you first.”
  • “Courage is resistance to fear of zombies, mastery of fear of zombies, not absence of fear of zombies.”
  • “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. I inevitably put my cigar out in a zombie’s eye and then try, try again in the morn.”
  • “When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear at zombies.”
  • “It’s not the size of the zombie in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the zombie.”
  • “I can live for two months on a good compliment. Three, if a zombie doesn’t devour my brains.”
  • “It’s no wonder that the truth about zombies is stranger than zombie fiction. Zombie fiction has to make sense.”
  • “I didn’t attend the funeral of the man who was eaten by zombies, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it (the funeral, that is, not the man’s dismemberment at the hands of zombies.)”


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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 86


Slade peeked his head around the corner of the late Townsend’s Blacksmith Shop. The only sign of life was a lone bunny rabbit hopping across the street.

Wearing Joe’s silver tipped bullet bandolier across his chest, Slade took Sarah by the hand and gave the group the all clear.

“Move,” he commanded.

Gunther and Miss Bonnie followed, weapons at the ready. Miles, wearing his blanket like a cloak, crossed the street next.

The Reverend stuck with Miles.

Doc and Annabelle brought up the rear.

“Bunny!” Annabelle cried out uncontrollably as soon as she saw the big eared hare.

Her outburst was immediately met with a shush laden rebuke from the group.

“You must keep your voice down, my dear,” Doc whispered.

“But he’s so adorable!” Annabelle whispered back.

“Then we shall get you a hundred rabbits as soon as we cross the Mississippi,” Doc whispered.

“I don’t know if I need a hundred,” Annabelle replied.  “That’d be so cute though. I could take a bath in bunnies.”

“Will you two shut your gobs?” Miss Bonnie asked.

Slade reached the livery first. He kicked open the front door. Chance reared back on his hind legs and whinnied loudly until he recognized his rider.

Miss Bonnie brushed her hand along the horse’s coat to calm him down, then led him to Doc’s wagon.

She knew it instantly by the words emblazoned on the side in red paint, “Doc Farraday’s Miracle Cure-All: Embrace a Life of Good Health with Cocaine Today!”

Slade and Miss Bonnie hitched Chance up to Doc’s wagon. Then he put his hands on Sarah’s shoulders.

“Miss Lassiter is one of Highwater’s toughest citizens,” Slade said. “You’re in good hands.”

Sarah hugged Slade and held him close. “Come with me. You don’t have to save this town. The people here have clearly never appreciated you.”

“It’s not about the town anymore,” Slade said. “I need to save America, or else none of us will be safe.”

The bride pressed her lips against Slade’s. She attempted to kiss him deeply but didn’t get much in return.

“For luck,” Sarah said.

Miss Bonnie, standing just behind and to the left of Sarah, stuck a finger in her mouth and pretended to gag.

Slade ignored it. He looked to Miss Bonnie. “Just keep heading South. I’ll find you.”

He caught himself and looked at Sarah. “All of you. I’ll find all of you.”

The Reverend left his booze back at the church. A leather bound bible was the only item he carried with him.

“Well then,” the preacher said. “If we’ve all said our goodbyes, it’s onward Christian soldiers before we all become zombie chow, yes?”

Miss Bonnie hugged her ex-employee. “Annabelle, won’t you change your mind and come with us?”

“Bonnie I’ll never forget you,” Annabelle said. “You taught me everything I know about…”

The prostitute caught a glimpse of Sarah’s disapproving eyes and changed course. “About that thing…”

“Which thing?” Miss Bonnie asked. “Hell, I never once did that thing you and that pervert do in my entire life.”

“He’s the best man I’ve ever met,” Annabelle said.

“Then look harder,” Miss Bonnie replied. “I don’t trust him.”

“I do,” Annabelle said. She looked around. “Where is he anyway?”

Annabelle walked toward the door. As she got closer to it, she heard some strange sounds.

Teeth crunching on bones. Lips smacking. And an erudite doctor whispering to himself, “Oh yes…yes…so succulent…so tender…mmm…yes.”

Annabelle stepped outside and caught Doc red handed…and red faced…red everything’d. Blood had squirted all over the good doctor’s face as he chomped into the limp bunny carcass as if it were a chicken dinner.


Surprised, Doc hid the tiny, mangled bunny corpse behind his back.

Annabelle frowned. “Was that the…”

“What?” Doc asked.

“What are you hiding behind your back?” Annabelle asked.

“Nothing my dear.”

Doc’s blank eyes darted up and to the right as he whistled a jaunty tune and pretended that everything was fine.

Annabelle stood there waiting with her hands on her hips. Finally, Doc realized the jig was up and revealed the deceased bunny.

“I’m sorry, my dear,” Doc said as he hanged his head down. “It would seem that I have a problem.”

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How the West Was Zombed – Part 8 – Plans


Plans.  Everyone has them.

Slade’s isn’t much of one.  He intends to send his bride away in the care of Miss Bonnie, the woman he loves the most.  After that, he and Gunther will take Blythe head on, hopefully with Standing Eagle’s help.

Meanwhile, Lady Blackwood beseeches the Chairman to set aside the board’s plans in favor of her own.

And Doc? He’s planning to do something with two mysterious documents.

Chapter 73             Chapter 74         Chapter 75

Chapter 76             Chapter 77         Chapter 78

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