It is with a heavy heart today that I must announce my retirement from the world of blogging.
My list of reasons is long and voluminous, the top grievances being:
- Two years in and I only have 3.5 readers. Don’t get me wrong. You guys are great. But I really thought I’d have a cool 7 by now.
- WordPress has yet to feature me on Freshly Pressed, as if there are a plethora of blogs about the adventures of a magical bookshelf caretaker/town mayor who fights zombies and yetis, hangs out with an alien and is trying to launch a writing career in order to appease an intergalactic dictator to choose from.
- I recently figured out how to play with myself. I know. I am a late, late bloomer. Even so, unlike blogging, it gets me more results with less work.
- Speaking of, I’m tired of blogging while hiding in the bathroom while various time sucking people in my life bang on the door.
TIME SUCKING PEOPLE: BQB! We need you to spend all of your free time solving every one of our stupid problems! You better not be pursuing your life long dream of becoming a writer in there!
BQB: Writing? What? No! Really! I swear I’m just masturbating.
And really, when it all comes down to it, that last reason is the main reason why I must bid you all adieu. Many of you folks are fine, fine people. I read your blogs and you’re always talking about wonderful people in your lives who support your dreams and leave you all the time in the world to put pen to paper.
I on the other hand do not know a single person who can chew bubblegum and walk at the same time without my intervention and I’m tired of staying up until 2 A.M. just to write.
So I quit. Had God wanted me to write, he’d of let self-publishing become a thing in 1999, back when I was a Funky Hunk, capable of staying up all night without feeling like dropping dead the next day.
Thanks for everything, 3.5 readers. I’m going to sell this blog to Japanese businessmen, who will fill it with videos of Japanese people yelling loudly in Japanese about ordinary household cleaning products.