Daily Archives: April 1, 2016

Dear 3.5 Readers

It is with a heavy heart today that I must announce my retirement from the world of blogging.

My list of reasons is long and voluminous, the top grievances being:

  • Two years in and I only have 3.5 readers.  Don’t get me wrong.  You guys are great.  But I really thought I’d have a cool 7 by now.
  • WordPress has yet to feature me on Freshly Pressed, as if there are a plethora of blogs about the adventures of a magical bookshelf caretaker/town mayor who fights zombies and yetis, hangs out with an alien and is trying to launch a writing career in order to appease an intergalactic dictator to choose from.
  • I recently figured out how to play with myself.  I know.  I am a late, late bloomer.  Even so, unlike blogging, it gets me more results with less work.
  • Speaking of, I’m tired of blogging while hiding in the bathroom while various time sucking people in my life bang on the door.

TIME SUCKING PEOPLE:  BQB!  We need you to spend all of your free time solving every one of our stupid problems!  You better not be pursuing your life long dream of becoming a writer in there!

BQB: Writing? What?  No!  Really! I swear I’m just masturbating.

And really, when it all comes down to it, that last reason is the main reason why I must bid you all adieu.  Many of you folks are fine, fine people.  I read your blogs and you’re always talking about wonderful people in your lives who support your dreams and leave you all the time in the world to put pen to paper.

I on the other hand do not know a single person who can chew bubblegum and walk at the same time without my intervention and I’m tired of staying up until 2 A.M. just to write.

So I quit.  Had God wanted me to write, he’d of let self-publishing become a thing in 1999, back when I was a Funky Hunk, capable of staying up all night without feeling like dropping dead the next day.

Thanks for everything, 3.5 readers.  I’m going to sell this blog to Japanese businessmen, who will fill it with videos of Japanese people yelling loudly in Japanese about ordinary household cleaning products.

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Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Damn Reality TV Star

shutterstock_267550688 And now from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Reality Television Star!

10.  Cameras follow her around wherever she goes, despite the fact that she never does anything relevant or newsworthy whatsoever.

9.  Meanwhile, producers follow you around wherever you go, demanding that you engage your girlfriend in obviously contrived dramatic interactions.  Tell her you have a disease that you don’t really have.  Tell her that her sister is dying when she doesn’t even have a sister.  Tell her a mutual friend that doesn’t exist was just hit by a bus. Just tell her something that sounds totally awful to keep the viewers from changing the channel.

8. That teeny weeny dog living in her purse gets more kisses from her than you do.

7.  When she does kiss you she leaves so much glitter on you that you end up looking like Tinkerbell took a dump on your face.

6.  You’ve grown accustomed to words like “lurve,” “totes” and “bae.”  At least when you’re down, you can always count on a “I totes lurve u 4-eva bae” text.  (If she isn’t busy at da club.)

5.  She drinks enough to drop a Clydesdale, yet somehow manages to looks good in the morning…er, well…in the afternoon…after twenty-five assistants fix and readjust everything.

4.  She has her own fragrance, vodka, fashion line and music album.  Yet somehow, her head will explode if you ask her to read The Cat in the Hat.

3.  You broke the news to her that your doctor thinks you need a colonoscopy.  She wants to know if she can live tweet the whole experience and put the camera feed on periscope.

2.  People are constantly searching the inter webs for nude photos of her.  Stop selling nude photos of her, you pervert.

  1. She argues with you using hashtags:

YOU:  Hi babe.  Sorry I’m late.

HER: #tookyoulongenough!

YOU:  I couldn’t help it.  Traffic was a nightmare.

HER: #tellsomeonewhocares

YOU:  Aww.  Don’t be like that.

HER: #worstboyfriendever!

HONORABLE MENTION:

We would have also accepted:

  • Owns more leopard printed clothing than Tarzan.
  • Ironically, wears less of said clothing, or any clothing really, than Tarzan.
  • Owns enough shoes to outfit a gaggle of centipedes.
  • Selfies.  So many selfies.
  • Tries to look hot with a duck faced selfie.  Ends up looking like Daisy Duck suffering through a yeast infection.
  • She gets a manicure.  It’s a show.  She gets a pedicure.  It’s a show.  She goes shopping. It’s a show.  She stands on one foot and bounces up and down?  It’s a two hour special.
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