Daily Archives: April 22, 2016

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio, Motivational Speaker – When Should I Stop Sucking?

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Motivational Speaker and World Renowned Anti-Suck Book Author, Vinny Baggadouchio

Hello 3.5 suckers.

I’m motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio and my four step process to help people stop sucking is taking the world by storm. I’ve helped thousands of people abandon their sucky ways. From lowly peons to powerful heads of state, I’ve invigorated and renewed people’s lives by helping them locate better versions of themselves.

Versions that don’t suck.

Have you read one of my many anti-sucking self-help books yet?

Only You Have the Power to Not Suck

A Million Pieces of Suck

Suck Once, Shame On You. Suck Twice? You Really Suck

One Flew Over the Suck Nest

Are You There God? It’s Me, a Person Who Sucks.

Pick one of these fine books up at a bookstore that does not suck. You’ll be glad you did, because you’ll be that much closer to not sucking anymore.

And boy, do you suck.

You know, as an anti-sucking coach, I have people who suck coming up to me all the time asking me questions about how they can get themselves on the path to not sucking anymore.

 

Here’s a question that was posed to me by a young sucky person who recently attended one of my anti-sucking seminars:

Hi Vinny B. I’m a young person and I totally suck. But I have plenty of time to suck, right? I can just suck and suck for years and years before I finally reach that point of rock bottom suckage and decide to embrace the suck free life style that you endorse, right?

– A Young Person Who Sucks

WRONG!

What’s wrong with you? Only a person who sucks would think that way.

Look, sucky young people. You need to do your best to not suck straight out of the gate.

Why?

A) None of us have any idea how much time we have. Sure, statistically, you likely have many years ahead of you.  But none of us really have any guarantee of a long life.  People who suck tend to do dumb, sucky things that shorten their lives exponentially. Start not-sucking as a youngster and your chances of not sucking for the rest of your life or not shortening your life by doing some dumb thing that only a person who sucks would do increase dramatically.

B) It is very easy for a young person who sucks to get stuck in a rut. Sure, it seems harmless now.  You’re 21 and you suck.  Plenty of time to turn it around, right? WRONG! Before you know it you’ll be 30 and everyone knows how hard it is to turn a sucktastic life around after 30.

Vinny B, why is it hard to turn a sucktastic life around after 30?

I’m glad you asked, young sucky person.

The younger you are, the more you benefit from the proverbial “benefit of the doubt.”

There is a magical dividing line between 29 and 30.

29 and single?  You’re a free spirit.

30 and single?  There’s something wrong with you. You are automatically suspected to be a) gay b) a psychopath or c) a gay psychopath.

29 and unemployed? You’re still a free spirit.

30 and employed in a dead end job? You are a loser who has failed anyone and everyone who ever loved you.

So take full advantage of that benefit of the doubt today, young folks. Because before you know it, you’ll be 30, and once you’ve been roaming the earth for thirty years, people won’t be too shy to tell you that you suck anymore.

Now, everyone has problems that suck, even the elderly. Here’s a question an old sucky fart asked me at another one of my anti-suck seminars:

Vinny B, I’m incredibly old and I have sucked my entire life. It is too late for me to not suck anymore, right? I should just embrace my last few sucky years as a sucky person and not kid myself that I could somehow not suck anymore.

– An Old Person Who Sucks

Listen Old Person Who Sucks, I’m not going to pee on your leg and tell you that it doesn’t suck when that happens.

You’ve been around the suck block for too long to be fooled by false promises of non-suckitude.

I’ll be straight with you. Yes, as an old person who sucks, it is a tall order for you to put an end to the sucky ways you are set in after years and years of sucking.

But I truly believe that it is a sin for anyone to croak without at least experiencing one single, solitary day of being a person who doesn’t suck.

So if you’re willing to roll up your sleeves, put in the work, and most importantly, buy my entire collection of anti-suck books at a book store that doesn’t suck near you, then you will be pleased as punch when you wake up one day and find that you are the least sucky person in your entire assisted living facility.

There you have it, folks.  You’re never too young to start not-sucking and you’re never too old to stop sucking.

Do you have any questions about how to not suck anymore?

Post them in the comments. And remember, if you have to ask if you suck, then you suck.

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be An Assassin

Yes, your girlfriend is quite fetching.

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I’d make a joke about how she could assassinate me anytime…but I really don’t want to be assassinated.

One might even say if looks could kill…well, hold that thought.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be an Assassin.

10.  Constantly wears a fully body leather cat suit everywhere, at all times…EXCEPT…when you want her to.  When you want her to she just throws on those dumpy old smelly sweat pants you wish she’d throw away. Women.

9.  All of her seemingly minor faux pas may in fact be attempts to assassinate you:

  • Undercooked chicken = bad cook? – Nope. Assassin! (An attempt to assassinate you via food poisoning.)
  • Slippery floor = lousy housekeeper? – Nope. Assassin! (She’s biding her time until you slip and fall to your doom.)
  • Constantly wants to do it = nymphomaniac? – Nope. Assassin! (Please. No woman in a committed relationship has ever actually wanted to do it with her boyfriend since the beginning of time. She’s wearing you out until your heart stops…i.e. she’s trying to assassinate you with her vagina.)

8.  She has a closet full of sniper rifles and is constantly taking them apart and putting them back together.  Always try to stay close to her…for at a long distance, she might assassinate you…through snipery!

7.  You asked her if she is an assassin and she said no.  She lies! Open your eyes, man! Of course an assassin wouldn’t openly admit to being an assassin.

6.  Constantly striking poses that accentuate her assets while holding guns, knives, and other weapons.  She puts the “ass” in assassin, that’s for sure.

5.  Are you an important person? If so, she might be trying to get close to you in order to assassinate you.  If not, then she still might kill you, but that would only be murder. Only rich, famous and powerful people get assassinated. Seriously, get your head out of the clouds and accept the fact that you’re not good enough to be assassinated.

4.  You don’t really have a good story about how you met your girlfriend. It wasn’t at a park while you were both walking your dogs, or at the grocery store when you both reached for the last box of Captain Crunch and instantly bonded. Nope.  She showed up in your bedroom one day with a bomb after one of your enemies put your photo and $100,000 in her secret drop box.  Why are you so oblivious?  Love is blinding you. Of course your girlfriend is an assassin if she has bombs and secret drop boxes!

3.  She’s always sneaking up on you…but instead of giving you hugs…she tries to strangle you with garrote wire.  Don’t buy her nonsense that this is just some kinky sex thing. She’s an assassin!

2.  Your face is always sore when you wake up.  Did you forget to rest your head on your pillow? Maybe…or maybe…your girlfriend was roundhouse kicking you in the face all night…because she is (wait for it) an assassin!

  1.  She’s constantly staring at you with a look of disgust in her eyes. True, this could be inconclusive as all girlfriends do this to their boyfriends, but keep in mind that should could be trying to make your brain explode with the mental powers she developed at the assassin school she attended because she is, you guessed it, an assassin.

EDITORIAL NOTE: Because we live in a stupid world filled with big dummies, Attorney Donnelly advises me to state to you that this post is just humorous fun and in reality it is highly unlikely your girlfriend is trying to assassinate you. However, should you develop a reasonable belief that your girlfriend is trying to assassinate you, do not confront her about the situation directly. Rather, report the matter to the police or your nearest government authority in charge of disrupting the activities of assassins.

Don’t live your life based on jokes made on a dumb blog for 3.5 readers, weirdos.

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I am Postless

Hey 3.5 Readers.

I have nothing witty to say today, so I think I will chill out in BQB HQ with the whole crew instead.  Video Game Rack Fighter. Alien Jones. Bookshelf Q. Battledog. The Magic Bookshelf Characters.  Uncle Hardass. Nerdstradamus. Search Engine Optimized Poet. Vinny Baggadouchio, Motivational Speaker.

My, how my circle of nerd friends has grown in 2 plus years of blogging.

In the meantime, I’d love your comments and feedback on How the West Was Zombed – good, bad or indifferent.  65,000 words in and I think I will most likely finish a first draft of a book for the first time this year.

Also, are you looking forward to Game of Thrones this Sunday? I know I am.  Tell me what you’re looking forward to.

Finally, for no good reason, here is surveillance footage of Alien Jones on the can. Why he was there, I don’t know, because he doesn’t even poop. Maybe he was just testing out a human custom.

Don’t share this photo around though because the media on his home planet will have a field day and then he will never be able to become the next Mighty Potentate.

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