Hello 3.5 suckers.
I’m motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio and my four step process to help people stop sucking is taking the world by storm. I’ve helped thousands of people abandon their sucky ways. From lowly peons to powerful heads of state, I’ve invigorated and renewed people’s lives by helping them locate better versions of themselves.
Versions that don’t suck.
Have you read one of my many anti-sucking self-help books yet?
Only You Have the Power to Not Suck
A Million Pieces of Suck
Suck Once, Shame On You. Suck Twice? You Really Suck
One Flew Over the Suck Nest
Are You There God? It’s Me, a Person Who Sucks.
Pick one of these fine books up at a bookstore that does not suck. You’ll be glad you did, because you’ll be that much closer to not sucking anymore.
And boy, do you suck.
You know, as an anti-sucking coach, I have people who suck coming up to me all the time asking me questions about how they can get themselves on the path to not sucking anymore.
Here’s a question that was posed to me by a young sucky person who recently attended one of my anti-sucking seminars:
Hi Vinny B. I’m a young person and I totally suck. But I have plenty of time to suck, right? I can just suck and suck for years and years before I finally reach that point of rock bottom suckage and decide to embrace the suck free life style that you endorse, right?
– A Young Person Who Sucks
What’s wrong with you? Only a person who sucks would think that way.
Look, sucky young people. You need to do your best to not suck straight out of the gate.
A) None of us have any idea how much time we have. Sure, statistically, you likely have many years ahead of you. But none of us really have any guarantee of a long life. People who suck tend to do dumb, sucky things that shorten their lives exponentially. Start not-sucking as a youngster and your chances of not sucking for the rest of your life or not shortening your life by doing some dumb thing that only a person who sucks would do increase dramatically.
B) It is very easy for a young person who sucks to get stuck in a rut. Sure, it seems harmless now. You’re 21 and you suck. Plenty of time to turn it around, right? WRONG! Before you know it you’ll be 30 and everyone knows how hard it is to turn a sucktastic life around after 30.
Vinny B, why is it hard to turn a sucktastic life around after 30?
I’m glad you asked, young sucky person.
The younger you are, the more you benefit from the proverbial “benefit of the doubt.”
There is a magical dividing line between 29 and 30.
29 and single? You’re a free spirit.
30 and single? There’s something wrong with you. You are automatically suspected to be a) gay b) a psychopath or c) a gay psychopath.
29 and unemployed? You’re still a free spirit.
30 and employed in a dead end job? You are a loser who has failed anyone and everyone who ever loved you.
So take full advantage of that benefit of the doubt today, young folks. Because before you know it, you’ll be 30, and once you’ve been roaming the earth for thirty years, people won’t be too shy to tell you that you suck anymore.
Now, everyone has problems that suck, even the elderly. Here’s a question an old sucky fart asked me at another one of my anti-suck seminars:
Vinny B, I’m incredibly old and I have sucked my entire life. It is too late for me to not suck anymore, right? I should just embrace my last few sucky years as a sucky person and not kid myself that I could somehow not suck anymore.
– An Old Person Who Sucks
Listen Old Person Who Sucks, I’m not going to pee on your leg and tell you that it doesn’t suck when that happens.
You’ve been around the suck block for too long to be fooled by false promises of non-suckitude.
I’ll be straight with you. Yes, as an old person who sucks, it is a tall order for you to put an end to the sucky ways you are set in after years and years of sucking.
But I truly believe that it is a sin for anyone to croak without at least experiencing one single, solitary day of being a person who doesn’t suck.
So if you’re willing to roll up your sleeves, put in the work, and most importantly, buy my entire collection of anti-suck books at a book store that doesn’t suck near you, then you will be pleased as punch when you wake up one day and find that you are the least sucky person in your entire assisted living facility.
There you have it, folks. You’re never too young to start not-sucking and you’re never too old to stop sucking.
Do you have any questions about how to not suck anymore?
Post them in the comments. And remember, if you have to ask if you suck, then you suck.