Daily Archives: April 2, 2016

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 66

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Miles was a boy again.  Covered up with a blanket, he spent an hour educating the group on everything he’d ever ever learned from his father about the forces of evil. 

His artistic skills came in handy.  The Reverend gave him a slate board and a piece of chalk that was usually used to teach children during Sunday school.

The approach made sense, because to the group, this information was all so new and confusing  that they felt like children as they grappled to understand.

“Son, I see your gums flapping but not a lick of it is making any sense,” Gunther said.

The boy slapped his forehead.  He scribbled on the slate for a minute, then held it up next to the lantern in the center of the table. 

It was a drawing of a man with pointy teeth.  Underneath, Miles had written, “BLYTHE = VAMPIRE.”

“Young man,” Doc said.  “Your tale is ludicrous.  You’d really have us believe that the entire country is run by an evil corporation which in turn is operated by beings who hold themselves out as respectable citizens but in secret, are blood sucking fiends who find joy in spreading misery across the land?”

“Yes,” Miles said.

“Shit, that’s nothing new,” Gunther said.

Slade lit up his cigar.  The end glowed red in the dark.

“How do I kill him?” he asked.

“Stake through the heart,” Miles replied.  “Any pointy piece of wood will do.  Or cut his head off.  Or get a piece of silver into his heart somehow.  Shoot him in the heart with a silver bullet if you can.”

The Reverend had opened up another bottle of whiskey.  He took a good pull then wiped his mouth.  “Judas.”

“What?”  Miss Bonnie asked.

“Judas Iscariot,” the Reverend said.  “A close friend of Jesus who betrayed our lord and savior for thirty pieces of silver.  No doubt these evil fiends have an aversion to it as some kind of biblical vengeance.  Our Lord is not without a sense of irony.”

Slade held a bullet up against the lantern light, causing the silver tip to glisten.

“Your father made this?”  he asked.

“Yup,” the boy replied.

“Son,” Gunther said.  “I wish your Pa had told us all of this before.”

“Would you have believed him?”  Miles asked.

Gunther shook his head.  “No.  I probably would have told him he’d lost his mind.”

“He said no one who has never seen any of this could ever believe it without seeing it with their own eyes,”  Miles said.

“I’m still not sure I believe it,”  Gunther said.  “And I’ve been seeing it all night.”

Miss Bonnie sat between Gunther and Slade.  “Is there anything else we can use against Blythe?” she asked.

“A cross or holy water will slow him down,” Miles said.  “Or you could just…”

The boy hesitated.  “No.”

“What?”  Miss Bonnie asked.

“Blythe is a day walker,” Miles said.  “Most vampires are only allowed to roam at night but Blythe is one of the few vampires trusted by the chairman to be outside during the day.”

Slade blew out some smoke. “Who is the chairman?”  he asked.

“No one knows,” Miles replied.  “Whoever he is, he’s the only one the vampires are afraid of.”

“So how is Blythe able to go out during the day?” Miss Bonnie asked.

“The chairman gave him a medallion that protects him from sunlight.  Snatch it off his neck when the sun’s out and he’ll burn right up but…he’ll never let you get close enough.”

“I find this all rather preposterous,” Doc said.  “I’ve never known Mr. Blythe to be anything but a paragon of virtue.”

Slade and Gunther’s heads snapped toward the Doc so fast they almost fell off. 

“You…know Blythe?”  Gunther asked.

“Certainly,” Doc said.  “In the course of my work as a practitioner of the medical sciences.  If he has an evil side, he didn’t show it to me.”

“That’s what they do,” Miles said.  “They pretend to be good but all the while they’re doing bad behind your back.”

Doc took a gulp of his Miracle Cure-All.  “Poppycock.”

The good doctor drew a deep breath then exhaled.  He found himself needing to do that more and more.  From time to time, it felt like his lungs were quitting on him.

“Is this lad someone we can trust?”  Doc asked.  “He is after all a dog monster.”

“Werewolf,” Miles said.  He scribbled another drawing of a furry man.  Underneath the picture he wrote, “WEREWOLF.”

“He saved my life,”  Miss Bonnie said.  “He didn’t have to.”

“Not every werewolf is evil,” Miles said. 

“Yet you’d have us believe Mr. Blythe is evil,” Doc said.  “And if that is true and your father was in his employ, what did that make him?”

Annabelle patted her hand on Doc’s.  “Maybe now isn’t the time to…”

“Balderdash!” Doc said.  

Miles put his head down.  “Ashamed.”

The boy put down the slate.  “It made him ashamed.  For the first part of his life he was treated like cattle.  Traded and herded like a cow or a horse.”

Doc coughed into his hand.  It was a loud hack.  “Oh heavens it would appear I have invited a sob story…”

Annabelle slapped Doc lightly upside the back of the head then looked to Miles.  “Don’t mind him.  Go on.”

“Then he met Blythe,” Miles said.  “And he gave Pa a job.  Blythe put money in his Pa’s pocket.  Let him walk around wearing a fancy suit.  Gave him respect that no one like us ever gets.”

Miles looked at everyone’s faces peering at him through the lantern light.

“But Blythe wasn’t exactly up front about the particulars of the job,” Miles said.  “Didn’t tell Pa he’d be expected to kill innocent people.  Or find people for the vampires to feed on.  Or…”

“What?”  Slade asked.

“That he’d be expected to help Blythe herd a zombie army towards Washington,” Miles said.

Miles scribbled some more on the piece of slate.  He turned it around to reveal a stick figure with two “Xs” in its eyes.  “ZOMBIE.”

“The dead brought back to life,”  Miles explained.  “Though it isn’t much of a life at all.  They only have enough brain power to move them around slowly.  They eat…other people.”

Doc stroked his beard.  “Yes.  These cannibals are most unnatural.”

“Easy to take out a few of them,” Miles said.  “Just destroy their brains.”

“That part we got,” Gunther said.

“But you don’t know this part,” Miles said.  He drew on the slate again, then turned it around.  More little stick figure zombies with Xs for eyes surrounding a stick finger with pointy teeth.

“Blythe can control them,” Miles said.

Gunther leaned over the table.  “What’s that now?”

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Thoughts on Zombie Western Going Forward – And How Sequels Tie In

shutterstock_320226569Hey 3.5 Cowpokes.

Way, way back in January, I decided to give Zombie Western a go.  I wanted to write something fun and mindless.  Cowboys live a cowboy life in a cowboy town.  Zombie outbreak ensues.  They fight for survival.

The it got complicated.  The Legion Corporation came into play.  Vampire Blythe became the villain.  He had werewolf henchmen.  Oh and there are good werewolves that help the hero too.

And there’s a romantic subplot where the hero can’t decide which woman he wants and the villain will eventually use this against him.

Oh but don’t worry.  There are zombies.  The villain is trying to transport a whore army of them across the Mississippi River on the way to attack the East coast and conquer the US.

He spread his zombifying blood with the help of Doc as an unwitting dupe, who was tricked into selling a Miracle Cure All that contains the blood in it.

So it has all become very confusing, hasn’t it?

SHOULD I PERFORM AN OVERHAUL?

Part of me wonders if I shouldn’t just go back to the beginning, cut out the vampires, the werewolves, and just write a simpler story about cowboys fighting for survival in the midst of a zombie apocalypse.

SHOULD I KEEP GOING AS IS?

Some of you have said you like the vampires and werewolves so I don’t know.

SEQUELS

I’d like to tell you about my sequel ideas and maybe that can help the discussion.

FIRST SEQUEL (OR ZOMBIE WESTERN 2?) – UNDEAD MAN’S HAND

Part prequel.  Part sequel.

The prequel part…

1876.  Deadwood.  Dakota Territory.  North and South Dakota have yet to become states.

Gold is discovered and a makeshift mining camp town “Deadwood” is started.  Some of the West’s most legendary characters descend in search of fortune.  They swear a lot according to the HBO show about it.  (It was good by the way I recommend it.)

Wild Bill Hickok is the best gunfighter in the West.  But in secret, he is also a formidable vampire hunter.

As history buffs might be aware, Hickok was shot in the back by Jack McCall over a gambling dispute.  It has been said that the poker hand Hickok had upon his death was “Aces over Eights” which becomes known as the “Dead Man’s Hand.”

As it turns out, Lady Blackwood (makes an appearance in How the West Was Zombed, her name needs to be changed because her name can’t be Blackwood if she visits Deadwood) glamoured McCall into shooting Hickok to bring his anti-vampire crusade to a halt.

And the Dead Man’s Hand?  It wasn’t aces over eights.  It was eight ace cards with the faces of the the Legion Corporation’s Board of Directors printed on them.

Immediately prior to his death, he was in the process of explaining his vampire hunting secrets to his best friends, Martha “Calamity Jane” Cannary and Charlie Utter.

After Bill’s death, Jane and Charlie seek to warn everyone of the Legion Corp’s evil ways but are laughed off by everyone.

To make matters worse, they visit Bill’s grave to find his body missing.  Meanwhile, rumors spread across the country of a blonde woman matching Lady Blackwood’s description committing atrocities across the country with a lumbering zombie like creature in tow (that bears a striking resemblance to Wild Bill).

Because uh…I don’t know.  She snuck a drop of her blood into Bill’s drink at some point before he died I guess.

The sequel part – Years later, after the events of How the West Was Zombed, the countryside is crawling with zombies and everyone who laughed at Jane and Charlie are now ready to help them.

Then I don’t know.  They fight Lady B-whatever her name will be and put Zombie Hickok to rest.

THOUGHTS – I had this idea for a sequel early on and it is what made me decide to go with the Legion Corporation angle in Zombed.  If you all think it is a good idea, I suppose that is a vote for keeping Legion and not going with a general zombie survival story.  Then again, there could always be a sequel featuring Jane in her own zombie survival story.

SECOND SEQUEL IDEA – (OR ZOMBIE WESTERN #3)

Have you ever seen Tombstone with Kurt Russell as Wyatt Earp?  Or have you ever, in general, read the story of Wyatt Earp?

BRIEF SYNOPSIS:  Wyatt Earp was the West’s most legendary lawman.  Eventually, he got tired of it and he and his brothers moved to Tombstone, Arizona, a boomtown set up around a silver mine.  There, the Earp family believed they’d find happiness and contentment as business men.  They’d mine for silver and operate businesses catering to other silver miners.

Then they got there and realized the whole town was at the mercy of a gang of a-holes including Curly Bill Brocious, Johnny Ringo, the Clantons, etc.

So insufferably douche-tastic was this gang that Wyatt put on a star once more and took them all on.

Wyatt is aided by Doc Holliday, lifelong tuberculosis sufferer…too smart for his own good wisecracker and loyal friend.

HOW IT WILL BE ZOMBIFIED:  After the West is Zombed in How the West Was Zombed, Wyatt and brothers did their best to keep Dodge City from becoming overrun by zombies but alas, it has been zombified.  With their wives, they head out to Tombstone, in the hopes there won’t be any damn zombies there.  They can quit the zombie hunting game altogether and settle down.

Alas, their hopes are dashed.  Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo are damn vampires loyal to the Legion Corporation.  The Clantons and the rest of the gang are werewolf henchmen.

They refuse to allow anyone to mine the discovered silver because…well, you know what silver does to vampires and werewolves.

The gang becomes so unbearable that Wyatt and brothers become zombie hunters again and they win the day.

Wyatt is assisted by loyal friend Doc Holliday, who has long told everyone that he suffers from tuberculosis but in fact, suffers from a slow acting form of zombie-ism.  His blood may be the key to a zombie antidote.

THOUGHTS – I guess this requires the Legion Corp to exist?  Then again – Wyatt could fight the gang amidst a zombie outbreak?

SEQUEL IDEA #3 (OR ZOMBIE WESTERN 4)

Prior to the West becoming Zombed, a lovable Robin Hood-esque bank/train robber traveled through the west, robbing from the rich and giving to the poor, with the help of his merry men gang.

They took only what they needed to live then gave the rest away.  They were in it for the adventure and thrill.

In the midst of their last heist, they left one of their gang to be captured.  He was a douche that did bad things.  He has since sworn vengeance.

Also, a noble lawman got the one and only black mark on his career when the unnamed Robin Hood character heisted something under his watch.

Post zombified West, money is worthless and the gang is depressed.  There is not much adventure left to be had…except…they realize they can put their skills to work fighting zombies.

And then I assume they go after some vampire with the legion corp.

Except their old gang member is after them.

And the law man they bested will have to hold his nose and help them.

THOUGHTS: This probably could work with or without the Legion.  Arguably, it might work better without it.

FINAL QUESTION – Now that I’ve shared what I see as sequels, do you think I should keep the Legion (vamps and wolves and zombies) or just focus on the zombies?

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How the West Was Zombed – BQB’s Mockups of Chapters 64 and 65

Previously on How the West Was Zombed…

Miss Bonnie and her new werewolf friend, the young amateur werewolf Miles ran to the church with evil werewolf Becker in hot pursuit.

Miss Bonnie shot him with a silver bullet, but Becker kept running and running…until he collapsed on top of Blake, crushing him to death instantly.

But that was ok because Blake was an epic douche. One of those guys who is always quick to point out how everyone else is wrong but never has a suggestion to offer himself.

By the way – I meant these drawings as a joke. Sometimes jokes don’t always land and I worry maybe my 3.5 readers thought that I thought I was a great artist or something.

Nope. It was all done sarcastically.

Fear not. If I finish this I’ll enlist the help of 99Designs or some other reputable artist for a book cover.

I can’t believe we live in a time when it is relatively easy to find someone to draw a book cover.

Anyway, it is time for more chapters of this masterpiece.

Bookshelf Battle

Hey 3.5 Readers.

BQB here.  As you all know, I’m a perfectionist.  I need everything to be one-hundred percent genuine.

If you read Chapter 64 and Chapter 65 of my Zombie Western novel, you know that Becker, a damn werewolf, charged at Miss Bonnie.

In turn, Miss Bonnie shot Becker in the head with a silver tipped bullet.

Slade opened the front door to the church, pulled Miss Bonnie out of the way in the nick of time, but alas, Blake was not so lucky.

In the last few moments of his life, Becker kept running, only to fall and crush Blake under his massive werewolf weight.

But that’s ok because Blake was a douche.

There was a lot of science involved in this scene.  Newton’s laws of gravity and such.  I needed to sketch it out to see if it all worked on paper and low and behold, it…

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch

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Not exactly the nicest thing to call your girlfriend…unless she is one.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warnings Signs that Your Smoochy Poo might be a Witchy Poo:

10.  She’s always green…even when she isn’t sick.

9.  But unlike Kermit, being green is easy for her.

8.  Whenever she leaves, your broomstick is nowhere to be found.  That’s ok though because you weren’t that much of a housekeeper anyway you dirty slob.

7.  You’re not entirely sure water would melt her, but now that you think of it, you can’t recall ever seeing her drink a bottle of Aquafina.  Maybe she’s a witch or maybe she’s just not a dumb ass who is willing to shell out good money for bottled water when the tap is perfectly fine.  (But seriously, if you two live in Flint, Michigan and she doesn’t drink Aquafina then she is a big time witch my friend.)

6.  Her closet contains a wide selection of black pointy hats with belt buckles on them. She is unable to explain what the hell those belt buckles are for.  Seriously, does anyone out there know why witch hats have belt buckles on them?  Belts are for pants you dumb witches!

5.  She steadfastly maintains that Dorothy was the villain in The Wizard of Oz.

4.  Her purse contents include: lipstick, chapstick, hairspray, mints and eye of newt.

3.  Always wins the fight by turning you into a toad.  She eventually turns you back to normal, but your craving for flies never goes away.

2.  She cackles at all of your jokes.  But she’s got a good heart because she even cackles at the ones that aren’t funny.  And most of them aren’t funny.

  1. Whenever she unzips your pants, she invariably cries out, “I’ll get you my pretty!”  You just go along with it because no one has ever called it pretty before.  Let’s face it.  No one else ever will either.  This witch is a keeper.

HONORABLE MENTION

We would have also accepted:

  •  The big ass cauldron in the middle of her living room always distracts you during make-out sessions…especially because you’re totally sure you saw something move in there.
  • Her winged monkeys are so helpful you don’t know how you ever got along without them.  From the remote to snacks, there’s nothing these furry little lackeys aren’t willing to fetch for you.
  • Sometimes she “leaves” then a crusty old hag returns to offer you an apple.  Don’t take the apple.
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Retirement Canceled

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One of BQB’s 3.5 readers rejoices upon news of BQB’s return.

Well that was a short retirement.

What brought me back so quickly?

Was it the early dinners?  Hell no.  I love to eat at four p.m.

Was it the retiree fashions? Absolutely not.  I walk around with my pants pulled up to my chin most of the time anyway.

It was you.  My 3.5 readers.

You guys probably thought yesterday’s big announcement was an April Fool’s Day prank.

Had I wanted to make an April Fools Day joke I would have just announced that I’m pregnant, or gay, or gay and pregnant like every other mouth breathing nincompoop on my Facebook feed.

Nope.  I was for real.  I was calling it quits and taking myself out of the blogging game.  It’s becoming too much of a rat race.  All wheel and no cheese.

Plus, there’s a guy with a new blog in which he claims to be the caretaker of a magic musical CD carrying case, who fights vampires and chupacabras, and is best friends with a troll.  Did I mention he is trying to become a writer in order to stave off an invasion from underground mole people?

Who can compete with that shit?  Derivative much?

But my hits yesterday were much higher than usual.  104 visitors to be exact.  While I come close often, I rarely break the 100 barrier so color me excited.

Write your heart out on a zombie cowboy novel?  People shrug their shoulders.  Whip out a few top ten lists about wacky girlfriends and people set their mouses (mice?) on fire with the clicketty clicks.

Fear not.  The Zombie Western shall continue.  But you’ve now also encouraged me to write more wacky girlfriend top ten lists so tell me, what else are you dudes worried that your girlfriend might be?

Is she:

  • A pirate
  • An alien
  • A ninja
  • Mother of God.  Your girlfriend could be a pirate alien ninja.

Ladies, get in the act.  Your boyfriend could also something awful…more so than he obviously is now.

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