Daily Archives: April 25, 2016

Melisandre’s Necklace

Hey 3.5 Readers.

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Preach on, Sir Davos.

OK before we begin…this post is dark and full of spoilers.

SPOILERS!  The whole show will be ruined so if you haven’t seen it or last night’s episode yet, read no further.

OK.  Are the hardcore nerds who are up to date with their watching here?

Cool.  Now we can talk without those wannabe nerds bothering us.

“Waah I didn’t get to watch Game of Thrones because I was busy out having a life waaah.”

Anyway, so there was a big Red Woman reveal last night.  We learned that the necklace she always wears is really magical and when she takes it off, she’s not really a hot chick but in fact is a hideous old hag crone who is losing her hair and has big ole floppy knockers.

Look that just happens.  It may not have even been the necklace.  Sometimes you’re in da club.  The lights are down low.  You meet a chick who looks like a fly ass hunnie only to get her back to your crib and under the lights she is a hideous crone.

But ok.  It was the necklace.

And the Interwebs are blowing up with nerd protest.

Carice van Houten, the actress who plays Melisandre, has been sporting her Dutch oven on this show for years now, getting naked to seduce Stannis, using her evil vagina to egg him on in his quest for the Iron Throne, tricking Gendry into letting his guard down so she could stab him and take his royal blood, birthing smokey shadow assassins out of her enchanted cooter and so on.

Bottomline this chick has been naked on the show a lot and nerds have been taking this as an excuse to go back and rewatch clips of naked Melisandre to catch her without the necklace on yet still looking hot.

I’m not going to post a photo of a naked witch on this site because I have standards.  Yes, I’m writing a zombie western novel filled with swears and violence but I have to draw the line somewhere and I draw it at posting photos of naked Dutch women and their Double Dutches.

Maybe that’s why they call it the Netherlands, because women are always showing off their nether regions.

Amsterdam it, I’m all out of Dutch nudity puns.

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Yes.  Yes it is.  And as you can see, she’s wearing the anti-hag necklace here, but if you Google “Melisandre naked” you’ll see photos of her sans-necklace, still looking hot, in the tub before she killed Gendry, for example.

Note I have never performed such a Google search and frankly you should not either. I am ashamed of you for even thinking about it.  Weirdo.

Is this a case where we are all nerds who should just shut up?

Be quiet you nerds…this is a minor insignificant detail.  And if you really need an explanation then uh…she was lying in magic anti-hag bathwater.

Eh.  We nerds like things to be right is the problem.

The show runners had a big challenge.  Bring back Jon Snow with the Red Woman’s help.

Yet, people on the Red Woman’s side have been dying around her all the time and she’s never used magic to help them.

So it couldn’t be something she could do over and over…it had to be something she could only do once.

Hence, a magic necklace that can cheat death.  The Red Woman has been using it to cheat death for a long time and is much older than we thought, and so enthralled is she with Jon Snow that I theorize she’ll put her death cheating necklace on him so that he may live, thus making the ultimate sacrifice as she will then eventually die from her elderly crone-ism.

And then alas, we fans will never again see Melisandre assassinate someone with the dark magic of her evil vagina, unless it is in our dreams and/or nightmares, depending on your opinion of witches with dark vagina magic.

Are we big nerds for debating this?  Or is it just a minor detail that we have to let go?

Could they have come up with something else?  Maybe a ring that makes her young, something she had all the time but we never noticed.

And holy shit if this is where the show is going then Jon Snow will have to wear a lady’s choker for the rest of his days.

He has the looks to pull it off but still…

NOTE: I didn’t make these memes and don’t claim ownership of them obviously. I just assume when they are floating around the Internet amongst fans then it is cool to use them.

Note that is an assumption though and I can’t tell you if it is ok for you to use them.

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Top Ten Places to Ride Out a Zombie Apocalypse

 

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Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  As a noted zombiologist/survivor of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, I’ve learned a thing or two about the undead.

To help you, the general public (or at least 3.5 of you), here is a list of places I’d advise you to get your butts to in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Tell me if I’m right or wrong and also if there are places I forgot about that you feel would offer decent sanctuary from the zombie hordes.

10.  Supermarket or Combination Supermarket/All-Purpose Store i.e. Wal-Mart-esque Type Stores

Lots of food.  Lots of tools and equipment.  Eat the perishables first.  Packaged and canned food will last a lot longer.

My group and I were pretty cozy in the East Randomtown Price Town.  Alas, we had to leave to save my pain in the butt ex-girlfriend, Blandie, but hey, as a stand-up guy, sometimes you’ve gotta do what you gotta do.

9.  Hospital

Medical equipment, which unless you are a doctor or nurse, you won’t know how to use any of it.  But, there will be medical supplies that you could at least attempt to you.  If you have to fumble your way through helping a survivor using what little medical knowledge you have, you’ll obviously do better with supplies than without them.

Plus, let’s hope some doctors and/or nurses stayed in the hospital and they can help you and your buddies when you are injured in anti-zombie combat.

Of course, there’s no curing a zombie bite.  That’s just science. As the evil Dr. Hugo tells us, you can’t argue with science.

I’m still not talking to that evil mad scientist douche.

8.  Beach

Put the ocean or a large lake at your back and you only have to worry about zombies attacking your front.

Unless the zombies learn how to swim…muah ha ha….

7.  Playboy Mansion

If we’re all doomed anyway, might as well go out in style whilst oggling scantily clad supermodels.

Plus, in the midst of a zombie apocalypse with chances of being eaten are high, those babes might loosen their standards.

Suddenly nerds like us start to look pretty good.

3.5 lady readers, we’ll invite some hunky dudes for you…but they have to stay on the other end of the mansion.  We can’t let the supermodel babes think they have options.

By the way, did you know the Playboy Mansion is for sale?

I feel like my 3.5 readers have been in remiss for not starting a Kickstarter to raise the funds I need to make the Playboy Mansion my new BQB HQ.

Although if the bunnies aren’t included then all you get is a giant house filled with Hef’s old man stink.  Thanks but no thanks.

6.  Convenience Store

Same reason as why I would want to stay in a big store but there is an argument that the convenience store, being smaller, makes it less likely a zombie could sneak up on you.  If you can see it all by just looking around and you keep your back against one of the walls, that should help you in a zombie attack.

Then again, they usually have glass windows and are easily viewed from the street so you might end up being a sitting duck for a hungry zombie.

5.  The Morgue and/or Funeral Parlor

Hear me out on this one.

If there are already a few dead bodies lying around, just hang out near them and the zombies will sniff the long dead flesh, decide there’s nothing else in there but more dumb zombies, and shuffle on.

Then again they are zombies and they like to eat flesh…would they care that it is dead?

I don’t think I want to find out.

4.  Gun Store

For obvious reasons.  The Founding Fathers have bestowed upon us a constitutional right to pull off as many sweet zombie head shots as possible.

3.  Boat

Look, don’t let that family on Fear the Walking Dead fool you.  Those people are some dumb dummies.

Maintain radio silence or if you have to communicate, do so without sharing details of where you are.  Duh.

Get out to sea.  Keep moving.  Keep an eye on that radar for visitors.  Catch some fish.

2.  Train

Like Snowpiercer, but the train just keeps looping around a big track at a fast pace so damn zombies can’t catch it.

Holy shit.  That is a badass novel idea.  Now I need to drop what I am doing and write Zombie Piercer.

  1.  Your Own Home

Screw those zombies.  This is America.  Aint no undead bastard gonna run me off my own property.

Just be sure to board the place up, reinforce the doors, stockpile food, equipment, supplies, ammo and what the heck, you’ll be comfier in your own crib anway.

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BQB’s Favorite YouTubers – Ask a Mortician

The things you end up Googling when you’re an aspiring author, let me tell you.

One subject I’ve had to look up is the various ways in which characters could possibly die, what happens when they die, is it possible to live through something, etc.

Writing about zombies gives you the particular need to know how dead bodies decompose, fall apart, etc.

While looking for such information, I happened across the “Ask a Mortician” YouTube Channel.

It is run by Caitlin Dougherty of the website orderofthegooddeath.com

This lady is the funniest mortician I have ever seen (not that I have seen that many.)

She takes questions about what happens to people after they die – how embalming works, how bodies are cremated, why human taxidermy doesn’t work so well, coffin birth (is it possible for a deceased pregnant woman to give birth to a deceased baby, corpse poop, etc.

Here she is in a video explaining what happens to artificial implants in a body when they aren’t burned up during cremation:

Anyway, just throwing it out there, as an aspiring author I have found her videos helpful and I appreciate her ability to explain emotionally difficult topics with humor.

Check her out, 3.5 readers.

Alas, death comes for us all and though we should do our best to keep it at bay for a long, long time it is good to know that professionals like Caitlin are looking out for the deceased and getting them ready for a proper send off.

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Game of Thrones – Season 6 – Episode 1 – “The Red Woman”

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Hey 3.5 nerds.

BQB here.

Game of Thrones is back!

Beware. This post is dark and full of SPOILERS.

So at the end of last season, Dany was in the custody of evil Dothraki.

Tyrion was left to watch over Mereen.

Myrcella was murdered by the scheming Elena Sand.

Cersei had been put through the butt naked walk of shame.

Jon Snow had been murdered by the Night’s Watch.

Sansa and Reek had escaped.

Arya had been blinded.

And that’s about it.

So many cliffhangers.  And I applaud the show because they began tying up all of them.

We still aren’t totally sure if Jon Snow is going to remain dead but we did learn that Melisandre looks a lot, lot different without her necklace on.

In fact, it dawns on me that necklace might be helping her cheat death and uh…maybe she’ll let Jon have it?

Just a theory.  We’ll find out.

Anyway, what did you think about tonight’s episode, 3.5 readers?

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Tweet About Game of Thrones With BQB

Follow BQB on the Tweeter-mo-bob for the Interwebs are dark and full of terrors:

@bookshelfbattle gets you all the nerdy goodness.

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