Daily Archives: April 26, 2016

Search Engine Optimized Poet – What is Beyonce’s Lemonade About?

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the Googler’s feets, ya dig?

Lemonade!  Whoa, Lemonade!

What is Beyonce’s new album all about?

Is Rachel Roy “Becky with good hair?”

Of that can there be any doubt?

Or is it about black female power?

Hell, is it just about a tasty yellow drink that is sour?up-korora-beatnik-800px

I swear I don’t know and I have been at this for an hour.

Hair!  Becky with good hair!

Who in the heck could you be?

Where can I find you, Becky oh Becky, are you way up high in a tree?

HBO!  Whoa, HBO!  Why are there so many good shows on you?

When Melisandre turned into an elderly hag, I swear I almost made a Number Two.

Melisandre’s necklace!  Whoa, Melisandre’s necklace!

Every time I say it BQB’s blog stats sore.

Melisandre’s necklace! Whoa, Melisandre’s necklace!

Haven’t I seen Melisandre without her necklace on before?

Snore.  I can’t get to sleep.

Where can I buy a used truck or a Jeep?

Is it very hard to raise sheep?

Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Was he buried too deep?

Creep.  So I’m creepin’ on the down low,

‘Cept nobody’s supposed to know.

Oh Lisa Left Eye Lopes,

You took my heart with you when you did go.

Joe.  I need a good strong cup.

And maybe later I’ll drink a 7-Up.

Did you know Orlando Jones used to be the 7-Up guy?

Crap. I’m so old now I could cry.

But why?  Why is Gwen Stefani the best member of No Doubt?

And please, won’t someone tell me what Beyonce’s Lemonade Album is all about?

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An Ode to a Hot Zombie Chick

A Collaborative Effort Between Bookshelf Q. Battler and Search Engine Optimized Poet

Dedicated to anyone who has ever been through the sad experience of seeing their bae turned into a damn zombie.  One day we’ll find that zombie-ism cure.

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Hot Zombie Chick

Hot zombie chick!  Whoa, hot zombie chick!

How I once wished you’d love me for my brain.

Oh, but not like this, dear hot zombie chick.

How can I even explain?

Hot zombie chick! Whoa, hot zombie chick!

Please oh won’t you please go away?

You never wanted to date me when you were alive.

Why should I let you eat me now that you are in a state of decay?

Hot zombie chick. Whoa, hot zombie chick!

Please wont’t you please stop nibbling my ear!

Hot zombie chick. Whoa, hot zombie chick!

Please. You fill me with fear!

Hot zombie chick, come on, I’m no longer feeling’ ya.

Besides if we did it, I’m sure it would be necrophilia.

How Zombie chick!  Whoa, hot zombie chick!

Former blonde goddess who laughed in my general direction.

Once the cause of so many erections,

Now you want to leave me dead for the medical examiner’s inspection but…

No!  No hot zombie chick!  You can’t have my heart and eat it too.

My spleen is mine and I’m keeping my kidneys, so shoo!

Did your parts just fall off?  What the heck are these?

Hot zombie chick, please, I don’t want to shoot you.

And yes, it will be so hard for me to boot you,

In the opposite direction but please, I say this with a frown,

For where you need to go, is to the next town.

We need to see other people, it is so sad for me to explain,

That the mature thing for you to do here would be to eat another man’s brains.

Go, hot zombie chick, go and I beg you, please never look back.

I don’t want you to see me cry, as I so envy the next man you will attack.

FIN

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150 Hits Yesterday for this Blog

Hey Nerds,

The Bookshelf Battle Blog got 150 hits yesterday.  I rarely break 100 so that’s awesome and it was largely because of my Melisandre post.  A lot of people are searching the Interwebs for information about Melisandre’s necklace, what will she do for Jon Snow, has she ever been seen without the necklace, etc.

“Kim Kardashian’s boobs?” Sorry.  That’s just straight up pandering the search engine optimization and unlike the user of “free penis enlargement pills” I won’t stand at attention for that nonsense, thank you very much.

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Cersei

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Hipster Cersei

Hey dude.

Look, I don’t want to cause any trouble but if you ask me your girlfriend and her brother seem just a little bit too uh…close, if you catch my drift.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might be Cersei Lannister:

(SPOILERS!)

10.  She keeps it in the family…and we’re not talking about money.  We’re talking about the royal boo-tay.

9.  She and her brother always have some excuse to be alone together.  And then whenever you walk in on them unannounced, they immediately start buttoning up their clothes and shout, “We weren’t humping!”

Which is odd because if they weren’t humping why would they feel the need to tell you that they weren’t humping?

If you ask me, a brother and sister trying to cover up their illicit humping might actually go out of their way to inform you that they weren’t humping just to cover their tracks.

Confusing, I know, but Cersei is crafty so you have to be on the ball to catch her in the midst of a brother hump.

8.  Speaking of craftiness, she is convinced that her life would be a hundred times better if she had been born with a penis.  She believes she’s cunning and intelligent and if it weren’t for the lowly status of women in this fantasy realm, she’d be kicking ass and taking names thanks to her penis.

I’m just going to throw it out there.  I’ve met a few women who were convinced that but for a penis, they’d be like the rulers of the world and no…I’m sorry.  Maybe that was true fifty years ago but a penis just isn’t worth as much as it used to be.

Penis value deflation is a bitch.  Talk to your local penile economics expert for more information.

7.  And while we are on this subject, she really isn’t as crafty as she thinks she is.  She is always plotting schemes and then the schemes always blow up in her face, leaving her in trouble, or in the custody of a religious zealot or some shit.

7.  But let’s face it.  She’s hot so you put up with a lot of bullshit.  You certainly wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a stuck-up conceited brother humper if she were ugly, would you?

You would?  You are a better man than I, sir.

6.  Besides being a brother humper she’s also a cousin humper.  Cousin Lancel?  Are you freaking kidding me?

Look, disgusting and immoral as it is, at least Jaime Lannister is the most handsome and skilled knight in the entire realm. You could almost make an argument that Cersei wasn’t able to help herself.

But Lancel? Shit, that girl is a freak who is hung up on getting busy with her relatives and her ass needs to get to a medieval shrink posthaste.

5.  Hey, I’m all for women’s rights and female empowerment.  But Cersei is one of those chicks who’s all like, “Women’s rights! Whatever a man can do I can do better!” and then the second the shit hits the fan she looks to her father to bail her out with his money and then humps her brother and/or cousin if her brother isn’t available.

4.  She’s kind of like the worst friend in your group.  Every group of friends has the worst friend.  She’s the one that everyone hates and no one wants to invite to shit but you keep doing it because she’s been around so long that everyone is used to her and oddy enough, even though she’s totally the worst you’d still miss her.

3.  Walks the walk of shame like a champ.  Hollywood’s ability to superimpose her head on a stunt naked lady is impressive…a real breakthrough in the field of hot chick head splicing on hot chick body technology.  Real advanced CGI stuff.

2.  Your kids look nothing like you…but they all bear a striking resemblance to…her brother!

  1.  Like a dummy, you pull a Ned Stark and tell her you’re going to expose her brother humpery.  Bad move.  Off with your head.  (What, too soon?)
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