Your girlfriend will kick so much undead ass during the zombie apocalypse.
She thinks it’s the end of the world as we know it…but do you feel fine?
Alas, to all good things must come an end. Just as the dinosaurs were wiped out when they plugged in their curling irons all at once, so too may humanity cease to be one day.
But probably not while we’re alive. It’s those future suckers who’ve got problems.
Or is the end closer than we think? Your girlfriend sure seems to think so.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Doomsday Prepper:
10. Attempted to get you to drink your own urine to, and I quote, “get you used to the robust flavor.” Not only did you hurt her feelings with your emphatic refusal, you’re also not able to look at lemonade the same way ever again.
9. Refers to The Walking Dead and Mad Max as “training videos.”
8. Every piece of clothing in her closet is camouflage. In fact, if you were to wear camouflage and then stand in front of all of her camouflage clothes, you’d disappear. Trippy.
7. Her basement is filled with enough tin cans to give a hungry billy goat an orgasm. (Get it? Because doomsday preppers store canned food and billy goats like to eat tin cans and…oh. I guess the cans have to be empty for a goat to want to chew on it. You know what? Forget it. When it needs to be explained, it isn’t funny. Moving on…)
6. She has more guns than your local run of the mill street gang…and she knows how to use ’em.
5. She packed his and her bug out bags filled with survival gear to grab in a hurry when the zombies, aliens, machines, invading troops, catastrophic weather event, nuclear meltdown or other to be named tragedy unfolds, causing a need to “bug out” the door in a hurry. Feel loved, my friend, because that means there’s no one else she’d rather spend the apocalypse with than you.
4. Forget diamonds. All she wants for Valentine’s Day is a gas mask.
3. From hang nails to a steak dinner, she does all of her cutting with the same machete.
2. Claims an ability to patch up wounds with bat guano (in case you were wondering why she keeps feeding ex-lax to that bat.)
- Built an underground bunker. Connected a hot tub, disco lights, and a recording of Barry White to a gas powered generator because hey, the world may have come to an end, but the romance is just beginning.