Daily Archives: April 7, 2016

Star Wars: Rogue One Trailer

Hey 3.5 Readers,

Did you see the trailer for Star Wars: Rogue One?

So basically we have a new character, another young woman but unlike Rey, she has kind of a bad side.  Been in a lot of trouble but shrugs it off with, “It’s a rebellion.  I rebel.” Good line.

Apparently about a plot to steal Death Star plans.

Is this how Luke finds out about that unsecured vent he shot his proton torpedoes into?

Honestly, my two cents, it looks a little bit darker and it looks like it will be even better than The Force Awakens.

Interesting direction for Star Wars.  This is the first time where they’ve branched off, or started going into side stories.  It looks like the franchise is in good hands with Disney.

If only we could talk Mickey Mouse into buying the rights to shoot DC Comics based movies from Warner Brothers.

God, now that I think about it, I wrote a really sugarcoated review of Batman vs. Superman.  That flick was a total stinker.

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Top Ten Ideas for Improving this Blog

The Bookshelf Battle Blog is sheer perfection, I know.  Sheer delight for the eyes of my 3.5 readers.

But I’m looking for advice on making this fine blog even better.

So you write this list in the comments, 3.5 readers.  You can be funny if you want but you don’t have to be.  This blog rarely is so why start now?

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Doomsday Prepper

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Your girlfriend will kick so much undead ass during the zombie apocalypse.

She thinks it’s the end of the world as we know it…but do you feel fine? 

Alas, to all good things must come an end.  Just as the dinosaurs were wiped out when they plugged in their curling irons all at once, so too may humanity cease to be one day.

But probably not while we’re alive.  It’s those future suckers who’ve got problems.

Or is the end closer than we think?  Your girlfriend sure seems to think so.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Doomsday Prepper:

10.   Attempted to get you to drink your own urine to, and I quote, “get you used to the robust flavor.” Not only did you hurt her feelings with your emphatic refusal, you’re also not able to look at lemonade the same way ever again.

9.  Refers to The Walking Dead and Mad Max as “training videos.”

8.  Every piece of clothing in her closet is camouflage.  In fact, if you were to wear camouflage and then stand in front of all of her camouflage clothes, you’d disappear.  Trippy.

7.  Her basement is filled with enough tin cans to give a hungry billy goat an orgasm.  (Get it?  Because doomsday preppers store canned food and billy goats like to eat tin cans and…oh.  I guess the cans have to be empty for a goat to want to chew on it.  You know what?  Forget it. When it needs to be explained, it isn’t funny.  Moving on…)

6.  She has more guns than your local run of the mill street gang…and she knows how to use ’em.

5.  She packed his and her bug out bags filled with survival gear to grab in a hurry when the zombies, aliens, machines, invading troops, catastrophic weather event, nuclear meltdown or other to be named tragedy unfolds, causing a need to “bug out” the door in a hurry.  Feel loved, my friend, because that means there’s no one else she’d rather spend the apocalypse with than you.

4.  Forget diamonds.  All she wants for Valentine’s Day is a gas mask.

3.  From hang nails to a steak dinner, she does all of her cutting with the same machete.

2.  Claims an ability to patch up wounds with bat guano (in case you were wondering why she keeps feeding ex-lax to that bat.)

  1.  Built an underground bunker.  Connected a hot tub, disco lights, and a recording of Barry White to a gas powered generator because hey, the world may have come to an end, but the romance is just beginning.
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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist

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“Hey baby, wanna crinkle my foil?”

He seemed like such a sweet guy when you met him.  Alas, it wasn’t until after you fell for him that he started checking your purse for radio transmitters.

Ladies, is your man living in constant fear of “The Man?”

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist:

10.  He owns a vast selection of tin foil hats, which he maintains prevent the government and/or aliens from reading his mind.  You’re not able to stop him from wearing his tin foil baseball cap out in public, but he’s not unreasonable.  He has agreed to stop wearing it backwards once he turns thirty.

9.  It isn’t easy to take him to a dinner party.  Your friends want to talk about movies, music and gossip.  He wants to talk about how Hitler and Bigfoot worked together on the JFK assassination and that this would be common knowledge were it not for the fact that the news media is controlled by a race of worm people disguised as human journalists.

8.  You can’t park your car in the garage.  He has it filled with a set made up to look like the Moon in an effort to prove that the Moon landing was a fake.

7.  Never takes you anywhere nice anymore.  Too busy writing a blog filled with nonsense for the benefit of 3.5 readers.  (I know what you are thinking but BQB is not a conspiracy theorist.  His tales about aliens, yetis and the zombie attack on East Randomtown are entirely true.)

6.  Once in awhile he pokes you in the shoulder for no reason other than to make sure you aren’t a hologram.  The Man, as he will explain, has been known to infiltrate the operations of those who are onto him by enlisting the aid of hologram girlfriends.

5.  Never goes to the doctor.  Convinced all doctors are trying to put a spy camera in his butt.

4.  All dates need to start an hour early so he can sweep your car for bugs, listening devices, and crumbs.  The first two are signs of lunacy.  The last one?  Well, that’s really your fault, you slob.  Stop eating donuts in the car.

3.  You’d ask him how his day was, but it is getting harder and harder not to dump him every time he swears that he is “so close” to proving that Elvis didn’t die but rather left to rule over a benevolent race of half-man/half-lizards who will one day land on Earth and show us the path toward inner peace.  So, you know, he’s not all doom and gloom.

2.  Bonus:  It’s easy to get him to do chores around the house.  Just point out to him that the government might think something is up if they see him just lying around doing nothing and that he’d better start taking out the trash and washing some windows to trick the Feds into thinking everything’s hunky dory.

  1.  Saves your toe nail clippings in the hopes of cloning you when the aliens take you away to toil in their intergalactic mines.  Is this psychotic or sweet?  You be the judge.  They’re your toe nail clippings, after all.
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