Like most women, you might assume that your boyfriend is a doofus who doesn’t care about what you think.
But your boyfriend is different. He puts in a ridiculous amount of time just to make it look as though he doesn’t care about what ANYONE thinks.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Hipster.
10. Wears black, thick framed Buddy Holly style glasses 24/7. Even wears them if he doesn’t need them. Not that I’m superstitious or anything, but if I got on a plane and saw a guy that looks like Richie Valens and then another guy that looks like the Big Bopper, I’d immediately get off the flight and take the next one upon seeing your boyfriend.
9. You two can never enjoy any form of entertainment together
You Listen To:
He Listens To:
Lower Ugandan Nomadic Tribesman Lunar Cycle Chants
You Would Like to See:
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2
He Would Like to See:
Love in the Time of Cottage Cheese Farming (A Twelve Hour Foreign Documentary Made in Uzbekistan with No Subtitles)
You Would Like To See:
He Would Like To See:
The Director’s Cut of Downtown Abbey with Cast Commentary, because he was so watching it already long before anyone else discovered it, but now he’d like to learn more about the cast’s style and acting choices.)
*NOTE: He liked or disliked most things long before liking or disliking something became mainstream. You know this because he reminds you of this fact often.
You Would Like to Read:
The Girl on the Train
He Would Like to Read:
Tibetan Monk Journals; 7th Century Finnish Poetry
*NOTE: He is also that asshole who a) has read the book the movie is based on and b) insists on telling you each and every way the book was better than the movie and c) practically demands that you forge some type of rudimentary medal to pin to his chest that says “I Am Superior to Everyone in the Movie Theater Because I Read the Book this Movie Was Based On.”
8. You can’t go out to eat with him either. You’ll order a burger. He’ll order “an organic level twelve vegan soy dog produced with the smallest eco footprint possible.)
7. Going out for drinks also poses a challenge. You’ll get a Bud. He’ll want an artisanal gluten-free pale ale microbrew, preferably produced in Luxembourg or Lichtenstein. (Favorite bars usually require patrons to wear elaborate costumes or are hidden in the middle of nowhere with no visible signage.)
6. Owns more fedoras than a man who wasn’t born in 1910 should (which means if he owns one or more fedoras, he owns too many.) He’ll also note that his favorite hat isn’t a fedora but rather, a trilby, and then proceed to explain the differences between the two in excruciating detail.
5. Additional questionable fashion choices include: scarves when it isn’t snowing, turtlenecks when it isn’t cold, shirts with ironic sayings or obscure band logos and so, so many vests (sweater or otherwise.) Also, and I hate to be the one to break this to you, but he’s a cosplayer. He lied when he told you that cartoon character outfit in his closet was just something he wore for fun at a Halloween party a couple of years ago. He wears that shit around the house all the time and is working up the courage to tell you that not only he wants to wear it in bed but he got one for you to wear too.
4. Elaborate facial hair. Sculpted so intricately that he looks like he could be a Hunger Games Game Master or some other type of sci-fi super villain from the future.
3. Either walks or rides a bike everywhere. If he owns a car, it is so small that it looks like 50 clowns are going to jump out in various hilarious ways whenever he stops.
2. Ever since he got a digital camera he thinks he’s Ansel Adams. His Facebook is full of random household objects. He swears there’s irony involved but assures you that if he had to explain further you wouldn’t get it.
- He could tell you about other boyfriend options that are better than he is…but you probably have never heard of them.