Daily Archives: April 4, 2016

How the West Was Zombed – Parts 1-5

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Hey 3.5 Readers,

My stats indicate some of you checked out the latest chapters and went digging for earlier chapters.

My blog rolls so fast that things often get buried.  So here are Parts 1-5:
PART 1 – The Stand

Marshal Rainier Slade, a genuine stoic who’d prefer to shoot a fella as soon as look at him, is the only man in Highwater willing to face the dastardly Buchanan Boys. Reluctantly, he’s joined by his elderly deputy Gunther and the fast talking snake oil salesman Doctor Elias T. Faraday, who thinks the move would be good publicity.

When a misunderstanding occurs between Slade and Standing Eagle, Chief of a nearby Native American tribe, the Chief translates as his shaman, Wandering Snake, delivers an ominous curse.

Part 2 – Werewolves and Women

Miss Bonnie, owner, proprietor, and prostitute-in-charge of the Bonnie Lass, is the only woman, nay, the only person alive that Slade is willing to come out of his shell for. The rest of the time, he puts on a raspy voice, angry faced persona to the world, figuring that’s the only way for a lawman to survive.

The Marshal fumbles a proposal but still makes it clear that he’d like a relationship with Miss Bonnie. She declines, only to rethink that decision when Slade defends her honor.

Slade finds a new love interest in Sarah Farquhar, a widow who has just moved to town after purchasing a large stretch of farmland. The Widow Farquhar doesn’t hesitate in pursuing Slade as Miss Bonnie did, but she’s not perfect. Slade continues to yearn for Miss Bonnie and has concerns about the Widow’s bible thumping ways, her decree that all sexual activity occur through a hole in a bed sheet in particular.

The Marshal throws caution to the wind and successfully proposes to the Widow Farquhar, only to learn Miss Bonnie has the hots for him too late.

Meanwhile, former slave turned werewolf Joseph Freeman and his teenage son, Miles, also a werewolf, arrive in town. Joseph is looking for work and takes a job assisting Slade and Gunther watch the Buchanan Boys until Judge Sampson arrives to conduct their trial.

All the while, strange reports of monsters are afoot.

Part 3 – The Trial

Judge Sampson, a by the book jurist who’d hang his own mother for stealing a piece of candy, is about to sentence the Buchanan Boys to their doom at the end of a rope when a newcomer arrives in his courtroom.

“Simple country lawyer” Henry Alan Blythe displays a supernatural ability to get people to submit to his will. He convinces the Judge to let the Buchanan Boys off the hook.

Enraged at the injustice, Slade turns in his star. Gunther does so as well out of loyalty, though less forcefully as concerns about ripping his vest get in the way.

Part 4 – History Repeats Itself

Joe Freeman’s past haunts him again and again and his longstanding feud with Blythe is about to come to a head.

Blythe, a villainous vampire/counsel for the Legion Corporation’s board of vampire directors, has dreamed up a scheme to conquer the United States with a zombie army that responds to his will.

But the board’s bureaucratic maneuvering threatens to throw his plan off the rails. His bosses want him to toy with Slade and Freeman, rather than kill them outright.

 Part 5 – Wedding Crashers

Though his heart belongs to fiery redhead Miss Bonnie, Slade just can’t bring himself to say no to his fiance, Sarah “the Widow” Farquhar. Slade and Sarah head to Highwater to plan a wedding for the evening. Actually, Sarah does most of the planning. Slade acts like a depressed hostage.

Meanwhile, a heavily armed and armored train arrives in town. Despite an argument filled with chest puffery, Slade is unable to get any information out of villainous lawyer Blythe.

Smelly Jack crashes Slade and Sarah’s wedding in a big way, though as it turns out, in a much bigger way than expected…

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POLITICAL AD: Why Leo McKoy is a Lying Douche/Evil Robot and You Should Vote Bookshelf Q. Battler for East Randomtown Mayor

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Bookshelf Q. Battler – Owner of a Blog with 3.5 Readers, World Renowned Poindexter, Epic Nerdventurer, Reviewer of Pop Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter and Acting Mayor of East Randomtown

Leo McKoy sure has been tossing a lot of insults toward Acting Mayor Battler this season. Meanwhile, here at the Battler campaign, we have refused to trade barbs with McKoy as we’re aware someone as hostile and angry as he is probably has a microscopic wang.

But let’s look at the facts, shall we?

East Randomtownsfolk have long looked to its town’s most famous citizens for leadership.

Mr. McKoy claims fame as “The Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.”

But did he really?  When you think about it…

…other than Leo McKoy himself, do we have anyone else’s word that McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek?

No.  No we do not.

Let’s pick apart McKoy’s claim.

THAT JAMES VAN DER BEEK WAS IN EAST RANDOMTOWN

Why in God’s name would a popular celebrity with a hit television show (it was the late 90’s at the height of Van Der Beek’s fame when the Creek was on) be caught dead in a shithole like East Randomtown?

The East Randomtown Chamber of Commerce surveyed the town population:

QUESTION:  Where would you like to be?

East Randomtown – .1 %

Anywhere Else Because East Randomtown Sucks Ass- .99%

*The guy that voted he’d like to be here later admitted he checked the wrong box by accident, thus indicating that literally no one in this town wants to be here because it sucks so much ass.

There you have it.  So why would a celebrity be in East Randomtown?  He wouldn’t be.  No one wants to be in East Randomtown, let alone rich famous people who don’t have to be.

JAMES VAN DER BEEK ORDERED A REUBEN SANDWICH, BARBECUE CHIPS AND A SPRITE

James Van Der Beek maintains the body of a Greek god to this day, and certainly did while his show was on air in the late 1990’s.

Thus, we have a hard time believing that Mr. Van Der Beek would have stuffed his face with deli food.  Everyone knows actors only eat twigs, berries and lettuce leaves.

Could he have splurged for a reuben sandwich, with its high calorie content and all? Maybe.

But would he have also ordered chips?  And don’t you think he would have at least asked for a Diet Sprite?

Like a scab, the more you pick at McKoy’s story, the more disgusting shit falls out of it.

LEO MCKOY COULD POSSIBLY BE A DAMN ROBOT

We all saw McKoy die during last October’s zombie apocalypse, didn’t we?  He was torn about by hungry zombies who didn’t leave much of our town’s most notorious barfly behind.

We here at the Battler campaign have wracked our brains, trying to figure out how McKoy could still be alive after all of that and our only answer is that he is most likely a robot, possibly controlled by the forces of evil.

To be fair, we have absolutely no evidence of this, but you should believe it without question anyway, because this ad is on the Internet and everybody knows that shit doesn’t get published on the Internet unless it is one hundred percent true.

Do you want someone who claims to be famous or someone who is famous?

Frankly, the only person who can corroborate that Leo McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek is James Van Der Beek.  We doubt someone as noble and awesome as Mr. Van Der Beek would ever come to McKoy’s aid.

Meanwhile, Bookshelf Q. Battler has indeed set up a WordPress blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers.  He’s happy to share the stats that prove this claim upon request.

You only get one vote, people.  Cast yours for Bookshelf Q. Battler.  He can do for East Randomtown what he has done for his blog.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT LEO MCKOY IS A LYING DOUCHE AND ALSO AN EVIL ROBOT AND THEREFORE YOU SHOULD VOTE BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER FOR EAST RANDOMTOWN MAYOR

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I Missed the Season Finale of The Walking Dead

Oh so depressing.  I missed my zombie show.

Oh well.  It happens.  Shh.  No spoilers.

I’ll watch it soon and tell my 3.5 readers what I think.

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