Daily Archives: April 20, 2016

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 83

shutterstock_320226569

A zombified Clem Buchanan scratched his head, bewildered by the gun barrel he was staring down.

“Ungh.”

Zombie Clem slapped the side of the weapon.  Nothing happened.  He shook it.  Rattled it. Wrapped his teeth around the steel and ground them back and forth.

Nothing.

“Grrr?”

The zombie stared at the barrel again, pulled the trigger and…POW!  His brains were splattered all over the surrounding zombies.

At Highwater Station, Blythe had assembled his own personal undead goon squad.  In life, they had been Buchanan Boys, random cowpokes, assorted townsfolk, and of course, Miss Bonnie’s working girls.

Now they were about to become a zombie fighting force.

Mayhew and the other werewolf conductors armed the zombies, placing pistols and rifles into the creatures’ boney hands.  Under normal circumstances, arming a zombie isn’t the smartest, or safest idea.

Pow…Pow…Pow!  Two more zombies blew their own heads off.  That last pow was made when one of the zombies accidentally shot one of the werewolves in the leg.  Said werewolf clawed the offending zombie in half.

Hovering several feet above his decrepit soldiers, Blythe pressed his fingers against his temples, lost himself briefly in meditation and finally, took control of the motley crew.

What had once been a brood of ignorant monsters quickly became a highly functional regiment.  The zombies snapped to attention, formed lines, and rested the ends of their rifles on their shoulders.

The vampire drifted through the air into town.

“Forward march,” he ordered.

They did just that, marching lockstep in perfect formation behind their master.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , ,

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist

Science!shutterstock_141217966

It’s the discipline that provides the answers to our most vexing questions about the world we live in. Ironically, with every question scientists answer, new inquiries pop up every day.

Most scientists are reputable members of the community, dedicated to following strict rules and procedures.

However, there are some scientists who dare to dabble in the depths of depravity that few are willing to tread.

As part of his penance for “accidentally” causing a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown last summer, Dr. Hugo Von Science has assisted the Bookshelf Battle Blog in creating this list of the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist:

10. Foreplay consists of him dropping his pants and shouting, “IT’S ALIVE…IT’S ALIVE!”

9.  His home decor consists of:

  • Beakers filled with foaming potions, bubbling brews, and other strange concoctions.
  • Giant switches that require you to strain yourself just to flip.
  • Tesla coils. So many tesla coils.

8.  Wears a white lab coat everywhere.  Dinner? Lab coat. The opera? Lab coat. The lab? Lab coat.

7. Never takes his goggles off, even when his eyes aren’t in danger of being stabbed, exploded, poisoned, scratched, electrocuted, or otherwise harmed. You’ve never even seen his eyes before because he was wearing those goggles when you met him.

6. Hobbies include: snorkeling, horseback riding…and threatening world leaders to turn over their treasuries to him lest the world be destroyed by his latest invention.

5.  He borrowed your credit card. This month’s bill includes charges for:

  • Giant moon laser base
  • Enormous Drill Capable of Reaching Earth’s Core
  • Nuclear Warheads
  • Lab Monkey Food

The moon laser base, enormous drill, and nuclear warheads didn’t strike you as odd but it seemed unusual to you that lab monkey food could be charged to your credit card so easily.

4.  His laugh starts out slowly, quietly. Then it builds…and builds…into a maniacal crescendo.

EXAMPLE:

YOU: And then my co-worker Rachel said, “Forget the giblets, I’ll take the whole turkey!”

YOUR MAD SCIENTIST BOYFRIEND: Ha.  Haha.  Ha ha ha…HA HA…MUAH HA HA HA HA!!!

3.  You’ve grown so accustomed to the sound of explosions coming from your basement that you’re able to sleep right through them.

2.  Has a well-organized brain collection in his lab. Labels include:

  • Monkey brain
  • Sheep brain
  • Cow brain
  • Dog brain
  • Cat brain
  • Caveman brain
  • Alien brain
  • Sasquatch brain
  • Missing Link Brain

NOTE: We don’t want to tell you how to live your life but it is highly suggested that you run if you ever see a jar marked, “Ex-girlfriend brain.”

  1. You came across a file on his desk marked, “Build My Own Girlfriend Project.” Realized that might be how you got here. Come to think of it, you don’t have any memories beyond last Tuesday. Decided not to question it.
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Things That Really Frost My Ass – Excessive Door Holders and Confusing Boob Photos

By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent

shutterstock_152151569

Uncle Hardass, Complainer at Large

Hello degenerate 3.5 readers.

Still working on your writing careers, I see.

Hey I have a joke for you. What’s the difference between a writer and a homeless bum?

Homeless bums write their sob stories exclusively on cardboard.

Bah ha ha! I slay me. But seriously, all of you should abandon your hopes and dreams and get jobs immediately. The salt mines are hiring.

It’s been awhile since I’ve gone a complaint spree, so here are two of my latest grievances about the rat trap of a world we live in:

Excessive Door Holders

Have you ever been twenty feet or more away from a door only to have some jackass who reached the door ahead of you stand there and hold it open for you forever, even when you are far away from the door?

Holy shit. Look, I get that social etiquette requires you to hold a door open for a person who is immediately behind you, BUT IT DOES NOT REQUIRE YOU TO HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR ANY PERSON ON THE SAME PLANE OF EXISTENCE!

People, putting your hand on a door handle does not require you to stay there and hold that damn door open for anyone and everyone who may want to use that door until the end of time.

Are you unsure as to whether or not a person approaching the door you are currently opening is too far away for you to hold said door open?

Here’s a helpful rule of thumb. Count off three Mississippi’s.  If I’m not there by number three, then start hauling ass, junior. I can open doors by myself just fine and I’m not about to start rushing just because you’ve decided to stand there like a moron and hold a door open for me when the space between us could double as a regulation NFL football field.

Here’s a helpful guide I have created to help you dingbats figure out when and when not to hold the door for someone:

Where the Person is and If You Should Hold the Door Open for Them

3-5 feet behind you.  (Yes)

Some hot babe you want an excuse to meet. (Yes, however far away she may be, though you’ll disappoint her immensely because you are a writer and therefore have nothing to offer her. Get a job at the salt mines and she’ll be all over you.)

Still walking in from the parking lot. (No.)

In France right now but this person may want to enter the building later this year. (No.)

On Mars but this person would like to enter the building at some point this decade. (No.)

In an alternate universe but this person would like to enter the building before time collapses on itself and the universe as we know it ceases to be. (No.)

There you have it. Learn when and when not to hold a door, ya pukes, because I hurry up for no one. If I’m nowhere near the door and you stop to hold it for me like a jackass, it is my God given right as a American to not only refuse to walk faster, but to walk even slower and make you wait for whatever appointment you are going to.

(And let’s be honest. It isn’t a job interview, is it?)

Confusing Boob Photos

Kim Kardashian and her friend Emily Rata…Ratana…Ratajawowwah…

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: It’s Emily Ratajkowski, Uncle Hardass.

Get a job.  Anyway, a couple weeks ago, Kim Kardashian and Emily Ratawhoever posted this photo of their blacked out bosoms with their middle fingers in the air and I for one have been more confused than a three legged greyhound at a racetrack ever since:

Really, what is my response to this photo supposed to be?  Look dames, I know you’re all for women’s rights and all that hullabaloo, but it’s times like these that leave men befuddled.

Here are some possible male responses to this photo, followed by female answers:

MALE RESPONSE #1 – “Holy moly look at those sweater cannons!”

FEMALE RESPONSE #1 – “How dare you objectify women like that, you pig.”

Baffled yet? It gets worse:

MALE RESPONSE #2 – “You’re right. How dare Kim and Emily Ratasomething expose their bosoms to the world! How tasteless!”

FEMALE RESPONSE #2 – “Expletive deleted you! These women are just expressing themselves. How dare you tell them that a display of their beautiful femininity is wrong?”

Is your head ready to explode yet? Wait for it…

MALE RESPONSE #3 – “Umm…you’re right? I like their boobs?”

FEMALE RESPONSE #3 – “Pig!”

Don’t try to make sense of it, men.  Just bow down to your female masters. The skirts have won and the sooner you admit it, the better.

All I know is back in my day, if a broad wanted to show you her chest rockets, you took the time to oggle them like a gentleman then thank her for her trouble.

What kind of a world do we live in now when women feel like they must now preemptively insult via middle finger people who don’t like their boob displays?

“Yup. Here are our boobs and if you don’t like it, here’s the bird.”

I swear. Sometime when I wasn’t looking the Commies won and turned this country topsy turvy.

Anyway, those are my latest complaints, 3.5 readers. If there’s something that really frosts your ass, feel free to complain about it in the comments.

Or better yet, get a job.

Tagged , , , , ,
Advertisements