Daily Archives: April 14, 2016

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Khaleesi

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Wait until April 24th for Game of Thrones Season 6?

This a man cannot do.

For Lord Battler of House Bookshelf loveth his Game of Thrones.

Oh, how it has allowed nerds across the land to experience what Superbowl Sunday must feel like for the normals.

Yes, 3.5 readers I love GOT as much as you love your girlfriend.

And from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be the Khaleesi:

(Note this list is mere fantasy.  If you’re reading this blog, you are a nerd who is unworthy of the Khaleesi.)

***NOTE: GOT SPOILERS AHEAD!  SPOILERS!!!!****

10.  Her wardrobe consists of 950 turquoise dresses. Khaleesi loves turquoise.

9.  No one at work ever steels her lunch from the communal fridge…BECAUSE IT’S A DAMN BLOODY HORSE HEART IN A BAG!

8.  You avoid arguing with her because you know that all arguments end with your ass getting burned extra crispy by her dragons.  Also, people refer to her as the Mother of Dragons.  Like you’ll answer the phone and people will be all like, “Can I speak to the Mother of Dragons?”

7.  Speaking of, she has so many titles.  Khaleesi.  Mother of Dragons.  Breaker of Chains.  And she insists on announcing them every time she enters a new room.  You need to leave three hours early just to take the Khaleesi to a movie.

6.  Dated Seth MacFarlane.  Part of you is annoyed with her because she could have done better.  Part of you wants to high five Seth for being the first nerd in history to use his nerdy ways to snag a Khaleesi. (I stand corrected about my early statement about nerds not being able to snag the Khaleesi.)

5.  Starred in a Terminator reboot.  It was godawful.  So bad.  So very, very bad.  But you forgive her.  Because she’s the Khaleesi.  Only the Khaleesi can be forgiven for a terrible Terminator remake.  Cersei was also in a sucky Terminator remake.  It’s ok to not forgive her because fuck her.  She’s Cersei.  Cersei’s the worst.

4.  Her brother sold her into slavery and then was jealous that she made a big ass pot of lemonade out of those lemons.  In-laws.  Am I right?

3.  Totally the type to hop on her dragon and fly away, leaving her friends to fend for themselves in the gladiator’s arena.   (Oh shut up.  That’s not a spoiler.  You had a year to watch this shit.) Probably won’t give you a ride to the dentist either.

2.  Nerds in the know theorize she might be Jon Snow’s Auntie.  Channel your inner M. Knight Shyamalan and repeat after me, “What a twist!”

  1.  Out of a group of people who are the worst, she’s always the best.

HONORABLE MENTION:

  • Drew you in by getting naked, but now that she’s won you over, that turquoise dress stays on.  In other words, she’s like every other woman post commitment. Heap her with praise all you want but you’ll be lucky if you see a boob on your birthday.
  • Honest and fair, but cheat her and you’re banished to the friend zone.  Also, from the country.
  • Appreciates your wise counsel.  Would appreciate it more though if you were a dwarf or a eunuch.  Seriously, she’s got an army of eunuchs and two eunuch advisors.
  • She takes what’s rightfully hers, by fire and blood if she has to.  So don’t bogart the Funions.
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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wizard

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Your boyfriend is magical.

No, I don’t mean that as in he’s perfect. I mean it as in he’s a damn spell casting practitioner of the dark arts.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wizard:

10.  When he asks you to polish his wand, he isn’t making an off color joke.  He literally dropped his magic wand in the toilet and only you can restore it to its naturally pristine state.

9.  He’s not the best guy to ask for a drink. The beverages he brings you look more like potions.  Green or purple. Smoking or bubbling.  (Note if your boyfriend is not a wizard do not rule out the possibility that your boyfriend might be Bill Cosby.)

8.  Whenever he stinks up the bathroom, he gives you fair warning by shouting, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

7.  No matter how old he is, has a ten foot long gray beard. Wizards love their beards because it is easy to hide potions, powders, spell books and other magic supplies in them. Also, they can whip on sunglasses and make coin by starting their own ZZ Top tribute bands.

6. Never stops smoking his pipe, even while in front of a No Smoking sign.  Puffs out smoke clouds in the shape of mythical animals.

5.  His wardrobe only consists of dark colored robes and floppy yet pointy hats. Breaks out his constellation covered robes on special occasions.

4.  Best pickup lines revolve around making his penis, your pants or some other article of clothing disappear in an inappropriate manner.  (Less humorous but more appropriate lines include observations that you are “enchanting” and claims that you have “cast a spell on him.)

3.  The house isn’t big enough for his pet dragon and your pet cat.

2.  Hides risque magazines in his spell books.

  1.  If you’re a fantasy heroine, he’ll pop up occasionally to give you cryptic advice before disappearing abruptly.  Also, he will bogart your Doritos.  Wizards love Doritos, but they are notoriously cheap bastards who don’t pay for shit. Your cat will get along with his dragon before that SOB pries open his wallet for anything. That’s just Wizardry 101.
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Movie Trailer – Doctor Strange

Hey 3.5 Readers.

BQB here.

Marvel’s got a new movie trailer for Doctor Strange.  Surgeon who becomes like a magic space wizard or something.  Admittedly, I don’t know much about it as Doctor S is one of Marvel’s lesser known characters.

The trailer looks like the movie borrows from the Matrix and Inception.

What say you, 3.5?

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