Hey 3.5 Readers.
OK. I had an epiphany.
Check this out.
- George RR Martin likes to fake us out.
- Though the show is now beyond his books, he’s still working with the show runners to teach them how to be masters of the fake out.
- So the show/books like to make us think one thing will happen then another thing happens.
What is the show trying to make us think will happen?
That Melisandre will give her life saving necklace to Jon Snow and bring him back to life.
What is going to happen?
OK. There should be some kind of cash prize for me if this actually happens but here goes. Here is my theory.
That shadow assassin wasn’t just a shadow. It was an evil soul brought back into the world of the living and then it was bound to do Melisandre’s bidding i.e. kill Renley Baratheon.
OK. Follow me on this one. Grab a pen and paper, make a flowchart if it helps.
- Melisandre has the hots for Jon Snow. She is warm for his form and because he was loyal to the Knight’s Watch and perhaps sad over the loss of Ygritte, he denied Melisandre’s advances. Jon Snow was like the first man in history to resist the awesome power of Melisandre’s evil magical vagina. Crows before hoes, baby. Crows before hoes.
- As we know, Melisandre can push evil spirits out of her evil magic vagina.
- GROUNDBREAKING THEORY: Melisandre will summon Jon Snow’s spirit out of the underworld, bring it back to the world of the living by PUSHING JON SNOW’S SOUL STRAIGHT OUT OF HER EVIL MAGICAL VAGINA and then bam! Drop Jon Snow’s soul back into Jon Snow’s body.
I’m not exactly sure how this will happen. Not going to lie. It may be a scene that involves her squatting over Jon Snow’s corpse to get the job done. Like the soul would have to fly out of her evil magic vagina and into Jon’s mouth or something.
Stop being disgusted! This is fantasy realm science, people.
3.5 Readers: BQB, we must debunk you. The shadow assassin wasn’t a soul. It was a magic ghost or specter of some kind that was the product of illicit humping between Melisandre and Stannis.
Lady Catelyn even reported that when she briefly saw the shadow assassin, it appeared to have Stannis’ face.
Since there is already a Jon Snow, Melisandre can’t boink another dude and create a shadow Jon Snow. She can’t boink Jon Snow at present because he’s a stiff, no pun intended.
OK. You’ve got me, 3.5 readers, but consider this:
A) Just because Melisandre pushed a shadow assassin out of her enchanted cooter that turned out to be the product of a Stannis/Melisandre boink session does not mean that she does not have the ability to summon a soul and pop it out of her magic vagina. We just haven’t seen her do it yet.
B) What comes back may not be Jon Snow. The Red Woman is a world class seductress and therefore can convince 99.9 percent of men to boink her. Ergo, she might boink some other dude, any other dude, maybe one of the Knight’s Watch dudes she’s holed up with (probably not Ser Davos as he’s too honorable to boink evil witches so he’s in that .1 percent with Jon Snow).
So she and some dude will boink and then she will become pregnant with another shadow assassin that looks like some other dude and then she will order the shadow assassin to enter Jon Snow’s body because…
…STAY WITH ME…
She wants Jon Snow bad. Like really bad. So bad. Like he’s the only man she’s ever really, really wanted and it pains her so much that he said no and so now that he’s dead this is her opportunity to put a shadow assassin into Jon’s body and essentially turn Jon Snow’s reanimated corpse into her possessed love slave.
If the shadow assassin is in Jon Snow’s body, does that technically mean Melisandre is boinking her shadow assassin son?
Yes, but to her it will be a substitute for boinking an alive Jon Snow. She’s the Red Woman. Evil witches don’t give a shit about morality and shit. She wants Jon Snow anyway she can get him.
And then when they aren’t boinking he will be her unwitting slave puppet because she can make the shadow assassin inside of him do her evil bidding. She can cast spells and shit and order Evil Puppet Jon Snow to murder her enemies and shit. They will be unstoppable.
A) This would be the ultimate fake out. Make us think she’s sacrificing her life in a selfless act by giving Jon Snow her necklace…only to turn him into her unwitting man servant sex slave through the use of shadow assassin evil vagina magic.
B) There is a possibility that she might just bring Jon Snow back as himself and maybe he’ll be so grateful that he’ll boink her but knowing Melisandre, the shadow assassin slave theory is more likely.
C) Either way, if I am right, I really deserve a cash prize or at least lunch with George RR Martin or something.
D) Melisandre give up her life to save someone else? Bitch please! She is going to hang onto that necklace with a kung-fu death grip.
Thank you 3.5 readers. Tell me if you think my theory is sound. Share it with your friends. And let’s watch next week to see if I’m right.