Daily Archives: April 3, 2016

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 67

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“Vampires have ways of getting into your mind,” Miles said. “They want to control you. Glamour you.”

“Glamour?” Miss Bonnie asked.

“Hypnotism,” Miles said. “Hocus pocus. One conversation is all it takes for a vampire to get inside your mind and make you do his bidding.”

Miss Bonnie rested her head on her hands for a moment, then sat back in her chair. “I talked to Blythe before and he didn’t do anything to my mind.”

“Are you sure?” Miles asked.

“Of course,” Miss Bonnie said. “All he did was convince me to let a bunch of drunk ignorant yahoos stay at…”

She cut herself off. “Aw shit.”

“Never talk to a vampire,” Miles said. “And never let a vampire get a drop of blood anywhere near your mouth.”

Doc took a sip of his Miracle Cure-All. “Young man, this is crazy talk. As a highly skilled doctor I can assure you that there is no danger whatsoever in allowing the blood of another being to come into contact with your person. All bodily fluids are completely natural and harmless.  That’s just basic medical science.”

Miles put chalk to slate again. He produced a stick figure with pointy teeth and a little drop of blood falling into a normal stick figure human’s mouth.

“Everyone with me so far?” Miles asked.

Heads nodded around the table.

Miles drew X’s over the human stick figure’s eyes.

“Vampire blood makes zombies,” the boy said.

“You’re going to have to dumb this down a whole helluvalot more, youngster,” Gunther said.

Miles expelled an agonized sigh.

“A human drinks vampire’s blood,” Miles said. “That blood goes to war with the human’s body, crying out for the human to do bad things on the vampire’s behalf. But the soul says no. It stops the blood from conquering body. But if the soul is lost…”

Gunther drummed his fingers across the table. “Like if a smelly shit heel gets shot dead in a duel?”

“Yeah,” Miles said. “A person dies. The soul goes to Heaven or Hell depending on how good or bad the person was…”

The Reverend interrupted Miles with a spit take as he sprayed the whiskey he was drinking through the air.

“You mean all of this Heaven and Hell nonsense was real all along?” the preacher asked.

“Yes,” Miles replied.

“Well I’ll be a son of a bitch,” the Reverend said as he took another drink.

“Shit Reverend,” Gunther said. “That surprises you of all people?”

“Of course,” the Reverend said. “I always thought religion was just an elaborate scam to bilk suckers out of money.”

Gunther pointed at the Reverend’s booze bottle.

“Where did you get that?” the old man asked.

“I’ve got them stashed all over,” the Reverend replied.

Miss Bonnie put her hands up. “Can you assholes pay attention?”

Miles continued. “Without the soul to fend off the vampire’s will, zombies just wander around aimlessly, looking for flesh to eat, waiting for the vampire whose blood they drank to command them.”

Slade, Gunther, and Miss Bonnie all traded glances.

“So Blythe has created a whole army of these varmints,” Gunther said. “To do what?”

“Take Washington, D.C, and conquer the United States,” Miles answered. “Blythe was experimenting with this idea when my father worked for him. Training werewolves to herd zombies and push them forward. Blythe even trained himself to control them as a group.”

“This is the most farfetched pile of cow plop I’ve ever heard in my entire life,” Gunther said.

“Yes,” Doc added. “Why, I dare say if I were to read this unlikely premise in a penny dreadful novel I’d have half a mind to write a stern letter of complaint to the author and demand my money back without delay.”

Gunther looked at Doc. “But I believe the kid.”

“You do?” Doc asked.

“Holy shit, Doc,” Gunther said. “You’ve got dead people walking around, people turning into dog monsters…”

“Werewolves,” Miles said.

“…werewolves,” Gunther continued. “They all aren’t here for Highwater’s spectacular sights because we sure as shit ain’t got any so it makes sense that they’re planning an invasion, doesn’t it?”

“Tell me my lad, do zombies swim?” Doc asked.

“No,” Miles replied. “Sometimes they float and the water will take them away with the current but they’re too dumb to swim.”

“They’d have to have to have some transportation to get across the Mississippi,” Gunther said. “Like a…”

Slade beat the old man to it. “…train.”

“He’s going to fill that damn train full of zombies and tear the East a new asshole from Illinois to Virginia.”

“Goodness,” Doc said. “All this time I thought I was an impeccable judge of character but you all have convinced me. I was blinded by Mr. Blythe’s professional demeanor but it would seem he is an unsavory scoundrel indeed.”

Doc coughed again and settled his throat with another slurp of elixir.

“I have one question.”

“What is it?” Miles asked.

“How in God’s name could Mr. Blythe have possibly infected so many people with his vile blood?”

Miles looked around. Everyone was waiting on his answer.

“I have no idea,” Miles replied to the group’s dismay.

“Curious,” Doc said as he swigged his Miracle Cure-All again. “A confounding question the answer to which we may never know.”

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SPACE PANTS!

Peter Dinklage was great last night as the host of Saturday Night Live.  Lots of Game of Thrones jokes, he got naked with Leslie Jones and he did a duet about space pants with Gwen Stefani:

“Space pants!  Maybe you missed ’em.  My pants are a tour of the solar system.”

SPACE PANTS, MAYBE YOU MISSED ‘EM, MY PANTS ARE A TOUR OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM

 

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Vampire

Vampir.  Children of the night.  Demonic bloodsuckers.

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Call them what you will but if your girlfriend is one of them, she might just call you lunch…and not in a good way.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs that Your Girlfriend Might Be a Vampire.

10.  She’s the only girl you’ve ever dated who doesn’t spend a lot of time primping in front of the mirror.

9.  Awkwardly works the word “bleah” into regular conversation.

8.  Hypnotizes you through glamour techniques to get you to do her bidding.  (This could be inconclusive as most women do this anyway.)

7.  She totally sucks.  Insert joke here.

6.  You often wake up feeling woozy with two small holes in your neck.  Calling her on it will do nothing as she’ll just shrug her shoulders, channel Shaggy and say “wasn’t me.”

5.  Always has an excuse to get out of dates planned during the day.  Long walks in the park or on the beach are out.  Dive bars and rave clubs are in.

4.  Seems a little too old mentally for her physical age.  Swears she’s only twenty-five but get her drunk and she’ll tell you all about the dark ages.

3.  Sometimes she seems a little cold.  No, not emotionally cold.  Whenever you hold her hand it’s like a damn popsicle.

2.  Sleeps in a coffin.  Swears its just because she’s a goth but you’re not convinced.

  1.  Ran away when you told her you have wood.  You explain later you weren’t talking about stakes.  (Also inclusive as most women would also run away upon hearing this statement.
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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja

Female-Ninja-Silhouette-800px Ninjutsu.  The ancient Japanese discipline that weaves martial arts, guerrilla warfare, espionage and clandestine assassination tactics into one lethal practitioner.

If a ninja wants you dead…you won’t know until you are dead.

But if you are dating a she-ninja, you won’t know until you consult this list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja:

10.  Although you think you might be alone, you’re pretty sure you just saw that shadow in the corner move.  Don’t worry.  That’s just ninja foreplay.

9.  You keep finding her nunchucks in your dishwasher.  It’s not that you don’t want to help her out but it just seems rude she won’t pre-rinse the blood off of them first.

8.  Sometimes when you’re alone and in the mood, a fast moving gust of wind will zoom through the window, knock you down, move around, then disappear just as quickly as it arrived.  You’re left confused yet strangely satisfied and in need of a cigarette.

7.  You wish she could be like most women and leave your “Honey-Do” list of chores on the kitchen table.  Instead, you’ve grown accustomed to walking down the hall, minding your own business, only to have a damn throwing knife sail past your eyes.  It ends up pinned to the wall with a note attached that reads, “Take out the trash.  You forgot to last week and it is starting to stink.  Also be a lamb and get my dry cleaning.”

6.  She wins every argument by shooting you in the neck with a blow dart.

5.  Her closet has more black outfits hanging in it than Johnny Cash ever owned.

4.  As a joke, you told her that her butt looks big in those black pants.  As her foot connected to your face in a perfectly executed roundhouse kick, you realized this joke was ill advised.

3.  She runs up the sides of buildings.  You get winded running a mile down the road.

2.  Brings her katana blade on every date.  Refuses to explain why.  You try your best to make small talk but you can still see the handle peaking over her shoulder as it sits in the sheath strapped to her back.

  1. She offered to neutralize your enemies.  You explain to her that you’re a peacenik and not really big on “neutralization” but thank her anyway.  It’s the thought that counts.
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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Romantic Movie Fanatic

shutterstock_3277737Oh Hollywood.  When will you ever learn that every time you put out another cheesy romantic movie, you’re causing the women in our lives to hold us up to ridiculously high standards?

Men, are your women way into romance flicks for YOUR own good?

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the top ten warning signs your girlfriend might be a romance movie fanatic:

10.  She watched Serendipity then erased her number from your phone and wrote it down in a copy of the book, Love in the Time of Cholera.  She sold the book to a used book store and then informed you that you will never talk to her again unless fate sees that the book with her number in it makes its way to you.  You call her the next day and you are all like “Seriously babe I remember your number because we’ve been dating for years” and she’s like “Why do you ruin everything?”

9.  Whenever she watches Sleepless in Seattle, she demands that you meet her at the top of the Empire State Building.  After doing this once or twice, you sit her down for a talk in which you explain that while you do love her very much, you’re going to end up in the poor house if you have to take time off of work, fly to New York City and then stand around on top of the Empire State Building like a jackass every time Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are on TV.  She laments your total lack of Tom Hanks in his prime charm.

8.  Ever since she saw Notting Hill she greets you with “I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.”  It seems sweet at first, but then she starts demanding you speak with a Hugh Grant-esque British accent.  You could do it to keep the peace if you wanted to.  It’s mostly just going “um um um uh” a lot but you refuse to demean yourself.  You’re an American, dammit and she can take your regular voice or leave it.  (Psst…she’ll probably leave it.)

7.  My Best Friend’s Wedding leaves her disappointed if get togethers involving your family don’t break out in a spontaneous song and dance rendition of I Say A Little Prayer For You.  You try your best to make it happen but your Aunt Edna can’t hit the high notes.

6.  Her love of Say Anything requires you to stand outside her window in a trench coat whilst holding a boom box in the air.  She won’t make any reasonable concessions about this.  You still have to wear the trench coat in August and no matter how heavy the boom box gets, she won’t let you hold up your iPhone with Pandora blaring on it instead.

5.  Chasing Amy has led her to believe your relationship would improve if a) she were to become a lesbian and b) you tried to look more like Ben Affleck.  The lesbian thing is doable but the Ben Affleck thing is unlikely.

4.  Ever since you two watched The Notebook, she asks if you’d spend a large chunk of your life in a depressed funk if she were to ever leave you.  You realize it’s for your own good to say yes but deep inside, you know there are other fish in the sea.  Most won’t require you to climb up the side of a ferris wheel like a dumb ass either.

3.  She has long dreamed that you’d become more like Patrick Swayze in Ghost and sensually work a pottery wheel with her in perfect time with her hands.  You try your best but the apartment just ends up covered with sticky gobs of clay.  Part of you just wants to give her five bucks to go buy a damn ash tray, flower pot or whatever she’s always trying to make with that thing.

2.  She made you watch Love Story.  You’ve been on anti-depressants ever since.

  1. She’s a big fan of Titanic, so much so that you often find her butt naked on the couch, breathlessly urging you to “draw me like one of your French girls.”  You grab a paper and pencil and do your best to sketch a stick figure with circle boobs but she invariably just puts her robe back on and storms off in a huff.  Seriously dude, take an art class.
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