Daily Archives: April 6, 2016

Charlize Theron Complains Pretty People Turned Down For Roles

Oh geez.  Charlize I love you but…I…I can’t even.

Don’t be too hard on her.  I think I kind of know what she was trying to say but…it’s not something someone who looks like her should say.

Yes, yes we live in a country where there is freedom of speech but…come on.

I believe she’s making the argument that people shouldn’t be assumed to be dumb just because they’re pretty and ergo should be considered for roles for smart people but…I literally can’t count the number of times I’ve seen movies where geniuses, scientists, doctors, lawyers etc. were played by people who look like they spent more time in the gym than at school.

Is it fair that smart pretty people (i.e. those who were lucky enough to have beauty AND brains) are believed to be dumb?

No.  But it’s about as fair as it is that I, as an ugly man, could invent a cure for cancer and people would still look at me like I belong living under a bridge.

Between being pretty and assumed dumb or being ugly and assumed a bridge troll, I’ll pick the former every time.

Being assumed to be a dumb pretty person is a problem I would love to have.  Sure, I will be briefly sad for 3.5 seconds that everyone thinks I’m dumb and then I will cheer myself up by hanging out with one of the ten zillion people who won’t stop calling me with requests to hang out because I’m so dang pretty.

Sigh.  And Charlize…I never thought you were dumb…until now.  Now I’m concerned.

Lots of articles popping up on social media.  Here’s one from wetpaint.com

EDIT: Oh God I made the mistake of reading more:

CHARLIZE: “How many roles are out there for the gorgeous, f—king gown-wearing, eight-foot model?”

Every role, Charlize.  Like practically every movie every made has a hot blonde chick in it.   Don’t worry.  I’m pretty sure you’ll be ok.

CHARLIZE: “When meaty roles come through, I’ve been in the room, and pretty people get turned away first.”

Slaps my forehead.  You won an Oscar for playing an ugly woman.  They had to ugly you up with make-up and prosthetics and shit.  Pretty people play pretty people and holy shit, pretty people even play ugly people because Hollywood is winking to the audience, “Don’t worry audience, this ugly character is really being played by a pretty person with ugly makeup on!”

OK.  I just have to stop or I’ll complain all day.

#OscarsSoPretty

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I Don’t Want to Be Sexist

Ladies, what are you worried your boyfriend might be?

I think I have the possibility that your boyfriend might a zombie covered but other than that, let me know what else you think your man might be.

Maybe I’ll just give everything up and keep writing top ten lists.  The top ten lists seem to have me on my way to gaining another 3.5 readers.  Seven readers – hooray!

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 68

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“There’s something else I’m forgetting to tell you,” Miles said. “I’m sure of it.”

Gunther stood up and stretched his arms out. “Couldn’t have been that important.”

Miss Bonnie walked around the table and kissed the boy on the forehead. “You were very brave.”

Gunther seconded that sentiment with a slap on Miles shoulder. “I didn’t know your Pa long but from what I gathered he was a good man. He’d be proud of you.”

Slade…well. He was Slade. “Good job, kid.”

The redhead walked on to look out the window. Slade noticed his near catatonic bride was sitting in a pew with her knees tucked up under her chin. It pained him not to go to her, but he felt a compulsion to see Miss Bonnie instead.

He waited a moment or two until everyone else was busy, then sauntered up beside her.

Together, Slade and Miss Bonnie watched as zombies wandered around aimlessly in the road. Eventually, they struck up a conversation, being careful to speak softly the entire time.

“I’m glad you’re alive,” Slade said.

Miss Bonnie looked at Slade for a second, then turned back to the zombies. “You too.”

“I looked for you,” Slade said.

“Not for long I reckon,” Miss Bonnie said.

“The place was blown to bits,” Slade said. “Goddamn dead people on fire were trying to eat me…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Miss Bonnie said. “You had to get back to your wife.”

Silence.

“Congratulations,” Miss Bonnie added.

“It didn’t happen,” Slade said.

Miss Bonnie gawked at Slade. “What?”

“Jack and his boys busted the whole thing up,” Slade said. “There was a gunfight…they turned into zombies…”

“Jesus,” Miss Bonnie said.

Slade reached down and grabbed Miss Bonnie’s hand. “Maybe all of this means that you and I should…”

Miss Bonnie wrenched her hand free. “You horse’s ass!”

Slade didn’t have to ask “What?” His dumbfounded face did it for him.

“You were too yellow to tell Sarah about us before when everything was fine but you want to break her heart now that there’s a bunch of dead people trying to eat us alive?” Miss Bonnie asked.

“I…but you said you wouldn’t even if I asked you,” Slade said. “And I asked you…”

“And I still won’t, ya’ big dummy,” Miss Bonnie said. She glanced quickly at Sarah, who was too busy in her own sorrow to notice anything. “Get your ass back over there and comfort her!”

“But…”

“Nothing’s changed,” Miss Bonnie said. “Now scoot.”

“Women,” Slade muttered. He stopped by the table again. Doc was in a cold sweat. Annabelle was gently massaging his temples.

The Reverend was boozing it up and Miles was still trying to refresh his own memory.

“I told you how to kill vampires?” Miles asked.

“Yup,” Gunther replied.

“Werewolves?”

“Yup.”

“Zombies?”

“Yup.”

“Huh,” Miles said. “What was it?”

“Don’t hurt yourself son,” Gunther said. “It’ll come to you.”

Slade walked on. He passed by Townsend, who was holding a private vigil over Blake’s head and technically the rest of his body as well, even though it was still pinned underneath a werewolf corpse.

“You two were close?” Slade asked.

“Yeah,” Townsend said. “Best pals since we were kids.”

“Sorry,” Slade said.

“I remember the first time we played stickball…”

Townsend told the story for an entire minute before realizing that Slade had already walked away.

Slade was Slade.

The ex-marshall took a seat in the pew next to Sarah. He put an arm around his bride. She held her groom close, burying the side of her face up against his chest.

Together they sat for awhile until finally, Sarah spoke.

“You must think me very foolish.”

“No,” Slade said.

“I’m simply not made to handle something like this,” Sarah said.

“I don’t know anyone was made to handle something like this,” Slade said.

Thump! Everyone turned as Miles slapped his hand on the table.

“Now I remember!” the boy said as he stood up. “Don’t let a zombie bite….”

“ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!”

Now everyone’s attention was on Townsend, who was screaming out in pain.

Miles gulped.

“…you.”

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Gold Digger

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Does your girlfriend take your money when you are in need?

Is she a triflin’ friend indeed?

In that case, whether or not you’re Jamie Foxx (as featured in Kanye West’s song Gold Digger) you might want to consult this expert list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Gold Digger:

10.  You actually have some gold to dig.  If your ass is broke, then believe it or not, she might actually just like you for your personality.  Who knew?  I sure 9didn’t.  I always thought you were a schmuck.

9.  Uses you like her own personal ATM.  If you’re asleep, she just picks you up, turns you upside down, and shakes you until all the loot falls out of your pockets.

8.  Has a long laundry list of reasons why she can’t get a job.  None of those problems ever interfere with her partying.

7.  Her hands are always in your pants…until she finds your wallet and then they’re gone.

6.  All of your credit cards are maxed out.  Your bank accounts are drained.  Creditors are banging down your door.  You came home fully intent on putting your foot down on her cutting back but then she pouted…so you found a high interest loan from your friendly neighborhood loan shark.  Soon, your kneecaps will be as busted as your credit score,  but at least she’ll have seventeen pairs of high-heel boots in a variety of colors.

5.  You tried to explain the concept of a coupon to her once.  Gave up when a demonstration involving sock puppets (your left hand was the cashier and your right was the customer with the coupon) failed.

4.  Talks you into taking her on exotic vacations often.  Her social media feeds are full of pictures of her wearing one of those damn straw cowgirl hats shouting “Wooo!” with a red plastic cup in her hand.  Your social media feed is just a bunch of pictures of you passed out on the hotel floor whilst clutching your heart and holding the bill.

3.  Victoria’s Secret.  Dolce and Gabbanna.  Louis Vouitton.  Every month your credit company calls you and asks, “Sir, did we accidentally send you Jennifer Lopez’ bill by mistake?  Because our records indicate you are an ugly overweight middle aged man…”  (Why are you using a credit card company that keeps such detailed records?)

2.  Whenever she says “I just want to look good for you baby” she gets a whole new wardrobe.

  1.  Tennis.  Weights.  Yoga.  You’ve been paying for some kind of personal trainer for her for years but to date, you’ve never seen her swing a racquet, lift a barbell, or strike a downward dog pose.  (There’s a joke in here somewhere about how the yoga instructor is the only one seeing the downward dog but…yeah…never mind. You’ve been through too much already buddy.)

 

 

 

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