Tessa Fireswarm – YA Novel Protagonist/Attempts to Destroy BQB’s Magic Bookshelf Often
If you’ve been one of BQB’s 3.5 readers from the very beginning (my condolences to you for that is precious time out of your life that you will never get back) then you’re aware one of the characters living on BQB’s magic bookshelf is none other than a tiny version of Tessa Fireswarm, protagonist of the Arrowblast series.
What? Up your nose with a rubber hose, Suzanne Collins. Tessa is a true original.
Wait. This just in. Attorney Donnelly informs me that Tessa is a parody. Whatever. Just no one sue me please.
Anyway, when Tessa isn’t busy attempting to blow up the other characters living on BQB’s magic bookshelf in an ongoing war for shelf space, she occasionally advises BQB on the Young Adult genre.
Here now, with Tessa’s help, are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Young Adult Novel Heroine:
10. She can never decide between you and some other dude because you’re both so perfect and dreamy. Fear not because eventually one of you will do something douchey to make her decision a cinch.
9. Always wears black but oddly is not a goth.
8. Has never served in the military, engaged in combat, or even fired a gun before. Miraculously, still capable of overthrowing a cruel dictatorial regime set against the backdrop of a futuristic dystopia.
7. Politicians, generals and other heads of state are always interrupting your dates to consult her about every little thing. Talk about rude.
6. Her family has bought the farm courtesy of the evil dictator, thus motivating her hatred of whatever oppressive regime you happen to be living under. But hey, look at the bright side. No in-laws to drive you nuts on the holidays. Am I right? (What? Too soon?)
5. Her life’s story sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie except the adults are replaced with kids. Creepy!
4. Whenever she tells you her life’s story, she drones on and on. You don’t have the heart to tell her that she could cut it down into one book. In fact, you have a sneaking suspicion that she’s going for the trilogy.
3. Has a special power. Expert marksmanship. Telekinesis. Magic. Whatever her power is, it’s not “making sandwiches for boyfriends 101.” (Psst, women don’t have that power in the real world either so get used to it, kids!)
2. Zombies or zombie-like creatures seem to get crowbarred into her adventures for no other reason than hey, people like zombies!
- Whatever war she’s fighting, she didn’t want to start it, but she’ll end it. Try not to let her warrior skills make you feel like a girly man. (Even though, yeah, they kinda do.