Bookshelf Battle

Wait until April 24th for Game of Thrones Season 6?

This a man cannot do.

For Lord Battler of House Bookshelf loveth his Game of Thrones.

Oh, how it has allowed nerds across the land to experience what Superbowl Sunday must feel like for the normals.

Yes, 3.5 readers I love GOT as much as you love your girlfriend.

And from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be the Khaleesi:

(Note this list is mere fantasy.  If you’re reading this blog, you are a nerd who is unworthy of the Khaleesi.)

***NOTE: GOT SPOILERS AHEAD!  SPOILERS!!!!****

10.  Her wardrobe consists of 950 turquoise dresses. Khaleesi loves turquoise.

9.  No one at work ever steels her lunch from the communal fridge…BECAUSE IT’S A DAMN BLOODY HORSE HEART IN A BAG!

8.  You avoid arguing with her because you know that all arguments end with…

Science!

It’s the discipline that provides the answers to our most vexing questions about the world we live in. Ironically, with every question scientists answer, new inquiries pop up every day.

Most scientists are reputable members of the community, dedicated to following strict rules and procedures.

However, there are some scientists who dare to dabble in the depths of depravity that few are willing to tread.

As part of his penance for “accidentally” causing a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown last summer, Dr. Hugo Von Science has assisted the Bookshelf Battle Blog in creating this list of the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist:

10. Foreplay consists of him dropping his pants and shouting, “IT’S ALIVE…IT’S ALIVE!”

9.  His home decor consists of:

• Beakers filled with foaming potions, bubbling brews, and other strange concoctions.
• Giant switches that require you to strain yourself just to flip.
• Tesla…

Yes, your girlfriend is quite fetching.

I’d make a joke about how she could assassinate me anytime…but I really don’t want to be assassinated.

One might even say if looks could kill…well, hold that thought.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be an Assassin.

10.  Constantly wears a fully body leather cat suit everywhere, at all times…EXCEPT…when you want her to.  When you want her to she just throws on those dumpy old smelly sweat pants you wish she’d throw away. Women.

9.  All of her seemingly minor faux pas may in fact be attempts to assassinate you:

• Undercooked chicken = bad cook? – Nope. Assassin! (An attempt to assassinate you via food poisoning.)

• Slippery floor = lousy housekeeper? – Nope. Assassin! (She’s biding her time until you slip and fall to your doom.)

• Constantly wants to do it =…

Lady Melisandre.

The Red Woman.

Skillfully played by Carice van Houten, the Red Woman may be Stannis’ other woman but let’s face it…she’s the only woman if she has anything to say about it.

From the home office in BQB HQ and just in time for the Season 6 Premiere of Game of Thrones, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Melisandre:

10.  She’s very supportive of your work and career goals…to the point that she’s willing to push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to murder your enemies.

Hey.  Be disgusted all you want but that’s true commitment right there.  My entire life I’ve never even been able to get a woman to make a damn sandwich for me, let alone push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to use in the assassination of my enemies.

9.  Cares enough about you that…

Hipster Cersei

Hey dude.

Look, I don’t want to cause any trouble but if you ask me your girlfriend and her brother seem just a little bit too uh…close, if you catch my drift.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might be Cersei Lannister:

(SPOILERS!)

10.  She keeps it in the family…and we’re not talking about money.  We’re talking about the royal boo-tay.

9.  She and her brother always have some excuse to be alone together.  And then whenever you walk in on them unannounced, they immediately start buttoning up their clothes and shout, “We weren’t humping!”

Which is odd because if they weren’t humping why would they feel the need to tell you that they weren’t humping?

If you ask me, a brother and sister trying to cover up their illicit humping might actually go out of their…

Ah, the Victorian Age!

When gadgets were powered by steam and operated by cranks and levers and wheels and other such bullshit.

Some people are so enamored with the late 1800’s that they wish they could live there.

Heck, your girlfriend acts like that all the time.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Steampunk.

10.  When she asks if you want to get high, that usually means she’s offering you a ride in her airship.  (Although it could also be a pot reference.  Steampunks aren’t necessarily against the idea of steaming up a spliff once in awhile…)

9.  Wears goggles everywhere, for no apparent reason, even when they are not necessary.  Alas, you can’t see her beautiful eyes or tell what she’s thinking about.  (Hint: it’s probably steam.)

8.  Demands that you also convert all of your…

Fear not, 3.5 readers.  Jake Dashing continues to file his pop culture mystery reports.

I’m just so bogged down with all my work here at Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters that I never have time to edit and post them.

I really need to hire an assistant.

I head a rumor though that after being told to pound sand one too many times by Attorney Donnelly, Jake has set his sights on a lady detective who he shares some uh, let’s say, “personality traits” with.

Here the mystery woman is, with the Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say About You if She Were a Classic Film Noir Detective.

(Translated from English to Film Noir Speak.)

10.  ENGLISH: Babe, you left the bathroom a mess!

FILM NOIR SPEAK:  Another day, another dollar and another twenty-four hours closer to meeting my maker. I gave up on a perfect life long ago…

And now from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Reality Television Star!

10.  Cameras follow her around wherever she goes, despite the fact that she never does anything relevant or newsworthy whatsoever.

9.  Meanwhile, producers follow you around wherever you go, demanding that you engage your girlfriend in obviously contrived dramatic interactions.  Tell her you have a disease that you don’t really have.  Tell her that her sister is dying when she doesn’t even have a sister.  Tell her a mutual friend that doesn’t exist was just hit by a bus. Just tell her something that sounds totally awful to keep the viewers from changing the channel.

8. That teeny weeny dog living in her purse gets more kisses from her than you do.

7.  When she does kiss you she leaves so much glitter on you that you end…