Monthly Archives: February 2017

4 Books in 1 Year

It’s adventurous and unlikely but I hope to self publish 4 books this year.

Part of the trick is I’m trying to convince myself to be less of a stickler for perfection and churn those books out.

I’ve got covers for BQB’s Writing Prompts, Zom Fu and Zomcation.  I have one more in mind though I’ll hold back at this time.

I probably should have finished the books before ordering the covers but oh well, it makes me happy.

Do you think it is possible 3.5 readers?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Death and Children

Well…that’s kind of a scary title for a blog post but don’t worry, I’ll make sense of it in a minute.

A kid from my graduating class at East Randomtown High School died this week.  Late thirties.  I can’t say I was friends with him but there wasn’t any reason for that.  Our paths just didn’t cross that much.  I have memories of being a nice little kid and playing with him at recess and stuff but other than that, I didn’t know him as an adult or anything.

Makes me sad…a) because you never know how much time we have left and b) they guy was in better shape than I am so holy shit, I should probably skip the next donut.

Oh what the hell.  Give me the donut.

Video Game Rack Fighter and I don’t have children.  It saddens me.  Thought I would by this age.

Men apparently have biological clocks too.  I mean, sure, in theory, a seventy year old man can knock up a chick but that’s a) if you make it to 70 and b) it won’t be that much fun to be a dad because you’ll be too tired to play with the kid and c) really, only a select handful of men can pull off impregnating a younger woman.

Ahh, you forgot that part.  A 70 year old man can’t impregnate a 70 year old woman i.e. a woman in his league because her lady area is all dried up and filled with bats and spiders and so on.

Not that I’m knocking the older gals.  I’m sure old men probably just have a little flag that shoots out of their privates that reads, “Thanks for playing.  Try again.”

Anyway, only super rich 70 year olds can woo and knock up a younger woman.  Like our 45th POTUS, the Trumpster, for example.  He knocked up a younger woman when he was 60 and now he has a ten year old at 70.

Good for him, but I don’t own any skyscrapers that I can point to when I’m 70 and say, “Hey, younger women, I own this and I can give you a good life so please allow me to impregnate you and a good time will be had by all.”

That’s exactly how I’d say it too.  I’m such a romantic.

Just saddens me all around.

Because now I’m just thinking like, realistically, even now I’m pushing it and at best I have a couple years left to put a bun in the oven before I’m the oldest baker at the kid’s graduation.

Maybe I should just adopt a bunch of poor orphans and become their father.  I can fill BQB HQ with orphans and turn the place into an orphan sanctuary.

I just don’t want to be forgotten, 3.5 readers.

What say you?

 

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BQB is Back!

Wonderful news, 3.5 readers.

My special Valentine’s Day song moved Video Game Rack fighter so much that she took me back, allowed me to return to BQB HQ and has returned my glorious blog to me.  Also, she returned custody of you, my 3.5 readers.

Thank you for sticking with us during this tough time.  Every couple has their ups and downs, but it’s nothing but up from here on out.

Also, having to spoon with Leo McCoy in the Random Motel for warmth was truly a low point of my life.  Please don’t tell anyone.  This should be fine as only 3.5 people read this blog.

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Literary Poop with Professor Nannerpants – Analysis of “Dreams” by Langston Hughes

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Professor Horatio J. Nannerpants, Professional Simian Literary Professor/Semi-Professional Poop Flinger

Ah, hello again 3.5 students.  How splendid to see you are still taking time out of your busy schedules to read literature.  Books are food for the mind you know.

Just be sure to find an equal amount of time to fling your poop.  In fact, I dare pose this brain teaser to you:

If a poop is left unflung, was it ever really pooped to begin with?

I’ll let that nugget simmer in your mental stew.  In the meantime, it is Black History Month and thus a time of year where we literary scholars are reminded to peruse the contributions of African American poets and writers to the cultural zeitgeist.  Google “zeitgeist,” 3.5 students, I swear it is a real word.

In this humble professor’s opinion, these contributions must be studied all year long.  In fact, based on conversations I have had with one Mr. Bookshelf Q. Battler, the former proprietor of this blog before Ms. Video Game Rack Fighter won custody of this blog and its 3.5 readers in a divorce case, BQB is particularly fond of this poem:

Dreams

By: Langston Hughes

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

Eight lines.  Like your humble professor, this poem is short and sweet.  And yet, if you delve deeper into these words, you’ll find so much meaning.

When we’re children, the world is our oyster.  Technically speaking, no outcome is impossible for a child because children possess so much of the most crucial of resources: time.  A forty year old drive-through worker who tells you he wishes to be an NBA basketball player, or an Academy Award winning actor, or an astronaut has the odds against him.  This person may, in theory, be very capable, but he just does not have the time to make such achievements.

On the other hand, a ten year old who tells you he wishes to do all of these things does have the time.  Statistically speaking, the child will, upon reaching adulthood, realize the lesson that many learn, namely, that life is hard, that resources are limited, that there is just too much competition for too few opportunities.  However, until that child comes to that realization, the world is a happy place in his eyes.

I hesitate to put words into Mr. Hughes’ mouth but your professor has a take on the meaning of this poem.  It’s quite simple.  Ignore the realization of the statistically unlikely probability that you will not achieve your big dreams.

Yes, you know in your heart and in your brain that at forty, you will not become an astronaut, but keep looking for the stars and studying astronomy books in the hopes that you might make it happen.

No, you most likely will not take home a gold statue.  Audition for a part in your community theater’s horrendously tacky play anyway.

No, you aren’t going to be drafted by the NBA.  Don’t let that stop you from playing pick up games with your friends.

Take Mr. Battler for instance.  He is well aware that he has a better chance of being struck in the ass by lightning a second time (we all know this happened to him a first time) than he does at becoming a successful writer.

Does he let that stop him? No.  Why?  Because he knows if he stops writing, he will be left with nothing else to look forward to.  He’ll while away his hours watching television, playing video games, stuffing his suck hole with ding dongs, never, ever doing anything productive.

One might even say that at that point, Mr. Battler’s life will be like “a broken-winged bird that cannot fly” or even “a barren field frozen with snow.”

Mr. Battler’s life, without his precious, absurdly difficult to obtain dream, would become hopeless, just as hopeless as a bird who has tasted the joys of flight but will never experience it again…just as hopeless as a field that can’t be utilized for crops because the soil has gone bad and frozen over.

Do you want to feel as hopeless as a broken-winged bird or a barren, frozen field, 3.5 students?  No?  Good.  Then I don’t care how hopeless it seems.  I don’t care if you are ninety and you dream of becoming the next top pop star, you get your old, wrinkly ass to the garage and start squeezing your backside into a pair of tight pants, then start shaking your booty.

No, you will never replace Katy Perry.  Yes, you need to hope that you will in order to get through the day.

And there you have it.  Another fine example of our beloved English language, expertly explained by your all-knowing professor.

Are you pursuing a dream that is unlikely just to keep your life from become a broken-winged bird or a barren, frozen field?  Share your thoughts and fling your poop in the comments.

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Daily Discussion with VGRF – Should VGRF Get Back Together With BQB and Return His Blog?

Hey 3.5 readers.  Happy Valentine’s Day.

Video Game Rack Fighter here.

Sigh.  I suppose BQB’s love song got to me.  All of a sudden I’m missing his neediness and feeling bad that I have left him with no other place to live other than a tiny motel room where he has to spoon with Leo McCoy, the Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

Then again, if I let him come back he’ll just pee on the toilet seat again.  Plus, I have come to enjoy being a blog proprietor.  And it has been a blast to have custody of you 3.5 readers.

Thoughts?  What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Hello…Is It BQB You’re Looking For?

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Dear Video Game Rack Fighter,

Your old ex-boyfriend BQB here.  I know our divorce agreement called for me to be shot out of a cannon aimed directly at the sun if I ever post on this fine blog ever again, but it’s Valentine’s Day and I can’t help myself.

These past few weeks spent spooning with Leo McCoy in the Random Motel have really provided me some perspective, namely, that I love you and also that I won’t even pee in the toilet anymore so as to avoid causing a fight due to poor aim.  I will just pee outside with Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog from now on.

Anyway, I met Lionel Ritchie at the Random Motel.  He was staying there because, well, he doesn’t have much to do lately.  He helped me write this love song in your honor.  Hope you like it:

Hello…Is It BQB You’re Looking For?

I’ve been alone with you inside my HQ
And when Leo McCoy spoons me, I don’t know what to do.
I sometimes use the Yeti as my throw rug on the floor.
Hello, is it BQB you’re looking for?
I can see it in on the blog
I can see it in the web hits
You want to go back to your video games.
You don’t want none of this.
And I want to tell you so much, I love you.
I long to see you turn on your gaming system.
And watch you kick back with a game of Car Thief Mayhem.
But all I do now is tell Leo McCoy, “No!”
Hello!  I don’t want to spoon with him no mo!
Cause I wonder what Bookshelf Q Battle Dog is up to.
Is he being a good dog.Is he watching over you?
Tell me how to win back my blog, it would be a miraculous feat.
But let me start by saying…I’m sorry I peed on the toilet seat.
Hello
Is it BQB you’re looking for?
Cause I wonder about my 3.5 readers, and what is on their minds.
Are they still even reading this blog?  Are they tired of this grind?
Tell me how to win back my blog, oh that would be a miraculous feet
But let me start by saying I’m sorry I peed on the toilet seat.

P.S. Also I love you and so forth.

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Top Ten Things to Do on Valentine’s Day If You are Single

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Hey 3.5 readers.

VGRF here.

Ahh, Valentine’s Day.  That day of the year where couples celebrate their love, and single people wallow in their misery.

Have you got no sweetie to canoodle with on this February 14?  No worries.  From BQB HQ, now VGRF HQ, in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Things You Can Do on Valentine’s Day If You Are Single:

#10 – Cry

It’s natural.  It’s healthy.  It pushes toxins out of your system.  Have a ball while having a ball.  Personally, I won’t cry over…<sniff sniff> that loser BQB…<sniff>.

#9 – Hug Your Cat

Video Game Rack Fighter Cat is my fluffy valentine.  If you don’t have a fluffy valentine, maybe there’s one at the pound who would love to be yours.

#8 – Eat Lots of Ice Cream

Preferably, with the cat under one arm and the spoon in the other hand thus to maximize the total possible amounts of cat snuggling and scooping of ice cream into face hole.

#7 – Fart Freely

You’re single.  You have no one to offend.  Let ’em rip.

#6 – Foil a Super Villain’s Plot to Take Over the World

There’s always a super villain up to no good somewhere.  Also, not gonna lie, foiling a super villain is a great story to tell on a date.  You’ll definitely have a valentine next year if you foil a super villain’s plot.  Then again, I have foiled several super villain plots and I am dateless this year.  Harrumph.

#5 – Drunk Dial Exes

Pretend to be a telemarketer just so they’ll talk to you again.  Or just be quiet and listen to them breathe.  Better yet, load up Lionel Ritchie’s Hello and press play when your ex answers.

Nothing convinces an ex that they goofed up big time by letting you get away than calling them a bunch of times and having Lionel sing, “Hello…is it me you’re looking for?”

Oh wait.  They weren’t looking for you.  That’s why they are exes.  Scratch this plan.  Don’t call your exes.  You are better than this.

#4 – Invent a Fake Valentine

Send yourself roses and chocolates at work.  Sign the card from “A Secret Admirer” or pick a swarthy name like, “Ricardo Montalban.”  Just make sure no one in the office is a fan of Fantasy Island.

You’ll know the swag is from you, but your office co-workers will at least assume someone wants a piece of what you’ve got.  Enjoy the compliments all day.  Eat the chocolate and cry all night.

#3 – Declare Yourself a Jehovah’s Witness for a Day

All holidays stink because the only one we should be celebrating is Jesus.  Why are you idiots celebrating Valentine’s Day when you are too stupid to concentrate on a love related holiday and remember to love Jesus at the same time?  Bunch of dummies.

Renounce your new faith on February 15 or what the heck, you could hold onto it until St. Patrick’s Day if you prefer.

#2 – Build a Sex Robot

I took a tour of BQB’s super secret science workshop and between you and me, he has tried to make a whole ton of sex robots.  None of them work though.  They’re hot robot babes, but all they want to do is wash your hair and give you a pedicure.  BQB is the worst robot programmer ever.

#1 – Go to that Place Where That Person Said They’d Meet You

Remember when your old flame said, “If neither of us have found anyone in X number of years, then meet me at such and such monument or famous public place.”

Have X number of years passed yet?  Better get over to that place then.  Then again, you could just punish that dirtbag for not being with you when he had the chance and stand him up while you watch TV and snuggle with your cat and ice cream carton.

Are you a single person?  No, seriously, you probably are if you are reading this blog, but you know, I didn’t want to just insult you by automatically assuming.  If you are sans date this year, how will you spend this holiday?

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TV Review: American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson

Murder.  Courtroom theatrics.  A car chase involving an infamous white Ford Bronco.

VGRF here with a review of American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOmQlX3rK4s

Even after being told by all sorts of people that this series was worth a look see, I avoided it.  After all, I was alive in the 1990s and if you were too, then this case was splashed on every TV channel all day, everyday.  Though I was in high school at the time, like every other human on the planet, I gained a working knowledge of details, workings, and controversies behind the case, simply because it was impossible not to, given that the whole country was captivated by it.

In other words, I just didn’t think a new TV show about it could tell me much I didn’t already know but I was wrong.  After giving the first episode on a shot on Netflix, I was instantly hooked.

If you’re a youngster, here’s my best attempt at a quick rehash.  At one time, O.J. Simpson was a beloved American icon.  He was a football star dubbed, “The Juice,” known for his incredible speed and pulling off amazing moves on the field.  After his athletic career ended, he found a second calling in TV commercials for Hertz rental cars.  Further, he played the lovable Nordberg in The Naked Gun, taking all manner of comic abuse from incompetent Detective Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen).

In 1994, Simpson’s ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were gruesomely stabbed to death.  Incredibly damning pieces of evidence against O.J. were found, ranging from O.J.’s blood being found at the crime scene to Brown’s blood being found at O.J.’s home property.

Seemed like an open and shut case of a jealous ex-husband seeking the ultimate revenge against his ex-wife and a man she was either seeing or was just unlucky to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.  Perhaps people with better memories can remind me but as far as I recall, it sounded like Nicole and Ron were considered to be an item largely due to the fact that he was at Nicole’s home to return a pair of sunglasses left at the restaurant he worked at and restaurant workers are unlikely to do that sort of thing without some kind of romantic intentions.

Alas, the case didn’t turn out that easy.  DNA evidence was relatively new at the time.  People were having a hard time grasping the concept that science could be used to match blood to the person who bled it.  Prior to DNA evidence, blood found at a crime scene could have belonged to anyone as far as the police knew.

On top of that, LA had been devastated by massive, widespread riots over the result of the Rodney King beating case verdict, i.e. police officers were caught on top beating a suspect, were let off the hook, and the community was none too pleased, to say the least.

Against that backdrop, the O.J. case became a microcosm of varying points of view against the different groups that comprised America:

  • Many African Americans saw the case as an example of a poor black man who pulled himself up, found fame and fortune, and was being railroaded by a system that didn’t want to see black people get ahead.
  • Others saw the case of celebrity status run amuck.  To paraphrase comedian Chris Rock’s take on the case, had O.J. been a bus driver, he’d of been “Orenthal the bus driving murderer.”  In other words, had O.J. not possessed the star power needed to dazzle the public along with the financial resources to dole out a fortune to a “Dream Team” of the country’s most famous attorneys, he most likely would have been found guilty.  Thus, many didn’t see this as a racial case so much as a case of how the rich and famous are able to game the system and get away with crimes the poor and obscure never could.
  • Some even saw it as an example of the struggles of battered women.  There had been a long history of Nicole being beaten by OJ running up to the murders yet nothing happened.
  • Ultimately, the case was the first courtroom battle to be broadcast round the clock on twenty four hour news stations.  It was sensationalized to the max, and everyone and their uncle came out of the woodwork to cash in on the O.J. case.

Anyway, enough of the backstory.  What captivated me about this series is that I was treated to something I didn’t see in the 1990s, i.e. what happened behind the scenes.  That turmoil is best expressed via the individual experiences of the key players:

  • Robert Kardashian (David Schwimmer) – O.J.’s best friend who serves as an attorney on the Dream Team.  This is some of the best acting I’ve seen coming out of Schwimmer, as he makes me believe that he truly loves O.J. and that love keeps him blind to the possibility that O.J. could have been behind these murders.  Also, he was the father of the Kardashian clan, aka Kim Kardashian, as well as Khloe, Kourtney, and Rob, not to mention ex-husband of Kris.  There’s a scene where Robert lectures his young children that values like friendship, loyalty, hard work and so on are much more important than fame and glamour, but something tells me the kids weren’t listening.
  • Robert Shapiro (John Travolta) – Also some of the best acting I’ve seen out of Travolta, who portrays Shapiro as a sleaze who is overly concerned with his reputation and what the public thinks about him.  Known as a celebrity plea bargainer, i.e. an attorney who helps celebrity defendants get the best possible deal rather than taking the cases to trial.
  • Marcia Clark (Sarah Paulson) – Tough lead prosecutor who starts out thinking the case is a slam dunk only to have it consume her life when it becomes more than she bargained for.  Hard as nails as she wants to see justice done for the victims.  Victim of a sexist media that routinely comments on her physical appearance, clothes, and hair style.  Her family life suffers as she has to hire babysitters to watch her kids all the time, leaving her ex-husband to challenge custody.  Vastly outnumbered against O.J.’s team of the best lawyers money can buy.
  • Johnnie Cochran (Courtney B. Vance) – Was often parodied as a flashy charlatan at the time of trial as he wore loud suits and spoke in rhyme (“If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”)  This series gives his reputation gets a bit of an upgrade as we see Cochran’s past work in representing African American defendants and families of victims of alleged police brutality.
  • Chris Darden (Sterling K. Brown) – In a widespread, star studded cast, probably has the most compelling story.  He is a co-prosecutor on the case, yet family and friends from his old neighborhood view him as a sellout because they feel O.J. has been falsely accused and is being railroaded by the man.  Ironically, having worked in a dead end position in the LA DA’s office in which he investigates allegations against police officers that never go anywhere due to a system that prevents this from happening, he is aware that the LAPD is not without its share of problems.  Yet, he also believes what’s right is right, what’s wrong is wrong and in this particular case, feels strongly in O.J.’s guilt and that letting a murderer go free isn’t the way to fix a broken system.

Last but not least, Cuba Gooding Jr. reminds us why he won an Oscar in his portrayal of Simpson.  This had to have been a difficult character to play.  Even behind the scenes, Cuba as O.J. maintains his innocence.  At no time are you given a proverbial smoking gun, so if you think he’s guilty, you are free to interpret O.J.’s actions/outbursts/odd activities as those of a guilty man, or if you think he’s innocent, you are free to chalk it all up to the stress of a falsely accused man being railroad.

Although, let’s be honest, holy shit, O.J. was totally guilty.  I’m not sure if there was ever any kind of poll but as far as I know, everyone thinks he did it and the evidence is pretty undeniable, even though the jury denied it at the time.  The family of Ronald Goldman was able to win a civil judgment against the Juice.  What clinches it for me (among many things that clinched it) was that years later, OJ released a disturbing If I Did It book, explaining how he would have done it – not exactly something that a person “falsely accused” of murdering an ex-wife he claimed to love would do, IMO.

Ironically, years later, O.J. ended up going to jail after a failed burglary meant to steal pieces of his sports memorabilia.  One would think that a man who so miraculously beat a murder rap would have kept his nose clean from then on, oh that wacky O.J.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Binge watch it on Netflix today.

 

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Movie Review – John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017)

Guns!  Knives!  Stylishly choreographed fight scenes!

VGRF here with a review of John Wick: Chapter 2.

Take a gold coin and an OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

You know, 3.5 readers, back when I was dating that poor excuse for a man, BQB, I went with him to see the first John Wick movie and was pleasantly surprised.  Isn’t it great when you go to a film, not expecting much, only to be blown away by it?

Keanu Reeves, one of the world’s most well-preserved fifty something year olds, reprises his role.  Without getting into the nitty gritty, Wick owes someone a favor and when that favor is called in, whoa nelly, look out when because the shit is going to hit the proverbial fan.

It’s an excellent sequel.  It doesn’t follow the usual sequel mistake of trying to be bigger or badder.  It just carries on the story with all the stylish mayhem this franchise has caused us to grow accustomed to.

From a writer’s standpoint, wannabe scribes can learn a lot.  “Show, don’t tell” is the name of the game when it comes to good writing and both films follow that rule to the letter.

Wick lives in a world where hitmen have rules.  They use gold coins as currency.  There are hotels around the world where they can stay, utilize certain services and enjoy safety from other hitmen while under the hotel’s protection.  Ian McShane plays Winston, one such hotel owner. We learn a bit more about the rules and the people behind them in this film.

As this film series has grown in popularity, it’s no surprise that more and more actors want a piece of the action.  Common, Ruby Rose (who is having a good start to her year if you were one of the 3.5 people who saw XXX: Return of Xander Cage), and Lawrence Fishburne all stop by to trade snide comments and the occasional bullet with Wick.

Keanu’s still got it after all these years.  Whenever he speaks, he still sounds like that California surfer dude we loved in the eighties.  Half the time when he shoots someone I expect him to say, “And I’m Ted ‘Theodore’ Logan.”  (Go rent Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, millennials).

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  A third is clearly on the way.  I love it when a first film surprises me and I also love it when the studio doesn’t screw up the inevitable cash grabbing sequel once the first film generates a fan base.  Worth a trip to the theater.

 

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Movie Review – The Lego Batman Movie (2017)

Na na na na na na na na Batman!

VGRF here with a review of The Lego Batman Movie.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER ALERT.

Oh, 3.5 readers.  I’ve been enjoying myself so much since I broke up with that loser, BQB.  I have taken over the BQB HQ and now I get to go to movies without having to sit next to that nerd.

As it turns out, The Lego Movie was not a flash in the pan success.  Lego Batman is just as awesome.

The plot?  The Joker (Zach Galifinakis) is dismayed when Batman (Will Arnett) informs him that he isn’t the worst villain in his life.  Thus, the Joker goes out of his way to prove he is Batman’s worst villain and all manner of shenanigans ensue.

Along the way, Batman adopts Robin (Michael Cera) who completes his look by ripping off his pants and teams up with new Gotham PD Commissioner Barbara Gordon aka Batgirl (Rosario Dawson). Of course, no Batman film would be complete without Alfred (Ralph Fiennes).

For me, the best laughs came when Joker enlists every last Batman villain, including some of the lesser knowns (the ketchup and mustard shooting Condiment Man, for example).  Joker invites the audience to Google whether or not these villains were real and not just made up to poke fun at the Batman franchise.

Having no life, I did the Google search when I got home and low and behold, there really was a Condiment Man.

It’s fun for the kids but there’s also a lot of action…well, as much action as a movie about Lego toys can provide.  Also, it’s a non-stop parody of all of the past Batman movies as jokes abound about the Caped Crusader’s exploits, ranging from the latest Dark Knight films, to the 1980s and 1990s films, to the more campy 1960s series.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Fun for the whole family.  I don’t have a family so I took Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog.

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