Monthly Archives: April 2017

Zom Fu – Chapter 57

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Dragonhand wasted no time. He delivered ten slaps to Junjie’s stomach and another nine slaps to Junjie’s chest. Junjie grabbed Dragonhand’s hand before the tenth slap was landed, saving himself from explosion via the mystifying monkey slap.

“Knowledge is power,” Dragonhand said as he seized Junjie and flipped him into the air. “But experience is essential. So many have died due to the knowledge I have stolen from the brains of China’s greatest kung fu masters. How many have died at your hand?”

Junjie launched himself into the air and brought his arm down in a furious fox paw arc. The fiend stepped out of the way, leaving Junjie to crack marble floor with his fist.

The Infallible Master watched from a vantage point next to the Dragon Throne. “You were always so boastful, Longwei.”

Dragonhand ignored the old man and charged at Junjie. Junjie attempted to jump over Dragonhand, but his foot was caught by his adversary. He was flung ten feet across the throne room, but managed to right himself and land on his feet.

“Impressive,” Dragonhand said as he looked into Junjie’s eyes. “I see such hatred in your eyes.”

“Pay him no mind, disciple,” the master said.

“Why do you despise me so?” Dragonhand asked as he pointed at the ghost. “Because I killed that doddering old fool?”

Punch and deflect. Punch and deflect. The opponents became locked in a frustrating struggle, catching one another’s fists over and over. Dragonhand swept his foot underneath Junjie’s leg, knocking the young man on his back. Junjie sprang to his feet instantly.

“Gratitude is in order,” Dragonhand said. “He would have eventually found a way to hold you back, just as he did me.”

“I never held you back, Longwei,” the master said.

Dragonhand looked at the ghost. “Shut up.”

“The truth disturbs you, Longwei?” the master asked.

Taking advance of a distracted foe, Junjie bicycle kicked his way across the room, connecting his feet to Dragonhand’s face seven times. Once he regained his footing, Dragonhand hurled himself at the hero and brought both hands down against the side’s of Junjie’s throat.

The Devastating Crane Smash. Junjie felt its effects instantly. He fell to the ground. His face turned blue as he gasped for air. Dragonhand smiled as he walked in a circle around his opponent.
“And now you’ll know who your best student was, old man,” Dragonhand said as he raised his fist up high, preparing to bring it down on Junjie’s head.

“His name is Junjie, Longwei,” the master said.

Dragonhand turned to the master again. “Never say that name to me again!”

“What name?” the master asked. “Longwei?”

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RIP Don Rickles

Hey 3.5 dummies.

Sad news for the comedy world as legendary insult comic Don Rickles has died at the age of 90.  He is basically the inventor of insult comedy and also rolled with the Rat Pack aka Frank Sinatra and friends.

Here’s my favorite memory of Don Rickles, when he appeared in 1998’s Dirty Work starring Norm MacDonald and Artie Lange as a duo of schmucks who start a revenge for hire business.  This movie is kind of an acquired taste.  I’ve talked to people who love it or hate it, but no one in between.  Rickles is the best part of the film:

What’s your favorite Don Rickles moment?

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S-Town Podcast – Spoilery Review

Hey 3.5 readers.

So, I’ve had the chance to listen to the entire S-Town podcast.  This post will have spoilers, so if you don’t want to have it spoiled for you, don’t read on.

My observations:

  • It’s hard not to feel a little bit jerked around.  After all, it starts out as the wacky and eccentric John B, a prolific hater of his hometown (he calls it “Shit Town,” calls upon a reporter, Brian Reed, to investigate a murder.
  • There’s no murder and as a listener, this is disappointing.  I mean, obviously I’m glad that there was no murder, but once you learn that early on, you end up wondering what the point of the podcast was.
  • Reed, like many good reporters, takes a big nugget of nothing and turns into a pile of something.  Often, a reporter will put a lot of time and effort into a lead (i.e. a rumor of a murder) only to have that lead go nowhere.  Many reporters, at that point, will throw their hands up in the air and write the time they spent as lost.  Reed, on the other hand, kept in touch with John B and the residents of Shit Town for years and after awhile, found a story.
  • The podcast tragically shifts gears when we learn that John B has killed himself.  John B is a clock restorer, and so time becomes a big theme – how quickly it passes, how John B, while clearly having a screw loose, could still be relatable to the average forty something year old.  John B is smart, has an aptitude for science, has skills with chemistry and clock repair – he laments that he didn’t run from Shit Town in his 20s.  He can’t vocalize an explanation as to why he didn’t other than no one would have taken care of his elderly mother or his family property.  In short, at some point, and maybe we never really know when, but we always think we’re going to break out of our ruts and “become somebody” and depression comes when we get old enough to realize that it’s unlikely we’ll catch some great big break.  We then end up beating ourselves up, being able to see our lives in hindsight and knowing what we should have done, though we didn’t know or realize it at the time.
  • People on both sides of a dispute can be understandable.  John B’s longtime friend Tyler gets in a legal battle with Rita and Charlie, John B’s cousins from Florida that he rarely saw in life.  For part of the podcast, you cheer Tyler on, that he’s a quasi-adopted member of John B’s family and that John would have wanted the young man to inherit something from him.  But then you also get to know Rita, and you realize that John B hadn’t done the best job of taking care of his mother.  Though he did his best, his mother now flourishes with the cousins as they take her places and tend to all her needs.  And as distant cousins, they could have easily put the old gal in a home and washed their hands of the whole thing, but they’re taking care of her, and the old lady needs money for her expenses and that would come from her estate and that money won’t be there if Tyler keeps taking things from the property.
  • In short, you’re able to see both sides.  No one wants to go through the exercise of writing a will.  It’s too much of an admission that we will all croak one day, a fact that is part of the human experience and yet we try our best to push it out of our minds because if we didn’t we’d never do anything in life.  Still, if you have stuff, and people who would fight over the stuff, best to suck it up and leave behind a legal document that explains what you want to happen.
  • It’s a good podcast and Reed is to be commended for sticking with this for so long when most other reporters would have given up and decided there was no story here.  He ultimately turned nothing into something.
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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Ventriloquist Dummy

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Hello ladies.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

Is your boyfriend stiff?  Some might say even a little wooden?  Well, I don’t want to alarm you but just in case, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Ventriloquist Dummy:

#10 – He’s got wood.

Maybe it’s because he was carved out of an old tree, or maybe it’s because he’s a man.  Inconclusive.

#9 – He only speaks when you shove your hand up his ass.

Maybe it’s because he’s a puppet and that’s the only way he can speak…or maybe he’s a man with a girlfriend and thus, that’s the only way he’s allowed to speak.  Again, inconclusive.

#8 – Has a squeaky voice.

Maybe he has a squeaky voice because he’s a dummy or maybe he just suffers from a debilitating testosterone deficiency.  Inconclusive.

#7 – He’s a big dummy.

Maybe he’s a big dummy because he is a dummy but then again, has there ever been a woman in existence who didn’t think that her boyfriend or husband was a big dummy at one point in time or another?  Inconclusive.

#6 – Tells terrible jokes.

Most dummies do, but what man doesn’t?  Inconclusive.

#5 – Might Be an Evil Murderer

Yeah, but then again, any boyfriend might be an evil murderer.  Do you follow your boyfriend all day and night long?  Do you know where he is right now?  Inconclusive.

#4 – Can Still Talk While You’re Drinking Water

Either you’re an exceptional ventriloquist, or just a regular water drinker and your boyfriend likes to talk while you are thirsty.  Inconclusive.

#3 – Can Turn His Head Around 360 Degrees

That could mean that he’s a ventriloquist dummy but it could also mean that he’s been possessed by a demon.  Is your boyfriend a blasphemous heathen that inadvertently invited inexplicable evil to take up residence in his carcass?  Inconclusive.

#2 – His face is expressionless.

Yeah, but most men are bad when it comes to expressing their emotions.  Inconclusive.

#1 – Always has a snappy comeback.

True, that could be a sign that he’s a dummy but keep in mind men tend to say dickish things at extremely inappropriate times.  Inconclusive.

CONCLUSIONS

I have just scientifically proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is literally no way to tell whether or not your boyfriend is a human or a ventriloquist dummy, since there are so many similarities between the two.  Therefore, just to be on the safe side, you must assume your boyfriend is a ventriloquist dummy at all times.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Will We Ever Get to Mars?

Will we ever get to Mars, 3.5 readers?

If so, what will we do when we get there?

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Podcast Review – S-Town (2017)

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.

The first season of Serial was great.  The second, not as much but still pretty decent.

The peeps at This American Life are back with a new podcast, S-Town.

Short for “Shit Town,” its a tale of John, an Alabama man in his late forties.  He’s full of regret, fancies himself as an intelligent person but feels bad he never left his backwater burg.  When he overhears talk that a local young man committed a murder and got away with it, he contacts a reporter.  The reporter heads to the town to investigate and, well, that’s the point I have listened up to.

Thus far, it’s great and binge-able.  I highly recommend it.

Available on iTunes, or check out their website and listen.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Where Will Self Publishing Be in Five Years?

What advances will happen?  Will it still be thriving?  Will new sites and forms of technology arise to make the work of a self publisher easier?  Will things get harder?  Will the traditional publishing industry, much like the Empire, find a way to strike back?

More importantly, will I ever have more than 3.5 readers?

Discuss, 3.5 readers.

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Movie Trailer – Baywatch (2017)

I never watched Baywatch as a kid, but it was literally always on all the time.  If you just left your TV on and went to do something, it would inevitably be on.  And it was on for a long time too.  I don’t know how those lifeguards got into so many adventures but they sure did.

And now, like everything else from my youth, it is being parodied.  That’s ok.  It was pretty much a parody at the time.

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I Miss Game of Thrones

July start date is unacceptable.  I have grown so used to watching the show this time of year.

Now that Walking Dead is over, what should I watch on Sunday nights?  Any suggestions?

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Saturday Night Live is Getting Useless

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB with a complaint here.  It seems lately that SNL has averaged like one show a month, if that.  I haven’t sat down and figured out how long it is between shows, but it has been weeks since there has been a new one and that happens all the time.

WTF?  It used to be that whenever a news story broke, you could go, “Oh, I bet SNL will have fun with that” but now by the time they do a new show the story is old news.

I’m not sure what the deal is.  Maybe the actors are all working on movie deals, maybe everyone wants time off or something, I don’t know.  All speculation on my part.

It just seems incredibly lame to me that they can’t do better than this.  There should be a show every Saturday.

I’ve wondered if the Internet has had an impact on this.  Perhaps people don’t stay up for SNL anymore because of it.  However, for me, I watch SNL now more than ever because of the Internet.  I just go right to YouTube and watch whatever sketches I want.  I don’t know if that hurts their bottom line though I feel like there’s got to be some ad revenue even in posting sketches in the web.  I like it because I don’t have to stay up late and can watch whatever I want and skip over whatever seems lame.

Just a complaint I’m putting out into the universe.  A lot is happening in the world and SNL is missing out on it.

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