Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Movie Review – Room (2015)

Ugh.  I’m so depressed now 3.5 readers.

BQB here with a review of the Oscar nominated sadness fest that is Room.

SPOILER ALERT – That it will make you sad is just one of the many spoilers ahead.

I may be a movie buff but that doesn’t mean I watch everything.

I have a general rule about movies.  My life is already depressing enough that I don’t need to add to it with a story about other people being sad.  Ergo, I gravitate toward movies that are fun, action packed, adventurous, funny…situations that I can imagine myself in to escape the hum drum nature of my own existence.

But then again, movies like this one remind me and maybe all of us that as bad as we think we might have it…there’s always someone who has it way worse.

Rejoice and be happy with what you have.

Room, an Irish/Canadian film, stars Brie Larson as “Ma.”  Literally, that’s the only name you get for her character in the entire movie.  That’s the only name her five year old son, Jack (Jacob Tremblay), knows her by.

At the start of the film, Ma is a young woman who has obviously been kidnapped and held captive in a room for a long, long time.  It has been so long, in fact, that she has even given birth to Jack, a son she has with her captor, and has been raising him inside the room for years.

“Old Nick” (Sean Bridgers) aka the captor, enters room once in awhile, drops off some food, demands acknowledgement from Ma about how lucky she is to have him (which sadly, she’s learned over the years to feign in order to avoid a beating).

Without giving too much away, the first half of the film surrounds an escape attempt and the second half deals with…well, the aftermath.  If I tell you much more you might as well not watch it.

Jack has never known life outside of the room so needless to say, he’s had a less than usual upbringing.  Inanimate objects i.e. “plant” and “chair” and “lamp” are his friends.  He gets to watch TV but he thinks its magic.  He doesn’t believe Ma’s stories about life outside of the place he calls “room.”

There are a lot of themes.  Mother’s love triumphs over all, life is short so when shitty tragedies derail our plans it totally sucks, as bad as you think you have it, there’s someone else who has it worse so appreciate what you have.

Oh and then it obviously sheds light on the plight of people who have been kidnapped and held hostage.  A shitty situation to be in for sure.  Viewers might watch it and instantly be reminded of the terrible Cleveland kidnapping case in which a man held three women hostage for years.  It is actually based on a novel by the same name written by Emma Donoghue.

Not sure what else to say.  Brie Larson earned her best actress win in this one for convincing me as a viewer that it really sucked to live in that room.  It’s not a feel good flick by any means and you’ll end up feeling depressed.  Here’s where someone will tell me that I shouldn’t feel depressed about it, that it is a story about how a person stuck in a hopeless situation found hope or whatever but yeah, it made me sad.

Maybe I’m just a glass half empty kind of guy.  I’m not knocking it of course.  It is an emotional premise and it punches you in the gut.

I guess I just prefer movies with CGI and crude humor because I prefer my gut to remain unscathed.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Tonight’s Walking Dead

Holy Crap 3.5 Readers.

SPOILERS!  SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

Did Carol have like a gatling gun shoved up her sleeve to take all those dudes or what?

And what do you think happened to Daryl?

DISCUSS!

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How the West Was Zombed – BQB’s Mockups of Chapters 64 and 65

Hey 3.5 Readers.

BQB here.  As you all know, I’m a perfectionist.  I need everything to be one-hundred percent genuine.

If you read Chapter 64 and Chapter 65 of my Zombie Western novel, you know that Becker, a damn werewolf, charged at Miss Bonnie.

In turn, Miss Bonnie shot Becker in the head with a silver tipped bullet.

Slade opened the front door to the church, pulled Miss Bonnie out of the way in the nick of time, but alas, Blake was not so lucky.

In the last few moments of his life, Becker kept running, only to fall and crush Blake under his massive werewolf weight.

But that’s ok because Blake was a douche.

There was a lot of science involved in this scene.  Newton’s laws of gravity and such.  I needed to sketch it out to see if it all worked on paper and low and behold, it all added up.

Check it out:

ILLUSTRATION #1

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Nope I didn’t have a kid draw this.  This was all me.  OK, so here we see a stupid werewolf who is running.  Miss Bonnie has a gun (I felt the need to make a note of that because some have suggested, if you can believe it, that my artistic skills are lacking).

Everybody’s a critic.

Meanwhile, as you can see to the right, Blake and Gunther are arguing with each other, not paying attention to their surroundings.

ILLUSTRATION #2

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Here, we catch our first real life glimpse of the macho stud muffin that is Marshal Slade. As you can see above, he grabs Miss Bonnie and pushes her out of the stupid werewolf’s path just in time.

ILLUSTRATION #3

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And finally, we see the untimely demise of the group’s agitator, Martin Blake.  He was too busy getting the last word in during his argument with Gunther to pay attention to the oncoming werewolf and alas, ended up being crushed underneath the hairy remains.

You can see Blake’s head sticking out.  The rest of Blake’s body is crushed underneath the stupid werewolf.

Doc, a believer in the curative properties of cocaine (because it was 1880) offers Blake a sip of his Miracle Cure-All but it is of no use.

OBSERVATIONS

  • Clearly, this all checks out and none of it is far fetched at all.  If anything, this all seems so plausible I now live in fear that I might get crushed underneath a stupid werewolf.
  • Miss Bonnie looks way too happy during all of this.
  • Damn Slade is sexy.  No wonder he has chicks fighting over him and shit.
  • Doc is truly a dedicated medical professional.

MOST IMPORTANTLY…

Money is tight around BQB Headquarters but luckily, this exercise has made me realize that I am a gifted artist.  I can save a bundle on what I was going to shell out on a cover illustrator and just design the book cover on my own.

Thank you for reading How the West Was Zombed, 3.5 readers.  If there are any other chapters you’d like me to illustrate, let me know and I’ll put pen to paper.

Shit, I’m so good at this I might turn this entire thing into a graphic novel.

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Happy Easter 3.5 Readers

You are appreciated.  Go forth.  Celebrate and eat chocolate bunnies.

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Batman vs. Superman vs. My Bookshelf

Holy Crap 3.5 Readers.

I walk away from my magic bookshelf for 3.5 seconds and this happens:

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Enough you two!  Settle your differences and get down to the important business of punching Lex Luthor in the face.

Is there a battle on your bookshelf?  Tweet the photographic evidence to @bookshelfbattle #bookshelfbattle and I might just share it with my 3.5 readers.

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Have You Liked BQB on Facebook Yet?

Hey 3.5 Blog Readers.

Do you want to be one of 3.5 Facebook Readers?

3.5 READERS: YES WE DO!

Of course you do.  Like me on Facebook!

Look, I’m not one of those Good Time Charlie Hustle types that’s going to sling a fast sell at you.  I can’t promise you that following me on Facebook will make you handsome, or beautiful, or rich, or famous, or get you a record contract, or a bag of diamonds, or your own personal island, or a date with a supermodel or an art collection full of Van Gogh paintings.

When it comes down to it, I can’t even promise you that following me on Facebook will get you an extra chicken nugget at McDonald’s, or a better pair of sneakers and if you have a lousy personality, following me probably won’t improve it or make you interesting at parties or anything.

But…you’ll get a dose of BQB in your Facebook Feed to brighten up your day.  What could be better than that?

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Where Are My 3.5 Readers From? – 2016 Edition

Oceania-Globe

Views By Country in 2016 As of Right Now:

#1 – United States  – 4,511 -‘Murica!  (Most views are from Aunt Gertie)

#2 – United Kingdom – 253 – Not a bad turn out but you Brits could do more.  Drop the scones.  Hide the crumpets.  Log on to this fine blog, guvnah.

#3 – Canada – 203 – Come on Canucks.  Stare at hockey and moose butts less and my blog more.

#4 – Australia – 151 – I appreciate you Aussies taking the time to check this site out…especially because…ahh!  There’s a dingo eating your baby!  (Made you look.)

U.S., U.K., Canada, Australia – I suppose like any English speaking author these are my top four.

But let’s not leave out:

#5 – India – 60 – I need to break out into spontaneous song and dance numbers to get their attention.

#6 – France – 59 – Sacre bleu!  Ooo la la!  That’s all I know.

#7 – Germany – 50 – This blog needs more disco and leather pants.

#8 – Brazil – 42 – I’m not sure if it is a tribe along the banks of the Amazon or somewhere in the favelas of Rio, but somewhere down there, a tiny pocket of Brazilians are all about BQB.  DANZA KUDORO!  OH OH OH OH!  I don’t know.  I just like that song because it was it was in Fast Five.  I saw that movie by the way and I believe it qualifies me as an expert on Brazil.

#9 – The Philippines – 39 – Is that lady that bought a zillion shoes still in charge there?

#10 – Spain – 29 – Hola amigos.  Yo so Bookshelf Que Battler.  Leer mi blogador mas por favor.  Gracias.

By the way, I have admonished the New Zealanders before and I need to do so again.  You guys are #11 with 26 views this year.  You speak English yet you’re being beaten by the Indians, French, Germans, Brazilians, Philippinos, and the Spanish.

They aren’t shooting the Hobbit movies there any more.  What could possibly be going on in New Zealand that is so interesting that it is keeping you from becoming one of my 3.5 readers?

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Top Ten Signs You Are One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers

And now from BQB HQ in East Randomtown…the Top Ten Signs You Are One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers

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10. You continue to keep the faith that one day BQB will actually review a book.

9.  You even keep the faith that one day BQB will finish writing a book he has started.

8.  You wish you could have Scandal nights with Alien Jones and the Yeti.

7.  Uncle Hardass is starting to sound more and more reasonable.

6.  You check BQB’s movie reviews before you decide to see a movie.

5.  You’ve done the math to determine whether or not it is statistically possible to have .5th of a reader.

4.  You look at toaster pastries and toilets differently…especially on stormy nights.

3.  It concerns you that BQB doesn’t write more in order to appease the Mighty Potentate.

2.  A two-player game of Car Thief Mayhem with Video Game Rack Fighter sounds like a fun evening as long as you don’t try to beat her high score

And the number 1 reason why you might be one of BQB’s 3.5 readers…

  1.  Someone has to be…so why not you?
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Movie Review: Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

Batman vs. Superman.

The winner?  My eyeballs.

BQB here with a review of Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

SUPER SPOILERS AHEAD.

Have you seen this yet, 3.5 readers?

I want to avoid spoiling too much but this movie has brought to my mind a number ideas about comic movies, Marvel vs. DC, the direction DC is taking, etc.  So I’ll probably come back in a week or two (once people have had a chance to see it) and get all spoilery.

For now, let me say this: I don’t think the critics and I saw the same movie.

The critics are up this movie’s butt.  It’s too long.  It’s got too much going on.  It’s too confusing.

I’ll agree there is a lot going on and at times it was confusing…but come on, a lot of movies are.  Half the time I go to movies and I’m like “I…uh…wait what just happened?  I don’t know.  Me shove popcorn into face now and enjoy pretty colors.”

The most efficient thing to do is to respond to the criticisms one by one:

THE PLOT ISN’T THAT HARD TO BELIEVE

We’re humans.  We’re suspicious bastards who screw things up early and often due to our paranoia.  It isn’t that far fetched to think that if someone like Superman showed up to save us, that we’d immediately suspect he was up to some shit and ruin everything by looking the ultimate gift horse in the mouth.

BEN AFFLECK AS BATMAN

He was a worthy Batman.  He’s an older, world weary, tired of the bullshit Batman in this one.  Affleck allowed himself to be shown with a little touch of gray.  That’s commitment for any pretty boy actor.

JESSE EISENBERG SUCKS

Jesse Eisenberg did not suck.  He played the part he was hired to play and he did it well. His character was just incredibly annoying, so much so that you wonder why Batman or Superman don’t just bitch slap him into next Tuesday and be done with it.

Sadly, Hollywood has never been able to provide us with a good Lex Luthor.  The comics do.  In the comics, he’s big, strong, menacing his power comes from his cunning and cruelty.

Here, they basically just had Eisenberg take a spritz of the Mark Zuckerberg role that made him famous and then kick it up a notch.  At times his voice is screechy and almost Joker-like, which is a bad idea, as this world already has a Joker.

IT IS TOO DARK

DC Comics are dark.  Because…Batman, damn it.  To paraphrase Ben Affleck from that other movie he was in (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back), Batman is one “morose motherf&*ker.”

Clearly, DC has seen the success that Marvel has had with The Avengers.  There is an obvious market for movies in which beloved superheroes work together.  Thus, DC is working its way toward making Justice League movies.

But this path has always been an uphill climb for DC.  DC has been making comic book movies for a lot longer.  The public knows their characters better.  Marvel, on the other hand, had the opportunity to introduce each individual member of the Avengers to the public with their own movies, building up to the Avengers movie.

But we don’t really need another Batman origin movie.  We get it.  He saw his parents get shot in front of him and became a vigilante.  (Hollywood finally gets that here…well, sort of…some suit still decided there needed to be a quick Wayne family massacre scene just in case there happened to be one jackass in the movie theater who didn’t understand why Batman became Batman.)

WONDER WOMAN WAS CROWBARRED IN

She really wasn’t.  I found her to be a good addition to the movie and am looking forward to her movie.

TOO MANY TEASERS FOR UPCOMING DC MOVIES

What should they do instead?  Make everyone wait until after the credits for a thirty second scene in which Nick Fury recruits someone new?

Although in keeping with my, “DC has the harder path than Marvel” argument…they’ve got a very big challenge in getting people to give a shit about Aqua Man.

“Hi we’re the Justice League.  We’ve got an all powerful god man, a Bat ninja, a warrior princess and oh yeah….this shit head who can control fish.”

Holy Shit you suck, Aqua Man.  If Jason Mamoa can make Aqua Man watchable he deserves an Oscar.

BATMAN AS PART OF A TEAM

He’s a loner, that’s for sure.  And he’s always been out of place in the Justice League world.

We love Batman because out of all the superheroes, he is the most plausible.  True, a mega rich buff dude who fights a crazy clown isn’t very realistic…but if you let your mind wander…it is easier to pretend to be Batman, whereas it is not as easy to pretend to be Superman, because being Superman is just totally impossible.  If you’re not from Krypton, then you should just stop pretending to be Superman.  You’ll never be Superman.

You’ll never be Batman either…but at least there’s a .00000001% chance that you could become Batman.

The Justice League fights aliens and monsters and other supernatural stuff.  Batman’s forte as a  “realistic” hero is fighting gangsters, mobsters, and psychopaths.  That’s why we loved Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies, right?  Nolan did his best to provide a Batman that was plausible (again, as plausible as a story about a Bat vigilante can get.

But the comics have always addressed that by having Batman being suspicious of his super powered friends.  He works with them, but he usually makes back up plans in case they get out of line.

You have to compartmentalize.  There’s on his own Batman who uses his training, skills, and money to fight crime…and then there’s Justice League Batman who helps other heroes fight aliens and shit.

BATMAN SHOOTS GUNS

Yes.  That was unfortunate.  Batman isn’t a shooter.  Although it has always been acceptable for him to blow the shit out of people with rockets and guns attached to the Batmobile, Batman has never packed a piece.  Technically he doesn’t in this one either….but well, then at one point he does but…ahh just watch the movie.

THE PLOT TURNS TOO MUCH ON UH…TWO PEOPLE KNOWING THE SAME NAME

Shut up, stupid critics.  That part was touching as shit.

FINAL THOUGHTS

It wasn’t perfect.  But I did enjoy it.  And I think it is the start of a promising line of Justice League movies.  I can’t wait for Suicide Squad.

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What is an Unknown Search Term?

On my stats, it will show me where people searched for certain terms and ended up getting to my blog.  It will show me the words/phrases that got eyes over here so I can keep that in mind when writing future posts.

Oh, that reminds me:

NUDE PHOTOS OF KIM KARDASHIAN!  NUDE PHOTOS OF KIM KARDASHIAN!

Sorry about that.  Anyway…so then they also will give you “Unknown search terms” and then just a number.

What does that mean?  What is an unknown search term?  If the mighty wordpress magicians somehow know that certain words/phrases brought people here (i.e. known search terms) how is it possible that they don’t know the other terms that bring people here?

Feed my brain and educate me, tech nerds.

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