Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Mar 18 2016
3 Comments
Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – #218 in Horror Fiction on Wattpad

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

How the West Was Zombed is currently ranked #218 in Horror Fiction on Wattpad.

Check it:

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That’s the highest one of my stories has ever ranked before.

If you’re a Wattpadder, I’d appreciate it if you’d give it a read, a vote, a comment…any little bit you can do can help it climb the charts.

The more eyes, the more feedback, the more feedback motivates me to keep going.

I hate to admit it, but I have a hard time sometimes.

I want to start my own self-publishing business so badly, but I feel life has it out for me.  Things constantly go wrong.  Ridiculous nonsense constantly gets in my way.  There’s always something that’s immediately pressing.

I get to write when I “steal my time back.”  I get up a little earlier.  I stay up a little later.  I stop watching TV.  I stop doing fun things.

That’s all admirable but it does take a toll.  Sometimes you do need to unwind.  Sometimes you do need to be unproductive, even if it is for twenty minutes.

Like this site’s name, it just seems like it is a constant battle.  Sometimes I get frustrated.  Whenever I think I have a nice free night of writing ahead of me and some nonsense gets in the way, I feel like banging my head against the wall.

Sometimes I think about giving up.  If the gods, or karma, or the powers that be or whatever wanted me to write, they would stop allowing so many time sucking curveballs to be sent my way.

Your comments help.  Even if your comment is “this sucks” it helps me because, hey, last year I didn’t even have half of a rough draft written for someone to tell me it sucks so…improvement!

You keep reading and commenting, I’ll keep finding ways to squeeze writing in.

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  You are by far the best 3.5 readers a magical bookshelf caretaker/alien friend/zombie fighter/town mayor could ask for

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Mar 18 2016
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You Can't Argue with Science

You Can’t Argue with Science – Should BQB Forgive Dr. Hugo Von Science?

By:  Dr. Hugo Von Science, Illustrious Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University

NOTE:  Last October, Dr. Hugo Von Science, BQB’s former mentor, esteemed professor and Bookshelf Battle columnist, startled the world when he caused a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown.

As you 3.5 readers may recall, this led to a month long  romp in which BQB had to interview a different author of zombie fiction every day for thirty one days.

Here now is Dr. Hugo’s apology:

 

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Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here after a long hiatus mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science!”

You really can’t, can you, mein leibchen?  Have you ever tried to carry on a heated debate with a spore mold sample?  Nothing happens whatsoever.  It’s infuriating how spore mold samples give you the cold shoulder.  Bunch of dummpkoffs if you ask me.

Perhaps you remember me from of mein fine inventions:

  • The Kanye-fizer – Don’t have the courage to stand up and declare yourself the greatest?  One zap from mein Kanye-fizer and you vill be snatching awards from your coworkers in no time.
  • The Swift-i-fier – Tired of being das boring wallflower?  One zap and everyone vill be thinking about you 24/7 though when asked to vocalize a reason as to why no one vill be able to come up with a reason.  I’m a scientist, not a miracle worker.
  • The Minajanator – Baffle your friends by keeping them on their toes.  One second you’re kind und sweet, the next you’re screaming bloody murder.  Fun at parties!

And finally, who could forget…

  • Das Discofier – All world leaders must bow down before me or the masses vill be grabbing their crotches and pointing rapidly into the air until the end of time!  Muah ha…muah ha ha….MUAH HA HA!  Woopsie.  That one isn’t quite perfected yet.  Forget you heard about that one.

Good to see you again, Herr. 3.5 readers.  As you can imagine, Bookshelf Q. Battler and I have been on the outs ever since the little kerfuffle in East Randomtown last October.

Gadzooks, “accidentally” cause one little zombie outbreak and all of a sudden you’re persona non grata.

I don’t know what BQB’s problem is.  Das people of the world have forgiven me.  POTUS has pardoned me.  The Advanced Science Institute of Science University welcomed me back.  Even Hollywood admitted that all of those reality stars I zombified were easily replaceable.  Buses full of jerk faces willing to debase themselves on camera arrive in Tinsel Town every hour on the hour.

As for East Randomtown…vell, yes it now looks like it was torn apart by zombies but in my defense, that town was so full of losers that it looked like it was torn apart by zombies even before it was torn apart by zombies.  If anything, the zombie attack was an improvement.

Did I mean to cause a zombie attack?  No.  Not at all.  Sometimes in science, inventions fail.  Sometimes contraptions do not work out as planned.  Sometimes you accidentally end up causing a zombie outbreak that causes thousands of people to die terrible deaths at the hands of brain devouring undead abominations.

Everyone has forgiven me but you, BQB.  I hope you can find it in your heart to do so someday.  This idea you’ve concocted in your head that I’m an evil mad scientist trying to take over the world is ridiculous.  I have always been and continue to be the world’s most beloved science ambassador, the one and only Dr. Hugo Von Science.

WHAT SAY YOU, 3.5 READERS?  SHOULD BQB FORGIVE DR. HUGO?

JA – Shit happens.  Anyone could have just as easily caused a zombie apocalypse and just look at that guy.  He’s so kooky and lovable.  If anything, BQB should thank him because it led to him interviewing #31ZombieAuthors.

NEIN – He caused a damn zombie apocalypse on purpose!  I don’t care how awesome he is, he is clearly a mad scientist who is attempting to take over the world in his spare time.  This whole “I’m a nice man who teaches people about science” stuff is just a rouse.

DISCUSS IN THE COMMENTS!

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Mar 17 2016
12 Comments
Tomfoolery

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

 

Happy St. Patrick’s Day 3.5 readers.

What is your favorite Irish book/movie/or other Irish person or thing?

 

 

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Mar 16 2016
6 Comments
Writing

Killer Dummy Novel

So, I take it the general consensus is the idea for a killer dummy didn’t really wow anyone?

Ehh…I’m still working on How the West Was Zombed.  I’ve been pretty bogged down though lately but hopefully have new chapter soon.

I’m not going to fall into that trap of starting  new novel halfway through another novel anymore.  That’s like leaving your wife for a supermodel.  Sure, she turns heads and looks great at parties, but once you skim the surface she’s kind of dumb and won’t make you a sandwich.

Not that your wife did either but she at least cared enough to suggest you go to McDonalds or something if you looked hungry.

I think the Killer Dummy novel will quite possibly be my next novel though.  I know what I posted was kind of primitive but after thinking about it, I think I will switch to first person and it will  basically read as a confession/tell-all book from “Kit” himself, after having been caught, explaining to a shocked public how this beloved comedian/actor was in secret an evil serial killer who talked to his dummy.

I’m debating just how evil “Mr. Kaboodle” will be.  Part of me thinks he will egg Kit on.  Then another idea is that he tries to talk Kit out of his evil ways but, being a loyal pal, serves as consigliere, advising Kit how to cover up his crimes once he’s done them.

On a larger scale, it will give me the chance to lampoon Hollywood, how movies are made, and the whole idea of celebrity worship.

But fear not.  Zombed is still underway.  One thing I’ve had to learn is to not rush things.  None of this is going to happen overnight.  I want quality but I also want to not kill myself either so if it takes longer, then it takes longer.

If that means just one book a year then so be it I guess.

Also, it is weird I’m gravitating towards horror with my ideas lately.  It is hard for me as I don’t really like the idea of anyone dying.

Well ok, no one does, but when a writer bumps off a character it is like that writer is actually doing the bumping off.  I don’t want to bump off my fictional characters.

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Mar 16 2016
5 Comments
Movies

Sausage Party -NSFW Trailer

Hey 3.5 readers.

Have you seen the trailer for Sausage Party yet?

So here’s the setup.  Seth Rogen and James Franco (the comedy duo behind Pineapple Express and also that movie that almost led to a war with North Korea) have made a cartoon.

For the first thirty seconds of the trailer, you almost think it is another Pixar style cartoon.  What’s every Pixar movie about?  Talking toys.  Talking cars.  Talking bugs.  Talking planes.  Talking fish.  Always about something that doesn’t talk only now it is talking.

This one is about food.  Yes.  All this time you never knew that food products can talk.  They sit on the store shelves, waiting for you to pick them up with the hope that you’re going to do something great with them and….

…yup…the food products engage in all kinds of obscenity once they learn what people actually do with food.

Here’s the Sony Red Band Trailer.  If you don’t want to be offended you probably shouldn’t watch:

I’ve been hearing these guys talk about this project on different talk shows for awhile now.

It sounds like a funny concept to me but I’m a male with a warped sense of humor so I’m basically their target demographic.

I give them credit for actually getting the studio to put up the money needed for Pixar quality rendering…or for getting a studio for doing something completely outside of the box for that matter.

PREDICTIONS:

  1.  People will be divided on whether it is hysterical or garbage.  There will be very little in between.
  2. There will be adults who would have thought it was funny but won’t go because they’ll think it is a kids’ movie based on a quick look at the poster.
  3. Also based only on a quick look at the poster, there will be many clueless parents who will be like, “Hey this looks like a good movie to take the kids to!” only to be horrified.

Anyway, I will have to check this out and write a review for my 3.5 readers when it comes out.

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Mar 15 2016
4 Comments
Tomfoolery

Happy Belated Pi Day

I’m a day late but what the hell.

What is your favorite kind of pie, 3.5 readers?  (Hey, 3.5 is pretty close to 3.14.)

Maybe I should call you “pi readers.”

That could become my new thing.  “Hi.  I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler and I run a blog dedicated to entertaining pi readers.”

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Mar 14 2016
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Uncategorized

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 30

A lot of stuff going on here.

This whole part of the story is called “History Repeats Itself” because it does.

Joe is basically in the same predicament he was with the slave master. Except now he’s being held captive by Blythe, his vampire master. I purposely tried to make a lot of similarities between the two chapters.

Lorant, the slave master, tells the slaves “how good they have it.” Blythe does the same here. Both masters take his wife to use as leverage against him.

You learn about the “hierarchy of evil.” Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies in that order.

Vampires have brains but no souls so they’re on the top. They can hatch evil plots and carry them out because their lack of a soul means no weakness or remorse.

Werewolves are in the middle. They have brains so they can carry out the vampires’ bidding, but they have souls, so they can sometimes be reasoned with or talked into doing the right thing.

Zombies have no brains or souls…they’re just super dumb.

They walk around aimlessly doing what zombies do, though the vampire whose blood they drank can control them.

Purists will say these aren’t zombies but ghouls but whatever. Same thing.

One lesson here is writing can sometimes limit what you want to do. He’s in some kind of evil dungeon. Normally, you’d pick up your dead wife and carry her away, give her a decent burial.

But he’s got Miles with him…and after thinking about it, it just seemed unlikely he’d want him to see that so…he just leaves her there.

Sometimes you get boxed in and you have to go with the flow.

bookshelfbattle's avatarBookshelf Battle

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1870

History has an uncanny way in which it repeats itself. Eleven years had passed since Joe discovered the monster that dwelled within him. For a time, he found money. Happiness. Success. A wife. A son. A home.

Alas, when he found himself in the middle of a dank, dark dungeon, his hands and feet bound to a stone table by silver chains, he began to realize that compared to his new master, Lorante had been a teetotaler.

An iron door opened and two werewolves lumbered in, their heads just barely scraping the ceiling. Blythe stepped into the room as merry as could be, as if he were off to a stroll in a park and not a torture session.

Joe struggled but the silver burned his skin. The more he moved, the worse it got.

Blythe looked down and wagged a finger in his captive’s face. “Bad dog. Bad, bad…

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Mar 14 2016
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Uncategorized

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 29

This chapter marked the point of no return, pushing the story deeper into violence, uncomfortableness, swearing etc.

The slave master uses the N-word. I worry about that. People are understandably very sensitive about stuff like that these days.

But Joe does turn into a damn werewolf and tears the master in half so…Tarantino style revenge fantasy, right?

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Louisiana, 1859

THWAP!

The whip cracking across Joe’s back might as well have been a knife. It cut just as deep and with as much precision. There wasn’t much he could do about it. His hands were bound tight and tied to a hook above his head. His body had already told him to fall down, but his captors wouldn’t allow it.

THWAP!

The man wielding the whip was Edmund Lorante, Overseer of the Marchand Plantation. That was more or less a fancy title that meant he kept an eye on slaves and made sure they didn’t get out of line. He relished “educational opportunities” and had called in over a hundred of Monsieur Marchand’s pieces of property from the field to watch. A few of his white subordinates stood by, shotguns at the ready.

THWAP!

“What did you do with it, n****r?” Lorante asked. He tossed out the word so nonchalantly…

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Mar 14 2016
10 Comments
TV

Tonight’s Walking Dead

Hey 3.5 Readers.

SPOILERS!!!!!!

What an episode.  Very woman-centric.  Lots of chicks young and old fighting, scheming and being evil and shit.

I like Alicia Witt.  She was Paula last episode and this one.  She was on a season of Justified.  She just seems very smart and fun and like her last name, witty.

Carol, as usual, is adept at tricking everyone into thinking she’s just a harmless old lady and then she straight up takes everyone down like a gangsta.

There was a suggestion this group might have been good.  What do you think?  Could there have been info that Rick’s group didn’t know?

Maggie was a badass.  Anyone know what accent the lady who plays her has?

 

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Mar 13 2016
11 Comments
Technology

Slate Article – Parents Punishing Kids by Shaming them on Social Media

Yeesh.  Since we’re all techno nerds around here, I, from time to time post articles about technology and I came across this one by Amanda Hess of Slate.

Hess starts with the case of Izabel Laxamana, a girl who sent a selfie to a boy from school.  Her father’s punishment was to cut off Izabel’s hair and took a video asking her if it was worth it.

According to the article, the video made the rounds on social media, the school got involved. Izabel later jumped off a bridge.  (It isn’t totally clear this made her do that but it couldn’t have helped either)

Yikes.  And I thought Uncle Hardass was tough.

Hess goes on to talk about public shaming being an ancient thing.  Schools no longer make kids wear “dunce caps” and teachers don’t beat kids with “the rod” anymore.

For a long time, parents would dole out whatever punishment they deemed necessary, but they’d do it within the confines of their home.

Now, as Hess explains, there seems to be a new trend for parents to punish their kids via online humiliation, taking an embarrassing video – maybe making the kid confess or in one case Hess discusses, a father made his son dance around in skinny jeans and posted a video online (apparently Dad wasn’t a fan of the skinny jeans).

Sigh.  It seems no matter what the technology is, there will always be people who abuse it.

I’m not saying let kids get away with everything but holy crap, whatever happened to a good lecture and some grounding?

Things put on the Internet last forever…FOREVER.  Sure, maybe you’re a dumb parent and you think you’re helping your kid by shaming them out of bad behavior by posting an online video.

But keep in mind that video follows the kid everywhere.  His/Her friends will eventually see it.  Shit, ten years later a potential employer might find it through a Google search, decide not to hire your adult kid and he/she is now stuck living on your couch forever.

Maybe the millennials have it worse than we thought.  Every day their dumb parents are posting pictures and videos of them online that will definitely keep many of them out of a presidential bid.

Shit.  Right now there could be a kid who could have grown up to become the president that solves all our problems and unites us all but it’ll never happen because I don’t know, his dumb parents posted a picture of him picking his nose or whatever.

Anyway.  It’s just some food for thought.  Social media can be a great tool, giving voice to people who otherwise would have remained voiceless.

The downside is…there are a lot of people using it to do dumb things.

Parents…as mad as your kids will make you, and they surely will from time to time, “social media shaming” (holy crap there’s a term for it) is not the way to go.

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