Fine. Forget 3,500 followers. If I can get 2,500 WordPress followers, I will hire the chainsaw juggler to do a celebratory video. That’s only 400 followers, people. Tell your homies.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Category Archives: Tomfoolery
Does this blog suck?
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here, channeling my inner Vinny Baggadouchio and asking if my blog sucks. Does it suck?
If it does suck, what are some ways in which I can make it not suck?
If it does not suck, why do you think it does not suck?
Personally, I feel it needs more organization because my posts get buried in the blogroll whereas there might be some gems from the past that people might like to check out.
Also, in retrospect, I’m not sure that “Bookshelf Q. Battler” was the catchiest of pen names to choose, but after investing three years into it, I’m not sure it is wise to start over from scratch with something else.
Also, this blog is supposed to be, in part, a chronicle of my BQB adventures yet I feel like I never have the time to tell you all about the amazing nerd adventures I have been on. Would you read them if I did? People don’t seem to read stories on blogs, I have been noticing. So in that regard, perhaps this idea for a blog was dumb but again after three years, I feel like I just can’t cut bait and run. Who knows if another blog idea would do any better?
Thoughts? Thank you 3.5. Also, why haven’t you 3.5 readers become 3,500.5 readers yet? What are you waiting for? What can I do to make this happen?
50 Best Pickup Lines
Hey 3.5 readers. Did you know that I am an expert pickup line writer? I can’t use them myself, unless I use them all on Video Game Rack Fighter, but here are some pickup lines that, well, I can’t tell you if they will work or not.
If you are feeling adventurous, feel free to use them, though my lawyer advises the Bookshelf Battle Blog will take no responsibility for any injuries, physical, mental or otherwise, that you sustain due to using them:
#1 – Hey baby. I have a 401K. Bask in my financial responsibility.
#2 – I’m a time traveler sent here from the future to get all up in dat phat ass.
#3 – Wanna play hide the pickle? No, really, I’m talking about a cucumber that was soaked in brine for an extended time period.
#4 – There’s a hamster in my pocket. Want to pet it?
#5 – Are you from Heaven? Because I need an angel to save me. No seriously, I’m a depressed meth addict without a job or a place to stay and I really need you to save me baby.
#6 – Can I buy you a drink and/or possibly multiple drinks? How much alcohol do you need to ingest in order for me to appear remotely attractive?
#7 – I made a sex tape once. Critics called it “the best comedy of the year.”
#8 – I fart. You fart. Let’s fart together.
#9 – Damn baby are you a whale because that is one back I’d like to hump.
#10 – Baby, what’s your sign? Mine’s vagitarious.
#11 – Care for some cunnilingus? I’ve got my own miner’s helmet with the flashlight built in. Perfect for spelunking.
#12 – Your face makes me believe anything is possible. Do you think us rubbing our nasty bits together would be possible?
#13 – Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you three trillion more times?
#14 – My mom’s with her bridge club so I have the apartment all to myself tonight.
#15 – There’s a party in my pants and you’re the guest of honor. Get in there and get your cake, girl.
#16 – Arr! I be a pirate and I claim yon booty for me, arr!
#17 – Let me just put it in for a minute thirty. Pretend I’m a hot pocket and you’re a microwave.
#18 – I do laundry. I will wash that outfit and press it after you leave it all over my floor tonight, girl.
#19 – Let’s get married right now and figure out if we like each other tomorrow
#20 – I just went to Taco Bell and I’ve got about a half hour until my butt explodes. Let’s do this thing, baby.
#21 – I promise I have no STDs. Literally no woman has ever touched my penis, so it is completely safe.
#22 – I always light a scented candle after I let one rip.
#23 – Why haven’t you made my dinner yet?
#24 – Baby take a ride in my Toyota Corolla.
#25 – I would like to take you for a drive in my weird looking 1970s era, non-descript white van.
#26 – All my ex-girlfriends told me that it was them and not me. I felt that was really big of them to be able to admit their personal failings.
#27 – What’s your sign? “Open for Business” hopefully.
#28 – Am I really that ugly or am I just abstract?
#29 – So, do you live around here? No, seriously, can you draw me a map to your house and write down what times you are sleeping?
#30 – I do magic!
#31 – Have you met my ventriloquist dummy?
#32 – I think there’s a coin behind your ear…
#33 – Pull my finger.
#34 – Do you twerk? Because I know a class that can teach you…
#35 – I look fabulous when I’m covered in cheese whiz.
#36 – Hey look! Two boobs, no waiting!
#37 – Do you want to see my impression of a motor boat?
#38 – Would you care to see my lair?
#39 – Free mustache rides!
#40 – Free discount gynecology exams!
#41 – Hello. I’m Donald Hump. Want to make my penis great again?
#42 – I’d love to take you on a romantic vacation but my parole officer says I’m not allowed to leave the state.
#43 – They broke the mold when they made you, but I’d love to fix that mold and make another you, you know, one that I could just feel up and not have to listen to her babble or put up with her bullshit or anything.
#44 – You. Me. A hot tub and a vat of orange marmalade. No, you can’t know what the orange marmalade is for. I don’t even know what it is for. I’m just improvising as I go along, baby.
#45 – Pardon me, ma’am but are those yours or did you steel with two of LeBron James’ game balls?
#46 – Eh, come on. If it isn’t me it’s just going to be some other asshole.
#47 – Do you like my beard? I drew it with a magic marker.
#48 – I have money. Lots of money. Just take my word for it. No, you can’t look at my bank records. Where’s the trust?
#49 – Of all the babes in this bar, you are the hottest one that I just happen to be sitting next to.
#50 – I just took a breath mint so I’m good to go.
I Hate Stock Related Journalism (Or More Fun with Snapchat Stock)
Hey 3.5 readers.
So, I bought Snapchat stock a couple weeks ago.
And all the headlines in the stock related media were essentially, “YOU ARE A DUMBASS IF YOU BOUGHT SNAPCHAT! SELL RIGHT AWAY!”
But I held in there. And held…and held…and held…and it slipped…and I held. Finally, it slipped more and I figured this was a dumb idea. I sold it at a loss of $200.
Then a couple of days later it started to go back up. And the stock media was like, “SNAPCHAT IS GREAT! WHY’D YOU SELL IT, DUMBASS?”
I swear, buying a stock is more or less like placing a bet in a casino and stock journalists yell, “Put it on red! People who put it on black are morons!”
But then if it lands on black, they’re like, “We knew it was going to land on black all along, dummy!”
So…who knows? I guess in a year if SNAP bottoms out I’ll be glad I sold. Then again, if you goes through the roof I’ll be banging my head against the wall.
All I know is that stock journalist are like those two crusty old bastards who sit in the back of the Muppet Theater and heckle Kermit over everything. They’re going to heckle you no matter what you do, so just do what you think is best.
I Have Fought Many Gremlins
You know, 3.5 readers. I have fought many monsters in my day. At some point, I shall have to delve deeper into this subject, for it isn’t often that a monster fighter of my expertise and acumen is willing to talk to the public, even if his public consists of a paltry sum of 3.5 readers.
At any rate, yes, I speak mostly about my archenemy, The Yeti, and also zombies as these foes have given me the most trouble as of late, but in truth, I have fought many gremlins.
Let me tell you. These guys are total butt monkeys. They’re much smaller than as portrayed in the infamous 1980s movie. Also, they’re very profane. They swear like sailors, consume copious amount of alcohol and I’m pretty sure I caught one of them snorting a line of coke once.
I’m not entirely sure but I stepped out of the bathroom one night to find this little schmuck on top of my coffee table, white powder all over the table, a rolled up dollar bill pointed between the substance and his nose. The dollar bill was taller than he was.
They’re nasty little twerps, let me tell you. They have sharp teeth so you don’t want to get your fingers anywhere near them. The good news is that you can easily suck them up in your dust buster. In fact, if you want to be humane and do a catch and release, you can suck them up in your dust buster, then drive to a wooded area and empty your dust buster’s dust bin.
Personally, I don’t have time for that shit so I just drop them in the toilet and flush. Don’t worry. They can breathe underwater…I think. Actually, now that I think of it, I might have made that up. Oh well. The important part is that I am not inconvenienced.
Hey 3.5 Readers…
…just saying hello. I don’t have much in the way of excitement to share today. What are all 3.5 of you up to?
I Have Fought Many Chupacabras
Hey 3.5 readers.
You know, I’ve fought plenty of monsters in my day. Zombies. Werewolves. Yetis and so on. I feel like I have been remiss in bragging about the chupacabras that I have fought.
Have you ever seen one? They’re creepy little suckers with giant pointy teeth that they use to suck the skin off of a goat. I’m totally serious. Like, if you’re a goat herder, and you come out one morning and find nothing but a bunch of goat skeletons on your farm, then you’ve been hit by a chupacabra.
They’re pretty easy to defeat if you know how to use nunchucks as well as I do, but they aren’t pleasant to look at, at all.
3.5 READERS: BQB, should we be concerned about chupacabra attacks?
Not unless you are a goat or if you know a goat you love enough to get in the chupacabra’s way. Chupacabras love goat meat and they’ll suck the flesh off of anyone that comes between them and a goat.
So to recap, a) don’t own a goat b) if you do own a goat but don’t love your goat, then let an attacking chupacabra eat it or c) if you do own a goat and you love the goat, then become skilled with nunchucks.
Chupacabras hate nunchuks.
Thank you for listening to this monster related advice, 3.5 readers.
Also…
On this, my momentous three year anniversary, I feel it important to remind you that if I can get 3,500 WordPress followers for this fantastic blog, then I will celebrate by hiring a dude on Fiverr that will juggle a chainsaw with your website name on the blade.
What you people are waiting for, I have no idea.
Third Year Anniversary for Bookshelf Battle
Hey 3.5 readers.
Bookshelf Q. Battler here.
Yup. Three years ago this month, while I was stuffing a burrito into my face hole in a Taco Bell parking lot, the idea to create this amazing blog was born.
In its first year, there was an attempt to be semi-serious and focus on literary discussions.
In year two, it went off the wall with revelations about my magic bookshelf, my hatred of yetis, my best friend Alien Jones, my better half Video Game Rack Fighter, and all the other assorted weirdoes that traipse through BQB HQ on a regular basis.
In year three, I focused on novel production. I did get a rough draft of a novel finished but I made it so epic in scale that I feel like it will be a lot of work to get it ready and perhaps two more novels could be added that would come before it.
Alas, they’re on the shelf right now (I swear I’ll return to them) and as we enter year four, I have developed a book cover purchasing addiction. Don’t worry, it is under control, but I feel like it just makes good fiscal sense to write and publish BQB’s Writing Prompts, Zom Fu, Toilet Gator and Zomcation first.
Believe it or not, there’s actually light at the end of the tunnel for BQB’s Writing Prompts. It’s definite that will get published this year. As for the rest, I’ll work as hard as I can, but alas, I’m not in my twenty year old days where I could just drink a Red Bull and go 24 hours on a project and wake up the next day fresh as a daisy.
In conclusion, I’d like to share a little song I wrote for you:
Thank you for being a friend, 3.5 readers. You’ve traveled down the road and back again. Your hearts are true. You are my pals and my confidants. And if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say, “Thank you for being a friend.”
Oh wait. My attorney informs me I did not write that. That is, in fact, the theme to the Golden Girls.
Oh well. Thank you for being my 3.5 friends anyway.
Don’t forget…
…if I get 3500 WordPress followers, I will hire the guy on Fiverr who juggles chainsaws to make a chainsaw juggling video.
What’s wrong with you people? Why haven’t you made this happen already? It’s almost as if you don’t want to see a man juggle a chainsaw in my honor. Get your priorities straight, people.
Bookshelf Battle 