Place your bets on the following:
Uma Thurman vs. Ethel Merman
The Winner of the Above Fight vs. an Actual Merman
A Merman vs. Merlin
Walker, Texas Ranger vs. Hermione Granger
Sally Jesse Raphael vs. Raphael the Ninja Turtle
Apple vs. PCP
A Person Who Ate an Apple vs. A Person Who Ate PCP
Patty Hearst vs. Patty Mayonnaise
Al Pacino vs. a Guy in Chinos
The King of Clubs vs. a Club Sandwich
The Earl of Sandwich vs. a Damn Witch
Happy Valentine’s Day 3.5 readers. Here’s a blast from the past from Uncle Hardass, who opines that if you’re a lonely CHUD this Valentine’s Day, you should give up and settle.
By: Uncle Hardass, Grumpy Old Man Correspondent
Renowned Romance Expert Hardassimo J. Scrambler, BQB’s Grumpy Uncle
Hello degenerate 3.5 readers. Still wasting your time trying to become writers I see. Despite your old Uncle Hardass’ repeated efforts to put you on the straight and narrow path, you’re all still convinced that you’re going to be the next Hugh Howey.
And you know what? Maybe you all ought to shut yourselves up in a big grain silo for a decade or two just to get some inspiration for your next writing project. God knows the world would be a better place without all you damn hippies in it.
The salt mines are still hiring, by the way. GET A JOB!
Anyway, it’s Valentine’s Day. The day of love. Amor, mon cheri. I know this comes as no surprise, but back in my day, I was quite the ladies’ man.
Why, when…
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Dearest Macarena,
One Sweet Day, I’ll need you to Hit Me Baby One More Time. I’m Too Sexy, I Swear, and I’m not a Loser. Is this the End of the Road? No, and No Scrubs could ever be Killing You Softly with His Song. Will we be Livin’ La Vida Loca? You Can’t Touch This? That’s cold as Ice, Ice, Baby.
“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.” – Roy Batty
The long awaited sequel to the 1980s sci-fi classic, “Blade Runner” is here. BQB here with a review, 3.5 replicants.
Thirty years after the events of the first film, “Officer K” a replicant who serves LAPD as a blade runner, has stirred up quite a controversy. Specifically, during a routine replicant retirement, he discovers that years ago, a female replicant gave birth to a baby.
This is not good news for humans, who want replicants to serve only as slaves. While Roy and the gang did cause some mischief in the last film, ever so creepy scientist Niander Wallace (Jared Leto) has bought out the Tyrell Corporation and bred a new generation of flawlessly subservient replicants.
But the older, more free-spirited models remain and Madame (Robin Wright), the head of the LAPD’s anti-replicant unit, wants any and all older models retired. The idea that replicants could reproduce is frightening, so she puts K on the assignment.
Along the way, K’s investigation puts him into some buddy cop shenanigans with Deckard (Harrison Ford) the original blade runner from the first film.
So, here’s the deal. The first film was a sci-fi legend because it was sleek, stylish, and catered to a more mature sci-fi nerd. Wookies and laser swords (Star Wars had just come out at the time) were all well and good, but this was the thinking man’s nerd movie.
Further, the movie posed a lot of questions about the value of life – how short it is, how people end up being what society wants them to be rather than who they want to be, whether it is possible for synthetic lifeforms to be made, if they are made, would they have a soul and of course, as Batty points out, how life seems like a waste if one day all your memories will be gone.
This film is a treat. In many ways, it does retain that early 1980s serious sci-fi vibe. It’s dark and brooding. There’s more 50-foot tall hologram advertising models. Frankly, the idea of a hologram girlfriend that does your bidding sounds awesome (those are normal height).
Is it as good as the original? Does it replace it? No and no, but it’s a fun time and it doesn’t damage the original.
It is a time commitment, coming in at roughly 2 hours and 50 minutes. Honestly, I held off on seeing it because I needed a day when I’d have 3 hours without someone bothering me and today was it. I had to watch it in shifts, I’d watch an hour, then go do something, etc.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy.
Lot of talk about Russian spies in the news lately, 3.5 readers. Is your lady an agent for the Kremlin?
According to this TMZ article, comic legend Richard Pryor and acting legend Marlon Brando humped, boned, got it on.
I’m such a dinosaur because I don’t know what to think. Two actors I liked. I suppose it would be not woke to not like them anymore. Also, to clarify, I didn’t like Brando that much. IMO, he was good in “The Godfather” and kind of a pretentious prick in everything else, but that’s my opinion.
Pryor was hysterical in everything.
OK I’m depressed these two allegedly had sex, but I admit that makes me not woke.
Also, it may be beyond depression. Just surprise. Shock. Pryor was so silly, Brando so serious. Didn’t seem like they’d hang out together, let alone have alleged gay sex.
Like imagine how you’d feel if you woke up tomorrow and there was a headline that said Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift like to play pinball machines on top of giant, football stadium sized donuts while unicorns run around and space aliens dance the mambo.
That would seem very out of the ordinary…just as how out of the ordinary it is to me the allegation that Pryor and Brando banged each other.
What would that even sound like?
BRANDO: I’m going to make your ass an offer it can’t refuse!
PRYOR: Oh get in there, bitch! You gonna get it all, Jack!
BRANDO: Ugh…your ass could have been a contender!
PRYOR: Oh you muthafucka! Gratuitous use of the N-word!
BRANDO: STELLAAAAAAAA!!!
PRYOR: Hilarious white guy voice!
BRANDO: YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!
PRYOR: Where’s my crack pipe?!
Anyway. That’s how I imagine it sounded.
Poor JT. He goes to the Super Bowl and whips out Janet Jackson’s titty and everyone flips out, so this time he plays it straight and everyone gets pissed out.
Look, make up your minds, people. Either you want Justin to whip out titties or you don’t.
I’ll admit though I’m not sure what the point of this whole “Man of the Woods” thing is. Like, you think it means he’s trying to become a Country music star but instead he’s just making pop songs about the country? WTF.
If there’s a better movie out there about a woman who fucks a fish monster, I’ve yet to see it.
BQB here with a review of the Oscar front runner, “The Shape of Water.”
I don’t think the line above counts as a spoiler. If you check out the poster for this film, it shows a woman locked in a passionate embrace with a fish man sooo…I mean I don’t know about you, but when I saw that my immediate reaction was to realize that this movie was probably going to feature some human on fish man fucking.
Beyond that, I can’t begin to discuss this film without mentioning SPOILERS so if you don’t want to read SPOILERS then don’t read on below. SPOILERS!!!
Here’s the deal, 3.5 readers. I’ve been a movie buff for as long as I can remember. I have seen so many movies that I deserve an honorary degree in film studies.
I’m usually able to collect my thoughts after I see a film…but I’m not sure what I saw here.
It was good. I’m just unclear as to the point of it all.
Sally Hawkins and Octavia Spencer play Elisa and Zelda, a duo of cleaning ladies who keep a top secret 1960s Cold War era research facility spotless. They dust satellites and clean bizarre machines and are aware that their continued employment (and freedom) requires them to keep their mouths shut about anything they see.
That’s easy for Elisa as she’s mute – unable to speak. Elisa lives on the periphery of life, always enjoy movies and television, which she watches with her elderly, unemployed neighbor, a mopey ex-advertising artist named Giles (Richard Jenkins.)
Elisa is content to stick with the same old life until she learns that one of the lab’s test subjects, a fish man comparable in appearance to “the Creature from the Black Lagoon” is regularly tortured by Strickland, a clandestine CIA type played by Michael Shannon.
Long story short, Elisa feels sorry for the fish monster, so she enlists Zelda and Giles to participate in an breakout scheme.
And then once the creature is free, he and Elisa fuck. Oh my God. There is so much fish monster on human woman fucking its crazy really.
Sooo…I’m unsure of a number of things. My first thought is surely this film, about a woman who falls in love with and fucks a fish man, must be a dark comedy. The Academy never touches sci-fi, but the film makes use of typical French romance music, so one is left to wonder if this is all just a parody of classic romance films, but instead of two French people who lose their ennui after they meet, this is about….human on fish man fucking.
There are definitely dark comedy undertones yet there is a lot of drama and in many parts, a serious tone. What exactly is the overall theme? The best I was able to come up with is that it is very difficult to find true love so when you find it, you must embrace it, even if you and your partner have differences – say, differences in race, religion, background…or you know, if one of you is a human and one of you is a fish man.
From a writer’s standpoint, I am amazed. I write so many outlandish, ridiculous, absurd things but never once would I dream of having a woman and a fish monster get it on. Honestly, take out the French romance music and some of the dramatic flourishes and serious scenes and this movie could double as an April Fool’s episode of the X-Files where the producers decide to let their hair down and be silly.
Meanwhile, Michael Shannon is skilled at playing psychos and he excels here. This is his best performance since “Boardwalk Empire.” I was left to believe that he really wanted to apprehend the fish man at all costs and was not moved by the romantic undertones of human on fish man coitus.
Jenkins also deserves recognition. I bought him as a sad sack whose only friend is Elisa and thus he’s willing to do anything to retain her friendship. By the way, don’t get old because if a woman has to choose between an old man and a fish man, she will choose the sushi penis every time. Scaly balls, yes. Wrinkly balls, no.
Is it worth an Oscar? I mean, I enjoyed it, I had a good time, it did make me think about love and how it can bloom in the strangest places under the most unexpected circumstances.
Is it better than the other nominees? I’ll have to think about that one, though I’ll note that at this point, I really just want the news to be talking about how a movie about a woman who fucks a fish man was made best picture and to the best of my knowledge, none of the other films feature a woman banging a fish man.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. If you ever figure out what it’s about, tell me.
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
As a nerd, I don’t know much about sports. Move the ball here. Move the ball there. Rah rah sis boom bah and so forth. Where’s the buffalo wings?
But if you dig sports, I hope you enjoy the football fest. Which team are you rooting for? Tell me in the comments.
I enjoyed this SNL skit. It represents both teams’ fans well.
Hey 3.5 readers.
In a previous post, I said I was close to having 3000 WordPress followers.
Recently, I looked it up and I only have around 2300.
I don’t know why I thought I had almost 3000. Maybe I read something wrong, maybe I was looking at the wrong thing…weird, but I goofed somehow. Anyway, I want to be as accurate as possible with you, my 3.5 readers so…around 2300 but if you could help me get it up to 3000 by the end of the year that would be awesome.
Bookshelf Battle 