And now from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Reality Television Star!
10. Cameras follow her around wherever she goes, despite the fact that she never does anything relevant or newsworthy whatsoever.
9. Meanwhile, producers follow you around wherever you go, demanding that you engage your girlfriend in obviously contrived dramatic interactions. Tell her you have a disease that you don’t really have. Tell her that her sister is dying when she doesn’t even have a sister. Tell her a mutual friend that doesn’t exist was just hit by a bus. Just tell her something that sounds totally awful to keep the viewers from changing the channel.
8. That teeny weeny dog living in her purse gets more kisses from her than you do.
7. When she does kiss you she leaves so much glitter on you that you end up looking like Tinkerbell took a dump on your face.
6. You’ve grown accustomed to words like “lurve,” “totes” and “bae.” At least when you’re down, you can always count on a “I totes lurve u 4-eva bae” text. (If she isn’t busy at da club.)
5. She drinks enough to drop a Clydesdale, yet somehow manages to looks good in the morning…er, well…in the afternoon…after twenty-five assistants fix and readjust everything.
4. She has her own fragrance, vodka, fashion line and music album. Yet somehow, her head will explode if you ask her to read The Cat in the Hat.
3. You broke the news to her that your doctor thinks you need a colonoscopy. She wants to know if she can live tweet the whole experience and put the camera feed on periscope.
2. People are constantly searching the inter webs for nude photos of her. Stop selling nude photos of her, you pervert.
- She argues with you using hashtags:
YOU: Hi babe. Sorry I’m late.
YOU: I couldn’t help it. Traffic was a nightmare.
YOU: Aww. Don’t be like that.
We would have also accepted:
- Owns more leopard printed clothing than Tarzan.
- Ironically, wears less of said clothing, or any clothing really, than Tarzan.
- Owns enough shoes to outfit a gaggle of centipedes.
- Selfies. So many selfies.
- Tries to look hot with a duck faced selfie. Ends up looking like Daisy Duck suffering through a yeast infection.
- She gets a manicure. It’s a show. She gets a pedicure. It’s a show. She goes shopping. It’s a show. She stands on one foot and bounces up and down? It’s a two hour special.