Tag Archives: animals

Dec 09 2016
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Tomfoolery

Giraffe Sex Song

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.

I was filled with dismay to read on CNN that giraffes are in danger of going extinct.

Giraffes are such wonderful creatures that I felt an immediate need to do something.

So, I made some calls to some of the music business peeps I met in my Funky Hunks days and to my delight, I am now going to turn this post over to Barry Yellowspots, the only giraffe in the world capable of singing 1970s Barry White style love ballads.

Barry, take it away.

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BARRY:

Aww, yeah thank you BQB.

:::Cue 1970s love ballad music:::

Do you readers know what time it is?

ALL FEMALE CHORUS:

What time is it?

BARRY:

It’s time to get freaky!

CHORUS:

Oooh, freaky!

BARRY:

It’s time to get nasty!

CHORUS:

Nasty!

BARRY:

It’s time….for giraffes to fuck!

CHROUS:

Start fuckin’ giraffes!

BARRY:

Girl, I see you across the savannah.

It’s like I’m in heaven and you are my manna.

We’re just a couple of spotted sheep-horse creatures.

And everyone knows our long ass necks are our greatest feature.

CHORUS:

Greatest feature!

BARRY:

We’re living proof that Darwin was right!

Because all those short ass little necked giraffes who couldn’t reach the highest leaves on the tree sure as hell ain’t fuckin’ tonight!

CHORUS:

Dead giraffes don’t fuck!

BARRY:

Now girl, no means no and if that’s your answer I’ll take it.

But if you’ve sworn a vow of chastity, please, oh please won’t you break it?

We’re the closest thing the world has to a unicorn.

And once we’re gone, the world will surely mourn.

CHORUS:

The world will mourn!

BARRY:

So girl, let me turn you on with my manly neck muscle flex.

‘Cuz it’s time for us to have…some hot and sweaty giraffe sex.

CHORUS:

Giraffe sex!

BARRY:

Whoa, uh oh Giraffe sex!

CHORUS:

Giraffe sex!

BARRY:

You thought we giraffes were all shit out of luck.

But don’t worry world, cuz we’re totally gonna fuck!

Whoa, uh oh, giraffe sex!

CHORUS:

Giraffe sex!

BARRY:

Girl, don’t you know this is what the world needs?

CHORUS:

The world needs it!

BARRY:

For all of us giraffes to get together and breed!

CHORUS:

Giraffe breeding!

BARRY:

Now girl, just be cool as I get into position.

For giraffes are endangered and I’m on a reproductive mission.

This ain’t about you or me baby it’s about the world.

And all the baby giraffes we’re about to unfurl.

Whoa, uh oh giraffe sex!

CHORUS:

Giraffe sex!

BARRY:

Don’t you know it’s the only way?

A bunch of horny ass giraffes must save the day!

CHORUS:

Save the day!

BARRY:

Damn baby, you wouldn’t know it because I got my neck leaned so far backwards it’s in the next county.

But if you could see my face, you’d see me smiling because of all of that sweet lady giraffe booty bounty.

CHORUS:

Giraffe booty bounty!

BARRY:

Don’t even worry about giraffe fellatio.

I’d have to climb up onto a damn tree just to make that a go.

Oh and girl, don’t even get me started on giraffe cunnilingus.

CHORUS:

Giraffe cunnilingus!

BARRY:

That would require an entire football field between us.

CHORUS:

So much between us!

BARRY:

Whoah, uh oh, giraffe sex!

CHORUS:

Giraffe sex!

BARRY:

Look, I swear this isn’t an elaborate scheme to get all up in that giraffe cooter!

CHORUS:

Giraffe cooter!

BARRY:

Whoa, uh oh, giraffe sex!

CHORUS:

Giraffe sex!

BARRY:

Giraffe extinction is real, just look it up on your giraffe computer!

BQB:  Thank you Barry and thank you 3.5 readers for educating yourselves on the need for giraffes to start fucking.  If you know a giraffe couple, please, I urge you, encourage them to fuck.

Put on a slow jam.  Set the mood lighting.  Pour them some wine and then politely tell them that they shouldn’t wait around for “the perfect giraffe” to come along because, hey, there’s a giraffe right there to fuck.

You know me, 3.5 readers.  I’m all about charity.  I’m against Lightning Infused Toilet Pastry Toilet Death.  I’m a proponent of #OscarSoPretty and now, I’m taking on a new cause…giraffe sex!

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Oct 17 2016
2 Comments
Movies

Questions About the Jungle Book Movie

Have you seen the new live-action version, 3.5 readers?

I suppose my question apply to the cartoon version as well.

Someone call an animal expert but wolves and bears are only in forests right?  Are there any jungle bears or jungle wolves?

“BQB this is a movie for dumb kids who don’t these things.”

Oh right. Thank you 3.5 readers.

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Sep 16 2016
7 Comments
Tomfoolery

Chickens are Stupid

I don’t know. I got nothing. So I’ll just say chickens are stupid.

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Aug 31 2016
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The Yeti, Uncategorized

The Yeti Escapes!

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3.5 readers I don’t want to alarm you, but the international war criminal/fuzzy snow monster known as “The Yeti” has escaped Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters.

It wasn’t much of an escape as he was free to leave at any time and frankly the food bill was getting to the point where I was doing my best to nudge him out the door.

I tried to be subtle about it – leaving want ads for jobs that yetis can do lying on the coffee table and inviting hot she-yetis over to fix him up with, but he refused to leave…

…until now.  Has he changed his evil ways? Was he rehabilitated during his stay at BQB HQ or is out there right now, plotting and scheming his revenge against me, your noble blog host, BQB?

Who knows?

Keep an eye out and if you happen to see an international war criminal/fuzzy monster walking around, let me know, but don’t feed him…unless you want a lazy, non-rent paying roommate to move into your crib for years on end.

Stupid yeti.

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May 31 2016
8 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Should the Cincinnati Zoo Have Shot Harambe the Gorilla?

Good morning 3.5 Readers.

Are you all refreshed after the long Memorial Day Weekend?

It goes by too fast, doesn’t it?

Anyway, have you been following the news story about the Cincinnati Zoo?

If you haven’t heard about it, a four year old boy somehow managed to fall fifteen feet into the zoo’s “Gorilla World” exhibit.

Harambe, a seventeen year old gorilla, found the kid and at one point, grabbed him and rather violently dragged him through the water.

Zoo keepers had to act fast and decided to shoot the gorilla dead.  They have explained that it was the only option.  They say a tranquilizer dart would not have acted fast enough and may have even angered the gorilla and caused him to become even more violent before it kicked in.

Faced with taking a chance that they could have somehow saved the boy without harming the gorilla or shooting the gorilla, they chose to shoot him.

A lot of people are complaining that the zoo didn’t do the right thing. There’s an online petition, a hashtag #gorillalivesmatter and the usual armchair quarterbacking.

Personally, I think the zoo had to do what it had to do. I don’t think anyone wanted to kill the gorilla.

And you can’t really blame Harambe because he’s a frigging gorilla.  Gorillas attack stuff. That’s what they do.

Some complainers point to a part of the video where it looked like he stands the boy up and looks like he wants to protect him.

I mean, maybe but maybe he was also thinking about the best way to crack the kid’s head open like a coconut.

Let’s be honest. Had the zoo not shot the gorilla and the gorilla had killed the kid, everyone, literally everyone, even the same people protesting the gorilla’s death, would be demanding to know why the zoo put a gorilla’s life over a boy’s.

Animal life over human life, you got to save the human.

I don’t want to immediately rush to judgment and start ragging on the family because I don’t know the full situation.

I suppose if there’s one lesson, it could be that zoos might review their exhibits and see if there are any holes that could be shored up, any little spaces where a little kid could conceivably squeeze through.

But at the same time, yeah, if you’re an adult, you’ve got to be keeping an eye on your kids.

I have no idea if the adults involved here weren’t paying attention and their kid wandered away, or maybe they were and the kid just got away from them, but I don’t know…people just need to be more careful, but at the same time zoos should review their exhibit security in light of the fact that we live in a world where literally on ne takes any responsibility for anything anymore.

RIP Harambe.

And kid, you’re 4 years old so I can’t blame you either. Hope you’re recovering well from the whole ordeal.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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May 25 2016
7 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Scientists Make Chimeras?

Good morning 3.5 readers.

BQB here with another daily discussion.

Chimeras. They’ve been in the news lately.

Not gonna lie. Up until now I thought they only existed in that video game, Resistance, about an alternate World War II in which the US fought human/animal monsters.

But nope. Various news outlets are reporting that scientists are indeed working on making part-human/part-animal embryos.

“Chimera” is a word from Greek mythology, used to denote a part animal/part human.

Scientists claim in various stories I have read, such as this one from NPR that this effort isn’t being done in the hopes of creating some kind of awful animal man, but rather, to study diseases, learn about ways to improve health, and perhaps even be able to grow human organs inside of animals that can be harvested for terminally ill human patients.

But the experiments are controversial, so much so that the National Institutes of Health have ceased funding them until the issue can be studied more, according to the above article.

Personally, I’m suspicious of everyone and everything. I can already see my nemesis, Dr. Hugo Von Science, using this research to raise his own army of pig men, goat men, horse men, dog men, cat men and elephant men to conquer the world.

On the other hand, the idea that I could keep a pig in the back yard with some extra organs in case I need one is intriguing.

It’d have to be an actual pig. If it were a pig man then I’d feel bad.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Yay or nay on chimeras?

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May 04 2016
8 Comments
Discussions

Is it OK to Hug Your Dog?

Actually, I did think of something.

It has been in the news the past couple of days that scientists are saying it is bad to hug your dog. They say that even though the dog might look happy, he or she is feeling intense stress over the hug.

Personally, I try not to hug Bookshelf Q. Battledog as he is a vicious man eating beast who has devoured 951 intruders on BQB HQ premises.

BQBD

Bookshelf Q. Battledog is too f&*king manly for hugs.

 

But what do you think?  Dog hugging – bad or good idea? Needless to say I mean dog hugging within normal limits.  All you people who were spooning your dog and dancing the waltz with your dog were weird to begin with.

I’ve been known to pat BQBD on the head while watching Scandal Thursday nights on ABC with Alien Jones, the Yeti and of course, Video Game Rack Fighter, who brings Video Game Rack Fighter Cat.

Now that I am writing this, I have questions. Do they mean never hug your dog ever?  Or are they talking about weirdoes who hug their dogs for hours and hours?

Because honestly, maybe after like a 24 hour dog hugging session the dog ends up feeling like a furry hostage or something.

Maybe he wants space. Maybe he wants to see other owners.

I don’t know. I’m not a dog scientist.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

 

 

 

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Dec 05 2015
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Character Profiles

Character Profiles – Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog

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NAME: Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog

NICKNAME: BQBD

TITLE: Chief of Security of Bookshelf Battle Headquarters

BIOGRAPHY: Bookshelf Q. Battledog began life as a tiny papillion puppy, purchased in a batch of a hundred puppies purchased by the Advanced Science Institute of Science University to be used in a project led by Dr. Hugo Von Science to see whether or not it was possible to splice werewolf DNA into small dogs.

Dr. Hugo assured his students, one of whom was Bookshelf Q. Battler, that this project was “purely for scientific research purposes only and was in no one an attempt by him to spread chaos across the world by introducing an infestation of tiny, harmless looking killer dogs that no one would ever suspect.

BQB grew rather attached to the dog assigned to him and when the Dean of Science University nixed the project due to a lack of funding, he took his new friend home, made him his pet, gave him a name and put him to work guarding his massive compound.

Mr. Battler trained BQBD in the way of martial arts, which helped our noble canine become grounded and centered, embracing a zen lifestyle in which he only focuses his intense rage on intruders.  He’s devoured over 200 trespassers to date.

In his spare time, he is a voracious reader and an amateur philosopher.  BQB and BQBD often engage in worldly discussions of an intense academic nature.

BQBD mostly communicates through a series of barks and woofs, yet BQB can still understand him.  Very occasionally, BQBD will actually speak English, though how he’s able to do so or why he doesn’t do it more often is unknown.

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Nov 20 2015
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Uncategorized, Videos

In lieu of anything meaningful…

…here’s a video of baby goats in pajamas instead:

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Aug 26 2015
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Bookshelf Q. Battledog

Happy National Dog Day

In honor of National Dog Day, I present this tribute to Bookshelf Q. Battledog:

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