Tag Archives: romance

May 16 2016
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BQB's Romance Tips for Nerds

BQB’s Romance Tips for Nerds #1 – Oui by Jeremih

Hey Nerds.

BQB here.

Look, I’m no Casa Nova, but I’ve learned a thing or three in my day.

If you’re reading this blog then you’re probably a lonely nerd.

If there’s a she-nerd out there who’s on the fence as to whether or not you’re the man for her, put yourself over the top by playing “Oui” by Jeremih.

Forget that commercial where Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (that guy who plays Jamie Lannister on Game of Thrones) strikes out when he plays it.

He was up against Alison Brie, a famous actress who probably gets hit on by famous men all day long. She’s immune to it.

The average woman is powerless against Jeremih’s smooth vocals and I’m telling you, just bring “Oui” up on your phone, push play and she’ll be all over you like stink on a monkey.

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May 04 2016
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top ten lists

All of BQB’s Relationship Warning Signs Top Ten Lists Reblogged!

Thanks to the knowledge packed books he keeps on his bookshelf (which he occasionally even reads) Bookshelf Q. Battler is a world renowned expert on most things.

Recently, he’s used his uncanny brain power to help his 3.5 readers learn the warning signs they need to recognize in order to keep their love boat from running aground.

Is your girlfriend a ninja?

Is your boyfriend a conspiracy theorist?

Is your girlfriend a zombie?

Is your boyfriend a hipster?

Hold onto your butts, for BQB will be reblogging them all..now!

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Apr 30 2016
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top ten lists

Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say About You if She Were a Classic Film Noir Detective

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Fear not, 3.5 readers.  Jake Dashing continues to file his pop culture mystery reports.

I’m just so bogged down with all my work here at Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters that I never have time to edit and post them.

I really need to hire an assistant.

I head a rumor though that after being told to pound sand one too many times by Attorney Donnelly, Jake has set his sights on a lady detective who he shares some uh, let’s say, “personality traits” with.

Here the mystery woman is, with the Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say About You if She Were a Classic Film Noir Detective.

(Translated from English to Film Noir Speak.)

10.  ENGLISH: Babe, you left the bathroom a mess!

FILM NOIR SPEAK:  Another day, another dollar and another twenty-four hours closer to meeting my maker. I gave up on a perfect life long ago but call me crazy, I feel like even a gal like me has a right to five minutes of peace alone in the powder room.

Sigh.  No such luck.  I open the door and find the floor covered with enough water to float the Titanic, which is ironic, because the floor is also littered with enough towels to soak up the Pacific Ocean.

I need to think.  I go to the sink and turn on the faucet, hoping a splash of cool water on my face will subdue my burning rage.  No such luck.  The sink is filled with a twisted concoction of whisker hairs, shaving cream, and toothpaste.

Just what ever gal wants. A furry viscous fluid waiting for her.  Lucky me.

Thirty seconds with a washcloth would have spared my eyes from this sight.  What’s the skinny on this palooka? Is he stupid? Rude? Was he born in a barn? Raised by hobos?

Is this some kind of bizarre power play? Leave a mess to see if the little woman will clean it up?

Or is he just that obtuse that he doesn’t notice things like this?

Speaking of noticing things, out of the corner of my eye I spot that the toilet is filled with more skid marks than the Indy 500 race track.

Men. Can’t live with ’em.  Sorry. There isn’t a second verse to that old song and dance number.

9.  ENGLISH:  I love you.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Love.  That and a plug nickel will buy you a cup of coffee, but at least you never have to worry about your java sprouting legs and walking away.

Men, on the other hand, have a bad habit of becoming gold medal marathon runners when you least expect it.  There one day, gone the next, the only memories he leaves you with are his silhouette against the moonlight as he makes a beeline for the door and that old familiar throbbing in your ticker…

…ba-dump…ba-dump…ba-dump.

Then again, it could just be gas.

8.  ENGLISH: I wish you’d take me somewhere nice.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  There’s a part of me that wants to dance. Not that I’m a spritely ballerina type mind you but the madcap irony of life is that the less you have of it, the more you want to embrace it.  Rattling around in the back of my mind like so many marbles shot by the kid with the best aggie in school are images of myself as a wrinkled up old broad, wrapped up in a shawl, rocking away in my wheelchair, cursing myself for not having danced more in my youth.

I owe it to that old gal to trip the light fantastic fella, so either cut a rug with me or I’ll find someone who will.

7.  ENGLISH:  I baked you cookies.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Sweets.  They’re one of the many cruel jokes played on us by the man upstairs.

Surely you’ve realized by now that the Almighty  has a peculiar sense of humor, right?

Cookies are delicious, but too many and you’ll end up looking like the love child of Fatty Arbuckle and King Kong.

Making whoopee is an equally pleasant pastime, but pick the wrong person and you’ll end up with some kind of dirty social disease.  You know, the kind that makes your privates shrivel up, turn green, and that’s only if you’re lucky.

Still, everything in moderation is the way to go, so here are some cookies. One a day makes the blues go way.

Two a day will make me go away.

Make your choice, Jack.

6.  ENGLISH:  Do these jeans make my butt look big?

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Sizes are like opinions.  They vary greatly depending where you go, and they all leave you feeling like you’re going to explode.

In this case, I feel like there’s going to be an ass explosion. I’m not about to share my size with you, Nosebox McGee, but let’s just say I’ve always fit in the same number except for today, as I tried a new boutique where apparently it’s the company creedo that everyone should have an ass flatter than everyone thought the pre-Columbus world was.

I can tell you’re burning a hole in the back of my jeans with your lustful eyes, because like bathroom cleanliness, subtlety has never been your strong suit.

So make like a tipped over milk carton and spill, Jack. Is it round like a candy apple or does it look like it’s got its own gravitational pull?

5.  ENGLISH: You forgot my birthday, jerk.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  Time. Oh how that relentless son of a bitch enjoys teasing me. Taunting me. Yanking days off the calendar of my life with reckless abandon, leaving me with little more than fuzzy memories of cheap men and even cheaper vodka.

Eighteen.  Twenty-one. All the best birthdays are gone now.  What’s left to celebrate to celebrate now other than being one year closer to shaking hands with Mr. Grim Reaper himself?

Now there’s a celebrity whose autograph you don’t want.

Still, it’s perfectly normal for anyone with a pulse to feel a burning desire to be remembered. In the end, when all is said and done, when the last clump of dirt is heaped on our graves and the undertaker collects his due, all we are to the people we leave behind is the sum total of the memories they carry with them in their minds.

And apparently, my fella isn’t carrying many thought drops about me in his brain bucket.

I saw a bum shivering on a park bench this morning.  Cold. Alone. Forgotten. Cared for by no one.

Whenever my man screws up like this, it’s hard not to see myself as ending up just ike that lowdown vagrant one day.

Cold. Alone. Forgotten.  Cared for by no one.

Thanks a lot, Jack.

4.  ENGLISH: Let’s move in together.

TRANSLATION:  Space. I have it. You have it. Who needs it? Let’s live in the now and share the cow.  My milk. Your milk.  Who cares whose gullet it goes down when it all comes out yellow anyway?

Splitting digs is always a big step in any relationship.  And sure, it might turn out to be the step that lands our feet on an emotional land mine that blows our psyches to kingdom come.

Then again, it could also be the step that leads us to the American Dream.  A nice house with a front yard, a white picket fence, three kids, a dog, and our very own shared subscription to Better Homes and Gardens.

Mull it over, palooka. For as Custer said on the way to his last stand, “What’s the worst that could happen?”

3.  ENGLISH: I forgive you for (whatever dumb thing you did recently.)

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: They say love is blind but in my case, she must have had her eyes gouged out with rusty razors because despite all the strike marks you’ve got against you, you’re still aces in my book, bub.

2.  ENGLISH: We should get married.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  Here we are, two dopes stuck on a big blue marble, our lives as insignificant as a couple of ants to the shoe of a random passerby.

Call me naive. Call me crazy. Call me late for dinner but I love ya, ya big lug. There, I said it. Write it down, rubber stamp it, set it in a frame and hang it on the wall for the whole world to see.

Sure, we could end up crashing in flames like the Hindenburg but we might just circumnavigate the globe like Lucky Lindy. We’ll never know until we flap our wings and take that leap.

There’s no one I’d like to take that leap with more than you, see?

  1.  ENGLISH: I think we should break up.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Alright, buster. Clean the wax out of your ears and listen up.

You and I are over. We’re done. Kaput.  It’s like seeing the final credits roll at the end of a three hour Judd Apatow film. I feel depressed that I wasted my time yet elated that this bullshit is finally out of my life now.

Take a long walk off a short pier, palooka.  Dumpsville just held an election and you’re the Mayor, the Alderman, and the dog catcher all rolled into one.

Aww, pipe down with the waterworks, see?  Like my Aunt Edna’s underpants, a crying man is a sight no one wants to see.

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Apr 27 2016
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Steampunk

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Ah, the Victorian Age!

When gadgets were powered by steam and operated by cranks and levers and wheels and other such bullshit.

Some people are so enamored with the late 1800’s that they wish they could live there.

Heck, your girlfriend acts like that all the time.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Steampunk.

10.  When she asks if you want to get high, that usually means she’s offering you a ride in her airship.  (Although it could also be a pot reference.  Steampunks aren’t necessarily against the idea of steaming up a spliff once in awhile…)

9.  Wears goggles everywhere, for no apparent reason, even when they are not necessary.  Alas, you can’t see her beautiful eyes or tell what she’s thinking about.  (Hint: it’s probably steam.)

8.  Demands that you also convert all of your gadgets to steam power.  You thought your PC was slow before, try it when you have to turn a damn crank to get it running.

7.  Her name is something wacky, like Ezmeralda Fibbleteegibbett or Lady Shamalamadingdong.  Still refuses to take your name if you two get married.

6.  Wears a top hat everywhere, even in the boudoir, which seemed interesting at first but now in the dark it just feels too much like you’re hooking up with Abraham Lincoln.

5.  When people ask you what the hell a steampunk is, she gets mad at you when you reply, “I don’t know.  It’s a blend of sci-fi and historical fiction in which modern devices are powered through late 1800’s steam based technology, and often all of this shit happens on a damn airship?”

She shouldn’t be mad at you because that answer was straight up spot on, yo.

4.  She’s probably British.  Every British person is, in secret, a steampunk plotting to take back the US colonies through steam powered weaponry.

3.  Offered to bring some risqué steam powered uh, devices, into the bedroom.  Sounded fun at first, but now you realize your crank isn’t the one that is going to be turned…

Plus, how the hell is that steam engine going to fit in your house?

2.  Gets mad if you suggest changing it up once in awhile by using gas and/or electricity and/or some damn Duracells because “I don’t have all day to turn this crank, Steampunk Girlfriend!”

  1.  She might not be a steampunk.  She could just be a woman with a fake British accent who buys her clothes at Hot Topic and wanted a look other than goth for a change.

At any rate, bless you sir, and your steampunk girlfriend, for with her, every day will now be an adventure…in the skies…with steam!

Seriously, enough with the steam already.

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Apr 24 2016
5 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Melisandre

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Lady Melisandre.

The Red Woman.

Skillfully played by Carice van Houten, the Red Woman may be Stannis’ other woman but let’s face it…she’s the only woman if she has anything to say about it.

From the home office in BQB HQ and just in time for the Season 6 Premiere of Game of Thrones, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Melisandre:

10.  She’s very supportive of your work and career goals…to the point that she’s willing to push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to murder your enemies.

Hey.  Be disgusted all you want but that’s true commitment right there.  My entire life I’ve never even been able to get a woman to make a damn sandwich for me, let alone push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to use in the assassination of my enemies.

9.  Cares enough about you that she’s always warning you that everything is “dark and full of terrors.”

  • The night is dark and full of terrors.
  • Your closet is dark and full of terrors.
  • Don’t get a popsicle because the freezer and dark and full of terrors…and popsicles.

8.  May or may not be able to bring your dead friends to life as we may or may not find out in Season 6.  (Warning: if she does bring your deceased friend back to life, it is because she wants to bang him.)

7.  Doesn’t always have the best advice.  Burn your daughter at the stake.  Sacrifice your illegitimate nephew.  None of it ever really gets you anywhere.

6.  She’s kind of a religious fanatic, almost to the point where you can picture her knocking on your door while you’re in the shower and you come out in your bathrobe and have to listen to her, “Have you accepted the Lord of Light as your personal savior?” routine.

5.  Redheads = feisty in the boudoir.  It is also a scientific fact that they are crazy.  Studies show that craziness turns hair red.

4.   Doesn’t want any baby mama drama.  Doesn’t even go after you for child support for the shadow assassin she pushed out of her magic snootch to dispatch your enemies.

3.  She is literally a character that pushed out a shadow assassin out of her magic snootch which means, if you are a writer, you need to stop doubting yourself because as long as your idea is as equally farfetched as “woman pushes shadow assassin out of her magic snootch” then the worst that can happen to your book is that it is turned into a highly profitable HBO series.

2.  Isn’t really about tying you down.  Willing to give you the magic snootch without any promises that you will dump your crazy wife for her.

  1.  Could possibly be a fraud who just throws chemicals into fires in order to give the illusion of magical power.  Then again, she did push a shadow assassin out of her magic snootch so, she’s definitely studied a magic book or two.
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Apr 24 2016
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Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio, Motivational Speaker – Why Does My Marriage Suck?

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

Hello 3.5 Suckers.

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I am on a mission to rid the world of suck. Every night before I go to bed, I imagine the planet as one great big orange in the palm of my hand that I am squeezing and squeezing until every last drop of suck has been wrung out of it.

That’s how much I hate it when things suck.

If you didn’t suck at reading so much, you could learn how to not suck with one of my self-help anti-suck books:

  • Sucking Suckers and the Suckfaces Who Love Them
  • Journey to the Center of Your Inner Suck
  • Stop Sucking in Thirty Days
  • Five Things You Can Do Right Now to Reduce Your Suck Levels By Ten Percent
  • Whoosh Goes the Sound of Your Released Suck

Of course, if you suck so much that you can’t even afford one of my anti-suck books, then you can get some free advice on how to not suck right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

(Although let’s face it, if you’re reading this mess, you probably suck.)

Sucky people from all over the world are constantly sending me letters, begging me to solve their sucky problems.

People trapped in a marriage that sucks is a common issue faced by suckers.  In fact, here’s one letter I received in my bag of fan suck mail just the other day:

Dear Vinny B,

My marriage sucks.  Is it because I suck?  Is it because my husband sucks? Do we both suck? Do we just suck together?

Please explain why my marriage sucks so bad and what I can do to make it so that it does not suck anymore.

Sincerely,

A Lady Whose Marriage Sucks

I’m sorry to hear that your marriage sucks, Lade Whose Marriage Sucks, but despite being an obvious sucker, you have inadvertently identified the top four explanations as to why a marriage sucks:

  1. You suck.
  2. Your spouse sucks.
  3. Both of you suck.
  4. Together, you suck.

Let’s go through each one.

Marriage Suck Question # 1 – Do You Suck?

As I always say, if you actually have to ask if you suck, then you suck.  And if you suck, then you could very well be the sucky monkey wrench that’s stopping up the gears of your marriage machine.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of some things that you, as a person who sucks, could be doing to suckify your marriage:

  • Farting – No one likes to be reminded that their mate has bowels.  Stop sucking all the good air in the room up your butt and let it rip outside for a change.
  • Cheating – Your word is your bond and only people who suck go back on a promise. If you’re getting a little something something on the side, then you suck.  Sure, an affair may seem like fun, but it is really just you putting a temporary patch on the gaping hole of your inner suck. Sooner or later your sucky flood gates will open and you’ll spill your suck all over the place and the world will finally know just how much you suck.
  • Gambling – It sucks when you put your spouse in the position of having to pawn his/her possessions because you can’t stop playing poker, betting on the ponies, or getting taken in by that dude with the three card monty table. People who suck at everything should never gamble as this is a surefire way to lose money due to your sucky abilities.
  • Letting Yourself Go – Do your looks suck? Sure, you may think that you have landed a honey so you might as well put some extra cheese on your taco, but all that cheese adds up…to a big pile of butt suck.  True, time does a number on our ability to not physically suck, but you don’t need to help the process along.
  • Depression – You suck so badly that you’ve lost the ability to get joy out of life. That is completely normal for a person who sucks.  Frankly, you suck so much I’d almost worry there was something wrong with you if you weren’t depressed about it.  But keep in mind that second hand suck is real and that your suck particles can fly through the air and latch onto your spouse like so many invisible suck barnacles.  Please don’t hurt yourself or others just because you suck.  You’d just be letting the suck in.  Instead, seek the advice of a trained medical professional on how to cope with and overcome your depression.  You’re not the first person to suck and you won’t be the last. So look yourself in the mirror, forgive yourself for sucking, and learn to move on.  If your spouse doesn’t suck, he or she will be there for you to lean on as you make the journey to a suck free life.

Marriage Suck Reason #2 – Does My Spouse Suck?

So you’re absolutely sure that you don’t suck and in fact, it is your spouse who sucks.

This is quite possible and here is a non-exhaustive list of things that you, as a person who does not suck, should not have to put up with from a spouse who sucks:

  • Cheating, farting, gambling (as discussed above) – But seriously, be a spouse who doesn’t suck and help your spouse overcome his/her depression.
  • Alcoholism/Substance Abuse –  Addictions suck, not just for the addicted but they can also drag a non-sucking person down into the depths of sucky depravity.  Perhaps as a person who does not suck, you can be a good role model for your spouse and help them get on the path to quitting an addiction that sucks. Alas, if your spouse is too far gone, you may have to make a sucky decision to move on.
  • Abusive Behavior – Even the greatest, least sucky marriages, fights in which unkind sucky words are exchanged are bound to happen. But if they’re happening daily and your spouse is using you as a verbal punching bag, you shouldn’t have to put up with that.  Heck, even a person who sucks shouldn’t have to be told constantly by their spouse that they suck. That’s what reputable anti-suck coaches like me are for.  Needless to say, whether you suck or not, you should never have to be a spouse’s physical punching bag either.
  • Being Sold to Foreign Businessmen – I don’t care how flattered you are by the high price you fetched in the underground sex slave auction your spouse signed you up for against your will, you should never have to put up with being sold as an international sex slave.  That just plain sucks.

Marriage Suck Reason #3 – Are We Both Sucky People?

This is entirely possible.  One of you could be an alcoholic farter while the other is a fat abusive gambler.  Perhaps you are both no-good cheaters who are constantly trying to sell the other into a life of international sex slavery.

In this case, you both suck.  Could you both make a pact to help each other mend your sucky ways? Perhaps…but as long as you both keep making excuses for your sucky behaviors, you’ll continue to drag your marriage down the suck hole.  If you’re both determined to suck things up forever, then you may have to consider going your separate ways so at least you can only suck up your own lives.

Marriage Suck Reason # 4 – Are We Non-Sucking People Who Just Suck Together?

Ahh, this is perhaps the saddest scenario in which a marriage sucks.

On your own, neither of you suck, but together, you suck like a Roomba stuck on autopilot.

Here’s an example:

You’re both alcoholics who have kicked your addiction long ago.  On your own, neither of you sucks at not drinking anymore. Alas, when you’re together, you become drinking buddies who party hearty.  It is a lot of fun at first, but without one non-sucker to flip the party switch off, things will eventually start to suck.

Yes, it is possible that the two of you suffer from any kind of addiction (from shopping to ice cream) and without one person to say enough is enough, then the two of you could end up in a suck spiral.

There’s also the potential of personality clash.  You’re a nerd who likes comic books.  She’s a supermodel who likes purse dogs. On your own, you both have your good, non-sucky qualities, but together, you have nothing to talk about or bond over and therefore, your conversations will suck.

Conclusion

ATTORNEY DONNELLY DISCLAIMER:

Vinny B. has no official credentials of any kind and therefore is not qualified in any way, shape or form to advise you about your marriage, your problems with depression or any problems you have whatsoever. If you suffer from these or any other problems, seek the advice of a real, trained professional and DO NOT rely on statements made by a dumb blog like this one.

Yes.  That disclaimer is true. Obviously, if you honestly believe that your marriage sucks, then only you can help you figure out what is the best thing to do.  Don’t rely on me.  Seek professional help.  Don’t be a dumb sucker who relies on dumb blogs.

Also, and I can’t stress this enough, please stop trying to sell your spouse into a life of international sex slavery.  Liam Neeson is only an actor and he won’t be able to save your spouse the way he did his fictional daughter in Taken.

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Apr 24 2016
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Literary Classics with Professor Nannerpants

Literary Classics with Professor Nannerpants – When I Was Fair and Young – The Poetry of Queen Elizabeth I

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Professor Horatio J. Nannerpants – Esteemed Literary Scholar/Poop Flinger

Good Day, 3.5 Readers.

Class is in session so take out your notebooks and start flinging your poop.

In my very first lecture, I should like very much to discuss one author of the Elizabethan era – Queen Elizabeth I herself.

When she wasn’t busy running an empire, she was quite a wordsmith I’ll have you know.

Take a gander at one of her finest poems:

When I Was Fair and Young

By: Queen Elizabeth I

When I was fair and young, then favor graced me.
Of many was I sought their mistress for to be.
But I did scorn them all and answered them therefore:
Go, go, go, seek some other where; importune me no more.

How many weeping eyes I made to pine in woe,
How many sighing hearts I have not skill to show,
But I the prouder grew and still this spake therefore:
Go, go, go, seek some other where, importune me no more.

Then spake fair Venus’ son, that proud victorious boy,
Saying: You dainty dame, for that you be so coy,
I will so pluck your plumes as you shall say no more:
Go, go, go, seek some other where, importune me no more.

As soon as he had said, such change grew in my breast
That neither night nor day I could take any rest.
Wherefore I did repent that I had said before:
Go, go, go, seek some other where, importune me no more.

:::Sniff Sniff:::

:::Blows my nose in a hanky:::

Oh Elizabeth.  I know your pain, girlfriend.

When we’re young and beautiful, the world feels like it belongs to us and we’re convinced this feeling will last forever.

For the young, there is always plenty of time.

Plenty of time to tell a potential mate to take a hike in the hopes that a better mate is on the horizon.

Even your humble professor is guilty of this. I once told Miss Tiddlywinks, a fellow lab chimp who had the hots for me, to hit the bricks.

Sure, she had a luxurious coat and was eager to please but I convinced myself that I could find a woman capable of throwing larger piles of poop.

Alas, in my middle age, as I cry myself to sleep with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in one paw, the remote in the other while watching old reruns of Gilmore Girls and wondering where the time went, I wish Miss Tiddlywinks would burst threw the door and throw her small, pathetic piles of poop at my head.

You never know what you have until it’s gone.

Yes, students.  That is a sentiment felt not just by the lowly masses but even by people as high and mighty as Queen Elizabeth I.

Of course, who can blame her?  Her father, Henry VIII chopped off so many of his wives’ heads in search of a son to be his heir and in the end, Elizabeth was left to the job of keeping the throne in the Tudor family.

Like anyone, she surely desired love and romance but she knew that marriage would have led to a man coming in, taking over, becoming the King, and acting like he owns the entire country she’d inherited just because of his insipid penis.

Oh penile domination, how many countries will you tear asunder until your demonic hunger for power is satiated?

Close your eyes, 3.5 students.

Picture a young, hot Queen Elizabeth.

She’s in one of those gigantic dresses rigged up with a series of iron bars, ropes and pulleys to make her ass look scrumptiously fat.

Her hair is done up so high it touches the ceiling.

Her face is coated with a thick slathering of milky white, lead based paint.

She’s hip.  She’s cool.  She makes all the hearts of men at court go pitter patter.

But she sends them packing.  She bides her time. She’s not going to give up that royal booty to just anyone.  She’s waiting for a true love she can trust not to take her throne from away from her.

It was the late 1500’s people.  Men just weren’t as cool with working women as they are today.

Alas, time moved on for Queenie.  She got old.  “Her plumes were plucked.”  She lost her looks.

Men are such visual beasts so ruler or not, few men were willing to get busy with an old broad with plucked plumes.

And so, Queen Lizzy poured her heart out into this poem, lamenting the loss of men she’d told to get lost back in the days when all the men of the realm wanted to get their grubby mitts all over her royal badonka donk.

Moral of the story, 3.5 students?

If you’ve got it, flaunt it…then use your bait to hook a tasty fish before they start swimming out to sea.

Because you never know when your bait will shrivel up, dry out and leave you with an empty hook.

Class dismissed. Throw your poop at will.

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Apr 22 2016
4 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be An Assassin

Yes, your girlfriend is quite fetching.

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I’d make a joke about how she could assassinate me anytime…but I really don’t want to be assassinated.

One might even say if looks could kill…well, hold that thought.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be an Assassin.

10.  Constantly wears a fully body leather cat suit everywhere, at all times…EXCEPT…when you want her to.  When you want her to she just throws on those dumpy old smelly sweat pants you wish she’d throw away. Women.

9.  All of her seemingly minor faux pas may in fact be attempts to assassinate you:

  • Undercooked chicken = bad cook? – Nope. Assassin! (An attempt to assassinate you via food poisoning.)
  • Slippery floor = lousy housekeeper? – Nope. Assassin! (She’s biding her time until you slip and fall to your doom.)
  • Constantly wants to do it = nymphomaniac? – Nope. Assassin! (Please. No woman in a committed relationship has ever actually wanted to do it with her boyfriend since the beginning of time. She’s wearing you out until your heart stops…i.e. she’s trying to assassinate you with her vagina.)

8.  She has a closet full of sniper rifles and is constantly taking them apart and putting them back together.  Always try to stay close to her…for at a long distance, she might assassinate you…through snipery!

7.  You asked her if she is an assassin and she said no.  She lies! Open your eyes, man! Of course an assassin wouldn’t openly admit to being an assassin.

6.  Constantly striking poses that accentuate her assets while holding guns, knives, and other weapons.  She puts the “ass” in assassin, that’s for sure.

5.  Are you an important person? If so, she might be trying to get close to you in order to assassinate you.  If not, then she still might kill you, but that would only be murder. Only rich, famous and powerful people get assassinated. Seriously, get your head out of the clouds and accept the fact that you’re not good enough to be assassinated.

4.  You don’t really have a good story about how you met your girlfriend. It wasn’t at a park while you were both walking your dogs, or at the grocery store when you both reached for the last box of Captain Crunch and instantly bonded. Nope.  She showed up in your bedroom one day with a bomb after one of your enemies put your photo and $100,000 in her secret drop box.  Why are you so oblivious?  Love is blinding you. Of course your girlfriend is an assassin if she has bombs and secret drop boxes!

3.  She’s always sneaking up on you…but instead of giving you hugs…she tries to strangle you with garrote wire.  Don’t buy her nonsense that this is just some kinky sex thing. She’s an assassin!

2.  Your face is always sore when you wake up.  Did you forget to rest your head on your pillow? Maybe…or maybe…your girlfriend was roundhouse kicking you in the face all night…because she is (wait for it) an assassin!

  1.  She’s constantly staring at you with a look of disgust in her eyes. True, this could be inconclusive as all girlfriends do this to their boyfriends, but keep in mind that should could be trying to make your brain explode with the mental powers she developed at the assassin school she attended because she is, you guessed it, an assassin.

EDITORIAL NOTE: Because we live in a stupid world filled with big dummies, Attorney Donnelly advises me to state to you that this post is just humorous fun and in reality it is highly unlikely your girlfriend is trying to assassinate you. However, should you develop a reasonable belief that your girlfriend is trying to assassinate you, do not confront her about the situation directly. Rather, report the matter to the police or your nearest government authority in charge of disrupting the activities of assassins.

Don’t live your life based on jokes made on a dumb blog for 3.5 readers, weirdos.

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Apr 20 2016
1 Comment
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist

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It’s the discipline that provides the answers to our most vexing questions about the world we live in. Ironically, with every question scientists answer, new inquiries pop up every day.

Most scientists are reputable members of the community, dedicated to following strict rules and procedures.

However, there are some scientists who dare to dabble in the depths of depravity that few are willing to tread.

As part of his penance for “accidentally” causing a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown last summer, Dr. Hugo Von Science has assisted the Bookshelf Battle Blog in creating this list of the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist:

10. Foreplay consists of him dropping his pants and shouting, “IT’S ALIVE…IT’S ALIVE!”

9.  His home decor consists of:

  • Beakers filled with foaming potions, bubbling brews, and other strange concoctions.
  • Giant switches that require you to strain yourself just to flip.
  • Tesla coils. So many tesla coils.

8.  Wears a white lab coat everywhere.  Dinner? Lab coat. The opera? Lab coat. The lab? Lab coat.

7. Never takes his goggles off, even when his eyes aren’t in danger of being stabbed, exploded, poisoned, scratched, electrocuted, or otherwise harmed. You’ve never even seen his eyes before because he was wearing those goggles when you met him.

6. Hobbies include: snorkeling, horseback riding…and threatening world leaders to turn over their treasuries to him lest the world be destroyed by his latest invention.

5.  He borrowed your credit card. This month’s bill includes charges for:

  • Giant moon laser base
  • Enormous Drill Capable of Reaching Earth’s Core
  • Nuclear Warheads
  • Lab Monkey Food

The moon laser base, enormous drill, and nuclear warheads didn’t strike you as odd but it seemed unusual to you that lab monkey food could be charged to your credit card so easily.

4.  His laugh starts out slowly, quietly. Then it builds…and builds…into a maniacal crescendo.

EXAMPLE:

YOU: And then my co-worker Rachel said, “Forget the giblets, I’ll take the whole turkey!”

YOUR MAD SCIENTIST BOYFRIEND: Ha.  Haha.  Ha ha ha…HA HA…MUAH HA HA HA HA!!!

3.  You’ve grown so accustomed to the sound of explosions coming from your basement that you’re able to sleep right through them.

2.  Has a well-organized brain collection in his lab. Labels include:

  • Monkey brain
  • Sheep brain
  • Cow brain
  • Dog brain
  • Cat brain
  • Caveman brain
  • Alien brain
  • Sasquatch brain
  • Missing Link Brain

NOTE: We don’t want to tell you how to live your life but it is highly suggested that you run if you ever see a jar marked, “Ex-girlfriend brain.”

  1. You came across a file on his desk marked, “Build My Own Girlfriend Project.” Realized that might be how you got here. Come to think of it, you don’t have any memories beyond last Tuesday. Decided not to question it.
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Apr 18 2016
4 Comments
Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 82

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“Oof!” was Doc’s cry as he doubled over to clutch his stomach shortly after Miss Bonnie sucker punched him in the gut.

“You dirty spy!” the redhead said.

“Spy?” Doc inquired as he righted himself. “Oh no, madam. You have me all wrong. As a citizen of this fine country, I simply had a business matter to discuss with the marshal. I had no idea I would end up walking into a display of your torrid affair.”

“Doc,” Slade said. “How did you escape?”

“Outfoxed you, dear boy,” Doc said. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all can’t be Harvard men.”

Doc found himself on the business end of Miss Bonnie’s finger as it wagged an inch away from his face.

“You better keep your stinking trap shut about this you damn dirty zombie or so help me…”

Doc turned an imaginary key in his mouth and mimed throwing it over his shoulder.

“I assure you, my good woman, my lips are sealed vis a vis your transgressions,” Doc said.  “It had not occurred to me that the two of you were canoodling in secret but as the bible says, ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone.’ I, of course, cannot.”

Slade tried a less violent approach.

“Doc,” Slade said. “We’re about to take the battle to Blythe.  Sarah’s already a wreck. Now is not the time to…”

“Not another word of it, please,” Doc said. “You have nothing to fear from me. Marshal, I too have long been a patron of practitioners of the world’s oldest profession so it does not surprise me that you have taken a shine to the vivaciously alluring Miss Lassiter as opposed to the chaste and pure Widow Farquhar.  Two women to choose from.  Would that we could could all have such problems, eh old boy?”

Doc nudged Slade with his elbow in jest but the move did not go over well.

“I’ve had about enough of you,” Miss Bonnie sneered.

“Oh Miss Lassiter, you misunderstand me again,” Doc said. “I’m simply saying in my own experience, I prefer the company of prostitutes because they are, despite their lowly status in society, some of the most honest women around. Every romantic relationship will inevitably cost a man dearly in some manner. At least ladies of the evening have the common courtesy to demand cash on the barrel head as it were.”

Slade noticed that Miss Bonnie was fuming.  “Doc, you may want to quit before she slugs you again.”

“Quite right,” Doc said.

The trio awkwardly looked at one another.

“Isn’t this cozy?” Doc asked. “The three of us warming ourselves by a fire.  And rather ironic, when you think about it, that the two of you require my assistance in containing the effects of your immoral doings while as it so happens I too require your aid in a most delicate bit of business, Marshal.”

“What?” Slade asked.

The good doctor handed over the documents he’d drawn up and the Reverend’s quill pen, dripping in ink.

“Your signature, if you please.”

Slade took the papers and looked them over.  “What is all this?”

“Oh, you’ll find everything in good order,” Doc said.

Upon reviewing the second paper, Slade’s reaction was the same as the Reverend’s. “This is a lie.”

“Is it?” Doc asked. “Or is it a little white lie? Little white lies make the world go round, good sir.  People don’t need to hear the absolute truth. They just need to hear what they wish the truth to be. Little white lies such as, ‘Yes Grandmother, I find your cooking to be superb’ even though it is rubbish or ‘No, Miss Farquhar, I do not recall seeing your betrothed inhaling the face of a known prostitute…”

“I quit that,” Miss Bonnie said.

“Did you?” Doc asked. “Well, buck up and get back to it my dear, for as they say, ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.’ No one likes a quitter.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Miss Bonnie said as she took the papers away from Slade and looked them over. 

“Is this for real?” she asked Doc.

“Indubitably,” Doc replied.

Miss Bonnie handed the papers back to Slade. “You should sign it then.”

“Indeed,” Doc asked. “All I require is for a public official in good standing to sign as a witness.”

“I’m not the marshal anymore,” Slade said.

“Yes,” Doc said. “But if you’ll notice, I took the liberty of dating these documents two days ago, back before you tendered your resignation. Although, for all we know, you may very well still be the marshal. I doubt very much given the current zombie crisis your resignation will be processed through the proper channels anytime soon, if at all.”

“Back dating a document?” Slade asked. “Doesn’t seem very honest…”

Slade instantly recalled what Doc had walked in on him doing and took the pen.  Doc turned around to offer his back as a makeshift writing desk and Slade signed both papers.

“Yes,” Doc said. “You scratch my back and I shall scratch yours.  Oh, that does feel good…”

The marshall forked over the papers and pen.

“Thank you, my good man,” Doc said. “You have my gratitude and if I may, I should very much like to aid you in escorting Miss Lassiter and company to the livery. From there, Annabelle and I shall make our departure.”

“Do you really love her, Doc?” Miss Bonnie asked.

“Indeed,” Doc said. “So rare is it in this world that two people with a consummate understanding of one another’s strengths and weaknesses join together that when such a match is found it must be nurtured, as one would a tiny sapling until it becomes a majestic sequoia.”

Miss Bonnie was baffled. “So…yes?”

“Yes,” Doc said as he folded the papers and placed them in his coat pocket. “Oh, and Miss Lassiter, one more thing. Some time ago, I saw you make quite a trick shot with a derringer in order to break up a squabble amongst roughhousing ruffians in your establishment.”

“What about it?” the redhead asked.

“I wonder if I may be so bold as to ask for it,” Doc said.

“I don’t know,” Miss Bonnie replied. “It has some sentimental value for me.  Besides, I don’t remember where I…”

Doc interrupted. “It’s for Annabelle to use to shoot me in the head should I become a full zombie.”

“Now I remember.” Miss Bonnie hiked up her skirt, fished the piece out of her garter belt, and handed it over.

“Isn’t this grand?” Doc said as he accepted the minuscule weapon. “Friends helping each other?”

“It sure is,” Miss Bonnie said. “I hope Annabelle uses it in good health.”

“Oh, Miss Lassiter!” Doc said as he chuckled. “You are a card!”

Slade and Miss Bonnie watched Doc walk back into the church.

“He’s still an asshole, right?” Slade asked.

“The biggest ever,” Miss Bonnie replied.

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