Tag Archives: scifi

Apr 02 2017
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Movies

Movie Review – Ghost in the Shell (2017)

Naked ScarJo!  Naked ScarJo!  Naked ScarJo!

Now that I have your attention, BQB here with a review of the sci-fi film, Ghost in the Shell.

OK.  I fibbed.  Scarlett Johansson isn’t naked in this movie.  Here’s how I assume the conversation went down at the studio:

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – Can we make a movie where Scarlett Johansson runs around naked for half the entire film?

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #2 – Yes, but it would be classified as a porn.

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – Hmm.  OK.  What if Scarlett Johansson is a robot and runs around in a flesh colored body suit?  She wouldn’t technically be naked because as a robot, she wouldn’t have nipples, or a butt crack or a cooter?

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – PG-13 – Bring the teenagers!

Ahh, so much controversy and hype over this long awaited film.

Allow me to answer your questions…or my questions…since no one is asking questions.

QUESTION #1 – What the hell is this movie about?

Excellent question, me.  This film is based on a popular Japanese franchise (gotta be honest, I’m not hip enough to be able to tell you for sure if it was a comic book, anime cartoon, or both, though I’m leaning to comic book).

ScarJo stars as Major, a Japanese government agent with a synthetic body controlled by a human brain.  She is the result of an experiment by the Hanko Corporation, an effort to put a brain into a robot and represents a hope that the technology that made her will eventually keep all humans from dying – i.e. their brains can just be put into robots when their bodies wear out.  If her brain is a “ghost” or remnant of a human, and the body is a “shell,” then she is the…wait for it…ghost in the shell.

There’s a villain taking out the scientists who made her.  She must investigate with the help of her trusty sidekick Batou (Pilou Asbaek), a muscle bound, bleach blonde weirdo.

Question #2 – Was it a dick move to cast ScarJo, a honky, in the lead role in a film that takes place in Japan, especially when in the original, the character is Japanese?

Yes and no.  I can see both sides.  By the way, I can say “honky” because I am one.  That’s OUR word!

THE ARGUMENT FOR YES – There are so few lead roles for Asian actors/actresses as it is.  A few years back, an Asian actress would have loved to play the female lead in Aloha, but instead, for reasons yet to be explained, Emma Stone was cast as a Hawaiian.  Earlier this year, Matt Damon saved the Great Wall of China.  And now, ScarJo, who is pretty much the female lead in like, everything, is cast in a part that would have made an Asian actress’ career.

Plus, although the film takes place in Japan, there are honkies, honkies everywhere!  It’s a veritable honky fest.  Though there are a number of Asians in the film, there’s only one who has any considerable amount of screen time.  That’s Takeshi Kitano, by the way, who plays the gruff and grizzled Aramaki, the leader of Major’s unit.

So while I could understand the argument of, “Hey, the studio is dumping a shit ton of dough into this movie so they want a lead actress with a proven track record of putting butts in seats,” I don’t understand why more of the supporting cast couldn’t have been Asian.

THE ARGUMENT FOR NO – I believe, in a subtle, understated way, the film does provide an explanation as to why the lead character is a honky.  There’s even an explanation as to why there are so many honkies running around Japan.  I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, so maybe I can get into this after the movie’s been out for awhile.

QUESTION #3 – Is the movie any good?

Also, yes and no.

THE ARGUMENT FOR YES – Its colorful.  The special effects are amazing.  The fight scenes are dazzling.  It raises a lot of interesting questions about the future of humanity.

THE ARGUMENT FOR NO – There were a lot of times where the film feels like a discount version of Blade Runner.  All of the giant holographic billboards are a dead giveaway.  Also, the plot is confusing.  There are some parts where the film drags and others where it moves quicker than I would have liked it to.  I was left puzzled by a lot of things, yet not caring enough to expend the brain cells necessary to sort it all out.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  I liked it, though the only reason why I would watch it again is to see a technically naked ScarJo.  Maybe in the sequel, they can give her nipples, a butt crack, and a cooter.

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Mar 31 2017
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Video Game Rack Fighter

Video Game Rack Fighter’s Mass Effect: Andromeda Journal – First Thoughts

By: Video Game Rack Fighter, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Video Game Correspondent

 

Hey 3.5 nerds.

Video Game Rack Fighter here, taking a break from Car Thief Mayhem to talk about Mass Effect: Andromeda.

This go around, a contingent of space travelers have left the Milky Way in search of greener pastures (and planets) in the Andromeda Galaxy.

I’m only an hour or two into the gameplay.  My initial thoughts:

  • I’m not as big a fan of the character face/body customization options this time.  In the last game, I had my own version of Shepard that I used in all three games.  This time, I couldn’t really make one that I liked so I just went with the default.  I admit it could be that I’m too impatient to work with the options until I find one I like.
  • I do like that you get a twin.  I don’t know for sure but I assume this is for those folks who wondered what they were missing out on when they played Mass Effect as male or female Shepard.  (Were you missing out on FemShep if you were ManShep and vice-versa?)  You can make the twins the same sex, but why not dip your toes in both waters?
  • I’m mildly concerned that there hasn’t been much of a chance to shop or visit space stations or make friends or hump anyone.  These were the most fun parts of the original and they must be reproduced here.

What say you, 3.5 readers?  Are you playing?  What do you think?  I’ll keep posting my thoughts as I move forward.

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Mar 29 2017
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Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – How Do Aliens Have Sex?

By: Alien Jones, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Intergalactic Correspondent

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Greetings Earth losers.

Alien Jones here, only don’t tell anyone I’m here, for I’m deep undercover in the back quarter of Troobalax, posing as a knockoff brassiere purchaser in the hopes of apprehending an intergalactic female undergarment forgery ring.  I must say, of all the wild goose chases the Mighty Potentate has sent me on, this one takes the cake.  I may have finally found a gig that comes with less respect than babysitting Bookshelf Q. Battler in his ridiculously long quest to publish a novel.

By the way, do you know that there are some alien species that have up to five hundred breasts?  That’s a lot of underwire.

Today’s question comes from one of BQB’s 3.5 readers, a Mr. Carlton Stumperfish of East Kramperblatt, South Dakota:

Dear Alien Jones,

How do aliens have sex?  Please explain in painstaking, excruciating detail and provide multiple examples if possible.  I swear I am only asking for scientific purposes and I’m not pumping a bottle of Jergen’s into my hand as we speak.

Sincerely,

One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers

Lies!  I can see into your bedroom with my high-powered x-ray telescope and you’re reaching for the motion lotion as we speak.  You sir, are not only a pervert but also a liar.

Close your eyes.  You don’t deserve to read this information.  The rest of you 2.5 readers may gladly read on in the name of sexual science.

A loaded question if there ever was one.  First, does my species have sex?  No.  My beings and I are clones who have evolved past the need for sexual organs.  Thus, without the need to constantly find something or someone to hump, we have had plenty of time to pursue a wide variety of subjects, thus making my home planet the most important planet in the universe when it comes to scientific achievement, cultural achievement and so on.

As for other species?  Yes.  Yes they do it.  And how.  A sampling of the most interesting sexual practices I’ve encountered in my many years:

  • Porthons – Large, beastly, buffalo-like creatures who charge at each other at a rate of over two hundred miles per hour.  When they collide, the cause a sonic boom that knocks the glass out of every building within a fifty mile radius.  Alas, Porthon isn’t a very developed planet when it comes to real estate.  However, the residents don’t seem to care as they are too busy making sonic booms.
  • Zenfenians – These beings are so fast that they can literally be doing it right in front of your eyes and you wouldn’t even know…because they are so fast.
  • The Gukfar – the Gukfar are proud beings, totally reliant on thousands of years of tradition.  The mating ritual begins when the female performs, “The Dance of the Ample Egg Pouch,” followed by thirteen and a half weeks of shouting, “Nonny, nonny, boo boo!”  The male then goes on a vision quest for seven years and only returns when he has found a musical instrument played by a tribal elder.  He then uses it to slay no less than ninety-seven lizards.  He roasts their flesh, then drinks a tea that puts him in a deep trance.  The woman’s father then seeks the permission of the tribal council to allow his daughter and her suitor to bump uglies.  Permission is only granted if the father can guess the number the council is thinking of.  He must win the best two out of three.  Finally, when the stars are aligned, the female may put her egg sack on display.  The male then dumps a heavy layer of Tabasco sauce on it and well, you can imagine what happens next.
  • Zebatars – They can have sex with their minds.  Beware, if a Zebatar is looking at you funny, he may be having his way with you.  Then again, he could just have bad gas.

All in all, there are 12,034,234,653,827,029,469,235,555,888,999,235,701.5 known sexes in the universe.  Kind of makes you humans with your paltry two types of private parts seem like slouches, doesn’t it?

Obviously, that’s too many types of genitals to discuss here, but needless to say, never offer to shake an alien’s hand.  Sure you might be shaking a hand or you might be shaking, well…you know.

Now if you’ll excuse me, 3.5 readers, these bra criminals aren’t going to bust themselves.  Punny.

Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.

Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.

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Mar 26 2017
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Movies

Movie Review – Life (2017)

Ryan Reynolds.  Jake Gyllenaal.  A murderous space amoeba.

BQB here with a review of Life.

Our tale begins on a happy note.  The crew of the International Space Station has received a sample of soil taken from Mars and returned via a probe.  It contains what seems to be a great scientific discovery, namely living bacteria – proof that life exists beyond Earth.

The crew seeks to study this life form but alas, said bacteria has other ideas in mind.  It’s essentially a high paced monster movie in space, as the crew try to save themselves while also trying to keep the life form from reaching Earth.

One observation is that this is really an ensemble cast.  Reynolds and Gyllenhaal are the two most recognizable stars, but they don’t drive the focus or action of the film.  Crew members Sho, Miranda, Kat, and Hugh (Hiroyuki Sanada, Rebecca Ferguson, Olga Dihovichnaya and Ariyon Bakare, respectively) all get their chance to shine.

Reynolds of Deadpool fame is snarky as always.  One day I’d like to hear the story of why a good looking dude (I’m not gay it’s just an observation) still tries so hard.  Handsome/beautiful people tend to coast on their looks – in my opinion.  Yes, I am discriminatory against the beautiful.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Worth a trip to the theater.

 

 

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Nov 11 2016
2 Comments
Ask the Alien, Uncategorized

Ask the Alien – Help Bookshelf Q. Battler Save the World – 11/12/16

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

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Greetings Earth Losers.

Before I begin, I’d like to say congratulations to America for concluding its presidential election.

You may have thought this election was tough. In fact, it reminded me of the Flaknarkian election of 29292929 for the position of Illustrious Poobah.

The Flaknarkians are a walrus shaped people.  The male candidate was an elderly walrus with outlandish hair and the female was also an elderly walrus but she had a penchant for falling down all the time.

Hmm…come to think of it, there wasn’t a lot of difference between that election and yours.

Anyway, if your candidate prevailed, congratulations. If your candidate lost, my condolences.

But whether you are happy are sad by the results of this election, fear not, for it is meaningless, as the Mighty Potentate will most certainly take control of your wretched planet at some point anyway.

You may recall that some time ago my supreme overlord, the Mighty Potentate, declared that Bookshelf Q. Battler is the chosen one, the only writer capable of putting out a book so finely crafted that it would inspire the masses to give up on reality television altogether.

It’s been over a year and alas, BQB has yet to publish a novel.

Ergo, to prevent the spread of reality television across the cosmos, His Potentosity is planning a hostile takeover of your planet should BQB fail in his writing efforts.

In other words, start getting used to the idea of being ruled by the Mighty Potentate because it doesn’t look like BQB will ever get his ass into gear.

But you can help BQB and in so doing, save your planet from the Mighty Potentate’s potent potential.

All you need to do is follow BQB on one of the following time wasting social media sites that aliens invented to cause all of you dumb humans to grow dumber, fatter, lazier and more obnoxious and angry about literally everything.

Oh wait. I’ve said too much.

BQB on Twitter

BQB on Facebook

BQB on Wattpad

BQB on Google Plus

BQB is an especially Twitterer.  In fact, he Tweets as much as your incoming president but he is not as orange.

BQB checks in on Facebok and Wattpad regularly but has been letting Google + slide, though he needs to get back to it soon.

So follow him and then once he writes his book you can help him promote it and in effect, save the world from the Mighty Potentate.

In the meantime, if you see BQB screwing around on this pitiful blog, tell him to get his back ass to work on his novel, for the fate of the world is at stake.

Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.

Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.

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Oct 14 2016
4 Comments
Movies

Star Wars – Rogue One Trailer #2

Hey 3.5 readers.

New trailer out for Star Wars: Rogue One.

We learn a bit more, namely, that the heroine’s father is somehow the inventor or some kind of major player in developing the Death Star.

We see a little more of Darth Vader and all in all it is some kind of Star Wars espionage spy thriller movie.

It does look like more effort was put into the plot than past films.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Oct 05 2016
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Perrin Briar – Three Zombie Series and Counting

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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It’s too bad the Americans and the Brits split up.

Sure we’ve got our differences.

They love tea. We love soda.  They love crumpets. We love donuts.

But we both love zombies…or at least love to read about them.

Last year, BQB dialed up across the pond and talked to Perrin about his love of everything zombified.

Check out that interview here.

And don’t forget to check out Perrin’s latest:

Skip: An Epic Science Fiction Fantasy Adventure Series (now available on Amazon.)

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Sep 08 2016
9 Comments
TV Reviews

TV Review – Battlestar Galactica (2004-2009)

“All of this has happened before and will happen again.”

Umm…except no matter what, my site will only have 3.5 readers before and again.

Seriously, it’s like shouting into the deepest reaches of space here!

I just hope if a Cylon gets me its the Tricia Helfer model.  Awooga!

BQB here with a review of Battlestar Galactica.

Just so that we’re all on the same page here, I’m talking about BSG that aired on the SyFy channel in the 2000s, not the 1970s original where the actors wore capes and the cylons looked like tin cans and shit.

This show was a real coup for sci-fi nerds.  After all, it isn’t like anyone was really clamoring for a remake of the cheesy 70s version, but series rebooter Ronald Moore delivered and delivered big time.

Twelve colonies, all named after the astrological signs, are filled with humans who work together under one government.

Alas, the cylons (robots run amuck) blow shit up big time.

In a surprise turn of events, Laura Roslin (Mary McDonnell) becomes the president as every other head of state above her dies.

Thereafter, Admiral William Adama (Edward James Olmos), at the command of Battlestar Galactica, leads a convoy of ships filled with humans on an epic search for the mythical lost planet known as “Earth.”

You might have heard of it. You’re sitting on it, dummy.

Along the way, there’s political intrigue, backstabbing, sex, violence, and the constant fear that someone in the ranks might in secret, be a damn traitorous cylon as, what a twist, Cylons are able to take human form now.

Did I mention that the Cylons chase the humans all over space? Cy-douches if you ask me.

Over the years, SyFy has given us such wondrous films as Sharknado and Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf.

In other words, you sort of get the impression that they phone most of their shit in, but somehow, everyone involved with this show was firing on all cylinders. Why they haven’t been able to recreate this success before or after is beyond me.

Add to the mix the exploits of space fighter pilots Lee “Apollo” Adama aka the admiral’s son (Jamie Bamber) and super hot nerd fantasy girl Katee Sackhoff as Kara “Starbuck” Thrace and you’ve got a great show.

Honestly, the show could have introduce Katee Sackhoff to the world and stopped there. She’s built a career on starring in sci-fi nerd movies/shows ever since and I hope she never stops.

Oh, and there’s James Callis as the duplicitous scheming super weenie Dr. Gaius Baltar who, we learn early on, basically helped the Cylons destroy humanity through his douchebaggery and then somehow he must hide this info from his human compatriots throughout the series or be thrown out the airlock.

Yup.  Somebody was always getting thrown out that airlock, often at the behest of grumpy Cylon hater Colonel Saul Tigh (Michael Hogan.)

I hate to say it, 3.5 readers, but this isn’t available on Netflix at present.

However, you can check it out on Hulu and if you’re a sci-fi space geek, it is worth the subscription fee, even if you just decide to subscribe until you’ve binge watched the whole thing.

And it is binge worthy. There are many cliff hangers and ongoing arcs, plot points you can’t help but want to see resolved.

And Moore and co. are creative in taking pieces of our earthly world and implanting them in the BSG world with the suggestion that the culture we experience now has its roots in this ancient space faring group of explorers.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Jul 30 2016
5 Comments
Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Star Trek: Beyond (2016)

Space.  The final frontier.  Damn, it’s big and shit.

These are the voyages of the Starship SPOILERPRISE.

BQB here with a review of Star Trek: Beyond.

J.J. Abrams’ third Star Trek movie is out.  This go around, Kirk and Co. get lured into a distant nebula, ambushed and stranded after crashing on a desolate planet run by the evil alien Krall.

The crew has an artifact Krall wants in order to do evil shit…and they fight and shit and that’s about it. I’ll let you watch and fill in the details on your own.

I applaud J.J. because he seems committed to honoring the spirit of the old show/movies even though the 35+ crowd that Hollywood typically doesn’t give a crap about is the only demographic that would care.

Sulu’s totally gay and homage is paid to the late Leonard Nimoy, as well as to the original cast.

Sorry to give this spoiler but at one point a photo of the original cast is shown from the 1980s/1990s movies when they’re all in their 50’s and are wrinkly and gray haired and shit.

Millenials, old people used to look like that and they let them into movies anyway.  Now they just botox the shit out of themselves until their 95.

Idris Elba is great as Krall.  Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban and everyone turn in great performances.

There are times when it almost feels like they’re parodying the original show.  Karl Urban’s impression of Dr. “Bones” McCoy is just too good.

There are attempts to appeal to us ancient folk – we’ll be ancient dust particles by the time Kirk comes around.  Alien Jaylah (Sofia Boutella) for example, enjoys rap music.  As she explains, she “likes the beats and the yelling.”  The other characters note that it is considered classical music.

I wonder which of our hits will be considered classics in Kirk’s time?

Kirk also rides a vintage motorcycle against the aliens – a move that might have been campy but since it was done right, it worked.

I enjoyed it.  Honestly, I think the second one in this series (the one with Benedict Cumberbatch as Khan) was the best of the three.

This one has it high points but there’s something about it – maybe by now we’ve all come to know these new versions of the original characters.  Maybe the plot wasn’t as involved as the other films – I don’t know.

I’m not saying it was bad. I just think the second was the best and this one didn’t top it. But it is still worth your time.

Very sad about Anton Yelchin’s tragic accident.  Yelchin played Chekov in all three of the new movies including this one.

Nothing reminds me of the fragile nature of life than when a celebrity dies before his/her movie comes out and there I am, sitting in the audience, watching that person larger than life on the big screen yet in my mind I’m thinking “Oh, sigh, that person sadly isn’t with us anymore.”

Finally, just an observation.  All the evil aliens are ugly.  All the nice aliens are – well I’m not sure if “hot” is the right word lest I get accused of having a thing for aliens but all the nice aliens are pleasant looking.

Krall for example has a permanent angry glare and his henchman aliens all have sharp teeth whereas heroine Jaylah is basically just a hot chick who had some designs drawn on her face with magic marker.

Therefore, the plight of stereotypical ugly typecasting exists even in space.  In the next film, I demand that the crew have an officer who is a hideous alien with sharp teeth. #OscarsSoPretty

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Jul 22 2016
9 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion With BQB – Star Trek

Happy Friday 3.5 Readers.

The new Star Trek movie is out today, so I’ll ask, what is your favorite Star Trek episode or movie?  The original, the Next Generation, all the other shows, movies, etc.

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