The Mighty Potentate here, commanding you to address your inquiries to my emissary, Alien Jones!
“What’s in it for me?”
Ah yes! The first thing any human asks! Right after, “Can I take a selfie?”
Ask the Alien a question, and if he likes it, he’ll plug your books and blogs in his answer on this most irreverent of sites, bookshelfbattle.com
BQB will tweet it with his @bookshelfbattle handle and on his Google Plus page.
18 authors assisted so far.
Will you be next?
Do not allow the vile forces of reality television to win! Help Bookshelf Q. Battler push his and your fiction to keep all of our collective televisions free of absurdly produced, low quality unscripted programming such as:
1. Tuba Wars – Have you got what it takes to be the best tuba player in the world?
2. Falafel Truck Nightmares – A leading falafel vendor helps others bring their falafel businesses up to speed.
3. Narwhal Makeover – The ugliest half-whale/half-unicorns (they really exist!) consult with beauty experts.
4. Who Wants to Be a Chicken Wrangler? – Self explanatory.
5. Cooking with Preppers – Have you ever wondered if it’s possible to make a stew out of a boot? Find out.
Don’t be shy, lowly humans. Ask the Alien a question today and Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers can be yours!
Not when you’re as big a fan of that holiday as I am.
And not when you’ve got a big idea in mind.
Today, my main squeeze Video Game Rack Fighter and I took a walk, did some shopping, and we stopped by a fortune teller who’d set up shop and was predicting futures at five bucks a pop.
VGRF talked me into it and, much to my shock, this mysterious gypsy lady with a kiosk next to the Orange Julius stand at the East Random Town Mall prognosticated the following:
That on October 1 of this year:
VGRF, Alien Jones, myself, and possibly The Yeti will take in a scientific demonstration by my mentor, the esteemed Dr. Hugo Von Science.
That Dr. Hugo, through his gross incompetence, will botch his experiment, thus causing a zombie outbreak to sweep over my hometown.
VGRF, Alien Jones, and myself will be left with no choice but to fight our way through the undead hordes until we reach the safety of the Bookshelf Battle Compound.
Perhaps we’ll even come up a cure for the zombie epidemic in the process.
But to get through this, we will need the assistance of 31, count em, 31 Zombie Authors.
ALIEN JONES: Zombie authors?! That’s ridiculous! They can’t even hold a pen.
BQB: No, I mean authors who have written self-published books about zombies. Though, hey, if there’s an actual function zombie who is an author, I’ll gladly talk to him as long as he promises not to bite me.
Every day, as a new part of the story unfolds, a self published zombie author will take a question from a member of our merry band of unlikely heroes.
Questions will mostly come from me, but Alien Jones and/or possibly the Yeti might have some inquiries. Maybe even Dr. Hugo will participate.
I’ve also heard rumors of this thing called “Women’s Lib” so hell, Video Game Rack Fighter will have some questions too.
Examples:
DAY 1 – We need some supplies. Author Fred Fredman of Super Scary Zombie Book, can you tell us the essentials of what a zombie apocalypse survivor needs to fend off the undead masses?
DAY 2 – The Yeti was just bitten by a zombie. Author Kate Katerson of Incredibly Frightening Zombie Book, do you know if zombie bites affect animals?
DAY 3 – We’re holed up in an abandoned shack and the TV’s working. Author Annie Annerson of You’ll Crap Your Pants if You Read this Zombie Book! Which zombie movie do you recommend we watch to pass the time and why?
I don’t know. Just some initial questions off the top of my head.
Heck, you non-horror authors could get in on this too. Submit questions you’d like to know about how to survive the zombie apocalypse and maybe one of the members of our survivor party will pass it along to an interested zombie author.
ANTICIPATED QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS IDEA:
1) Just self-published horror authors?
Not necessarily. If you’re a traditionally published zombie author, I’d love for you to participate as well. If you have a zombie blog or are some other kind of zombie writer, let’s talk.
Hell, if you’re George Romero, you can just take the blog over.
2) You do a lot of interactivity on this blog. Why a story? Why not just a straight-up interview?
In today’s rapid information age, anything fun is going to be checked out more than a traditional approach.
Take all the late night talk shows these days.
Long ago, all the stars would just sit on the couch and shoot the bull with Johnny and Ed. It was boring as hell.
We love stars but their stories about their acting method or the lunch they ate that gave them a tummy ache or whatever? Who cares.
Jimmy Fallon does hilarious bits with his guests instead. Be honest. Do you want to listen to Scar Jo babble about how hard it was to pretend to be whoever she just pretended to be, or do you want to see her play a rousing game of “Box of Lies” with Jimmy?
NBC – Box of Lies – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
I loved that. There you go. Scar Jo’s latest movie promoted. I’m left thinking she’s a ball of fun and I wasn’t bored with a story about her acting process.
“Let’s Promote Ourselves with Fun” is what I’ve been going for with Alien Jones’ “Ask the Alien” Column, and that’s what I’m going for with this idea as well.
3) So what are you looking for?
Your choice of length to an answer posed by myself or one of my buddies. I’d say 500 words or so sounds decent, but more if you’re willing.
We could come to an agreement on what question would be best for you. If you have one in mind you want to be asked, that’s possible.
4) Are you going to make me look stupid?
Your books, blogs, reputation as a writer, they’re all important to you, as they should be. I fully understand. Hell, I’ve put so much work into my persona as”Bookshelf Q. Battler,” I’d be unhappy if someone besmirched BQB.
I’d envision the post with:
A) A quick synopsis of what happened today (day of post) with BQB’s friends vs. the zombies.
B) A quick overview of you, the author, including links to your books and or blogs and or Amazon page (or wherever you’re selling them)
C) An answer YOU WRITE that I’m not going to change. They’ll be your words, so you can’t go wrong.
5) I’m still skeptical.
I don’t blame you. I’m a guy claiming to own a magic bookshelf and also that I’m an alien’s friend. It’s understandable that you’d want to kick the tires on this one.
To that end:
A) Alien Jones has had 17 satisfied customers in his Ask the Alien column so far. I’ve never received a complaint from an author who participated yet. Usually they’re pleased enough that they retweet or share AJ’s witty commentary on their own blogs.
B) Alien Jones has a “Don’t Like it and It Gets Taken Down No Problem Guarantee.” If it turns out you don’t like the post, let me know, and it’ll come down. If we can fix it to your liking, that’s great. If not, no hard feelings. I get that writing is a business and you have to do what you have to do. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
But luckily, no author has asked for that yet. And I believe that’s a sign that when you take part in this, you’re in good hands with me and my alien.
6) Keep talking.
At present, I have 1,250 (approx) WordPress followers, 5,400 Twitter followers, and over 500 Google Plus followers. All will be notified of your awesomeness.
7) I’m not one of your 3.5 readers, so I’m not up to speed on your blog and therefore unsure if I could respond to one of your friends’ questions.
No problem. Here’s the lowdown:
Bookshelf Q. Battler = the owner of a magic bookshelf where small versions of literary characters come to life and fight over limited shelf space.
Video Game Rack Fighter = Bookshelf Q. Battler’s girlfriend and author of a video game review column hopefully coming soon, if she ever comes up for air from playing Arkham Knight.
Alien Jones – The Mighty Potentate, ruler of an undisclosed planet, is displeased with the growing popularity of reality television. He’s a fan of scripted media and feels promotion of fiction authors is the only hope to stem the reality tv tide. To that end, the MP has dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to answer questions from self-published authors and in the process, make Earth a smarter place one question at a time. Alien Jones truly believes in this mission, and isn’t doing it just because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to vaporize him if he abandons his assignment before BQB’s writing career is off the ground.
The Yeti – An international war criminal and fuzzy snow monster, The Yeti is currently imprisoned deep in the bowels of the Bookshelf Battle Compound. However, BQB isn’t completely heartless and allows the big lug out once a week to watch Scandal. Alien Jones brings the bean dip.
Dr. Hugo Von Science – A distinguished professor of science at Science University, Dr. Hugo is this blog’s science correspondent and holds patents on over a bazillion inventions. We’re fairly certain he might be plotting a global conquest in his spare time, but his generally goodnatured demeanor covers up his underlying intentions well.
There you go. That’s the blog in a nutshell. It’s a labor of love for me, and it’s enjoyed daily by 3.5 people, one of whom is my Aunt Gertrude.
(There are some subsidiary, occasional characters. Uncle Hardass, the ghost of my grumpy uncle, shows up once in awhile to tell me to give up all of my hopes and dreams of becoming a writer and get a job at the salt mines. The Funky Hunks are a rap group I used to belong to and they show up now and then too. Oh, and a whole slew of tiny book characters live on my magic bookshelf).
Don’t get me started on Bookshelf Q. Battledog.
I don’t believe the subsidiaries will get involved but you never know. 31 days means I need to come up with a lot of ideas to keep a story going.
8) You had me until you said you have 3.5 readers. Doesn’t seem worth it.
“3.5 Readers” is an ongoing, inside joke for this blog. In the beginning, I really did only have 3.5 readers. But I pressed forward and now I have more. Like any blog, I have up days and down days. I’d say on a good day I get anywhere around 30-70 hits.
Views are often double, sometimes triple, the hit count and I believe this is because people who do find this blog like it enough to stick around and read some more.
At any rate, I’ll do what I can to make this a fun, month long Zombie fiesta. On my own, I’m going to be writing about The Walking Dead and the new Fear the Walking Dead and overall, if this works out, it’s just going to be 31 days of zombies.
9) What’s in it for you?
Cross promotion, basically. If you enjoy what you see here, I hope you’ll do want you can to point folks to my ramblings. Not required, of course. That’s about it.
10) So now what?
At this point, I’d just like to get the ball rolling. I’m starting early because to recruit 31 people to respond to a daily ongoing story is going to be like herding cats.
Right now, I’d just like to see who’s interested enough to let me know. If you want in, Tweet me @bookshelfbattle or tell me in the comments here.
You can send me a private message on Twitter too. Just tweet me to let me know you sent it so it doesn’t get lost in the mass of spam I get from folks trying to sell me timeshares, miracle ointments, and **Cough cough*** self published books.
I’d say by mid-August, if I can wrangle enough authors to be interested in this, then I’ll be able to see who’s who, what’s what and come up with better questions that would apply to various authors.
If it’s a go, I’d like to get questions to you late August, or September and have 31 posts in the can by the time October rolls around.
But then again, this could be a dumb idea.
If it fizzles out and goes nowhere, then hey, I tried. You’ve got to try, right?
Feel free to share with anyone you think would be interested. If I see enough interest, I’ll start getting in touch with folks with formal instructions at the end of the summer.
Leave me your thoughts, 3.5.
Until next time, this has been Bookshelf Q. Battler and Video Game Rack Fighter, signing off:
Before he became BQB’s Pop Culture Detective, Jake Hatcher was a down and out boxer forced by the evil Mugsy McGillicuddy to take a dive, thus tanking his chance at the big time, not to mention his budding romance with singer Peaches LeMay.
When Jake tries to escape his past by enlisting, he gets a second chance at the greatness he missed out on when he’s recruited by General George S. Patton, President Roosevelt, and Pre-CIA Agent Carmichael to take on the most daring mission in the history of warfare:
Infiltrate Das Fuhrerbunker and punch Adolf Hitler in the face before an equally skilled puncher sent by the Russians can.
Why? Assassination attempts by his own men have left Hitler paranoid in the final days of World War II. He’s banned all staff from carrying weapons, leaving him the only armed individual in the bunker.
No guns. No knives. Nothing.
Thus, Uncle Sam needs a man whose weapon is his fist.
Is this a viable novel idea? Would you want to read a book about Hitler getting punched in the face?
The first three proposed chapters and outline of the rest:
Hate to do it, you all know how cheap I am, but I’m thinking about opening up the ole wallet and letting the moths fly out to get some banner photos.
What I’m thinking about:
Banner images that could be used as the header photo on this site, plus on Twitter and Facebook.
Probably through 99 designs.
Possible ideas:
1) As you know, Alien Jones and I allow the Yeti out of his cage once a week to watch Scandal. It’s our special Scandal night. The three of us eat chips and dip and talk about Olivia’s latest adventures.
The image would be a nerd to represent myself sitting on a couch between the Yeti and Alien Jones with a TV in front of us.
Should my main squeeze Video Game Rack Fighter also be on the couch? Could be cool, could be crowded. Cuz then, do I have to add Dr. Hugo Von Science, Uncle Hardass and other subsidiary characters?
2) Not exactly Star Wars but a Star Wars – esque poster where a nerd, that would be me, is in some kind of action pose, holding a ray gun or something, Video Game Rack Fighter clutching me….Dr. Hugo and Alien Jones have my back, the Yeti looms large ready to eat me or something.
3) Maybe just my bookshelf with battles going on it. A bunch of books and little characters running around on the shelves attacking each other.
Which one of these ideas do you like and do you have any others, 3.5 Readers?
By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Fuzzy Snow Monster
The Yeti, Uninvited Correspondent/BQB’s Nemesis
Obligatory roar.
What is this, this Facebook nonsense that you pathetic Americans insist on foisting onto the world?
I got on to my super charged Commodore 64 and here’s what I found:
“Oh look at me, I’m eating a burrito for lunch! Let me take 507 photos of it and post them immediately.”
“Oh, yes, my smelly child said something adorable today. Allow me to tell you all about it in excruciating detail.”
“I spent my morning shopping for sandals. Aren’t I the incorrigible one?”
“Here’s my polarizing political opinion. Disagree with me and you are the devil!”
“When it comes to candy, I’m for it!”
“Look, my dog is adorable.”
“Ahh, here’s me with a drink in my hand. I am such a free spirit!”
“PATOOIE!” says this Yeti.
As you non-Yetis are aware, I was from Siberia. (At least I was, until my sworn enemy Bookshelf Q. Battler imprisoned me deep below the bowels of the Bookshelf Battle Compound for my International Yeti War Crimes.
(There was an incident. I tried to take down the Bookshelf Battle Blog to prevent it from spreading awesomeness across the globe. I believe the only forms of entertainment that should be consumed are Olga’s Stewstravaganza and my book, 101 Ways to Ration Your Toilet Paper).
Anyway, Facebook is just another dumb example of evil American capitalist exploitation. Sure, you all laugh and trade pictures of your lives on it, but Zuckerberg will have the last laugh when he uses your info to declare himself Emperor of the World.
Until then, I suppose you could check out Facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler – BQB’s Facebook Page
Like it and you’ll get BQB’s nonsense directly into your feed, though why you’d want to read more of that jerk face’s ramblings I don’t know.
Yes yes, you all have fun on your blogs and social media and so on, living carefree lives while ignoring the plight of smelly yetis everywhere.
All I want to know is how you all share your damn vacation photos and mundane anecdotes all day long without passing out from the boredom.
Want to know how we used to punish people in the Siberian gulag? We showed them our vacation photos and told them mundane anecdotes!
“Muah ha ha! Confess to your crimes against Siberia or I’ll tell you about that Diet Coke I spilled on myself and show you photos of the lasagna I ate for dinner!”
Foolish Americans. The fine videos provided by Paint Drying Media are the only form of American entertainment I like.
The magnanimous mind of Alien Jones here, once again bringing you the knowledge required to raise your planet above its current status as the laughing stock of the Milky Way.
You might have noticed there’s a “Zsa Zsa Gabor” in there. No, I don’t share a name with an aristocratic Hungarian actress of the 1960’s. In my language, “ZsaZsa” means “Peace” and “Gabor” means prosperity. Thus, there’s the old tradition on my planet of saying, “Good day to you, and may much Zsa Zsa Gabor come your way!”
To properly pronounce my name, you’d have to:
Pull out your tongue
Allow another person to jump over it like it was a jumprope
Tie it in a knot
Untie it again and…
Lick a frog
You don’t actually have to lick a frog. I just wanted to see if someone out there would.
Thus, since my name is so difficult to pronounce, I just go with an Earthly last name, hence “Alien Jones.”
Are you a fan of Orange is the New Black? Admittedly, my boss, the Mighty Potentate, is a fan as well. With its mix of humor and drama, not to mention rich character development, His Supreme Fabulousness deems this program to be one more blow against the impending tide of unscripted reality television. Quality fiction is the only thing that can stop the menace that is reality TV from spreading across the universe.
On Marion’s blog, marionstein.net, one can find a number of articles that can help humans improve their intelligence. Thank goodness I’m not the only one devoted to this Herculean effort.
Further, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers can check out Marion’s Amazon Author Page. “Blood Diva” seems like an especially saucy tale, one about a French courtesan turned vampire.
Interestingly, Marion’s author page notes she has a background as a social worker. I view myself as a social worker of sorts. What do I do if not help humans become better people by sharing with them the knowledge of my genius brain?
And believe you me, I do this work because it’s a labor of love on my part, and not, as rumored, because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to shoot me out of a cannon directly into one of my home planet’s many suns if I fail to do so.
Thank you for your question, Marion. Continue to educate the humans with your words. I can’t be the only one on the job.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.
Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
Afraid it’s one of those days where I don’t have much for you at all.
On a whim, I went back and tweeted every Indie Author that Alien Jones has promoted thus far since his Ask the Alien column started in March.
Sixteen so far and another author has already made an inquiry for this Sunday.
Check out @bookshelfbattle ‘s most recent tweets for all the indie book promo goodness.
Alien Jones’ question for you:
Why haven’t you asked the alien a question and gotten your plug yet?
Alien Jones has been on a hot streak. This Sunday will mark 5 whole consecutive weeks of the Esteemed Brainy One answering a question. (He’s answered questions from 16 going on 17 writers, but has sometimes gone a week or two here and there with no one consulting his bulbous brain.)
Can we keep this momentum going?
Ask the Alien a question and get in the cue!
It sure would make the Mighty Potentate happy and the happier the MP is, the less likely Alien Jones is to get vaporized by his boss.
Greetings Earth Losers! A Happy Sunday to you all and thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules of Comic Con Cosplay to read this fine column.
(Sorry, but all 3.5 of you can’t be Daenerys Targaryen. 2.5 of you are going to have to change.)
Huzzah! My favorite Game of Thrones character is doing great and…uh oh.
Speaking of, Bookshelf Q. Battler, a Game of Thrones fanboy if there ever was one, not only plotzed, but passed out and had to be resuscitated by the Yeti when he received this tweet:
@bookshelfbattle I'd like to submit one of my books for battle against a classic….
Yes, that’s none other than Justin Sloan, a writer for Telltale Games, who’s worked on the Game of Thrones video game, as well as Tales from the Borderlands.
He’s an optioned screen writer, a USMC veteran, and a recent guest on the Self Publishing Podcast with Johnny, Sean and Dave:
BQB informs me he enjoyed that podcast thoroughly, because it explains how one author managed to rise above the odds and land a sweet, sweet career as video game writer. You don’t get there without rolling up your sleeves and putting a little elbow grease in, folks, and Justin can certainly attest to that.
(Plus, Dave doesn’t even complain about the lousy service at Target and Olive Garden once in the entire show.)
Teddy Bears in Monsterland
Anyway, long story short, BQB reached out to Justin to inform him he enjoyed his appearance on SPP and Justin, class act that he is, requested that one of his books be pitted against a classic on bookshelfbattle.com
After reviewing Justin’s Amazon Author Page, I, Alien Jones, humble intergalactic correspondent, will now pit one of his works against a classic and decide which one is better.
Teddy Bears in Monsterland vs. Hamlet
Hamlet. It’s considered by scholars of English literature to be the quintessential piece of writing that everyone should read at least once in their lifetime.
It’s routinely assigned in high school English classes and actors believe it is a great achievement when cast in a production of the Bard’s seminal work.
But, it’s severely lacking in the teddy bears vs. monsters department.
I’ve studied the entire play and not once do I see:
POLONIUS: Come come, my son, for your ship doth prepare to embark and thou hast yet to encounter a teddy bear with magical powers.
LAERTES: Fi on thee, oh father! For I hath witnessed many bow tied teddy bears able to harness the power of the supernatural for the purposes of dispatching monsters most foul!
A great oversight on Shakespeare’s part, if you ask me. I don’t know how he wasn’t laughed out of the industry for such an epic fail.
As an alien being with a superior intellect (which doesn’t take much when you’re around humans), I’m fairly certain Back by Sunrise would soundly defeat The Chronicles of Narnia. Really, all a competitor has to do is offer Edmund a piece of candy and he’ll gladly sell out his entire family.
Are you an aspiring scribe? Justin has some books about writing that you might want to check out as well.
Finally, and avert your eyes Game of Thrones fans if you don’t want to read a SPOILER but, come on Justin. Seriously. What’s next for Jon Snow? Is there a resurrection afoot? Maybe the Red Woman works a little hocus pocus? Perhaps a little eye of newt gets dropped into a potion and Jon’s back to his old mopey know nothing self again?
Come on. Spill the beans. The secret will be safe here. Only 3.5 people read this blog anyway, and one of them is Bookshelf Q. Battler’s aunt.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have an inquiry for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle or leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, or other project in his answer.
Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Part 1 – Jake gets a late night visit from Attorney Donnelly. Our resident gumshoe freaks out when Ms. Tsang comes home after midnight with a new beau.
AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…
From the moth eaten pocket of my trench coat, I produced a worn out black and white photograph. It was of yours truly standing next to an Asian couple and their eight year old daughter, a precocious kiddo with a wide smile and pig tails.
I handed it over to Ms. Donnelly.
Susan Tsang, Hatcher’s Secret Niece/Unpaid Landlady
“You’re kidding,” was her reply.
“No ma’aam.”
“So she’s your…who is she to you exactly?”
“An adopted niece of sorts,” I said. “When my first marriage went up in a cloud of smoke and I was given the bum’s rush off the police force, I didn’t have two wooden nickels to rub together. Ms. Tsang’s old man Joe was a buddy of mine in the war. I saved his hide a few times and he was so grateful that he let me use the room upstairs as my office.”
“How old is she in this photo?”
“Ahh let’s see,” I said. “That was actually taken in 1955. Same year I went under for the fifty-nine year nap. She’d of been eight years old I think.”
Ms. Donnelly handed the picture back and I took another look at it.
“Jumpin’ Jehosaphat,” I said. “That little kid who used to run around this place is older than dirt now.”
“I understand the mathematics of it all,” Delilah said. “Technically, you’ve been alive for ninety-five years, but since you never aged past your mid-thirties, it just seems an odd sight to me to watch you lecture a woman who looks like she could be your mother.”
I tucked the photo back in my pocket for safe keeping.
“I surely do miss Joe and Evelyn,” I said. “They were two of the good ones. Let me use that room for years until my private investigation business began turning a profit. I started paying them rent when I was able to afford it. Kind of feel like a heel that I’m not able to now.”
“Perhaps you’ll find a few more clients with pockets deeper than Mr. Battler’s.”
It was a nice thought, but who’d hire a bum like me other than a second rate cheapskate Interwhatever scribe?
“Perhaps I will, Ms. Donnelly. Perhaps I will.”
“You consider her a niece,” Ms. Donnelly said. “Yet you refer to her as, ‘Ms. Tsang?'”
“To keep up appearances,” I answered. “It’s not like I can walk around and tell people this woman who appears much older than I am is like a kid to me.”
“Some advice that you may take or leave at your leisure,” Ms. Donnelly said. “But she’s not a child anymore and maybe you shouldn’t treat her as such.”
Jake Hatcher, Pop Culture Detective/Secret Uncle
“You’re right,” I said. “Hell, she kept this whole restaurant afloat after her parents passed on and took care of me while I was sleeping in the room upstairs for decades, so I should give her a little bit of credit. Still, it’s hard not to worry about her when she’s out on the town.”
“I suppose a parent’s worries never end,” Ms. Donnelly said. “Or an adoptive uncle’s.”
“I trust you’ll keep this tidbit between us,” I said. “I’ve only shared it with you because of your trustworthy character, Ms. Donnelly.”
“Mum is the word, Mr. Hatcher. Mum is the word.”
Delilah stood up, prompting me to do the same.
“If you’ll excuse me, I must be off. I have to catch a two a.m. flight to Monte Carlo.”
“France,” I said. “Wow, Mr. Battler is pulling out all the stops.”
“Business for another client,” Delilah said. “There are people to work for other than Mr. Battler, Mr. Hatcher. You should try it sometime.”
I held the door open for the lady.
“I’m touched that you trusted me enough to share the truth behind your relationship with Ms. Tsang ,” Delilah said as she walked out the door.
A taxi cab was waiting for her.
“Touched enough to grab a bite to eat with me sometime?”
“Not that touched.”
“Of course,” I said. “Good night, Ms. Donnelly.”
“Good night, Mr. Hatcher.”
I waited and watched until Ms. Donnelly was safely inside the cab and on her way before shutting the door and returning to the table.
I picked up the bottle.
“At least you never turn me down,” I said as I poured a shot.
I swigged it back and opened the envelope. A new letter from Mr. Battler.
Detective Hatcher,
A teenage boy. A crazy wild-haired scientist. A limited edition sports car that travels through time when it is driven at precisely eighty-eight miles per hour.
Doc Brown and Marty McFly entertained and thrilled audiences in the three part Back to the Future trilogy. Together, the duo went on an adventure that took them to the 1950’s (which probably doesn’t seem so bad to you), a highly optimistic version of this year, 2015 (will scientists ever figure out how to rehydrate a pizza?) and even to the Old West.
One question the films failed to answer – how the hell did these two know each other in the first place?
I mean, honestly, three movies and not one peep about what kind of a relationship they had.
I’ve got to know, Hatcher. Figure this out.
Sincerely,
Bookshelf Q. Battler
What a segue way. Just moments earlier, I’d been discussing with Ms. Donnelly the nature of my relationship with Ms. Tsang and now Mr. Battler wanted an explanation of the relationship between a teenage time traveler and a mad scientist.
It was so convenient that it might as well have been written for the benefit of an Interwhatever site read by 3.5 readers.
And by the way, 3.5 readers, if you could keep the secret about Ms. Tsang under your hat, I’d appreciate it. I never tell anyone because the last thing I need is for one of the criminals I’ve encountered to use information like that against me.
There are plenty of degenerates out there who are more than willing to hurt a fella’s loved ones just to get at him.
Luckily, only 3.5 people are reading this, so the secret should be safe.
Jake, we really need you to get to Doc and Marty.
Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015. All Rights Reserved.
TO: The Mightiest of Potentates, He Whose Wonderous Nature Provides Smiles and Happiness in All Corners of the Universe
FROM: Alien Jones, Your Humble Servant, Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog
Respectful Greetings, Mighty Potentate! Allien Jones here to report that Bookshelf Q. Battler has reached 5000 followers on the social media site known as “Twitter.”
How Aliens Send E-Mail
As you are already aware because there is nothing our genius species doesn’t already know, Twitter is a communications site that limits the humans to a mere 140 characters.
Lab studies indicate that messages of 141 characters or longer cause the average human brain to implode from confusion.
Surely with this magnanimous achievement, I may now be released from my assignment of assisting BQB with his writing career.
I make this request, oh Exceptionally Macho One, for when I am able to cut loose from this nerd, er I mean, this bold new talent, I will be able to serve you better in your mission to bring peace and prosperity throughout the cosmos.
Why, at this very moment, I could be coordinating the charitable efforts to help the citizens of Lukanamo rebuild their planet after the recent and most devastating hurratyphoonicane.
(I keep advising the Regent of Lukanamo to stop letting his subjects build in hurratyphoonicane zones but does he listen? Noooooo.
@bookshelfbattle has reached 5,000 twitter followers! While an amazing feat, BQB is already drooling over the possibility of reaching 10K. Help him out with a follow. You’ll get more awesomeness and updates about what’s happening at bookshelfbattle.com
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.
Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
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