BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: It has come to my attention that Dr. Hugo Von Science recently attended one of Presidential Candidate Donald Trump’s campaign events, stole a cup the billionaire drank out of, and successfully spliced The Donald’s DNA with that of a zombie held in captivity.
The result? ZOMBIE TRUMP. I thought about reporting this to the authorities but decided it would be fun to just let him review The Walking Dead when the new season begins.
Here, Zombie Trump will catch you up on where the series left off at the end of last season.
Hello 3.5 losers.
First of all, I want to say that being on this goofball website is completely beneath me. Bookshelf Q. Battler, that nerdy dope, should get down on his hands and knees and thank me for giving his pathetic excuse for a website the highest ratings boost it will ever see.
Zombie Trump
3.5 readers? I’ll have this joint swinging with 3.5 million readers when I’m done with it. And will that clown appreciate it? I doubt it. I’d ask for a little nibble on BQB’s brain as compensation but I doubt he has one.
So let’s talk about those survivors from last season. Apparently, I’m obligated to warn you that there are SPOILERS ahead, because for some reason, people get really whiney when their shows are spoiled.
I don’t know why you’re wasting your time with lame zombie shows anyway when you should be checking out the luxurious Zombie Trump Taj Mahal. Try your luck at the craps table, then get eaten and turned into literal zombie crap. Oh and the buffet is all you can eat for $9.99 so really, there’s not a better deal around.
Where’d we leave off?
RICK GRIMES
Look, I know a lot of ladies think he’s hot and handsome but I’m telling you, this guy is a total loser. If you ask me, I’d rather have a Sheriff that can actually bring the bad guys in, not crash his car while in pursuit and end up in a coma during the zombie outbreak when he’s needed the most.
Seriously, how am I supposed to trust this guy to lead when he couldn’t even keep his best friend Shane from slipping his wife the old one eyed salamander?
Last time we saw Rick, he was abusing his authority as a newly appointed Sheriff in the settlement at Alexandria. Beat a guy up because he wanted to get hot and heavy with his wife. Making plans to take the community over if things don’t go his way. Classy? I don’t think so.
Sorry Rick. I wouldn’t hire you to guard the Zombie Trump Golf Course. Eighteen links of pure zombie fun.
CAROL
Yeesh! Look at that face! Is that the face of a woman that you want to see in your zombie apocalypse survivor’s group? I don’t think so.
Oh what? What? I was just talking about her record. She’s actually a beautiful woman.
Although if we’re getting into it, a little bit of blonde hair dye wouldn’t hurt her. Make her up to look like my first wife, Zombie Ivana, or my second wife, Zombie Marla Maples.
But let’s talk about this gal’s record. Killing a kid? Threatening to kill another kid?
Sure she’s able to lull her enemies into a false sense of security by fooling them into thinking she’s just a dowdy old homemaker only to strike when they least expect it, but you know what I’d tell her if she worked at the Zombie Trump Casino Day Care Center?
YOU’RE FIRED.
DARYL
Who is this loser running around on a motorcycle with a crossbow like he’s some kind of hillbilly heart throb? Look Jethro, a shave and a haircut never hurt anyone. I’ll give you the number of my personal stylist. She’s does great work. Just look at me.
GLENN
Glenn, we gave you one simple task. Keep that Noah kid alive. You failed. I know you tried your best but best doesn’t cut it. Sorry, I know this is harsh, but as punishment, I’ve banned you from all Zombie Trump resorts and associated properties.
THE GOVERNOR
Not gonna lie. This man had a lot of moxie. I was sorry to see him go. He was a real take charge kind of guy. Even with one eye he was able to see two or three moves ahead. Best character on the entire show.
He built a wall around his town and if you ask me, building a wall is an idea my fellow zombies and I should try.
My fellow zombies, for far too long we’ve suffered at the hands of these lousy human survivors. We build up our zombie communities and in they come, putting arrows in our brains, taking our zombie jobs. They’re rapists, murderers, and SOME of them, I assume, are good people, but we just can’t allow the influx of doomsday preppers, hillbillies, and other assorted human survivors to invade our territory any longer.
So I propose that we build an enormous wall to keep the zompoc survivors out.
Elect me as President of All Zombies and I assure you on my first day in office, not only will I build a giant wall around all zombies, but I’ll make those loser humans pay for it.
BQB, you’re welcome. You didn’t even deserve an appearance from me on your stupid blog but you got one anyway.
3.5 readers, I don’t know why you’re wasting your time on this nonsense, but let me remind you, I’m going to be reviewing the next season of The Walking Dead right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog and I will tell you this:
IT’S GOING TO BE HUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGE!
I’d eat all 3.5 of your brains but I’d probably go hungry. Mic drop. Zombie Trump out.
Very rarely do I ever get political or controversial on this site.
Actually, I think this would be the first time.
If you haven’t heard yet, Steve Rannazzisi, the comedian who plays Kevin MacArthur on FX’s The League, admitted to lying about being in the World Trade Center on 9/11.
According to news reports, he has, over the years, told a story during interviews that he worked in WTC, was jostled by the plane impact, and was able to leave the building in time to save himself. That “experience” he said, motivated him to decide “life is too short” and to quit his job and head out to LA to pursue his dream of acting.
In his public apology, he claims that he began telling this story as a young man, that his was something stupid he did due to his youth and has long felt bad about it.
This makes me sad for a number of reasons, one of them being, I love The League.
If you’ve never seen the show, it follows a group of friends in a fantasy football league who bring visit all manner of torture upon one another in the name of getting a leg up on their make believe sports game.
I’ll watch the final season because at this point, I’m invested in the show. I’ve always found it to be unique and creative in a sea of just the same.
But after this, I fail to see how Rannazzisi ever works again. Personally, I think lying about being involved in 9/11 is unforgivable but even if more open minded folk than I give him a break, I still fail to see how anyone could watch him in another show or movie and not think, “There’s the douche that lied about 9/11.”
So I’ll be very surprised if his career isn’t over.
Be honest, folks. Lying has always been wrong, and in today’s information age, it’s easier to be caught in a whopper than ever.
Informant Zero here, returning once again with another pop culture mini mystery.
LAST WEEK’S QUESTION: What is Mr. T’s real name?
ANSWER: Lawrence Tureaud. Word has it that Lawrence began wearing gold chains and jewelry while working as a bouncer. Unruly patrons would get into fights, cause trouble, and be ejected. Whenever they accidentally left jewelry behind, Mr. T would wear the items so he could give them to said difficult patrons when they’d inevitably return for them, thus preventing them from entering the club where they would most likely cause trouble again.
Informant Zero here, reporting from my nondescript lair deep beneath the Anything Goes Club.
Through Attorney Donnelly, Bookshelf Q. Battler and I have reached an agreement.
Every Wednesday, I’ll post a Mini-Mystery, a short question about entertainment.
Doing so will allow Detective Hatcher to ramble off course from the questions BQB asks him but still get your inquiries about Hollywood answered.
THIS WEEK’S QUESTION
In the 1980’s, Mr. T was a big brawny fan favorite. As BA Baracus, he was the A-Team’s muscle. Sporting layers upon layers of gold jewelry, he became a cult icon and even had his own Saturday morning cartoon show.
As Clubber Lang, he delivered an upsetting defeat to Rocky Balboa in Rocky III. Rocky learned the hard way that complacency is a surefire path toward defeat.
The mystery at hand?
What is Mr. T’s real name?
Tweet your answers to @bookshelfbattle or leave them in the comments below. I will return next Wednesday to provide the answer and a new mystery.
So long, 3.5 readers and remember:
The truth is not as hidden as you might think.
Do you have a question about entertainment? Whether it’s about Hollywood, celebrity gossip, TV, movies, books, music etc. drop a dime to @bookshelfbattle
BQB might assign it to Jake or Informant Zero, depending on who’s available.
If you’ve got a book or blog, it will be plugged, subject to Attorney Donnelly’s approval.
By: Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Eye
True Dick
The name’s Hatcher. Jake Hatcher. I’m a gumshoe. A sleuth. A shamus. A private dick.
And as of late, a coerced scribe for Bookshelf Q. Battler’s joke of a blog.
Not to put my employer down, but I’ve seen milk cartons with a higher readership.
Let’s take a minute and shoot the bull about TrueDetective. The second second season just wrapped up on HBO and there were more twists than a road designed by a blind man.
I’m required to warn you this review has more SPOILERS that you can shake a stick at.
Trailer – True Detective – HBO
Like most capers, it all begins with a murder.
The City of Vinci. It’s a factory town. Lot of big business, but only a handful of people actually live there. That means the cops and the local government pretty much act with impunity, free to wrangle their devious deals without any oversight.
And like most mysteries, this story begins with a murder. The city manager, a real pervert’s pervert, is put on ice. A special task force is put together to figure out the whodunnit.
It includes:
Rachel McAdams as Ani Bezzerides – Hubba hubba. Even though they try to ugly her up so she looks like a real downtrodden broad, she still makes this gumshoe’s ticker skip a beat. Hell, I still haven’t stopped thinking about how this dame wore the hell out of that dress in Southpaw. Bezzerides’ pops ran some hippy dippy commune and growing up on it made for a tough life.
Tayler Kitsch as Paul Woodrugh – A highway patrolman who takes a bad rap when he pulls over a speeder. Turns out its some floozy actress who puts the frame job on him. She makes a false claim that he tried to get the goodies just to get out of trouble because she’s had one too many run ins with the law before. His bosses put him on the special detail so he can lay low for awhile, but the case allows him to do anything but.
Colin Farrell as Ray Velcoro – a real mean so and so, a drunk bastard to boot. Beats up people at the drop of a hat. I kinda liked him. (Well, except for the corruption part.) Ray’s wife was raped years ago an he turned to mobster Frank Semyon to hand over the perpetrator. Unfortunately, Ray pays for that info with his soul as he ends up becoming Frank’s lapdog for the rest of his life, using his position to further Frank’s criminal interests on account of Frank now having something to hold over Ray’s head.
Frank, played by Vince Vaughn, is a crooked club and casino owner whose duked his way out to the top of the underworld ranks. He’s experienced success late in life and like most folks who’ve had that happen, it’s hard for him to be happy about it. He’s bitter that it took so long and his worst fears are met when he discovers that the city manager had been looting all his money behind his back. It’s up to Frank to find out who the manager was working with.
I’m a straight arrow when it comes to the letter of the law, so I don’t care for it when a bad guy is glorified. However, Vaughn steals the show and the writers try to get the point across that sometimes folks like Frank, born into bad circumstances, see their only way to the top as being a life of crime.
To the show’s credit, it’s also made clear that Frank could walk away at any time and leave the degenerate life behind. His wife Jordan, aka Kelly Reilly, begs him to take the money they have left, forget about revenge, and call it quits, but Frank just can’t do it.
I can relate. My third ex-wife, Connie, often tried to talk me out of dropping the gumshoe game. She wanted to move to the sticks and start a bed and breakfast. I came up with a million reasons why that wasn’t feasible but the real one is that I’d of been bored out of my mind. Sometimes you get to the point where you’ve pummeled so many criminals that you don’t know what you’d do without another one to smack around.
But I digress.
Overall, it was a decent program with a lot of action and intrigue. Also, there’s the occasional bare set of bosoms. It’s not like I try to notice things like that, but I can’t help it. I’m a detective. I notice every detail. No matter how big.
One criticism might be that the plot is a bit convoluted. I watched the whole thing and had to stand on my head and spin before it all made sense. You’ve got land deals, murder, a cold case from 1992, some impropriety in Afghanistan, sometimes it all ties together, though you need a flowchart and a slide rule to figure it all out.
Maybe that’s director Nic Pizzolato’s point. Sometimes the answers to mysteries aren’t handed over all wrapped with a nice shiny red bow.
Word on the street is there have been some complaints that this season wasn’t as good as the last. To that, I’d point out that the idea is that each season rolls with a new group of detectives in a different locale. Thus, each season is like watching a whole new extended movie, so it’s hard to compare one film to another. Just because you really like one movie, aka season one, doesn’t mean the second movie, aka season two was terrible.
They were just different.
Ahh, Rachel McAdams. What a foxy broad.
Jake Hatcher is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s Pop Culture Detective, sworn to solve 100 pop culture mysteries. Sometimes he even shares his own tales of daring do in LA’s seedy underworld. If you have a pop culture question, put Jake on the case. Tweet questions to @bookshelfbattle or leave them in the comments.
The magnanimous mind of Alien Jones here, once again bringing you the knowledge required to raise your planet above its current status as the laughing stock of the Milky Way.
You might have noticed there’s a “Zsa Zsa Gabor” in there. No, I don’t share a name with an aristocratic Hungarian actress of the 1960’s. In my language, “ZsaZsa” means “Peace” and “Gabor” means prosperity. Thus, there’s the old tradition on my planet of saying, “Good day to you, and may much Zsa Zsa Gabor come your way!”
To properly pronounce my name, you’d have to:
Pull out your tongue
Allow another person to jump over it like it was a jumprope
Tie it in a knot
Untie it again and…
Lick a frog
You don’t actually have to lick a frog. I just wanted to see if someone out there would.
Thus, since my name is so difficult to pronounce, I just go with an Earthly last name, hence “Alien Jones.”
Are you a fan of Orange is the New Black? Admittedly, my boss, the Mighty Potentate, is a fan as well. With its mix of humor and drama, not to mention rich character development, His Supreme Fabulousness deems this program to be one more blow against the impending tide of unscripted reality television. Quality fiction is the only thing that can stop the menace that is reality TV from spreading across the universe.
On Marion’s blog, marionstein.net, one can find a number of articles that can help humans improve their intelligence. Thank goodness I’m not the only one devoted to this Herculean effort.
Further, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers can check out Marion’s Amazon Author Page. “Blood Diva” seems like an especially saucy tale, one about a French courtesan turned vampire.
Interestingly, Marion’s author page notes she has a background as a social worker. I view myself as a social worker of sorts. What do I do if not help humans become better people by sharing with them the knowledge of my genius brain?
And believe you me, I do this work because it’s a labor of love on my part, and not, as rumored, because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to shoot me out of a cannon directly into one of my home planet’s many suns if I fail to do so.
Thank you for your question, Marion. Continue to educate the humans with your words. I can’t be the only one on the job.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.
Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
Welcome to July on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, where it’s going to be Pop Culture Mysteries all month long.
Next up – Hatcher takes a break from pop culture and solves a modern day mystery in 2015. A stick-up gone bad leaves a liquor store owner pushing up daisies. Will our resident gumshoe crack the case?
Tomorrow on Pop Culture Mysteries: The Wrong Guy.
Got a Pop Culture Mystery? Tweet your questions about movies, music, TV, books, celebrities and entertainment to @bookshelfbattle and he’ll dispatch his attorney, Ms. Donnelly to deliver your inquiry to Detective Jake Hatcher.
Copyright (c) 2015 – Bookshelf Q. Battler. All Rights Reserved.
Does this mean by Jon Snow action figure goes up in value?
Quite a surprise ending for Season 5, wasn’t it?
I’ve finally processed my grief and am now able to talk about it but first, let’s talk about real life.
That’s right. I’m talking about the life outside of Game of Thrones, the one without the dragons, or the Khaleesi, or the epic battles or a functionally alcoholic dwarf who manages to save the day despite his ennui.
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”
That’s an old cliche, isn’t it? It holds up though. So many of us work our little butts off. We toil away, we make goals, figure out the steps we need to take to work towards them and do what we can to achieve them.
Sometimes things work out for us. Other times, and usually more often than not, we fall flat on our faces.
3.5 readers, who among you has locked up your emotions with a significant other you trusted not to screw you over? Surely, at least one of you convinced yourself your girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, partner, whatever was “the one” and you built your life around said individual.
Maybe you were planning to get married or hell, maybe you DID get married. God, maybe you even brought kids into the world with this person. Or maybe you didn’t. Maybe you just walked around telling your friends and family what a reliable, dependable person this guy or gal was.
Then one day…boom! Gone.
POSSIBLE BREAK-UP LINES USED ON YOU:
It’s not you, it’s me.
It was you all along.
I hate your face.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.
TEXT MESSAGE: U IZ DUMPD
TWEET: #UIZDUMPD
FACEBOOK: You’re dumped. Here’s a funny cat video I hope will help you get through it.
Forget relationships. Maybe you’re career aspirations did not go how you planned them. You went to college, selected a major, gained useful experience and boom! You’re riding the pine on the ‘rents’ couch because the economy stinks worse than a wookie during mating season on Kashyyyk.
Maybe everything did go right. Maybe you did find that awesome job and that awesome significant other.
Maybe one day you’re walking across the street, you’re thinking, “Wow, everything sure did work out for me and OH NO! A damn Mac Truck just ran over my face.”
Life. Whether it’s romance or careers or dreams, there’s just no guarantee of success and everything can go turn to crap in an instant.
Now, add in the dragons, and the sword fights, and the Khaleesi and you have Game of Thrones, a fantasy show that is as close as a program can get to real life and still feature a red headed witch with the ability to push smokey ghost assassins out of her cooter.
Attorney Donnelly preemptively apologizes to anyone offended by my use of the word “cooter.” Also, please read Pop Culture Mysteries. I’m pretty proud of that one.
In real life, there’s what you wanted to happen AND what did happen.
I, your illustrious blog host Bookshelf Q. Battler, will now analyze the past season/final episode with through those two points of view.
SPOILER WARNING!!!! DON’T READ IF YOU DON’T WANT ANYTHING SPOILED!
GAME OF THRONES – HBO – SEASON 5 TRAILER – THE WHEEL
THE BIG SURPRISE – JON SNOW
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN – Jon Snow to continue into the next season as the man standing between Westeros and the White Walkers.
WHAT DID HAPPEN – The Night’s Watch turned on their leader in a big way.
Jon Snow was named Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch this season. His men grumbled about his decisions but they also gave every indication of, “Well, this is a military organization so we have to follow orders even when they piss us off.”
Jon grew so much this season, moving from dopey pretty boy to battle hardened leader. He made a tough call with the Wildlings.
The Night’s Watch Brothers are understandably unhappy with the decision to save the Wildlings. These are people who have killed several brothers as well as innocent bystanders – men, women and children. Sure, the Wildlings’ reasoning is, “Hey! You put up a big ass wall and locked us out of the Kingdom!” but the justification is, “Of course we did! You guys are a bunch of aholes and are basically snow covered Dothraki!”
SIDE NOTE: The genius of the books/series is that nothing is ever black and white. George RR provides reasoning and justification for why every characters acts the way that they do, even the worst ones. Their actions aren’t necessarily right, but you’re left with an understanding of the events that led to a person becoming an evil jerkface.
I get that no character is safe but so much was built up around Jon snow:
You know nothing – Am I the only one who thought all of those, “You know nothing, Jon Snows” would eventually lead to a big reveal where Jon Snow would learn something, whatever it was that he was supposed to know?
Jon Snow’s Mother – (Possible Big Spoiler) – In the first season, we learn that Ned brought baby Jon Snow back to Winterfell, a bastard he had with some allegedly random hussy because while he loved Cat and all, he thought he was going to die during Robert’s Rebellion so he might as well get a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side and woops! We won the war! Guess Ned has some ‘splaining to do.
Ned tells Jon he’ll fill him in on his mother one day. Will we ever find out who Jon’s mother is now? Will it matter if/when we do?
There’s been a long bandied about theory (POSSIBLE BIG SPOILER!) that Jon was not actually Ned’s kid but rather, was the love child of Lyanna Stark (Ned’s sister betrothed to Robert Baratheon) and Rhaegar Targaryen, that Lyanna wasn’t actually kidnapped but in fact, she ran away willingly with Rhaegar and as a Targaryen, Jon had the closest link to the throne and Ned felt the need to protect his nephew from Robert by claiming him as a bastard, even if that meant enduring Cat’s constant, “Waah waah Ned cheated on me while he was at war” complaints.
Is that theory possible? Who knows now but here’s a question – was noble Ned really the cheating type?
This is what George RR does and does best. He builds up our hopes and dreams. Like Lucy from Peanuts, he holds that damn football. Like the gullible Charlie Brown, the dumb audience comes running up to kick that football and then bam, George, like Lucy, pulls that football away. He does it every time and we keep watching because in many ways, those big shockers make for thrilling television.
GRRM did it with Rob Stark, when the Young Wolf won battle after battle against the Lannisters only to be gutted at the Red Wedding. He did it with Prince Oberyn when we were led to believe that the Viper had bested the Mountain only to gloat just a little too early. And now he’s done it with Jon Snow.
Sure, Jon’s untimely demise made for a big “HOLY CRAP” moment but whether or not it pans out as a good decision for the series remains to be seen. After all, we invested a lot in Jon Snow. Aside from the Khaleesi and Tyrion, he was pretty much the last good guy worth rooting for.
Sam’s a fun character but will it be as invigorating to watch him stand between Westeros and the White Walkers? Will we cheer on the Night’s Watch when they betrayed their Lord Commander? Seriously, other than Dany, who’s left to like now?
SIDE NOTE: In keeping with the GOT = Real Life argument, keep in mind at this point, the more likely outcome is not that Dany swoops into Westeros and saves the day but rather, that the Whitewalkers just take over the entire fantasy world and have a great undead time into all eternity. I can honestly see GRRM taking that approach, can’t you?
CERSEI
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Cersei refuses to confess. Tommen grows a pair and sends the army to retrieve his wife, mother and brother-in-law.
WHAT DID HAPPEN: Tommen reverts to being an indecisive wuss. Cersei confesses, goes on the worst walk of shame ever and still has to undergo a trial anyway.
Cersei’s the character fans love to hate. The running pattern in the show is that she concocts these schemes, thinks she’s so clever and then her plans backfire royally. That happened again this season. By giving the High Sparrow the power of a religious army, she thought she’d developed her own personal hit squad to take out her enemies, namely the Tyrells.
It all backfired when the High Sparrow turned on her and locked her up.
Cersei’s done a lot of bad things to good people (most notably Ned) but on the other hand, that whole “walk of shame” scene was sad to watch and surely it would be a painful experience for anyone to go through.
Hat’s off to Lena Headey. I’m sure walking around in the buff whilst surrounded by throngs of fantasy peasant extras spitting on you, throwing garbage and uh, other substances at you and hurling insults was no easy feet.
SIDENOTE: Remember how Lady Stoneheart was axed from the series, that the idea was a little farfetched? But uh, Frankenmountain isn’t? Clyburn introducing his “creation” kind of blew the end of that very powerful walk of shame scene. The emotion was raw and real and then it went basically went to a Frankenstein monster to defend Cersei’s honor.
JAIME/MYRCELLA – I’m going to rush through this one. I wanted Myrcella to live because, hey, she’s just a kid. Why punish her when she didn’t do anything? Alas, Jaime gets that briefest of father/daughter moments before seeing his offspring die due to Ellaria’s treachery. Prince Doran won’t be happy.
STANNIS/SANSA/REEK/BOLTONS/RED WOMAN
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Stannis ousts the Boltons, frees Sansa. Sansa finally gets to have somewhat of a normal existence where she isn’t a captive or a torture victim.
WHAT DID HAPPEN: As often happens in real life, the bad guys aka the Boltons, won.
Perhaps GRRM’s intent in having Stannis sacrifice Shireen was to turn him from good to bad guy, thus leaving the audience pleased at his defeat.
Stannis started out in the series as the ruthless “win at all costs” warrior, too blindly devoted to the Red Woman, willing to even kill his own brother (through the above mentioned cooter delivered smoke ghost assassin) to get what he wants.
But then Stannis scored points and his stock rose. He was the only one to respond to the Night’s Watch calls for help, bringing his men to save the day during the Wildling attack. He told Shireen that she was a princess and that he had always seen to it that she’d be treated accordingly despite her ailment.
GRRM convinced us. Go Stannis. Kick out the dastardly Boltons. Punish them for their betrayal of the Starks. Save Sansa.
Alas, then there was what happened to Shireen and well, the battle became a conflict between two aholes (Bolton vs. Baratheon) and as often happens in life, you were left tepidly rooting for the lesser of two aholes.
What about Lady Melisandre? Some powerful acting there. She presents herself as the consummate, unshaken true believer in the Lord of Light yet when the audience learns half of Stannis men have fled with the horses, you can see the look of defeat in her eyes.
Here’s a question – would you keep fighting for a guy who cooked his daughter alive? Could that have been a big reason why his troops skeedaddled?
SIDENOTE: Will the Red Woman resurrect Jon Snow? Tough call.
1) We’re not sure if she can. Sometimes it is implied that she’s full of shit. She might have no magic power and all she does is pull creepy sayings out of her ass, throw a few powders into the fire, put on a little show and then she has the patronage and support of a rich royal family. She all but said that in a prior episode.
2) But she might be able do. I mean, hell, the woman did push a smokey ghost assassin out of her cooter, so bringing a dead man back to life should be a piece of cake.
3) Kit Harington, the actor who played Jon Snow, has already said in interviews that Jon isn’t coming back. I mean, that still doesn’t mean it’s impossible but it’s something to keep in mind. (Would an actor say, “Oh yeah! Don’t worry! The Red Woman will bring me back!” if that was going to happen?)
Still, I kind of doubt that’s going to happen.
SANSA AND REEK – Hey um, I’m surprised I’m the only one asking this, but are they dead? They’re pretty much dead, aren’t they?
The show runners were made a point to show the viewer just how tall that damn wall was, that there weren’t any beds of feathers or wagons full of pillows waiting at the bottom, and we even saw a person fall to her death from the inner side so…Sansa and Reek jumped just after Sansa declared she’d rather die than be tortured any more so uh….I don’t know. I fail to see how they’d of survived that fall but we didn’t see any bodies so I guess we wait until next season.
I have to say if Sansa dies it will be yet another, “God damn it. Another character I rooted for taken from me.”
ARYA
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Arya continues her training
WHAT DID HAPPEN: Arya goes blind. I don’t know why. The Faceless Men have rules and she broke them.
THE KHALEESI
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: I wanted a damn explanation as to how the Khaleesi’s buddies survived the Sons of the Harpy attack after being abandoned by their Queen when she went on a dragon joyride. Also, I wanted her to return and continue to lead her army into Westeros, since now, without Jon Snow, she’s pretty much that continent’s only hope.
WHAT DID HAPPEN: The Khaleesi is captured by the Dothraki and this time does not have Khal Drogo to protect her. Hopefully, Mormont and Daario will find her in time.
But keep in mind, we’re onto your tricks, GRRM. We won’t be surprised if you have the Khaleesi get burned up by one of her dragons or killed by the Dothraki or something.
Hell, just give the Iron Throne to Sam Tarly or Hodor and be done with it.
Real life? You never get what you want and that’s why you never get what you want on this show either.
Bookshelf Battle 