Tag Archives: top ten lists

Apr 07 2016
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist

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“Hey baby, wanna crinkle my foil?”

He seemed like such a sweet guy when you met him.  Alas, it wasn’t until after you fell for him that he started checking your purse for radio transmitters.

Ladies, is your man living in constant fear of “The Man?”

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist:

10.  He owns a vast selection of tin foil hats, which he maintains prevent the government and/or aliens from reading his mind.  You’re not able to stop him from wearing his tin foil baseball cap out in public, but he’s not unreasonable.  He has agreed to stop wearing it backwards once he turns thirty.

9.  It isn’t easy to take him to a dinner party.  Your friends want to talk about movies, music and gossip.  He wants to talk about how Hitler and Bigfoot worked together on the JFK assassination and that this would be common knowledge were it not for the fact that the news media is controlled by a race of worm people disguised as human journalists.

8.  You can’t park your car in the garage.  He has it filled with a set made up to look like the Moon in an effort to prove that the Moon landing was a fake.

7.  Never takes you anywhere nice anymore.  Too busy writing a blog filled with nonsense for the benefit of 3.5 readers.  (I know what you are thinking but BQB is not a conspiracy theorist.  His tales about aliens, yetis and the zombie attack on East Randomtown are entirely true.)

6.  Once in awhile he pokes you in the shoulder for no reason other than to make sure you aren’t a hologram.  The Man, as he will explain, has been known to infiltrate the operations of those who are onto him by enlisting the aid of hologram girlfriends.

5.  Never goes to the doctor.  Convinced all doctors are trying to put a spy camera in his butt.

4.  All dates need to start an hour early so he can sweep your car for bugs, listening devices, and crumbs.  The first two are signs of lunacy.  The last one?  Well, that’s really your fault, you slob.  Stop eating donuts in the car.

3.  You’d ask him how his day was, but it is getting harder and harder not to dump him every time he swears that he is “so close” to proving that Elvis didn’t die but rather left to rule over a benevolent race of half-man/half-lizards who will one day land on Earth and show us the path toward inner peace.  So, you know, he’s not all doom and gloom.

2.  Bonus:  It’s easy to get him to do chores around the house.  Just point out to him that the government might think something is up if they see him just lying around doing nothing and that he’d better start taking out the trash and washing some windows to trick the Feds into thinking everything’s hunky dory.

  1.  Saves your toe nail clippings in the hopes of cloning you when the aliens take you away to toil in their intergalactic mines.  Is this psychotic or sweet?  You be the judge.  They’re your toe nail clippings, after all.
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Apr 06 2016
16 Comments
top ten lists

I Don’t Want to Be Sexist

Ladies, what are you worried your boyfriend might be?

I think I have the possibility that your boyfriend might a zombie covered but other than that, let me know what else you think your man might be.

Maybe I’ll just give everything up and keep writing top ten lists.  The top ten lists seem to have me on my way to gaining another 3.5 readers.  Seven readers – hooray!

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Apr 05 2016
3 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady

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Video Game Rack Fighter Cat – Official Pet of BQB’s Better-Half

Pets.  They bring joy to our lives and only ask for food, water and the ability to poop and barf all over our rugs, furniture and priceless possessions in return because they are dirty disgusting little bastards.

Hey, no one threw you out that one time you pooped on the sofa (you know you did it) so you can give your furry friend a break for the occasional accident, right?

But what if it is two furry friends?  Or three furry friends?  Or fifty-eight furry friends?!

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady:

10:  Wherever she goes and whatever she set out to do, she never fails to come home with an extra cat.  Trip to the store for milk?  New cat.  Dentist appointment?  New cat.    Went to the movies?  New cat.  Westminster Dog Show?  New cat.

9.  No matter what you do in the house, you run the risk of a cat falling and landing  on your head.  Open the cupboard for your breakfast cereal.  Cat lands on your head.  Open the closet to get a new shirt for the day.  Cat lands on your head.  Open the desk drawer to find a pen.  A cat jumps up into the air and then…lands on your head.

8.  You went to the doctor for a bad cough.  X-rays indicate your lungs are 90% hair.

7.  You buy those pet hair rollers with extra stickiness by the case.

6.  You’ve become skilled at the 10-K hairball hork dash.  (When a cat begins to make horking sounds and you pick it up and run it outside before it can puke all over the rug.)

5.  What am I saying?  Your girlfriend is a cat lady.  You gave up on the rug years ago.  That rug is 5% carpet fiber and 95% puke.

4.  You have enough litter boxes in the basement to fill the Mojave three times off.

3.  And for some reason, even though she wanted all the cats, you’re always cleaning the boxes because, I don’t know, women’s rights or some shit.

2.  They take turns sleeping on your face.  She says it is because they love you but you are pretty sure they are using their pillow like bodies to smother you in your sleep.

  1.  There’s probably a joke about pu%&y to be made here, but you’ve heard them all before…because your house is filled…with so many damn cats.

 

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Apr 05 2016
1 Comment
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Young Adult Novel Heroine

 

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Tessa Fireswarm – YA Novel Protagonist/Attempts to Destroy BQB’s Magic Bookshelf Often

If you’ve been one of BQB’s 3.5 readers from the very beginning (my condolences to you for that is precious time out of your life that you will never get back) then you’re aware one of the characters living on BQB’s magic bookshelf is none other than a tiny version of Tessa Fireswarm, protagonist of the Arrowblast series.

What?  Up your nose with a rubber hose, Suzanne Collins.  Tessa is a true original.

Wait.  This just in.  Attorney Donnelly informs me that Tessa is a parody.  Whatever.  Just no one sue me please.

Anyway, when Tessa isn’t busy attempting to blow up the other characters living on BQB’s magic bookshelf in an ongoing war for shelf space, she occasionally advises BQB on the Young Adult genre.

Here now, with Tessa’s help, are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Young Adult Novel Heroine:

10.  She can never decide between you and some other dude because you’re both so perfect and dreamy.  Fear not because eventually one of you will do something douchey to make her decision a cinch.

9.  Always wears black but oddly is not a goth.

8.  Has never served in the military, engaged in combat, or even fired a gun before.  Miraculously, still capable of overthrowing a cruel dictatorial regime set against the backdrop of a futuristic dystopia.

7.  Politicians, generals and other heads of state are always interrupting your dates to consult her about every little thing.  Talk about rude.

6.  Her family has bought the farm courtesy of the evil dictator, thus motivating her hatred of whatever oppressive regime you happen to be living under.  But hey, look at the bright side.  No in-laws to drive you nuts on the holidays.  Am I right? (What?  Too soon?)

5.  Her life’s story sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie except the adults are replaced with kids.  Creepy!

4.  Whenever she tells you her life’s story, she drones on and on.  You don’t have the heart to tell her that she could cut it down into one book.  In fact, you have a sneaking suspicion that she’s going for the trilogy.

3.  Has a special power.  Expert marksmanship.  Telekinesis.  Magic.  Whatever her power is, it’s not “making sandwiches for boyfriends 101.”  (Psst, women don’t have that power in the real world either so get used to it, kids!)

2.  Zombies or zombie-like creatures seem to get crowbarred into her adventures for no other reason than hey, people like zombies!

  1.  Whatever war she’s fighting, she didn’t want to start it, but she’ll end it.  Try not to let her warrior skills make you feel like a girly man.  (Even though, yeah, they kinda do.
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Apr 03 2016
4 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja

Female-Ninja-Silhouette-800px Ninjutsu.  The ancient Japanese discipline that weaves martial arts, guerrilla warfare, espionage and clandestine assassination tactics into one lethal practitioner.

If a ninja wants you dead…you won’t know until you are dead.

But if you are dating a she-ninja, you won’t know until you consult this list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja:

10.  Although you think you might be alone, you’re pretty sure you just saw that shadow in the corner move.  Don’t worry.  That’s just ninja foreplay.

9.  You keep finding her nunchucks in your dishwasher.  It’s not that you don’t want to help her out but it just seems rude she won’t pre-rinse the blood off of them first.

8.  Sometimes when you’re alone and in the mood, a fast moving gust of wind will zoom through the window, knock you down, move around, then disappear just as quickly as it arrived.  You’re left confused yet strangely satisfied and in need of a cigarette.

7.  You wish she could be like most women and leave your “Honey-Do” list of chores on the kitchen table.  Instead, you’ve grown accustomed to walking down the hall, minding your own business, only to have a damn throwing knife sail past your eyes.  It ends up pinned to the wall with a note attached that reads, “Take out the trash.  You forgot to last week and it is starting to stink.  Also be a lamb and get my dry cleaning.”

6.  She wins every argument by shooting you in the neck with a blow dart.

5.  Her closet has more black outfits hanging in it than Johnny Cash ever owned.

4.  As a joke, you told her that her butt looks big in those black pants.  As her foot connected to your face in a perfectly executed roundhouse kick, you realized this joke was ill advised.

3.  She runs up the sides of buildings.  You get winded running a mile down the road.

2.  Brings her katana blade on every date.  Refuses to explain why.  You try your best to make small talk but you can still see the handle peaking over her shoulder as it sits in the sheath strapped to her back.

  1. She offered to neutralize your enemies.  You explain to her that you’re a peacenik and not really big on “neutralization” but thank her anyway.  It’s the thought that counts.
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Apr 02 2016
2 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch

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Not exactly the nicest thing to call your girlfriend…unless she is one.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warnings Signs that Your Smoochy Poo might be a Witchy Poo:

10.  She’s always green…even when she isn’t sick.

9.  But unlike Kermit, being green is easy for her.

8.  Whenever she leaves, your broomstick is nowhere to be found.  That’s ok though because you weren’t that much of a housekeeper anyway you dirty slob.

7.  You’re not entirely sure water would melt her, but now that you think of it, you can’t recall ever seeing her drink a bottle of Aquafina.  Maybe she’s a witch or maybe she’s just not a dumb ass who is willing to shell out good money for bottled water when the tap is perfectly fine.  (But seriously, if you two live in Flint, Michigan and she doesn’t drink Aquafina then she is a big time witch my friend.)

6.  Her closet contains a wide selection of black pointy hats with belt buckles on them. She is unable to explain what the hell those belt buckles are for.  Seriously, does anyone out there know why witch hats have belt buckles on them?  Belts are for pants you dumb witches!

5.  She steadfastly maintains that Dorothy was the villain in The Wizard of Oz.

4.  Her purse contents include: lipstick, chapstick, hairspray, mints and eye of newt.

3.  Always wins the fight by turning you into a toad.  She eventually turns you back to normal, but your craving for flies never goes away.

2.  She cackles at all of your jokes.  But she’s got a good heart because she even cackles at the ones that aren’t funny.  And most of them aren’t funny.

  1. Whenever she unzips your pants, she invariably cries out, “I’ll get you my pretty!”  You just go along with it because no one has ever called it pretty before.  Let’s face it.  No one else ever will either.  This witch is a keeper.

HONORABLE MENTION

We would have also accepted:

  •  The big ass cauldron in the middle of her living room always distracts you during make-out sessions…especially because you’re totally sure you saw something move in there.
  • Her winged monkeys are so helpful you don’t know how you ever got along without them.  From the remote to snacks, there’s nothing these furry little lackeys aren’t willing to fetch for you.
  • Sometimes she “leaves” then a crusty old hag returns to offer you an apple.  Don’t take the apple.
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Apr 01 2016
2 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Damn Reality TV Star

shutterstock_267550688 And now from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Reality Television Star!

10.  Cameras follow her around wherever she goes, despite the fact that she never does anything relevant or newsworthy whatsoever.

9.  Meanwhile, producers follow you around wherever you go, demanding that you engage your girlfriend in obviously contrived dramatic interactions.  Tell her you have a disease that you don’t really have.  Tell her that her sister is dying when she doesn’t even have a sister.  Tell her a mutual friend that doesn’t exist was just hit by a bus. Just tell her something that sounds totally awful to keep the viewers from changing the channel.

8. That teeny weeny dog living in her purse gets more kisses from her than you do.

7.  When she does kiss you she leaves so much glitter on you that you end up looking like Tinkerbell took a dump on your face.

6.  You’ve grown accustomed to words like “lurve,” “totes” and “bae.”  At least when you’re down, you can always count on a “I totes lurve u 4-eva bae” text.  (If she isn’t busy at da club.)

5.  She drinks enough to drop a Clydesdale, yet somehow manages to looks good in the morning…er, well…in the afternoon…after twenty-five assistants fix and readjust everything.

4.  She has her own fragrance, vodka, fashion line and music album.  Yet somehow, her head will explode if you ask her to read The Cat in the Hat.

3.  You broke the news to her that your doctor thinks you need a colonoscopy.  She wants to know if she can live tweet the whole experience and put the camera feed on periscope.

2.  People are constantly searching the inter webs for nude photos of her.  Stop selling nude photos of her, you pervert.

  1. She argues with you using hashtags:

YOU:  Hi babe.  Sorry I’m late.

HER: #tookyoulongenough!

YOU:  I couldn’t help it.  Traffic was a nightmare.

HER: #tellsomeonewhocares

YOU:  Aww.  Don’t be like that.

HER: #worstboyfriendever!

HONORABLE MENTION:

We would have also accepted:

  • Owns more leopard printed clothing than Tarzan.
  • Ironically, wears less of said clothing, or any clothing really, than Tarzan.
  • Owns enough shoes to outfit a gaggle of centipedes.
  • Selfies.  So many selfies.
  • Tries to look hot with a duck faced selfie.  Ends up looking like Daisy Duck suffering through a yeast infection.
  • She gets a manicure.  It’s a show.  She gets a pedicure.  It’s a show.  She goes shopping. It’s a show.  She stands on one foot and bounces up and down?  It’s a two hour special.
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Mar 31 2016
8 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Russian Spy

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The Russians.

Oh sure, they say they want to be our friends but then as soon as we aren’t looking they kick the Ukraine in the balls and give East Europe a wedgie.

Let’s face it.  For many Russians the Cold War never ended and they’re looking for their chance to spread communism across the globe.

Fellow American men, here are some warning signs that your girlfriend might in fact be a Russian spy:

10.  You asked her if she is a Russian spy and her answer was “nyet.”  Nyet, of course, is Russian for “no.”  This is a clear sign your girlfriend is a Russian spy as an American woman would have responded, “No” or “Shut up and buy me something assface.”

9.  You glanced at her cell phone and noticed she has “Putin” listed in her contacts.

8.  She gets up in the middle of the night, strips naked, opens up the freezer and then just stands there taking in the cold blast.  You could question her about this, but she’ll just give you some bullshit excuse about it being some kind of weird sex fetish.  In actuality, she does this because it reminds her of summertime in her native Siberia.

7.  She can’t name a single player on the local baseball team.  (Note for this to work you need to not be a nerd who doesn’t know a single player on your local baseball team.)

6.  She has difficulty fitting in during social gatherings.  You and your friends always want to talk about movies, music and popular culture whereas she just keeps randomly blurting out stuff like, “Religion is the opiate of the masses!” and “When we hang the capitalists they will sell us the rope we use!”

5.  Ever since she got a look at your fully stocked bathroom she’s been willing to do horrible, unspeakable things in the boudoir in exchange for a roll of two-ply.  “Pass the Charmin” has taken on an entirely new meaning.

4.  You have compared notes with your male friends.  When their girlfriends get mad at them, they get a lecture or the cold shoulder.  When your girlfriend gets mad at you, she slams her shoe down on the counter and shouts, “We will bury you!”

3.  Whenever you ask her where she wants to go on your next date, she invariably replies, “the Pentagon” then asks if you know whether or not they allow flash photography.

2.  She regularly asks if that is a hammer or a sickle in your pants or are you just happy to see her.

  1. You wake up often in the middle of the night to find your neck locked between her thighs, leaving you gasping for air.  You question her about it but she swears she’s just being kinky.  She’s not.  She’s trying to strangle the shit out of you like one of those damn double agent she-assassins that are always trying to kill James Bond.  Oh well.  We all have to go sometime and what a way to go.
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Mar 31 2016
15 Comments
zombies

Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie

shutterstock_142239178From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten Signs that Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie:

10.  She’s been nibbling on your ear a lot lately…but she never did that before.

9.  She wants you for your brains.  No, not the thoughts in your brains.  You don’t have any because you’re stupid. She wants your actual brains.

8.  She bumps into walls more than usual.

7.  You handed her your credit card and shouted, “Free shopping spree on me, baby!” She sniffed said card and upon determining that it wasn’t brains, chucked it her over her shoulder.

6.  She keeps trying to take selfies with other she-zombies but her lips keep falling off whenever she tries to do the duck face.

5.  She looks really mad at you.  You ask her why she’s mad at you and she’s all like, “Grr…argh…I think you know why…grr….”

4.  She asks if her butt looks big in the jeans she is wearing.  You note that her butt fell off weeks ago.

3.  Despite a lack of cognitive functions, she still has the ability to get mad at you about shit you did a long time ago.

EXAMPLE

YOU: Babe, stop trying to eat my brains.

HER: Grrr…argh…I bet you’d let that bitch you were staring at at the club in 2009 eat your brains…grrr…argh…brains…

2.  Also, despite the above mentioned lack of cognitive functions, she still holds you to the impossibly high standards set by Hollywood romance movies.

EXAMPLE

YOU:  Babe, your face is leaking puss.

HER:  Grr…argh…you should still love me anyway…grrr…and you should have better hair, bigger muscles, more money, and a cooler car…grrr…argh…brains!

  1.  Her boobs fell off but you’re pretty sure if you could just figure out how to sew them back on you could make this human/zombie romance work.
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