Tag Archives: twitter

Ask the Alien: The Esteemed Brainy One Checks BQB’s Pre-Zombie Stats

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondentshutterstock_122655487 copy

Greetings Earth losers.

It’s been awhile since I’ve communicated with with my “Ask the Alien” column.

That’s the column where you, the 3.5 readers, can submit a question to me, a representative of a higher species, and obtain not only the knowledge that will flow forth from my genius brain, but a plug for your book and/or blog as well.

And if you’re one of the few humans on the Internet without a book or a blog to hock, don’t worry, I’ll take your inquiry too.

As you may have heard, my Supreme Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, He Who Makes the Seas Rise, the Stars Shine, and the Breeze Blow and I’m Not Just Saying That Because He’ll Vaporize Me, has assigned me the mission of helping Bookshelf Q. Battler build his fledgling writer career.

Why he didn’t just ask me to teach a chipmunk how to build a nuclear reactor I don’t know.  That would have been easier.

Don’t tell the Mighty Potentate I said that.

Anyway, you 3.5 readers would be doing this alien a solid if you’d help in anyway you can/want to in promoting this blog.

Here’s the State of BQB’s Bookshelf as of Sept. 30, 2015:

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: 1,394

TWITTER FOLLOWERS: 6,148 – Follow @bookshelfbattle

GOOGLE + FOLLOWERS:  757 – Follow BQB on Google +

WATTPAD FOLLOWERS – 115 Followers – Follow BQB on Wattpad – His handle is also @bookshelfbattle

FACEBOOK – Likes for BQB’s “Bookshelf Battle” Facebook page are virtually nonexistent, and I personally blame Zuckerberg.  In addition to the Winklevoss twins and that Brazilian kid, you can add a pantsless alien to the list of beings you’ve screwed over, Zuck.

Anyway, let’s push BQB’s Facebook.  Like his page.  If you forget to like it  now, you can always like it later by visiting http://www.facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler

If I make it out of the zombie apocalypse alive, I’ll return with a report on how BQB’s stats have improved as a result of this zombie author interview-a-palooza.

Personally, I’d like to see BQB at 10,000 Twitter Followers, 1,000 Google Plus Followers, and 2,000 WordPress followers by the end of the year.

Mention BQB on your blog, share his links on your favorite time wasting social media site, or tell your friends, if you have any.  Increasing BQB’s stats would certainly get the Mighty Potentate off non-existent butt for awhile.

Don’t tell him I said that either.

Don’t forget authors, I’ll return (if I’m alive) to my regularly scheduled Ask the Alien column in November, so ask away and if it’s an inquiry worthy of my brain, I’ll answer it and promo your book and/or blog.

Esteemed Brainy One out.

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How to Share Quotes from Your Wattpad Stories on Social Media

Hello 3.5 Readers.

I’m noted bloggery expert, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Check this out:

pcm

Yes, that’s a quote from “Pop Culture Mysteries:  Informant Zero.”

Jake crossed paths with a fiendish dominatrix.  She asked him to become her slave, but Jake wasn’t interested, having experienced three previous Mrs. Hatchers already.

Through wattpad, I’m able to share a quote like that on Twitter, Facebook, or a variety of social media websites designed specifically for the purposes of making the populace slow, fat, lazy, dumb, oh and also so that we share all our information so the government can spy on us and read our minds.

I’m not saying you should be worried that the government is reading your mind, but hey, a little tin foil on your head couldn’t hurt either.

3.5 Readers:  But BQB, how do I make one of those fancy quote graphics?

Thank you 3.5.  I’m glad you ask.  You want to make a graphic like this one?

dame

I feel ya,’ Jake.  Video Game Rack Fighter’s always after me about something.  Dames.  I tell you.

Or this one?

Pop Culture Mysteries Quote

Oh Professor Fremont, you slay me with your wit!

It’s simple, here’s how:

  1.  Log into Wattpad on your mobile device.
  2. Pick a word in your story and press your little finger down on it.  It might take a second or so.
  3. The word or words will be highlighted.  At each side of the highlighting, you’ll see a blue dot.  Drag the left blue dot all the way to the beginning of the quote.  Drag the right blue dot to the end of the quote.
  4. When you’re done, you’ll see a little box that says “comment.”  You can select that to comment on the quote if you want.
  5. But we want to actually share that quote, so click on the little quotation mark.  It looks like ”  I hope I didn’t actually have to tell you that.  I worry about your chances in the writing game if I had to.
  6. A photo with the background you provided for the story with the quote superimposed over it will appear.
  7. You’ll then have the opportunity to share it on your favorite time wasting social media surface.
  8. Congratulations!  You’ve managed to cram one more piece of media down America’s already bloated entertainment hole!

This has been your noble blog host, Bookshelf Q. Battler, a poindexter of world renown.

Join us next week when we’ll discuss how to glue your quotes onto rowdy chinchillas and release them into the world to spread news of your brilliance.

Attorney Donnelly just reminded me to point out that was just a joke.  Please do not glue your quotes onto chinchillas or any other animals.  They cannot be trusted.

Don’t forget, you can follow me, BQB on Wattpad or on Twitter with the same handle – @bookshelfbattle

CNITQ2VWEAAbaF2

Oh Jake, you are a cut up!  You’ll have 30.5 million readers in no time!

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Bookshelf Battle Inspires #BookshelfBattles


The “Remembering Barbara Mertz” Blog, inspired by the never-ending wars waged on my magic bookshelf, shared a few pictures featuring “bookshelf battles” involving some of Barbara’s favorite characters.

Barbara was a prolific writer, whose pen names included Elizabeth Peters and Barbara Michaels.

For more info, check out Barbara’s wikipedia page.

If I have to pick my favorite, it’d be this one:

mertz-interiors-009

– Photo from the “Remembering Barbara Mertz Blog.”

Mighty Jabba visits Egypt.  I like it.  And that green pig guard guy (quick one of you Star Wars nerds tell me what those green pig guard guys are called!) looks like something heavy got dropped on him.

SPOILER ALERT – The “guy” with the brown breather mask at the top right is actually Princess Leia in disguise.  Shh.  Don’t tell anyone.

You can see the others through the link above.  There are some “bookshelf battles” inspired by Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, more Star Wars, etc.

Personally, I’ve always been freaked out by Peter Jackson’s interpretation of Gollum.  I left those movies thinking Gollum was going to attack me in my sleep and demand his precious.  But maybe that’s a sign of Jackson’s special effects prowess.

You might remember awhile back, Liam Kozma, another one of my 3.5 readers, tweeted this picture of the North and South battling over the Mason Dixon Line on his bookshelf:

CGW46KCUYAEcden

So 3.5 readers, let me ask you this…

Can this become a thing?

Assemble your favorite toys on your bookshelves and tweet them to #bookshelfbattles and they’ll get retweeted and posted here.

If you don’t have twitter, just put the link in the comments on one of my posts.

What’s that Attorney Donnelly?  Oh right, obviously if your picture is naughty or salacious or something then yeah, it probably won’t meet this site’s stringent criteria etc etc.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #004 – Snubbed (Part 7) (Conclusion)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4   Part 5   Part 6

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

“Where the hell I was I?”

I was all alone, sitting in front of the library’s beep boop machine.

The lights switched off.shutterstock_71510056

“Oh thank God,”  Agnes said.  “You’re conscious again.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,”  the librarian replied.  “You were making me look up Nicki Minaj’s tweets and then you drifted off somewhere deep in thought, humming a song about someone named, ‘Honey.'”

“Ag, wanna help me wrap this mystery up?”

“Library’s closed,”  Agnes said as she pointed to the door, giving me the bum’s rush.  “Time to find a shelter, rummy.”

There was nothing I could do to convince Agnes that I wasn’t just one of an assortment of street people who wandered into the library all day seeking free shelter and wi-fi, constantly harassing her to cater to their every need and whim as if she was some kind of city employed maid instead of a trained researcher.

She handed me a stack of papers on the way out.

“Print-outs of everything else I found on the Nicki Minaj snub,”  the old lady said.  “I still think you need to find something better to do with your time than waste it on pop culture.”

“There’s 3.5 readers who disagree with you, doll.”

I pocketed the papers and shuffled my way out of the building, down the street aways until I found an all-night diner.

“How much for a water, sweetheart?”

“It’s complimentary,” the waitress answered.

“Then keep ’em coming.”

“Wow.  Big spender.”

I laid out the file full of info Agnes printed out for me.

The tacks were brass and it was time to get down to them.

1)  Was Nicki’s “snub” race related?

I understand I’m the wrong color to be saying that race relations have improved over the years.

However, I am the right age.  Though I stopped aging sixty years ago, I’m ninety-five and can tell you there was a time when interracial marriage was a sin, black people were denied access to basic opportunities taken for granted today.

I’ve seen black people shooed to the back of the bus, out of restaurants, chased away with dogs from the voting booth, you name it.

Society kept Peaches and I apart and that will always be a sore spot for yours truly, seeing as how society’s opinion was never asked for in the matter.

But, as an open-minded private dick, I get the flip side.  That folks aren’t openly treated like garbage just because of the color of their skin is all well and good, but the aftershocks of slavery and past oppression are going to be around for a long time.  Will black people ever feel truly welcome in the world?  Are there white people who hold certain biases, some of whom may not even realize it?

The President put it best:

It is incontrovertible that race relations have improved significantly during my lifetime and yours, and that opportunities have opened up, and that attitudes have changed.  That is a fact.  What is also true is the legacy of slavery, Jim Crow, discrimination in almost every institution of our lives, you know, that casts a long shadow and that’s still part of our DNA that’s passed on.  We’re not cured of it.

– Barack Obama on Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast

By the wayside, if any of you yahoos can explain to this gumshoe WTF a podcast is, it’d be appreciated.  All I gather is everyone and their brother has their own show now thanks to the wonders of modern technology.

Did MTV decide not to nominate Nicki for a couple extra awards because of the color of her skin?  Doubtful.

Could Nicki’s complaint be seen as a preamble for a discussion for a greater need for diversity in the entertainment industry?

Of course.

In my day, black singers were considered novelty acts.  Today, they’re widely accepted.

Still, you don’t see as many movies where the protagonist, i.e. the lead guy or gal, the one all the action is centered around, is black.  There’s some, but not many.

You’ll see a lot of supporting black actors.  I suppose that’s progress from my day, where if you were a black actor you were typecast as the maid, the butler, or some hoodlum the cops were rousting.

To paraphrase the Prez’s summation, things are better, but they could also get better.

2)  What about body-type-ism?

Hollywood is all glamour and pizazz.   Heavy on the style, hold the substance.

If you’re fat, or ugly, or you’ve got a crooked nose, or shingles, or a weepy eye, or facial fungus or any host of bodily issues, there’s a better chance of finding you on the Moon than there is in the next blockbuster.

Is that right?  Is that wrong?  Maybe that’s just how the cookie crumbles.

People listen to music and watch the boob tube to escape reality.  Average Joes and Josephines want to pretend their someone greater than they are and it’s hard to do that when the guy or gal on the screen looks like you.

But then again, perhaps that’s an indictment of today’s looks-conscious world, one that assumes the not hot folk have nothing to offer.

I’ve observed this problem since waking up.  You’ve got that Meghan Trainor gal and her All About That Bass song.

Not to scandalize you, 3.5 readers, but as a trained investigator, I’m able to read between the lines and I’m fairly certain “All About That Bass” is double-talk for Meghan’s corpulent posterior.

Therein lies the point.  The gal has an impressive set of pipes and can sing like all get out, but she’s a bit on the chunky side, so she has to address that fact in a song.

If you ask me, people should be able to appreciate a good voice and not give a toot about the size of the singer’s caboose.

To that end (no pun intended), Nicki might be onto something.

I feel sorry for today’s musical entertainers.

Do you know what a singer needed to make it big in my day?  A pretty dress and a fine set of vocal chords.  That’s about it.

I remember sitting in a grand hall, listening to Peaches fill it up, feeling blessed just to have known her.

She didn’t have to wiggle her butt to a beat like Nicki, or put on an Egyptian Princess outfit like Katy, or a meat dress like Lady Gaga or pretend to be an action movie star like Taylor.

Peaches sang.  The audience cheered.  That’s it.

Today, people have more choices on how to be entertained than ever before, and while that’s led to more artists working, the negative byproduct is that it also requires most of them to engage in some kind of goofy gimmick.

Alas, the music gets lost in the pageantry.

I see the manager is about to kick me out for ordering nothing but complimentary water, so I’ll close with a final observation.

Conclusions

It’s all about the evidence, ’bout the evidence, no speculation.

I see nothing that proves Nicki was snubbed due to race or body-type-ism and let’s face it.  Three out of five nominations is nothing to sneeze at.

However, in a world where people are often cast aside because of what they look like, there’s always room for a conversation about how that trend can be curbed.

Personally, as one of the most handsome and modest bastards around, I think that’s big of me to say.

shutterstock_278169329

Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.

All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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@bookshelf = 5,500 Followers on Twitter

3.5 Readers,

Why aren’t you following @bookshelfbattle on the Tweet-a-mob? (as our resident gumshoe Jake Hatcher calls it.)

You’ll get an extra dose of nerd, and once you go nerd, it’s all that you’ve heard.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #004 – Snubbed (Part 3)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1     Part 2

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

It was time to review the evidence.  The tweets themselves.  I stopped by the library in my fancy new ride and asked Agnes to pull them up for me.

This one from MTV stuck out at me like a sore thumb on the hand of man who’s been scratching himself all day:

“I don’t get it,” I said as I stared at the screen of one of the library’s beep boop machines.  “The media’s made it out like this gal was left out in the cold but here a reputable source like Music Television indicates she WAS nominated.”

“I don’t care, Jake,”  Agnes said.  “Music hasn’t gotten any better since Danny Kaye if you ask me.”

I felt a ba-bump in my heart and grinned like an idiot.

“What’s with that look?”  Agnes asked.

“Don’t ever change, Ag,” I said.  “Hell, if your face didn’t look more worn out than the first baseman’s glove during Game Seven of the World Series, I’d propose right here and now.”

“Whatever,”  Agnes said.  “I just wish the city would do something about all the transients who wander in here all day and make me look up nonsense for them.”

I’m pretty sure she was talking about somebody else.

Moving on, I asked Agnes to look up all of the VMA award nominees.  Here’s what I saw:

BEST FEMALE VIDEO

Nicki Minaj – “Anaconda”

BEST HIP HOP VIDEO

Nicki Minaj – “Anaconda”

BEST COLLABORATION

Jessie J + Ariana Grande + Nicki Minaj – “Bang Bang”

“She was nominated three times,”  I said.  “Agnes, can you believe the snow job the press is trying to pull here?”

“Uh huh,”  Agnes said as she pulled up a website called “Jobs-A-Plenty.”

“Let me see if I kind find something for you.”

“Go back to Tweeter,”  I commanded.

“Here we go,”  Agnes said.  “Dishwasher.  Minimum wage.  Will train.  This has your name written all over it.”

“I’m on the job right now, woman!  Will you put the blasted Tweeter-ma-bob back on already?”

“Ugh,” Agnes said as she complied.  “I swear society just doesn’t do enough to help the mentally unstable.”

“There!”  I said, tapping my finger on the screen.  “Right there!”

“So what?”  Agnes asked.  “What is so important about this that you’re interrupting my coffee break?”

This caper had become what I like to call a “Kaleidoscope Case.”  In other words, with every angle, there’s a new point of view.

Some of the ones I’ve heard so far:

  • Minaj is super rich and ultra famous.  Few people ever sniff that rarified air.  A lot of folks who have seen their dreams go bust would love to be in a music video and you wouldn’t hear them complaining about only getting three nominations.
  • Her biggest video is just a bunch of posteriors flapping in the breeze.  (That reminds me, I need to review it again for research purposes.)  Is it really deserving of any award?
  • But then again, she never said she wasn’t nominated at all.  “Nicki Got Snubbed” is just one more example of press hype.
  • What does “different kind of artist” mean?  Is she talking about race?  That she has a little more junk in the trunk than the skinny waifs that dominate the entertainment industry?  Both?
  • Forgetting about the butt content of her video, is it possible to see her tweet as a springboard to a conversation about racial and body type diversity in the music industry?

So many questions.  So little time.  And at the end of the day, I was only going to get five bucks.

I understand the “she’s too rich to complain” argument.

I even get the “Anaconda is just a bunch of butts wagging around and has no artistic merit” argument. (Though I might have to watch it again just to make sure.)

But as for race and body type diversity – I suppose there’s always a need for that conversation.

3.5 readers, you might think things are hunky dory these days, but it’s always a good idea to talk about the past so that it doesn’t get repeated.

Let me tell you about the racism I witnessed in my day.

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5000 Twitter Followers – A Message to the Mighty Potentate

SECURE TRANSMISSION

TO:  The Mightiest of Potentates, He Whose Wonderous Nature Provides Smiles and Happiness in All Corners of the Universe

FROM:  Alien Jones, Your Humble Servant, Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

Respectful Greetings, Mighty Potentate!  Allien Jones here to report that Bookshelf Q. Battler has reached 5000 followers on the social media site known as “Twitter.”

How Aliens Send E-Mail

How Aliens Send E-Mail

As you are already aware because there is nothing our genius species doesn’t already know, Twitter is a communications site that limits the humans to a mere 140 characters.

Lab studies indicate that messages of 141 characters or longer cause the average human brain to implode from confusion.

Surely with this magnanimous achievement, I may now be released from my assignment of assisting BQB with his writing career.

I make this request, oh Exceptionally Macho One, for when I am able to cut loose from this nerd, er I mean, this bold new talent, I will be able to serve you better in your mission to bring peace and prosperity throughout the cosmos.

Why, at this very moment, I could be coordinating the charitable efforts to help the citizens of Lukanamo rebuild their planet after the recent and most devastating hurratyphoonicane.

(I keep advising the Regent of Lukanamo to stop letting his subjects build in hurratyphoonicane zones but does he listen?  Noooooo.

Infinite Respectful Closings, oh Unfathomably Brilliant One.

Your Humble Servent,

Alien Jones.

@bookshelfbattle has reached 5,000 twitter followers!  While an amazing feat, BQB is already drooling over the possibility of reaching 10K.  Help him out with a follow. You’ll get more awesomeness and updates about what’s happening at bookshelfbattle.com

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Ask the Alien – Halfway Through the One Post a Year Challenge

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

"Carry the one, add in the denominator and, hey!  What do you know?  It all still adds up to 3.5!"

“Carry the one, add in the denominator and, hey! What do you know? It all still adds up to 3.5!”

Greetings Earth losers!  No one’s bothered to consult my genius alien brain lately but that’s ok.  I’ve been monitoring your news reports and what with everyone down there on your pitiful excuse for a planet shooting each other every five minutes, I’ve no doubt you’ve all got this shit locked down.  Why bother asking a supreme being for answers when you all know everything anyway?

Sorry.  I don’t speak with emotion so you may not have noticed the sarcasm.

Anyhow, tomorrow Bookshelf Q. Battler will reach the halfway mark of his one post a day for a year challenge.  Yes, you poor people have been subject to BQB’s daily blatherings without a break for an entire six months now.  Either you didn’t notice or you’ve grown numb to the stupidity.

Stupidity?  I meant to say BQB is a genius.  I have to because for some peculiar reason, my boss, the Mighty Potentate, sees potential in this nerd.  That means I have to see potential in him to.

Yes.  Just change his name to Bookshelf Q. Potentialer.

How’s BQB doing now that we’ve reached the point of no return?

Let’s take a look:

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS:

Dec 2014 – 450 approx

Today = 1,069

TWITTER FOLLOWERS: 

Dec 2014 – 2000 approx

Today = 4,586

VIEWS:

As of Dec. 2014 = 4,658

Jan-May 31, 2015 =  12,335

VISITORS: 

As of Dec. 2014 = 3,263

Jan-May 31, 2015= 6,941

YETIS ACQUIRED: 

As of Dec. 2014 = 0 (Considered a good thing

Jan-May 31, 2015 = 1 (A terrible setback)

I’ll hand it to our illustrious blog host.  The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.  I’ve never understood why Earthlings say that though.  Is there some criminal out there who hides all of the evidence against him at the bottom of a gigantic vat of tapioca?

But I digress.  Daily blogging, interacting with readers, social media, etc. has helped BQB put his stats on the rise.  He’s not at the point where he can assure the Mighty Potentate that his writing will distract the masses from the reality television that he despises so much, but it would appear that increased daily improvements, no matter how small, add up over time.

Thank you for your continued support of BQB.  Though I could care less, I can’t really, for the Mightiest of Potentates, He Whose Ganderflazer Dwarves Mine in Comparison, requires me to care.

So care I shall.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Bookshelf Q. Battlestats

MEMO

Statistician Jones

Statistician Jones

TO:  Oh Great One, the Awe Inspiring Mighty Potentate, Who Causes All Beings to Quake in Their Boots

FROM:  Your Humble Servant, Alien Jones

RE: Bookshelf Q. Battlestats

All Hail the Mighty Potentate!  May your ganderflazer’s secretions be copious and frothy until time folds over on itself and the totality of universal existence starts all over again!

As requested, an update on your plan to assist Bookshelf Q. Battler become a successful writer, thus stemming the flow of reality programming that threatens your beloved scripted television.

This Friday, May 15, the Summer of Bookshelf begins.  Through a carefully plan series of hypnotic mind control experiments, I have convinced our noble blog host to provide a summer’s worth of serialized stories, in the hopes that he can find more than 3.5 readers.

“The State of the Bookshelf” as of May 13, 2014:

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: 969 (Ha! 69!  I’m sorry, Mighty Potentate.  I must be spending too much time amongst the humans).

TWITTER FOLLOWERS: 4,326

GOOGLE + FOLLOWERS: 377

It is my hope that this summer will help propel Bookshelf Q. Battler’s stats exponentially. Thus, I have asked the humans to do what they can to help as once BQB manages to figure out how to make folding paper money off his drivel, I shall be able to abandon this bogus assignment.

Err…I mean this wonderful opportunity.  Yes, all ideas that originate in the mind of the Mighty Potentate are joyous and splendid.

Fear not, Mighty Potentate, for I shall report post-summer stats in the Fall.

Your Humble Servant,

Alien Jones

Alien image courtesy a shutterstock.com license.

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A Very Important Yeti Related Press Conference

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  All right then.  Settle down now.  I know you’ve all come to hear the exciting JORNALnews, but there’s no need to act like a bunch of uncouth barbarians, is there?

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the press.

In early March, due to a pathetic performance of his duties, Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog, Head of Bookshelf Battle Headquarters Security, failed miserably in his mission to secure the premises and allowed my arch enemy, The Yeti, to enter.

Upon spying the intruder, I did what any civilized gentleman would do.  I challenged him to a best two out of three roundhouse kick to the face competition.  Whoever landed two direct kicks to the opponent’s face first would be allowed to stay.

The Yeti, who is more intelligent than his poor grooming habits would have you think, made use of a loophole by kicking me in the face with both feet at the same time.  Amazingly, he still managed to do it roundhouse style.  Two feet on my face in one turn allowed him to remain in my compound and take me as a hostage and my abode as his own.

The Yeti, as you may recall, believes that all should leave a bland, boring life – one free of excitement and intrigue.  I, on the other hand, with my witty stories and fabulous posts, spread joy to the hearts of my 3.5 readers everyday.

Don’t believe me?  Just read this review of my blog written by a total stranger I have absolutely never met before:

The Bookshelf Battle Blog doesn’t completely suck.

Sincerely,

Not Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Aunt Gertie

Thank you Stranger Who is Not Aunt Gertie.

Shortly after determining that The Yeti was, in fact, a Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater, I challenged him with another bet.  I wagered that I could get 4,000 followers on twitter.  If I got them, he had to leave.  We never negotiated what he’d get if I failed because, you know, he’s a stupid yeti.

The Yeti, confident that I could never acquire such a cornucopia of followers, took that action.  Today, I am proud to say I have 4000 followers.  4008 the last time I checked.

The Yeti has now been defeated, my honor restored, and Bookshelf Battle HQ is once again secure.

I will now take your questions.

REPORTER #1 – BQB, Joe Fakenamer for Who Cares Digest here.

BQB:  A fine publication.

REPORTER #1 – Now that you have proven that you are, in fact, better in every way than The Yeti, will you cast him out of Bookshelf Battle HQ as promised?

BQB:  No.

GASPS ALL AROUND

BQB:  Joe, we as writers need to be professional and courteous to everyone, even our worst critics.  The Yeti, who once lived in Siberia and shared a tent with three hundred other Yetis, has become used to American culture.  Frankly, he’s a pampered Yeti know and I can’t just send him out on his own.  I will allow him to stay at BQB HQ indefinitely.

REPORTER 2 – Emily Hotchkiss of Woogy Waggy Times here.  What would you say to critics who claim you’re a two-bit hack who just uses “The Yeti” as a prop for when you’ve run out of things to say in during your ill-advised one post a day challenge.

BQB:  I’d say they’re not inaccurate.

REPORTER #2 – Huh?

BQB:  What?

So there you have it folks.  The Yeti will now live in the basement and I will begin the long process of having a team of 1000 hair removal experts remove all of the hair from the remainder of the compound.

Continue to tune in as hi jinx are likely to ensue when two mortal enemies live under the same roof.

Newspaper graphic courtesy of Vasco Soares on openclipart.org

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