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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 12 Interview – Joe McKinney – Legendary Zombie Master

jm

FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

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Bram Stoker award winning novelist Joe McKinney is to fans of zombie fiction what Elvis is to rock and roll.  Simply mention Joe’s name to zombie enthusiasts and they’re likely to swoon and pass out.

If a zombie invasion were to ever go down, Joe could handle it.  After all, in his day job, he’s a Sergeant with the San Antonio, TX Police Department, where he’s a patrol supervisor.  He’s also worked as a homicide detective and a disaster mitigation specialist.

51CTSWUWJzL__SX302_BO1,204,203,200_As if that weren’t impressive enough, he’s also the author of the Dead World series.  The action begins in Dead City.  After a series of hurricanes rocks the Gulf Coast, a zombifying virus spreads to San Antonio, where police officer Eddie Hudson has to brave a zompoc in order to get his wife and son to safety.

Joe’s also the author of the Deadlands series, the latest book of which, The Dead Won’t Die, came out last month on September 29.  In fact, word has it that he’s heading to Atlanta October 16 and 17th for book signings, so if you’re in The Walking Dead territory, you might want to keep a pen handy.

Thanks for taking the time to speak with me today, oh wise zombie master.  My 3.5 readers and I greatly appreciate it.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=JOE

Q.   You got in on the ground floor of a zombie fiction renaissance that began in the mid-2000’s and to date, doesn’t show any signs of stopping.  What is it about zombies that have kept fans of these creepy creatures coming back for more after all these years?

A.   I was on a zombie panel at a horror convention a while back, and one of my fellow panelists was a writer who is generally regarded as “one of the literary elite” sort. I like this guy.  I have a lot of respect for him, both as a person and as a writer.  I’d even go so far as to call him a mentor.  And we’re good friends on top of that.  Well, somebody from the audience threw out a question very similar to this and my friend answered something like this:  “Zombies are a symptom of our self-loathing.  We so hate ourselves and our society that we invent a straw man like the zombie, a monster that both looks enough like us so that we see in its putrefaction how much we disgust ourselves and yet is anonymous enough that we can imagine those who anger us as we fire an endless barrage of headshots at the approaching horde.”

Now, I don’t totally buy that.  I don’t think self-loathing, or even societal loathing, is a strong enough emotion to turn a drive-in movie monster into a cultural archetype.  There may be something to that explanation, especially for the readers who spend too much time arguing about politics on Facebook, but that isn’t everybody.

What about the rest of us?  Why do we love zombies?  Well, aside from the creeping dread that comes with imagining streets filled with the undead and the way really great zombie stories tend to treat the apocalypse like a crucible that distills humanity down to its core, I think the zombie has caught on because it’s a blank page upon which writers and readers can draw anything they want.  What are you afraid of?  Disease; death of the mind, a la Alzheimer’s; societal collapse; or possibly illegal immigration?  You name it, if you’re scared of it, we have a zombie for you.  They are sponges for metaphor.  They can be anything you want them to be, and I believe that that’s their secret storytelling power. 

Q.   On your site, you mention how your daughter’s birth inspired you to follow your dream of becoming a writer, but it wasn’t easy.  You explain how you penned a 1950’s style space opera, came to the conclusion that it was “crap,” and wondered why you were even bothering.  Honestly, in my experience, most aspiring authors stop when they reach the “This is crap!” point, but you kept going and today you’re a rousing success.

For those of us who are convinced our writing is “crap,” can you give us a little pep talk to inspire us to keep going until we hit our non-crappy groove?

A.   Getting started is hard. Really hard.  There are days when you spend a lot of time looking at yourself in the mirror wondering why you’re even bothering.  And when you do finally get your first few pieces out there, there’s never a shortage of nasty trolls to tell you how you shouldn’t have bothered in the first place.  You need a lot of hard work, a lot of bullheaded determination, and a really thick skin.  Oh, and a super harsh inner critic that isn’t afraid to occasionally be a cheerleader.  Like I said, it’s hard.

But it can be done.  And while I can’t tell you the secret of finding that determination you need to get out of your own way, I can let you in on a little secret that will make it easier for you to write that first novel.

First, outline your story, in exhaustive detail, before you ever start thinking of your opening sentence.  It seems like every time I go to a convention, somebody says, “You know, I’ve got this novel I’ve been working on for three years now.”  I usually stop them right there and ask them if they outline or write by the seat their pants.  Invariably, I get some confused rambling about how Stephen King said writers should be pantsers because anything else would stifle creativity.  I usually answer by pointing out that never getting the story written is even more stifling to creativity.  Outline, outline, outline.  It’s the first step to success.  My outlines for novels will usually go 70 to 90 pages and they take me about two months to write…about the same amount of time as the novel itself.

The second part of the secret?  Write a little bit every day.  Don’t listen to the stories of Ray Bradbury writing Fahrenheit 451 in 9 days, or Robert Louis Stevenson writing Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde in 3 days.  You don’t need that kind of self-abuse.  What you do need is a manageable word count that you promise yourself each day.  When I started out, that promise was 500 words a day.  These days, it’s 1,500.  But you have to work up to that.  You have to start with digestible chunks and gradually build up from there.  Remember: How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time!

Q.   “Write what you love” is one piece of advice you mention on your blog.  Specifically, you hit your stride when you realized that after growing up on a steady diet of monster flicks, the zombie apocalypse genre was right up your alley.

So in other words, aspiring writers should just be themselves and stop trying to be something they’re not?

A.   Yeah, pretty much. One simple lesson I try time and again to convey is that if you want to be interesting, you have to be interested.  What that means is that you have to love what you’re writing about.  I don’t mean simply loving zombies, so you write a zombie story.  I mean loving the life of being a cop with a family, and so you write a zombie story about a cop trying to fight his way home to his family on the first night of the zombie apocalypse.  You’ll see the same love in every writer you read, both the great ones and the hacks.  The point is that writing is all about getting your inner joy out there, even if the mood in which that joy conveys is tragic.  Simply put, if you don’t love it, nobody else will either.  It doesn’t matter what you’re interested in.  If you are crazy cool madly in love with ladybugs, and you write a murder mystery, or a romance, or a horror novel, or a science fiction space opera about how cool ladybugs are, your chances of successfully connecting with an audience just went up about ten thousand percent.  We don’t care what your interest is, just that you convince us that you love it, and that we should too…through your characters!

Q.   “Write what you know” is a phrase often heard in the literary world.  As a police officer, you know law enforcement procedure and it shows in your writing.  For example, when I discovered that Dead City involved a series of hurricanes, it didn’t surprise me to learn that you worked as a disaster mitigation specialist.

How else have you drawn on your police experience to bring greater detail to your writing?  And should aspiring scribes go out and get some experience in something, anything before they put pen to paper?

A.   Well, I have to be careful about that. My department has specific rules about writing for publication that prohibit me from writing on cases I have personally worked on and cases that have yet to be adjudicated.  You can imagine why.  Imagine being a rape victim.  You somehow work up the courage to report the rape, and you spend the afternoon pouring your soul and anger and all the rest of it out to a detective.  Now imagine that detective turns around and sells your story to some magazine somewhere.  Imagine the outrage and violation you would feel.  I take my oath as a cop very seriously, and that trust is a bond I will never break.

Still, I get quite a bit of mileage from the things I’ve learned on the job.  Being on the job you learn a lot about human nature, and that definitely helps with writing.  It also helps with creating a unique niche for my writing.  Lots of horror utilizes police procedure, but grudgingly, because most writers lack any firsthand knowledge of it.  Writers will create situations where the police have to make an appearance, and then they’re forced to tap dance until they find a reason to get rid of the police.  I see it all the time.  I don’t have that problem, though.  I would definitely recommend that all writers develop some kind of skillset like that, be it beekeeping or pot making or anything, really.

Q.   You hold a Master’s Degree in English Literature.  For anyone out there hoping to break into the literary world, do you recommend such a formal course of study?

A.   It worked for me, but I’m just one voice shouting in the wilderness. I know hundreds of writers, and they come from every profession imaginable.  Some are butchers; some are call girls.  Some are beekeepers; some are college professors.  Some are cowboys; some are stand up comedians.  One writer I know owns a barbeque restaurant in New Braunfels, Texas that serves the best braised beef short ribs you could possibly imagine.  It really doesn’t matter what your background is.  What does matter is that you love something so much that you want, want, need to fit it into a story.  Find that spark inside you, and the words will come.  I promise. 

Q.   OK.  Here’s a big question.  You’re a busy police officer.  On top of that, you’ve got a family.  And yet, amidst all of these important commitments, you have managed to have an amazing career as a writer.

Meanwhile, I don’t want to call myself a slacker, but one time I sat down with my laptop to write an epic masterpiece, got frustrated after the first few lines, then ended up watching a Steven Seagal movie marathon while devouring an entire box of Oreos instead.

Please, for myself, and anyone else who can’t get their act together, give us some tips on how to juggle work, family, other stuff that happens in life, and still find time to pursue writing.

A.   Any author who tells you every day is an orderly procession of getting the words on paper is a filthy liar. Some days are hard, even after you make a name for yourself.  Some days, the Oreos and movie marathons are what the body and soul need.  There’s no shame in that.

But you have to hold two seemingly disparate ideals in mind if you want to write professionally.  First, you have to have a love of craft and a determination to keep butt in chair that, frankly, defies human nature.  The kids are playing with the dogs in the backyard, and begging you to come join them.  There’s a lovely breeze blowing.  Your youngest looks at you with a smile you know won’t be there in her angsty teenage years.

But you have a deadline.

That kind of denial of human nature.  Bullheadedness, my wife calls it.  Maybe even assholery.  Yeah, it sucks that bad.

But how do you get to have problems like that?  Well, that comes with manageable word counts.  Seriously, folks, 500 words a day.  Treat everyday like it’s NaNoWriMo.  Do 500 words a day.  You can do it.  Outline first, figure out what you’re going to be writing during those precious few moments out of each day that you can spare for the keyboard, and then start typing.  Get the first draft done.  Don’t go back and edit what you wrote the day before, just push forward to the end.  Once you’re done, go back and edit.  That’s why they call them first drafts. 

Q.   Thanks for checking in, Joe.  Before I go, do you have any last minute advice that might help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A.   Well, yes…obviously Cardio! Oh, and as a cop, I wholeheartedly recommend the double tap as well.  But after that: Be smart.  Be watchful.  Pay attention; it don’t cost nothing.  Take a good look around you every moment of every day.  Even if the apocalypse doesn’t come (and I think I’m not alone in kind of wishing that it would come), you will still have the observational aptitude to write about it.

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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 10

The quarters were cramped in the back office of Hipster Hutt.  There was barely enough room for us to huddle together on the floor.  I missed the luxurious space and cornucopia of supplies provided by Price Town.

Blandie, who’d discovered Alien Jones’ space phone, wasn’t doing much to reassure me that saving her was worth it.

Alien Jones grabbed his aching head.

“I’ve traveled from one end of the universe to the other and I swear humans are the only beings who react to a being they aren’t sure of by kicking it in the face,”  the Esteemed Brainy One said.

Ignoring her victim, Blandie used AJ’s space phone to take one selfie after another to post on Randombook, a popular social media site catering to both East and West Randomtown.

“Hashtag Zombie Apocalypse,”  Blandie said as she typed with her thumbs then posed for another one.

“She certainly is in love with herself,”  VGRF noted.

The duck face selfie - a mystery even to the Esteemed Brainy One

The duck face selfie – a mystery even to the Esteemed Brainy One

“Why do Earth females insist on taking photos of themselves whilst making their lips protrude like a duck bill?”  Alien Jones asked.  “Are Earth men attracted to water fowl?”

The space phone let out a loud ring and then projected a three foot tall hologram of another alien.

Surprised, Blandie shouted a trail of obscenities and dropped the phone.  The hologram shut off but we could still hear an angry voice.

“JONES?  JONES!  HOW DARE YOU HANG UP ON YOUR SUPREME OVERLORD?!”

“For the love of Scalamox’s Forbidden Quadrant!”  Alien Jones shouted as he dove for the phone.

The Esteemed Brainy One punched a few buttons and the hologram was back.

We all stared at the image of an alien who looked similar to Alien Jones, but wore an elaborately bejeweled crown, a flowing cape, and carried a scepter.  Also, he was gray instead of Alien Jones’ usual green color.

Alien Jones set the phone on the desk then hit the ground, bowing up and down repeatedly.

“I’m sorry Oh Potent One.  It was one of the miserable humans.  She dropped the phone with her clumsy ape like fingers.  All hail the Mighty Potentate!!!”

AJ turned his head toward us.

“Hail the Potentate, you barbarians!”

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

It was always an odd experience to see Alien Jones communicate with his boss, the Mighty Potentate, Supreme Overlord of Alien Jones’ homeworld.  AJ was a being of great wisdom who’d dedicated his life to reason and rational thought and yet whenever his boss was around, he turned into a blubbering lackey.

I can’t say as I blame him, what with the Mighty Potentate’s track record for vaporizing his subordinates.

VGRF, Bernie and I let loose a very half-hearted, “All Hail the Mighty Potentate.”

“What?”  Blandie asked.  “I didn’t vote for him.”

“Ha ha,”  Alien Jones said.  “Human humor.  To what do I owe the pleasure of your most glorious transmission, Your Potentosity?”

“Jones,”  the maniacal despot said.  “What is this I hear that the Chosen One’s life is in jeopardy?”

“Jeopardy?”  Alien Jones asked, trying to deflect the question with a question.  “I know of no jeopardy, Oh Mighty One.  Chosen One, are you well?  Are you feeling jeopardized?”

I didn’t know the protocol of how to address this particular alien situation.

“I…uh…feel fine?”

“I’m not talking about his health,”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “Although now that we’re talking about it, son of a braying tawazal beast Jones, would it kill you to get the Chosen One to do a few jumping jacks once in awhile?  He’s looking awfully pudgy.”

“Duly noted,”  Alien Jones said, and then to me yelled, “Chosen One!  Jumping Jacks immediately!”

“Aw come on.”

“How dare you defy the Most Potent of Us All?”

“Fine.”

There wasn’t a lot of room but I managed to provide a few lackluster jumping jacks for show.

“Jones, I’m talking about allegations of a zombie apocalypse in the Chosen One’s residential area.  It’s been all over the human television transmissions.  Are these reports valid or are the just a new form of that most reviled form of media…”

The Mighty Potentate shuddered then continued, “…reality television.”

“I’m sorry, Supreme Overlord.  I do not wish to disappoint you but I cannot lie to your either.  The reports are true but rest assured, your humble servant is on the case and I will not rest until the Chosen One is delivered to safety.”

“See that you do,”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “And how is the Chosen One’s novel coming along?”

Alien Jones stalled on that question, just as I’d been stalling to write my novel my entire life.

“Come again, oh Omnipotent Overlord?”  Alien Jones said.  “The transmission is fading and I…”

It was never a good idea to screw with the Mighty Potentate.

“DO NOT DECEIVE ME, JONES!  I DEMAND A STATUS REPORT ON THE CHOSEN ONE’S NOVEL AT ONCE!”

It’s a good thing Alien Jones doesn’t poop, because he probably would have.  He was surely trembling like he wanted to.

“You heard the Mighty Potentate, Chosen One!  Report on your novel immediately!”

I stepped in front of the hologram.

“Umm…hello Mr. Potentate.”

“Greetings, Chosen One.  Please do not be shy.  Regale me of the novel you are writing, the story I have foreseen that will inspire all humans to demand a higher level of storytelling from Earth’s entertainment industry, thus shutting down the reality television menace once and for all.”

“It’s uh…it’s going good Potentate.  Really good.”

“Elaborate.”

“What?”

“ELABORATE!!!!”

Damn that guy was shouty.

“It’s the most badass novel ever.  It’s got mystery, action, suspense, drama….”

The Mighty Potentate listened intently.

“…twists and turns, hot naked chicks, explosions, daredevil stunts, wars, fires, pestilence, plagues…”

“Go on.”

“Oh and there’s a big car chase and the hero of the novel has these uh….uh….”

I noticed Bernie’s 9MM poking out of his bug out bag.

“The hero has gun hands.”

“Gun hands?”  the Potentate inquired.

“Yes,”  I replied.  “‘Johnny Gun Hands’ is his name.  The Mafia cut off his damn hands and left him for dead but he didn’t die so he replaces his hands with guns, shoots all of his enemies and then he uncovers a conspiracy in which umm…umm…yes!  I’ve got it.  He uncovers a conspiracy in which a group of furries, you know, those weirdoes who dress up in plush animal costumes and have sex with each other, are importing knock-off designer handbags out of Kuala Lumpur.”

The Mighty Potentate tapped a finger on his jaw as I ranted away.

“And so, the bad guys kidnap the only woman Johnny ever loved, so he breaks into their secret lair and BLAM BLAM BLAM Johnny massacres every last one of those furries with his gun hands and the ending…oh my God the ending.  Johnny and his woman walk into the sunset and they want to get married but they can’t because, holy shit, Johnny has guns for hands so you know, it’s not like they can do it or anything because it would be way too dangerous.”

I took a moment to breathe.  Everyone in the room was fixated on me now.

“So Johnny walks off all alone and he’s depressed and he sticks his gun hands up to his temples and is about to end it all but NO!  You know what he does?”

“What?”  Bernie asked, transfixed on the story.  “What does he do, yo?”

“Johnny sets up a center to take care of other people who are also afflicted with having guns for hands and he finds a sense of peace and inner happiness from being able to help others suffering from the same problem he has and he lives to a ripe old age, fully content with the life he lived.”

We all remained silent, waiting for the Mighty Potentate to say something.

“That sounds like…”

He stopped, removed his crown, scratched his head, then continued.

“…THE BEST F%&KING IDEA FOR A NOVEL I’VE EVER HEARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!”

Alien Jones gasped a sigh of relief.

“Thanks Potentate,”  I said.  “Can I ask you something?  Are you sure I’m the Chosen One?”

“Of course,”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “I have foreseen it.  My predictions are never wrong.”

“Well,”  I said as I wrapped my arm around Alien Jones, “For what it’s worth, this guy is a real credit to your organization.”

“Who? Jones?”

“Yes,”  I said.  “His column is an asset to the Bookshelf Battle Blog.  Sometimes his words drive my stats as high as 7.5 readers.”

“Astonishing,”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “Though you are aware you’ll need to write a bestseller to avoid world domination, yes?”

“So I’ve heard.”

“Splendid!”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “Good luck with the zombie apocalypse.  I expect the Chosen One to remain alive, Alien Jones and Chosen One?”

“Yes?”

“I expect to see a rough draft of Johnny Gun hands by the end of the year.  POTENTATE OUT!”

The hologram shut off.

Alien Jones hopped up onto the desk, grabbed my shoulders and yelled, “What have you done?!”

“What did you want me to do?  Tell him the truth?  That everyday I come home from work, try to write a novel, give up after three words and watch The Walking Dead in my underpants with a bowl full of Cheetos?”

“Lying to the Mighty Potentate always makes things worse,”  Alien Jones said.  “Do you realize you’ll actually have to write a Johnny Gunhands novel now?”

“Yes,”  I said.  “And I know just who to call to ask for some writing tips.”

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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 8 Interview – Joseph “Zombie” Zuko – Getting Apocalypse Fit

Joseph

Joseph “Zombie” Zuko poses with a replica based on a weapon from his novel, “The Infected.”

FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon               Blog

      Twitter                 Podcast

Today’s guest is a bonafide zombie expert, so much so that “Zombie” is his middle name. Joseph “Zombie” Zuko is the author of The Infected Series, as well as the owner of Zombie Camp 17, a zombie themed T-shirt comedy.

To round it all off, he brings his wit and wisdom to the masses with his podcast, Shotgun and Scotch. In his spare time, he studies Krav Maga and works on his fitness to remain in peak zombie fighting condition so as to be prepared to take on the undead hordes at a moment’s notice.

Joe, thanks for taking my call.

Q.   I hate to admit it, but I’m out of shape. I’m trapped in a zombie infested mall and just had to drag my friend across a store. Now I’m out of breath and I’m wishing I’d hit the gym more. I noticed on your blog, you talk about Krava Maga and getting “Apocalypse Fit.” It’s too late for me, but do you have any words that could inspire my 3.5 readers to get off their butts, head to the gym, and prepare themselves should a zombie outbreak occur?

Zombie Apocalypse Training

Zombie Apocalypse Training

A.   “Zombieland” said it best. Cardio! Cardio! Cardio! If you can bench 350 pounds that’s cool, but how long can you run for? Can you run a mile in under ten minutes? Can you run with a backpack on and for how long before you have to sit down, rest and get eaten by a quick moving dead head? Can you do one pull up? If you’re hanging from a ledge over a zombie horde can you pull yourself up to safety?

If the answer is “no” to any of these questions then that’s got to be your motivator. Do you want to live or die? I enjoy feeling strong and healthy. I love knowing I can do twenty pull ups at a time, run a mile in under seven minutes and kick the shit out of most zombies you would come across on the street.

Start simple. Run a mile. Then do it a little faster the next time. Do as many pull ups as you can. If it’s only one then do one and then shoot for more. I also recommend signing up for mud runs, like the Spartan race. That will let you know just how fit you are and what you need to work on. I’ve done two and plan to do one next year and the goal is to get faster and faster. I like to train with a weighted vest on. It adds forty pounds to my body and shows you how long you could run with a backpack on.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  I made my own personal forty pound weighted vest out of Doritos and cheesecake!

Q.   How did you end up with “Zombie” as a middle name? I feel like there’s a story there. Did your parents really want you to become a zombie fighter?

A.   My folks rolled their eyes when I said that I was going to put that on my books. People love to ask me about zombies all the time. In my group of friends, family and coworkers I am the zombie aficionado. I haven’t seen or read everything out there, but I know more than most and have loved them my whole adult life.

The true story about the name “Zombie” is a little silly. I was driving to work thinking about my first book and worried people wouldn’t know that it was a zombie book without the word zombie on the cover and then it hit me. Give yourself a made up nick name. “Throw the name zombie on there,” I told myself.

What a creepy, weirdo, silly thing to do, right? I had looked over a ton of other author’s book covers and no one had done anything like that as far as I could tell. So I thought it might stick out when a zombie reader is scanning the cover art of what’s out there on the market. I could also be alienating a ton of people with my crazy, made up nickname, but what are you going to do? Screw them if they can’t take a joke.
Q.   The Infected series begins with Jim Blackmore, an average, regular guy, who finds himself at ground zero of a zombie apocalypse and has to fight his way home to his family. Jim isn’t some totally buff bodybuilder or a superhero with special powers or anything. For readers, he’s pretty relatable isn’t he?

A.   When I got started I read a handful of other authors’ works and noticed that there was a trend to focus the story around an ex-military bad ass with tons of guns and fighting experience. Well, I don’t know a ton about guns and I was never in the military so I didn’t want to talk out of my ass when I wrote Jim’s First Day.

I decided to keep it simple and did another weirdo thing and made Jim based on myself. His whole family, job and life experiences are all based on mine. I’d like to think that I’m a relatable husband and father. People have really seemed to respond to that aspect of the books. I really tried to write it from my heart. I love zombies because they scare me so badly and I wanted to share this fear of mine with as many people as I possibly can.

Q.   In Book Two, the story continues from the perspective of Jim’s wife, Karen, who’s at home and has to protect her children from becoming zombie chow. That’s a unique idea, to tell a story from two different perspectives. What motivated you to do that?

A.   Karen’s character is based on my wonderful loving wife and she told me that I better give Karen as good of a book as I did for Jim. At first it was only going to be a few chapters about Karen and the children having to deal with the start of a zombie apocalypse. Then the story would kick back up again with Jim and his crew. The more I thought about it the more I liked the idea of watching this nightmare unfold through her eyes. She doesn’t have fighting skills or military training and she has to take care of two small children. That’s a terrifying idea and I tried to imagine what would my wife do. It was a very fun book to write and so far the feedback has been amazing. I actually think that the second book is a better story with better characters than the first one. I had worked out what my style was and just let it rip.

Q.   Surely you realize Mrs. Zombie Zuko is a saint.   I’m doing a mental inventory of all my ex-girlfriends (it’s not that long a list) and I’m pretty sure all of them would have commanded me to “drop the zombie crap” by now.

A.  She is a saint and an angel. I met Mrs. Zombie Zuko when I was eighteen. She has been there from the very beginning. We fell in love and bonded over the movie Scream. We were just out of high school when Scream came out on video and we were both obsessed with it. So our relationship started out with us loving horror. We love zombie movies, TV shows and video games and are both looking forward this season of The Walking Dead.

Writing the books was really her idea. We found out about self publishing on Amazon and she told me she thought I could do it, even though I had never written anything with the kind of length a novel would require. She believed in me and cheered me on like I was her local sports team.

I still bounce all of my ideas off of her before I get them down in the computer. She is my zombie muse and it would have been impossible to finish the first book without her pushing me to get it done.

I am very lucky and blessed man to have her in my life. There would be no Joseph “Zombie” Zuko without Katie Zuko.

Q. You go above and beyond when it comes to entertaining your fans. Your site has a photo of you posing with a nasty looking zombie killing weapon and you’ve put out fun videos promoting your books. Do your readers get a kick out of it?

ZUKO’S DAUGHTER:  I see a zombie!

                         ZUKO:  No, that’s just a picture of dad in the morning.

A.   I think they get that I’m only trying to entertain them and I’m not taking myself too seriously. I enjoy making the videos and want to get across what kind of guy I am. We are here to have fun, right? I would love to make more videos and get to interact with the fans more, but I’m neck deep in the third installment of The Infected: Nightfall. It comes out on Amazon October, 11th 2015. Same night as The Walking Dead premiere of season six.

That saw I’m holding was built for me by my cousin and it is a brutal as it looks. It’s on the cover art for Book 3.

Q.   In your first book, you provide a note that your zombie obsession began as a teenager when you first played Resident Evil 2. Admittedly, I lost a lot of my youth to that franchise as well. What is it about that game that inspired a generation of zombie enthusiasts?

A.  I had never seen anything like it before. It blew my freaking mind. It was like playing with an interactive movie. The sound design. The graphics. The great zombie scares. Every aspect of it had me hooked. I had never played a game that told that level of story before. You’re a cop that just got to town and you’re trying to figure out what the hell is going on and oh yeah try and survive the night from hell. It was amazing and thrilling. I was the perfect age for it and the movies that followed. I have since become addicted to Left for Dead One and Two and most recently the State of Decay game on Xbox. Plus Sony’s Last of Us was not a typical zombie story but has the same level of WOW that Resident Evil 2 had.

Q.  You’re trained in Krav Maga. If one of these zombie jerkfaces makes a move on me, what’s the best move you recommend to take him down?

A.   Krav Maga teaches you how to escape a human’s grip, so it focuses a lot on groin strikes and hits to the nose. These moves will have no effect on the dead jerkface so if you are unarmed and zack is coming right for you…kick at its knee. Cripple its zombie ass. One well placed knee strike could send the creep to its belly and then you stomp its brains in or better yet RUN! I always recommend for you to run first and fight second. You don’t want to end up in a zombie’s digestive track.

Q. Joe, thanks for being my Day 8 Zombie Apocalypse advisor. Before I go, do you have any last minute advice that could help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Outbreak?

A. That’s a great question. Read as many zombie books as you possible can. Especially mine. That’s rule number one. They are excellent field guides in how shit can go wrong fast. Each one will give you advice on how to survive and show you the pitfalls that can happen in a zombie outbreak.

Keep your head and keep moving. You stay in a building for too long and you might find yourself surrounded by blood thirsty, meat hungry biters. Learn a martial art. Something that focuses on escaping holds. Run Spartan style races to see how well you can get over an eight-foot wall. Carry knives on you at all time. I always have my Swiss Army knife in one pocket and Gerber lock-blade in the other. You might need to make something, fix something or kill something at a moment’s notice. You don’t want to be armed with a butter knife.

I also recommend keeping a handful of weapons and tools in the trunk of your car. A crowbar, axe, hammer, a few machetes and if you can swing it, a crossbow with a grip of spare bolts to fire. It would cost less then two hundred dollars and increase your chances of survival a hundred fold.

Thank you for the call, Bookshelf Q. Battler. This was awesome and I appreciate being selected for this month of horror. Fall is my favorite time of the year. It gets cold and creepy out and Halloween is the absolute best holiday in my opinion.

Would you agree that it’s an amazing time in the history of zombie entertainment? Books, movies, TV shows and video games all seem to be peaking and it’s only going to get better. Zombies are a simple concept, guy comes back from the dead, feeds on his neighbor and so on and so on, but in that simplicity lies the brilliance of it all.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  It’s a real, zombie renaissance, ZZ.  Thanks for stopping by.

3.5 readers, don’t forget, Zombie Zuko’s third book comes out this Sunday!

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Network News One Coverage of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse – EXCLUSIVELY on BQB’s Facebook Page

By: Kurt Manley, Network News One Anchormanshutterstock_193904291 copy

…The Vatican said the Pope had no idea a family of squirrels was living inside his pointy hat, but will not disturb them until they’re ready to move out on their own.

In other news, the eyes of the world are locked to a shocking story coming out of East Randomtown, USA, which has been overrun with zombies since Thursday, Oct. 1.  Network News One, your number one source for news brought to you by hot ass chicks who totally used to be lingerie models before we stuck a microphone in their hands, will be covering the latest developments until this zombie outbreak is resolved.

That’s right, hot ass chick reporters like this one:

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What?  Oh right.  You wanted some photos of the zombie apocalypse.  Here’s one submitted by East Randomtown resident Leo McKoy, local degenerate bum and drunkard:

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Yeesh!  What a gruesome bunch!  I need to check out one of our hot chick reporters again to get that image out of my mind:

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Aww yeah, that’s the stuff.

Viewers, we here at Network News One know you have your choice of 24-hour news stations.

That’s why we’re the only network that features a legion of hot chick reporters ready to fly anywhere in the world to report the latest crap storm that just happened.

Let’s face it, this world is a total shit hole, and if you’re one of those people who can’t keep your eyes off it, then you might as well keep your eyes on a hot chick reporter while the latest story to shake your faith in humanity unfolds.

Now, if you’re one of those caveman troglodytes that doesn’t have a TV, or worse, if your cable provider is one of those asshat companies that doesn’t provide you with access to Network News One, then you can still get access to the latest NN1 stories by liking Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Facebook Page.

Hold on folks, I need to talk to my producer.

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Really, Murray?  A Facebook page for some dumbass who only has 3.5 readers?  That’s the best we could do?  What?  No!  Don’t try to justify this screwup.  Polish your resume, loser, because you’re outta here!

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Sorry about that, viewers.  As I was just telling Murray, we here at Network News One are so proud to be partnering with the Bookshelf Battle Facebook Page to bring you the latest zombie apocalypse news.

Don’t forget, our Network News One reports will ONLY be available on BQB’s Facebook page, so you will have to check it out and give a nerd a like to view these quality pieces of journalism.

Stories we have so far are about the reality television stars who we believe may have been zombified during the crisis, and also how acclaimed teflon underpants inventor Dr. Hugo Von Science is wanted for questioning with regard to this whole mess.

And remember, if you’re one of those damn procrastinators who won’t just click on BQB’s Facebook page today, you can always find it later by typing…

www.facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler

…into your web browser.

Coming up in the next hour block, is your toothpaste giving you herpes?  Put that brush down and sit by your TV until we give you the answer after sports and weather…but first this commercial break.

NETWORK NEWS ONE

THE HOTTEST CHICKS…OH YEAH, AND OCCASIONALLY WE DO SOME JOURNALISM SHIT TOO

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#31ZombieAuthors – An Introduction

By:  Bookshelf Q. Battler, Blogger-in-Chief

“They’re coming to get you, 3.5 readers.”

Zombies.

They’re ugly.  They’re stupid.  They shout “Grr!” and “Argh!” and the only thing they ever think about is the next human they’re going to dine on.

You’d think these one trick ponies’ fifteen minutes of fame would’ve dried up by now, but forty-seven years since George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead introduced zombies into mainstream pop culture in 1968, the fan base for these vile beasts has grown stronger than ever.

TELEVISION

AMC is in full-swing, not only with The Walking Dead but an additional spinoff series, Fear the Walking Dead. Both programs follow groups of human zompoc survivors who have given up their hopes and dreams, their only focus now being how to keep themselves from becoming zombie chow.

MOVIES

You’ll find zombies at the box office, and not just the ones trying to eat your brains while you’re trying to eat your popcorn. Brad Pitt, Hollywood’s top leading man, believed zombies were bankable enough that he starred in World War Z, a screen adaptation of Max Brooks’ novel about a world overrun with vile, coldblooded fiends.

No, not lawyers.  Zombies.

Even Arnold Schwarzenegger got in on the zombie action this summer with Maggie, the story of a father who wants to save his daughter who has turned into a zombie.  No, not as in the typical “spends too much time on the phone and social media” kind of teenage zombie but a “I want to bite your face off” zombie.

VIDEO GAMES

Resident Evil, Left 4 Dead and Dead Rising put players in situations where they have to use their ingenuity and the tools around them to survive.

Personally, I think the original Dead Rising, which put players in a zombie infested mall and asked them to escape with all the products and tools in a large shopping center at their disposal was as ingenious as it was fun and scary.

BOOKS

Here’s where #31ZombieAuthors come in.

It all began as a fun idea.  I’d write a story in which I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, am trapped in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, and have to contact one author per day for help.

Seemed like a cool way to promote the blog around Halloween time.

Initially, I thought that I’d contact a few authors, they’d all tell me no, then I’d give up and move on to something else.

Instead, I was blown away by how many professional, established writers were willing to donate their time to this project.

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

  • I contacted these folks cold.  I introduced myself just as I am – Bookshelf Q. Battler, World Renowned Poindexter and Blogger-in-Chief of the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
  • I didn’t offer my so-called “real name.”  And no one asked for it.  Not a one of them was like, “Well, I’ll do it if I know who you really are.”  I don’t know why anyone would ask me that anyway.  I really am Bookshelf Q. Battler.
  • In a way, that made me happy, that all these fine scribes were willing to trust me, a guy they don’t know, who claims to own a magic bookshelf and be the best friend of an alien.  I like to think that means I must be doing something right around here since these fine individuals deemed me worthy of their precious time.
  • I offered them nothing.  I was upfront with the fact that my blog caters to a modest audience of 3.5 readers, so it wasn’t like they could expect a surge in book sales.  They all just cared enough to want to help an aspiring writer out. Honestly, I’m probably getting more out of this than they will.  That fact alone makes them all pretty cool people.

THE MOST AMAZING PART OF ALL OF THIS?

Thirty-one (actually thirty-three as I’ll be interviewing two writing duos) came together on very short notice and helped me put together a massive undertaking within about a month.

If ever you doubt there’s a generous online community for writers, think about that.

THE AUTHORS

They all come from different backgrounds and walks of life.  Our interviewees include a cop, soldiers, full time mothers, preppers, podcasters and yes, there might even be a nerd or two.  They’re from America, England, Australia, and Canada.  All different ages.

All united by a common love of undead creatures that want to munch on your brains.

More importantly, they’ve all brought their own unique experiences, style, and voice to the zombie genre.  A cop fighting his way through a zombie apocalypse.  Soldiers on a mission when zombies suddenly attack out of nowhere.  An average, nondescript office worker suddenly faces a threat the likes of which he’s never faced before in his humdrum life.

People who become zombies via the Internet.  (Insert joke here.)  Zombie-fied literary classics that will make your snooty college English professor pop a monocle.  Zombies in the past.  Zombies in the future.  There’s even a couple of zombies who defy their nature to the point where you might not mind being pals with them.

IN SHORT….

If you love zombies, this is the place to be in October.

SO HOW DOES THIS ALL WORK?

Visit bookshelfbattle.com everyday for:

  • The latest post from Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.  That’s right.  Zombies are going to attack East Randomtown and I will update you, the 3.5 readers, every step of the way as my friends and I search for safety.
  • The Zombie Author Interview of the Day – At great personal risk, I will take a break from my survival efforts once a day to “call” and interview an author of zombie fiction.  I’m not trying to make myself out as some kind of hero, 3.5 readers, but just remember what I’m putting myself through here for your entertainment when it comes Leibster Award time.  Do you think that old lady blogging about her buttermilk biscuits on the blog next door is going to fight zombies and interview zombie authors for you?  I think not.

MORE ZOMBIE MADNESS

  • Every Sunday, Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian will perform his act live from the East Randomtown Chuckle Barn. He’ll review the past week’s interviews and tell you who’s stopping by the blog in the week ahead.  This funny zombie will leave you in stitches, and that’s not a pun.
  • Zombie Trump will review the upcoming episodes of The Walking Dead.  Quote Zombie Trump, “This is going to be huuuuuge!  I’m going to bring that loser nerd Bookshelf Q. Battler the highest jump in ratings his pathetic excuse for a blog has ever seen!”

POST YOUR QUESTIONS!

Zombie lovers, do you know anyone else who’s lined up thirty-one zombie authors?  No.

So take advantage of this and:

ON TWITTER – Tweet your questions to @bookshelfbattle.

ON FACEBOOK – Ask your questions on www.facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler

ON WATTPAD – Pose your inquiries to @bookshelfbattle and follow along as I will be posting excerpts from Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal over there a few days after doing so here.  You’ll still have to come here for the author interviews though.

On Google Plus – ask your questions here.

NOTE:  As you can imagine, Halloween season is the busiest time of year for a zombie author, so I don’t want to guarantee that they’ll be able to answer your questions about zombies, but in the event they can’t, I will!

PROMOTE!

If you’re having fun, please tell your friends!  The more zombie fans the merrier.  Let’s rock this blog’s stats to the point where I have to retire the 3.5 readers joke.

AND FINALLY, THANK YOU

I couldn’t have done this without you, 3.5.  A blogger needs an audience and I couldn’t have put this together without being sure that at least 3.5 of you would show up.

Please pat yourselves on all 3.5 of your backs.

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#31ZombieAuthors starts now!

Attorney Donnelly notes that the Bookshelf Battle Blog disclaims any and all liability for anyone who is eaten by and/or turned into a zombie.  You step into a zombie apocalypse, you take your chances.

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Kicking Things Off – A Twitter Interview with Brian Keene

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Throughout the past month, as I did my research and spoke to zombie enthusiasts, one name came up over and over again:

Brian Keene.

In 2003, Keene published The Rising.  One of the best-selling zombie novels of all time, it follows Jim Thurmond, a father who must fight his way through a zombie apocalypse to find his young son.  Martin, a preacher who’s trying to hold onto his faith and Frankie, a struggling heroin addict, round out the band of survivors.

This book is credited with bringing about a zombie renaissance.  Sure, George Romero brought zombies to pop culture in 1968 with Night of the Living Dead, but when 2000 came around, zombies were deader than themselves.

Thus, Keene (along with Robert Kirkman’s The Walking Dead comic and Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later film) is credited with bringing the zombie genre back to life and starting an undead craze that so far, shows no signs of letting up.

In search of an interview, I tweeted Keene.  As you might imagine, one of the forefathers of the zombie movement is mighty busy this time of year, but he graciously to answer three tweeted questions.

So without further ado:

Q+A #1

BQB: You never know, 3.5 readers.  That idea floating around in your head might just start the new craze.  And luckily, I’m going to be interviewing thirty-one authors who are covering new ground in the zombie game.

Q+A #2

BQB:  Well, I was hoping he’d be honest and pull no punches, and he delivered.  It doesn’t happen overnight, folks.  Success by 2035!  I can’t wait.  Better than no success at all.  Let’s try to see the glass as half full here, people.

Q+A #3

BQB: Makes sense.  In a zombie apocalypse, your potential friend pool consists of the undead who want to eat you and the living who want to kill you so they can eat your food.  Oh well.  As long as I have my 3.5 readers, I’ll never be lonely.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I’d like to thank Brian for taking the time to answer my questions.  He certainly didn’t have to but that he made time for me shows that he truly cares about his readers.

As for my 3.5 readers, I hope you’ll check out Brian’s website and his Amazon Author Page.  Don’t forget to pick up a copy of The Rising.  It’s a must read for any zombie fanatic.

If there’s a school of zombie fiction, then Brian’s the dean, and what an honor it is for the dean to stop by and get this zombie apocalypse started.

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Zombie Trump Reviews the Walking Dead – Recap of Last Season

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  It has come to my attention that Dr. Hugo Von Science recently attended one of Presidential Candidate Donald Trump’s campaign events, stole a cup the billionaire drank out of, and successfully spliced The Donald’s DNA with that of a zombie held in captivity.

The result?  ZOMBIE TRUMP.  I thought about reporting this to the authorities but decided it would be fun to just let him review The Walking Dead when the new season begins.

Here, Zombie Trump will catch you up on where the series left off at the end of last season.

Hello 3.5 losers.

First of all, I want to say that being on this goofball website is completely beneath me.  Bookshelf Q. Battler, that nerdy dope, should get down on his hands and knees and thank me for giving his pathetic excuse for a website the highest ratings boost it will ever see.

Zombie Trump

Zombie Trump

3.5 readers?  I’ll have this joint swinging with 3.5 million readers when I’m done with it.  And will that clown appreciate it?  I doubt it.  I’d ask for a little nibble on BQB’s brain as compensation but I doubt he has one.

So let’s talk about those survivors from last season.  Apparently, I’m obligated to warn you that there are SPOILERS ahead, because for some reason, people get really whiney when their shows are spoiled.

I don’t know why you’re wasting your time with lame zombie shows anyway when you should be checking out the luxurious Zombie Trump Taj Mahal.  Try your luck at the craps table, then get eaten and turned into literal zombie crap.  Oh and the buffet is all you can eat for $9.99 so really, there’s not a better deal around.

Where’d we leave off?

RICK GRIMES

Look, I know a lot of ladies think he’s hot and handsome but I’m telling you, this guy is a total loser.  If you ask me, I’d rather have a Sheriff that can actually bring the bad guys in, not crash his car while in pursuit and end up in a coma during the zombie outbreak when he’s needed the most.

Seriously, how am I supposed to trust this guy to lead when he couldn’t even keep his best friend Shane from slipping his wife the old one eyed salamander?

Last time we saw Rick, he was abusing his authority as a newly appointed Sheriff in the settlement at Alexandria.  Beat a guy up because he wanted to get hot and heavy with his wife.  Making plans to take the community over if things don’t go his way.  Classy?  I don’t think so.

Sorry Rick.  I wouldn’t hire you to guard the Zombie Trump Golf Course.  Eighteen links of pure zombie fun.

CAROL

Yeesh!  Look at that face!  Is that the face of a woman that you want to see in your zombie apocalypse survivor’s group?  I don’t think so.

Oh what?  What?  I was just talking about her record.  She’s actually a beautiful woman.

Although if we’re getting into it, a little bit of blonde hair dye wouldn’t hurt her.  Make her up to look like my first wife, Zombie Ivana, or my second wife, Zombie Marla Maples.

But let’s talk about this gal’s record.  Killing a kid?  Threatening to kill another kid?

Sure she’s able to lull her enemies into a false sense of security by fooling them into thinking she’s just a dowdy old homemaker only to strike when they least expect it, but you know what I’d tell her if she worked at the Zombie Trump Casino Day Care Center?

YOU’RE FIRED.

DARYL

Who is this loser running around on a motorcycle with a crossbow like he’s some kind of hillbilly heart throb?  Look Jethro, a shave and a haircut never hurt anyone.  I’ll give you the number of my personal stylist.  She’s does great work.  Just look at me.

GLENN

Glenn, we gave you one simple task.  Keep that Noah kid alive.  You failed.  I know you tried your best but best doesn’t cut it.  Sorry, I know this is harsh, but as punishment, I’ve banned you from all Zombie Trump resorts and associated properties.

THE GOVERNOR

Not gonna lie.  This man had a lot of moxie.  I was sorry to see him go.  He was a real take charge kind of guy.  Even with one eye he was able to see two or three moves ahead.  Best character on the entire show.

He built a wall around his town and if you ask me, building a wall is an idea my fellow zombies and I should try.

My fellow zombies, for far too long we’ve suffered at the hands of these lousy human survivors.  We build up our zombie communities and in they come, putting arrows in our brains, taking our zombie jobs.  They’re rapists, murderers, and SOME of them, I assume, are good people, but we just can’t allow the influx of doomsday preppers, hillbillies, and other assorted human survivors to invade our territory any longer.

So I propose that we build an enormous wall to keep the zompoc survivors out.

Elect me as President of All Zombies and I assure you on my first day in office, not only will I build a giant wall around all zombies, but I’ll make those loser humans pay for it.

BQB, you’re welcome.  You didn’t even deserve an appearance from me on your stupid blog but you got one anyway.

3.5 readers, I don’t know why you’re wasting your time on this nonsense, but let me remind you, I’m going to be reviewing the next season of The Walking Dead right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog and I will tell you this:

IT’S GOING TO BE HUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGE!

I’d eat all 3.5 of your brains but I’d probably go hungry.  Mic drop.  Zombie Trump out.

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31 Zombie Authors – What Questions Do You Have?

The authors of zombie books or “zombie authors” are starting to express interest.

As you recall, this October, Bookshelf Battle will briefly become “Spookyshelf Battle” and if all goes to plan, 31 authors of zombie books will provide me with daily advice on how to escape the zombie apocalypse that will descend upon East Randomtown due to a Dr. Hugo Von Science experiment gone awry.

What questions do you have for our esteemed zombie author guests, oh wise 3.5 readers?

BEHOLD!  THE FACE OF THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE:

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

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Spookyshelf Battle (Or, 31 Zombie Authors)

Happy Thursday, 3.5 Readers.

Egads!  A zombie outbreak in East Random Town!

Egads! A zombie outbreak in East Random Town!

Is it too early to start talking about Halloween?

Not when you’re as big a fan of that holiday as I am.

And not when you’ve got a big idea in mind.

Today, my main squeeze Video Game Rack Fighter and I took a walk, did some shopping, and we stopped by a fortune teller who’d set up shop and was predicting futures at five bucks a pop.

VGRF talked me into it and, much to my shock, this mysterious gypsy lady with a kiosk next to the Orange Julius stand at the East Random Town Mall prognosticated the following:

That on October 1 of this year:

  • VGRF, Alien Jones, myself, and possibly The Yeti will take in a scientific demonstration by my mentor, the esteemed Dr. Hugo Von Science.
  • That Dr. Hugo, through his gross incompetence, will botch his experiment, thus causing a zombie outbreak to sweep over my hometown.
  • VGRF, Alien Jones, and myself will be left with no choice but to fight our way through the undead hordes until we reach the safety of the Bookshelf Battle Compound.
  • Perhaps we’ll even come up a cure for the zombie epidemic in the process.

But to get through this, we will need the assistance of 31, count em, 31 Zombie Authors.

ALIEN JONES:  Zombie authors?!  That’s ridiculous!  They can’t even hold a pen.

BQB:  No, I mean authors who have written self-published books about zombies.  Though, hey, if there’s an actual function zombie who is an author, I’ll gladly talk to him as long as he promises not to bite me.

Every day, as a new part of the story unfolds, a self published zombie author will take a question from a member of our merry band of unlikely heroes.

Questions will mostly come from me, but Alien Jones and/or possibly the Yeti might have some inquiries.  Maybe even Dr. Hugo will participate.

I’ve also heard rumors of this thing called “Women’s Lib” so hell, Video Game Rack Fighter will have some questions too.

Examples:

DAY 1 – We need some supplies.  Author Fred Fredman of Super Scary Zombie Book, can you tell us the essentials of what a zombie apocalypse survivor needs to fend off the undead masses?

DAY 2 – The Yeti was just bitten by a zombie.  Author Kate Katerson of Incredibly Frightening Zombie Book, do you know if zombie bites affect animals?

DAY 3 – We’re holed up in an abandoned shack and the TV’s working.  Author Annie Annerson of You’ll Crap Your Pants if You Read this Zombie Book! Which zombie movie do you recommend we watch to pass the time and why?

I don’t know.  Just some initial questions off the top of my head.

Heck, you non-horror authors could get in on this too.  Submit questions you’d like to know about how to survive the zombie apocalypse and maybe one of the members of our survivor party will pass it along to an interested zombie author.

ANTICIPATED QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS IDEA:

1)  Just self-published horror authors?

Not necessarily.  If you’re a traditionally published zombie author, I’d love for you to participate as well.  If you have a zombie blog or are some other kind of zombie writer, let’s talk.

Hell, if you’re George Romero, you can just take the blog over.

2)  You do a lot of interactivity on this blog.  Why a story?  Why not just a straight-up interview?

In today’s rapid information age, anything fun is going to be checked out more than a traditional approach.

Take all the late night talk shows these days.

Long ago, all the stars would just sit on the couch and shoot the bull with Johnny and Ed.  It was boring as hell.

We love stars but their stories about their acting method or the lunch they ate that gave them a tummy ache or whatever?  Who cares.

Jimmy Fallon does hilarious bits with his guests instead.  Be honest.  Do you want to listen to Scar Jo babble about how hard it was to pretend to be whoever she just pretended to be, or do you want to see her play a rousing game of “Box of Lies” with Jimmy?

NBC – Box of Lies – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I loved that.  There you go.  Scar Jo’s latest movie promoted.  I’m left thinking she’s a ball of fun and I wasn’t bored with a story about her acting process.

“Let’s Promote Ourselves with Fun” is what I’ve been going for with Alien Jones’ “Ask the Alien” Column, and that’s what I’m going for with this idea as well.

3)  So what are you looking for?

Your choice of length to an answer posed by myself or one of my buddies.  I’d say 500 words or so sounds decent, but more if you’re willing.

We could come to an agreement on what question would be best for you.  If you have one in mind you want to be asked, that’s possible.

4)  Are you going to make me look stupid?

Your books, blogs, reputation as a writer, they’re all important to you, as they should be.  I fully understand.  Hell, I’ve put so much work into my persona as”Bookshelf Q. Battler,” I’d be unhappy if someone besmirched BQB.

I’d envision the post with:

A)  A quick synopsis of what happened today (day of post) with BQB’s friends vs. the zombies.

B)  A quick overview of you, the author, including links to your books and or blogs and or Amazon page (or wherever you’re selling them)

C)  An answer YOU WRITE that I’m not going to change.  They’ll be your words, so you can’t go wrong.

5)  I’m still skeptical.

I don’t blame you.  I’m a guy claiming to own a magic bookshelf and also that I’m an alien’s friend.  It’s understandable that you’d want to kick the tires on this one.

To that end:

A) Alien Jones has had 17 satisfied customers in his Ask the Alien column so far.  I’ve never received a complaint from an author who participated yet.  Usually they’re pleased enough that they retweet or share AJ’s witty commentary on their own blogs.

ALIEN JONES’ MOST RECENT COLUMN – Here, you can read on as Alien Jones and a self-published author mix it up.

B)  Alien Jones has a “Don’t Like it and It Gets Taken Down No Problem Guarantee.”  If it turns out you don’t like the post, let me know, and it’ll come down.  If we can fix it to your liking, that’s great.  If not, no hard feelings.  I get that writing is a business and you have to do what you have to do.  No muss, no fuss, no problem.

But luckily, no author has asked for that yet.  And I believe that’s a sign that when you take part in this, you’re in good hands with me and my alien.

6)  Keep talking.

At present, I have 1,250 (approx) WordPress followers, 5,400 Twitter followers, and over 500 Google Plus followers.  All will be notified of your awesomeness.

7)  I’m not one of your 3.5 readers, so I’m not up to speed on your blog and therefore unsure if I could respond to one of your friends’ questions.

No problem.  Here’s the lowdown:

Bookshelf Q. Battler = the owner of a magic bookshelf where small versions of literary characters come to life and fight over limited shelf space.

Video Game Rack Fighter = Bookshelf Q. Battler’s girlfriend and author of a video game review column hopefully coming soon, if she ever comes up for air from playing Arkham Knight.

Alien Jones – The Mighty Potentate, ruler of an undisclosed planet, is displeased with the growing popularity of reality television.  He’s a fan of scripted media and feels promotion of fiction authors is the only hope to stem the reality tv tide.  To that end, the MP has dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to answer questions from self-published authors and in the process, make Earth a smarter place one question at a time.  Alien Jones truly believes in this mission, and isn’t doing it just because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to vaporize him if he abandons his assignment before BQB’s writing career is off the ground.

The Yeti – An international war criminal and fuzzy snow monster, The Yeti is currently imprisoned deep in the bowels of the Bookshelf Battle Compound.  However, BQB isn’t completely heartless and allows the big lug out once a week to watch Scandal.  Alien Jones brings the bean dip.

Dr. Hugo Von Science – A distinguished professor of science at Science University, Dr. Hugo is this blog’s science correspondent and holds patents on over a bazillion inventions.  We’re fairly certain he might be plotting a global conquest in his spare time, but his generally goodnatured demeanor covers up his underlying intentions well.

There you go.  That’s the blog in a nutshell.  It’s a labor of love for me, and it’s enjoyed daily by 3.5 people, one of whom is my Aunt Gertrude.

(There are some subsidiary, occasional characters.  Uncle Hardass, the ghost of my grumpy uncle, shows up once in awhile to tell me to give up all of my hopes and dreams of becoming a writer and get a job at the salt mines.  The Funky Hunks are a rap group I used to belong to and they show up now and then too.  Oh, and a whole slew of tiny book characters live on my magic bookshelf).

Don’t get me started on Bookshelf Q. Battledog.

I don’t believe the subsidiaries will get involved but you never know.  31 days means I need to come up with a lot of ideas to keep a story going.

8)  You had me until you said you have 3.5 readers.  Doesn’t seem worth it.

“3.5 Readers” is an ongoing, inside joke for this blog.  In the beginning, I really did only have 3.5 readers.  But I pressed forward and now I have more.  Like any blog, I have up days and down days.  I’d say on a good day I get anywhere around 30-70 hits.

Views are often double, sometimes triple, the hit count and I believe this is because people who do find this blog like it enough to stick around and read some more.

At any rate, I’ll do what I can to make this a fun, month long Zombie fiesta.  On my own, I’m going to be writing about The Walking Dead and the new Fear the Walking Dead and overall, if this works out, it’s just going to be 31 days of zombies.

9)  What’s in it for you?

Cross promotion, basically.  If you enjoy what you see here, I hope you’ll do want you can to point folks to my ramblings.  Not required, of course.  That’s about it.

10So now what?

At this point, I’d just like to get the ball rolling.  I’m starting early because to recruit 31 people to respond to a daily ongoing story is going to be like herding cats.

Right now, I’d just like to see who’s interested enough to let me know.  If you want in, Tweet me @bookshelfbattle or tell me in the comments here.

You can send me a private message on Twitter too. Just tweet me to let me know you sent it so it doesn’t get lost in the mass of spam I get from folks trying to sell me timeshares, miracle ointments, and **Cough cough*** self published books.

I’d say by mid-August, if I can wrangle enough authors to be interested in this, then I’ll be able to see who’s who, what’s what and come up with better questions that would apply to various authors.

If it’s a go, I’d like to get questions to you late August, or September and have 31 posts in the can by the time October rolls around.

But then again, this could be a dumb idea.

If it fizzles out and goes nowhere, then hey, I tried.  You’ve got to try, right?

Feel free to share with anyone you think would be interested.  If I see enough interest, I’ll start getting in touch with folks with formal instructions at the end of the summer.

Leave me your thoughts, 3.5.

Until next time, this has been Bookshelf Q. Battler and Video Game Rack Fighter, signing off:

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News Out of Comic Con 7/11/15

What I’ve picked up so far through the Twitterverse…

  • New Star Wars Villains = Kylo Ren, General Hux, Captain Phasma

For more see this IGN article.

  • J Law bid a fond farewell to her Katniss character from the Hunger Games.

Fear the Walking Dead (companion series to AMC’s The Walking Dead) was released.  See it below:

According to the trailer, we learn a bit more about the zombie outbreak, namely that it is caused by some kind of virus.

You may recognize the mother of the family as Kim Dickens aka Detective Rhonda Boney from Gone Girl.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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