Monthly Archives: July 2015

Movie Review – Trainwreck (2015)

A hard partying, traditional lifestyle loathing gal is forced to face her fear of commitment when she meets a man worth committing to.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of Amy Schumer’s comedy Trainwreck.

SPOILERS ahead that will totally wreck your good time if you haven’t seen it yet.

Trainwreck – Movieclips Trailers

3.5 Readers, let me start with this:

I LOVE AMY SCHUMER.

Male or Female, I think she’s the funniest comedian out there right now.

Her Comedy Central show, Inside Amy Schumer, regularly leaves me in stitches.  In particular, two sketches she put out this season have caused her stock to rise:

  • Last F*&kable Day – Amy has a picnic with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Tina Fey and Patricia Arquette and hilariously discuss how the media puts an expiration date of female actresses, leaving them unable to play anything other than frumpy mother types whereas male actors are left to play leading men until a ripe old age.  (“Remember how Sally Field played Tom Hanks’ love interest in Punchline and then five minutes later she was his mom in Forrest Gump?”)
  • Twelve Angry Men Inside Amy Schumer – In a parody of the classic jury deliberation film, twelve men deliberate whether or not Amy is hot enough to be allowed on TV, thus pointing out how women are often judged more on their looks than what actual talents and qualities they have to offer.

But before you rush to label her some kind of radical feminist, keep in mind she’s an equal opportunist when it comes to dishing the dirt, and in this reviewer’s eyes, there’s no better sign of a great comic than pulling no punches.

In other words, while she’s been great at pointing out difficulties women go through, she also gets men have it tough at times as well.  Thus, there’s the sketch where she dons the guise of a karate sensei and educates men on how to verbally spar with their angry girlfriends (“She will be unable to defy the authority of therapy and Oprah”)  or the sketch where women walk through the “Museum of Boyfriend Outfits” and react to various bad outfits worn by boyfriends as if they were some of history’s greatest atrocities. (In other words, sometimes women judge men a bit too harshly as well).

In short, she’s great.  I’m a big fan.  A big, big fan.

That’s why it’s hard for me to say answer this question:

Is this a good movie?

Answer:  It depends.

If you’re going because you love her TV show and were hoping this movie was going to be Amy’s big break to knock it out of the park, then you might be disappointed.

At least I was.

I judge comedies based on one question:

Did it make me laugh?

Answer:  Only a few times, and mostly at characters other than Amy’s.

Laughter is the most honest of emotional reactions.  Either something tickles your funny bone or it doesn’t.

For the most part, this didn’t.

Everyone’s sense of humor is different.  You might disagree and love it.

Colin Quinn doesn’t disappoint as Amy’s dad, Gordon, the womanizing commitment phobe whose bad example sets Amy up for a lifetime of cheap one-night stands and avoidance of any real intimacy.

Surprisingly, NBA superstar LeBron James steals the show.

Often times, sports star cameos in movies are flat.  Athletes aren’t trained in the theatrical arts, after all.  But LeBron, who plays himself as the friend of sports doctor Aaron (Amy’s love interest), turned in a funny performance that left me feeling like he was comfortable in front of a camera.

Hell, if this basketball thing ever stops working for him, he has a second career waiting for him as a thespian.

But while Colin and LeBron provided me with some chuckles, Amy just didn’t razzle my dazzle in this one.

Am I being too hard on her?  Maybe.  Maybe it’s just because her show is so great that I was expecting to roll in the aisles for this movie.  Maybe I built it up too much in my head.

Or maybe gut busting laughter wasn’t what the film was meant to be about, because if your goal in seeing it is to take in a sweet romance (albeit with R rated debauchery mixed in), it does actually deliver.

The theme that ties the movie together?  People today are so interested in petty nonsense that doesn’t matter.  Looks.  Status. Fashion.

Amy works at a stereotypically fluff magazine where she and her co-workers write catty articles that judge people all day.

But as the story points out, if you’re too focused on getting drunk and random hook-ups, then you might let someone who’d bring a lot of joy into your life pass you by.

There’s been a bunch of movies where the man is the one who needs to tone down his playboy lifestyle in order to let a special lady into his heart.  Here, Amy puts a modern twist on that old rom-com trope by being the woman who needs to decide whether meaningless trysts are worth passing up a good life with a wonderful man who’d do anything for her.

For me, the scene that makes the movie work comes when Amy’s nephew asks his aunt whether or not she likes Aaron.  Amy stumbles, says yes, but then starts to go into a longwinded explanation as to why that’s not enough, but the kid just interrupts with a, “Why don’t you invite him over?”

TRANSLATION:  So many potentially great relationships hid the skids when people talk themselves into dumping people they like for silly, superficial reasons.

If two people like each other and get along, they need to hold onto each other for dear life, because those kinds of relationships are hard to find.  If passed up, they rarely, if ever, come along again, at least not anytime soon.

STATUS:  C- Comedy.  B+ Love Story.  Amy and Bill get a chance to display their acting chops.  Not the knockout I hoped it would be, but don’t feel too bad for Amy.  Her mug’s all over the place these days.

Not shelf-worthy but worth a rental.

(But for the record, few people in the entertainment industry have done more to champion the idea that people shouldn’t be judged based on their looks than Amy Schumer, so on that note, A+)

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Comic Con 2015 – The Man From UNCLE (Movie Trailer)

Ultra stylish James Bond-esque 1960’s British spy thriller based on an old TV series starring Henry Cavill of Man of Steel fame:

The Man from UNCLE – Warner Brothers Pictures

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Alien Jones Helps 17 Authors Promo Books and Blogs

Happy Thursday, 3.5 Readers.shutterstock_120849022

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

Afraid it’s one of those days where I don’t have much for you at all.

On a whim, I went back and tweeted every Indie Author that Alien Jones has promoted thus far since his Ask the Alien column started in March.

Sixteen so far and another author has already made an inquiry for this Sunday.

Check out @bookshelfbattle ‘s most recent tweets for all the indie book promo goodness.

Alien Jones’ question for you:

Why haven’t you asked the alien a question and gotten your plug yet?

Alien Jones has been on a hot streak.  This Sunday will mark 5 whole consecutive weeks of the Esteemed Brainy One answering a question.  (He’s answered questions from 16 going on 17 writers, but has sometimes gone a week or two here and there with no one consulting his bulbous brain.)

Can we keep this momentum going?

Ask the Alien a question and get in the cue!

It sure would make the Mighty Potentate happy and the happier the MP is, the less likely Alien Jones is to get vaporized by his boss.

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Pop Culture Mysteries: The Wrong Guy – Part 10

That great feeling when you put down something you (er, Jake) wrote for awhile, come back to it, and laugh…

bookshelfbattle's avatarBookshelf Battle

Previously on Pop Culture Mysteries…

And now the Pop Culture Mysteries continue…

The Cotton Candy Alligator.  What a place.

shutterstock_71510056

I’m not sure if crabs are airborne, but I felt itchy as soon as I walked through the double-doors.

The scent of body sweat and cheap perfume wafted up my nostrils as I was unceremoniously greeted by a bouncer who looked like a gorilla stuffed into an off-the-rack suit.

“Twenty bucks.”

Inflation’s a bitch.  In my day, you could oggle exotic dancers for less than what you people pay for coffee today.

I wanted to debate the point with the goon, but he didn’t appear to be the talkative type.

I retrieved an Andrew Jackson portrait out of Karen’s envelope and handed it over.  The mug lifted up the rope and let me in.

What a scene.  The room was lousy with tawdry, painted-up hussies and assorted deviants who preferred to pay…

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Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life – Parts 6-13

By now, BQB’s fearless 3.5 readers have devoured BQB and the Meaning of Life Intro and Parts 1-5, and are now chomping at the bit to find out what happens next.

Settle down, 3.5.  Settle down.

Your wait is over:

Part 6 – The Return of Bookshelf Q. Battler – Our humble blog host wakes up in the hospital to discover Aunt Gertie (one of his 3.5 readers) was one of the only 3.5 people who missed him while he was dead due to a tragic bout with a chronic case of Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death.  Dr. Goetleib informs BQB this condition is more common than you’d think.

In fact, a group of well-intentioned celebrities recently recorded a PSA about LITPTD.

Part 7 – The Butt Pillow – The tiny inhabitants of BQB’s magic bookshelf, the shelf that fuels the fire of a blog beloved by 3.5 readers, apologize for the chicanery that got their caretaker injured.

Part 8 – Troublesome Characters – BQB considers transferring ownership of the magic bookshelf to fantasy author Joel L.L. Torrow, known throughout the literary world as the writer who bumps off a dozen characters a day before breakfast.

Fun fact – Joel recently sat down with BQB for a Q and A session about Joel’s epic fantasy series, A Dirge of Murder and Betrayal.

Don’t forget BQB’s review of Torrow’s series.

"I think I found them!"

“I think I found them!”

Part 9 – The Game is Afoot! – Diminutive versions of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson come to BQB’s aid, even though theirhelp is not wanted (a fact BQB expresses vigorously.)

Concerned that BQB has lost his vigor, Holmes vows to solve, “The Case of the Missing Bookshelf Caretaker’s Testicles!”

Part 10 – Sell-Out – Utilizing his legendary powers of deduction, Holmes determines that BQB lost his mojo and quit on his dream of becoming a scribe when his ex-girlfriend Blandie yanked out his heart and used it as a hacky-sack.

BQB's ex-girlfriend, Blandie.  Literally, this was the expression she had on her face throughout the entire course of her whirlwind romance with BQB.

BQB’s ex-girlfriend, Blandie. Literally, this was the expression she had on her face throughout the entire course of her whirlwind romance with BQB.

BQB left writing for the business world, taking a low-level, go nowhere assistant job at ridiculously boring conglomerate known as Beige Corp, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories.

We try not to bust on Beige Corp too hard as they’re one of the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s top sponsors.

“What if I’d spent the time working toward a business career that went nowhere on a writing career I’d of actually loved?”

It’s a question that muddles our resident nerd’s mind all the time.

Part 11 – A Most Annoying Manner – Bookshelf Q. Battledog leads our heroes to a clue as to how to find the meaning of life.

Part 12 – War in Pango Tango – The answer to the BQB’s question lies in the mind of The Great Guru, the wisest nerd in the entire world, who gained his wisdom by reading every book ever written.  Alas, his lair is located at the top of an enormous mountain situated in the middle of an island plagued by civil war.  Ironically, the Pangonians and the Tangonians have been shooting, bombing, and hacking each other to pieces for twenty years due to a feud over which side is more peaceful.

Part 13 – Young Duffer – BQB and the Incorrigible Monroe have a heart to heart.

Copyright (c) 2015 Bookshelf Q. Battler.  All Rights Reserved.

Attorney Donnelly advises: Any resemblance to real individuals or characters in other literary works is intended for parody purposes only and not to take anything away from those fine works.  Also, said alleged resemblances are probably just imaginary and you made them up in your head.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #003 – Relationships (Completed Case File)

5 bucks a case?  I need to renegotiate my contract.

Ever the pop culture fanatic, my boss, the exceptionally poindexterish Bookshelf Q. Battler, was a fan of a series of science fiction films about a teenage boy who travels through time with the aid of an elderly mad scientist with crazy hair.

Fine flicks to be sure, but the question on the boss’ mind?

How the hell did these cats know each other?

Most movies give you at least an inkling about how the main characters met, but this secret was tougher to crack than a titanium walnut.

The patented Jake Hatcher finesse was going to be needed for this one. Luckily, it was always in stock.

Part 1 – BQB’s attorney, the dazzling debutante Delilah K. Donnelly might have been the apple of my eye, but I was clearly the gum stuck under her shoe.  I hoped her late night visit was a sign she was hungry for a heaping helping Hatcher of hash browns.

Part 2 – Speaking of relationships, I reveal to the 3.5 readers of this site how my landlady, Ms. Tsang and I met…a long, long time ago.

Part 3 –  Agnes the Librarian does my homework again for me.  I ought to split the five bucks with her but…I’ve got expenses.

Part 4 – Like so much laundry, I hang up the research and figure out what’s dry and what’s all wet.

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Authors: Share your books/links here!

Author Brittney Sahin offers authors the chance to share links to their books, blogs, etc.

As a believer in self publishing karma (help others enough and the help will come back to you when you need it), I think this is a great idea.

brittneysahin's avatarbrittneysahin

Authors: Advertise here!think-you-dont-like-romance-novels-ftr

Twice a month I would like to have fellow authors share their WIP or their current works for sale. I invite everyone to post links to their personal websites, other social accounts, or advertise a link to BUY. Both traditional and indie authors are welcome to post. Use this space to BRAG about what you are working on – or what you have published! Be proud of your hard-work & not embarrassed to self-promote!

Wouldn’t it be great if we could all give up our day jobs (if you haven’t already) – and do what we were born to do? WRITE. Let’s help each other out.

  • If you are a blogger/writer without a work for sale – still join in (advertise your blog)
  • I will post links to various social platforms for readers to discover your work. I will also be a customer! If I see something…

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Alien Jones on a Hot Streak

Alien Jones

Alien Jones

Bookshelf Q. Battler here to talk about my intergalactic correspondent, the one, the only, the pantsless Alien Jones.

The Esteemed Brainy One has been on a roll lately.

He of the Amazing Gray Matter has had a question from a different self published author to answer every Sunday for the past four weeks, and there’s already one in the cue for this Sunday.  That’ll make five weeks of AJ goodness.

On top of that, since his column began earlier this year, he has amassed quite an impressive list of author promos.

3.5 readers, I never asked to be the chosen one of an unnamed planet’s Supreme and Unquestioned Overlord.  When Alien Jones showed up at the Bookshelf Battle compound and informed me the Mighty Potentate had sent him on a mission to help me get my writing career off the ground, I was truly humbled.

Alien Jones’ Mission?

To:

A)  Answer questions from self-publishing authors in his “Ask the Alien Column.”

The Mighty Potentate, Supreme and Unquestionable Ruler of a Planet the Name of Which is None of Your Beeswax

The Mighty Potentate, Supreme and Unquestionable Ruler of a Planet the Name of Which is None of Your Beeswax

This mission stems largely from the Mighty Potentate’s utter disgust with Earth’s reality television and a fear that these horrid shows will one day permeate the airwaves of every television in the universe (including the Potentate’s home planet) if more fiction and/or scripted media is not produced to stem the tide.

Thus, by enlisting Alien Jones to write for my blog, the Mighty Potentate hopes:

B)  Earthlings will read his answers and become smarter.  Increased intelligence=increased aversion to shows about models deciding which handbag to buy, or which billionaire to marry, or dudes running pawn shops, or catching fish, or pawning their fish.

Here’s a chicken vs. the egg scenario: Does reality tv make Earthlings dumber or do we produce and consume so much reality TV because we’re so dumb in the first place?

(We may think we’re smart but we’re comparatively dumb compared to the highly accomplished aliens of Alien Jones’ homeworld, the name of which the Mighty Potentate refuses to publicize out of a fear that Hollywood suits will invest in and unlock the secrets of interspace travel so as to deliver shows about Kim Kardashian throughout the cosmos.)

C)  Alien Jones’ witty commentaries will bring more eyes on my work, thus attracting Hollywood suits to turn my ideas into movies and TV shows, thus reducing air time for reality TV.

D)  AJ’s promos of other self-published authors will also help promote more fiction and veer the public’s attention away from reality TV.

REALITY TELEVISION SHOWS THAT MOST OFFEND THE MIGHTY POTENTATE

1)  So You Want to Be an Emu Farmer?

2)  Schmuck House (Twelve people of various backgrounds live together in a house for a year and compete to be the biggest schmuck)

3)  Hot Women Go Shopping and Carry Purse Dogs and You Really Want to Marry Them Until They Start Talking

4)  Body Odor Wars

5)  Cactus Trimmers

6)  Hoarders vs. Preppers

7)  Hoarders vs. Preppers vs. Zombies

8)  Hot Dog Stand Intervention (A world renowned hot dog cooking expert travels the world helping hot dog cart vendors upgrade and pimp out their hot dog carts)

9)  Rabid Badger Island (10 idiots are dropped off on an island with a rabid badger.  Who will survive?  Who will be eaten by a rabid badger?  Alliances will be made and loyalties tested.)

10)  Mr. Outdoorsman – (This week, Mr. Outdoorsman survives in the wild for three weeks drinking his own fluids and consuming nothing but bugs and grass only to realize he’s not lost, he was in his own back yard the entire time and his house is five feet away).

Is there a point to this post?

Yes.

If you’re a self-published author, be a sport and ask Alien Jones a question.  He’ll come up with a witty answer, promo your book, your author blog, page, etc.

In addition to being promo’d on bookshelfbattle.com, BQB always tweets a link to AJ’s column on Twitter, and posts a link on his Bookshelf Battle Google Plus page.

Do you have anything to lose?  Not really.  If you decide you despise Alien Jones’ promo of your work, no problem.  Just bring it to BQB’s attention and AJ’s promo of your work will be vaporized.

That hasn’t been a problem yet though.  Every author so far has been pretty pleased.

I’d love it if this could become a thing, like getting parodied on SNL, you know you’ve made it in the self publishing racquet if the little green guy answers your question.

What can your question be about?  Anything.  Some people get elaborate.  Some make it simple.  You can be funny and witty or serious, whatever.  Several authors have picked subject matters that are discussed in their books but that’s up to you.

Think of it this way.  One day when your book sells a million copies, Jimmy Fallon will demand you come on the Tonight Show and do an outrageous bit with him.  Asking the Alien a question is like practice for your big day.

Needless to say, the Esteemed Brainy One always reserves the right to NOT answer your question or NOT promo you.  It hasn’t happened yet but, you know, if your book’s called “Hooray for Hitler!” we’re going to take a pass.

As always, thanks for reading 3.5 readers.

Let’s keep this Alien Jones hot streak going.

Sincerely,

Bookshelf Q. Battler, World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies, and Assorted Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter and Blogger-in-Chief for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Gray alien image courtesy of openclipart.org

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Pop Culture Mysteries: The Wrong Guy – Part 10

Previously on Pop Culture Mysteries…

And now the Pop Culture Mysteries continue…

The Cotton Candy Alligator.  What a place.

shutterstock_71510056

I’m not sure if crabs are airborne, but I felt itchy as soon as I walked through the double-doors.

The scent of body sweat and cheap perfume wafted up my nostrils as I was unceremoniously greeted by a bouncer who looked like a gorilla stuffed into an off-the-rack suit.

“Twenty bucks.”

Inflation’s a bitch.  In my day, you could oggle exotic dancers for less than what you people pay for coffee today.

I wanted to debate the point with the goon, but he didn’t appear to be the talkative type.

I retrieved an Andrew Jackson portrait out of Karen’s envelope and handed it over.  The mug lifted up the rope and let me in.

What a scene.  The room was lousy with tawdry, painted-up hussies and assorted deviants who preferred to pay women for their time rather than earn it through their wit and charm.

That’s not my style.  If I can’t earn a woman’s time through my wit and charm then I’d just rather be alone.

Coincidentally, I spent a lot of time alone.

It was interesting to mingle with twenty-first century folk.

“What can I get you honey?”

The barkeep was a real bodacious bimbo, face like a movie star and yet a pair of bosoms that looked like they’d been pilfered from a watermelon patch.

Breast enhancement surgery.  Nose reduction surgery.  All kinds of plastic surgery.

One of the more shocking parts of modern life for me was realizing that everyone and their mother was doling out their hard-earned cash to disreputable quacks to tinker with what God gave them.

Take what you were born with and do your best, I always say.

And I know that’s easy for me to say because, hell, I’m more handsome than Cary Grant on his best day, but still.  It just seems to me that society has devolved into a bunch of people who are preoccupied with what other people think of them, but never bother to just flat out talk to anyone anymore.

The art of “getting to know you” is dead.  Long live the age where you’re just another nameless face and if you can’t impress anyone within the first five minutes, you might as well get comfortable on the pine, because you’re going to be riding it the rest of your life.

“Nothing for me, doll.  Trying to keep my head clear.”

“There’s a two drink minimum.”

Another snow job.

“Well, I suppose if you’re going to twist my arm, sweetheart, I’ll take a whiskey straight up.”

Whatever happened to the lost art of conversation?  Barkeeps used to talk your ear off and you’d just keep buying drinks to keep the conversation going.  Everything’s so contrived now.

Suddenly, there was an uninvited posterior in my lap.  It was attached to a gal with pink hair and a skimpy red dress that barely covered her derriere.

“Hi there,”  she said in the worst attempt at a sultry voice I’d ever heard.  “My name’s Sinnamon.”

“Hello.”

“It’s spelled with an, “S” because I’m so sinful,”  the broad whispered into my ear.

“Darlin,’ if you have to explain it, it’s not that clever.”

The barkeep returned with my shot.

“6.50.”

Mother of God.  I forked over a ten-spot.  Karen’s envelope was getting lighter and lighter.

“Thanks for the tip baby,”  the bartender said.

I’d expected change but whatever.  If there’s one lesson I’ve learned from three marriages, it’s that arguing with a woman is pointless.

“What’s your name?”  Sinnamon asked.

“Huh?”

I wasn’t paying attention.  I was surveying the scene trying to see if I could figure out who Karen was.

Myron the self-proclaimed Rastafarian said that Craig shacked up with a working girl named Karen.

Lou had an envelope of cash with Karen’s name on it.

Dollars to donuts both Karens were the same dame.

“Your name, honey?”  Sinnamon asked as she stared at me through a pair of big brown eyes.

I suppose most men would find that enchanting, maybe even endearing, but I was immune to feminine wiles.  That tends to happen when your first wife cheats on you with your partner and your second wife shoots you six times and leaves you for dead so she can run off with your rotten, good for nothing brother.

Women just didn’t have the power over me that they used to.  At least most women didn’t.  A classy dame like Delilah could ask me to hurl myself into the Grand Canyon and the only thing I’d ask her if I should do a back flip or a swan dive.

“Peter Lorrie,”  I said.  “I’m an actor.”

“You are?!”

Wow.  It was easy to pull that broad’s leg.

“Yes.  I always play the bad guy.  You might not recognize me as I just got eyeball reduction surgery.”

“Do you want to read my screenplay?”  Sinnamon asked as she hopped off my lap.  “It’s in my locker.  Hold on I’ll get it for you!”

A hazard of living in LA – every yahoo within the city limits has a screenplay they’re pushing.  And when I say “everybody,” I mean everybody.  The bus driver, the barber, the waitress at the diner, the kid that fetches your burger at the drive-thru, the guy that holds the door open for you when you visit a fancy building – everyone of them is trying to break into the business.

On any given day, a visitor to the City of Angels is in danger of having approximately sixty-five screenplays thrust upon him.

“No,”  I said as I downed my shot.  “No, no.  That’s ok doll.”

“Are you sure?”  Sinnamon asked.  “It’ll just take a minute.”

“Yeah,”  I said.  “I’ve been outta’ the business for awhile and I’d rather you wait and find someone who can give your story some extra oomph.  Surely a lady of your obvious talent deserves nothing less.”

Sinnamon put her hand on my shoulder.  A little tear popped out of her eye.

“That’s literally the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me in here.”

“Then I feel sorry for you.”

She was back on the lap.  I get most men like that but all I could think about was how many other laps she’d sat on that day and how many lap-to-butt germs was she dropping off onto my lap.  I’d have to ask Ms. Tsang to starch my trousers as soon as I got home.

“I like you, Peter.”

“Can’t say as I blame you.”

“You know I don’t tell many guys this but my real name is Ferrari.”

Ferrari.  They had those in my day too.  Fast cars but everyone wants to drive them and dump them as soon as they get the gas bill. Like a mini-van that gets you from point a to point b, I preferred my women to be dependable and reliable.

“Listen sister,”  I said.  “This aint’ my first go-round in a jiggle joint.”

“Excuse me?”

“There’s no excuse for you,”  I said.  “You think I just fell off the turnip truck?  That ‘tell a guy a first fake name then tell him a second fake name is your real name’ is the oldest trick in the book, see?  Designed solely for the purposes of extracting dinero from the pockets of mouth breathing slobs you dames dupe into thinking you give a damn about them.”

“Well,”  Sinnamon/Ferrari said as she tickled my arm gently and batted her eyelashes.  “Did it work?”

“Nope.”

“So you don’t want to go to the champagne room?”

“The champagne room?  What the hell’s that?”

Sinnamon, oh what the hell, “Ferrari” whispered some naughtyness into my ear, the kind of foul language that would of made a nun blush.

“Really?”  I asked.

Ferrari nodded.

“How do you…”

She whispered the answer.

“With your…and your…on my?”

Another whisper.

“I’m no doctor but that seems rather unhygienic if you ask me.”

Whisper whisper.

“How much would that whole hullabaloo set a fella back?”

I only asked for curiosity purposes.  We private dicks are nothing if not inquisitive.

Ferrari whispered the price tag in my ear.

“Get out of town on the next train to Juarez!”  I shouted, a bit too loudly as I caused heads to turn all over the joint.  People were able to hear me even over the crappy house music.

“What’re you, smuggling conflict diamonds in there or something?”

The gal smooched me on the cheek.

“OK baby if you’re broke then you’re just wasting my time.  I’ll see you later.”

“Hold on doll,”  I said as I pulled another twenty out of Karen’s envelope.

“A tip?”  the dancer asked as she reached for it.  “That’s sweet.”

“Nah,”  I said.  “If I was going to give you a tip, sweetheart, I’d tell you to call your parents and apologize for your life choices.  I want to buy some information.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Which one of these floozies is Karen?”

Copyright (c) 2015 Bookshelf Q. Battler.  All Rights Reserved.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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How to Self-Publish an eBook on Amazon

Hey 3.5 Readers,

Reblogging this post by Shannon Meyerkort, who gives a pretty detailed and helpful discussion of how to get a self-published book onto Amazon.

Shannon Meyerkort's avatarshannonmeyerkort.com

You may be familiar with my story about a post I wrote a few years ago: The Brutal Truth About the Third Child. It has been republished on a number of other sites, much bigger than my own, and as such – has always done a lot better for them, than it ever did for me.

Recently, I wanted to see if I could cash in on my own success, so I decided to turn The Brutal Truth, and a number of other posts about The Third Child, into a book which I self-published on Amazon.

The Brutal Truth About the Third Child by Shannon Meyerkort

The process was amazingly simple, and I am sharing it here – partly so I can remember it next time – but also for anyone who is considering self-publishing a book.

This is a really basic guide, and I do not pretend to be an expert. My book was text heavy with hardly…

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