We here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog celebrate winners.
Winners = yay.
Losers = boo.
And no, you’re not a loser if you’re reading this blog…you’ve already lost.
You have to have more stuff to lose to be a loser. If you’ve lost it all then you’re a lost person.
So without further ado 3.5 lost readers, join me in sacrificing your non-existent dignity as we explore the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be a Loser:
#10 – You come up with excuses to lose and or not win. “Waaah my parents were mean to me…Waah my childhood was terrible…Waah all the kids at school picked on me…Waah I lost all my limbs in a tragic jet ski accident.”
Just stop. Yes others have had fewer hurdles to jump over and clearer paths to victory. But comparing yourself to them or wishing them ill will and sulking over your misery will get you nowhere.
So hike up your pants, screw your courage to the sticking post and be a winner.
#9 – You still buy DVDs from that bargain bin at the store. Stop! Cease investing in a dead technology immediately! Little kids in third world countries are being whipped into re-packaging 1990s Rom Coms just to make them look more interesting for people like you.
#8 – You explain all your jokes. If you have to explain it then it isn’t funny.
Also, don’t apologize for not being funny. I’ve never ever apologized yet for this pitiful blog and I never will.
#7 – Sweat pants are the gateway drug to loserdom. The more comfortable you are the less likely you’ll want to leave your house in order to go out into the world and win.
Thus, wear two sizes too small leather pants at all times.
#6 – Will you please stop spending all your money on useless crap?
Seriously, whenever some dumbass complains to me that they don’t have enough money it’s all I can do to not point out the solid gold spinning rims they attached to their Honda Civic or their wardrobe full of elaborate cos play costumes or their action figure collection which I now realize I’m guilty of.
Winners save. Bank the scrilla today to be a balla tomorrow.
#5 – Don’t ask someone who has dumped you already to take you back.
Look even if your face looks like a butt and you have no style, no money, no job, no friends, no social graces and you spend all your time writing Firefly fan fiction you still need to convince yourself that your ex was too much of a loser to recognize a winner in order to maintain a winning personality.
#4 – You’re too quick to admit you are wrong just to make someone you’re talking to happy.
Stick to your guns at least once a day on a ridiculous subject.
Swear on a stack of bibles that the sky is taupe.
Inform everyone that Sammy Davis Jr once served as Pope and you will not hear arguments to the contrary.
Shout that hamsters control the banking industry.
If people get worn out telling you that you’re wrong then congratulations on the win!
#3 – You’re the guy or gal no one wants to talk to.
Anyone talk to you lately?
#2 – You save torn Christmas wrapping paper to re-use next year.
Sigh. You have lost and you make Baby Jesus cry.
#1 – You write blogs only read by 3.5 people…but not this blog.
This blog is a winner and it isn’t fault that there aren’t enough winners in the world to recognize it.