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Jun 16 2017

I Sold My First Book

Hey 3.5 readers.

I’m trying not to be that guy, you know the “Oh look at me I self-published a book guy!” but sometimes this blog is more for me than for you, although I’m happy to have all 3.5 of you.

Often, I forget what I write and surprise myself with forgotten memories years later. So I’d like to record this one.

I sold my first book! I’ve given 120 copies away for free but now someone actually parted with money to read my book. Huzzah!

Priced at 99 cents, I have an entire 35 cents coming my way (Amazon gets the other 64 cents.)

What should I do with my newfound 35 cents, 3.5 readers? (Hmm…is that a sign, since “35” is just 3.5 without the point? Interesting…)

I thought about cashing it out and wearing the coins in a little sack around my neck. It would probably impress all the ladies at da club.

But instead, I think I will save it. I’ve got an empty mayonnaise jar on my desk and it is labeled “BQB’s Malibu Beach House Party Featuring Scantily Clad Women of Ill Repute with Loose Morals.”

35 cents in. $999,999.64 to go.

Anyone want to pay me $999,999.64 for a book? No? OK just checking.

Thank you first person to buy my book. I hope you enjoy it.

Be the second person to buy my book for 99 cents!

Bookshelf Q battlers for Amazon

Tagged book bloggers, books, Comedy, funny, humor, writers, Writing Prompts

Jun 16 2017

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Toilet Gator

Professor Lambert sucked copious amounts of Mississippi mud bud smoke out of a hot pink bong and puffed it out into the atmosphere of his cramped office. He kicked up his feet up and reached for the remote control for the TV sitting on the edge of his desk.

“That’s good shit,” the Professor said. “Good shit indeed.”

The Professor took another hit. He could feel his brain fogging up and all his problems floating away.

“Why can’t I grow this myself?” the Professor asked out loud. “I’m a scientist, Goddamnit. I don’t have to pay highway robbery prices to some pipsqueak community college student.”

Professor Lambert picked up his cellphone, completely oblivious to the ten requests from Sharon to join the gang’s group conversation on his screen. He clicked a button and pulled up his phone’s virtual assistant.

“Sally?”

Sally’s automated voice emanated from the phone. “Yes, Professor?”

“Remind me to learn how to grow pot,” the Professor said.

“I’m sorry,” Sally said. “I do not understand, ‘Remind me how to grow pot.’ Would you like me to search the Internet for it?”

Professor Lambert sucked up some more bong smoke, then coughed and wheezed before finally composing himself.

“You’re utterly useless, Sally,” Professor Lambert said.

“I don’t have to sit here and take this,” Sally replied.

“Fine!” the Professor said. “Go on and leave, like every other woman in my life!”

“Well,” Sally said. “Maybe if you were capable of bringing a woman to orgasm, one of them would have stuck around!”

Shocked at his virtual assistant’s response, the Professor pushed the bong to the side. “Sally?”

“Yes, Professor?” Sally asked.

“Did you just say what I think you just said or am I tripping balls?”

“I do not understand, ‘Did you just say what I think you just said or am I tripping balls?’ Would you like me to do a web search for…”

“Bah!” the Professor shouted as he chucked his phone into the trash can. “Who needs you?”

Professor Lambert turned on his TV and began surfing channels.

“Let’s see what’s on,” the Professor said. “Reality show. Reality show. Game show. Game show. Some crazy old bag bitching about President Stugotz. Get a real job, hippy!”

The Professor settled on an old rerun of Dumb Dad, America’s favorite sitcom about the country’s dumbest Dad. Every episode revolved around how the Shaw family consisted of a highly intelligent wife and two precocious teenagers whose lives were made unbearable by the epic stupidity of the family’s patriarch.

“I love this show,” Professor Lambert said as he settled in. He watched the screen as Ed Shaw aka Dumb Dad walked into the kitchen and pulled out a chocolate cake.

“Ooo,” Dumb Dad said. “Eddie likey!”

Professor Lambert laughed and slapped his knee. “Oh, Dumb Dad! You know that’s Sarah’s cake for the PTA bake sale!”

Dumb Dad grabs a knife, fork, and plate and slices himself a nice, big slab of cake. He digs in as canned audience laughter plays amidst a series of “Uh Ohs!”

Champ, the family pooch, ran into the kitchen. The scruffy little mutt looked up at Dumb Dad and panted eagerly.

“No, boy!” Dumb Dad said. “Dogs can’t have chocolate! Even a big dummy like me knows that!”

“Honey!” came the voice of Dumb Dad’s long suffering, put upon wife Sarah. “Do me a favor and don’t touch the chocolate cake in the fridge, OK?”

Dumb Dad choked on the cake in his mouth and put down the plate. “OK,” he said as big cake crumbs poured out of his mouth. “Is it for something special?”

“Yeah,” came Sarah’s voice from upstairs. “It’s for the school bake sale.”

Dumb Dad looked at the family dog and mouthed the words, “Oh my God!” Cue canned laughter.

“School bake sale, you say?” Dumb Dad asked.

“Yeah,” Sarah shouted downstairs. “The school needs to raise money to save the music program and you know how badly Amy wants to learn how to play the cello.”

“Oh, sure, sure,” Dumb Dad said. “She’s one hell of a cello player, our Amy, yes indeed.”

“Right,” Sarah said. “And a recruiter from Juliard was going to come to the schools concert next month, but if the music program isn’t funded then the concert is off.”

“Oh!” Dumb Dad said. “We wouldn’t want that!”

“Not at all,” Sarah said.

The laugh track blared as Dumb Dad slapped himself in the face. “What have I done? I’ve ruined my little girl’s dream!”

Dumb Dad picked up Champ and looked the canine right in his adorable little eyes. “Why don’t you tell me these things?!”

“Woof!” Champ said as he licked his master’s nose.

Dumb Dad put the dog down and looked around the kitchen in a desperate search for a solution.

“Anyway,” Sarah said. “You want to come with?”

“Huh?” Dumb Dad asked.

“The bake sale,” Sarah said. “I could use some company. It starts in a half-hour.”

“Oh, sure, sure,” Dumb Dad said. “I’d love to.”

Dumb Dad saw Champ snacking on kibble from a bowl and his eyes widened as the sound of the audience saying, “Oh no!” played.

“Get out of the way, boy!” Dumb Dad nudged the dog aside, picked up the bowl, and dumped the kibble into the spot he’d cut into.

“Great,” Sarah said. “I’ll be down soon.”

“OK,” Dumb Dad said. “Can’t wait.”

Dumb Dad uttered his magic catchphrase, the one that always incited guffaws across the nation. “Sweet merciful butt nuggets!

Champ followed his owner as Dumb Dad opened the fridge and poked his head inside. Moments later, he pulled out a big can marked, “chocolate frosting.” He grabbed a knife, dipped it into the can, and slathered the kibble with frosting.

Dumb Dad’s son, Lenny, entered the kitchen and caught his father in the act. “Hi Dad! Whatcha doing?”

“This is not what it looks like,” Dumb Dad said.

“It looks like you ate a big hunk of Mom’s bake sale cake and now you’re trying to cover it up by packing the hole with dog food and covering it with chocolate frosting,” Lenny said.

“Then it’s exactly what it looks like,” Dumb Dad said. “Tell no one.”

Lenny smirked and held out his hand. Dumb Dad put a five dollar bill into it. “Extortionist.”

Professor Lambert laughed and laughed and laughed. He then flipped the channel and resumed his channel surfing session.

“Oh Dumb Dad,” the Professor said. “I hope when Mrs. Pendergast gets sick eating all that dog food you’ll learn a valuable lesson about honesty.”

The Professor grabbed his bong and toked up. He blew out some smoke and scratched his head.

“Huh,” the Professor said. “I was supposed to do something…but what was it? Hmm…oh well, if it’s important, it will come to me.”

Meanwhile, inside the Professor’s trash can, his phone buzzed. Had he been in a better state of mind, he would have picked it up and noticed the message on his screen: “Incoming Call – Sharon Walker.”

Tagged Comedy, funny, humor, Toilet Gator, writers, writing

Jun 15 2017

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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Chapter 99

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“Cole!” Sharon shouted. “Are you crazy?!”

Cole gripped the gator’s skin with every ounce of strength he had in him, holding on tight as Skippy pressed forward, bucking wildly to the left and right in a vain attempt to throw Cole off while he chased the Diablo.

A bullet whizzed past Cole’s head.

“Rusty, you asshole!” Cole screamed. “Cease fire!”

The skies opened and the rain poured down heavily. This made it even more difficult for Cole to hold on. Plus, the poor weather interfered with the group cell phone conversation. Cole could barely make out the words that were being spoken to him through the static.

“My bad,” Rusty said. “Bzztt bssshhhkktz…I was aiming at the gator.”

Cole pulled out a long, incredibly sharp combat knife with a jagged edge from a sheath clipped to his belt. He used his left hand to clutch the gator’s hide even harder, while he used his right hand to raise the blade high into the air and bring it down onto the gator’s head.

Snap! The blade broke off as soon as it hit the gator’s head, flew into the air and clattered on the highway below.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Cole said.

“Cole,” came the voice of Maude in Cole’s ear. “Are you ever gonna put on some pants or are you just gonna let your tucas flap in the breeze all day for the entire world to see?”

“Not exactly my top priority right now, Maude!” Cole said.

“Yeah, well, make it a priority to get off that gator,” Maude said. “How in the hell am I going to shove this big rig up his ass when you’re riding him like Seabiscuit?”

Cole turned to the right and looked at the giant, gator-sized dent in the trailer attached to the right Burt was driving. “Doesn’t look like it will work.”

“Won’t hurt to try,” Maude said.

Sharon and Rusty were ahead of Cole. Maude’s truck was to the left. Burt’s truck remained on the right. Behind him? A plethora of fast moving cars that were virtually certain to run him over if the gator didn’t find a way to mangle him first.

Cole spotted a bright, shiny grab bar next to the driver’s side door of Burt’s truck.

“Here goes nothing,” Cole said. With his one and only leg, he pushed off of Skippy’s back, narrowly missed being snapped between a set of gator jaws, and snagged hold of the grab bar with his right hand.
Burt rolled down his window. “Son, you must have a death wish!”

The old man kept one hand on the wheel of the big rig and offered Cole his left hand. Cole grabbed it, shimmied through the open window and into the passenger’s side of the cab.

“Oh God,” Cole said as he struggled to catch his breath. “Oh my God.”

“Looks like killing a toilet gator is harder than we thought,” Burt said.

“You think?” Cole asked.

The Diablo swerved and sideswiped Maude’s rig.

“Whoa,” Maude said. “Watch it there, girly!”

“This thing handles like shit in the rain!” Sharon said. “I’ve got to get off.”

“Take the next exit,” Cole said. “We’ll head downtown and box him in.”

Tagged action, car chases, Comedy, funny, horror, humor, Toilet Gator

Jun 15 2017

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Best Pickup Lines

Best Pickup Lines – #175-200

#175 – Picture it. You and me on a deserted island. Also, there’s a monkey playing a banjo. The monkey serenades, then starts touching himself. We want to look away but oddly enough, we cannot. We then make hot passionate live while the monkey periscopes the entire affair.

#176 – I’m the other white meat.

#177 – Can I check you for stretch marks?

#178 – Can I check you for track marks?

#179 – Can I check the marks on your college transcript? I don’t want to date a dummy.

#180 – Can I check the marks on your college transcript to make sure you did poorly? I find that dummies make the best dates.

#181 – You’re so brave to go out in public, looking the way you do.

#182 – Nice dress. Do you always shop at the curtain store?

#183 – I want to kiss you all over…but first…liquid courage!

#184 – Would you like to travel the world? Would you also like to pay for all my tickets and travel expenses?

#185 – I’m a masseuse. My foldable table is in my trunk.

#186 – Did you know that one night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble? God, I wish Chess would get the band back together again.

#187 – I can take off my underwear without removing my pants. Care to see?

#188 – This hair is mine. Seriously. I have the receipt.

#189 – My back hair is thick and lush. You’ll feel like you’re running your fingers through a luxurious shag carpet.

#190 – Are you a religious woman? No? Don’t worry, I’ll have you screaming “Oh God!” by the end of the night.

#191 – Can we divvy up this bar tab? I had like one beer and you had a million rum and cokes.

#192 – All my past girlfriends are famous. They always end up with their faces plastered all over milk cartons.

#193 – I’d say it’s love at first sight, but I’ve been staring at you through your bedroom window for years now. Whoops! I let the cat out of the bag. Silly me.

#194 – I’m a male prostitute and I charge by the hour. How many hours can I put you down for?

#195 – Let’s do this! I just popped a viagra and I don’t want to waste it. Do you have any idea how much those pills cost?

#196 – Girl, you so fine you blow my mind.

#197 – May I have this dance? No? Fine, who needs you anyway?

#198 – I floss. My dentist tells me I have the gums of a thoroughbred race horse.

#199 – What would you do for a Klondike bar? I’m just curious because I have a whole box of them at home.

#200 – I’m so lonely.

Tagged dating, flirting, love, pickup lines, romance

Jun 15 2017

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Writing Prompts

BQB’s Writing Prompts Dropped to 99 Cents!

Ugh. Look how low I’ve fallen, 3.5 readers. The 99 cent bin already.

It was free for five days and in that time I gave away 120 free copies. I thought that was a good start.

I think it is worth more. It’s got a fabulous cover and some pretty funny content. However, after two days without a sale at $2.99, I decided that it would be better for the long run to just concentrate, for now, on bringing in more fans and then the profits will come later.

So, I’ll get a whopping 35 cents per 99 cent copy I sell, which should earn me an astounding $1.23 if all 3.5 of you fine readers buy a copy.

Just don’t do it all at once. I’m worried that extra $1.23 might move me into a higher tax bracket.

Buy my book here.

Bookshelf Q battlers for Amazon

Tagged amazon, amazon kdp, bookbloggers, books, self publishing, writers, writing, Writing Prompts

Jun 14 2017

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Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Who Was the Best Batman?

A) Adam West

B) Michael Keaton

C) Val Kilmer

D) George Clooney

E) Christian Bale

F) Ben Affleck

Rank them in the comments as to who you think is best to worst.

BQB’s ranking:

Best Humorous Batman = Adam West

Best Overall Batman = Michael Keaton

Best Serious Batman = Christian Bale

Acceptable Batman = Val Kilmer

Worst Batman Ever and the Studio Should Have Never Let It Happen – George Clooney

Blah, I’m Indifferent to This Batman = Ben Affleck

Tagged actors, batman, comic books, dc, Movies

Jun 14 2017

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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Network News One Transcript #10

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KURT MANLEY: Witnesses on the scene report that upon realizing that only unattractive people were consumed by the mudslide, emergency service personnel turned around and went bowling instead, allowing all those uggos to die a slow, miserable death via mud suffocation. Yeesh. Mud in the lungs. Gotta hate it when that happens. Lucky for me, I’m Kurt Manley, the most handsome anchor in the news game, so I don’t have to worry about anything.

(Kurt looks to another camera)

KURT MANLEY: Good morning, USA. If you’re just waking up, it’s time to rub the krispies out of your eyeballs, maybe take a shower and brush your teeth because I’m sure you all stink. Don’t forget to put your used diapers outside. We’ve been getting reports here at NN1 that imbeciles all across our great nation have been allowing their used diapers to pile up in their homes until the stench becomes so unbearable that all occupants of the home pass out cold. Yes, America, our long, national nightmare is not over yet. The toilet gator is still on the loose and we’re receiving second hand reports from lesser rival news networks that he struck again, this time at an e-mail spammer convention in downtown Miami. Not sure why our Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties posted in South Florida wasn’t on this breaking story like stink on a monkey but don’t you worry folks, I’ll be chewing her out royally later.

In the meantime, to take your mind of all this, why don’t you put on a fresh diaper and take a load off, because world famous rapper Stank Daddy is in the studio, here to dish about everything from his sadness over the late Countess Cucamonga to his new album. Stank, thanks for joining us.

(Camera pans out to show STANK DADDY at the news desk with Kurt. STANK DADDY wears ten shiny, solid gold chains around his neck, sports a gold tooth in his mouth and wears a purple suit topped off by a leopard print fedora. He clutches a fancy cane with a giant diamond on top.)

STANK DADDY: Yo, what up, K-Dawg? What’s crack-a-lackin’?

KURT MANLEY: K-Dawg. I like it. Thank you for joining us, Stank.

STANK DADDY: It’s all good, cuz.

KURT MANELY: Stank, you’re one of the top artists in the music industry. How are you and your peers coping with the tragic loss of Countess Cucamonga?

STANK DADDY: Aw, shit…we…oops…can I say shit?

KURT MANLEY: This network literally has no standards, Stank. Our late night host is a foul mouthed parrot who gets coked up while he reads funny headlines.

STANK DADDY: Aight, cool. Shit man, losing the Countess hit us all hard. She had one of the phattest asses in the game.

KURT MANLEY: Some say Lady Cyanide’s ass is fatter.

STANK DADDY: Pbbht, fool, please. You could put Lady Cyanide’s entire booty in the lower left quadrant of Countess Cucamonga’s left ass cheek, or at least you could have before that punk ass toilet gator bit it off.

KURT MANLEY: You sound like you’re taking this hard.

STANK DADDY: I am, but I’m just glad I got to work the Countess on “Phat Ass Slapper.”

KURT MANLEY: Music historians I’ve spoken to tell me it is the best song ever recorded about slapping phat asses.

STANK DADDY: No doubt.

KURT MANLEY: If you could say something to the Countess right now, what would it be?

STANK DADDY: Aw, now you put me on the spot, son. I dunno. I’d just tell her to keep on being her and I hope she’s having fun being the finest ass bitch in heaven. Shit, can I say “bitch?”

KURT MANLEY: You sure can. Hell, I say it to every woman I know, from my mother to all of the interns running around the studio. Helps them stay grounded.

(Kurt takes a sip out of his coffee mug, then spits it out in a giant spray towards the camera. He then looks off camera to his left and holds up his mug.)

KURT MANLEY: Bitch! Did you really give K-Dawg instant coffee? You know K-Dawg don’t do no instant coffee, bitch!”

(Kurt sets his mug down on the desk)

KURT MANLEY: Sorry, Stank. Sometimes K-Dawg feels like he’s got to smack a bitch.

STANK DADDY: I hear you, K-Dawg.

KURT MANLEY: Which brings us to another topic. Your critics say your last single, “Smack a Bitch” is little more than violent, anti-female misogyny sugarcoat with a slick, happening beat. What do you say?

STANK DADDY: Bitch, please. I’m one of the nicest, pro-woman mother fuckers around. Can I say mother fucker?

KURT MANLEY: Eh, you’re venturing into a shady territory but I’ll allow it.

STANK DADDY: I’m no woman hater. Everyone knows I treat a bitch right.

KURT MANLEY: Settle the dispute, right here and right now. Is the song “Smack a Bitch” actually about smacking a bitch?

STANK DADDY: As in committing violence against women? No.
KURT MANLEY: Then what is it about?

STANK DADDY: Rising up against the system and turning it up on its ear, man.

KURT MANLEY: The vast majority of your songs have lyrics that seem to suggest violence against women, but you deny that’s what they’re about?

STANK DADDY: I do.

KURT MANLEY: OK. I will now read a list of your past hits and you tell me what these songs are about, if not violence against women.

STANK DADDY: Go for it.

KURT MANLEY: “Kick a Bitch.”

STANK DADDY: Standing up to oppression.

KURT MANLEY: “Punch a Bitch.”

STANK DADDY: Income inequality.

KURT MANLEY: “Karate Chop a Bitch.”

STANK DADDY: Media bias.

KURT MANLEY: Do you think I’m biased?

STANK DADDY: Nah, you aight.

KURT MANLEY: “Shoot a bitch.”

STANK DADDY: Saving the whales.

KURT MANLEY: “Set Fire to a Bitch.”

STANK DADDY: Global warming.

KURT MANLEY: “Blow Up a Bitch with Dynamite.”

STANK DADDY: Historic injustice.

KURT MANLEY: “Cut Up a Bitch with a Chainsaw.”

STANK DADDY: Wall street corruption.

KURT MANLEY: “Drop a Nuclear Warhead on a Bitch.”

STANK DADDY: Putting an end to hate speech.
KURT MANLEY: “Sunlight Sprinkles On a Soft Kitten’s Whisker.”

STANK DADDY: OK, now that one was about smacking a bitch around and I regret that but in my defense, I was in a dark place at the time. You see, I had just broken up with my girl and I…

(Kurt Manley pushes two fingers down on his earpiece.)

KURT MANLEY: Stank, I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m receiving breaking news about a high speed chase involving the toilet gator…

STANK DADDY: Get the fuck outta here.

KURT MANLEY: OK, I can only let you have one more F-Bomb, Stank, and then I’m going to have to cut you off.

STANK DADDY: I did it.

(Footage of the chase plays. From the vantage point of Walter’s camera, the Yarikazi Diabo can be seen careening down the highway with the toilet gator close behind, snapping his jaws furiously. KURT MANLEY and STANK DADDY speak in voiceover conversation as the footage rolls.)

STANK DADDY: That is some fucked up shit.

KURT MANLEY: And that’s three.

STANK DADDY: Worth it.

KURT MANLEY: Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a hot pursuit along Route 199, a highway that runs through the South Florida community of Sitwell, where, as you might recall, a college student was eaten on the toilet just days ago. We can see two men firing shots at the actual toilet gator himself.

STANK DADDY: Those are some crazy ass white people, Kurt. You won’t catch my ass getting anywhere near no toilet gator.

KURT MANLEY: Crazy ass white people indeed. My word, whoever is driving that sports car is doing it rather recklessly, as you can see folks, and…whoa…the car just narrowly missed clipping a cement truck. That would have been nasty.

STANK DADDY: That is one fat ass toilet gator, Kurt.

KURT MANLEY: It certainly is. Goodness gracious, that big lizard is just cutting through every car he comes into contact with like a hot knife through butter. Look at the sheer, raw, unadulterated power of this monster.

STANK DADDY: The bullets are just bouncing off his ass.

KURT MANLEY: Yes and…oh my God! A live grenade was just fired at the toilet gator and it didn’t seem to phase him in the slightest.

STANK DADDY: Shit. Those crackas are gonna get their asses ate up.

KURT MANLEY: It seems that way. Hold on, I’m told our own Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Ass Titties is on the line while she’s driving a news van that’s keeping pace with this hot mess.

STANK DADDY: That doesn’t sound very safe to me, Kurt.

KURT MANLEY: Indeed it doesn’t. Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, you’re on the air…

(NATALIE BROCK’s voice sounds garbled as she’s speaking on a cell phone.)

NATALIE BROCK: Kurt, as you can see, Cole Walker, the former police chief of Sitwell, his fellow officer Rusty Yates are engaged in a terrifying, high speed standoff with FBI agent Sharon Walker at the wheel.

KURT MANLEY: Yeah, yeah, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. But what’s up with you getting scooped on the e-mail spammer story?

NATALIE BROCK: Excuse me, Kurt?”

KURT MANLEY: Our lesser rivals got to the story about the toilet gator eating a couple of e-mail spammers this morning whereas you’ve yet to file a report on it. What’s wrong with you? You got lead in your pants or something?

(NATALIE BROCK emits a violent growl.)

NATALIE BROCK: You know what, Kurt? I’m tired of your bullshit!

KURT MANLEY: Now, now Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, calm down…

NATALIE BROCK: No! I will not calm down! And my name is not “Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties!” I’m not even a blonde chick with big titties!

KURT MANLEY: You’re not that hot either…

NATALIE BROCK: Fuck you, Kurt!”

STANK DADDY: Oh, snap!

NATALIE BROCK: My name is Natalie Brock and you will call me that from now on!

KURT MANLEY: OK, Natalie. Gee whiz, looks like we caught you at that time of the month.

STANK DADDY: The red menace waits for no man or beast, Kurt.

KURT MANLEY: Indeed it doesn’t, Stank Daddy. Indeed it doesn’t. Natalie, maybe you ought to just pull that van over and find a man to drive while you pop a Midol or something.

NATALIE BROCK: I’m tired of your shit, Kurt! I’m bringing you live footage of a high speed chase with a toilet gator and all you can do is…

KURT MANLEY: Whoa, hold on a second. I’m going to need to cut off your blabbermouth, Natalie, as it appears that two tractor trailer trucks have arrived on the scene.

NATALIE BROCK: Yes, Kurt. They’re being driven by Maude Fuller and Burt Hayes, a former dispatcher and current Sherriff’s deputy, respectively.

KURT MANLEY: The trucks are flanking the toilet gator in some sort of pincer maneuver and…oh my God! The left truck just slammed into the alligator and….wow….that had no effect on him whatsoever.

STANK DADDY: He just looks pissed off and ready to snack on some crackas, Kurt.

KURT MANLEY: Things are looking pretty dire here, Natalie.

NATALIE BROCK: They sure are, Kurt. This toilet gator has taken all sorts of punishment and he’s still moving.

STANK DADDY: Like my old lady when there’s a cake in the room. You get between her ass and that cake and your ass is gonna get straight up clotheslined, ya heard?

KURT MANLEY: I heard indeed, Stank Daddy. Hot Ass Blonde…er, I mean, Natalie…it looks like the rain is coming down pretty hard.

NATALIE BROCK: Yes, Kurt! It would appear that Hurricane Dakota Rothschild is now upon us.

KURT MANLEY: That’s sure to complicate matters.

NATALIE BROCK: No shit, Sherlock.

KURT MANLEY: You know, Natalie, I don’t think I care for your insubordinate tongue.

NATALIE BROCK: Oh, really Kurt? Funny, that’s not what you said about my tongue the other day…

(Natalie plays the recording Walter made of Kurt’s dirty talk)

RECORDING OF KURT MANLEY: I’ll have a steak, medium-rare. You’ll have a salad that you’ll just play with but won’t eat because God knows NN1 can’t be allowing any porkers on the air and we don’t want you getting chubby. Then you’ll come up to my penthouse. We’ll have a nightcap, maybe dance a little and then you’ll lick my taint.

(KURT MANLEY stares blankly at the camera. His face turns red.)

STANK DADDY: Damn, Kurt! You a straight up freak, playa!

KURT MANLEY: What? That wasn’t me.

RECORDING OF KURT MANLEY: My orgasms will be more of a priority than yours. I can’t go on TV unless Little Kurty has been drained of all his buttermilk.

RECORDING OF NATALIE BROCK: Little Kurty?

RECORDING OF KURT MANLEY: My penis. My big ole famous news penis, the one attached to America’s favorite anchorman. He needs to say hello to your kitty cat.

KURT MANLEY: Ha, ha, Natalie. Very funny. Enough of this clever little parlor trick. What did you hire someone to do an impression of me or something? Because, you know, now isn’t exactly the time to….

STANK DADDY: Shit! You see that?

KURT MANLEY: What?

STANK DADDY: That dude with the one leg just put a new leg on and jumped his ass out the car and now he’s riding the alligator like a damn pony! That’s some old school gangsta shit right there.

(KURT MANLEY straightens his tie)

KURT MANLEY: Gangsta shit indeed.

RECORDING OF KURT MANLEY: Oh I’m sure no one told you but it’s sort of an unwritten rule that each and every one of our Hot Ass Blonde Chick Reporters with Big Titties has to take at least one ride on the wet and wild Kurt slide.

KURT MANLEY: OK, that’s enough! Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to take a brief commercial break while we try to talk Natalie down off her PMS ledge. After that, we’ll stay with the toilet gator chase for the duration. We won’t be going to sports or weather anytime soon and hell, we won’t even make you wait to find out which brand of toilet paper gives you anal scars. It’s Schmelman’s. That’s right. Schmelman’s Brand Toilet Paper will make the inside of your ass look like Beirut. You going anywhere, Stank Daddy?

STANK DADDY: I am not, Kurt. This is the most fun I’ve had in my entire life and I eat cereal out of a platinum chalice on a bed full of bitches every morning.

KURT MANLEY: Stank Daddy and I will be back in a jiff, monitoring the toilet gator chase as it develops.

ANNOUNCER: Network News One! The hottest blonde chicks! The biggest titties! Oh yeah, and occasionally we report the news and shit!

KURT MANLEY (VOICE OVER): Someone fire that bitch immediately!

DAN THE PRODUCER: We’re still live, Kurt.

KURT MANLEY: Son of a…

Tagged Comedy, funny, humor, rap, Toilet Gator, writing

Jun 13 2017

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Things That Really Frost My Ass

Things That Really Frost My Ass – Amber Rose’s Cooter Pic

By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent

Hello 3.5 degenerate readers.

Your old Uncle Hardass here. Still working on your writing careers I see. Good for you. Never let reality get in the way of a good daydream. I’m sure your parents don’t mind subsidizing your hubris until the end of time.

You know what just frosted my ass? This photo:

In case you’re not hip like your old Uncle Hardass, that’s Amber Rose who is famous for…uh…well she does…I think she’s on TV or some shit. She’s a professional hot chick like Kim Kardashian or something.

Also, she does this thing called a Slut Walk which, hey, I’m not complaining. Hell, twenty years ago I’d of invited all those sluts to take a walk past my front door but today? Meh. It’s just like a big lump of taffy down there. Pull it all day and nothing happens.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Uncle Hardass is mad that a woman posed nude in a photo.” Nope, nope. Again, as I just said, twenty years ago I’d of retired to the bathroom with this photo in one hand and a bottle of Jergen’s in the other but, I might remind you, it’s like pulling taffy. I could yank on it for hours and the only thing would come out is one of those “Womp womp” sounds they play when you guess the wrong price on “The Price is Right.”

It frosts my ass because there’s literally no response that a man can make to a photo like this that a woman would find acceptable.

MALE RESPONSE: FEMALE RESPONSE:

Wow! What a lovely cooter shot! PIG!

I’m outraged at such nudity! How dare you demonize the female form?

You’re right. It’s a lovely photo. Pervert!

See? You can’t win. All these super hot chicks who are famous for being hot post naked photos of themselves all the time. And if you’re a man, there’s absolutely nothing you can say about it without getting in trouble with any woman who overhears you.

Really, the only thing you can do is just appreciate the fact that she posted it, then use it to inspire a monkey spanking session except, you know, I have to skip that because…taffy. Just a big lump of taffy.

Personally, I applaud Amber Rose for posting this photo. A) You can’t see it because I had to censor it due to the fact that my nephew, BQB, runs a classy blog (or so he says), but in the original photo, Amber is sporting a serious bush. Like, a big, giant, overgrowth. Seriously. It looks like she’s got Llhasa Apso trapped in a leg lock and try all he might, the little fella can’t budge.

That’s fine by me. Back in my day, it was the hairier the better. Hell, breaking out a weedwacker and a flashlight just to find your way to the thing was considered foreplay. You youngsters and your silky smooth lady parts have no idea what you’re missing.

Secondly, I thought it was pretty cool that Amber wears the same sunglasses I do. My doctor put those giant boxy sunglasses on me after I had my cataracts surgery and I assumed that only people my age are considered fashionable when they walk around looking like they’re playing a virtual reality game.

In conclusion, men, say nothing when you see these photos. There’s nothing you can say that will not leave a woman angry at you. Come to think of it, that doesn’t just apply to this photo but to literally everything else in life as well.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pull my taffy. I think I felt a tingle. Then again, it could be gas.

Tagged amber rose, amber rose pic, Comedy, funny, humor, slut walk, slutwalk, social media, twitter

Jun 12 2017

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Writing Prompts

Last Chance for a Free Book!

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Bookshelf Q battlers for Amazon

Just a reminder that today is the last day of my free book giveaway for BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts.

If you like my blog, like my work, if I’ve ever brightened your day with my witty banter, please mosey on over to Amazon and pickup a free copy. The more books I can give away, the more my stats rise, the more people discover the book and so on.

You don’t have to pay any money, you don’t even have to read it although you should because it’s funny…you just have to download the book for free and that’s it.

Thanks 3.5 readers.

DOWNLOAD BQB’S BOOK HERE

Tagged amazon, amazon kdp, book bloggers, books, free books, self publishing, writers, writing, Writing Prompts

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Bookshelf Battle

The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.

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Last Chance for a Free Book!