Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Nov 28 2016
1 Comment
Movies

Movie Review – Bad Santa 2 (2016)

Ho ho holy moly.  I can’t believe they made another one.

BQB here with a review of Bad Santa 2.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

The year was 2003.  George W. Bush was in the White House, the clubs were playing Fifty Cent’s In Da Club on a continuous loop (which frankly, they should still be doing even today) and a little Christmas comedy movie called Bad Santa turned out to be unexpectedly hysterical.

So naturally, in this age where Hollywood hasn’t had a new idea in awhile, they had to take another dip in the Bad Santa well.

Billy Bob Thornton reprises his role as Willie Stokes aka the worst Santa ever.  His diminutive friend/elf Marcus (Tony Cox) is out on parole after double crossing Willie in the original film, but now he’s back and recruits Willie to go on a new Christmas heist.

Even worse, Willie’s foul mouthed degenerate mother Sunny/Mrs. Claus (Kathy Bates) joins in on the action.

On top of all that, Thurman Merman (Brett Kelly) aka the dumb little kid who befriends Willie in the first film is back and dumber than ever.  He’s all grown up and totally an adult now.

Seeing as how I remember seeing this movie like it was yesterday,  I’m not sure which makes me sadder, that Thurman is an adult or that John Ritter and Bernie Mac, who both had big parts in the original, have since, and to my great dismay, shuffled off this mortal coil.

Time, you son of a bitch.

Back to the review, Christina Hendricks and her enormous boobs replace Lauren Graham of Gilmore Girls fame as Willie’s love interest this go around.

I have to be honest, while Christina’s enormous boobs are truly a spectacle to behold as well as a pair of national treasures, I really do believe she deserves a feature film role that isn’t about her enormous boobs.  Sadly, this isn’t it, though she does make the film worth watching.

The movie has its funny parts as well as a lot of scenes where it is clear the actors are just being called upon to be as gross and disgusting as possible.  As often happens in comedy sequels, the jokes that floored us the first time are repeated and though we’ve come to expect that, they just don’t have the same luster that they did before.

Where the crap did thirteen years go?  Holy shit.  Someone get in a damn time machine and pull me out of the Bad Santa 1 movie theater and explain the series of mistakes I need to avoid in order to not end up as the proprietor of a blog with 3.5 readers in 2016.

Just kidding 3.5 readers.  You know I love you and your seven eyes.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but partly because it makes me nostalgic for the original and partly because of Christina Hendricks (I should be clear and say that her boobs do not appear on screen.  Sorry. I know. Spoiler.)  Otherwise, I could take or leave this movie.  If you’re looking for adult themed holiday laughs, this is your movie.  If not, you can wait and rent it next year.

FYI I karate chopped the Yeti in the face just to go see this movie and review it for you, 3.5. You’re welcome.

Tagged , , , , ,
Nov 27 2016
Leave a comment
TV

TV Review – Portlandia

Who knew Portland was so funny?

BQB here with a review of IFC’s Portlandia.

Hipsterism.  Pop culture.  Trends and the never-ending attempt to keep up with them.  These are just some of the issues that are lampooned in this IFC sketch comedy show.

SNL alum Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, both musicians, become all sorts of crazy characters as they poke fun at Portland’s excessively laid back lifestyle.

There’s the Women First Bookstore where the ultra-feminist owners put on a car wash to pay their rent and lecture a male customer that he better not be checking them out, even though their ankle length bed sheet like dresses clearly prevent that from happening.

Meanwhile, a ridiculously long line for a popular new brunch restaurant descends into Mad Maxian chaos as people waiting in line start their own villages and societies, wondering if their name will ever be called.

Generation X is the butt of many jokes as Portland seems stuck in the 1990s.  At one point, Fred and Carrie locate former MTV VJs Kurt Loder, Tabitha Soren and Matt Pinfield in order to launch a takeover of MTV and return it to a past where music videos were actually played and discussed instead of the tween based reality TV show nightmare the channel has become.

A veteran journalist’s newspaper is taken over by bloggers who want him to stop writing hard hitting exposes in favor of celebrity NSFW photos.  Carrie declares social bankruptcy when the social media requests for her to like and comment on posts outweighs the time and bandwidth she has to respond to them.

It’s all very funny and yet it is one of those shows you just have to watch in order to really get.  Plus, guest stars make cameos aplenty.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy and each show is about twenty minutes long so I’ve found they’re perfect when I need to chill out and relax for a bit.  Available on Netflix.

Don’t tell the Yeti that I’m still posting with Alien Jones’ space phone.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
Nov 26 2016
2 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Boring Things to Do

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal, Incredibly Boring Fuzzy Snow Monster

shutterstock_152431793

Hello stupid 3.5 readers.

The Yeti here, still enjoying my control over the Bookshelf Battle Blog.  BQB will be my prisoner forever!

And as long as I am in charge, everything around here will be super boring, including this incredibly boring top ten list.

From BQB HQ, which is now Yeti HQ, in East Randomtown, which will soon be East Yeti Town, here are the Top Ten Boring Things to Do, which I, the Yeti, order you to do immediately:

#10 – Collect and Organize Your Toenail Clippings

No, do not throw them away.  Collect them and organize them in a series of jars based on size, color, and consistency.  Proudly display them on your mantle and/or coffee table.

#9 – Call Information to Ask What Time It Is 

Yes! Be the last asshole in the entire world who doesn’t own a watch, or a cellphone or a clock or a television and is not ingenious enough to find a clock to look at.

#8 – Go to a Strip Club Blindfolded

Muah ha ha!  Without your sense of sight, it will just be a smorgasbord of body odor, cheap perfume, Axe body spray and desperation – a yeti’s perfect Saturday night, let me tell you.

#7 – Watch Paint Dry

Just dab some paint on a spot in your house that needs a fresh coat, then pull up a chair and watch it dry. Breathtaking.

#6 – Read Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Back Catalog of Posts

The man thinks he is the next comedic genius but trust me, he is very boring. Snoozeville.

#5 – Stare at a Cat

Literally, all they do is lick themselves and sleep.  Once in a blue moon they might see something interesting and attack it, but that is rare.  Their lives are mostly licking and sleeping.  I theorize that cats might be part-yeti.

#4 – Listen to NPR

All those low talking, whispering ladies will put you right to sleep.  Yetis love to sleep.  So boring.  Zzzzzzz.

#3 – Read an Actual Print Newspaper

I heard a rumor they still make them.  I bet they are so boring!

#2 – Listen to Country Music 

Here, I’ll spoil every country music song for you. “Oh I’m a jilted woman but I’m strong because I get up out of bed anyway and my ex is a dickface for jilting me but I’ll survive!”

There.  Now listen to a country music station for forty hours and try to stay awake.

#1 – Write Firefly fan fiction

I do not know what this means but I heard Bookshelf Q. Battler say that people who do this are incredibly boring.

Tired by Yeti control of the Bookshelf Battle Blog? Follow BQB @bookshelfbattle on Twitter to free BQB from the Yeti’s furry clutches.

 

Tagged , , , ,
Nov 25 2016
10 Comments
TV

RIP Florence Henderson

Oh my God, 3.5 readers.

It is a very sad day here for the pop culture fest that is Bookshelf Battle due to the news that Florence Henderson has passed away at the age of 82.

I mean, she lived a full life and got to do great things and lived to an old age but still, she was truly America’s mom.

She played Carol Brady, the mom on the Brady Bunch, then in her post-Brady years, made a career off of cameos where she’d either do something hilariously un-Mrs. Brady-like or would appear as a funny motherly figure or something.

I never heard of some of her other pre-Brady gigs before but the news outlets are reporting she did have a pretty noteworthy Broadway career and spent some time on The Today Show before becoming Alice’s boss.

Oh God, I’m so shaken by this tragic news that I’m going to refrain from asking why did Mrs. Brady need a house keeper if she didn’t have a job.  We all know why. Six kids are a handful and the woman needed assistance. Stop judging, haters.

2016, you dick! How dare you take America’s mom?

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of Brady Bunch clips on the news today, so I’m going to share the Weird Al Yankovic clip where she starred opposite Weird Al in his Amish Paradise video.

What are your favorite Florence Henderson memories, 3.5 readers?

PS thank you the Yeti for letting me out of the cage to write this Florence Henderson report.  It is nice to know that we can put our rivalry aside in dark times like these.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,
Nov 25 2016
Leave a comment
Movies

Movie Review – The Trust (2016)

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB in captivity here. Just sneaking out of my cage and onto the computer while the Yeti takes a nap.

Money! A heist! Lots of Nicolas Cage yelling!

BQB here with a review of The Trust.

I tend to shy away from films that just end up on streaming services without much theater play (I assume this was as I don’t remember it being in the theater) but this one caught my eye so I checked it out.

Believe it or not, millenials, but there was a time when Nicolas Cage was a big box office draw.  The intense eyes, the flaring nostrils, the ability to be serious and/or charming one second only to fly into an intense, scary rage the next…

…eh but now the world just can’t tolerate a leading man with a receding hair line anymore.

And I suppose he has engaged in some wackiness but oh well. That’s neither here nor there.

All I know is you should see The Rock (1996) if you want to see one of the best action films ever made and understand why the dude was a big hit back in the day.

Moving on…

The Trust stars Cage and Elijah Wood as Officers Stone and Waters, two level Las Vegas cops  who learn of a drug operation’s high security vault.

The buddy cops start out slightly bent if not completely crooked but when they learn of this big score, they put their minds to a plan and work it, only to discover what lies inside the vault is nothing what they expected.

Quickly, the level of “trust” the two amigos have long held with one another is shattered and, well, if I tell you much more than there’s no point in streaming it.

I have a hunch the film was written around Cage and Wood, as if they somehow knew they’d like to work together so someone came up with a script.  Both characters seem to have Cage and Wood-like personality traits.  Stone (Cage) is serious and normal one moment, a bundle of rage the next. Wood is a neurotic nerd too crippled by ennui to get his act together.

I mean I’m not saying Wood is crippled by ennui but he has played that type of character before, most recently in that dumb FX sitcom Wilfred where his dog walked around as a human from time to time.

Veteran comedian Jerry Lewis (yup, he’s still alive) has a cameo as Stone’s father, though he doesn’t matter much to the overall movie other than you as the viewer get to go, “Hey, Jerry Lewis is still alive. Good for him.”

It’s low budget and there are some logical leaps but it is interesting to watch the duo plan and carry out their very complex caper.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Find it on Netflix.

Hey, this has been BQB and I’m off to my cage now. Don’t tell the Yeti I was here.  Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @bookshelfbattle if you want to save me from the Yeti’s vile clutches.

Tagged , , , , , ,
Nov 25 2016
Leave a comment
The Yeti

You Will Watch Nothing But C-Span When The Yeti Controls the World

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Fuzzy Snow Monster, Self-Appointed Ruler of the Bookshelf Battle Blog

shutterstock_152431793

Hilarious jokes? Wacky and neurotic observations?  Movie reviews?

Bah ha ha ha!  No, you puny 3.5 readers only get C-SPAN.

Today I control the Bookshelf Battle Blog. Tomorrow, I shall control the world.  And I will make the entire planet incredibly boring.  It will be so boring that C-SPAN will be on every channel.

Tagged , ,
Nov 25 2016
Leave a comment
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – How to Save Bookshelf Battle from the Yeti’s Furry Clutches

shutterstock_120849052.jpg

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth losers.

Holy bioluminescent space crap.

I walk away from the Thanksgiving table at BQB HQ for a minute to feed the meter next to my space ship and by the time I get back, the damn Yeti has changed the locks and taken over the joint.

Not gonna lie.  This does not bode well for my career, or frankly, my little green life, because as you know, for some strange reason, Bookshelf Q. Battler is the Mighty Potentate’s Chosen One, the one who will allegedly write and publish a novel that is so breathtaking that it will convince all of humanity to give up on reality television.

Personally, I don’t see it. I’ve seen more work ethic in Nyquil addicted sloths than I have seen in BQB, but hey, what the Potentate wants is what the Potentate gets.

And his going to get my vaporized if he happens to check this blog and find out that BQB has been imprisoned and that a damn fuzzy international war criminal hellbent on turning the entire world into a boring place is in charge.

3.5 READERS: How do we save BQB, Alien Jones?

Oh thank the Potentate, 3.5 readers. I’m so glad you asked.

Twitter.

Yetis only love boring things and if this blog starts getting more follows on its companion Twitter page, then that will be just way too stimulating for the Yeti to handle and he will surely bail.

3.5 READERS: Can’t you just vaporize the Yeti?

Really? That’s how it’s going to be? The alien has to do everything?

Bitches, please. Get your asses to Twitter and follow your favorite nerd and save his ass from the Yeti and my ass from the Mighty Potentate…please. Pretty please…with space sugar on top.

BQB’s handle is @bookshelfbattle or you can just go here.

Don’t delay, 3.5 readers, because when it comes right down to it, my safety, er I mean BQB’s safety, is all that matters.

Tagged , , , , ,
Nov 25 2016
Leave a comment
The Yeti

Welcome to Yetishelf Battle (Or, Bow Down Before Your Furry Overlord, 3.5 Readers)

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Fuzzy Snow Monster and New Appointed Ruler of Yetishelf Battle (Formerly Bookshelf Battle)

shutterstock_152431793

Muah ha…muah ha…MUAH HA HA!

Yes, 3.5 readers, it is I, the international war criminal/fuzzy snow monster known as, “The Yeti” and I am now in full control of the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

My plan was foolproof.  I laid in wait until BQB, VGRF, and even the incompetent security chief Bookshelf Q. Battledog were in a deep Thanksgiving food induced coma and then I took control of Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in fabulous East Randomtown.

As you know, yetis love boring things and boring things alone and this foolish blog was far too stimulating.

Sure it has 3.5 readers today, but what if there are 11.7 readers tomorrow and 25.8 readers the day after that? Anarchy and madness, I tell you.

BQB’s awesome movie reviews? DONE!

BQB’s rants and ravings? GONE!

The goofy columnists? Try, my goofy hostages.

Boredom is the name of my game and from now on, this blog will be incredibly boring.

Super boring things that you can expect from this blog from now on:

  • Pictures of cats, but they won’t be doing adorable things. They will be just licking themselves.
  • Reviews of phonebooks printed in 1972.
  • Dramatic readings from dish washer operational manuals.
  • The national budget.
  • Documentaries about feet.

And that’s just the start of it!

You are doomed, 3.5 readers. Doomed, I say! Doomed to be bored forever, for BQB shall never be heard from again!

Is this the end of Bookhelf Q. Battler and the Bookshelf Battle Blog as we know it? Stay tuned…

Tagged , , ,
Nov 25 2016
Leave a comment
Social Media

BQB Social Media Logo and Cover

If I were to gasp pony up some more dough and get a BQB Facebook/Twitter Cover and Social Media logo, what would it look like?

 

Tagged , ,
Nov 24 2016
6 Comments
Tomfoolery

BQB’s Top Ten Thanksgiving Foods to Shove in His Facehole

Gold-Happy-Thanksgiving-Typography-800px.png

Happy Thanksgiving, 3.5 readers.

What food stuffs are you going to be stuffing into your face hole today?

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are BQB’s favorites in no particular order:

10. STUFFING – My favorite and really the thing I look forward to the most. Why we don’t have it all year round I don’t know. I suppose I could if I knew how to cook. I’d make a joke that Video Game Rack Fighter could pause her latest game of Car Thief Mayhem and make me some, but then I’d get sued by Gloria Allred.

Where was I? Right. Stuffing. The only thing, and apparently I’m one of few who thing this way, I like just the regular good old plain stuffing. I don’t want celery or vegetable or sausage in it. Disgusting. I just want heaping forkfuls of seasoned mushy bread.

Alien Jones, zap me up some stuffing, will you?

9. TURKEY – Duh. A no brainer. Plus, it makes me sleepy so I have a built in excuse to fall asleep and not have to listen to the Yeti’s latest nonsensical super angry snow beast rants.

8. CRANBERRY SAUCE – Oddly, I was against this for many years. I never understood how it fit in with the rest of the dishes. Then I took the plunge and mixed some in with my stuffing and I was sold.  Like Vinny Baggadouchio’s advice, it does not suck.

7.  MASHED POTATOES – Much like my writing, they’re dry and bland. And for some reason, I don’t really want them any time of the year other than this time. Tradition I suppose.

6.  BISCUITS – Not just any biscuits. You have to get the kind that come in the vacuum sealed cardboard tube that have been packed in there so tight that when you open it up it rips a hole in the space-time continuum.  Such amazing technology could have only been invented by Dr. Hugo Von Science.

5. SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE – You wouldn’t know it to look at the furry little schmuck, but Bookshelf Q. Battledog is actually quite the chef. Every year he whips up a delicious sweet potato casserole.  He tosses in some marshmallow goo and some brown sugar.  I think he also tosses in some drool but I try not to think about that.

4.  CHOCOLATE CHIP COCONUT COOKIES – Search Engine Optimized Poet did a web search for these tasty treats and he’s been making them ever since.  It isn’t that hard. You just make chocolate chip cookies and add coconut. Then you write a poem about your baking experience.

3.  POTATOES AU GRATIN – So much starch, so little time. The Astounding Nerdstradamus loves cheesy French taters so much that he predicts that they will be the only thing that people eat in the year 7000.  I hope I make it until then but if not I’ll have to take his word for it.

2.  BANANA PUDDING – Of course Professor Nannerpants makes this dish but he is offended that you think of him in such stereotypical terms.

  1.  PIE – So much pie.  Any kind of pie. Pecan and apple are my favorites.

What say you, 3.5 readers? What will you be stuffing in your face hole this Thanksgiving?

Tagged , , , ,
← Older posts
Newer posts →