Category Archives: top ten lists

Oct 17 2016
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top ten lists

Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas

You can’t trick or treat without a dope costume, 3.5 readers, so without further ado, from the home office in East Randomtown, it’s BQB’s Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas:

#10 – Are you fat and balding? Cool. Grow a mustache, throw on a red sweater and boom, you’re Ken Bone.

#9 – Slap a goatee on your chin. Boom. Evil You.  Already have a goatee? Shave it off. Good You.  (FYI what most people think of as a goatee is actually a Van Dyke.)

#8 – Dress like Count Krakovich and go as an Asshat Vampire.

#7 – Put on a flannel shirt and you’re either a lumberjack or a 1990s alt rocker.

#6 – Get an adult “Sexy” costume from your local seasonal Halloween costume store.  Sexy vampire. Sexy werewolf. Sexy Frankenstein. Sexy ghost. Sexy corn. Sexy unicorn. Sexy dog. Sexy cat. Sexy giraffe.  Really, its just the costume and then they make it so it shows a lot of cleavage and booty. I’ve heard they even have a Sexy Ken Bone.

#5 – Go as a politician.  Just show up at the party, demand a donation, give a half-hearted apology speech for all your epic failures and misdeeds, then leave with all the candy apples and blame your opponent for taking them.

#4 – Be that guy who has to spend a half hour explaining what his costume is to everyone.  Either be an esoteric, unquantifiable idea or concept or dress like a little known celebrity from the past. “Umm, yes I’m Jeremiah Hockenbocker, the obscure inventor who developed the butt rag in the year 1450 A.D. Yes, without my butt rag you’d never have toilet paper today. Give me candy.”

#3- Put shoes on your hands and walk everywhere on your hands instead of your feet. Claim that you’re you from an alternate universe. You’ll be horribly sore and dizzy afterwards but people will admire your commitment to staying in character.

#2 – Go as yourself. Tell everyone you’re a hobo. Consult with a stylist on November 1 to learn how you can not look like a hobo anymore.

#1 – Just wear your own clothes and buy your own candy. You’re an adult, jackass.

 

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Oct 13 2016
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Tomfoolery, top ten lists

Top Ten Halloween Candies (Best and Worst)

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Hey kids, avoid strangers all year along.

Except on October 31.

Then put on a dumb costume and knock on strangers’ doors and demand free foodstuffs.

Who the hell invented this dumb holiday?

Oh wait. I forgot.

We here at BQB HQ love Halloween.

So without further ado, the Top Ten Halloween Candies

#10 – Candy Corn (Best)

An old staple.  Sweet.  Delicious.

Do you like the chocolate candy corn?  You know the ones where the bottom stripe is chocolate?

Eh, I do like chocolate but I prefer my candy corn to have the white stripes at the bottom.

I don’t know why.  I’ve done a lot of thought on this though and that white stripe tastes better than the chocolate strip.

The white strip basically tastes like the candy corn flavor and I can only get that candy corn flavor at Halloween time, whereas I can get chocolate all year long.

#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (Best)

So much of my ass fat is compromised of peanut butter cups.

Mmmm.

You got chocolate in my peanut butter. No, you got peanut butter in my chocolate!

Yum. Delicious.

#8 – Coupons (Worst)

Fast food joints, stores, restaurants – they often sell coupons to pass out as Halloween treats.

Hey, here’s a coupon for a free ice cream cone.

What the eff, lady? Don’t give me an IOU for a treat.  I want my snack now.

These go right in the garbage and the corporations make big money essentially selling people nothing.

#7 – Large Candy Bars (Best)

There’s always one fine citizen who will go out and buy a bunch of regular size candy bars to pass out.

That’s right. Screw those “fun size” bars.

What’s fun about tiny candies?

The only thing that happens with a fun size candy bar is you trick your mind into eating twenty of them because they’re so small and that you end up with an ass the size of a barcalounger.

Bless you, citizen who went the extra mile and got big candy bars.

By the way – if a tiny candy bar is fun size, is a big candy bar boring size?

There’s a noodle scratcher.

#6 – Pennies (Worst)

Ugh.

Come on, old people.

I know you’re trying to get rid of your loose change.

I know those pennies are actually worth something.

But pennies aren’t edible. They aren’t delicious.  They will not make my ass fatter.

#5 – Unwrapped Baked Goods (Worst)

Well, thanks lady I gotta trash that because for all I know it could have a razor blade or a laxative or poison or something.

#4 – Popcorn Balls (Best or Possibly Worst)

Love ’em, but only if they’re wrapped.

#3 – Gum (Best)

Good for a minute or two, then it just becomes a sticky mess under your chair…sigh…just like my life.

#2 – Smarties (Best) 

Mmm.  Sugary crack.

You ever try to unwrap them and keep them together in a line without the wrapper?

Good times.

#1 – Kit Kat

Give me a break, give me a break…aww, you know the rest.

Did I leave your favorite Halloween candy off the list, 3.5 readers?

Discuss in the comments!

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Oct 09 2016
5 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Witch Pickup Lines

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Witches.

Oh those sexy practitioners of the dark arts.

Halloween is just around the corner, so if you’re looking to score a hot date with a fine ass witch, you best school yourself on these witch pickup lines, player:

#10 – “Bubble bubble, toil and trouble, damn girl, you make my heart burn and my pants bubble.”

PRO: It’s classy and Shakespearean.

CON: She might think you’re saying that she gives you heart burn as in acid reflux and not as in her setting your heart ablaze with passion.

#9 – “Hey baby, wanna ride my broomstick?”

PRO: Direct and to the point.

CON: This is a rather uncouth line and thus will only work on the most promiscuous witches with low morals.  Sure, they’ll rock your world but beware witch STDs. There’s no spell to get rid of that.

Not that I’d know.

No, I haven’t been scratching myself for the past three hours straight. Mind your business.

Also, she might get confused and tell you that she already owns a broomstick that provides her with adequate transportation, but thank you just the same.

#8 – “Wanna see my eye of newt?”

PRO: Again, little time wasted.

CON: She’ll be expecting an actual eyeball that you yanked off of a damn newt.  Is your love life really worth blinding a lizard? I think not.

FYI – Don’t use “eye of newt” as a euphemism for your junk. Whatever your pull out is going into her boiling pot.

#7 – “You cast a spell on me.”

PRO: Maybe she’ll think you’re clever and charming.

CON: She might also take it as a challenge and turn you into a damn toad. Ribbit, ribbit. Enjoy those flies, bitch.

#6 – “That is the sexiest pointy hat with a damn belt buckle I have ever seen.”

PRO: She’ll appreciate that you realize she’s been practicing witchcraft since colonial times.

CON: She’s going to keep wearing that hat no matter what and the point is going to flop around all over the place while you two dance the horizontal cha cha.

Then again, some freaks are into that sort of thing.

#5 – “I’m keen on the green.”

PRO: You’ll make her realize that her being the color of grass, broccoli and Kermit doesn’t matter to you.

CON:  Whatever part of you that touches her will turn green, so uh…you know, keep that in mind if you’re cheating on your vampire girlfriend with a witch.

#4 – “Damn baby, I gots to make my magic wand disappear.”

PRO: She’ll be glad you share her interest in magic.

CON: She may be turned off by the double entendre and use her power to uh…actually make it disappear.

#3 – “Witch betta have my money.”

PRO: She might be a Rihanna fan and appreciate the reference.

CON: You basically just called her a witch hooker, which may or may not be true but still, discretion dude.

#2 – “Move, witch! Get out the way!”

PRO: She might be a Ludacris fan and appreciate the reference.

CON: She might get out of your way, then never come back.

#1 – “Which witch is which?”

PRO: Good to use on a group of witches. May lead to a witch threesome.

CON: They might just politely answer your question by telling you the names of each witch in the group and then dismiss you.

Do you have a good pickup line to use on a witch?

Share it in the comments.

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May 04 2016
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top ten lists

All of BQB’s Relationship Warning Signs Top Ten Lists Reblogged!

Thanks to the knowledge packed books he keeps on his bookshelf (which he occasionally even reads) Bookshelf Q. Battler is a world renowned expert on most things.

Recently, he’s used his uncanny brain power to help his 3.5 readers learn the warning signs they need to recognize in order to keep their love boat from running aground.

Is your girlfriend a ninja?

Is your boyfriend a conspiracy theorist?

Is your girlfriend a zombie?

Is your boyfriend a hipster?

Hold onto your butts, for BQB will be reblogging them all..now!

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Apr 30 2016
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top ten lists

Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say About You if She Were a Classic Film Noir Detective

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Fear not, 3.5 readers.  Jake Dashing continues to file his pop culture mystery reports.

I’m just so bogged down with all my work here at Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters that I never have time to edit and post them.

I really need to hire an assistant.

I head a rumor though that after being told to pound sand one too many times by Attorney Donnelly, Jake has set his sights on a lady detective who he shares some uh, let’s say, “personality traits” with.

Here the mystery woman is, with the Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say About You if She Were a Classic Film Noir Detective.

(Translated from English to Film Noir Speak.)

10.  ENGLISH: Babe, you left the bathroom a mess!

FILM NOIR SPEAK:  Another day, another dollar and another twenty-four hours closer to meeting my maker. I gave up on a perfect life long ago but call me crazy, I feel like even a gal like me has a right to five minutes of peace alone in the powder room.

Sigh.  No such luck.  I open the door and find the floor covered with enough water to float the Titanic, which is ironic, because the floor is also littered with enough towels to soak up the Pacific Ocean.

I need to think.  I go to the sink and turn on the faucet, hoping a splash of cool water on my face will subdue my burning rage.  No such luck.  The sink is filled with a twisted concoction of whisker hairs, shaving cream, and toothpaste.

Just what ever gal wants. A furry viscous fluid waiting for her.  Lucky me.

Thirty seconds with a washcloth would have spared my eyes from this sight.  What’s the skinny on this palooka? Is he stupid? Rude? Was he born in a barn? Raised by hobos?

Is this some kind of bizarre power play? Leave a mess to see if the little woman will clean it up?

Or is he just that obtuse that he doesn’t notice things like this?

Speaking of noticing things, out of the corner of my eye I spot that the toilet is filled with more skid marks than the Indy 500 race track.

Men. Can’t live with ’em.  Sorry. There isn’t a second verse to that old song and dance number.

9.  ENGLISH:  I love you.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Love.  That and a plug nickel will buy you a cup of coffee, but at least you never have to worry about your java sprouting legs and walking away.

Men, on the other hand, have a bad habit of becoming gold medal marathon runners when you least expect it.  There one day, gone the next, the only memories he leaves you with are his silhouette against the moonlight as he makes a beeline for the door and that old familiar throbbing in your ticker…

…ba-dump…ba-dump…ba-dump.

Then again, it could just be gas.

8.  ENGLISH: I wish you’d take me somewhere nice.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  There’s a part of me that wants to dance. Not that I’m a spritely ballerina type mind you but the madcap irony of life is that the less you have of it, the more you want to embrace it.  Rattling around in the back of my mind like so many marbles shot by the kid with the best aggie in school are images of myself as a wrinkled up old broad, wrapped up in a shawl, rocking away in my wheelchair, cursing myself for not having danced more in my youth.

I owe it to that old gal to trip the light fantastic fella, so either cut a rug with me or I’ll find someone who will.

7.  ENGLISH:  I baked you cookies.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Sweets.  They’re one of the many cruel jokes played on us by the man upstairs.

Surely you’ve realized by now that the Almighty  has a peculiar sense of humor, right?

Cookies are delicious, but too many and you’ll end up looking like the love child of Fatty Arbuckle and King Kong.

Making whoopee is an equally pleasant pastime, but pick the wrong person and you’ll end up with some kind of dirty social disease.  You know, the kind that makes your privates shrivel up, turn green, and that’s only if you’re lucky.

Still, everything in moderation is the way to go, so here are some cookies. One a day makes the blues go way.

Two a day will make me go away.

Make your choice, Jack.

6.  ENGLISH:  Do these jeans make my butt look big?

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Sizes are like opinions.  They vary greatly depending where you go, and they all leave you feeling like you’re going to explode.

In this case, I feel like there’s going to be an ass explosion. I’m not about to share my size with you, Nosebox McGee, but let’s just say I’ve always fit in the same number except for today, as I tried a new boutique where apparently it’s the company creedo that everyone should have an ass flatter than everyone thought the pre-Columbus world was.

I can tell you’re burning a hole in the back of my jeans with your lustful eyes, because like bathroom cleanliness, subtlety has never been your strong suit.

So make like a tipped over milk carton and spill, Jack. Is it round like a candy apple or does it look like it’s got its own gravitational pull?

5.  ENGLISH: You forgot my birthday, jerk.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  Time. Oh how that relentless son of a bitch enjoys teasing me. Taunting me. Yanking days off the calendar of my life with reckless abandon, leaving me with little more than fuzzy memories of cheap men and even cheaper vodka.

Eighteen.  Twenty-one. All the best birthdays are gone now.  What’s left to celebrate to celebrate now other than being one year closer to shaking hands with Mr. Grim Reaper himself?

Now there’s a celebrity whose autograph you don’t want.

Still, it’s perfectly normal for anyone with a pulse to feel a burning desire to be remembered. In the end, when all is said and done, when the last clump of dirt is heaped on our graves and the undertaker collects his due, all we are to the people we leave behind is the sum total of the memories they carry with them in their minds.

And apparently, my fella isn’t carrying many thought drops about me in his brain bucket.

I saw a bum shivering on a park bench this morning.  Cold. Alone. Forgotten. Cared for by no one.

Whenever my man screws up like this, it’s hard not to see myself as ending up just ike that lowdown vagrant one day.

Cold. Alone. Forgotten.  Cared for by no one.

Thanks a lot, Jack.

4.  ENGLISH: Let’s move in together.

TRANSLATION:  Space. I have it. You have it. Who needs it? Let’s live in the now and share the cow.  My milk. Your milk.  Who cares whose gullet it goes down when it all comes out yellow anyway?

Splitting digs is always a big step in any relationship.  And sure, it might turn out to be the step that lands our feet on an emotional land mine that blows our psyches to kingdom come.

Then again, it could also be the step that leads us to the American Dream.  A nice house with a front yard, a white picket fence, three kids, a dog, and our very own shared subscription to Better Homes and Gardens.

Mull it over, palooka. For as Custer said on the way to his last stand, “What’s the worst that could happen?”

3.  ENGLISH: I forgive you for (whatever dumb thing you did recently.)

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: They say love is blind but in my case, she must have had her eyes gouged out with rusty razors because despite all the strike marks you’ve got against you, you’re still aces in my book, bub.

2.  ENGLISH: We should get married.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  Here we are, two dopes stuck on a big blue marble, our lives as insignificant as a couple of ants to the shoe of a random passerby.

Call me naive. Call me crazy. Call me late for dinner but I love ya, ya big lug. There, I said it. Write it down, rubber stamp it, set it in a frame and hang it on the wall for the whole world to see.

Sure, we could end up crashing in flames like the Hindenburg but we might just circumnavigate the globe like Lucky Lindy. We’ll never know until we flap our wings and take that leap.

There’s no one I’d like to take that leap with more than you, see?

  1.  ENGLISH: I think we should break up.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Alright, buster. Clean the wax out of your ears and listen up.

You and I are over. We’re done. Kaput.  It’s like seeing the final credits roll at the end of a three hour Judd Apatow film. I feel depressed that I wasted my time yet elated that this bullshit is finally out of my life now.

Take a long walk off a short pier, palooka.  Dumpsville just held an election and you’re the Mayor, the Alderman, and the dog catcher all rolled into one.

Aww, pipe down with the waterworks, see?  Like my Aunt Edna’s underpants, a crying man is a sight no one wants to see.

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Apr 27 2016
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Steampunk

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Ah, the Victorian Age!

When gadgets were powered by steam and operated by cranks and levers and wheels and other such bullshit.

Some people are so enamored with the late 1800’s that they wish they could live there.

Heck, your girlfriend acts like that all the time.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Steampunk.

10.  When she asks if you want to get high, that usually means she’s offering you a ride in her airship.  (Although it could also be a pot reference.  Steampunks aren’t necessarily against the idea of steaming up a spliff once in awhile…)

9.  Wears goggles everywhere, for no apparent reason, even when they are not necessary.  Alas, you can’t see her beautiful eyes or tell what she’s thinking about.  (Hint: it’s probably steam.)

8.  Demands that you also convert all of your gadgets to steam power.  You thought your PC was slow before, try it when you have to turn a damn crank to get it running.

7.  Her name is something wacky, like Ezmeralda Fibbleteegibbett or Lady Shamalamadingdong.  Still refuses to take your name if you two get married.

6.  Wears a top hat everywhere, even in the boudoir, which seemed interesting at first but now in the dark it just feels too much like you’re hooking up with Abraham Lincoln.

5.  When people ask you what the hell a steampunk is, she gets mad at you when you reply, “I don’t know.  It’s a blend of sci-fi and historical fiction in which modern devices are powered through late 1800’s steam based technology, and often all of this shit happens on a damn airship?”

She shouldn’t be mad at you because that answer was straight up spot on, yo.

4.  She’s probably British.  Every British person is, in secret, a steampunk plotting to take back the US colonies through steam powered weaponry.

3.  Offered to bring some risqué steam powered uh, devices, into the bedroom.  Sounded fun at first, but now you realize your crank isn’t the one that is going to be turned…

Plus, how the hell is that steam engine going to fit in your house?

2.  Gets mad if you suggest changing it up once in awhile by using gas and/or electricity and/or some damn Duracells because “I don’t have all day to turn this crank, Steampunk Girlfriend!”

  1.  She might not be a steampunk.  She could just be a woman with a fake British accent who buys her clothes at Hot Topic and wanted a look other than goth for a change.

At any rate, bless you sir, and your steampunk girlfriend, for with her, every day will now be an adventure…in the skies…with steam!

Seriously, enough with the steam already.

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Apr 26 2016
1 Comment
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Cersei

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Hipster Cersei

Hey dude.

Look, I don’t want to cause any trouble but if you ask me your girlfriend and her brother seem just a little bit too uh…close, if you catch my drift.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might be Cersei Lannister:

(SPOILERS!)

10.  She keeps it in the family…and we’re not talking about money.  We’re talking about the royal boo-tay.

9.  She and her brother always have some excuse to be alone together.  And then whenever you walk in on them unannounced, they immediately start buttoning up their clothes and shout, “We weren’t humping!”

Which is odd because if they weren’t humping why would they feel the need to tell you that they weren’t humping?

If you ask me, a brother and sister trying to cover up their illicit humping might actually go out of their way to inform you that they weren’t humping just to cover their tracks.

Confusing, I know, but Cersei is crafty so you have to be on the ball to catch her in the midst of a brother hump.

8.  Speaking of craftiness, she is convinced that her life would be a hundred times better if she had been born with a penis.  She believes she’s cunning and intelligent and if it weren’t for the lowly status of women in this fantasy realm, she’d be kicking ass and taking names thanks to her penis.

I’m just going to throw it out there.  I’ve met a few women who were convinced that but for a penis, they’d be like the rulers of the world and no…I’m sorry.  Maybe that was true fifty years ago but a penis just isn’t worth as much as it used to be.

Penis value deflation is a bitch.  Talk to your local penile economics expert for more information.

7.  And while we are on this subject, she really isn’t as crafty as she thinks she is.  She is always plotting schemes and then the schemes always blow up in her face, leaving her in trouble, or in the custody of a religious zealot or some shit.

7.  But let’s face it.  She’s hot so you put up with a lot of bullshit.  You certainly wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a stuck-up conceited brother humper if she were ugly, would you?

You would?  You are a better man than I, sir.

6.  Besides being a brother humper she’s also a cousin humper.  Cousin Lancel?  Are you freaking kidding me?

Look, disgusting and immoral as it is, at least Jaime Lannister is the most handsome and skilled knight in the entire realm. You could almost make an argument that Cersei wasn’t able to help herself.

But Lancel? Shit, that girl is a freak who is hung up on getting busy with her relatives and her ass needs to get to a medieval shrink posthaste.

5.  Hey, I’m all for women’s rights and female empowerment.  But Cersei is one of those chicks who’s all like, “Women’s rights! Whatever a man can do I can do better!” and then the second the shit hits the fan she looks to her father to bail her out with his money and then humps her brother and/or cousin if her brother isn’t available.

4.  She’s kind of like the worst friend in your group.  Every group of friends has the worst friend.  She’s the one that everyone hates and no one wants to invite to shit but you keep doing it because she’s been around so long that everyone is used to her and oddy enough, even though she’s totally the worst you’d still miss her.

3.  Walks the walk of shame like a champ.  Hollywood’s ability to superimpose her head on a stunt naked lady is impressive…a real breakthrough in the field of hot chick head splicing on hot chick body technology.  Real advanced CGI stuff.

2.  Your kids look nothing like you…but they all bear a striking resemblance to…her brother!

  1.  Like a dummy, you pull a Ned Stark and tell her you’re going to expose her brother humpery.  Bad move.  Off with your head.  (What, too soon?)
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Apr 24 2016
5 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Melisandre

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Lady Melisandre.

The Red Woman.

Skillfully played by Carice van Houten, the Red Woman may be Stannis’ other woman but let’s face it…she’s the only woman if she has anything to say about it.

From the home office in BQB HQ and just in time for the Season 6 Premiere of Game of Thrones, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Melisandre:

10.  She’s very supportive of your work and career goals…to the point that she’s willing to push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to murder your enemies.

Hey.  Be disgusted all you want but that’s true commitment right there.  My entire life I’ve never even been able to get a woman to make a damn sandwich for me, let alone push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to use in the assassination of my enemies.

9.  Cares enough about you that she’s always warning you that everything is “dark and full of terrors.”

  • The night is dark and full of terrors.
  • Your closet is dark and full of terrors.
  • Don’t get a popsicle because the freezer and dark and full of terrors…and popsicles.

8.  May or may not be able to bring your dead friends to life as we may or may not find out in Season 6.  (Warning: if she does bring your deceased friend back to life, it is because she wants to bang him.)

7.  Doesn’t always have the best advice.  Burn your daughter at the stake.  Sacrifice your illegitimate nephew.  None of it ever really gets you anywhere.

6.  She’s kind of a religious fanatic, almost to the point where you can picture her knocking on your door while you’re in the shower and you come out in your bathrobe and have to listen to her, “Have you accepted the Lord of Light as your personal savior?” routine.

5.  Redheads = feisty in the boudoir.  It is also a scientific fact that they are crazy.  Studies show that craziness turns hair red.

4.   Doesn’t want any baby mama drama.  Doesn’t even go after you for child support for the shadow assassin she pushed out of her magic snootch to dispatch your enemies.

3.  She is literally a character that pushed out a shadow assassin out of her magic snootch which means, if you are a writer, you need to stop doubting yourself because as long as your idea is as equally farfetched as “woman pushes shadow assassin out of her magic snootch” then the worst that can happen to your book is that it is turned into a highly profitable HBO series.

2.  Isn’t really about tying you down.  Willing to give you the magic snootch without any promises that you will dump your crazy wife for her.

  1.  Could possibly be a fraud who just throws chemicals into fires in order to give the illusion of magical power.  Then again, she did push a shadow assassin out of her magic snootch so, she’s definitely studied a magic book or two.
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Apr 22 2016
4 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be An Assassin

Yes, your girlfriend is quite fetching.

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I’d make a joke about how she could assassinate me anytime…but I really don’t want to be assassinated.

One might even say if looks could kill…well, hold that thought.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be an Assassin.

10.  Constantly wears a fully body leather cat suit everywhere, at all times…EXCEPT…when you want her to.  When you want her to she just throws on those dumpy old smelly sweat pants you wish she’d throw away. Women.

9.  All of her seemingly minor faux pas may in fact be attempts to assassinate you:

  • Undercooked chicken = bad cook? – Nope. Assassin! (An attempt to assassinate you via food poisoning.)
  • Slippery floor = lousy housekeeper? – Nope. Assassin! (She’s biding her time until you slip and fall to your doom.)
  • Constantly wants to do it = nymphomaniac? – Nope. Assassin! (Please. No woman in a committed relationship has ever actually wanted to do it with her boyfriend since the beginning of time. She’s wearing you out until your heart stops…i.e. she’s trying to assassinate you with her vagina.)

8.  She has a closet full of sniper rifles and is constantly taking them apart and putting them back together.  Always try to stay close to her…for at a long distance, she might assassinate you…through snipery!

7.  You asked her if she is an assassin and she said no.  She lies! Open your eyes, man! Of course an assassin wouldn’t openly admit to being an assassin.

6.  Constantly striking poses that accentuate her assets while holding guns, knives, and other weapons.  She puts the “ass” in assassin, that’s for sure.

5.  Are you an important person? If so, she might be trying to get close to you in order to assassinate you.  If not, then she still might kill you, but that would only be murder. Only rich, famous and powerful people get assassinated. Seriously, get your head out of the clouds and accept the fact that you’re not good enough to be assassinated.

4.  You don’t really have a good story about how you met your girlfriend. It wasn’t at a park while you were both walking your dogs, or at the grocery store when you both reached for the last box of Captain Crunch and instantly bonded. Nope.  She showed up in your bedroom one day with a bomb after one of your enemies put your photo and $100,000 in her secret drop box.  Why are you so oblivious?  Love is blinding you. Of course your girlfriend is an assassin if she has bombs and secret drop boxes!

3.  She’s always sneaking up on you…but instead of giving you hugs…she tries to strangle you with garrote wire.  Don’t buy her nonsense that this is just some kinky sex thing. She’s an assassin!

2.  Your face is always sore when you wake up.  Did you forget to rest your head on your pillow? Maybe…or maybe…your girlfriend was roundhouse kicking you in the face all night…because she is (wait for it) an assassin!

  1.  She’s constantly staring at you with a look of disgust in her eyes. True, this could be inconclusive as all girlfriends do this to their boyfriends, but keep in mind that should could be trying to make your brain explode with the mental powers she developed at the assassin school she attended because she is, you guessed it, an assassin.

EDITORIAL NOTE: Because we live in a stupid world filled with big dummies, Attorney Donnelly advises me to state to you that this post is just humorous fun and in reality it is highly unlikely your girlfriend is trying to assassinate you. However, should you develop a reasonable belief that your girlfriend is trying to assassinate you, do not confront her about the situation directly. Rather, report the matter to the police or your nearest government authority in charge of disrupting the activities of assassins.

Don’t live your life based on jokes made on a dumb blog for 3.5 readers, weirdos.

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Apr 20 2016
1 Comment
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist

Science!shutterstock_141217966

It’s the discipline that provides the answers to our most vexing questions about the world we live in. Ironically, with every question scientists answer, new inquiries pop up every day.

Most scientists are reputable members of the community, dedicated to following strict rules and procedures.

However, there are some scientists who dare to dabble in the depths of depravity that few are willing to tread.

As part of his penance for “accidentally” causing a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown last summer, Dr. Hugo Von Science has assisted the Bookshelf Battle Blog in creating this list of the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist:

10. Foreplay consists of him dropping his pants and shouting, “IT’S ALIVE…IT’S ALIVE!”

9.  His home decor consists of:

  • Beakers filled with foaming potions, bubbling brews, and other strange concoctions.
  • Giant switches that require you to strain yourself just to flip.
  • Tesla coils. So many tesla coils.

8.  Wears a white lab coat everywhere.  Dinner? Lab coat. The opera? Lab coat. The lab? Lab coat.

7. Never takes his goggles off, even when his eyes aren’t in danger of being stabbed, exploded, poisoned, scratched, electrocuted, or otherwise harmed. You’ve never even seen his eyes before because he was wearing those goggles when you met him.

6. Hobbies include: snorkeling, horseback riding…and threatening world leaders to turn over their treasuries to him lest the world be destroyed by his latest invention.

5.  He borrowed your credit card. This month’s bill includes charges for:

  • Giant moon laser base
  • Enormous Drill Capable of Reaching Earth’s Core
  • Nuclear Warheads
  • Lab Monkey Food

The moon laser base, enormous drill, and nuclear warheads didn’t strike you as odd but it seemed unusual to you that lab monkey food could be charged to your credit card so easily.

4.  His laugh starts out slowly, quietly. Then it builds…and builds…into a maniacal crescendo.

EXAMPLE:

YOU: And then my co-worker Rachel said, “Forget the giblets, I’ll take the whole turkey!”

YOUR MAD SCIENTIST BOYFRIEND: Ha.  Haha.  Ha ha ha…HA HA…MUAH HA HA HA HA!!!

3.  You’ve grown so accustomed to the sound of explosions coming from your basement that you’re able to sleep right through them.

2.  Has a well-organized brain collection in his lab. Labels include:

  • Monkey brain
  • Sheep brain
  • Cow brain
  • Dog brain
  • Cat brain
  • Caveman brain
  • Alien brain
  • Sasquatch brain
  • Missing Link Brain

NOTE: We don’t want to tell you how to live your life but it is highly suggested that you run if you ever see a jar marked, “Ex-girlfriend brain.”

  1. You came across a file on his desk marked, “Build My Own Girlfriend Project.” Realized that might be how you got here. Come to think of it, you don’t have any memories beyond last Tuesday. Decided not to question it.
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