E Pluribus Hardass
Hello degenerate 3.5 readers.
We meet again and I see you’re all still working on those writing careers.
In fact my incompetent nephew Bookshelf Q. Battler just informed me that November is “National Novel Writing Month” or “NaNoWriMo.”
You know what I call it? “LosersFindAnotherWayToNotWorkMo.”
Get a job, 3.5 readers. You people are an embarrassment to all 7 of your parents.
Moving on, the big presidential election is Tuesday, November 8.
You all laughed at me when I announced my bid earlier this year.
But now after you got to know the two frontrunners, suddenly old Uncle Hardass doesn’t seem like such a bad option, does he?
Sure, I’m old and I’ve never worked anywhere but the Salt Mines (which you should apply to) but I’ve never grabbed anyone by the pussy, that’s for damn sure.
Not only is that rude but it is also highly unsanitary. I’ll have you know my ex-wife, BQB’s Aunt Gertie, tried to get me touch her there all throughout our many years of marital bliss and my response was always, “No dice! Do you have any idea how many germs are on that thing?!”
Also, I’ve never had an e-mail scandal because I don’t e-mail, or use phones. Whenever I want someone to know something, I just should at them very loudly and wherever they are in the world, they hear it. I call it Uncle Hardass mail.
I don’t write crazy tweets because I think anyone who uses social media is an asshole, and that goes double for my lazy nephew, who you should not follow on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle
Seriously. Don’t follow him. You’ll just encourage him to keep this useless blog going and then he’ll never get a job at the salt mines.
Where was I? Oh right. Comparing myself to the candidates. Also, I don’t engage in pay for play or take big donations in exchange for favors.
That’s not because I don’t want the money but because I don’t do shit for anyone.
That’s right. Whatever you want done, you should do it yourself. Sure, I could do all your shit for you but then what would you learn? What would you get for it?
When I was a kid if I wanted a road I had to build a road.
If I wanted to go to school I had to build the school then teach myself.
If someone needed to be arrested I just arrested them.
If another country declared war, I had to fight the war single handed. I personally fought and won 29 wars all by myself and I’m damn proud of it.
So no, I’m not going to take your money to do a political favor for you. You keep your money and you get off your lazy ass and do whatever it is that needs doing.
Oh. BQB’s meddling attorney just handed me an envelope. “This blog is in no way encouraging people to undertake any kinds of official actions that they do not have the authority to do.”
For crying out loud. Ban all the lawyers! That’ll be the first thing I’ll do when I’m elected and then after that I’ll take a nap for a year.
In summation, here are more reasons why you should vote for me, Uncle Hardass, this Tuesday, November 8.
- I’m younger than both candidates. You wouldn’t think so but both are very, very, very old.
- I’m going to be championing a new jobs initiative entitled, “Jobs! You Should Get One, You Lazy Son of a Bitch.” No need to create any new laws or organizations or programs to get people jobs. I am just going to go on TV once a week and nag all of you unemployed people about how awful you are for not having jobs and then surely all those people will do anything to get a job rather than be around to listen to me on TV, because my speech will be on every channel.
- I will forego all wars and challenge opposing world leaders to an arm wrestling match instead. Before you scoff, just keep in mind it gets kind of lonely for an old man, so I’ve been known to keep myself busy by shaking hands with the old bishop, often for hours at a time because honestly, at this point its just like pulling taffy. Like it sort of wants to do something but not really.
Thank you, degenerate lazy 3.5 readers.
In conclusion of my summation, your writing ambitions are a waste of time and utterly pointless and also do something useful for a change and vote for me, Uncle Hardass.
Bookshelf Battle 