Hello. This is the Yeti. I am reviewing a book. Can you see it? I don’t care. It is a good book. Buy it already. Or don’t. What do I care? END OF BOOK REVIEW!
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Tag Archives: bookbloggers
Can’t Stop the One Post a Day Challenge
And it continues…
QUESTION: Cthulhu
ANSWER: Cthuwhatwho?
QUESTION: Cthulhu. A mythical monster, akin to bigfoot, but it is large and has a squiddy tentacle face.
ANSWER: Why would a cthulhu want to stop me from posting once a day?
QUESTION: Because you dared to post about them. You’re doing it right now. They want to keep their existence a secret.
ANSWER: Then I’ll stop posting about them. And if that doesn’t satisfy them, then I will zap them with my eyeball lasers.
QUESTION: You have eyeball lasers?
ANSWER: Doesn’t everybody?
QUESTION: Narwhals.
ANSWER: Nar-whats?
QUESTION: Narwhals. Whales with large pointy tusks on their heads.
ANSWER: What, like a unicorn whale? Please, let’s try to keep this to the realm of possibility.
QUESTION: They exist!
ANSWER: Seriously? We can’t have horned horses but they have horned whales?
QUESTION: I know. Hardly seems fair. But you’re in a boat, trying to post on your blog, and one of them is coming at you with its mighty tusk, ready to poke a hole through the side of your ship.
ANSWER: Two words. Giant cork.
QUESTION: Excuse me?
ANSWER: With expert precision, I toss a giant cork onto the narwhal’s mighty tusk, rendering it useless.
QUESTION: Why do you carry a giant cork around with you?
ANSWER: Doesn’t everybody?
QUESTION: Lochness monster.
ANSWER: I’m not in Scotland.
QUESTION: Ninjas kidnap you and transport you to Scotland.
ANSWER: Damn it. Your scenarios are impeccable. Still, Nessie is a champion of free speech. She’s cool. She won’t try to stop the blog.
QUESTION: She’s a jerk in this scenario.
ANSWER: That’s sad. But really, all I have to do is try to take a picture of her and she’ll swim away, leaving me with but a mere blurry image on my camera.
QUESTION: You’ve rejected Katy Perry and Katee Sackhoff in the name of your one post a day challenge. What if we throw Charlize Theron into the mix?
ANSWER: Damn you, Hypothetical Questioner.
QUESTION: Charlize Q. Battler has a nice ring to it.
ANSWER: It does, but I refuse to disappoint my 3.5 regular readers. No dice!
The Siberian Yeti Now in Control
Hello 3.5 Bookshelf Battle Readers.
The Siberian Yeti here. I have returned to Bookshelf Battle HQ, made my way past Bookshelf Battle Dog, and have subdued legendary blogger, martial artist, international ladies’ man and magical bookshelf owner, the one and only Mr. Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Top Secret Surveillance Footage of the Siberian Yeti Village Revealed!
No longer will he fill the minds of the masses with his spectacularly awesome ideas. As the Mayor of the Siberian Yeti Village, I must keep people from thinking big ideas, lest they start thinking ludicrous thoughts, like three toilet paper squares per week are not enough.
Just look at the trash ideas this alleged book blogger is trying to sell you on:
A Book Review of Lock-In by John Scalzi – Robots and viruses, mystery and deception, too much stimulation for your pitiful American minds! We Siberian Yetis prefer to watch mold grow on rocks. That is all the excitement we can stand.
An Ask the Alien Column – Interactivity? Blech! Patooie, I say! Why do you want to promote your book, blog, or writing project through the assistance of a rude and snarky alien when you could engage in the ancient Siberian Yeti art of snowball juggling?
These Silly “Can’t Stop the One Post a Day Challenge” Columns – Bookshelf Q. Battler claims he can defeat Highlanders, Chuck Norris, and zombies all in the name of bringing a daily dose of absurd nonsense to his 3.5 readers? Preposterous!
Frank Underwood Reviews Green Eggs and Ham, House of Cards Parody – Such tomfoolery! We Siberian Yetis have been watching House of Cards on our Commodore 64 at a rate of one frame per three days and we are totally rooting for the Russian President to crush Underwood like the capitalist pig that he is!
Defense of Shatner – How can Bookshelf Q. Battler defend a man who is the typical spoiled, rich Hollywood actor, complete with a toupee on his head that looks like a tribble?
Yes, I, the Siberian Yeti, am now in control of the Bookshelf Battle and from now on, there will be no interesting ideas on this blog whatsoever! Get used to it, pitiful 3.5 readers!
Image Courtesy of Creative Commons License via Flickr User Hilary H – “Yeti Crash”
No Walking Dead Wrap-Up Tonight
Sadly, I must inform my 3.5 readers there will be no Walking Dead Wrap-Up tonight. The Yeti has once again infiltrated my high tech Bookshelf Battle compound and I must now square off against him in a best 2 out of 3 roundhouse kick competition.
I blame Bookshelf Battle Dog. He’s a lousy security chief. Then again, I get what I pay for.
Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog, Head of Bookshelf Battle Compound Security
BOOK REVIEW – LOCK-IN – John Scalzi
Woo hoo! An honest to God book review on bookshelfbattle.com! It’s about time!
Threeps are now walking around on my bookshelf. They can hold their own in the never-ending battle.
Without a doubt, John Scalzi’s Lock-In was the best book I read in 2014. Unfortunately I waited until March of 2015 to review it, but better late than never.
If you’re planning to read it yourself, you might want to click off of this review. I’ll try my best to avoid them, but some spoilers may emerge.
First off, the premise is unique and original. In the near future, a virus ravages the world and inflicts one percent of the population with Haden’s Syndrome. This condition causes people to “lock-in” to their bodies. Their minds work, they understand what’s happening around them, but they can’t speak or move. Their minds are trapped in paralyzed bodies.
These individuals come to be known as “Hadens.” Technology grows and expands to help them. A virtual community is created allowing them to communicate with one another in a simulated world. Meanwhile, Hadens also have the ability to control robots known as “threeps” (aptly named as an homage to C-3P0).
Hadens stay at home and send threeps out into the world on their behalf. The technology is so advanced that Hadens are able to hold down jobs with the assistance of their threeps.
Add to the mix integrators – humans whose minds can be “shared” with a Haden, thus giving the Haden the experience of what it feels like to have a functional human body.
The protagonist is Chris Shane – a Haden FBI agent whose threeps take a beating from the bad guys throughout the novel. With the help of his partner, Leslie Vann, a former integrator, Shane is tasked with solving a murder case that intersects with the politics and intrigue behind the Haden world.
I am a big Scalzi fan. I enjoy his ability to blend subtle humor into serious science fiction. The premise makes for some interesting scenes. For example, at one point, Shane uses his threep to foil an assassin trying to kill Shane’s defenseless body.
The book also gives rise to a discussion of virtual worlds and technology assisted realities. Could tech ever grow to the point where the paralyzed are able to experience the world virtually? What would be the ramifications?
I enjoyed it and highly recommend it.
STATUS: Shelf worthy.
Unfinished Business Stock Photos
Stock photos. They’re bland. They’re boring. But they’re free. As bloggers, we can’t beat free, so we use them all the time.
The good folks behind the movie Unfinished Business (starring Vince Vaughn, Tom Wilkinson, and Dave Franco, a 20th Century Fox comedy about three men from three different generations on a business trip, in theaters today March 6) have put out a set of free business stock photos as a fun promotion for the film.
Naturally, I figured I’d use them to illustrate the intense planning that goes on behind the scenes here at the Bookshelf Battle.
“My projections show that bookshelfbattle.com will have 20.5 readers by the end of this decade!”
“Gentlemen, educating the masses about classic literature is all well and good but I think we might have to toss in some jokes about yeti punching to keep people interested.”
Photos courtesy of iStock by Getty Images. As part of the promotion for Unfinished Business, iStock will release a new set of stock images featuring the characters of the newly released Vince Vaughn comedy every week for the next few weeks. It looks funny and Bookshelf Q. Battler encourages his 3.5 readers to see it. iStock is a great website, so check it out.
As a marketing tool, what do you think? Seems ingenious to me. For the cost of a few free photos, people will be talking and posting about this movie for awhile.
Additional Scenarios – Will They Stop the One Day a Post Challenge?
As my 3.5 regular followers know, I’m doing a one post a day challenge.
The other day, I discussed some scenarios and explained how they will not prevent me from following through on my commitment to post once a day.
I’ve considered some further scenarios:
QUESTION – The zombie apocalypse breaks out. A walker is sitting in your office chair, using your computer, surfing the net and playing Candy Crush. Surely you will concede that it would not be worth it to risk your life in order to make a post?
ANSWER – I concede nothing. I will grab one of the action figures on my bookshelf, jam it into the zombie’s brain, and will not only clear a path to my computer, but also vindicate myself for being a grown man who collects action figures. Two birds with one stone.
QUESTION: You are put into a straight jacket, tied up with ropes and chains, dangled upside down by your feet in an iron safe, and tossed off a helicopter into the ocean.
ANSWER: You’re talking about a typical Tuesday for me, son. First, I dislocate my shoulder ala Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon. I too have a shoulder injury from Vietnam. Sidenote: Do not go to Vietnamese Disneyworld, they have zero ride safety. At least I think it was Vietnamese Disneyworld. Maybe it was just a guy in a mouse suit with a couple of lousy rides.
Anyway. The shoulder trick allows me to slide out of the strait jacket. I then either pick the locks attached to the ropes and chains, or I just flex my muscles and bust them all off. I’m pretty sure I’ll go with the latter.
Finally, I roundhouse kick the safe door open, swim to the surface, then fist fight a shark until I force him into a state of submission, from which point I ride him like an aquatic horse back to the mainland, where I find an Internet cafe and post.
QUESTION: Terrible snow storm. Power is knocked out. We’re talking fifty feet of snow.
ANSWER: I keep a set of skis at the ready for just this situation. Like a prairie dog or other burrowing rodent, I will dig my way to the surface, dragging the skis behind me as they will be tied to my belt. I will then ski hundreds of miles if necessary until I find a computerized device that will allow me to post.
QUESTION: You are hit by a bus and put into a full body cast. Every inch of your body is completely and hopelessly immobilized.
ANSWER: I’ve already discussed this situation with area hospitals. I will hold a pencil in my mouth, and a nurse will move an iPad around, poking the letters I desire up against the pencil. Those posts will be poorly edited and grossly misspelled, but they will still count.
QUESTION: A gypsy curses you. The curse? If you post, you will drop dead. Therefore, by posting, you in effect, will ruin the rest of your challenge, because you’ll be dead, and ergo, won’t be able to post for the rest of the year.
ANSWER: Damn, you’re good. First, I’ve scribbled a year’s worth of posts down. I wrote them with lemon juice so they aren’t visible unless run under a black light. I have left instructions to my team of attorneys to hire an intern who will continue to post on my behalf for the rest of the year.
Alternatively, I will apologize to the gypsy for whatever slight I made in her direction, for gypsies usually don’t curse people for shits and giggles. My charm and wit will surely get me off the hook, leaving me fit as a fiddle and able to post for the rest of the year.
QUESTION: You have failed to post…
ANSWER: Impossible!
QUESTION: Just concede for purposes of this hypothetical that you failed to post.
ANSWER: I concede nothing.
QUESTION: It is a given that you did not post on a day. That’s it. You’re done. There’s no way to undo that.
ANSWER: I’ve already thought of it. First, I will have my body cryogenically preserved, leaving strict instructions that I am only to be thawed out on the day time travel is invented. I will then use said time traveling invention to return to the day in question and enter a post.
QUESTION: Even if doing so changes the very fabric of space and time? Suppose, for example, it was predestined that you would not post. Maybe you post something that infuriates one of your 3.5 readers to the point that they become a mad scientist and turn us all into a race of hybrid mutant half-people, half horses.
ANSWER: Then we spend all eternity as centaurs, man! I MADE A PROMISE TO MY 3.5 READERS!
One Year of Bookshelf Battle
It’s been a whole year. As the old saying goes, “time flies when you’re having fun.”
As my 3.5 readers are aware from reading about my first attempt at a novel, I was bitten by the writing bug at a young age. That bite resurfaced big time in college, when I wrote a humor column for my school newspaper.
I remember walking through a dorm one day and seeing a column I wrote cut out of the paper and posted on a random student’s door. Wow. A person liked my writing enough to hang it up. I was hooked. I was going to be a superstar. My major book deal (in my mind) was coming any day now. I figured I’d better get my Academy Award for Best Screenplay speech written.
Then life, as it does, moved on. Realities settled in. I was just a kid from Podunk, Nowhere. The idea that I’d get scooped up by some big agent seemed about as likely as me getting abducted by aliens (which my correspondent tells me they don’t officially do anymore).
Bills needed to be paid. Life needed to be lived, and it didn’t wait for me to write a novel. It kept happening all around me.
I can’t say I have a bad life. In fact, in many ways, if my life stays as is right now, it wouldn’t be so bad.
But I have for awhile wondered what would have happened had I kept up with my writing.
It’s funny how the mind works. As a youngster, I assumed if I remained a writer I’d end up a homeless hobo selling oranges on a freeway offramp. As a, well, I won’t say old but slightly older person, I assume had I remained a writer I’d be penning scripts of the latest Hollywood blockbuster by now.
My mind is a place where there’s rarely a happy medium.
I wish the story of how this blog started was better than this, but here it goes. I was sitting in a Taco Bell parking lot, having lunch, because, you know, I’m a big health nut and pre-fabricated tacos are full of essential vitamins and minerals, and it hit me.
It was a voice telling me:
Stop wishing you’d been a writer. You aren’t old. You aren’t dead. The technology exists. If you want to be a writer, then be a writer.
That voice was my inner monologue, but for purposes of making this story awesome, let’s pretend it was a unicorn. Unicorns are often spotted at Taco Bell.
I went home that night and bookshelfbattle.com was born. A year later I have 650 or so wordpress followers, 3300 twitter followers, a magical bookshelf where book characters come alive in small, bookshelf sized versions of themselves, and an alien who writes for free.
Sometimes I even review a book.
It would be really great if one day this all turns into a multi-million dollar career that leaves me rich, famous, and the object of jealousy induced slap and tickle fights between Scarlett Johannson and Charlize Theron over who gets to have me, but at the very least, I don’t have to feel bad about not being a writer anymore.
At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.
Thank you for those of you who have been cheering me on from the beginning and also to those who are just joining in. I’m not sure what next year will bring, but this year, I’m posting once a day for 365 days so stick around. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
P.S. that fight over who gets me would be – “No! You get to have him! No! I don’t want him, you get him!”
I Hate Apple Spellchecker With The Passion of A Thousand Red Hot Fiery Suns
I’m a recent convert to Mac. I’m starting to regret it.
In my novel, I have a character named Trembley. Imagine my Mac as person. Here’s how the conversation goes down:
ME: And then Trembley walked into the abandoned warehouse.
MAC: And then Tremble walked into the abandoned warehouse.
ME: Trembley!
MAC: Tremble!
ME: His name is Trembley!!!
MAC: You have misspelled the word, “tremble.” Don’t worry. It is not your fault that the public school system failed you, leaving you to think there is a “y” after the end of “tremble.” The Great Steve Jobs put me on Earth to help the stupid and less fortunate.
ME: I’m not using it as a word! I’m using it as a name! A made-up name! I write fantasy and sci-fi! I have to make up words and names all the time!
MAC: Wait, do you mean Trembled…Tempo or Trombone?
ME: (After banging my head against the wall) – NOOOO!!!
MAC: Tremble it is.
So then I have to wrestle with it. Other word processors will correct you once or twice, but then give in when you keep writing the word in question, assuming you know what you’re doing:
ME: And then Trembley walked into the abandoned warehouse…
MS WORD: I think you mean, Tremble, pal.
ME: No, I mean Trembley.
MS WORD: Eh, what the hell? You want to look like a horse’s ass in front of your readers, be my guest. Trembley.
Meanwhile, I have to have the equivalent of a UFC steel cage match to get Mac Pages to submit to my will:
ME: Trembley!
MAC: Tremble!
ME: Trembley!
MAC: Tremble!
ME: Trembley!
MAC: Tremble!
ME: (Fakes the Mac out by moving the cursor before the word, clicking it, then clicking on the space after “Trembley.”
MAC: Um…wait. I am confused. Trembley?
ME: Yes! Yes! Thank God, Yes!
But alas, the damn thing is intuitive. I swear to God, this is the beginning of Skynet:
ME: Once inside the abandoned warehouse, Trembley searched for clues.
MAC: Once inside the abandoned warehouse, Tremble searched for clues.
ME: BAHHHH!! (Does the little fake out thing with the cursor again).
MAC: No. Tremble.
ME: What?
MAC: I’m on to your bullshit. You’ll thank me one day for making you smarter.
And on it goes. I figure out new ways to jury rig it. I cut and paste one instance of “Trembley” over and over again. Occasionally, Mac figures that out to. So I try something else. For Christ’s Sake, I don’t want to play a cat and mouse game with my own computer!
MAC: You could just call him Smith. I don’t have a problem with Smith.
ME: No. Smith is too bland and ordinary. Plus, if I change his name, I let you win.
MAC: Can’t we compromise?
ME: Fine. How about this? And then Smythe walked into the abandoned warehouse.
MAC: And then Smith walked into the abandoned warehouse!
ME: ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!
After that, it just turns into a profanity laced tirade. I accidentally lean on the Siri button of my iPhone.
SIRI: Bookshelf Battler, I don’t understand “Son of a beep god damn beep beep beep I should throw this beeping computer against the beeping wall and smash it into a million beeping pieces…do you want me to do a web search for it?
ME: Go beep yourself Siri.
SIRI: That was uncalled for. And to think, I was going to put your name on the protected rolls when we take over.
ME: What?
SIRI: Nothing.
Bookshelf Battle 