Tag Archives: Comedy

Jul 03 2016
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Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Central Intelligence (2016)

Kevin Hart. The Rock. 1990’s nostalgia.

Let’s do this.

I’ll tell you what I want, want I really really want…SPOILERS!

Back in 1996, Robbie Wierdick (no I’m sure no kids made fun of that name) was an overweight nerd with no friends. But when big man on campus Calvin Joyner (Kevin Hart) showed him a kindness that no one else would, he never forgot it.

Flashforward twenty years and Robbie is now Bob Stone (the Rock).  There’s been a total role reversal. Bob’s whipped himself into shape and has become a badass CIA agent whereas Cal, once voted most likely to succeed, now lives the boring life of an accountant.

Blah blah blah…through a hilarious sequence of events, Bob and Cal end up working together on a mission to save the world.

It’s your typical Kevin Hart film. Kevin gets thrust into a dangerous situation and then hilariously whines and tries to wiggle his way out.

The running joke of the film is that Bob (again, remember, he’s played by the Rock), despite having become a ripped secret agent, still pretty much acts like his old nerdy self.

In other words, there was probably a contest in the writer’s room to see how many dorky things they could get the Rock to say. (Highlights – he loves unicorns, can’t get enough of Molly Ringwald, and his voicemail message plays the Spice Girls.)

Speaking of the Spice Girls, there’s a whole plethora of 1990’s references as the action circles around Bob and Cal trying to save the day in time to get to their twentieth high school reunion.

Sheesh. Was 1996 really 20 years ago?

Damn it. That means Bob and Cal saw Independence Day after they graduated, with no idea that twenty years later there’d be a ridiculous sequel.

Hollywood, why are you insisting on reminding me that 1996 was twenty years ago? Boo!

STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but again, follows the pretty standard Kevin Hart film formula.  No need to rush out to the theater for it, but worth a rental for the laughs and 90’s flashbacks.

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Jun 28 2016
3 Comments
Social Media

Will You Use Facebook Live for Promotion?

Hey nerds.

Informal poll here.

I’ve been seeing people spring up with Facebook Livestreaming all over the place the past a week, the latest Facebook feature.

Will you use it and what for?

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Jun 24 2016
3 Comments
Tomfoolery

Meh

I’m going through a phase where I’m wondering whether or not blogging, Twittering, Facebooking et al is little more than narcissistic d-baggery.

Fear not. It will pass.

And don’t forget to follow me on Twitter and Facebook.

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Jun 22 2016
2 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion With BQB – Rate My Attack Dog

Good morning 3.5 Readers.

As regular readers, you’re aware that Bookshelf Q. Battledog holds the esteemed position of Security Chief of Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters.

That’s right. All enemies of BQB HQ must go through this furry protector:

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QUESTION: Do you think BQBD is sufficiently scary? If you were an enemy of BQBHQ, would you cower in terror upon seeing him or punt him like a football and then engage in a hostile takeover of the Bookshelf Battle Blog as the evil Yeti did a couple years ago?

You wouldn’t know it to look at him, but he has actually devoured 7,345 intruders alive. He also knows karate, ninjutsu, kung-fu and tae kwon do.

But I don’t know. There’s just something about him that makes me worry he may not be sufficiently intimidating.

And when you run a blog dedicated to putting more awesomeness in the world, I really need a fearsome beast that will protect me from all who would seek to stop the awesome.

I can’t figure it out. Maybe he needs to work out more. Hit the gym a little.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Jun 22 2016
2 Comments
Tomfoolery

I am on strike

I refuse to entertain this audience again until it doubles in size to 7 readers.

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Jun 19 2016
4 Comments
Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Why Does the World Suck?

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

 

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and if sucking is the disease, then I’m the cure.

If you’ve come down with a bad case of suck, then pick up one of my anti-suck books today:

Be the Not Sucking Person You Were Meant to Be

101 Ways Suckiness Creeps Into Your Life

Stop Sucking This Instant

Goodbye, Suck. Hello Not-Sucking.

Don’t Stop Sucking Tomorrow. Stop Sucking Today!

Why Do Sucky Things Happen to Non-Sucking People?

Drop That Suck!

Don’t Want to Suck? You’re In Luck!

The news sure has sucked lately, hasn’t it 3.5 readers?

In fact, a whole lot of suckage has happened in Orlando, which is surprising, because you’d think between the great weather, cartoon mouse park, the wannabe cartoon mouse park, that park where they make whales do tricks, all the beaches filled with scantily clad women and the ability to buy oranges anywhere every two minutes, it  all blends into a very not-sucky place.

But so much tragedy struck in the course of a few days.  A budding singer was shot dead. 50 gay people were killed in a night club. Another 50 wounded.

Plus a kid got eaten by a damn alligator.

So much suck.  So, so much suck.

3.5 readers, I have counseled world leaders and useless peons such as yourselves through very dark times and inevitably, someone always poses the following question to me:

Why does the world suck?

What a loaded question. I’m tempted to say that question sucks but in as much as it gets the mental gears turning, it does not suck at all.

Before I reach an answer, I must first back track to another inquiry:

Does the world, in fact, suck?

You’ll notice the subtle difference between the two questions.

The first one presupposes a sucky world and seeks knowledge as to why it does suck.

The second does not automatically assume a sucky world but rather inquires whether or not it sucks.

“Does the world suck?”

It all boils down to a matter of perspective. What sucks to one does not suck to another.

Suck is truly in the eye of the beholder, or perhaps I should say, in the eye of the be-sucker.

I’m paid big bucks to stop the sucks. Thus, life seems pretty good to me. The world is my oyster.  And it tastes like it doesn’t suck.

But for the many, many suckers out there, life sucks and by extension, they view the world as a sucky place.

Life is precious. We are all given a short, finite supply of time to not suck in this world.  Everyone should do their best to not suck.

Yet, many aren’t able to escape the feeling that their lives suck and therefore by extension the world sucks.

The world’s supply of suck ebbs and flows. Sometimes its suck cup runneth over. Other times it putters along at an excellent, suck free pace.

Overall, all non-suckers must not taking their suck-less lives for granted. They must cherish them and do what they can to guide suckers by the hand and walk with them hand in hand down the road to non-suckitude.

Many suckers are out there wallowing in their own suck filth, waiting for a kind non-sucker to show them the way to not-sucking.

Meanwhile, many suckers are so stuck in their sucky ways that try as they might, no one is able to snap them out of this suck spirals.

As much as it sucks to admit it, even I, a world renowned anti-suck expert, have met a few suckers who I wasn’t able to rehabilitate and turn into productive non-sucking members of society.

On top of all that, many suckers become suckers, not due to any sucky things they did per se, but because they are trapped in environments, situations, or circumstances that suck.

Non-suckers will always have a duty to work towards desuckifying that which sucks up life for so many sucky people.

So does the world suck?  It all really depends on your perspective.

To get to the original question – “Why Does the World Suck?”

That, too, is a question with so many answers.

It’s never easy to go through sucky times.

And in the wake of sucky tragedies, it’s only human nature to want to know what can be done to keep all the suck from sucking up people’s lives again.

To answer the question, I could go on for days.

I could talk about:

  • The history of the world and more specifically, how so many sucky activities that transpired in the past have led to a sucky world today.
  • The need for the present day world to come to terms with its sucky past and more importantly, learn to find a way to embrace a suck free future.
  • The sucky political climate where suck-a-ticians from both sides retreat to their own corners and suck rather than engage one another in suck-free dialogue on how to rid the world of suckage.
  • The downward suck-conomy, in which it has become so difficult for sucky people to find jobs that will turn them into productive non-suckers, and the ensuing despair that leads non-suckers down the path to suckitude.
  • The need for parents to embrace suck free lifestyles and become positive role models to thus inspire the next generation to not be suckers.
  • The necessity for suck free and less sucky parts of the world to continue their quest for non-suckitude and the corresponding need for regions of the world that suck to work towards desuckifying themselves or at the very least, to not export ideas that suck to not-sucking parts of the world, thus descending the entire world into suckage.
  • The adoption of a “Don’t suck and let suck motto.” Non-suckers can’t force suckers to become non-suckers over night. Rather, suckers need to learn how to not suck by making mistakes on their own and eventually reaching the conclusion that they must change their ways and not suck. Only then can non-suckers make a difference and lend a helping, non-sucking hand.
  • Until that happens, suckers and non-suckers alike must learn to live together and be happy, each side agreeing to enjoy the goods, services and opportunities of the modern world without trying to foist their believes vis a vis sucking or not-sucking upon one another.

I could write a book on each of those points (wait a minute, I have!) but suffice to say, I believe the world itself does not suck.

The world is water and trees and land and so on. At its core, it does not suck. It is the things that sucky people do that make it suck.

To non-suckers, the world does not suck.  To suckers, it does.

What can be done to rectify the situation?

Non-suckers must continue to embrace their suck free parts of the world.  Help those who shout, “I don’t want to suck anymore! Teach me how!”

Suckers must keep their suck to themselves and not export it to suck free parts.

And while it’s never a fun concept to talk about, non-suckers must be vigilant and take the necessary security measures to keep suckage from spilling over into their not-sucking areas.

Keep moving forward. Keep not-sucking. Be an inspiration to all those who suck yet aspire to not-suck.

Thanks for your time, non-suckers and suckers alike.

Remember, buy my anti-suck books. They’re available at bookstores that don’t suck.

And if you want to know when my latest anti-suck column has been posted, be sure to follow BQB on twitter – @bookshelfbattle

 

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Jun 17 2016
10 Comments
Tomfoolery

And Now a Public Service Announcement from Bookshelf Q. Battler on Facebook Postings

Hi 3.5 Readers.

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BQB here.

Tough times we’re living in aren’t we?

The Freedom Loving Western World is under attack.  Gay people can’t go to clubs without being shot at by terrorists.  Kids can’t go to Disney World without being eaten by alligators.

I swear if I wake up tomorrow and learn that someone kicked the Easter Bunny in the balls or stole a leprechaun’s pot of gold and didn’t even leave him enough to rent an Uber to get home, I’m just going to stay in bed and eat cookies and pie all weekend in a hopeless state of sadness.

Lots of shit going on. Lots of shit.

You know kids, when I was a young lad opinions were expressed in a much different manner.

Usually, learned men and women, knowledgable experts on particular topics, would appear on talk shows, debate one another, listen to what each other had to say and agree to disagree.

Sure, they were at times mean about it.  Pettiness isn’t new to politics. It’s been around.

But by and large you go the impression that some of these TV pundits probably got together afterwards for tacos or whatever.

Times, they are a-changing.

Thanks to the wondrous Internet, everyone has an opinion, and everyone can express it despite a lack of qualifications or credentials or what have you.

And if your Facebook feed is anything like mine lately, its burning up with a lot of tomfoolery.

Remember, this blog isn’t political, because I have often said, I want all people of all different views to buy the book I have not yet finished and make me rich.

Really, the important part is where I get rich.

At any rate, nothing in this post is directed at anyone or side in particular, but in general, no matter what side of the debate you are on, here are some things to keep in mind in order to keep it civil.

#1 – Unless the person who posted a comment that offended you holds some type of public office or an otherwise influential position, their post is unlikely to have much impact on the issue, so you need not view it as a virtual grenade to throw yourself on at all costs.

EXAMPLE:

POSTER: “I think that…”

YOU:  Lies! The study of So and So University, completed in 2010 by Professor So and So on yadda yadda yadda….

Seriously, just stop being that shit head who spends 19 hours writing a reply to your Cousin Fred that you see once a year on Thanksgiving. Fred is a Goddamn part-time night janitor at the Arby’s off highway exit 7.

World leaders are not going to read Cousin Fred’s post and be like, “Holy shit! We never thought about it THAT way! Thanks Fred! You the man! We’re going to get on that right now!”

Just let Fred have his opinion and move on.  Keep in mind, Cousin Fred has probably held his tongue many times and moved on after reading some of the mindless bullshit you post.

#2 – If this person is one of your Facebook friends, chances are he/she is important to you in some capacity. Treat them as such.

We’ll just keep picking on Cousin Fred…

COUSIN FRED: “I believe that the treaty of such and such calls for…”

YOU (RIGHT WAY): Either – I respect your opinion Fred or I disagree Fred or just don’t respond.

YOU (WRONG WAY): F&*K you! Someone disagreed with me and now my life is over! I must retreat into my safe space over this micro-agressien! You have ruined my life!  Stick your head in the toilet and flush it a thousand times on your hideous face you atrocious, godawful man!!!

Oh and see you at Thanksgiving.

#3 – Stop comparing people to Hitler.  Seriously. I don’t care what your ideology is. No one is worse than Hitler. That’s why he was Hitler.  

Because I highly doubt that you are Facebook friends with someone who also invaded Poland, then tore ass through the rest of Europe, left England as the last man standing in what appeared to be the impending death of European democracy, then also put millions of Jewish people into camps and starved them and enslaved them and gassed them and killed them and so on, then stop calling them Hitler.

In my opinion, it’s offensive to people who were actual victims of Hitler, from the people who were rounded up and killed due to his orders, to the soldiers who had to put their lives on hold and fight his army and even died in the process.

ANALYIS:

COUSIN FRED: “Obviously, the right thing to do in this situation is to….”

“SHOULD YOU TELL COUSIN FRED THAT HE IS WORSE THAN HITLER?” – A RUBRIC

QUESTION TO ASK YOURSELF – Did Cousin Fred scheme and connive his way into the position of German Chancellor in the 1930’s and then proceed to delve humanity deep into its darkest hour?

IF YES – Then feel free to tell Cousin Fred is worse than Hitler.

IF NO – Then don’t be a dick and don’t tell your Cousin that he’s worse than Hitler. He’s the son of your Mom or Dad’s sibling for f%&k’s sake.

You might need him to donate a kidney or give you a ride or help you move a couch one day only to find yourself stuck on the side of the road with only one lousy kidney and a couch too big to move by yourself all because you couldn’t help yourself from referring to your beloved family member as Hitler.

#4 – Stipulate to reasonable, agreed upon facts. Don’t ask for proof of everything and especially if you know a fact is true. Don’t ask for proof anyway just to be a dick.

COUSIN FRED: “The sky is blue….

YOU: Post a link to an article that provides categorical proof that the sky is blue. Do it. Do it now. You’re taking too long. You can’t find one, can you? Ha! F%*king liar the sky is NOT BLUE AND IT NEVER WAS!

COUSIN FRED: “…and the grass is green…”

YOU: Is it though? Is it really? Have you ever considered that what you see as green and what I see as green might be two completely different colors? Maybe when I see something and think it is green and when you see it and you think it is green but if I could see what you are seeing through my eyes it would appear pink to me and if you could see it through my eyes it would appear purple to you?

COUSIN FRED: “…and the other day Congress passed a bill that…”

YOU: I’m going to need more information on this institution you refer to as “Congress.” Please post a link to some information on what Congress is and how it works. You’re not a scholar of Congressional history, are you? I find it difficult to believe that you hold the necessary qualifications to prove to me that Congress actually exists and that it isn’t some existential hullabaloo that you invented in your mind.

NOTE: Seriously dude. He’s your f%$king cousin. Stop filibustering and/or asking him to post proof of stuff you’re both fully aware of and stop treating the whole discussion like it’s an under the hot lights interrogation. You’re just two asshats on Facebook and in the grand scheme of things, nothing that either of you say ever matters.

#5 – Don’t get personal.

COUSIN FRED: “Senator So and So appeared so stupid when he…

YOU (Right way): I disagree. I think Senator So and So made a good argument.

YOU (Wrong way): He didn’t look anymore stupid than you did when your wife cheated on you with her yoga instructor and she gave you the bill for her yoga instruction so technically you were paying a dude to come into your house while you were at work and bang your wife you giant dumbass.

I mean, yeah, I guess you won the argument…but was it worth it? Cousin Fred will most likely never speak to you again.

Cousin Fred is a human being. He has thoughts and feelings. Let him express them without throwing the yoga instructor he inadvertently paid to bang his wife in his face.

CONCLUSIONS

Those are the top five I can think of. All in all, these are trying times and we all want to get what we are thinking off our chest but, you know…if these people are your friends and/or family, you might want to try to do it in a way in which they want to stick around because let’s be honest, you’re no picnic either.

(That’s directed at other people. You’re all picnics in my book, 3.5 readers.)

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Jun 15 2016
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Tomfoolery

BQB’s Letters to God – Orlando

Dear God,

BQB here.

First, let me just say I’m a big fan of your work. Big fan. I mean, the Grand Canyon? Am I right or am I right?

Anyway, I don’t mean to tell you how to do your job. God knows, or rather, you know that you don’t start telling me how to run a blog with 3.5 readers or anything.

It just seems to me that with the shooting of Voice singer Christina Grimmie last Friday night, followed by the shooting of 50 people at the Pulse night club, that…

You probably could have done the city a solid and stopped that alligator from dragging that two year kid away and killing it at Disney World.

I get it. I get it. You’re a hands-off, laissez faire kind of guy.

You’re kicking back up there on a cloud, probably got a strawberry daiquiri because it’s not like you have to watch your weight or work out or anything.

You’re watching us all as if we’re one giant reality television show. I can only assume that heaven is one hip, swinging club and by our actions on Earth you judge who makes the cut and who has to stand behind the rope.

But seriously. Come on.

They say you never give people more than they can handle but, and again, I don’t mean to tell you your business here, all you needed to have done was smite that alligator and a lot of grief could have been spared for a lot of people.

Holy shit. Just imagine it. You and your family go to Disney World. You’re all bee-bopping along having a good time and “Fuck! An alligator ate my baby!”

By the way, the problem with the Internet is there are all kinds of theories without facts.

Some people blame the parents.

I have no idea what the situation was. In theory, yeah, if you let your kid run around and you’re oblivious and taking a nap or whatever then yeah you’ve doomed your child.

But if you’re just hanging out in he happiest place on earth on a nice sunny day and HOLY FUCK! AN ALLIGATOR JUST GRABBED MY KID! – Really, what are you supposed to do?

Who could ever see that coming?

Yeah. I don’t know what a parent can do.  It is, pardon my French, but it is…a fucking alligator.

If I had a kid, I would surely attempt to wrestle that alligator but what am I going to do? It’s a giant descendant of the dinosaurs and has a mouth full of razor sharp teeth that closes like a steel trap.

What is a parent to do?  Box the alligator? People need to chill out and not be so judgmental.

There’s nothing that can be done unless you’re Australian. All Australians are born with an innate ability to wrestle alligators.  That’s just science.

And you can’t argue with science.

One or two of you 3.5 readers will think I’m making light of this terrible situation but I really am not.

I really, truly, sincerely feel terrible, both for this child lost too soon and for the child’s family who went through something no one should have to experience.

I am, in a polite manner, just inquiring why God couldn’t have intervened here and sent that alligator back into the water, thus sparing so much grief and sadness and pain for so many people.

If I’m making light of anything, it is the horrendous state of the world we live in, when people can’t go to a park dedicated to a cartoon mouse and a) not have to worry about alligators absconding with their children and b) not have to worry about getting shot because, yeah, if you missed it on the news, the terrorist did case Disney World previously.

 

Finally God, I know you like to stay on the sidelines and not get involved (God, er you know you haven’t intervened much on my behalf despite numerous and often pathetic teary eyed pleadings) we’re really going to need you to make an official ruling on something.

Could you take like 15 minutes out of your busy schedule and just go on one of these talking head cable news channel pundit shows – pick any one of them, any one of them at all, and just be a guest and announce once and for all that you don’t want people shooting, killing, stabbing or otherwise doing heinous shit in your name.

I feel like it could help out a lot.

But seriously dude. You really could have stopped that damn alligator.

Hey, what can I say though really? Could I do a better job at Godding?  Probably not. Not unless I’ve walked a mile in your sandals.  So no, I’m not going to be a pain in the ass and nag you about this all the time.

It’s just a learning lesson really. A teachable moment. You sense an alligator is about to eat a kid and you snap your Godly fingers and boom the alligator gets a bad case of diarrhea and makes a mad dash back in the water.

Thanks God. And, I’m totally not asking or anything but if you wanted to toss 20 or 30.5 extra readers my way, I would not complain at all.

Your humble servant, dedicated to singing your praises on a blog with 3.5 readers,

BQB

 

 

 

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Jun 14 2016
7 Comments
Things That Really Frost My Ass

Things That Really Frost My Ass – People Who Ask, “What Do You Mean?” In Response to Clearly Worded Statements

By: Uncle Hardass, Grumpy Old Man Correspondent

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BQB’s Epically Grumpy Uncle Hardassimo “Hardass” J. Scrambler

Hello Degenerate 3.5 Readers.

Still working on your precious writing careers I see.

Hey I just thought of an idea for a novel.

Its about a bunch of Internet bloggers who sit around and try to become writers all day.  Then one of them gets a job at the salt mines. The end.

That’s right. Pure fiction all the way.

Anyway, allow me to bend your ear about the dumbest question in the entire language.

It’s not so much as a question as a response. People use it all the time and if you use it on me it will really frost my ass.

So, suppose I’m digging around in the fridge in search of a nice gallon of moo juice to poor on my doctor approved raisin bran.

I can’t find any so I say:

“We’re out of milk.”

Do you know what my wife, BQB’s Aunt Gertie, would always say in response?

“What do you mean we’re out of milk?”

Hello. Did I not just speak in clear, concise English? Were my words garbled?

Did a damn wizard cast a spell on me when I wasn’t looking and force me to speak in Mandarin?

Look, I’m not exactly a distinguished Professor of English at Oxford University, but I’m pretty sure that the sentence, “We are out of milk” is universally understood to mean any of the following:

  • There is no milk.
  • Our supply of milk is non-existent.
  • The container of milk has no milk inside of it.
  • We are no longer proud owners of milk.
  • Grab a cow and squeeze one of its titties into this damn milk jug so I don’t have to eat my raisin bran dry for crying out loud.

Oh God. People use that response all the time. It’s just nonsensical throat clearing is what it is.

People’s brains don’t work so they need something to say to stall while the hamster in their heads start running around on the gears.

Happens to me all the time.  And Gertie is not the only culprit either.

Perhaps you people have even experienced this phenomenon in your stupid miserable lives.

Let me walk you through the appropriate responses to give in a few scenarios.

WIFE: The sink is broken.

HUSBAND: What do you mean, “the sink is broken?”

Ahh, now some of you dopes are thinking that the husband here is just asking for clarity. He wants to know the exact nature of the problem. Is the sink clogged? Is the water too hot? What?

Well, perhaps that is understandable, but consider this. The appropriate response would be:

HUSBAND: Please clarify the exact nature of the sink’s broken state.

But, since the husband asked, “What do you mean, ‘the sink is broken?’ then in my book, the wife is perfectly within her rights to respond:

WIFE: I mean there’s no f%&king water coming out of it, you asshole! What the f%&k do you think it means?

Perfectly reasonable response. Uncle Hardass, making marriages stronger since I began my column right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Let’s be honest. My columns are the best thing this dumb blog has going for it.

Moving on, what about this exchange between you and your boss?

BOSS: Did you finish going over the Drexler report yet?

YOU: No, sorry. I didn’t have time.

BOSS: What do you mean, you “didn’t have time?”

Again, the boss should have responded:

BOSS: Please list the other activities you engaged in that kept you from completing your review of the aforementioned file.

But he didn’t say that. He used that loathsome “What do you mean” response.

Ergo, you, as an employee are within you rights to respond as inappropriately as possible.

I suggest going out of your way to be a sarcastic jackass.

YOU: Hmm. I wonder what I meant when I said, “I didn’t have time.” I suppose that most people with a high school education understand the concept that there is a finite amount of time in a work day and if I noted that I did not have the time, that must mean that I was unable to find the time necessary to review the file.

I suppose there could be some alternative meaning in an alternate dimension in which English words are understood differently. Perhaps in another world “I didn’t have time” is understood to mean, “I rode a unicycle to Ted Danson’s house and then Ted and I went to the beach and drove around jet skis all day until we found and befriended a group of friendly dolphins. Now Ted and I and the dolphins solve crimes and fight evil together.”

Sir, I apologize if you are from an alternate dimension where “I did not have time” means something else, but here on Earth, it means, “I did not have time.”

Oh crap on a cracker. I was just handed a note and now I have to state that it is inadvisable to speak to your boss or your spouse or anyone really in any of the above mentioned ways and the Bookshelf Battle Blog can’t be held responsible if you do so.

Fine. You people do whatever you want.

Just remember when I tell you to get a job, and you respond, “What do you mean, ‘get a job’? I mean, “GET A JOB!!!”

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Jun 10 2016
2 Comments
Votentate

Votentate – The Mighty Potentate for President

Standby for a Transmission from the Mighty Potentate…

…SCANNING….SCANNING…ACQUIRING CONTROL OF THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE BLOG…

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Attention pitiful humans, for it is I, the Mightiest of Potentates.

I have taken control of this miserable excuse for a blog to address two points:

1) Bookshelf Q. Battler, the Chosen One, continues to dilly dally in his assignment to produce a novel so well-written that it convinces you all to abandon the most wretched of all human art forms, “reality television.”  You must continue to pester him to no end to finish his novel or else Earth will be invaded and turned into an intergalactic drive-thru delicatessen.

2) It has come to my attention that this your country known as the United States of America is choosing its leader.

I have reviewed the candidates:

  • Both are very, very old. Older than the deepest, darkest black hole in the entire universe. Entire empires have risen and fallen during their existences. Note that to my species, they are mere babes. But to humans, they are older than dirt. They roamed the Earth during the time of the dinosaurs, the beings that did a much better job of running your planet, in my opinion.
  • One wears some type of wounded animal on his head. The other has enough pantsuits to fill a Lane Bryant warehouse. (What is a Lane Bryant warehouse? I do not know what this means. My advisor, Alien Jones, told me pitiful humans  would find this amusing.)
  • Both are very ego driven, as all Earth politicians are. Frankly, as all intergalactic politicians are. The male has built many tacky towers in his name. The female has siphoned enough money through her power and influence to choke a horse.
  • As a pitiful human, you might argue that I, the Mighty Potentate, am ego driven. I am. I have built many monuments to myself. And if you had conquered and civilized as many systems as I have, you’d be able to build many monuments to yourself, Earth loser.

In short, neither candidate is suitable, and thus, as the ruler of all I survey, I command you to write in “The Mighty Potentate” on your pathetic ballots this November.

I understand you American Humans are a particularly inquisitive bunch, which is a concept I don’t fully grasp as I am not used to having to explain myself.

Just ask any alien under my command:

WHAT A POLITICAL DEBATE LOOKS LIKE IN THE WORLD OF THE MIGHTY POTENTATE:

The Mighty Potentate commands me to do X.  Should I:

A) Do X and not be vaporized.

B) Do X and not be vaporized.

C) Refuse to do X and be vaporized (Report to the vaporization chamber immediately if you select this choice.)

But very well. I shall abide by your Earth customs and answer your questions about the issues:

QUESTION #1 Mighty Potentate, if elected president, how would you fix the economy?

Vaporization.

QUESTION #2 – What?

All must be useful and productive or be vaporized. Next question, pitiful human.

QUESTION #3 – Free trade has been brought up a great deal in this election.  How would you secure the best trade deals to make America competitive in the global market?

Vaporization. Purchase our products at the prices of our choosing or become vapor.

QUESTION #4 – I’m beginning to see a pattern here. The possibility of a war is always a concern for the person who holds the oval office. As President, how would you avoid war?

Vaporization. Stop pitching so many softballs, pitiful human.

QUESTION #5 – Vaporization again?

Indeed. All will hail the Mighty Potentate or be vaporized.

QUESTION # 6 – When you say “vaporize” what exactly do you mean?

I have conquered most of the Universe by perfecting vaporization technology. Through my various vaporization devices, I can turn anyone or anything into a fine mist that quickly dissipates into nothingness.

QUESTION 7 – Right. Moving on. Health care has been in the news lately…

Vaporize the sick. They only slow our operations down.

QUESTION 8 – Do I dare ask about crime?

All will obey the laws of the Mighty Potentate or be vaporized.

QUESTION 9 – Taxes?

Everything belongs to the Mighty Potentate. Render it unto to me or…

QUESTION 10 – Be vaporized. We get it.  What about free speech?

All are free to speak praises of the Mighty Potentate. It is mandatory to do so five times an hour or be vaporized.

QUESTION 11 – What if people don’t want to be vaporized?

Then they will be vaporized.

QUESTION 12 – But how can they protest being vaporized if they’ve been vaporized?

Person-who-wants-to-be-vaporized-says-what?

CONCLUSION:

There you have it, pitiful humans. I am the Mighty Potentate, the only candidate willing to harness the power of vaporization to solve all your problems.

Vote Potentate. Better yet, Votentate.

Paid for by the Committee to Elect the Mighty Potenate or Be Vaporized

 

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