Tag Archives: Comedy

Sep 28 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

And Now a Message From the East Randomtown Mall

The East Randomtown Mall.shutterstock_249816679 copy

Come for the…well, we’re not sure what you’d come for, since there are only three stores still open. Thanks Internet.

Stay for the…oh, who we are kidding?

But we’re pleased to announce that this Thursday, Oct. 1, Dr. Hugo Von Science will be demonstrating his latest invention, the Reality TV Star Transmogrifier, which he claims has the ability to change reality TV stars from useless wastes of space into productive members of society.

Test subjects include that hot chick who put out a sex tape with an NFL player, Jenna Simone of Just Jenna, the Streibcheck brothers of Toilet Catastrophes, and the crew of Stereotypical Italian New Jerseyians.

Dr. Hugo asked us to announce that his device has been fully tested and absolutely no one will be turned into zombies.  Hmm.  That’s kind of a weird announcement but what do we know?  He’s the doctor.

So come on down.  This show is totally free, but please, buy something, will you?

#31Zombie Authors begins Oct. 1!  Sarah Lyons Fleming of the Until the World End Series will kick things off by teaching BQB how to pack the perfect bug out bag, perfect to keep by your door in case you need to flee a zombie attack in a jiffy!

Check out the Oct. 1-10 lineup here.

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Sep 27 2015
1 Comment
You Can't Argue with Science

You Can’t Argue With Science – Super Blood Moon Eclipse

By:  Dr. Hugo Von Science, Prestigious Science Professor

The Most Trusted Name in Science

The Most Trusted Name in Science

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”  You really can’t, can you mein leipshin?  Go on.  Pick a fight mit a telescope and see what happens.  Nothing.

Perhaps you remember me from one of mein amazing inventions:

  • Decrapitrexen – the miracle cure that eliminates the need for bowel eliminations, or zie poopen squirtzen as the layman might say.  Still in zie tweaking phase as zie test chimps have been exploding at a rapid pace because you know, zie laws of physics require that what goes in must either come out or make with zie bing bang boom.
  • Cat Deodorant – makes all felines smell like fresh boysenberries, but good luck spritzing it under their furry armpits.
  • Das Cheaten-engine – Just sold it to mein good friends at Volkswagen.  What?  Did something go wrong?  I haven’t been watching the news.

Undt last but not least:

  • The Shark Slinger – Ha…ha ha…MUAH HA HA!!!  All nations must bow down before me or else I will rain down a furious storm of sharks across the globe and…WOOPSIE!  That one’s not quite perfected yet.  Mein bad.

Anyhoodles, just a quick column to remind Herr 3.5 readers of two things:

  • Super Blood Moon Eclipse – It’s happening tonight.  The moon will turn red and then go into eclipse.  It won’t happen again until 2033 (by which time our robot overlords won’t allow any of us outside) so please, mein leipshin, turn off zie TV and dragenzie asses outside to catch this miracle of science!
  • The Reality TV Star Transmogrifier – I’ll be holding an exhibition of mein latest invention this Thursday at the East Randomtown Mall.  You know, zie one with only three operational stores left and zie rest of zie place looks like a ghost town thanks to e-commerce.  Reality stars will be on hand to help me test mein latest invention, which changes them from useless wastes of space who just do nothing all day while cameras follow them around into productive members of society and not zombies at all.  Don’t worry, mein leipshin.  Nothing could possibly go wrong.  After all, I am Dr. Hugo Von Science, Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, not to mention, zie most trusted name in science.

Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time. His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

The management of the East Randomtown Mall would like to remind BQB’s 3.5 readers that everyone is welcome to attend Dr. Hugo’s demonstration this Thursday, free of charge.  It’s perfectly safe and absolutely no one will be turned into zombies.  

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Sep 26 2015
2 Comments
Things That Really Frost My Ass

Things That Really Frost My Ass – People Who Don’t Know How To Order at McDonald’s

By:  Uncle Hardass, Grumpy Old Man Correspondent

Uncle Hardass

Uncle Hardass, bringing a whopping 20.5 readers to the Bookshelf Battle Blog

Hello again you 3.5 unwashed hippy weasels.

Mother of God, my last column went viral.  Of course, in the parlance of Bookshelf Q. Battler, my good for nothing nephew, “going viral” means a post gets 20.5 readers.  It doesn’t take much for that dufus to pop a champagne cork.

Don’t you people have jobs?  This is what you do with your lives?  Read articles on a blog published by a jackass?  Yeesh.  No wonder the Japanese are beating us.  Japanese kids wake up every morning at four a.m. and complete seventy-eight complex math problems before breakfast.  How much long division have you done today?

You want complaints?  Good, ‘cuz I got ’em.

Do you know what really puts the butter on my yams?  When I walk into a McDonalds, ready for my Big Mac, and there’s some ignorant brain donor standing there, pouring over the menu like its the goddamn Zapruder film, trying to figure out what the hell he wants.

NEWSFLASH DINGUS!  THEY’VE HAD THE SAME BULLSHIT ON THE MENU SINCE NINETEEN HUNDRED AND F%$KING FIFTY FIVE!

Hamburgers, chicken nuggets, and French fries, jerkface!  That’s all they’ve got!  THAT’S ALL THEY’VE GOT!

No, if you stare at that menu a little longer they’re not going to come up with a McFilet Mignon.

They aren’t going to whip up a pot of McSpaghetti for you and you want a bet?  Here’s a bet for you.  If you ever walk into a McDonald’s and walk out with a McBaked Alaska, I will personally chop off my own butt and mail it to Barbados.

THAT, 3.5 readers, is how absolutely, positively, one-hundred percent sure I am that McDonald’s is not going to ever, EVER deviate from the hamburger, chicken nugget, French fry trifecta that has been making them billions and clogging bazillions more arteries since the middle half of the last century.

They even put it on the sign.  Right under the golden arches!  “OVER A HUNDRED BILLION SERVED.”  I think they stopped counting at a hundred billion.  Over a hundred billion people have walked into McDonalds, ordered a hamburger, and walked out, but there will still always be a dirty mouth breather ahead of me who has no clue what he wants.

Take a guess from one of the three items on the menu, jackass!  You’ve got a 33.33 % chance of getting it right!

Does McDonalds even put a burgers served count on their sign anymore?  I don’t even know what they put under the arches now.  I don’t pay attention because I don’t have to because when I go there I’m hungry and I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT!

So listen, Johnny Assclown, if you are able to walk into a McDonald’s and not immediately know whether you want A) a hamburger, B) a box of chicken nuggets or C) an order of French fries then please step aside and take all the time you need to mull over this question of the ages so hard working people can put their order in and get back to their job at the salt mines.

Sorry 3.5 readers.  I just get emotional about this subject.  While I’m ranting, here are some other issues that really scrape my barnacles:

  • People who say “it is what it is” as if they’re the greatest philosopher to walk the Earth since Jean Paul Sartre.  You know what your face is?  Your butt.  Your face is what your butt is because they’re one and the same and they both look exactly identical.
  • Selfie sticks.  I cannot believe that there are so many people taking photographs of their stupid degenerate faces that a device was invented to allow them to take self portraits on their own.  Listen dorkus malorkus, I hate to break it to you, but if you don’t have one friend willing to take your picture, thus leaving you reaching for a stick to do the job, then no one is going to look at a photo of your big head anyway.
  • Does anyone know why school grades go, “A, B, C, D…F?”  Excuse me, but what the “F” happened to E?  Why do I, a grumpy old man, have to be the one to tell a bunch of educators that the alphabet goes, “A, B, C, D, E ?”  Someone, somewhere in the educational system made the conscious decision to skip “E” and go straight to “F” and if you ask me, it’s probably so they could secretly tell dumb kids to go “F” themselves, which in theory, might be a good character building exercise, but in reality, it’s completely unnecessary since life is going to be telling those kids all the time once they’re out in the world.  They don’t need to get it from their teachers too.
  • When I’m stuck in line behind that waste of space who insists on asking the teenage kid making minimum wage 9,788 questions about something she’s buying.  And it’s never something important either.  This lady (sorry, but it’s always an old lady) is buying a damn bag of Chex Mix and yet with all the questions she’s asking, you’d think she was investing in her own nuclear reactor.  “Is this spicy?  How much sodium per bag?  What’s the ratio of pretzels to rye chips?”  Holy Shit, lady, it’s a bag of Chex Mix!  Buy it or don’t but the world will not end either way!
  • Ear buds.  I hate these things.  I miss ear phones.  When did society get together and decide music must be pumped directly into your ear canal?  Like that’s good for you.  But they’re not that bad when you get used to them.  What really puts the slack in my sack is when I put a pair of ear buds in my pocket, take a walk, and some how while they were in my pocket, they managed to get tied up in an intricate series of knots that you require an advanced degree in mechanical engineering to get the whole kit and kaboodle straightened out again.  It’s like a damn gremlin crawled into my pocket and twisted these things together.  Gremlins are such assholes.
  • People who stop and hold the door for me when I’m a mile a way.  Look weirdo, it’s great you’re trying to be polite and all, but unless I’m right behind you, there’s no need to hold the door open so don’t expect me to run like I’m training for a marathon just because no one sent you the memo declaring that chivalry is dead.

That’s all I’ve got for today, 3.5 nitwits.  Knock off the blogging nonsense and get a job today.  The salt mines are always hiring.

Is there something that puts the cream in your cheese?  Share your complaints in the comments.  Or don’t.  What do I care?

Whatever you do, please stop encouraging my nephew.  Writing is for losers, smarmy intellectuals, and other assorted schmucks.

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Sep 24 2015
11 Comments
Count Krakovich - Asshat Vampire

How to Defeat a Vampire – Anti-Glamour Tactics

By:  Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampireshutterstock_115841497 copy

Bleh!  Look into my eyes, 3.5 readers!

You are getting sleepy.  Very sleepy.  You want to do my bidding.  You want to be my obedient slave.

You want to give me your Netflix password.

Seriously, give me your Netflix password.  Vampires like House of Cards too.

Bleh!  Why are you laughing?  No wonder the Vampire League ousted me.  I can’t even glamour the 3.5 devotees of a substandard book blog.

But rest assured, other vampires are better at the ancient art of vampire hypnosis, better known as “glamouring” and if you’re not careful, you will become a vampire’s puppet.

Here are some tips to avoid being glamoured.

#1 – BE UGLY 

Look, let’s face it.  If you’re a vampire with glamouring powers, you’re going to go after the hotties.  I know.  It’s politically incorrect.  The bloodsucking damned should go after the less attractive as well but vampires aren’t called evil for nothing.

If you’re hot, chances are, a vampire is going to try to glamour you.

Meanwhile, the uglier you are, the statistical probability of succumbing to a vampire’s will declines dramatically.

So if you look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings, rejoice!  Your chances of becoming a vampire slave are about .0001 %.

“But Count Krakovich,” you say.  “I’m not ugly.  I’m relatively adorable.  How can I deflect a vampire’s hypnotic eyes?”

#2 – WEAR SHADES

Aviators.  Ray-Bans.  They don’t even have to be shades.  X-Ray specs will also do.

But what if a vampire catches you when you don’t have your sunglasses?

#3 – BE FUNNY

Glamouring takes intense mental concentration.  So if you feel yourself being glamoured, tell a joke immediately.  If you don’t know a joke, make a fart noise.  Forget rules of etiquette and decorum.  A vampire is trying to make you his bitch!  Fart away!

#4 – WATCH WHERE YOU GO

Like any debauched individual, vampires love to cruise the club scene.  If you’re hanging out at places where depravity goes down, i.e. establishments with names like The Flesh Factory or The Butt Barn or Bill Cosby’s Trailer, then the odds of running into a glamour happy vampire are high.

Also, drunkenness makes it that much easier for a vampire to work his twisted mojo on you.  Switch to O’Doul’s.  You’ll be a dud at the party, but you won’t be a vamp snack either.

#5 – TURN YOUR BACK

If you’re hot, and not funny, and refuse to make fart noises, and can’t keep yourself out of dirty clubs, then the only recourse you have left is to walk backwards for the rest of your life and never face anyone ever again.  Put a set of Groucho glasses on the back of your head and attempt to convince everyone your back is your front.  It will be a difficult life for sure, but you never know who might be a vampire, so you’ll have to treat everyone as a potential bloodsucker (which, let’s face it, in today’s day and age, is just sound advice anyway.)

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  Take the knowledge I’ve given you and go forth!  Defeat those lousy vampires who dared to disparage the good name of Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire!

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Sep 23 2015
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Count Krakovich - Asshat Vampire

How to Defeat a Vampire – Religion

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampireshutterstock_115775161 copy

Bleh!  Greetings 3.5 children of the night!

I’m back again to extract my revenge on the League of Vampires for forcing me out of their organization just because I made like thirty disastrous mistakes.

Vampires?  Bunch of Douche-pires if you ask me.

So to get back at those losers I’m educating you, the 3.5 readers, on how to defeat vampires.

Today’s lesson?  Religion.

Now, you’re all aware that a crucifix can stop a vampire in its tracks.  A cross held to our skin long enough will burn us, but we usually just hiss loudly and run in the opposite direction whenever we see one, not giving the cross holder the chance to harm us in the first place.

That’s because we vampires are considered abominations in the eyes of God.  Bodies are meant for the living and for the dead to be using one really pisses the Man Upstairs off.

Vampires.  Zombies.  Used car salesmen.  All despised by the Creator.

“But Count Krakovich,” you say.  “I don’t usually wear a crucifix.  I’m not a priest or a stereotypical Italian bookie in a track suit.  Can I still use religion to defeat a vampire?”

Answer:  yes.

First of all, if you’re not a Christian, any other religious symbol will do.  That’s something we vampires like to keep on the down low.

So if you’re a member of the tribe, whip out your Star of David and a vampire will hiss louder than a defective muffler.

Muslim?  Show that vampire a crescent moon.

Scientologist?  Show that bloodsucker the picture of Tom Cruise you keep in your wallet.  Don’t lie.  You know you have one.

Jehovah’s Witness?  Smack that vampire in the face with a rolled up copy of The Watchtower.  Finally, you can do something useful with that magazine other than shoving it into the exhausted hand of that poor bastard you woke up at six a.m. and now he’s standing at his front door in his bathrobe, nodding politely, waiting for your sermon to end so he can deposit your offering into his circular file.

Atheist?  Hmm.  Tricky one.  But belief is belief and as long as your belief in nothing is strong, you should be able to deflect a vampire attack simply by saying, “Have a Nice Day.”

If you believe in nice days, that is.

“But Count Krakovich, I have none of these things!”

That’s ok.  Any of the following will do:

  • Any photo of a Holy Man, from the Pope to Al Sharpton.
  • A bible.  You heathen.  You know have ONE in your house.  Your Grandmother gave you one for your birthday when you were a kid and has been asking you for years if you’ve read it yet and you keep coming up with reasons why you haven’t.  Stop hiding weed in it and read the damn thing.  You’ll learn some choice phrases to use to ward off evil, especially vampires.  Crap if you don’t have one, swipe the free one from the hotel left by the Gideons.
  • Wait.  I’m told stealing a bible cancels its power out.  Don’t steal one.  You will actually have to invest a few bucks to buy one.  It will be worth it when it keeps you from becoming a vampire sorbet.
  • Voo doo is a type of religion, though typically looked at as a form of dark magic.  Treat yourself to a delicious bucket of KFC then save the bones to throw at a vampire in a pinch.  FYI – you will have to become a fully fledged voo doo priest first.
  • Showing the following DVDs to a vampire will cause it to die, not due to the effects of religion, but just from sheer boredom:  Sister Act, Sister Act 2, or Fireproof, that pile of crap put out by Kirk Cameron long after Growing Pains ended and he became a male church lady.
  • The Ten Commandments, either the new one with Christian Bale, or the classic one with Charlton Heston, will hold a vampire back long enough for you to make a run for it.  Absent a copy of either film, you can still channel your best 1930’s gangster impression and shout, “Where’s your messiah now?” a la Edward G. Robinson in the original.  Doing so has no specific power over the vampire per se, but it will make him laugh long enough for you to skeedaddle.
  • Singing the following songs will render a vampire’s powers useless: Amazing Grace, Onward Christian Soliders, and Jesus Walks by Kanye West.  In fact, just hold up your copy of the Yeezus album.  Few are aware that Kanye is the second coming, which is odd, because he informs everyone every chance he gets.

Take my advice and you can’t go wrong against those jerk face vampires, 3.5.  So gather as many religious accouterments as you can get your hands on and take out those vamps for me, your new pal, Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire.

Attorney Donnelly reminds readers to please not steal those hotel bibles.  The last thing BQB needs is a lawsuit from the Gideons shoved up his butt.

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Sep 22 2015
8 Comments
The Writer's Battle

The Writer’s Battle – What Can We Learn From Pizza Rat?

Holy Crap.  Will you 3.5 readers drop what you’re doing and look at this little jerk?

This rat has got to be the last true believer of the American Dream, let me tell you.

Look at him!

Other rats see a slice of pizza.  Maybe they’ll take a bite.  Maybe they’ll push it a little, get tired, and scurry away.

But here this little schmuck is, carrying this piece of pizza (WHICH IS BIGGER THAN HE IS) down a flight of stairs, one step at a time, presumably in an attempt to cart it off to his rat lair to feed his rat wife and rat children.

God bless you, Pizza Rat.  You’ve made me believe again.  Shit, let’s elect this rat president.

What can writers learn from Pizza Rat?

  • Writing is hard work.  It’s one thing to think about doing it, but only determination and sheer will gets it done.
  • When others shrug their shoulders and give up, you get in there and get that pizza!  Other people give up on writing all the time.  By keeping at it, you’re doing better than all the other writers, just like this rat did better than all the other rats.  You see any other rats out there becoming a viral video star?  I think not.
  • Success comes one step at a time.  Get the pizza slice down one step.  Then another step.  Then another one.  Don’t skip steps. This furry little contagion infested dynamo look at the stairs and cry, “Oh my God!  Too many steps!  I give up!”  No, damn it, he took his slice down one step at a time.  Unfortunately, the video cut short and it does appear like he abandoned his slice at one point, but I like to think that he got nervous around the humans and went back for his dinner once the coast was clear.
  • The same thing goes for your writing.  You start your blog.  You think, “Oh my God!  That other blog has thousands of readers!  I only have 3.5!  SO WHAT?  You get in there and you entertain the ever loving shit out of your adoring 3.5 readers, just as I do every day.  I’ve dragged my pizza/blog down the 3.5 readers step.  One day I’ll drag it down the 100 readers step.  Then the 200 readers step.  Before you know it I’ll be back at my rat lair, chomping on my pizza, or rather, enjoying an audience of a thousand readers.
  • Apply the Pizza Rat model to your daily word count.  Don’t be like one of those lazy ass rats who looks at a pizza, shouts, “Too big!  No thanks!” and scurry off with an empty belly.  Don’t look at your computer screen and go, “A hundred thousand words!  I’ll never type that much!  I’ll just give up on my dream!”  No.  Be like Pizza Rat.  Type a few words today.  A few more tomorrow.  After awhile, you’ll have one delicious novel.

Patience.  Determination.  Guts.  Glory.  Be strong enough to do the work others are too weak to even try.

God damn it, Pizza Rat, if I were a hot she-rat I’d be so turned on I’d have a million of your pizza rat babies and send them out to spread the plague all over the five boroughs.

So remember, 3.5 readers/aspiring writers, today, your writing career might make you feel like a tiny rat and success will appear as far away as the bottom of a long ass stairwell.  But go slow, take it one step at a time, and before you know it, you’ll be feasting on cheesy, gooey success.

Pizza Rat 4-Eva!

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Sep 22 2015
4 Comments
Zombie Trump

Zombie Trump Reviews the Walking Dead – Recap of Last Season

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  It has come to my attention that Dr. Hugo Von Science recently attended one of Presidential Candidate Donald Trump’s campaign events, stole a cup the billionaire drank out of, and successfully spliced The Donald’s DNA with that of a zombie held in captivity.

The result?  ZOMBIE TRUMP.  I thought about reporting this to the authorities but decided it would be fun to just let him review The Walking Dead when the new season begins.

Here, Zombie Trump will catch you up on where the series left off at the end of last season.

Hello 3.5 losers.

First of all, I want to say that being on this goofball website is completely beneath me.  Bookshelf Q. Battler, that nerdy dope, should get down on his hands and knees and thank me for giving his pathetic excuse for a website the highest ratings boost it will ever see.

Zombie Trump

Zombie Trump

3.5 readers?  I’ll have this joint swinging with 3.5 million readers when I’m done with it.  And will that clown appreciate it?  I doubt it.  I’d ask for a little nibble on BQB’s brain as compensation but I doubt he has one.

So let’s talk about those survivors from last season.  Apparently, I’m obligated to warn you that there are SPOILERS ahead, because for some reason, people get really whiney when their shows are spoiled.

I don’t know why you’re wasting your time with lame zombie shows anyway when you should be checking out the luxurious Zombie Trump Taj Mahal.  Try your luck at the craps table, then get eaten and turned into literal zombie crap.  Oh and the buffet is all you can eat for $9.99 so really, there’s not a better deal around.

Where’d we leave off?

RICK GRIMES

Look, I know a lot of ladies think he’s hot and handsome but I’m telling you, this guy is a total loser.  If you ask me, I’d rather have a Sheriff that can actually bring the bad guys in, not crash his car while in pursuit and end up in a coma during the zombie outbreak when he’s needed the most.

Seriously, how am I supposed to trust this guy to lead when he couldn’t even keep his best friend Shane from slipping his wife the old one eyed salamander?

Last time we saw Rick, he was abusing his authority as a newly appointed Sheriff in the settlement at Alexandria.  Beat a guy up because he wanted to get hot and heavy with his wife.  Making plans to take the community over if things don’t go his way.  Classy?  I don’t think so.

Sorry Rick.  I wouldn’t hire you to guard the Zombie Trump Golf Course.  Eighteen links of pure zombie fun.

CAROL

Yeesh!  Look at that face!  Is that the face of a woman that you want to see in your zombie apocalypse survivor’s group?  I don’t think so.

Oh what?  What?  I was just talking about her record.  She’s actually a beautiful woman.

Although if we’re getting into it, a little bit of blonde hair dye wouldn’t hurt her.  Make her up to look like my first wife, Zombie Ivana, or my second wife, Zombie Marla Maples.

But let’s talk about this gal’s record.  Killing a kid?  Threatening to kill another kid?

Sure she’s able to lull her enemies into a false sense of security by fooling them into thinking she’s just a dowdy old homemaker only to strike when they least expect it, but you know what I’d tell her if she worked at the Zombie Trump Casino Day Care Center?

YOU’RE FIRED.

DARYL

Who is this loser running around on a motorcycle with a crossbow like he’s some kind of hillbilly heart throb?  Look Jethro, a shave and a haircut never hurt anyone.  I’ll give you the number of my personal stylist.  She’s does great work.  Just look at me.

GLENN

Glenn, we gave you one simple task.  Keep that Noah kid alive.  You failed.  I know you tried your best but best doesn’t cut it.  Sorry, I know this is harsh, but as punishment, I’ve banned you from all Zombie Trump resorts and associated properties.

THE GOVERNOR

Not gonna lie.  This man had a lot of moxie.  I was sorry to see him go.  He was a real take charge kind of guy.  Even with one eye he was able to see two or three moves ahead.  Best character on the entire show.

He built a wall around his town and if you ask me, building a wall is an idea my fellow zombies and I should try.

My fellow zombies, for far too long we’ve suffered at the hands of these lousy human survivors.  We build up our zombie communities and in they come, putting arrows in our brains, taking our zombie jobs.  They’re rapists, murderers, and SOME of them, I assume, are good people, but we just can’t allow the influx of doomsday preppers, hillbillies, and other assorted human survivors to invade our territory any longer.

So I propose that we build an enormous wall to keep the zompoc survivors out.

Elect me as President of All Zombies and I assure you on my first day in office, not only will I build a giant wall around all zombies, but I’ll make those loser humans pay for it.

BQB, you’re welcome.  You didn’t even deserve an appearance from me on your stupid blog but you got one anyway.

3.5 readers, I don’t know why you’re wasting your time on this nonsense, but let me remind you, I’m going to be reviewing the next season of The Walking Dead right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog and I will tell you this:

IT’S GOING TO BE HUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGE!

I’d eat all 3.5 of your brains but I’d probably go hungry.  Mic drop.  Zombie Trump out.

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Sep 21 2015
3 Comments
Count Krakovich

Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

By: Count Krakovich, Special Vampire Correspondent

Count Krakovich, A-Hole Vampire

Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

Bleh!  Bleh!  Excuse me!  I have a bad taste in my mouth.  Must be that Diet Shasta Blood.

Good evening, 3.5 children of the night!

I am Count Krakovich and I am…a VAMPIRE!

Why, you might ask, would I reveal myself on a pitiful blog that only caters to 3.5 readers?

Well, recently, I was kicked out of the League of Vampires.  Something about leaving the back door of the castle open so the villagers could come in and burn my brethren alive.

Vampires are such crybabies.

Actually, that wasn’t my first foul up.  The High Vampire said it was the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back.”

My other alleged screw-ups (which I do not confirm or deny) include:

  • Hiring a cleaning crew to take down the drapes and wash them…at noon on the sunniest day of the year.  What?  You find a crew that’s willing to drive out to a spooky castle at night and then you can give me that look.
  • I may, and I stress, MAY have lost a bus load of sacrificial virgins.  I replaced them with a bus full of sorority sisters on spring break hoping the High Vampire would not notice, but notice he did.  In my defense, you try to find a virgin these days.
  • Say one prayer in the vicinity of a bucket of water, the Second-in-Command vampire uses it for a bath and gets burned to a crisp.  Who knew that’s all it takes to create holy water?  It’s not like I was praying for anything extraordinary.  I was just asking God to let my favorite sports team win because I know he takes an interest in these things.
  • The vampires put me in charge of vampire pizza night.  I come back with what I assume is a meat lover’s pizza only to discover too late that it’s the garlic lover’s special.  Yes, I suppose I should have checked first before I left the pizza parlor but how am I to blame for Transylvania House of Pizza’s gross incompetence?
  • I was charged with redecorating the Vampire Castle.  I smashed all the old furniture, put all the sticks into a big dumpster and hired a crew of local villagers to haul it away.  Low and behold, they used the sticks as stakes and took out half the Vampire League.  OK.  Should I have seen that coming?  Yes.  But hindsight is 20/20.  Now I know not to hand villagers a pile of stakes.  I won’t do that next time.  You live and you learn.  You think the High Vampire sees it that way?  Ha.  That guy has a stick up his ass.  That’s not a joke.  A villager put it there and now the High Vampire refuses to forgive me.

So anyway, twenty or thirty pooch screws later and here I am, no longer affiliated with any reputable vampire organization.  No one will have me and I blame the League.  What pathetic loser faces they are, that they’d force me out after all I did for them.

Fear not, 3.5, for I, Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire, will get my revenge by using this blog  for the next week to inform the world how to kill vampires.

Feel free to use my lessons on those a-holes in the Vampire League, especially that douchebag High Vampire.

Just don’t use these ideas on me, because hey, we’re cool, right?

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Sep 20 2015
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Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death

Help Me Cure Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death – FAQ

Hello.

Earlier this year, this came out of my butt. I survived, but many won't be so lucky until we find a cure for LITPTD.

Earlier this year, this came out of my butt. I survived, but many won’t be so lucky until we find a cure for LITPTD.

I’m mildly famous Internet celebrity, Bookshelf Q. Battler, host of a website that reaches a broad swath of 3.5 readers.

On this blog, I’ve discussed in extensive detail my dream of becoming a published writer.

But I also have a second dream, one that I’m ashamed to say I haven’t talked about enough.

I yearn for a day when the medical community discovers a cure to Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death.

I know.  You have questions.  I’ve taken the liberty of a FAQ.

WHAT IS LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTERY TOILET DEATH?

It happens when:

  • You plug way too many electrical devices and/or appliances into an overburdened wall socket.
  • A terrible storm occurs.
  • In the middle of the storm, you get hungry and pop a toaster pastry into a toaster.
  • At the precise moment when your pastry pops out of the toaster, a bolt of lighting strikes your home, enters the socket, flows out through the toaster and jumps into your pastry.
  • The lightning becomes “infused” with the pastry, bonding with the snack’s molecules, causing it to grow ten feet long.
  • You, being a fatty fat fatty, don’t give a shit and eat it anyway.
  • An hour later, you experience terrible stomach pains and an overwhelming urge to run to the bathroom.
  • What comes in must go out and on the way out, the blast is so powerful that it steals your life force.

SO THIS IS A FATAL ILLNESS?

Indeed.  If you ever see a lightning infused toaster pastry, run away!

THEN HOW ARE YOU STILL HERE?

Good question, noble reader.  In the epic tale, BQB and the Meaning of Life, which sadly, I have yet to finish as I’m a lazy sack of crap, I detail how I died on the toilet whilst passing a lightning bolt I consumed in the form of a toaster pastry.

Luckily, in death, I met William Shakespeare, the greatest writer of all time.  He gave me a second chance at life, urging me to search for the meaning of our existence.

I should really get around to finishing that story.  I mean, shit, it involves the meaning of life.  That’s probably good for a site click or two.

I don’t know.  You tell me.  If you were to log onto Facebook and see:

  • NEWS STORY #1 – Bookshelf Q. Battler discovers the meaning of life!

OR

  • NEWS STORY #2 – Kim Kardashian’s Butt Elected as Prime Minister of Lichtenstein, which one would you choose?

I know.  I know.  Kim’s butt.  It’s ok.

Toilets should be a welcome place for release, not a crime scene.

Toilets should be a welcome place for release, not a crime scene.

IS THIS DANGEROUS TO OTHERS?

Indeed.  The Institute for Fake Research has identified the following cases:

  • Myra Schlangley of Boise, Idaho, gave into temptation and devoured a lightning infused toaster pastry.  She then went to bed and in the middle of the night, not only met her demise whilst passing the trapped lightning bolt, but also zapped her husband Norman with her butt just as the Emperor zapped Luke Skywalker with his lightning hands.  The Schlangleys were well respected in their community of potato growers and will be missed.
  • Calculus Teacher Barney Snodgrass of French Lick, Indiana, was in his break period, correcting test papers when he succumbed to the wiles of a lightning infused toaster pastry.  An hour later, his afternoon class began and was in the middle of lecturing his students on their poor performance.  Specifically, he said, “If one of you dummies ever bothers to study, I’ll be so surprised that lightning will shoot out of my butt!”  Needless to say, it did, but luckily, all the students were able to steer clear.  Sadly, Mr. Snodgrass did not survive the ordeal, but reports are that his students were so impressed that they redoubled their efforts and are now all considered world class mathematicians.
  • Dr. Hugo Von Science, esteemed Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, is currently researching a project to harness the power of butt lightning for commercial electricity purposes.  Specifically, a test group of seven chimpanzees with cast iron butt implants have been able to consume lightning infused toaster pastries with reckless abandon.  The lightning harnesses from their butts has been enough to power a small city.  Not a good one mind you, but one of those tiny burgs with a minor league team that pretends like they’re hot shit and what not.  At any rate, unless you have a cast iron butt, this malady will prove fatal.

WHAT SHOULD I DO IF MY LOVED ONE HAS CONSUMED A LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTRY?

DO NOT be a hero.  Run.  Your friend or relative is doomed.  Don’t go out in a butt lightning zap.

If you insist on staying, be sure to steer clear of the blast radius.  If you can see the butt in question, you’re standing in the wrong spot.

WHAT PROGRESS HAS BEEN MADE TOWARD A CURE?

Scientists are currently working on the following methods:

  • Hypnosis to train the mind to stay away from lightning infused toaster pastries.
  • A “Post Consumption Pill” to be taken that would absorb the lightning, breaking it down into a series of small sparks that will fly out of the afflicted’s butt, causing minor distress.
  • Dr. Hugo believes that his cast iron monkey butts will be applied toward human butts by the year 2050.

CAN THIS HAPPEN WITH ANY OTHER BREAKFAST FOOD AND/OR WEATHER RELATED DISASTER?

Indeed.  Lightning can enter a delicious toaster pastry.

However, it can also enter a blueberry muffin, a cheese danish, a glazed, sprinkled, or otherwise decorated donut, a pancake, or anything else you might normally stick in your maw between the hours of 6-11 a.m.  (though it can happen at any time of the day.  My incident happened at night.)

Further, lightning is not the only type of weather event that can enter a breakfast food.

For example, my girlfriend, Video Game Rack Fighter, aka Victoria Gloria Somersby Stratenhaus, died on the toilet after consuming a hurricane infused jelly donut.

This occurred after a hurricane entered a microwave she was using to warm her donut, because she likes hot jelly, and no I’m trying to make a bad pun.

Other noted cases discovered by the Fake Institute:

  • Three years ago, John Hotchkiss of Lexington, KY consumed a tornado infused bowl of Grape Nuts Cereal.  Reports indicate he is still spinning around by his butt today.
  • Bob Fendersnuff of Austin, TX devoured a wind infused bear claw one fateful morning.  His corpse was found in Sri Lanka.
  • In one of the worst cases ever seen, Violet Cremmelhorn of Albuquerque, NM, ate a monsoon laden bagel covered with a hail storm infused cream cheese spread.  In the wake of this horrifying incident, authorities declared the building this happened in to be so messy that it had to be condemned, as cleaning was an impossibility.

WHY ARE YOU ONLY FOCUSING ON LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTRY TOILET DEATH THEN?

We have to start somewhere.  Let’s cure this affliction one type of breakfast food infused with one type of weather event at a time.

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?

Spread the word.  It’s always possible to find another treat, but you can’t find another life.

Be strong.  Put down the weather infused breakfast food and run.

Not everyone is lucky enough to be given the second chance that VGRF and I were given.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Thanks for taking a minute to talk about this very special issue near and dear to my heart and butt.

Together, we can cure Lightning Infused Toilet Pastry Toilet Death

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Sep 19 2015
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Happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day

All International Talk Like a Pirate Day Posts

By:  Bonnie Lass, Special Guest Pirateshutterstock_299589737 copy

Ahoy me buckos!

Talk Like a Pirate Day isn’t just a National Holiday.  It’s an INTERNATIONAL holiday.

Aye, from the streets of London, to the colonies in the Americas and ARRR all the way to the Isle of Tortuga, ye need to be talkin’ like a pirate on this fine day matey, arr.

Here be a collection of the Talk Like a Pirate Tutorials brought to ye by Capt. Deathbeard’s crew:

Talk Like a Pirate at the Office 

Talk Like a Pirate at a Restaurant

Talk Like a Pirate While Babysitting 

Talk Like a Pirate While Driving 

Talk Like a Pirate – Idle Chatter 

Commonly Used Pirate Phrases

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