Tag Archives: funny

Aug 21 2016
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Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Sausage Party (2016)

“Once you see that shit, it will f%$k you up for life.”

So said the talking twinkie and I gotta be honest, he wasn’t kidding.

If you see this movie, it might very well f%*k you up for life.

But then again, if you saw the trailer and went anyway, you were probably f%&ked up to begin with.

That doesn’t say much about me since I saw the trailer and went to it anyway.

SPOILER ALERT – I can’t really discuss it without spoiling it so, if you’re worried about that, read no further.

BQB here with a review of Seth Rogen’s R rated animated film, Sausage Party.

I’m just gonna throw it out there.

Seth was no doubt smoking some very potent cannabis when he wrote this shit.

I’m an hour out of seeing it myself and I still haven’t quite wrapped my head around it, but let me try.

OK.  So every Pixar animated movie is basically about something or someone that doesn’t usually talk right?

Talking toys in Toy Story. Talking fish in Finding Nemo. Heck, forget Pixar. Pretty much every cartoon features either an inanimate object or an animal that can talk and these films usually revolve around, “Gee whiz, kids, what do these toys, fish, other things that don’t normally talk do when we aren’t paying attention to them?”

So Seth turned that concept into one great big joke by asking, “What if food products talk to each other when we aren’t watching?”

Yup. Like I said. He’s been hitting the hard stuff.

In this time of reboots, sequels, prequels, and sequels to prequels of rebooted reboots, I have to hand it to Seth – this movie was original.

It put a lot of stuff on the screen that my eyes, ears, sensory receptors and brain aren’t used to processing – namely, quality rendered animated characters doing and saying horrible, terrible, disgusting things to each other.

Highlights:

  • Food products screaming in terror as they get sliced, diced and chomped.
  • Aforementioned food products staging a revolt and murdering humans in gruesome detail.  (Seeing a severed human head in an animated movie is definitely original, but uh…not really sure that was something that I wanted to see.  The twinkie was right. I’m effed up for life now.)
  • Zombie corn kernels trapped in poop.  Took me a second to get it but it does make scientific sense if you think about it.
  • `Food products act in stereotypical ways based on their country of origin.  Salma Hayek voices a horny taco.  David Krumholtz voices a Middle Eastern lavash (sort of like a soft taco-esque wrap) and Ed Norton voices a Jewish bagel (Sammy Bagel Jr.)  The lavash and bagel trade barbs throughout the film until they become way, way, way too friendly in the end, and boy do I mean the end. Uhh…I mean I’m not very PC but as I watched it I thought, “Wow, the social justice warriors are going to be all over this shit on Twitter.”
  • The crux of the film is that Frank the Sausage (Seth Rogen) wants to make sweet love to and live happily ever with Brenda Bunson (Kristen Wiig) a hot dog bun that bears a striking resemblance to a cooter.
  • The plot ties heavily into religion, namely, are the food products better off thinking that the humans are taking them out of the grocery store to live nice happy lives?  Would they just go nuts and be unhappy if they knew the truth that they were destined to be eaten? (And thanks Seth, on top of having to watch fornicating produce I really needed a reminder that my hope that there’s life after death is scientifically unsound and that in all likelihood I will end up just as disappointed as those poor, poor food products who ended up gnashed between a pair of giant teeth.)
  • A druggie injects himself with bath salts and is able to communicate with the food.  Gotta say, aside from the severed head, a dude dropping a spike in his vein is another subject I never thought that would ever be tackled by a cartoon so uh…I guess Seth broke new ground there but uh…I’m not sure that’s ground that should have been broken?  (Kids, please don’t try that at home…or anyone else…to quote South Park’s Mr. Mackey, “Drugs are bad, mmm’kay?”)
  • Nick Kroll lends his voice to a douche that, naturally, acts like a douche.  IMO, the douchey douche was one of the funnier parts of the movie.
  • And finally, the orgy.  The terrible, horrible, monstrous orgy.  Food products having hardcore sex with each other to celebrate their victory over the humans.  I…I don’t even know what to say.  I get they were animated food products and all but it was still so graphic that it left me wondering how this movie didn’t get an NC-17 rating slapped on it.

Hmm…so, I’m not a prude.  There were a few times where I did outright laugh but for the most part, the film’s appeal is similar to that of a gruesome car accident.  You don’t really WANT to see any of it and you know not looking away makes you a bad person but you can’t help but look…and stare…and gawk….and repeatedly ask yourself, “Am I really seeing what I think I’m seeing?!”

Ironically, animation has been around for so long now that I think if done right, there probably is a niche market for cartoon movies that appeal to adults (not as in the characters have to hump and drop F-bombs every five seconds just for the freak out factor) but because there may be things that can be done through animation that real life actors can’t do.

STATUS: I don’t want to call it shelf-worthy or non-shelf-worthy.  Rather, if you’re easily offended, stay away.  If you’re a rubbernecker who can’t help but stare at an ungodly traffic accident, then this film is for you.

About an hour into the film, I found myself thinking, “OK Seth. I get the joke. You’re going to make cartoon food products do terrible things because you can.”

I came.  I saw.  I was already f&*ked up.

We all aspire to be the first one to do something.  Seth, as far as I know, is the first film maker to document food products vigorously humping each other on screen, so no one can take that dubious honor away from him I suppose.

You know 3.5 readers, all I know is that around the turn of the millennium, I was in college and a bunch of my buddies and I went to see South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut.  We were in hysterics of Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s raunchy brand of comedy.

Those two broke many taboos and did the world suffer for it?

Yes.  Yes it did. The world totally sucks now.  Thanks a lot, Trey and Matt.

But at least Sausage Party couldn’t make the world any worse than it already is now, right?

I’m sure the current generation of immature college students are guffawing all over the sight of hot food on food action.

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Aug 20 2016
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Things I Worry About with Lloyd Bunson

Things I Worry About with Lloyd Bunson

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Llyod Bunson, Professional Worrier

Hello 3.5 readers.

I’m Lloyd Bunson, Professional Worrier.

You might remember me from the epic tale, Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life, in which I saved Bookshelf Q. Battler and Video Game Rack Fighter’s lives with my web program, Lloyd Bunson’s Happy Fun Time Ejector Seat Channel.

Yup.  I’m still educating the populace about ejector seats, but now, thanks to BQB, I can write a column about my other favorite pastime – worrying about literally everything.

This column will be a running a log of things I am very, very, VERY concerned about.

In fact, here’s what I’m worried about right now:

  • Getting Framed for a Murder I Didn’t Commit

I spent 98% of my time worrying that a murderer might commit a murder and then frame me for it.

Specifically, I become paralyzed with worry whenever I’m out in public because I fear that a murderer will steal a glass I used at a restaurant or fish a turd I left in a public toilet and leave the glass and/or the turd next to the victim at a crime scene, thus fooling the police into thinking I committed a murder when in fact, I am a law abiding citizen who would never do such a thing.

  • That Someone Might Slip Me a Mickey

I never leave my drink out of my sight, even around people I know and/or by normal standards, would be required by social conventions to consider trustworthy.  I don’t care if you’re my brother, sister, uncle, cousin, or what have you, I am convinced that everyone is thinking about slipping Mickey powder into my drink at all times.

If I need to pee, I’ll bring my drink into the public bathroom.  No one is slipping me a Mickey on my watch.

If I’m alone in my own house, I will walk around, drink in hand. How could I possibly know that while I left the room, a ninja didn’t break into my house, slip a Mickey into my drink, and then slink away?

Look, I’m not a wealthy man. I can’t afford to dump out a perfectly good glass of soda pop every time I need to get up and leave for a moment, and I just can’t take the risk that ninjas aren’t trying to poison me.

If you have enough faith in the world to believe that ninjas aren’t trying to poison your drink every time you leave the room, then God bless you.

Me? I’m not going to get Cosbied, thank you very much.

  • Getting Embalmed/Buried

What if death isn’t so much death as it is an extended, indefinite sleep at low power?

Not only am I an advanced stage hypochondriac who worries constantly about death, I worry that when I die and get embalmed and buried, that I’m just going to lie there for all eternity, feeling terribly claustrophobic in a box where the lid is right up in my grill and I won’t be able to move.

Thus, I have left specific instructions that I am to be cryogenically frozen, as I worry that in the future, scientists will discover the cure to whatever kills me and will therefore drop what they are doing and revive me and cure me.

  • Farting in Front of the Queen of England

I realize this is ridiculous because a) I don’t live in England and b) my gas is more or less under control, but every time I let one rip, I instantly look around just to make sure the Queen of England was not present and/or a witness to my horrifying bodily excretions.

I can see it now.  I fart. I turn around and there she is, the Queen.  Her monocle pops right off her eye in disgust and she exclaims, “Well, I never!” and then she has me locked in the Tower of London, which I am certain is a prison for people who have passed gas in the Queen’s presence.

  • Not Having Enough Money to Pay the Check at a Restaurant

I avoid restaurants for the sole fact that a restaurant is the one type of business that provides you the goods up front, then asks for payment after.

What if I thought I brought a proper form of payment with me but then I didn’t?  There I will be, having consumed a meal I can’t pay for and I know that I will be locked up in a Federal penitentiary or a CIA black site or some other such terrible place and worse, the media will report extensively about how I cheated an Applebee’s out of a chicken finger sampler.

On the rare occasion when I do go to a restaurant, I bring: a) a debit card, b) a credit card c) a second credit card d) cash e) a gold bar f) a friend who has certified to me via a notarized affidavit that he or she has on their person a debit card, two credit cards, cash and a gold bar in the event that my multiple forms of payment fail and g) a goat, cow, pig or other farm animal that I could barter and/or trade to the restaurant in exchange for the cost of my meal.

Keep in mind my earlier fear that murderers are trying to steal my drink glass and plant it at a crime scene in order to frame me, and restaurants are truly places that I avoid at all costs.

  • Pets

I like pets. I worry they are taking notes about us while we sleep and reporting all of our activities to the government.

Still, I do love my dog.  If you’re a dog lover but you’re as worried as I am that all pets are spies, do what I did and adopt an incompetent dog that can’t read or write.

  • Underwear

I prefer loose, free-flowing undies or absent that, just going commando as opposed to tight underwear.  Call me crazy, but I’ve crunched the numbers and have convinced myself that it is possible that tight underpants holding my testicles too close to my legs could cause said testicles to heat up to the point where they spontaneously combust, thus turning me into a eunuch.

Don’t even get me started on how much I worry about how terrible the life of a eunuch would be.

Do you worry about dumb things too, 3.5 readers? Share your totally ridiculous, entirely unfounded concerns in the comments!

 

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Aug 18 2016
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RIP John McLaughlin

Hey 3.5 readers.

John McLaughlin, host of the McLaughlin group, died this week at age 89, which surprises me greatly because I thought he was 89 like 30 years ago.

Is that relevant to this blog?  Well, this blog is more about pop culture than politics but to make it short and sweet, you wouldn’t have the many, many, perhaps too many talking head pundit shows that you have today without John McLaughlin.

He had a certain style about him.  Or should I say, “formula?”

The formula:

  • Announce the issue and the number he has assigned to it.  Give the issue a snappy title.
  • Address one of the panelists with a quirky nickname. (Journalist Fred Barnes became “Freddie the Beatle Barnes” for example.
  • Shout “wrong!” then move on to the next panelist.
  • After every panelist was done, he’d declare they were all wrong and explain how his take on the issue was the most accurate one.

Admittedly, he wasn’t that bad.  But when I was a kid, I was in love with Saturday Night Live.

I think every kid who is into humor falls in love with SNL at some point.

Back in those days it was Dana Carvey, Adam Sandler, Kevin Nealon, Mike Myers, Chris Rock, etc.

Anyway, I used to watch Dana Carvey do his masterful impressions of the first President Bush, H. Ross Perot, the Church Lady, etc.

And then I’d do my rendition of Dana’s impression.

One of the funniest impressions Dana did was of John McLaughlin.  I’d incorporate it around the house, telling various family members they were, “wrong!”

Was I a no-life having kid who was into things that kids should find boring?

Was it that this was pre-10 million channels plus streaming everything and I didn’t have cable and only had like 5 channels?

A little from column A. A little from Column B.

Anyway, here’s a clip from NBC of Dana doing his John McLaughlin impression.

Saddest part is that Chris Farley is dead (heart attack) and Phil Hartman is dead (shot by wife).

Sigh.

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Aug 17 2016
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Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio – Trapped in a Suck Rut

shutterstock_669906521World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m sucking all the suck out of the world in order to make it a suck-free place for a new generation of non-suckers.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my fine anti-suck books:

You’re Once, Twice, Three Times a Sucker

I Once Was Sucked But Now I’m Found

Get Outta My Life and Into My Suck

The No-Suck Zone

Suck Warriors, Come Out to Play (But Don’t Come Out to Suck)

Mad Suck: Beyond Suckterdome

I Can’t Fight This Sucky Feeling Anymore

One Sucky Day at a Time

Non-Suckadoon: My Dream of a Suck-Free Utopia

Get Your Sucky Hands Off Me, You Damn Dirty Sucker!

A Low Down Dirty Suck

3.5 readers, if you suck, I want to know about it.

In fact, here’s a message I received from one of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s readers just the other day.

Dear Vinny,

I have been a giant, economy sized suck bucket my entire life.

However, I recently started reading your anti-suck books and I immediately developed a desire to suck the suck right out of my life and join the world again as a productive, non-sucking member of society.

Alas, I just can’t find the motivation.  I have sucked since Hillary Clinton was basically the president the first go around. We all know Bill was her unwitting pawn.

That’s a long time to suck and I just can’t wrap my mind around the possibility that there’s a suck free existence out there waiting for me.

Even though I don’t want to suck anymore, I can’t stop sucking. Every morning, I wake up, fully intending to cease my sucky habits, but sure enough, by noon time, I’m sucking up a storm.

What should I do? I don’t want to suck anymore!

Sincerely,

Trapped in a Suck Rut

Wow Trapped. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. That really sucks.

And honestly, I understand. Rome wasn’t built in a day and one simply doesn’t stop sucking overnight either.

You’ve been a sucker for decades.  That’s a whole lot of suck to shake off.

I have three important words for you:

STOP…SUCKING…GRADUALLY!

I’m a very inspirational anti-suck advocate.  What can I say? It’s a gift.

But what happens is someone reads one of my anti-suck books and instantly they want to purge all the suckyness out of their system pronto.

Can’t be done.  Your body feeds off the suck now.  The suck is in your blood.

Thus, if you try to quit all your sucky activities all at once, you’ll be back to sucking in no time flat.  You’ll go into suck withdrawal and end up sucking far worse than you did before, you big dumb sucker you.

What you need to do is pick one sucky activity, drop that, and then once you feel like you no longer need to perform that sucky action anymore, you can move on to dropping the next sucky activity.

EXAMPLE:

I had a client once who:

Cheated on his wife by having sex with other men’s wives.

Cheated on his dog by petting other men’s dogs.

Cheated on his cat by petting every other cat in the neighborhood but his own cat.

Picked his nose at work and planted the boogers underneath his co-worker’s desk.

Tore tags off of his pillows and mattresses and set the tags on fire.

Spent all his free time writing Firefly fan fiction.

Posted his dumb opinions about the quality of his lunch on social media.

Farted in public with reckless abandon. Also posted about it on social media.

So, I was just all like, “Look, Client.  You need to pick one of these sucky behaviors and drop it today.”

And I’m proud to say he did.

My client no longer writes Firefly fan fiction.

He still does all of that other sucktastic nonsense, but he’s been Firefly fan fiction free for a hundred days and counting.

I think he might just kick the Firefly fan fiction habit entirely.

In fact, when he’s up to two hundred days, I’m going to suggest that he start flicking his boogers into a trash can.

He can do it and I’m confident by the end of next year, I’ll get him to stop talking about his lunch and/or farts on social media.

We’ll get him to be loyal to his wife, dog and cat by the end of the decade.

De-sucking yourself is a slow, gradual process, Trapped.

But think about it this way: you didn’t suck yourself overnight, so you certainly won’t fully de-suckify yourself overnight either.

Be patient. All good things come to those who wait to not suck.

And while you’re waiting to not suck, don’t forget to check out my anti-suck books, available now at a bookstore near you that doesn’t suck.

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Aug 17 2016
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East Randomtown News

Update on Harvey Smotchenbocker, East Randomtown’s Olympian

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Hey 3.5.

Bookshelf Q. Battler, Mayor of East Randomtown here.

Just an update on East Randomtonian Harvey Smotchenbocker, who is participating in the 10K Flatulence Competition at the Olympic Games in Rio.

Flatulence is one of the lesser known games but every gold medal counts.

Harvey has checked in. He is reporting that he is getting in some last minute training for his big day later this week.  Filling up on all sorts of gaseous foods.  I have nothing but faith in him.

Stay tuned for more updates.

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Aug 15 2016
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East Randomtown News

East Randomtown Olympian Harvey Smotchenbocker

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East Random Town’s Finest Athlete

Hey 3.5 readers.

For those of you who follow this monstrosity of a blog regularly (because, I don’t know, it was this or watching paint dry) you’re aware that among my many duties, I am currently the Acting Mayor of East Randomtown, due to the fact that our duly elected mayor was eaten by zombies last October.

The job is a real burden, let me tell you. Even so, I’m in the middle of a tough re-election battle with town bar fly Leo McKoy, who I’m fairly certain is a robot, because I saw him get eaten by zombies last October as well.  I don’t know how to explain his shocking return the town other than through robotics.

But I digress.

As mayor, it is up to me to promote our humble hamlet and give a pat on the back to our citizens whenever they do our town proud.

Not gonna lie. It doesn’t happen often. This town is a real stink burg.

But it has happened. East Randomtown insurance salesman Harvey Smotchenbocker is representing the United States of America in the 10K Flatulence Competition.

10K Flatulence is one of the lesser known Olympic events but it does have a long tradition dating back to the very first games when Arcadius the Flatulator climbed to the top of Mount Olympus and let one rip.

Contestants’ submissions are graded on size, length, pitch, tone, aroma, and methane content.

“I train every day with two burritos, a half-dozen chili dogs, and a 2-liter bottle of generic cola,” Harvey told the Bookshelf Battle Blog. “It’s the least I can do to make this great nation proud. USA! USA! USA!”

Keep your fingers crossed and your noses plugged for Harv, folks. He faces some ripe competition from:

Hirohito Takamotodashi – Japan’s most prolific flatulator. Rumored to have killed a man with his flatulence.

Ivan Rostikoff – The greatest flatulator to come out of Moscow. Caught up in the Russian doping scandal. Investigators claim he was injecting chili directly into his buttocks. This kind of doping is frowned upon in the world of competitive flatulence.

Sir Nigel Walstingshire – England’s premiere flatulator.  His greatest supporter is the Queen herself, who shows her support by attending his training sessions with a clothespin on her nose.

These flatulators are no slouches, 3.5 readers, so keep the Harvmeister in your prayers.  He’ll need to make a whole lot of brown to win that gold.

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Aug 13 2016
6 Comments
Movies

Top Ten 1980s Comedies

Popcorn

Hey…hey…hey….hey! Ooo uh ooo whoa…don’t you…forget to check out BQB’s list of the funniest flicks to come out during the 1980s.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, in no particular order:

#10 – Revenge of the Nerds (1984) – As one of the greatest Internet nerds today, I should know the history of the word “nerd.” I’m sure it is lengthy but any rate, this movie did more to introduce the concept of nerds into pop culture than anything else.  Disrespected for their glasses and computer prowess (which wasn’t much to write home about by today’s standards) Lewis and Gilbert (Robert Carradine and Anthony Edwards) gather their campus’ supply of nerds together to rebel against the jocks, who in typical 1980s bully fashion, love to wear their sweaters as capes by tying the sleeves around their necks then allowing the sweaters themselves to drape down over their backs.

Also, this movie had boobs.  I can’t even remember the last time I saw a boob in a movie. Travesty of justice, I say.

#9 – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986) – A high school ne’er-do-well (Matthew Broderick as Ferris) concocts an elaborate scheme to convince his parents that he is sick so he can skip school and take his hot girlfriend Sloane (Mia Sara) and uptight, perpetually worried best friend Cameron (Alan Ruck) on a fun trip to Chicago.

Along the way, Ferris manages to stay one step ahead of bumbling principal Ed Rooney (Jeffrey Jones) and the audience laughs their asses off as a dedicated public servant is put through one harrowing ordeal after another as he attempts to catch a student in the act of truancy, or in other words, his damn job.

Memorable line – “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.”  Damn, if that isn’t the truth. In fact, I remember being a little boy in the video store watching this movie play on the display TV as if it were yesterday. Umm, kids, a video store was…oh forget it.

#8 – Coming to America (1988) – Under pressure from his father (James Earl Jones as Jaffe Joffer, King of Fictional African Country Zamunda), Prince Akeem (Eddie Murphy) flees with his trusty manservant Semmi (Arsenio Hall) for Queens, New York in search of, well, his bride, who will one day be the Queen.  This movie is a fun meditation on figuring out what you are looking for in a mate and how money and power can ruin things.  After all, there are plenty of women who would like to marry a prince, but Akeem poses as being dirt poor just to find a woman who will love him for who he is inside. Plus, holy shit. This movie was outright hilarious and still is.  Eddie is the master of playing multiple characters in a movie.

#7 – Weird Science (1985) – Dejected and lonely, big time nerds Gary (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith) use their computers skills to create Lisa (Kelly Le Brock) aka the woman of their dreams. Lisa teaches the lads how to develop the manly confidence they need to stand up to bullies Ian (Robert Downey Jr. long before he became Iron Man) and Max (Robert Rusler) not to mention Wyatt’s mean, pain in the ass older brother Chet (Bill Paxton.)  Besides inspiring to spend many years of my life trying to create a hot babe with my computer to no avail, I remember this film for cementing the phrase “squeeze the cheese” as a euphemism for pooping into pop culture.  Good show.

#6 – National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983) – Family vacations gone awry. Who’s never experienced that before? Try as you might, something inevitably goes wrong. Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) is the dopey dad/dedicated family man obsessed with planning the perfect family getaway to Walley World.  Alas, one problem after the next gets in his way.  Even so, nothing will stop Clark from showing the Griswold clan (Beverly D’Angelo as wife Ellen, Anthony Michael Hall (damn that kid got a lot of work in the 1980s) as Rusty and Dana Barron as Audrey) a good time.

This film inspired a franchise that gave us hits European Vacation and the ever quotable holiday classic Christmas Vacation (I watch this every year).  Admittedly, they probably could have stopped at Vegas Vacation. Then again, Clark didn’t stop when Walley World was closed, did he?

#5 – Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) – Before Sean Penn became a self-declared, self-righteous world traveling wannabe diplomat, he was Jeff Spicoli, the California dude who defied crotchety teacher Mr. Hand (Ray Walston) by having a pizza delivered directly to class.  Relive your minimum wage slave days as Brad (Judge Reinhold) is forced to don a tacky pirate costume to work at a seafood restaurant. And come on, you’ll always remember the first time you spotted Linda (Phoebe Cates) emerging from that pool.  Phoebe was highly underutilized by Hollywood, if you ask me. Gremlins. Drop Dead Fred.  Then alas, she kind of just disappeared.  Meanwhile Judge Reinhold continues to get steady work. Oh, the irony!

#4 – Caddyshack (1980) – Rodney Dangerfeld’s classic line was true. He got no respect. No respect at all.  In fact, he worked steadily as an entertainer his entire life only to find fame in his sixties. Oh well. Better late than never.  In this film, Rodney plays nouveau riche boor Al Czervik whose uncouth ways turn a high falutin’ country club up on its ear.  Club member Judge Smails (Ted Knight, who cornered the market on playing rich snobby douches in 1970s and 80s movies) wouldn’t stand for it. Al and the Judge square off to hilarious results, as groundskeeper Carl Spackler attempts to explode an unruly gopher.

#3 – Back to School – The 1980s really were Rodney’s decade as he had another hit, Back to School. Again, he plays a self-made man who clashes with folks who were born into wealth. This time around, Rodney is millionaire Thornton Mellon, who decides to cramp the style of his son, Jason (Keith Gordon) by attending college with him.  Thornton enjoys the social part of college, throwing wild, out of control parties. Yet, he uses his wealth to contract out his homework to hilarious results (he hires author Kurt Vonnegut to write about paper about himself.)  Eventually, Thornton realizes the error of his ways and decides that the point of college is to cram the knowledge into his own brain.  Funny cameo by Sam Kinison who relays tales of his Vietnam veteran experience to the class in a loud, hilarious way.  “Oh, oh, OH!!!”

#2 – Ghostbusters (1984) – “Who you gonna call?” The likes of this film had never been seen before at the time.  Action. Comedy. Horror. Special effects. All rolled up into a tight package. Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson as New York City’s premiere squad of professional paranormal investigators and eliminators. They weren’t afraid of no ghost and really, the movie’s greatest villain was the government as EPA agent Walter Peck (William Atherton) shuts down the team’s ghost containment unit. (“Is this true? Yes this is true. This man has no dick.”)  In Walter’s defense though, the Ghostbusters did rely heavily on the use of nuclear technology in their projects and there never was an explanation of how they got their hands on them.

# 1 – Airplane (1980) – “Surely, you can’t be serious? I am and don’t call me Shirley.”  Oh Airplane. Oh Zucker brothers. Jokes for the sake of jokes, plot and and likelihood be damned.  People are so uptight now. They don’t just laugh anymore. There always has to be some explanation for everything.  No one can just look at an inflatable autopilot smiling as if it were getting a blowjob with the humor it deserves. Everyone would want to know how the autopilot was able to smile.  Former air force pilot Ted Striker (Robert Hays) must overcome his past to land a commercial jetliner when the crew falls ill with food poisoning. Along the way, he rekindles the romance he once had with stewardess Elaine (the epically sweet voiced Julie Hagerty.)

I’ll watch this movie whenever it is on but I don’t know if we’ll ever see another one just like it. Zaniness is no longer appreciated. Jonathan Banks (known today as Mike in Breaking Bad) being asked to “check the radar range” only to open a microwave door to reveal an undercooked  turkey and give a reply of “About two more minutes chief” just won’t fly anymore. People have become too literal. Everyone would want to know why he checked on a turkey.  Sigh. People aren’t funny anymore.

The film also breathed new life into the career of Leslie Nielsen, who had once been a serious thespian, only to spend his old age playing buffoons such as Frank Dreben in Police Squad. (FYI The Naked Gun) could have easily joined this list along with many other comedies.

What 1980s comedy movie did I miss, 3.5 readers? Discuss in the comments.

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Aug 12 2016
4 Comments
Tomfoolery

Rejected Olympic Games

  • 10K Pizza Face Stuff – I’d be a gold medalist and then go pro. No steroids needed.
  • The Middle Finger Point – Offend random audience members with a middle finger.
  • Mrs. Doubtfire Dash – Contestants dress like elderly women.  Whoever convinces dumb children that she is their nanny takes home the gold…also, gets arrested and deservedly so, freaks.
  • The Bell Biv Devoe-off – Know that song “Poison?”  Of course you don’t. Millennials are the worst. So it ends with, “That girl is poi-son…uh ah uh ah uh ah….whoever holds the “ah” the longest…GOLD!
  • The Nap Off – Whoever sleeps the longest.
  • The Gas Off – Self-explanatory. Judges rate expulsions from 1 to 10 based on sound, pitch, length of time, and aroma.
  • Yodeling – The Swiss would nail this.
  • Yodel Eating – I would nail this.
  • The Blog Off – Contestants create a blog. First one to attract the attention of 3.5 readers wins.
  • Cat Juggling – juggling….of cats!
  • Extreme Wedgie-ing – First to pull the opponent’s underpants over his/her head and/or possibly use said undies as a slingshot to launch the opponent to the moon wins…the gold!
  • Rubber Band Ball Making – he with the biggest balls wins (in the games and in life).
  • Paper Air Plane Construction/Flight – Separate competitions for best plane and longest flight.
  • Beer Pong – there isn’t enough beer in the Olympics.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Which rejected Olympic Games would you like to compete in?

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Aug 12 2016
2 Comments
Search Engine Optimized Poetry

Search Engine Optimized Poet – What is the Meaning of Life?

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the Googler’s feets, ya dig?

Life! Whoa, life!

Why oh why am I here?

Oh how many nights I have spent,

Trying to find the answer in a beer?up-korora-beatnik-800px

Cheer…for those who know what they are meant for.

Jeer…at those who sleep through life and snore.

Bore.  I don’t want to be an SEO poet anymore.

I want to spread my wings and soar.

My existence should not be such an arduous chore.

But seriously, what is all of this for?

Am I here to play Pokemon Go?

Surely the answer is “no.”

Am I here to watch reality TV?

Surely there must be something better to see.

Drat. I need to pee.

Pouring out existential wisdom and also spent Diet Shasta Orange  into the porcelain throne.

“What is my purpose?!” is the query that I moan.

If you run a dream bank, I’d like to take out a loan.

But alas, that statement I must edit.

For I have run out of credit.

Irony, thy name is life!

For by the time I have figured out thee,

One thing will be for certain…

…you will be done with me.

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Aug 02 2016
4 Comments
Things That Really Frost My Ass

Things that Really Frost My Ass – Uncle Hardass for President

By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent

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In Hardass We Trust

Hello degenerate 3.5 readers.

Still working on your writing careers, I see.  Insert joke about how you’re all lazy bastards who need to quit writing and get jobs at the salt mines here.

So the presidential election is in full swing and for awhile I thought I might dip a toe into the old wading pool of muck that this contest has become.

Then I said to myself, “No Hardassimo.  You’re no spring chicken anymore. The kids want to see fresh faces with new ideas, not some wrinkled up old has been who has lost all hope after year after year of being put down by the man.”

But then I saw who you people are interested in.   Donald Trump?  Hillary Clinton? Bernie Sanders?

Holy shit.  Is this an election or a cocktail party at the Golden Girls condo?

Somebody hit the music. “Thank you for being a friend. Travel round the road and back again….”

Oh sorry. My incompetent nephew Bookshelf Q. Battler informs me that if I sing any more of that song I’ll owe Betty White a hundo.

Anyway, seeing as how Methuselah-esque politicians are in style this year, allow me to announce my candidacy right here on a blog with 3.5 readers, which might make you laugh, but keep in mind that most news website proprietors would sell their kidneys to black market organ traffickers just to get 2.5 readers.

The following is a brief synopsis of my platform.  You can like it or leave it, I really don’t give a crap.  In fact, you should leave it because you won’t understand any of it because you’re all so stupid.

EDUCATION

That’s right. I said it. You’re all incredibly stupid.

Don’t blame yourselves.  The public school system has failed you.

You know the Japanese kids get up at 3 a.m., go for a 50 mile jog, practice martial arts and break boards in half with their fists, feet and faces, study math, science, languages, quantum physics and so on and so forth until 2 a.m. the next day. Then they sleep for one hour and do it all over again.

Enough with the “high school is the best time of our lives” bullshit. Listen, if high school was the best time of your life, then you’re a loser.

No one likes high school.  High school memories only become moderately interesting when you’re seventy-five years old and suddenly you’d gladly give your entire nut sack away just to be that young kid getting pelted in the back of the head with spitballs all day instead of a decrepit old bastard who has to get up five thousand times a night to pee.

In short, my education system is simple. Beat the Japanese.

Oh, and get a job between 2 and 3 a.m. you lazy bastards. You can sleep when you die.

WORLD PEACE

My plan here is two-fold.

First, all of the poor, shitty countries need a one-hundred percent increase in pornographic access.

Look, I’m sorry, but all of these people are blowing themselves up out of frustration.

Get them some Internet.  Get them set up with some movies of some broads with gigantic knockers and you’ll see a 9,000 percent decrease in people being violent because they’ll all be too busy pounding the old flounder.

Why no one else has thought of this I don’t know but few will ever be as smart as I am.

Second, everyone needs to get jobs.  When you have jobs, you have money coming in and therefore you don’t want to do shit that will stop the money from coming in (like blow yourself up for example.)

Moreover, when you have a job, you just don’t have enough time to worry about petty bullshit that makes you hate people enough to want to blow them up.  “That guy doesn’t believe in the same god as I do.  That guy doesn’t read the same holy book as I do…who gives a shit? I have to go to work tomorrow so I can get my ass paid, son.”

Porn.  Jobs.  Spread both around the world and pretty soon everyone will be joining their sticky hands together to sing a chorus of “kumbaya.”

THE ECONOMY

You. Right there. The dumb ass reading this.

My plan for you is simple.

Get a job!

What? You can’t find a job?

Get any job!

What? You can’t find anything?

Really?  Have you tried:

  • Volunteering and/or developing the skills necessary to turn yourself from a useless sack of crap into a productive member of society? As President, I will be opening a “Useless Sack of Crap Reeducation Center” in every state where you can go to learn how to not be a useless sack of crap.
  • Have you sold your hair, teeth, and superfluous body parts? All will be considered currency under my regime.
  • Have you sold your bodily orifices to complete strangers for pennies on the dollar? Prostitution will be legalized under my administration.  Our criminal justice system is much too clogged as it is without having to worry about prosecuting women just for trying to make you holla for a dolla.
  • Finally, and here’s the most important part.  Get a job…AND…feel like a total dumbass until you secure the aforementioned job.  Once you do have a job, you will join the ranks of the self-righteous and enjoy the tremendous feeling of chewing out useless layabouts who do not have jobs.

TRADE

When engaging in business deals with other nations, the two most important questions are, “Do you want this shit?” and “How much you got?”

The key, you see, is to find the countries that will a) want our shit and b) pay as much as or as close to the amount they got as possible.

By the way, I recently heard some news about child labor that is very disturbing.

We don’t have it here in America and I am very disturbed by that.

Seriously.  You park your kids’ dumb asses in front of the TV for 18 years then wonder why they grow up to become self-absorbed douchebags who start shooting up the joint the first time someone tells them “no?”

I had my first job thirty seconds out of the womb and the only thing I am ashamed of is that it took me that long.

Put the kids to work assembling smart phones for ten cents an hour while some schmuck beats a drum to make sure they go at a steady pace.  I’m telling you, they will grow up to become very productive, high performing, well adjusted adults like yours truly.

CRIME

Stop stealing shit and get a job. Professional stealer of shit is one of few jobs that will be deemed unacceptable.

 

CONCLUSIONS

These are the broad strokes of my platform thus far and I’ll be revising as the campaign moves forward.

If you forget this column, at least remember:

  • I’m running for president so vote for me, dumb ass.
  • Get a job.
  • Seriously, quit your futile attempts at becoming a writer and get jobs, preferably at the salt mines, so that your parents can be proud of you for once.

Paid for by the Committee to Elect Uncle Hardass

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