By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent
In Hardass We Trust
Hello degenerate 3.5 readers.
Still working on your writing careers, I see. Insert joke about how you’re all lazy bastards who need to quit writing and get jobs at the salt mines here.
So the presidential election is in full swing and for awhile I thought I might dip a toe into the old wading pool of muck that this contest has become.
Then I said to myself, “No Hardassimo. You’re no spring chicken anymore. The kids want to see fresh faces with new ideas, not some wrinkled up old has been who has lost all hope after year after year of being put down by the man.”
But then I saw who you people are interested in. Donald Trump? Hillary Clinton? Bernie Sanders?
Holy shit. Is this an election or a cocktail party at the Golden Girls condo?
Somebody hit the music. “Thank you for being a friend. Travel round the road and back again….”
Oh sorry. My incompetent nephew Bookshelf Q. Battler informs me that if I sing any more of that song I’ll owe Betty White a hundo.
Anyway, seeing as how Methuselah-esque politicians are in style this year, allow me to announce my candidacy right here on a blog with 3.5 readers, which might make you laugh, but keep in mind that most news website proprietors would sell their kidneys to black market organ traffickers just to get 2.5 readers.
The following is a brief synopsis of my platform. You can like it or leave it, I really don’t give a crap. In fact, you should leave it because you won’t understand any of it because you’re all so stupid.
EDUCATION
That’s right. I said it. You’re all incredibly stupid.
Don’t blame yourselves. The public school system has failed you.
You know the Japanese kids get up at 3 a.m., go for a 50 mile jog, practice martial arts and break boards in half with their fists, feet and faces, study math, science, languages, quantum physics and so on and so forth until 2 a.m. the next day. Then they sleep for one hour and do it all over again.
Enough with the “high school is the best time of our lives” bullshit. Listen, if high school was the best time of your life, then you’re a loser.
No one likes high school. High school memories only become moderately interesting when you’re seventy-five years old and suddenly you’d gladly give your entire nut sack away just to be that young kid getting pelted in the back of the head with spitballs all day instead of a decrepit old bastard who has to get up five thousand times a night to pee.
In short, my education system is simple. Beat the Japanese.
Oh, and get a job between 2 and 3 a.m. you lazy bastards. You can sleep when you die.
WORLD PEACE
My plan here is two-fold.
First, all of the poor, shitty countries need a one-hundred percent increase in pornographic access.
Look, I’m sorry, but all of these people are blowing themselves up out of frustration.
Get them some Internet. Get them set up with some movies of some broads with gigantic knockers and you’ll see a 9,000 percent decrease in people being violent because they’ll all be too busy pounding the old flounder.
Why no one else has thought of this I don’t know but few will ever be as smart as I am.
Second, everyone needs to get jobs. When you have jobs, you have money coming in and therefore you don’t want to do shit that will stop the money from coming in (like blow yourself up for example.)
Moreover, when you have a job, you just don’t have enough time to worry about petty bullshit that makes you hate people enough to want to blow them up. “That guy doesn’t believe in the same god as I do. That guy doesn’t read the same holy book as I do…who gives a shit? I have to go to work tomorrow so I can get my ass paid, son.”
Porn. Jobs. Spread both around the world and pretty soon everyone will be joining their sticky hands together to sing a chorus of “kumbaya.”
THE ECONOMY
You. Right there. The dumb ass reading this.
My plan for you is simple.
Get a job!
What? You can’t find a job?
Get any job!
What? You can’t find anything?
Really? Have you tried:
- Volunteering and/or developing the skills necessary to turn yourself from a useless sack of crap into a productive member of society? As President, I will be opening a “Useless Sack of Crap Reeducation Center” in every state where you can go to learn how to not be a useless sack of crap.
- Have you sold your hair, teeth, and superfluous body parts? All will be considered currency under my regime.
- Have you sold your bodily orifices to complete strangers for pennies on the dollar? Prostitution will be legalized under my administration. Our criminal justice system is much too clogged as it is without having to worry about prosecuting women just for trying to make you holla for a dolla.
- Finally, and here’s the most important part. Get a job…AND…feel like a total dumbass until you secure the aforementioned job. Once you do have a job, you will join the ranks of the self-righteous and enjoy the tremendous feeling of chewing out useless layabouts who do not have jobs.
TRADE
When engaging in business deals with other nations, the two most important questions are, “Do you want this shit?” and “How much you got?”
The key, you see, is to find the countries that will a) want our shit and b) pay as much as or as close to the amount they got as possible.
By the way, I recently heard some news about child labor that is very disturbing.
We don’t have it here in America and I am very disturbed by that.
Seriously. You park your kids’ dumb asses in front of the TV for 18 years then wonder why they grow up to become self-absorbed douchebags who start shooting up the joint the first time someone tells them “no?”
I had my first job thirty seconds out of the womb and the only thing I am ashamed of is that it took me that long.
Put the kids to work assembling smart phones for ten cents an hour while some schmuck beats a drum to make sure they go at a steady pace. I’m telling you, they will grow up to become very productive, high performing, well adjusted adults like yours truly.
CRIME
Stop stealing shit and get a job. Professional stealer of shit is one of few jobs that will be deemed unacceptable.
CONCLUSIONS
These are the broad strokes of my platform thus far and I’ll be revising as the campaign moves forward.
If you forget this column, at least remember:
- I’m running for president so vote for me, dumb ass.
- Get a job.
- Seriously, quit your futile attempts at becoming a writer and get jobs, preferably at the salt mines, so that your parents can be proud of you for once.
Paid for by the Committee to Elect Uncle Hardass
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