Tag Archives: love

Apr 10 2016
14 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Shirtless Alpha Male in a Romance Novel

Romance novels.

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For Christ’s Sake, put a shirt on Chad.

Not only are they the fuel that keeps the fires of many a female reader burning, they keep the wheels of the publishing industry turning as well.

Ladies of all ages like a good story about a woman swept off her feet by the perfect man.

Said perfect man usually defined as being a) long haired b) muscular and c) shirtless.

It’s ok ladies.  I won’t point out that your love of these novels is more or less the equivalent of your boyfriend scoping out risqué sites on the Interwebs.

And romance authors, though I’ll never read them, keep churning them out as the more people who are reading anything, the longer the publishing industry stays afloat.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Shirtless Alpha Male in a Romance Novel:

10.  Always shirtless so as to show off his rock hard abs and other assorted muscles.  No matter the occasion.  Working out?  Shirtless.  Doing yard work?  Shirtless.  Trip to the store?  Shirtless.  Attending a state dinner with the Queen of England?  Shirtless.  Hell, the Queen probably digs that shit.

9.  Has a douchey name.  Examples include: Brodie, Body, Cody.  Chad, Brad, or Tad.  Lance. Guy. Trent. Blake. Basically, if you hear the guy’s name and can picture him as a blonde haired bully in a 1980’s movie with the arms of a fancy sweater tied around his neck while hassling Anthony Michael Hall then you know he’s got a douchey name.

8.  Has long, flawless locks of hair and wherever he is or whatever he is doing, they’re always blowing in the wind.  Even when there is no wind.  Put him on the Moon and his damn hair will still blow around.

7.  Ladies, let’s face it.  Whenever he bosses you around, you look up to him as a strong, take charge kind of guy.  Whip a pair of glasses on him and an extra thirty pounds and you’d bust out the pepper spray the instant he asks where his dinner is.

6.  Has tons of money but exhibits no visible signs of employment.  He’s just one of those miracle dudes who has tons of money to spend on his lady but still has plenty of time to keep those abs up.  Also, his muscles are always greased up, as if there’s always an assistant with a bucket of lotion following him around.

5.  Speaking of, you’re tired of being held up to the Barbie doll standard, but you also believe every man who doesn’t look like a shirtless alpha male is a loser.

4.  Rides a motorcycle.  Everywhere.  Except when he’s not riding a damn horse.  And if you try to tell him what to do, he’s going to ride that motorcycle or horse in the sunset, baby.

3.  You’re pretty sure you can change him into a nicer person through the awesome power of your vagina.  But let’s face it, if he were to become nicer, he wouldn’t be an badass shirtless alpha male anymore.  He might even start covering up with a collection of those polo shirts with the little alligator on the pocket, denying the world the sight of his muscles.

2.  Wherever he is, there’s inevitably a pile of wood he can chop in a gratuitous display of his manly muscles.  In a logging camp?  There’s a pile of wood.  In a forest? There’s a pile of wood.  On a beach?  Wood. In a desert? Wood.  Stop making jokes about wood.

  1.  Yup.  Nerdy men hate him about as much as nerdy women hate those supermodel chicks.  Maybe all the nerdy men and women of the world should just get together and read some comic books while all the good looking people of the world do it on beaches with the wind blowing through their hair.
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Apr 08 2016
11 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say to You if She Were a Pirate

Ahoy mateys.

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Yup.  There’s a joke about pirate booty to made here.

Last September, a band of pirates took over bookshelfbattle.com in celebration of National Pirate Week.

They taught you all how to talk like a pirate…but you didn’t learn how to speak like a she-pirate.

If your girlfriend were a pirate, here is the English to Pirate translation of things she might say to you…er, “to ye.”

10.  ENGLISH: Honey, I wish you’d help out around the house more.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  Avast ye stinking bilge rat!  Batten down the hatches, trim the mainsail and swab the poop deck or it’s the cat of nine tails for ye.

9.  ENGLISH:  I’m in the mood for nookie. 

PIRATE TRANSLATION: ARRR ye filthy landlubber!  Raise the misen mast fer it be time to keel haul across the starboard bow.

8.  ENGLISH: I am not happy with you right now.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  ARRRR!  Avast ye scurvy dog!  Listen and listen well, fer another trespass will earn ye a trip to walk the plank, where you’ll end up in the briney deep, trapped in Davey Jones’ locker for the rest of ye miserable days.

7.  ENGLISH:  I love you.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  Arrr.

6. ENGLISH:  I am mad at you.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  Arrr!

5.  ENGLISH:  I’m confused.

PIRATE TRANSLATION: Arrr?

4.  ENGLISH: Let’s go on a vacation.

PIRATE TRANSLATION: Point yon vessel toward the third star and journey into the rotten bowels of our miserable mistress, the sea.

3.  ENGLISH: Let’s get a drink.  I know a trendy new martini bar.

PIRATE TRANSLATION: Hoist ye grog matey and fill yer hole with this nasty brew.

2.  ENGLISH:  I’m worried about our finances.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  ARRRR!  Pillage yon village, matey!  Abscond with all the gold ye can carry and bury it where X marks the spot.

  1. ENGLISH:  I want to see other people.  It’s not you.  It’s me.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  There isn’t a literal pirate translation for this one.  She would just run a sword through your belly, matey.  Arr.

 

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Apr 07 2016
6 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Doomsday Prepper

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Your girlfriend will kick so much undead ass during the zombie apocalypse.

She thinks it’s the end of the world as we know it…but do you feel fine? 

Alas, to all good things must come an end.  Just as the dinosaurs were wiped out when they plugged in their curling irons all at once, so too may humanity cease to be one day.

But probably not while we’re alive.  It’s those future suckers who’ve got problems.

Or is the end closer than we think?  Your girlfriend sure seems to think so.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Doomsday Prepper:

10.   Attempted to get you to drink your own urine to, and I quote, “get you used to the robust flavor.” Not only did you hurt her feelings with your emphatic refusal, you’re also not able to look at lemonade the same way ever again.

9.  Refers to The Walking Dead and Mad Max as “training videos.”

8.  Every piece of clothing in her closet is camouflage.  In fact, if you were to wear camouflage and then stand in front of all of her camouflage clothes, you’d disappear.  Trippy.

7.  Her basement is filled with enough tin cans to give a hungry billy goat an orgasm.  (Get it?  Because doomsday preppers store canned food and billy goats like to eat tin cans and…oh.  I guess the cans have to be empty for a goat to want to chew on it.  You know what?  Forget it. When it needs to be explained, it isn’t funny.  Moving on…)

6.  She has more guns than your local run of the mill street gang…and she knows how to use ’em.

5.  She packed his and her bug out bags filled with survival gear to grab in a hurry when the zombies, aliens, machines, invading troops, catastrophic weather event, nuclear meltdown or other to be named tragedy unfolds, causing a need to “bug out” the door in a hurry.  Feel loved, my friend, because that means there’s no one else she’d rather spend the apocalypse with than you.

4.  Forget diamonds.  All she wants for Valentine’s Day is a gas mask.

3.  From hang nails to a steak dinner, she does all of her cutting with the same machete.

2.  Claims an ability to patch up wounds with bat guano (in case you were wondering why she keeps feeding ex-lax to that bat.)

  1.  Built an underground bunker.  Connected a hot tub, disco lights, and a recording of Barry White to a gas powered generator because hey, the world may have come to an end, but the romance is just beginning.
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Apr 07 2016
6 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist

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“Hey baby, wanna crinkle my foil?”

He seemed like such a sweet guy when you met him.  Alas, it wasn’t until after you fell for him that he started checking your purse for radio transmitters.

Ladies, is your man living in constant fear of “The Man?”

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist:

10.  He owns a vast selection of tin foil hats, which he maintains prevent the government and/or aliens from reading his mind.  You’re not able to stop him from wearing his tin foil baseball cap out in public, but he’s not unreasonable.  He has agreed to stop wearing it backwards once he turns thirty.

9.  It isn’t easy to take him to a dinner party.  Your friends want to talk about movies, music and gossip.  He wants to talk about how Hitler and Bigfoot worked together on the JFK assassination and that this would be common knowledge were it not for the fact that the news media is controlled by a race of worm people disguised as human journalists.

8.  You can’t park your car in the garage.  He has it filled with a set made up to look like the Moon in an effort to prove that the Moon landing was a fake.

7.  Never takes you anywhere nice anymore.  Too busy writing a blog filled with nonsense for the benefit of 3.5 readers.  (I know what you are thinking but BQB is not a conspiracy theorist.  His tales about aliens, yetis and the zombie attack on East Randomtown are entirely true.)

6.  Once in awhile he pokes you in the shoulder for no reason other than to make sure you aren’t a hologram.  The Man, as he will explain, has been known to infiltrate the operations of those who are onto him by enlisting the aid of hologram girlfriends.

5.  Never goes to the doctor.  Convinced all doctors are trying to put a spy camera in his butt.

4.  All dates need to start an hour early so he can sweep your car for bugs, listening devices, and crumbs.  The first two are signs of lunacy.  The last one?  Well, that’s really your fault, you slob.  Stop eating donuts in the car.

3.  You’d ask him how his day was, but it is getting harder and harder not to dump him every time he swears that he is “so close” to proving that Elvis didn’t die but rather left to rule over a benevolent race of half-man/half-lizards who will one day land on Earth and show us the path toward inner peace.  So, you know, he’s not all doom and gloom.

2.  Bonus:  It’s easy to get him to do chores around the house.  Just point out to him that the government might think something is up if they see him just lying around doing nothing and that he’d better start taking out the trash and washing some windows to trick the Feds into thinking everything’s hunky dory.

  1.  Saves your toe nail clippings in the hopes of cloning you when the aliens take you away to toil in their intergalactic mines.  Is this psychotic or sweet?  You be the judge.  They’re your toe nail clippings, after all.
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Apr 06 2016
16 Comments
top ten lists

I Don’t Want to Be Sexist

Ladies, what are you worried your boyfriend might be?

I think I have the possibility that your boyfriend might a zombie covered but other than that, let me know what else you think your man might be.

Maybe I’ll just give everything up and keep writing top ten lists.  The top ten lists seem to have me on my way to gaining another 3.5 readers.  Seven readers – hooray!

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Apr 06 2016
5 Comments
Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 68

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“There’s something else I’m forgetting to tell you,” Miles said. “I’m sure of it.”

Gunther stood up and stretched his arms out. “Couldn’t have been that important.”

Miss Bonnie walked around the table and kissed the boy on the forehead. “You were very brave.”

Gunther seconded that sentiment with a slap on Miles shoulder. “I didn’t know your Pa long but from what I gathered he was a good man. He’d be proud of you.”

Slade…well. He was Slade. “Good job, kid.”

The redhead walked on to look out the window. Slade noticed his near catatonic bride was sitting in a pew with her knees tucked up under her chin. It pained him not to go to her, but he felt a compulsion to see Miss Bonnie instead.

He waited a moment or two until everyone else was busy, then sauntered up beside her.

Together, Slade and Miss Bonnie watched as zombies wandered around aimlessly in the road. Eventually, they struck up a conversation, being careful to speak softly the entire time.

“I’m glad you’re alive,” Slade said.

Miss Bonnie looked at Slade for a second, then turned back to the zombies. “You too.”

“I looked for you,” Slade said.

“Not for long I reckon,” Miss Bonnie said.

“The place was blown to bits,” Slade said. “Goddamn dead people on fire were trying to eat me…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Miss Bonnie said. “You had to get back to your wife.”

Silence.

“Congratulations,” Miss Bonnie added.

“It didn’t happen,” Slade said.

Miss Bonnie gawked at Slade. “What?”

“Jack and his boys busted the whole thing up,” Slade said. “There was a gunfight…they turned into zombies…”

“Jesus,” Miss Bonnie said.

Slade reached down and grabbed Miss Bonnie’s hand. “Maybe all of this means that you and I should…”

Miss Bonnie wrenched her hand free. “You horse’s ass!”

Slade didn’t have to ask “What?” His dumbfounded face did it for him.

“You were too yellow to tell Sarah about us before when everything was fine but you want to break her heart now that there’s a bunch of dead people trying to eat us alive?” Miss Bonnie asked.

“I…but you said you wouldn’t even if I asked you,” Slade said. “And I asked you…”

“And I still won’t, ya’ big dummy,” Miss Bonnie said. She glanced quickly at Sarah, who was too busy in her own sorrow to notice anything. “Get your ass back over there and comfort her!”

“But…”

“Nothing’s changed,” Miss Bonnie said. “Now scoot.”

“Women,” Slade muttered. He stopped by the table again. Doc was in a cold sweat. Annabelle was gently massaging his temples.

The Reverend was boozing it up and Miles was still trying to refresh his own memory.

“I told you how to kill vampires?” Miles asked.

“Yup,” Gunther replied.

“Werewolves?”

“Yup.”

“Zombies?”

“Yup.”

“Huh,” Miles said. “What was it?”

“Don’t hurt yourself son,” Gunther said. “It’ll come to you.”

Slade walked on. He passed by Townsend, who was holding a private vigil over Blake’s head and technically the rest of his body as well, even though it was still pinned underneath a werewolf corpse.

“You two were close?” Slade asked.

“Yeah,” Townsend said. “Best pals since we were kids.”

“Sorry,” Slade said.

“I remember the first time we played stickball…”

Townsend told the story for an entire minute before realizing that Slade had already walked away.

Slade was Slade.

The ex-marshall took a seat in the pew next to Sarah. He put an arm around his bride. She held her groom close, burying the side of her face up against his chest.

Together they sat for awhile until finally, Sarah spoke.

“You must think me very foolish.”

“No,” Slade said.

“I’m simply not made to handle something like this,” Sarah said.

“I don’t know anyone was made to handle something like this,” Slade said.

Thump! Everyone turned as Miles slapped his hand on the table.

“Now I remember!” the boy said as he stood up. “Don’t let a zombie bite….”

“ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!”

Now everyone’s attention was on Townsend, who was screaming out in pain.

Miles gulped.

“…you.”

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Apr 06 2016
4 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Gold Digger

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Does your girlfriend take your money when you are in need?

Is she a triflin’ friend indeed?

In that case, whether or not you’re Jamie Foxx (as featured in Kanye West’s song Gold Digger) you might want to consult this expert list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Gold Digger:

10.  You actually have some gold to dig.  If your ass is broke, then believe it or not, she might actually just like you for your personality.  Who knew?  I sure 9didn’t.  I always thought you were a schmuck.

9.  Uses you like her own personal ATM.  If you’re asleep, she just picks you up, turns you upside down, and shakes you until all the loot falls out of your pockets.

8.  Has a long laundry list of reasons why she can’t get a job.  None of those problems ever interfere with her partying.

7.  Her hands are always in your pants…until she finds your wallet and then they’re gone.

6.  All of your credit cards are maxed out.  Your bank accounts are drained.  Creditors are banging down your door.  You came home fully intent on putting your foot down on her cutting back but then she pouted…so you found a high interest loan from your friendly neighborhood loan shark.  Soon, your kneecaps will be as busted as your credit score,  but at least she’ll have seventeen pairs of high-heel boots in a variety of colors.

5.  You tried to explain the concept of a coupon to her once.  Gave up when a demonstration involving sock puppets (your left hand was the cashier and your right was the customer with the coupon) failed.

4.  Talks you into taking her on exotic vacations often.  Her social media feeds are full of pictures of her wearing one of those damn straw cowgirl hats shouting “Wooo!” with a red plastic cup in her hand.  Your social media feed is just a bunch of pictures of you passed out on the hotel floor whilst clutching your heart and holding the bill.

3.  Victoria’s Secret.  Dolce and Gabbanna.  Louis Vouitton.  Every month your credit company calls you and asks, “Sir, did we accidentally send you Jennifer Lopez’ bill by mistake?  Because our records indicate you are an ugly overweight middle aged man…”  (Why are you using a credit card company that keeps such detailed records?)

2.  Whenever she says “I just want to look good for you baby” she gets a whole new wardrobe.

  1.  Tennis.  Weights.  Yoga.  You’ve been paying for some kind of personal trainer for her for years but to date, you’ve never seen her swing a racquet, lift a barbell, or strike a downward dog pose.  (There’s a joke in here somewhere about how the yoga instructor is the only one seeing the downward dog but…yeah…never mind. You’ve been through too much already buddy.)

 

 

 

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Apr 05 2016
3 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady

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Video Game Rack Fighter Cat – Official Pet of BQB’s Better-Half

Pets.  They bring joy to our lives and only ask for food, water and the ability to poop and barf all over our rugs, furniture and priceless possessions in return because they are dirty disgusting little bastards.

Hey, no one threw you out that one time you pooped on the sofa (you know you did it) so you can give your furry friend a break for the occasional accident, right?

But what if it is two furry friends?  Or three furry friends?  Or fifty-eight furry friends?!

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady:

10:  Wherever she goes and whatever she set out to do, she never fails to come home with an extra cat.  Trip to the store for milk?  New cat.  Dentist appointment?  New cat.    Went to the movies?  New cat.  Westminster Dog Show?  New cat.

9.  No matter what you do in the house, you run the risk of a cat falling and landing  on your head.  Open the cupboard for your breakfast cereal.  Cat lands on your head.  Open the closet to get a new shirt for the day.  Cat lands on your head.  Open the desk drawer to find a pen.  A cat jumps up into the air and then…lands on your head.

8.  You went to the doctor for a bad cough.  X-rays indicate your lungs are 90% hair.

7.  You buy those pet hair rollers with extra stickiness by the case.

6.  You’ve become skilled at the 10-K hairball hork dash.  (When a cat begins to make horking sounds and you pick it up and run it outside before it can puke all over the rug.)

5.  What am I saying?  Your girlfriend is a cat lady.  You gave up on the rug years ago.  That rug is 5% carpet fiber and 95% puke.

4.  You have enough litter boxes in the basement to fill the Mojave three times off.

3.  And for some reason, even though she wanted all the cats, you’re always cleaning the boxes because, I don’t know, women’s rights or some shit.

2.  They take turns sleeping on your face.  She says it is because they love you but you are pretty sure they are using their pillow like bodies to smother you in your sleep.

  1.  There’s probably a joke about pu%&y to be made here, but you’ve heard them all before…because your house is filled…with so many damn cats.

 

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Apr 03 2016
4 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Vampire

Vampir.  Children of the night.  Demonic bloodsuckers.

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Call them what you will but if your girlfriend is one of them, she might just call you lunch…and not in a good way.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs that Your Girlfriend Might Be a Vampire.

10.  She’s the only girl you’ve ever dated who doesn’t spend a lot of time primping in front of the mirror.

9.  Awkwardly works the word “bleah” into regular conversation.

8.  Hypnotizes you through glamour techniques to get you to do her bidding.  (This could be inconclusive as most women do this anyway.)

7.  She totally sucks.  Insert joke here.

6.  You often wake up feeling woozy with two small holes in your neck.  Calling her on it will do nothing as she’ll just shrug her shoulders, channel Shaggy and say “wasn’t me.”

5.  Always has an excuse to get out of dates planned during the day.  Long walks in the park or on the beach are out.  Dive bars and rave clubs are in.

4.  Seems a little too old mentally for her physical age.  Swears she’s only twenty-five but get her drunk and she’ll tell you all about the dark ages.

3.  Sometimes she seems a little cold.  No, not emotionally cold.  Whenever you hold her hand it’s like a damn popsicle.

2.  Sleeps in a coffin.  Swears its just because she’s a goth but you’re not convinced.

  1.  Ran away when you told her you have wood.  You explain later you weren’t talking about stakes.  (Also inclusive as most women would also run away upon hearing this statement.
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Apr 03 2016
4 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja

Female-Ninja-Silhouette-800px Ninjutsu.  The ancient Japanese discipline that weaves martial arts, guerrilla warfare, espionage and clandestine assassination tactics into one lethal practitioner.

If a ninja wants you dead…you won’t know until you are dead.

But if you are dating a she-ninja, you won’t know until you consult this list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja:

10.  Although you think you might be alone, you’re pretty sure you just saw that shadow in the corner move.  Don’t worry.  That’s just ninja foreplay.

9.  You keep finding her nunchucks in your dishwasher.  It’s not that you don’t want to help her out but it just seems rude she won’t pre-rinse the blood off of them first.

8.  Sometimes when you’re alone and in the mood, a fast moving gust of wind will zoom through the window, knock you down, move around, then disappear just as quickly as it arrived.  You’re left confused yet strangely satisfied and in need of a cigarette.

7.  You wish she could be like most women and leave your “Honey-Do” list of chores on the kitchen table.  Instead, you’ve grown accustomed to walking down the hall, minding your own business, only to have a damn throwing knife sail past your eyes.  It ends up pinned to the wall with a note attached that reads, “Take out the trash.  You forgot to last week and it is starting to stink.  Also be a lamb and get my dry cleaning.”

6.  She wins every argument by shooting you in the neck with a blow dart.

5.  Her closet has more black outfits hanging in it than Johnny Cash ever owned.

4.  As a joke, you told her that her butt looks big in those black pants.  As her foot connected to your face in a perfectly executed roundhouse kick, you realized this joke was ill advised.

3.  She runs up the sides of buildings.  You get winded running a mile down the road.

2.  Brings her katana blade on every date.  Refuses to explain why.  You try your best to make small talk but you can still see the handle peaking over her shoulder as it sits in the sheath strapped to her back.

  1. She offered to neutralize your enemies.  You explain to her that you’re a peacenik and not really big on “neutralization” but thank her anyway.  It’s the thought that counts.
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