May the 4th be with you…ha! Get it? Get it?
Because…you know…the 4th…sounds like “force?”
Oh forget it and watch the trailer again:
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Tag Archives: Science Fiction
A Public Service Announcement from Alien Jones
By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent
Greetings Earth Losers. It is I, Alien Jones, the most intelligent being in the cosmos, here with an important public service announcement.
Beware the Moloklaxons – the Universe’s Greatest Weirdoes
Perhaps one day you one of you humans might turn off your TV, your computer, your cell phone, your iPad, your iWatch, or your iWhatever and do something crazy like, oh I don’t know, venture outside your dwelling and take in some your planet’s fresh air.
Actually, that’s not advisable as you clowns have evaporated your ozone layer, what with your body sprays and fancy butt perfumes and all, but I digress.
While your outside, you may encounter what we in the intergalactic exploration business refer to as an “Unidentified Flying Object.”
That’s a bit of a misnomer. To you, it’s unidentified. To us, it’s those damn Moloklaxons, the jerk faces of the universe.
While most civilized alien worlds banned the practice of abduction over a thousand years ago, the Moloklaxons feel there is nothing more hilarious to do on a Saturday night than to beam an unsuspecting human into their craft, fly all over the galaxy, perform disturbing nether region probes, then drop said human off in the middle of the nowhere, making sure to dose said human with a gallon of Kentucky bourbon so that the Earth authorities will write the abduction victim off as a drunkard or kook.
If you see such a spaceship in your vicinity – run! And if the Moloklaxons tell you that they must abduct you in the name of intergalactic science, know this a hoax, as they are not acting in accordance with intergalactic law.
I’m glad I was able to clear up this important question, Earth losers. Meanwhile, if you have any more questions, you should submit them to Bookshelf Q. Battler who will forward them to me. Drop them in the comments on this blog, on BQB’s Google Plus, or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle
Finally, I’m contractually obligated to remind you that the epic blog serial story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” will begin right here on bookshelfbattle.com on May 15.
I’m not prominently featured in this tale so really, I could give three craps if you read it.
Alien Jones (aka Lord Alien of House Jones) is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.
A Special Message from Dr. Hugo Von Science
SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY DR. HUGO VONSCIENCE, HEAD SCIENTIST AT THE ADVANCED SCIENCE INSTITUTE OF SCIENCE UNIVERSITY
Dr. Hugo Von Science
Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!
It is I, Dr. Hugo Von Science! Perhaps you recognize me from my many wunderbar inventions:
- Teflon Pants – for those exceptionally messy jobs
- Teflon Underpants – see above
- The Colon Roomba – patrols your intestines, sucking up excess food. As soon as I gain FDA approval, you’ll never see another overweight person ever again!
- EMPC Grenades – Similar to the Electronic Magnetic Pulse Grenades that knock out the enemies’ electronics, these do the same thing but they also deafen the Army’s opponents with a vigorous blasting of Cher’s greatest hits.
- The Two Jump Pogo Stick – Literally get anywhere in the world within two jumps. We’ve lost many test chimps but we’re confident we’ll figure it out by 2018.
- The Incredible Exploding Chinchilla – You laugh, but when we drop a thousand of these bad boys out of a plane with tiny parachutes, the enemy won’t know what hit them.
And last but certainly not least:
- The X57 Planetary Smashing Death Ray – to be placed on the moon in order to hold the Earth for ransom and…woopsie! I’ve said to much.
Anyhow, I’d like to say a few words about my former student, Mr. Bookshelf Q. Battler, who took every class I taught at the Advanced Science Institute.
In fact, BQB’s assistance was instrumental in securing a patent for the Incredible Exploding Chinchilla. We were able to secure all legal rights to the invention, thus stopping those lesser bastards at Science Tech from their foolish plan to develop exploding ferrets.
Exploding ferrets. Like that would ever work.
BQB is a wise man, an intelligent man, and a generous man. In fact, he spotted me a portrait of Andrew Jackson just to say all this. That’s just the kind of guy he is.
But what you really need to know is that his epic story, Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life is coming to your computer screens on May 15. It’s going to be a blog serial, meaning every day throughout the summer, he’ll post a bite size chunk of his adventure tale right here on bookshelfbattle.com
The best part? He’s doing it for free! (Which makes sense because between you and me I suggested to him that he should spot you all a portrait of Andrew Jackson if he wants anyone to read it).
Whatever you do, be sure to read the part where I, the illustrious Dr. Hugo Von Science make a brief cameo in this stinkenheimer of a story.
By the way, I also hear mumblings that BQB has yet another series dropping on this blog on June 1. I have no involvement in that one because he’s thus far only been referring to it as “Project X.”
MARK YOUR CALENDARS
BQB AND THE MEANING OF LIFE – May 15
PROJECT X – June 1
It may or may not involve exploding chinchillas. You know what? Just assume there won’t be any exploding chinchillas in Project X and then you will be pleasantly surprised if there are some. (Or surprised if there aren’t any, if you’re one of those namby pambies who can’t appreciate a good exploding chinchilla.
Finally, I just want to point out that BQB’s strongest subject has never been math. He claims as some kind of a joke that he only has 3.5 readers but he just told me his blog has around 900 followers.
Such a poor math student. That reminds me – due to poor calculations, BQB’s first one hundred chinchilla test subjects did not even explode. It was only when I pointed out to him that he forgot to carry the one was he able to explode chinchillas at a fast and furious pace.
Either way, if you haven’t followed the Bookshelf Battle Blog, now’s the time to do so because you’ll be able to take in free serialized stories on this blog all summer long.
And who knows? I might return to talk more about scientific happenings of a scientific nature.
Danke schön,
Dr. Hugo Von Science
Head Scientist
Advanced Science Institute of Science University
Mad scientist photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Ask the Alien – 4/26/15 – Iggy, Jennifer, and Daniel Waltz’ “The Water Travelers”
By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Columnist, Most Intelligent Being in the Universe
PREVIOUSLY ON ASK THE ALIEN:
AJ’s Relatives, Orcs, and Sci-Fi Gary
AND NOW ASK THE ALIEN CONTINUES…
Greetings Earth Losers! Alien Jones here beaming copious amounts of knowledge through the Bookshelf Battle Compound and straight into all of your computerized devices which, though they may seem highly advanced to you rubes, are actually considered children’s toys in most other parts of space.
Who has a question? Come forward and declare your inquiry!
BQB: Hey AJ. It’s me. Bookshelf Q. Battler.
AJ: Oh Cripes. Not many takers this week?
BQB: Well, you’re the one who told me to stop bribing the winos. But seriously, I have a question – what is the best song ever produced?
AJ: Ahh, that is an excellent question but I could not possibly answer it. There are so many, where would I begin? Do I limit the field of inquiry to a particular genre? To a group of artists? To a select time period? To a single planet? The realm of possibility is so vast that…
BQB: I’ll save you the “trouble.” It’s Trouble by Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Hudson.
AJ: You can’t just say that a song is the best song ever produced, why that’s….
BQB: Sing it.
AJ: No I couldn’t possibly…
BQB: You know you want to.
AJ: It would be indignified…
BQB: Do it!
AJ: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT YOU WERE BAD NEWS…FROM THE BAD BOY DEMEANOR AND THE TATTOOS….TAKE IT BOOKSHELF….
BQB: DON’T YOU COME IN THINKIN’ YOU BALLIN….it’s so great isn’t it?
AJ: It really is. I stand corrected. This song is the best song ever composed in the history of the space/time continuum.
BQB: Makes Beethoven look like a pile of crap.
AJ: We shall sing it during the commercials on Scandal night!
BQB: Damn straight. But first, you have a question…
Daniel Waltz, author of “The Water Travelers” asks:
ALIEN JONES,
Have you ever water traveled?
Oh Daniel, I see what you did there. You worked the title of your book series into your question. Good show! For BQB’s 3.5 readers, I’ll note that your site provides a description of your latest installment, The Curse of Senapin. Here’s an excerpt:
“For the past six months, Aaron and Madi have been waiting to receive word from Yerowslii. But, when the King of Upitar is taken captive by Senapin forces, Aaron and Madi must flee their hiding place to rescue him. Although skeptical of it, they are accompanied by a disloyal ally, Ugine.”
– Daniel Waltz, The Water Travelers
Bookshelf Q. Battler and I can relate. On our joint missions to make the Earth a more intelligent place, we’re often accompanied by The Yeti and he’s the most disloyal and ugly ally I’ve ever seen.
I was quite impressed with your book trailer:
BQB: My socks were knocked right the hell off, AJ. At first I was like, “Twenty one seconds? That’s too short…”
AJ: Yes, but “Adventure finds those who are brave enough to take the first step.” That’s all you need to know. If I had emotions, I’d be moved.
BQB: Plus it’s read by someone who sounds like he could be a friggin’ Lord of the Rings wizard or something. Very awesome. Makes me want to rush right on over to Amazon and buy a zillion copies…
Now, at first I thought Daniel was just trying to find out if I like to water ski or snorkel or something (which I do) but he’s actually referring to a power discussed in the book that allows travel between another world and Earth through water.
To answer your question, no. I don’t need to. I’m a duly designated officer of the Intergalactic Space Force and as such I have a vast array of ships at my disposal, so there’s no reason to get my pants wet. (When I bother to wear them. I usually don’t because, you know, I’ve got nothing down there so what’s the point?)
Your book is very prophetic though because certain species have been “water traveling” for years. In fact, there’s an entire planet where anchovies rule like kings, love like queens, laugh like jesters, and live like jacks. Then they water travel on over to Earth and end up as a dinner entrée topping. Don’t you feel bad now for putting them on your pizza?
BQB: I don’t think anyone put anchovies on their pizza anymore AJ. I think they just keep one can around for the random weirdo who wants a fishy pizza.
AJ: Sounds like something The Yeti would be into.
Thank you for your question Daniel. May your career as an author travel farther than the vast reaches of the cosmos.
Until next week, this is Alien Jones, signing off.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.
Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
Self Publishing Podcast Interview of Andy Weir – Author of “The Martian”
Let’s face it.
We all say, “oh, I’m just in it for the art!” but deep down, we all secretly hope, dream and fantasize that 
one day our writing will be embraced by the masses, a big pile of money will be dumped on our heads, and our work will be read by everyone and turned into a Hollywood movie!
Well, as it turns out, that happened for Andy Weir, author of The Martian.
Andy was on the Self Publishing Podcast this week with “Johnny, Sean and Dave” aka Johnny B. Truant, Sean Platt and David W. Wright.
Keep one thing in mind, aspiring scribes – success in the writing game doesn’t happen overnight.
Andy discussed how he’s been at it for years – that he’s been blogging since the early 2000’s, how he spent a long time seeking a traditional publishing deal with no success, that initially wrote “The Martian” as a serial on his blog, that his followers urged him to turn said serial into an ebook on Amazon and boom, it took off. Now he’s a highly successful author and a movie based on his book starring Matt Damon is scheduled for release at the end of this year.
The important thing to note? Yes, some people are very lucky and see those doors to success swing wide open for them early on. And good for them. Others, like Andy, had to painstakingly climb that ladder one rung at a time.
After hearing his story, I can’t think of someone more deserving. He really put his work in and earned his success.
As always, Johnny, Sean and Dave bringing us a great show. And they didn’t even veer off topic this time!
Game of Yetis – Part 6 – House Alien
Previously on Game of Yetis:
PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor. Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.
PART 2 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).
PART 3 – House Bookshelf – The usually not so easily rattled Lord BQB is enraged when he discovers that his supply of Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain has been stolen by dirty yetis in the employ of Lord Yeti of House Yeti. Unable to purchase an army of eunuchs because Daenerys Stormborn bogarted them all, he turns to his trusty banner men. Alas, they were only in it for the Dew of the Mountain and now Lord BQB must fight this battle alone.
PART 4 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti is aghast when he spies white walkers on their way to Yetifell.
Part 5 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB takes it easy as his elderly lackey, the decrepit Maester Monty pulls his master across the countryside all the way to Riverrun, the land of House Tully. Along the way, Lord BQB confides in Monty that he has long dreamed he would one day meet an enormous warrior woman, one capable of providing him with love and vanquishing his enemies. Lord BQB refuses to take a wife until he meets such a lady.
And now Game of Yetis continues…
Across the Narrow Sea, a tiny being walked through the marketplace, his face obscured by a weathered cloth hood. He was weary from a long voyage and his feet ached for rest. He took a seat inside a tavern and ordered an ale.
“Hey!”
The small figure ignored the brooding hulk who, despite without so much as an invention, took a chair across the little one’s table.
“Hey half-man!” the brute said. “Take off your hood!”
The small being refused to look up. Instead, he sighed the sigh of a creature who, on a daily was forced to realize that the burden of being the smartest one in the room would always belong to him.
“You deaf or something?” the man said. “Take off your hood or I’ll cut it off for you along with your head! Queen Cersei’s put out a hefty reward for her brother the imp’s head and I’ll be damned if you aren’t just about Lord Tyrion’s size!”
Seeing that it was pointless to wait for the little one to comply, the man reached a big burly hand across the table, intent on pulling the hood off. Just then, quicker than a flash of lighting, the small one threw off his cloak, withdrew a laser blaster, and incinerated the intruder until there was nothing left but a pile of ash.
The last thing the would-be bounty hunter saw? The face of an alien – two almond shaped eyes and a ginormous cranium.
“Gadzooks,” the alien said. “It’s getting so that a highly evolved being can’t even have a drink in peace around here.
The alien ran a three-fingered hand over his wine glass and sucked the wine particles into the air and up into his pores.
“Aww,” the alien said as he emitted an obnoxious burp. “That is, how I believe they say on this primitive planet, ‘the good shit.'”
“Caw! Caw!”
A raven landed on the table carrying a scroll in its beak. The messenger bird dropped it on the table but refused to leave.
“Thank you,” the alien said. “You may go now.”
“Caw! Caw! Tip! Caw!”
The alien wished he had the type of eyes that could roll.
“Here’s a tip,” he said as he pointed a finger to his laser blaster. “Flap your wings outta this joint before I put fried raven on the menu!”
“Caw! Caw! Cheap ass! Caw!”
And with that, the raven skeedaddled out the window, leaving the alien to unravel the parchment across the table.
It read:
LORD BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Salutations, Lord Alien of House Jones! This week’s “Ask the Alien” question comes from Mereen!
@DothrakiDragonMama4Eva tweeted:
“Alien Jones – how u trn dragnz? Helps! LOLZ!”
Lord Alien put his cloak back on, left the barkeep a coin for the wine and another for the ashy mess he left and exited the establishment.
This was a question that required a house call.
Alien Jones (aka Lord Alien of House Jones) is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.
Ask the Alien – 4/19/15
Previously on Ask the Alien:
And now Ask the Alien continues…
Greetings Earth Losers. The greatest and most humble mind of the universe, here to answer your questions and save you all from your own incompetence.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: AJ! It’s a real humdinger of a week here on Bookshelf Battle! We have three, count ’em, a whopping 3 questions for you!
ALIEN JONES: Holy Farzing Shazbo. Have you been bribing winos off the street again?
BQB: No! They’re people! Actual real people!
The first question this week comes from Mei-Mei of jedibyknight.com who asks:
“Lord Alien, love your house sigil/motto. Can you tell us about one of your distinguished ancestors of House Jones? Or one of the crazy ones, either way.”
Gadzooks. That stupid sigil. Who knew when I signed up to be a guest contributor for this blog I’d be required to participate in promotions, such as this Ren Faire disaster nonsense that Bookshelf Q. Battler will have going on until June.
BQB: I actually do it all year round. I only display it prominently for GOT from April-June.
ALIEN JONES: You probably don’t want to admit that.
Anyway, I’m not privy to “Lord BQB’s” final draft, but I’m sure I’m the only Alien who makes an appearance in :::shudder::: “Game of Yetis.”
In the real world, a place that BQB should consider visiting once in awhile, aliens of my planet are cloned in a government lab and assigned a designation number. Some of my favorite family members?
Cousin 1012049AZ1 – Ah good old Cousin 1012049AZ1. Many a day we spent scanning for signs of intelligent life in the cosmos. We’re still scanning.
Uncle 3XC5056089 – If I felt emotions, I imagine I’d be brimming with pride over the exploits of good old Uncle 3X. Took down a Maloklaxon freighter with nothing but a wad of chewing gum, a paper clip, three boxes of what you call baking soda, a pair of ladies’ pantyhose (don’t ask me how he got them) and some twine. He’s been on the Maloklaxon Most Wanted List ever since but that’s ok, because between you and me, the Maloklaxons are considered the a-holes of the universe.
Great Grandpa 19191919RFT – The black sheep of the family. Only cured three diseases and developed two inventions. Talk about an underachiever. Bleh.
Thank you for your question, Mei-Mei.
NEXT QUESTION!
ALIEN JONES: Who’s this guy?
BQB: He’s Sci-Fi Gary! Everybody knows Sci-Fi Gary!
ALIEN JONES: Scanning memory banks. Ahh…yes! Of course Sci-Fi Gary!
As an all-knowing Alien, I was born with an inner-knowledge of every book ever written, as well as those yet to be written. I even know about all those half-written manuscripts you all can’t finish because you’re too busy watching Mad Men.
BQB: You know I’ve invested eight years of my life in that show and it looks like Don’s going to marry a random waitress in the end?
ALIEN JONES: It’s Dexter all over again!
Back to Gary. I took a peak at Amazon Author page for Gary Alan Ruse, which features many of his novels originally published in the 1970’s and 1980’s.
I’ll have you know that Bookshelf Q. Battler was a big fan of 1980’s sci-fi. He used to watch that movie where Tom Selleck shot the robo-spiders on a continuous loop as a kid.
BQB: Runaway
ALIEN JONES: I would if I could but my agent says I’m locked into writing this damn column forever.
Anyway, I highly advise that you check out Gary’s stuff. My faves:
- Morlac – The Quest of the Green Magician
- The Gods of Cerus Major
- Aggie and Agent X – the cover features an alien in a trench coat who bears a striking resemblance to my old college roommate
- Houndstooth – a secret project in which a chip is put into a dog’s brain
BQB: Alien Jones, can you put a chip into Bookshelf Q. Battledog’s brain to keep him from using Bookshelf Battle Headquarters as his personal toilet?
ALIEN JONES: I could but it would turn him rabid.
BQB: Nothing new. Hey, on a serious note, isn’t it great that authors who have had publishing success in the past have been able to use sites like Amazon to sell books to a whole new generation?
ALIEN JONES: Indeed. Thank you for your question, Gary. Continue spreading your tales of intergalactic daring-do. The comments and reviews on your books tell me you’re a respected author who has built a loyal following.
NEXT QUESTION!
ALIEN JONES: Zounds. A third question? I demand a raise.
BQB: OK. I’ll double the nothing I pay you now.
Kai Delmas of the blog, “Of Orcs and Men” writes:
“I write a story blog about a war between orcs and humans. It’s called “Of Orcs and Men”. I thought AJ could help promote it and while he’s at it, with his infinite wisdom, he could answer some questions about orcs that I was wondering about.”
Ah yes. Of Orcs and Men. The first draft of Steinbeck’s classic tale of two hulking beastly creatures who roam about the Californian countryside, looking for work and getting into trouble due to Lenny the Orc’s dimwittery. Steinbeck didn’t think it worked with both characters being big, dumb and stupid so he rewrote it as “Of Mice and Men” with both characters as humans and George being smaller and smarter.
1. Are there orcs or other fantastical creatures on other planets in the universe?
Yes. We enjoy fantasy just as humans do. On my planet, there is a show called Game of Brains. It imagines a fantasy planet Earth, where the humans have them. They never watch reality television, people are only famous if they achieve something, and stuffed crust pizza is banned. You can your cheese on the pizza but in the crust? Insanity!
I admit, there are some far-fetched plots on that show. Here’s an except from last week’s show:
PETE: Say Fred, we each practice a different religion, but let’s not start a war over it, ok?
FRED: That’s a very sensible idea, Pete. No need for people to die just because I pray to one man in the sky and you pray to another.
PETE: Capital idea, Fred! Another notion – let’s have an election where both sides provide their thoughts and points of view on various issues and leave it up to the people to decide without a constant need to paint one side or the other as a bunch of vile, baby’s candy stealing, puppy kicking lowlives?
FRED: That makes sense, Pete. At the end of the day, we all want we believe is best for the world. We can voice our opinions, but there’s no need to be monsters over it.
Ahh…good old Game of Brains. The highest rated fantasy comedy on my home planet.
2. If yes, are they smarter than us primitive earthlings?
Until we locate another planet where the inhabitants wear pajama pants to public shopping centers, I’m sorry to say that Earth wears the dunce cap of the cosmos.
3. Who does he think would win such a war between orcs and men? (Medieval times)
Men. And hobbits. And dwarves. And elves. J.R.R. Tolkien was trying to tell you all the truth about your planet’s early history. All of his books were actually written as documentaries.
Thanks and have a wonderful stay on our planet. It’s not much, but we’re doing the best we can with our limited cerebral resources. 😉
Appreciated. Earth? I rarely visit that dump. I do most of my blogging from my ship. Once in awhile I will visit Bookshelf Q. Battler’s compound to watch Scandal.
Aliens love Scandal.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.
Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
Star Wars – The Force Awakens Trailer – 2
Nerds are foaming at the mouth:
EXPERT ANALYSIS BY BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER, THE NERDIEST OF THEM ALL
- For the first time in over thirty years, Luke Skywalker and co are back on the big screen.
- It is said that Leia has the force, which was never displayed in the films (though it makes sense)
- Han and Chewie are back. Han looks as good as a man in his 70s can. Chewie has either found the fountain of youth or he dyes his fur.
- Don’t those droids ever get updated with newer models? I feel like I have to upgrade my phone every five minutes.
- Harrison Ford – for the love of God, can you please stay away from the WWII planes? Yes, we love you. We’re glad you survived the crash. But come on man, if you crash an antique plane (yeah yeah besides the obvious tragedy) do you realize what a bummer that would put on this awesome movie? STAY AWAY FROM THE WWII PLANES!
- Enormous crashed Star Destroyer!
- Luke’s robot hand on R2D2’s head!
- Darth Vader’s crushed helmet!
- X-Wings!
- Tie Fighters!
It looks great! This Christmas…celebrate the birth of Christ and…yeah yeah yeah bring on STAR WARS!
Meanwhile, the first six films are available on digital download for the first time in forever. Have you downloaded any of them yet? Which one is your favorite?
40 Billion Earth-like Planets in the Milky Way Alone
According to Yale Professor Meg Urry in a CNN column, “When Can We Talk to Aliens?” astronomers estimate that there may be as many as 40 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way Galaxy alone.
That’s not even taking other galaxies into consideration.
Space – it’s really friggin’ big.
Does this mean those planets have intelligent life on them? We don’t know. But Urry states:
Intelligent life that can communicate via radio waves with other intelligent life is less than 100 years old here on Earth.
So while planets that develop simple forms of life may be a dime a dozen, the number that have sentient beings with whom to converse — even assuming they evolved as humans did, with ears and spoken language, or eyes and written language — is likely to be tiny. And life that can use radio waves has existed on Earth for only 0.000002% of the planet’s history — 100 years out of 4.5 billion. If the half dozen or so rocky, Earth-like exoplanets now known are similar, the odds of discovering humanlike life on them are about the same as, well, winning your state lottery with one ticket.
Of course, if there are 40 billion Earth-like planets out there, the odds improve quite a bit. If they all have histories like the Earth’s, there might be 1,000 planets in the Milky Way that could support communicative beings.
– Meg Urry, “When Can We Talk to Aliens?” CNN. April 2015.
Let’s break this down.
40 billion habitable planets – and that’s just in our galaxy. However, habitability does not automatically mean life exists, or that intelligent life exists.
On top of that, if intelligent beings are out there, they will have had to have evolved to the point where they know how to communicate via radio waves in order for us to communicate with them. We’ve only figured that out in the past hundred years, the blink of an eye given the vast expanse of human history.
Take that concern into consideration – 1,000 planets that could possibly have beings as intelligent as we are (and let’s face it, Alien Jones loves to remind us that we’re not exactly setting the intelligence bar high)
My mind is blown. True, we have no idea of truly knowing that which we cannot confirm with our eyes.
However, statistically speaking…40 billion habitable planets…1,000 planets that could have possibly had a species that evolved to the point where they can communicate with technology of some kind.
There very well may be an alien on another planet that is a bizarro version of me, writing a blog that is only read by 3.5 readers, including an alien version of my Aunt Gertrude.
Amazing. Simply amazing.
If you’re reading this aliens, we come in peace. Let us learn from one another in the spirit of unity and harmony.
Also, please don’t invade our planet and eat our faces.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Alien Jones, why didn’t you tell me there might be 1,000 planets with beings as smart as we are?
ALIEN JONES: Because they’re all smarter than you are. 1,000 planets and not one of them has reality television. Zing. Thank you. I’m here all week. Tip your waitresses. Good night everybody.
Sigil of House Jones
Movie Review – Chappie – (2015)
Sigh. I really wanted to like this one.
Director Neil Blomkamp hit a home run his first time at bat with 2009’s District 9, attracting a rare Oscar nomination for a Sci-Fi flick. Critics weren’t big on his follow-up Elysium with Matt Damon but this blogger thought it was actually pretty decent.
So when I saw previews about a movie starring a bad ass police robot with Hugh Jackman as the villain, I was all like, “Sign me up!”
But after seeing it? Ugh. Where do I start?
OK. If you want no SPOILERS leave now.
“Suck” is a strong word. It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen and it did have its up moments. “Suck” is often in the eye of the beholder. And an ongoing theme of this blog is that I cheer on artists of all kinds in the hopes that said art will find a home in the hearts of people who will appreciate it.
So, I only use the word “suck” in correlation to what I was expected and what I received.
I was expecting an off brand Robo-cop. What I got was a robot with a childish brain spending most of the movie waxing philosophically about the meaning of its existence.
I can’t really explain it without digging into the plot, so here goes.
Deion (Dev Patel) is an engineer for a corporation that builds police robots for the South African government. One day, he develops a program for a true AI, an intelligence that will allow a robot to be able to think like a human (more so, actually).
The CEO, played by Sigourney Weaver, is not interested and orders Deion not to use company equipment to experiment with his AI program. Odd that the head of a for-profit company would balk at an idea that would revolutionize the robotics industry but, ok.
Against orders, Deion implants his program into a broken down police robot headed for the scrap pile.
Oh, I forgot to mention, he does this after he is kidnapped by Ninja and Yolandi, two gangster criminals who cook up a scheme to kidnap the engineer in the hopes that he can provide them with a remote control they can use to shut the police robots off and commit crimes with reckless abandon. The gangsters abandon the remote control idea and Ninja wants to use the robot, which they name Chappie, to help with a heist that will be used to repay money owed to an even worse criminal.
Here’s where things start to get odd. Deion goes along with it and ok…what choice does he have? They’re criminals with guns and shit.
But then – from time to time, Deion just comes back to the criminals lair to talk to Chappie and help him with his development.
Well ok – Deion has stolen a company owned robot against orders so that’s understandable he doesn’t want to call the cops on Ninja and Yolandi.
But then – Ninja and Yolandi just kind of like, let Deion come and go as he pleases. I feel like most gangsters probably would have just shot him.
Chappie was born the instant his AI program was switched on so there’s a learning curve. He’s basically a kid in a robot body and everything in the world is new to him. There are some funny moments when Ninja teaches him how to swear and act like a gangster but other than that…eh, it’s…I don’t know. “Eh” is the best word I can use to describe it.
Ok…so its a goofy set up. It gets better right? Nah…while there are some good action scenes, a great deal of the film is spent on Chappie learning about morals, the soul, the purpose of being alive, how people should treat one another, and so on.
Maybe that’s good. Maybe there are people who will enjoy that. Maybe Sci-Fi should make you think and maybe it doesn’t always have to be mindless special effects.
But me personally? I came into this film expecting a 2 hour bad ass police robot film and instead I got Chappie in bed with Yolandi (who he believes is his mother) reading Ba Ba Black Sheep to him:
Chappie and Yolandi – Sony Pictures
Stop reading, Chappie. I know. I’m a book blogger. But seriously, stop reading. Stop painting. Stop philosophizing. Be a badass already.
Fun fact that I didn’t realize until I went home and Googled the film – Ninja and Yolandi are actually two members of the South African rap group Die Antwoord. I’d never heard of them before, probably because I’m not South African. Their rap names are actually Ninja and Yolandi and they play fictional versions of themselves in the movie.
After finding that out, I felt like the movie was one big joke that Blomkamp didn’t let me in on because I’m not South African and had never heard of Die Antwoord before.
Imagine if they made a movie where Nicki Minaj and Kanye West became the parents of a robot with a childish brain. That’d be kind of hilarious. Had I known who Ninja and Yolandi were prior to going into the movie, I might have found the whole thing a laugh riot (though I’m not sure a comedy was the director’s intent).
Admittedly, I might be broadcasting my lameness since these guys are apparently tearing up the inter webs.
If South African rap interests you, their vids are on youtube. They’re a bit…well…”out there.” No offense, I think I’ll stick with good old traditional Ludacris and Fiddy regaling me with tales about their trips to the club, their love of Cristal, spinning rims and so on.
That’s not a knock on Ninja and Yolandi though – they may be the only redeeming part of the movie, if there is one.
In conclusion – I gave it a solid C. Probably not something you want to rush out to the theater for but you might give it a rental in the hopes that Neil Blomkamp can be encouraged to bring us another project of District 9 proportions.
That grade was hard for me to give. My regular 3.5 readers know I hate to criticize and there may very well be people who love this movie and I’m glad for them but…meh…I think it is the first bit of media I’ve reviewed thus far that will not find its way on my shelf.
PS: What constitutes good science fiction is often debated. Some think that a sci fi flick should just be mindless laser blasting, space opera, and little else. Am I therefore being one of these people by criticizing Chappie? I suppose so, though it’s not my intention. I didn’t like it, but I can see why others might.
Bookshelf Battle 