It’s been roughly two years since you have me to look after Bookshelf Q. Battler, the human author you believe possesses so much talent that he will one day write a novel so perfect that it inspires the masses to abandon reality television.
Not gonna lie, I still don’t see that side of him but hey, you’re the Mighty Potentate.
At any rate, I do believe that his blog, despite being only read by 3.5 readers, has convinced humans that reality television must be rejected. After all, it’s not like America, the greatest of all Earth nations, has elected a reality television star as their ruler or something. I firmly stand by that statement and also, please don’t watch any Earth television.
Bookshelf Q. Battlers End of 2016 Stats are as follows:
WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: 2,025
TOTAL 2016 VISITORS: 16,389 (I cannot confirm nor deny that most of these were BQB’s Aunt Gertie).
TOTAL 2016 LIKES: 7,502
TOTAL 2016 VIEWS: 27,524 (Most were people who came here looking for directions on how to get away from here).
FACEBOOK FOLLOWERS: 287 (Though BQB is considering scraping up some cash to use as a bribe to Earth Techno-Lord Zuckerberg to allow him more Facebook friends. Like BQB on Facebook – @bookshelfqbattler)
Moreover, oh Potent One, BQB continues to seek new ways to bring traffic to his most pathetic blog. Search engine optimization appears to be BQB’s forte as he has brought in 11,576 visitors this year alone through search engine hits (though again, most were people who came here looking for directions on how to get away from here).
Based on these stats, Mightiest of Potentates, I recommend holding back your invasion of Earth for another year in order to allow BQB to continue working on his writing career. He’s building a platform, he continues to try, and though he has the attention span of amoeba, I believe 2017 will be the year when he publishes a novel.
As always, it has been a pleasure serving you, oh splendid Potent One, and though there have been rumors to the effect that I feel this job is far, far, far below my capabilities, I gladly accept any and all orders you have with a smile.
I walk away from the Thanksgiving table at BQB HQ for a minute to feed the meter next to my space ship and by the time I get back, the damn Yeti has changed the locks and taken over the joint.
Not gonna lie. This does not bode well for my career, or frankly, my little green life, because as you know, for some strange reason, Bookshelf Q. Battler is the Mighty Potentate’s Chosen One, the one who will allegedly write and publish a novel that is so breathtaking that it will convince all of humanity to give up on reality television.
Personally, I don’t see it. I’ve seen more work ethic in Nyquil addicted sloths than I have seen in BQB, but hey, what the Potentate wants is what the Potentate gets.
And his going to get my vaporized if he happens to check this blog and find out that BQB has been imprisoned and that a damn fuzzy international war criminal hellbent on turning the entire world into a boring place is in charge.
3.5 READERS: How do we save BQB, Alien Jones?
Oh thank the Potentate, 3.5 readers. I’m so glad you asked.
Twitter.
Yetis only love boring things and if this blog starts getting more follows on its companion Twitter page, then that will be just way too stimulating for the Yeti to handle and he will surely bail.
3.5 READERS: Can’t you just vaporize the Yeti?
Really? That’s how it’s going to be? The alien has to do everything?
Bitches, please. Get your asses to Twitter and follow your favorite nerd and save his ass from the Yeti and my ass from the Mighty Potentate…please. Pretty please…with space sugar on top.
Before I begin, I’d like to say congratulations to America for concluding its presidential election.
You may have thought this election was tough. In fact, it reminded me of the Flaknarkian election of 29292929 for the position of Illustrious Poobah.
The Flaknarkians are a walrus shaped people. The male candidate was an elderly walrus with outlandish hair and the female was also an elderly walrus but she had a penchant for falling down all the time.
Hmm…come to think of it, there wasn’t a lot of difference between that election and yours.
Anyway, if your candidate prevailed, congratulations. If your candidate lost, my condolences.
But whether you are happy are sad by the results of this election, fear not, for it is meaningless, as the Mighty Potentate will most certainly take control of your wretched planet at some point anyway.
You may recall that some time ago my supreme overlord, the Mighty Potentate, declared that Bookshelf Q. Battler is the chosen one, the only writer capable of putting out a book so finely crafted that it would inspire the masses to give up on reality television altogether.
It’s been over a year and alas, BQB has yet to publish a novel.
Ergo, to prevent the spread of reality television across the cosmos, His Potentosity is planning a hostile takeover of your planet should BQB fail in his writing efforts.
In other words, start getting used to the idea of being ruled by the Mighty Potentate because it doesn’t look like BQB will ever get his ass into gear.
But you can help BQB and in so doing, save your planet from the Mighty Potentate’s potent potential.
All you need to do is follow BQB on one of the following time wasting social media sites that aliens invented to cause all of you dumb humans to grow dumber, fatter, lazier and more obnoxious and angry about literally everything.
BQB is an especially Twitterer. In fact, he Tweets as much as your incoming president but he is not as orange.
BQB checks in on Facebok and Wattpad regularly but has been letting Google + slide, though he needs to get back to it soon.
So follow him and then once he writes his book you can help him promote it and in effect, save the world from the Mighty Potentate.
In the meantime, if you see BQB screwing around on this pitiful blog, tell him to get his back ass to work on his novel, for the fate of the world is at stake.
Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.
Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle
Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.
“All of this has happened before and will happen again.”
Umm…except no matter what, my site will only have 3.5 readers before and again.
Seriously, it’s like shouting into the deepest reaches of space here!
I just hope if a Cylon gets me its the Tricia Helfer model. Awooga!
BQB here with a review of Battlestar Galactica.
Just so that we’re all on the same page here, I’m talking about BSG that aired on the SyFy channel in the 2000s, not the 1970s original where the actors wore capes and the cylons looked like tin cans and shit.
This show was a real coup for sci-fi nerds. After all, it isn’t like anyone was really clamoring for a remake of the cheesy 70s version, but series rebooter Ronald Moore delivered and delivered big time.
Twelve colonies, all named after the astrological signs, are filled with humans who work together under one government.
Alas, the cylons (robots run amuck) blow shit up big time.
In a surprise turn of events, Laura Roslin (Mary McDonnell) becomes the president as every other head of state above her dies.
Thereafter, Admiral William Adama (Edward James Olmos), at the command of Battlestar Galactica, leads a convoy of ships filled with humans on an epic search for the mythical lost planet known as “Earth.”
You might have heard of it. You’re sitting on it, dummy.
Along the way, there’s political intrigue, backstabbing, sex, violence, and the constant fear that someone in the ranks might in secret, be a damn traitorous cylon as, what a twist, Cylons are able to take human form now.
Did I mention that the Cylons chase the humans all over space? Cy-douches if you ask me.
Over the years, SyFy has given us such wondrous films as Sharknado and Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf.
In other words, you sort of get the impression that they phone most of their shit in, but somehow, everyone involved with this show was firing on all cylinders. Why they haven’t been able to recreate this success before or after is beyond me.
Add to the mix the exploits of space fighter pilots Lee “Apollo” Adama aka the admiral’s son (Jamie Bamber) and super hot nerd fantasy girl Katee Sackhoff as Kara “Starbuck” Thrace and you’ve got a great show.
Honestly, the show could have introduce Katee Sackhoff to the world and stopped there. She’s built a career on starring in sci-fi nerd movies/shows ever since and I hope she never stops.
Oh, and there’s James Callis as the duplicitous scheming super weenie Dr. Gaius Baltar who, we learn early on, basically helped the Cylons destroy humanity through his douchebaggery and then somehow he must hide this info from his human compatriots throughout the series or be thrown out the airlock.
Yup. Somebody was always getting thrown out that airlock, often at the behest of grumpy Cylon hater Colonel Saul Tigh (Michael Hogan.)
I hate to say it, 3.5 readers, but this isn’t available on Netflix at present.
However, you can check it out on Hulu and if you’re a sci-fi space geek, it is worth the subscription fee, even if you just decide to subscribe until you’ve binge watched the whole thing.
And it is binge worthy. There are many cliff hangers and ongoing arcs, plot points you can’t help but want to see resolved.
And Moore and co. are creative in taking pieces of our earthly world and implanting them in the BSG world with the suggestion that the culture we experience now has its roots in this ancient space faring group of explorers.
Space. The final frontier. Damn, it’s big and shit.
These are the voyages of the Starship SPOILERPRISE.
BQB here with a review of Star Trek: Beyond.
J.J. Abrams’ third Star Trek movie is out. This go around, Kirk and Co. get lured into a distant nebula, ambushed and stranded after crashing on a desolate planet run by the evil alien Krall.
The crew has an artifact Krall wants in order to do evil shit…and they fight and shit and that’s about it. I’ll let you watch and fill in the details on your own.
I applaud J.J. because he seems committed to honoring the spirit of the old show/movies even though the 35+ crowd that Hollywood typically doesn’t give a crap about is the only demographic that would care.
Sulu’s totally gay and homage is paid to the late Leonard Nimoy, as well as to the original cast.
Sorry to give this spoiler but at one point a photo of the original cast is shown from the 1980s/1990s movies when they’re all in their 50’s and are wrinkly and gray haired and shit.
Millenials, old people used to look like that and they let them into movies anyway. Now they just botox the shit out of themselves until their 95.
Idris Elba is great as Krall. Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban and everyone turn in great performances.
There are times when it almost feels like they’re parodying the original show. Karl Urban’s impression of Dr. “Bones” McCoy is just too good.
There are attempts to appeal to us ancient folk – we’ll be ancient dust particles by the time Kirk comes around. Alien Jaylah (Sofia Boutella) for example, enjoys rap music. As she explains, she “likes the beats and the yelling.” The other characters note that it is considered classical music.
I wonder which of our hits will be considered classics in Kirk’s time?
Kirk also rides a vintage motorcycle against the aliens – a move that might have been campy but since it was done right, it worked.
I enjoyed it. Honestly, I think the second one in this series (the one with Benedict Cumberbatch as Khan) was the best of the three.
This one has it high points but there’s something about it – maybe by now we’ve all come to know these new versions of the original characters. Maybe the plot wasn’t as involved as the other films – I don’t know.
I’m not saying it was bad. I just think the second was the best and this one didn’t top it. But it is still worth your time.
Very sad about Anton Yelchin’s tragic accident. Yelchin played Chekov in all three of the new movies including this one.
Nothing reminds me of the fragile nature of life than when a celebrity dies before his/her movie comes out and there I am, sitting in the audience, watching that person larger than life on the big screen yet in my mind I’m thinking “Oh, sigh, that person sadly isn’t with us anymore.”
Finally, just an observation. All the evil aliens are ugly. All the nice aliens are – well I’m not sure if “hot” is the right word lest I get accused of having a thing for aliens but all the nice aliens are pleasant looking.
Krall for example has a permanent angry glare and his henchman aliens all have sharp teeth whereas heroine Jaylah is basically just a hot chick who had some designs drawn on her face with magic marker.
Therefore, the plight of stereotypical ugly typecasting exists even in space. In the next film, I demand that the crew have an officer who is a hideous alien with sharp teeth. #OscarsSoPretty
The new Star Trek movie is out today, so I’ll ask, what is your favorite Star Trek episode or movie? The original, the Next Generation, all the other shows, movies, etc.
Ghostbusters with vaginas. What will they think of next?
Who you gonna call?
SPOILER BUSTERS.
Because…spoilers.
BQB here with a review of the revamped Ghostbusters.
I can’t think of another movie that inspired so much hype, controversy, nerd rage and socio-politcal debate.
So rather than an all out review, I’ll anticipate and answer the questions of my 3.5 readers.
WAS IT GOOD?
Yes. It was your pretty standard summer movie.
WAS IT BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL?
No, because that was too perfect. “Alexander wept because he had no more worlds to conquer.”
As a movie-goer, I weep because there’s very little Hollywood can do to wow me. All the special effects tricks have been discovered, CGI has been around forever, every line has been crossed, every boundary has been pushed.
The original film mixed special effects, action and comedy into something no one had ever seen before. I was wowed when I saw it as a little kid. Thirty some odd years later, I’ve seen it all now when it comes to movies. I suppose there won’t be a new boundary to push until they create some kind of immersive virtual reality movie or something.
Millennials, you’ll never experience the awe I did as a boy sitting in a theater with a crowd of people who had never seen life like ghosts on screen for the first time. But don’t feel too bad because all that really means in the grand scheme of things is I’ve got less time before I become a ghost than you do.
DID HAVING AN ALL FEMALE CAST RUIN THE MOVIE?
No. Anyone who takes up the Ghostbusters gauntlet has taken on a massive challenge. “Oh yes. Let me remake the movie that every adult remembers fondly from their childhood.”
No. No pressure at all.
But they did about as good as anyone could under that pressure.
They were funny. They played their characters well. In my opinion, Kate McKinnon as wacky inventor Holtzmann and Leslie Jones as “keeping it real” Patty stole the show.
I’M A WOMAN AND I FEEL THAT I AM DISCRIMINATED AGAINST DUE TO MY OWNERSHIP OF A VAGINA. WILL THIS FILM STOP THAT?
Probably not. McKinnon and Jones, as well as Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig were all believable as three scientists and a New York history buff turned paranormal investigators and eliminators.
They didn’t really do anything to overtly point out that “hey we’re lady Ghostbusters.” Instead, they went through the same difficulties the original Ghostbusters went through i.e. trying to figure out the science of ghost busting without blowing themselves up while the fate of the world is on the line.
That’s a lot of pressure for anyone, whether they have a penis or a vagina.
There was a running gag where they post their ghost footage to YouTube and have to deal with crackpot social media comments, an obvious dig at the online backlash the film went through.
WAS IT RACIST TO HAVE MADE LESLIE JONES’ CHARACTER THE ONLY NON-SCIENTIST?
Hmm. Well, I doubt that was the intent. Her character is a subway worker who in her spare time studies New York City history, thus her knowledge of what lies underneath the city and its history becomes essential to the team.
In other words, she wasn’t a scientist but she wasn’t dumb either.
WAS IT FUNNY?
There were times that I laughed. There were jokes that fell flat. Funniest moments came from Holtzmann, Patty, and the gang’s super dumb man-secretary, Kevin (Chris Hemsworth.)
For me personally, there were not any of the gut-busting, uncontrollable “I can’t stop laughing” laughs which is what you’d like to see in a Ghostbusters movie.
WAS IT JUST A REHASH OF THE ORIGINAL?
Yes and no. There were many repeats and homages to the fans’ favorite jokes and/or scenes. I’ll let you watch and pick them out on your own.
Plot wise, there is a lot of similarity. Scientists create inventions to catch ghosts. Because they are breaking new ground, they make mistakes along the way. The public can’t comprehend the existence of ghosts so they think the Ghostbusters are charlatans. They butt heads with the Mayor and the government. Oh, and Slimer.
The ghosts look great with modern CGI/special effects but again, something about seeing all that in 1984 when it was new made it more awesome.
But – there was a lot of effort to redevelop the plot. Without getting too spoilery, the villain, Rowan, is a big nerd who wants to get back at the world for all the bullying he went through by unleashing ghosts upon the world.
Most of the original cast members have fun cameos. Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, Ernie Hudson, Sigourney Weaver and Annie Potts stop by, not as their original characters but as random folks the new Ghostbusters meet along the way.
Sadly, Rick Moranis didn’t stop by though that would have been cool. Even sadder, Harold Ramis is no longer able to stop by but there was a touching nod to him.
AM I A HORRIBLE ANTI-FEMALE PIECE OF SHIT IF I DIDN’T LIKE THE MOVIE?
I don’t think so. You may have not liked it for any number of non-female hating reasons. Maybe you think Hollywood is filled with hacks who can’t come up with original ideas anymore. Maybe you loved the original so much you think it was blasphemous to create a new one (newsflash – the original one is still available and you can watch it anytime!)
You might even argue that as fans, we have long waited for the Ghostbusters to do something new. Yes, this is new but I mean new as in, don’t save New York again but perhaps delve into the myriad of possible threats that a team of ghost investigators might face.
In fact, given that three out of the four original Ghostbusters are alive and in relatively good condition given their age, one wonders if, in the right hands, a movie where we see what the old Ghostbusters have been up to for the past thirty years before they pass the baton to a new team might have been possible. Then again, I have to remind myself that would have only been interesting to anyone under 35 years old. Sorry over 35 crowd, but Hollywood just considers you a waste of space.
I liked it. I didn’t LOVE it. It isn’t something I’ll want to rewatch over and over. But as summer movies go, it did satisfy the prerequisites – i.e. I got to escape my problems for two hours and I had a good time.
BUT IF I DIDN’T LIKE THE MOVIE, IS IT DUMB TO SAY THINGS LIKE “OH MY GOD THIS RUINED MY LIFE” OR WHATEVER?
Yes. It’s just a movie.
WAS THERE SOMETHING AS AN ASPIRING SELF-PUBLISHER THAT YOU’D LIKE TO POINT OUT?
Yes. Abby (McCarthy) and Erin (Wiig) begin the film as estranged friends who once co-wrote a book about the existence of ghosts.
Years later after going their separate ways (Abby wanted to keep chasing ghosts while Erin wanted to pursue a career as a serious professor), Erin’s efforts to secure a tenured physics professor position become threatened when Abby puts their ghost book up for sale on Amazon, so she seeks out Abby to demand that she take the book down.
Self-publishing made it into a Ghostbusters movie!
WHAT STATUS DO YOU GIVE IT?
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. And due to the CGI ghosts, worth seeing on the big screen.
Bookshelf Battle 