Tag Archives: social media

Ask the Alien: The Esteemed Brainy One Checks BQB’s Pre-Zombie Stats

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondentshutterstock_122655487 copy

Greetings Earth losers.

It’s been awhile since I’ve communicated with with my “Ask the Alien” column.

That’s the column where you, the 3.5 readers, can submit a question to me, a representative of a higher species, and obtain not only the knowledge that will flow forth from my genius brain, but a plug for your book and/or blog as well.

And if you’re one of the few humans on the Internet without a book or a blog to hock, don’t worry, I’ll take your inquiry too.

As you may have heard, my Supreme Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, He Who Makes the Seas Rise, the Stars Shine, and the Breeze Blow and I’m Not Just Saying That Because He’ll Vaporize Me, has assigned me the mission of helping Bookshelf Q. Battler build his fledgling writer career.

Why he didn’t just ask me to teach a chipmunk how to build a nuclear reactor I don’t know.  That would have been easier.

Don’t tell the Mighty Potentate I said that.

Anyway, you 3.5 readers would be doing this alien a solid if you’d help in anyway you can/want to in promoting this blog.

Here’s the State of BQB’s Bookshelf as of Sept. 30, 2015:

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: 1,394

TWITTER FOLLOWERS: 6,148 – Follow @bookshelfbattle

GOOGLE + FOLLOWERS:  757 – Follow BQB on Google +

WATTPAD FOLLOWERS – 115 Followers – Follow BQB on Wattpad – His handle is also @bookshelfbattle

FACEBOOK – Likes for BQB’s “Bookshelf Battle” Facebook page are virtually nonexistent, and I personally blame Zuckerberg.  In addition to the Winklevoss twins and that Brazilian kid, you can add a pantsless alien to the list of beings you’ve screwed over, Zuck.

Anyway, let’s push BQB’s Facebook.  Like his page.  If you forget to like it  now, you can always like it later by visiting http://www.facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler

If I make it out of the zombie apocalypse alive, I’ll return with a report on how BQB’s stats have improved as a result of this zombie author interview-a-palooza.

Personally, I’d like to see BQB at 10,000 Twitter Followers, 1,000 Google Plus Followers, and 2,000 WordPress followers by the end of the year.

Mention BQB on your blog, share his links on your favorite time wasting social media site, or tell your friends, if you have any.  Increasing BQB’s stats would certainly get the Mighty Potentate off non-existent butt for awhile.

Don’t tell him I said that either.

Don’t forget authors, I’ll return (if I’m alive) to my regularly scheduled Ask the Alien column in November, so ask away and if it’s an inquiry worthy of my brain, I’ll answer it and promo your book and/or blog.

Esteemed Brainy One out.

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#31ZombieAuthors Begins October 1!

Hey 3.5 readers,shutterstock_142239163 copy

I’ve been working harder than a zombie chasing after a truck load of brains this past month.  It’s gone by so fast and I can’t believe thirty one people all came together so quickly to help me out.

This is going to be great.

So I don’t have much for you today as I’m still working on this project.

Whatever promotional support you can provide would be awesome.  Please feel free to blog about this or share the news on your favorite social media/time wasting website.

Don’t forget, you can find me here, on bookshelfbattle.com

On Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

On Google +

On Facebook – Please drop by my Facebook page!  I’ve been putting more of an effort lately into building it up.  My fanbase there is sort of non-existent at the moment.

On Wattpad – Note I will be sharing BQB’s Survivor’s Journal on Wattpad (though entries will appear here on the blog first) but you will have to read the blog for the interviews.

What a fabulous online community of writers we have that so many people were willing to help a nerd in need.

Mark your calendars.  Tell your friends.  Pop your pop corn and hold onto your brains.

October is going to be one fun month.

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How to Share Quotes from Your Wattpad Stories on Social Media

Hello 3.5 Readers.

I’m noted bloggery expert, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Check this out:

pcm

Yes, that’s a quote from “Pop Culture Mysteries:  Informant Zero.”

Jake crossed paths with a fiendish dominatrix.  She asked him to become her slave, but Jake wasn’t interested, having experienced three previous Mrs. Hatchers already.

Through wattpad, I’m able to share a quote like that on Twitter, Facebook, or a variety of social media websites designed specifically for the purposes of making the populace slow, fat, lazy, dumb, oh and also so that we share all our information so the government can spy on us and read our minds.

I’m not saying you should be worried that the government is reading your mind, but hey, a little tin foil on your head couldn’t hurt either.

3.5 Readers:  But BQB, how do I make one of those fancy quote graphics?

Thank you 3.5.  I’m glad you ask.  You want to make a graphic like this one?

dame

I feel ya,’ Jake.  Video Game Rack Fighter’s always after me about something.  Dames.  I tell you.

Or this one?

Pop Culture Mysteries Quote

Oh Professor Fremont, you slay me with your wit!

It’s simple, here’s how:

  1.  Log into Wattpad on your mobile device.
  2. Pick a word in your story and press your little finger down on it.  It might take a second or so.
  3. The word or words will be highlighted.  At each side of the highlighting, you’ll see a blue dot.  Drag the left blue dot all the way to the beginning of the quote.  Drag the right blue dot to the end of the quote.
  4. When you’re done, you’ll see a little box that says “comment.”  You can select that to comment on the quote if you want.
  5. But we want to actually share that quote, so click on the little quotation mark.  It looks like ”  I hope I didn’t actually have to tell you that.  I worry about your chances in the writing game if I had to.
  6. A photo with the background you provided for the story with the quote superimposed over it will appear.
  7. You’ll then have the opportunity to share it on your favorite time wasting social media surface.
  8. Congratulations!  You’ve managed to cram one more piece of media down America’s already bloated entertainment hole!

This has been your noble blog host, Bookshelf Q. Battler, a poindexter of world renown.

Join us next week when we’ll discuss how to glue your quotes onto rowdy chinchillas and release them into the world to spread news of your brilliance.

Attorney Donnelly just reminded me to point out that was just a joke.  Please do not glue your quotes onto chinchillas or any other animals.  They cannot be trusted.

Don’t forget, you can follow me, BQB on Wattpad or on Twitter with the same handle – @bookshelfbattle

CNITQ2VWEAAbaF2

Oh Jake, you are a cut up!  You’ll have 30.5 million readers in no time!

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Bookshelf Battle Inspires #BookshelfBattles


The “Remembering Barbara Mertz” Blog, inspired by the never-ending wars waged on my magic bookshelf, shared a few pictures featuring “bookshelf battles” involving some of Barbara’s favorite characters.

Barbara was a prolific writer, whose pen names included Elizabeth Peters and Barbara Michaels.

For more info, check out Barbara’s wikipedia page.

If I have to pick my favorite, it’d be this one:

mertz-interiors-009

– Photo from the “Remembering Barbara Mertz Blog.”

Mighty Jabba visits Egypt.  I like it.  And that green pig guard guy (quick one of you Star Wars nerds tell me what those green pig guard guys are called!) looks like something heavy got dropped on him.

SPOILER ALERT – The “guy” with the brown breather mask at the top right is actually Princess Leia in disguise.  Shh.  Don’t tell anyone.

You can see the others through the link above.  There are some “bookshelf battles” inspired by Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, more Star Wars, etc.

Personally, I’ve always been freaked out by Peter Jackson’s interpretation of Gollum.  I left those movies thinking Gollum was going to attack me in my sleep and demand his precious.  But maybe that’s a sign of Jackson’s special effects prowess.

You might remember awhile back, Liam Kozma, another one of my 3.5 readers, tweeted this picture of the North and South battling over the Mason Dixon Line on his bookshelf:

CGW46KCUYAEcden

So 3.5 readers, let me ask you this…

Can this become a thing?

Assemble your favorite toys on your bookshelves and tweet them to #bookshelfbattles and they’ll get retweeted and posted here.

If you don’t have twitter, just put the link in the comments on one of my posts.

What’s that Attorney Donnelly?  Oh right, obviously if your picture is naughty or salacious or something then yeah, it probably won’t meet this site’s stringent criteria etc etc.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #004 – Snubbed (Part 7) (Conclusion)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4   Part 5   Part 6

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

“Where the hell I was I?”

I was all alone, sitting in front of the library’s beep boop machine.

The lights switched off.shutterstock_71510056

“Oh thank God,”  Agnes said.  “You’re conscious again.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,”  the librarian replied.  “You were making me look up Nicki Minaj’s tweets and then you drifted off somewhere deep in thought, humming a song about someone named, ‘Honey.'”

“Ag, wanna help me wrap this mystery up?”

“Library’s closed,”  Agnes said as she pointed to the door, giving me the bum’s rush.  “Time to find a shelter, rummy.”

There was nothing I could do to convince Agnes that I wasn’t just one of an assortment of street people who wandered into the library all day seeking free shelter and wi-fi, constantly harassing her to cater to their every need and whim as if she was some kind of city employed maid instead of a trained researcher.

She handed me a stack of papers on the way out.

“Print-outs of everything else I found on the Nicki Minaj snub,”  the old lady said.  “I still think you need to find something better to do with your time than waste it on pop culture.”

“There’s 3.5 readers who disagree with you, doll.”

I pocketed the papers and shuffled my way out of the building, down the street aways until I found an all-night diner.

“How much for a water, sweetheart?”

“It’s complimentary,” the waitress answered.

“Then keep ’em coming.”

“Wow.  Big spender.”

I laid out the file full of info Agnes printed out for me.

The tacks were brass and it was time to get down to them.

1)  Was Nicki’s “snub” race related?

I understand I’m the wrong color to be saying that race relations have improved over the years.

However, I am the right age.  Though I stopped aging sixty years ago, I’m ninety-five and can tell you there was a time when interracial marriage was a sin, black people were denied access to basic opportunities taken for granted today.

I’ve seen black people shooed to the back of the bus, out of restaurants, chased away with dogs from the voting booth, you name it.

Society kept Peaches and I apart and that will always be a sore spot for yours truly, seeing as how society’s opinion was never asked for in the matter.

But, as an open-minded private dick, I get the flip side.  That folks aren’t openly treated like garbage just because of the color of their skin is all well and good, but the aftershocks of slavery and past oppression are going to be around for a long time.  Will black people ever feel truly welcome in the world?  Are there white people who hold certain biases, some of whom may not even realize it?

The President put it best:

It is incontrovertible that race relations have improved significantly during my lifetime and yours, and that opportunities have opened up, and that attitudes have changed.  That is a fact.  What is also true is the legacy of slavery, Jim Crow, discrimination in almost every institution of our lives, you know, that casts a long shadow and that’s still part of our DNA that’s passed on.  We’re not cured of it.

– Barack Obama on Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast

By the wayside, if any of you yahoos can explain to this gumshoe WTF a podcast is, it’d be appreciated.  All I gather is everyone and their brother has their own show now thanks to the wonders of modern technology.

Did MTV decide not to nominate Nicki for a couple extra awards because of the color of her skin?  Doubtful.

Could Nicki’s complaint be seen as a preamble for a discussion for a greater need for diversity in the entertainment industry?

Of course.

In my day, black singers were considered novelty acts.  Today, they’re widely accepted.

Still, you don’t see as many movies where the protagonist, i.e. the lead guy or gal, the one all the action is centered around, is black.  There’s some, but not many.

You’ll see a lot of supporting black actors.  I suppose that’s progress from my day, where if you were a black actor you were typecast as the maid, the butler, or some hoodlum the cops were rousting.

To paraphrase the Prez’s summation, things are better, but they could also get better.

2)  What about body-type-ism?

Hollywood is all glamour and pizazz.   Heavy on the style, hold the substance.

If you’re fat, or ugly, or you’ve got a crooked nose, or shingles, or a weepy eye, or facial fungus or any host of bodily issues, there’s a better chance of finding you on the Moon than there is in the next blockbuster.

Is that right?  Is that wrong?  Maybe that’s just how the cookie crumbles.

People listen to music and watch the boob tube to escape reality.  Average Joes and Josephines want to pretend their someone greater than they are and it’s hard to do that when the guy or gal on the screen looks like you.

But then again, perhaps that’s an indictment of today’s looks-conscious world, one that assumes the not hot folk have nothing to offer.

I’ve observed this problem since waking up.  You’ve got that Meghan Trainor gal and her All About That Bass song.

Not to scandalize you, 3.5 readers, but as a trained investigator, I’m able to read between the lines and I’m fairly certain “All About That Bass” is double-talk for Meghan’s corpulent posterior.

Therein lies the point.  The gal has an impressive set of pipes and can sing like all get out, but she’s a bit on the chunky side, so she has to address that fact in a song.

If you ask me, people should be able to appreciate a good voice and not give a toot about the size of the singer’s caboose.

To that end (no pun intended), Nicki might be onto something.

I feel sorry for today’s musical entertainers.

Do you know what a singer needed to make it big in my day?  A pretty dress and a fine set of vocal chords.  That’s about it.

I remember sitting in a grand hall, listening to Peaches fill it up, feeling blessed just to have known her.

She didn’t have to wiggle her butt to a beat like Nicki, or put on an Egyptian Princess outfit like Katy, or a meat dress like Lady Gaga or pretend to be an action movie star like Taylor.

Peaches sang.  The audience cheered.  That’s it.

Today, people have more choices on how to be entertained than ever before, and while that’s led to more artists working, the negative byproduct is that it also requires most of them to engage in some kind of goofy gimmick.

Alas, the music gets lost in the pageantry.

I see the manager is about to kick me out for ordering nothing but complimentary water, so I’ll close with a final observation.

Conclusions

It’s all about the evidence, ’bout the evidence, no speculation.

I see nothing that proves Nicki was snubbed due to race or body-type-ism and let’s face it.  Three out of five nominations is nothing to sneeze at.

However, in a world where people are often cast aside because of what they look like, there’s always room for a conversation about how that trend can be curbed.

Personally, as one of the most handsome and modest bastards around, I think that’s big of me to say.

shutterstock_278169329

Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.

All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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@bookshelf = 5,500 Followers on Twitter

3.5 Readers,

Why aren’t you following @bookshelfbattle on the Tweet-a-mob? (as our resident gumshoe Jake Hatcher calls it.)

You’ll get an extra dose of nerd, and once you go nerd, it’s all that you’ve heard.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #004 – Snubbed (Part 3)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1     Part 2

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

It was time to review the evidence.  The tweets themselves.  I stopped by the library in my fancy new ride and asked Agnes to pull them up for me.

This one from MTV stuck out at me like a sore thumb on the hand of man who’s been scratching himself all day:

“I don’t get it,” I said as I stared at the screen of one of the library’s beep boop machines.  “The media’s made it out like this gal was left out in the cold but here a reputable source like Music Television indicates she WAS nominated.”

“I don’t care, Jake,”  Agnes said.  “Music hasn’t gotten any better since Danny Kaye if you ask me.”

I felt a ba-bump in my heart and grinned like an idiot.

“What’s with that look?”  Agnes asked.

“Don’t ever change, Ag,” I said.  “Hell, if your face didn’t look more worn out than the first baseman’s glove during Game Seven of the World Series, I’d propose right here and now.”

“Whatever,”  Agnes said.  “I just wish the city would do something about all the transients who wander in here all day and make me look up nonsense for them.”

I’m pretty sure she was talking about somebody else.

Moving on, I asked Agnes to look up all of the VMA award nominees.  Here’s what I saw:

BEST FEMALE VIDEO

Nicki Minaj – “Anaconda”

BEST HIP HOP VIDEO

Nicki Minaj – “Anaconda”

BEST COLLABORATION

Jessie J + Ariana Grande + Nicki Minaj – “Bang Bang”

“She was nominated three times,”  I said.  “Agnes, can you believe the snow job the press is trying to pull here?”

“Uh huh,”  Agnes said as she pulled up a website called “Jobs-A-Plenty.”

“Let me see if I kind find something for you.”

“Go back to Tweeter,”  I commanded.

“Here we go,”  Agnes said.  “Dishwasher.  Minimum wage.  Will train.  This has your name written all over it.”

“I’m on the job right now, woman!  Will you put the blasted Tweeter-ma-bob back on already?”

“Ugh,” Agnes said as she complied.  “I swear society just doesn’t do enough to help the mentally unstable.”

“There!”  I said, tapping my finger on the screen.  “Right there!”

“So what?”  Agnes asked.  “What is so important about this that you’re interrupting my coffee break?”

This caper had become what I like to call a “Kaleidoscope Case.”  In other words, with every angle, there’s a new point of view.

Some of the ones I’ve heard so far:

  • Minaj is super rich and ultra famous.  Few people ever sniff that rarified air.  A lot of folks who have seen their dreams go bust would love to be in a music video and you wouldn’t hear them complaining about only getting three nominations.
  • Her biggest video is just a bunch of posteriors flapping in the breeze.  (That reminds me, I need to review it again for research purposes.)  Is it really deserving of any award?
  • But then again, she never said she wasn’t nominated at all.  “Nicki Got Snubbed” is just one more example of press hype.
  • What does “different kind of artist” mean?  Is she talking about race?  That she has a little more junk in the trunk than the skinny waifs that dominate the entertainment industry?  Both?
  • Forgetting about the butt content of her video, is it possible to see her tweet as a springboard to a conversation about racial and body type diversity in the music industry?

So many questions.  So little time.  And at the end of the day, I was only going to get five bucks.

I understand the “she’s too rich to complain” argument.

I even get the “Anaconda is just a bunch of butts wagging around and has no artistic merit” argument. (Though I might have to watch it again just to make sure.)

But as for race and body type diversity – I suppose there’s always a need for that conversation.

3.5 readers, you might think things are hunky dory these days, but it’s always a good idea to talk about the past so that it doesn’t get repeated.

Let me tell you about the racism I witnessed in my day.

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Bookshelf Q. Battler on Facebook

By:  The Yeti, International War Criminal/Fuzzy Snow Monster

The Yeti, Uninvited Correspondent

The Yeti, Uninvited Correspondent/BQB’s Nemesis

Obligatory roar.

What is this, this Facebook nonsense that you pathetic Americans insist on foisting onto the world?

I got on to my super charged Commodore 64 and here’s what I found:

“Oh look at me, I’m eating a burrito for lunch!  Let me take 507 photos of it and post them immediately.”

“Oh, yes, my smelly child said something adorable today.  Allow me to tell you all about it in excruciating detail.”

“I spent my morning shopping for sandals.  Aren’t I the incorrigible one?”

“Here’s my polarizing political opinion.  Disagree with me and you are the devil!”

“When it comes to candy, I’m for it!”

“Look, my dog is adorable.”

“Ahh, here’s me with a drink in my hand.  I am such a free spirit!”

“PATOOIE!” says this Yeti.

As you non-Yetis are aware, I was from Siberia.  (At least I was, until my sworn enemy Bookshelf Q. Battler imprisoned me deep below the bowels of the Bookshelf Battle Compound for my International Yeti War Crimes.

(There was an incident.  I tried to take down the Bookshelf Battle Blog to prevent it from spreading awesomeness across the globe.  I believe the only forms of entertainment that should be consumed are Olga’s Stewstravaganza and my book, 101 Ways to Ration Your Toilet Paper).

Anyway, Facebook is just another dumb example of evil American capitalist exploitation.  Sure, you all laugh and trade pictures of your lives on it, but Zuckerberg will have the last laugh when he uses your info to declare himself Emperor of the World.

Until then, I suppose you could check out Facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler – BQB’s Facebook Page 

Like it and you’ll get BQB’s nonsense directly into your feed, though why you’d want to read more of that jerk face’s ramblings I don’t know.

Yes yes, you all have fun on your blogs and social media and so on, living carefree lives while ignoring the plight of smelly yetis everywhere.

All I want to know is how you all share your damn vacation photos and mundane anecdotes all day long without passing out from the boredom.

Want to know how we used to punish people in the Siberian gulag?  We showed them our vacation photos and told them mundane anecdotes!

“Muah ha ha!  Confess to your crimes against Siberia or I’ll tell you about that Diet Coke I spilled on myself and show you photos of the lasagna I ate for dinner!”

Foolish Americans.  The fine videos provided by Paint Drying Media are the only form of American entertainment I like.

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5000 Twitter Followers – A Message to the Mighty Potentate

SECURE TRANSMISSION

TO:  The Mightiest of Potentates, He Whose Wonderous Nature Provides Smiles and Happiness in All Corners of the Universe

FROM:  Alien Jones, Your Humble Servant, Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

Respectful Greetings, Mighty Potentate!  Allien Jones here to report that Bookshelf Q. Battler has reached 5000 followers on the social media site known as “Twitter.”

How Aliens Send E-Mail

How Aliens Send E-Mail

As you are already aware because there is nothing our genius species doesn’t already know, Twitter is a communications site that limits the humans to a mere 140 characters.

Lab studies indicate that messages of 141 characters or longer cause the average human brain to implode from confusion.

Surely with this magnanimous achievement, I may now be released from my assignment of assisting BQB with his writing career.

I make this request, oh Exceptionally Macho One, for when I am able to cut loose from this nerd, er I mean, this bold new talent, I will be able to serve you better in your mission to bring peace and prosperity throughout the cosmos.

Why, at this very moment, I could be coordinating the charitable efforts to help the citizens of Lukanamo rebuild their planet after the recent and most devastating hurratyphoonicane.

(I keep advising the Regent of Lukanamo to stop letting his subjects build in hurratyphoonicane zones but does he listen?  Noooooo.

Infinite Respectful Closings, oh Unfathomably Brilliant One.

Your Humble Servent,

Alien Jones.

@bookshelfbattle has reached 5,000 twitter followers!  While an amazing feat, BQB is already drooling over the possibility of reaching 10K.  Help him out with a follow. You’ll get more awesomeness and updates about what’s happening at bookshelfbattle.com

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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BQB and the Meaning of Life – Part 25 – Lloyd Bunson

PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE…

READ

AND NOW BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE CONTINUES…

Sally’s web search resulted in a video of an old man in a tweed coat standing in his garage next to an ejector seat just like the one Vicky and I were plummeting to our imminent demises in.

Breakout Social Media Celebrity Lloyd Bunson, Host of "Lloyd Bunson's Happy Fun Time Ejector Seat Channel."

Breakout Social Media Celebrity Lloyd Bunson, Host of “Lloyd Bunson’s Happy Fun Time Ejector Seat Channel.”

“Hello,” the old man said. “My name is Lloyd Bunson and welcome to Lloyd Bunson’s Happy Fun Time Ejector Seat Channel.”

“Wow,” Vicky said. “They have a You tube Channel for everything!”

“Over the next ninety minutes, I’m going to show you how to properly care for, maintain, weatherize, clean, and store your ejector seat,” Lloyd said. “Proper maintenance is the only way to ensure that your ejector seat will provide you with many years worth of flinging yourself out of perfectly good airplanes.”

“JUST GET TO THE PART ABOUT THE PARACHUTE OLD MAN!” I screamed.

“I’m sure you all have so many questions…”

“I can’t believe this has ten million hits,” Vicky said.

A flock of birds buzzed over our heads.

“And the big one I get all the time is, ‘Lloyd, how the heck do I deploy the parachute on my ejector seat?’”

“YES!” I shouted. “TELL US HOW LLOYD!”

“Simple,” Lloyd said. “First, reach your hand approximately one foot underneath the center of the seat like so…”

I copied what Lloyd was doing.

Vicky closed her eyes and began mumbling a prayer.

“…once you’re under there, you’ll want to feel around for a string.”

“Got it, Lloyd!” I said. “Now what? For Christ’s Sake, hurry up, man!”

“Go ahead and give that string a good old yank…”

I yanked the string. Nothing happened.

“Are you screwing with me, Lloyd?!!!”

“After you’ve yanked the string,” Lloyd explained. “Look to your left and you’ll find that by pulling the string, you’ve opened up a compartment containing a green button and a red button….”

“Push the green button,” I said, moving my finger over it.

“Whatever you do, DO NOT push the green button,” Lloyd said. “Push the red button.”

“Seriously?” I asked.

“Seriously,” Lloyd said. “Fun story, the engineer who designed these contraptions was totally color blind.  So go ahead and hit that red button.”

I hit the red button. Nothing.

“You suck Lloyd!”

“Now you’ll find that on the right side of the seat, a blue lever has popped out,” Lloyd said.

Vicky looked at the side of her end of the seat.

“A blue lever!”

“Be sure to yank the lever up,” Lloyd said. “Because if you push it down, your seat will break apart and you will all surely die.”

“Why would they even build a feature like that into an ejector seat?” I asked.

“That’s what you get for buying a World War II surplus ejector seat that was built by Nazis,” Lloyd said.

Vicky yanked the lever up. A bright red parachute exploded out of the back of the seat. We immediately slowed down and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Damn Nazis!” I said.

“Now then,” Lloyd said. “Let’s talk about how to properly wax your ejector seat…”

Half of you looked up to see if there actually is a “Lloyd Bunson Happy Fun Time Ejector Seat Channel” didn’t you?  Admit it.

BQB and the Meaning of Life is ejecting for now, but the story will continue after an all new episode of Pop Culture Mysteries!

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