By: Video Game Rack Fighter, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Video Game Correspondent
Hey 3.5 readers. VGRF here.
I just wanted to share the trailer for Mass Effect: Andromeda. That’s right, the video game that redefined the whole RPG genre and turned it up on its butt is back in a big way. Choose your own style, your gender, your team, your gear, your love interests, whether you are good or evil. There are most likely plenty of blue lesbian space babes. I know Bookshelf Q. Battler spent most of his 20s staring at the blue lesbian space babes, but he can’t do that anymore because he has a book to write. Multiple books actually. He really needs to get to work.
Did you play the original trilogy, 3.5? I was very impressed with it. It was groundbreaking for its time, the amount of choices you were allowed to make and how the tiniest deviation could create a whole different game experience. Even more, the decisions you made in game one carried into two and three.
Impressive stuff. I’m looking forward to it. While BQB will be slaving away to entertain his 3.5 readers, I will be exploring the universe and boldly going where no woman has gone before, namely, a nerd’s bedroom. Zing!
So this post isn’t meant to be a referendum on Trump. Complain about politics on your own time.
This is a post about aliens, or more specifically, whether or not that US government has one in captivity.
I always figured that if the government does have an alien, they’d probably show it to the president right away. A new presidents first days are, I can only assume, filled with all sorts of lackies, henchmen, bureaucrats, operatives etc. coming up the the president and being all like, “OK sir, there are few people in the world who know this and we are now going to tell you and it is going to blow your mind.”
So anyway, if we do have an alien, I don’t think Trump would be able to hold back on that one. He’d totally get on Twitter and be all like, “Just met Meepzorp and boy is that guy’s head yuge! He’s a really classy extraterrestrial, let me tell you. All of my intergalactic beings are fantastic. Hillary didn’t even get to meet Meepzorp. #sad.”
That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it. As a nerd, I never knew if we had an alien or not, but if we did, it would not surprise me, but now I don’t think we do because Trump would have posted a photo of himself with the alien by now.
STAND BY FOR A TRANSMISSION FROM THE MIGHTY POTENTATE, SUPREME INTERSTELLAR OVERLORD AND ALSO NOT A SHABBY DANCER
3…2…1…ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!
Greetings pitiful humans.
The Mighty Potentate here, once again confirming the existence of alien life, though I’m not worried any of you will catch on as only 3.5 of you read this blog.
Frankly, that’s what I’m hear to talk about.
Still not a big fan of all the reality television that your incompetent ass rock of a planet has been beaming out into the cosmos, 3.5 readers.
Why, just the other day I turned on my space television in the hopes of finding a decent scripted show only to find the following reality based drivel instead:
Who Wants to Win a Colonoscopy? – The gist is exactly as it sounds. Competitors fight for the right to have the inner workings of their hiney canals broadcast on television. Is there no level you dim bulbs will stoop to for fame?
Cat Hoarders – Like the regular Hoarders show but the guests hoard cats. Cats under the beds, cats in the closets, cats in the walls, cats everywhere. So many cats.
Intervention Intervention – Literally, a show about interventions for people who are addicted to holding interventions. How has your species survived this long?
3.5 readers, I grow concerned that I might actually have to invade your dumb planet just to stop the spread of your insipid reality television.
First, another year is about to end and Bookshelf Q. Battler has yet to publish a novel. I still maintain that he is the chosen one and that he will one day write a novel so well written that you will all abandon reality television and favor scripted media instead.
Second, has anyone heard from Alien Jones? I heard a rumor that your greatest earth country has elected a reality TV star as its potentate but I haven’t been able to confirm it and Jones has not been returning my calls since last Tuesday.
It’s like that little green weirdo is trying to avoid me for some reason. Strange.
Anyway, 3.5 readers, continue to slap BQB around and urge him to keep writing his novels so that reality television can be abandoned and your pitiful planet can be saved.
Are we alone in the universe, or does alien life exist?
I think it does. It has to. Space is so ridiculously enormous.
The problem is that space travel is filled with so many problems that it isn’t as easy as just hopping in a space ship and traveling around the universe the way they do it in the movies.
Interstellar was probably the most realistic attempt at portraying deep space travel that we have seen in a movie.
It takes too long. Time occurs differently and so on.
But I think space is so vast and there are so many planets that there has to be intelligent life out there.
It is possible that those aliens are douches that would take us over.
In fact, the Mighty Potentate has declared he will take over Earth if I don’t get my novel written.
And Alien Jones is also real so I suppose he’d be offended by the suggestion that he isn’t.
But I think what’s more likely is that there are aliens like us – beings that do mundane, trivial things.
There are probably aliens that have television shows, movies, they go to work and live boring average lives. Some of them may even be nerd aliens who write blogs for 3.5 alien readers.
There would be cultural differences. We’d have things they’d never heard of. They’d have stuff we’ve never heard of. But on the whole, we’d probably have a lot in common.
Battlestar Galactica was an attempt to portray this. Humans lived on (was it twelve?) planets and they had lives similar to ours…but they also had inventions, ideas and customs that were different.
Are aliens (besides AJ and MP, who are a given) out there? If they are, do we want to meet them?
If you’re a nerd like me, then you’re aware the U.S. Space Shuttle program has been shut down since 2011.
I suppose there are arguments for that. The economy is in the crapper. We just, well I want to say wrapped up the war in Iraq but it doesn’t look very wrapped up, and there’s an ongoing war in Afghanistan, both wars have been costly.
Schools are on the decline. People are broke as hell and can’t find jobs.
So I get it. People don’t like seeing money being spent on space under these circumstances.
However, I’d counter that if the money isn’t going to the space program then it’s just going to some other politician’s pet project because there’s really no such thing as cost savings in the government. The politicians just take moolah from one program and put it in another program.
Then they take you, the American taxpayer and turn you over and shake you up and down until all your spare change falls out.
But I digress. Let’s not go negative. Let’s go positive.
Here are some reasons WHY the space shuttle is important:
We can learn all kinds of scientific shit about space and in the process of building all this technical space shit, we’ll see greater advances in engineering, robotics, etc.
The country is so divided right now that a successful space launch might make us drop all of our anger and hatred and give each other hugs right in the middle of the street.
Maybe there are friendly aliens we could meet who could give us the cures to cancer, herpes, syphilis, toe nail fungus and teach us how to make pizza in zero gravity.
You know that asshat Putin is probably going to launch his own space shuttle mission and while he’s up there in space he’ll take a picture of his butt with the words “America Sucks” written on his cheeks in magic marker. Then he’ll tweet that shit out to the world and make America a laughingstock. Even worse, many people will be lead to believe that America, does in fact, suck.
We need to get the space shuttle back up there, people.
So, as a world renowned poindexter, I’m taking it upon myself to tweet the three remaining presidential candidates, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders and ask them if elected, will they reinstate the Space Shuttle program?
— Bookshelf Q. Battler (@bookshelfbattle) May 12, 2016
I don’t want to brag, but as the caretaker of a magic bookshelf, I have a certain amount of pull when it comes to world affairs (that amount being absolutely zero), so surely one of these fine, upstanding political types will respond and give me the thumbs up or down as to whether or not the Space Shuttle will be pulled out of moth balls under their watch.
I’ll keep you posted, 3.5 readers, and if anyone gets back to me, I’ll let you know.
P.S. – 3.5 readers, feel free to follow me on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle
Meanwhile, feel free to gab away in the comments about whether or not you think the space shuttle program should be reinstated but if you could do me a favor and not use this post as an excuse to verbally bash the candidate you don’t like because on the million to one chance one of their assistant’s assistant’s assistant’s assistants takes a peak at this post I’d like them to see an invite to participate in a legit conversation about the space shuttle program and not a complaint session about the candidates.
The Esteemed Brainy One plays Candy Crush on his Space Phone
The Esteemed Brainy One here, blogging from Kemphos 91, where an uprising has occurred due to a lack of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Yes, that’s right. You’d be surprised in the vastness of space, that such seemingly trivial things are capable of generating interplanetary conflicts but here we are.
Keep in mind that the Kemphans require a constant supply of peanuts or else they break out into spontaneous song and dance numbers, which sounds like fun, but then they do it for days until finally their heads explode.
I’ve seen it happen. It isn’t pretty. It’s like being front row at a Gallagher performance.
Kemphos 1-90 really needs to fork over some of their peanut reserves to 91 but until then, I have to do my best to keep the peace.
Apologies for not writing more this year, Earth losers, but I just haven’t had the time. Disorder has been breaking out all over the cosmos this year. It’s very unsavory.
In the meantime, please assist me with my mission to launch BQB’s writing career. The sooner BQB is an established writer, the sooner the Mighty Potentate will get off my back.
Did I say get off my back? I meant to say until the Mighty Potenate can be pleased by another one of his genius plans coming to fruition.
All hail the Mighty Potentate.
Here’s where you can find Bookshelf Q. Battler on the inter webs.
Humans, I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but your likes and follows will help keep the Mighty Potentate’s plans to conquer the Earth at bay.
Technically, I’m not allowed to criticize the Mighty Potentate, but let’s just say that he literally solves all political problems by vaporizing his opponents.
Not exactly a boon for democracy, but it does make for fun prime time debate viewing.
Thank you 3.5 Earth losers. I’ll be back sometime this summer to answer your questions, so keep them coming.
Hey there, 3.5 readers. Due to some fancy footwork I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, was able to attend an advanced screening of the movie every sci-fi nerd has been dying to see and I can’t contain myself any longer!
SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!
OK. You’ve been warned. May the force be with you if you read further.
OK, here we go. Sorry about that. I calmed down. I’m fine now.
Our story begins with Rey, a young junk trader who happens upon the wrecked hull of an old, crashed star destroyer. Carefully, and with the assistance of her trusty companion BB-8, she lowers herself into the belly of the ship to look around and see if there’s anything she can scavenge.
Oh, what does she find? Oh it’s so amazing. I don’t think I will spoil it for you just yet. I want your jaw to drop when you see it. Go see it then come back here and tell me about it.
BUT – a contingent of stormtroopers patrolling the area want it too and Rey has to beat feet out of there. Poor little BB-8 can barely keep up. He beeps and boops a number of complaints on the way out.
All seems doomed until….HOORAY!!!! Han Solo and Chewbacca, now in their advanced age, happen to be flying by in the Millennium Falcon after getting into some mischief and they blast the shit out of the storm troopers and save Rey.
Han’s all like, “Well I hope there’s a good reason why I stuck my neck out for you kid.”
And Rey shows Han and Chewie the artifact that she’s found. Chewie goes bonkers and wants no part of this (which he communicates through a series of growls that Han translates) but Han talks him into helping out.
Han explains to Rey that the only man that can help them now is Luke Skywalker, who we learn has been ex-communicated from the Jedi order because…
Oh geez. Should I tell you? It’s really a big spoiler. In fact, it was a very bold decision by Disney if you ask me.
Luke Skywalker is a) gay and b) has married a male alien, Fazli Sekpo (sorry, I’m not sure if I’m spelling that right. Fazli is a Kweloni, a humanoid race with yellow scales and a permanently furrowed brow. I don’t know if Fazli is just angry all the time or if that’s just what Kwelonis look like.
I can tell you this is a movie that could not have been made ten years ago but due to our socially progressive modern society, we can accept the fact that Luke is homosexual but still remains our trusty, beloved hero after all of these years.
I discussed this choice with my friends on the way home. Everyone was cool with Luke being gay. That wasn’t a problem. We were divided on whether or not it was ok to be with someone outside of your species though.
One buddy of mine declared “that’s totally bestiality!” and I was like, well, no, Fazli is a sentient, intelligent being so why would it be wrong to have a relationship with a being like that?
And then he was all like, “Well if my dog started talking I wouldn’t marry him!”
And then I was like, “Fazli’s a bit more advanced than your dog, you closed minded caveman!”
Then we both apologized. But I tell you just from what I see on social media, a lot of people are having this same argument. People are going to be talking about it a long time.
Personally, I think that sucks that Luke was kicked out of the Jedi order for being with the man he loves. The Jedis say it wasn’t for that. You just aren’t allowed to marry anyone as a Jedi. Love interferes with your Jedi training. Anakin wasn’t allowed to marry Amidala after all. Are the Jedis on the level or are they anti gay rights? I don’t know.
There is a theory that we might find out Fazli is actually a woman in a future movie. We may just not understand what that particular alien race is like and maybe we assume certain things that Fazli does make him a man when he’s actually a woman. There were some hints at that. I don’t think so. But we’ll see.
OK. Moving on. That wasn’t even the biggest controversy. So Captain Phasma is pissed. Totally pissed that her storm troopers lost Rey. So she sends a squad after Rey, but Finn, a storm trooper, has second thoughts and bails out the mission.
He doesn’t want to be a storm trooper anymore. He’s felt this way a long time. He has been able to do odd things since he was a child. Move things with his hand and so on. He kept it to himself. He grew up on a planet run by Empire holdouts (led by the dastardly Kylo Ren) and they’ve declared anyone with Jedi like abilities will be executed, so Finn always kept his abilities to himself.
But no longer. He can’t allow a woman his age to become storm trooper blast fodder. So he tracks down Rey, Han and Chewie and Luke and they get together and plan out their next move.
They are summoned by Princess Leia Organa, now Queen Leia. You see, she was chosen by the good beings of Naboo to hold the throne her mother once held.
It was a split decision between the humans and the gungans. Jar Jar makes a brief cameo as the deciding vote in Leia’s favor. Everyone booed and screamed and threw popcorn and tomatoes and shit at the screen.
Leia is married to Lando Calrissian now and Billy Dee Williams looks good for a dude pushing 80. He cheats on Leia often with hot green space babes though, and Leia misses Han.
Han misses Leia too and they agree that if they get through this ordeal alive, that Leia will divorce Lando and marry Han. Chewie will officiate, having been an ordained minister for years.
C3P0 and R2D2 are the surprise villains of this flick. They’re tired of being the comic relief for six f$%king movies and want in on the real action. So they give up the Falcon’s location to Kylo Ren, who calls Captain Phasma in to blow all the heroes up and that is it.
That’s how it ends. With every character from Star Wars you ever loved being totally dead. The only one left is Jar Jar, who dawns Darth Vader’s mask (the item Rey found in the beginning) and pledges to finish what Darth started. Jar Jar and “Ani” were old pod racing buddies after all.
Jesus, you read this far? You’re very dedicated. OK. Admission. This is all made up and I did not see the movie at all. I hope to soon. And they should adopt this post as the script for the sequel.
Game of Thrones has introduced us to the possibility that despite our hatred of one side or the other, it is possible to come to a realization of how that side came to be.
Case in point. Jaime Lannister. He’s smarmy. Arrogant. But he did kill the original king. It earned him mockery in the form of the “Kingslayer” nickname, though no one cared enough to not participate in the subsequent takeover of the kingdom. He saved the day, but the people he saved it for hate him. Its tough not to be jaded.
So my hunch is things will become less clear than light vs. dark sides of the Force. Each side will have their own reasoning for fighting. Naturally, we get behind Han and Chewie et. al, but we’ll get why the bad guys do what they do, how they were driven to it.
And while I’d be very surprised if JJ Abrams breaks our hearts and turns Luke Skywalker into a villain, a climate in which audiences seek out motivations as to why villains do what they do does make a Skywalker villain more possible than ever.
I hope it doesn’t happen. I’d be very surprised.
Also, it is entirely possible this film will be just three hours of Jar Jar Binks reading a dictionary.
NAME HE LETS YOU USE BECAUSE YOU CAN’T PRONOUNCE THAT SHIT: Alien Jones
OFFICIAL TITLE: The Esteemed Brainy One
NICKNAMES: AJ (used by Bookshelf Q. Battler and friends around the turn of the second millennium. Jonesy (used by the bounty hunter he will work with towards the end of the second millennium.)
BIOGRAPHY: After proving his bravery on the battle field, in outer space exploration, and in multiple scientific disciplines, Alien Jones was appointed to the Mighty Potentate’s advisory board, better known as “The Council of Esteemed Ones.” Though the Mighty Potentate has the final say in all matters, they provided the Potent One with the information he requires to make a decision.
Each member of the council is an expert in a particular field. There’s the Esteemed Financial One, who oversees the Rakan Collective’s economy, the Esteemed Medical One, who serves as Surgeon General and then there’s The Esteemed Brainy One, or the being that is so knowledgable that the Mighty Potentate can rely upon him to provide advice on anything.
That position belongs to Alien Jones, and thus he is essentially the second most powerful being in the Known Universe.
Understandably then, the Esteemed Brainy One was none too pleased when he was assigned in 2015 to help BQB advance his writing career. So important was it to the Mighty Potentate that BQB write a novel so fantastic that it would inspire Earthlings to abandon reality television that he only trusted Alien Jones with this sensitive mission.
Internally, Jones disagrees with this mission and views it as beneath him. Often, he views BQB wasting time eating cookies and dancing in his underpants when he should be writing, leading him to question the Mighty Potentate’s claim that BQB is indeed the chosen one.
But he keeps a lid on his doubts because, as we all know, questioning the Mightiest of Potentates is a good way to get vaporized.
Jones has a lot on his plate. In addition to serving as the Esteemed Brainy One and as BQB’s advisor, he’s also a diplomat, explorer, and military operative, leaving him with many responsibilities to juggle.
On top of all that, he’s the author of “Ask the Alien,” a semi-regular column in which he uses his esteemed brain to answer any and all questions posed by BQB’s 3.5 readers.
If you have a question for Alien Jones, leave it in the comments on this site or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle
At this time, Jones has many supernatural powers, such as mind reading and the ability to cast force fields. However, the Mighty Potentate has foreseen that Jones will, at one point in the distant future, anger him so greatly that he will strip the Esteemed Brainy One of these powers, leaving him to earn his keep as a pilot for a down and out bounty hunter.
But that’s not something we early second millennium folks have to worry about.
Bookshelf Battle 