PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE…
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AND NOW BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE CONTINUES…
Sally’s web search resulted in a video of an old man in a tweed coat standing in his garage next to an ejector seat just like the one Vicky and I were plummeting to our imminent demises in.
Breakout Social Media Celebrity Lloyd Bunson, Host of “Lloyd Bunson’s Happy Fun Time Ejector Seat Channel.”
“Hello,” the old man said. “My name is Lloyd Bunson and welcome to Lloyd Bunson’s Happy Fun Time Ejector Seat Channel.”
“Wow,” Vicky said. “They have a You tube Channel for everything!”
“Over the next ninety minutes, I’m going to show you how to properly care for, maintain, weatherize, clean, and store your ejector seat,” Lloyd said. “Proper maintenance is the only way to ensure that your ejector seat will provide you with many years worth of flinging yourself out of perfectly good airplanes.”
“JUST GET TO THE PART ABOUT THE PARACHUTE OLD MAN!” I screamed.
“I’m sure you all have so many questions…”
“I can’t believe this has ten million hits,” Vicky said.
A flock of birds buzzed over our heads.
“And the big one I get all the time is, ‘Lloyd, how the heck do I deploy the parachute on my ejector seat?’”
“YES!” I shouted. “TELL US HOW LLOYD!”
“Simple,” Lloyd said. “First, reach your hand approximately one foot underneath the center of the seat like so…”
I copied what Lloyd was doing.
Vicky closed her eyes and began mumbling a prayer.
“…once you’re under there, you’ll want to feel around for a string.”
“Got it, Lloyd!” I said. “Now what? For Christ’s Sake, hurry up, man!”
“Go ahead and give that string a good old yank…”
I yanked the string. Nothing happened.
“Are you screwing with me, Lloyd?!!!”
“After you’ve yanked the string,” Lloyd explained. “Look to your left and you’ll find that by pulling the string, you’ve opened up a compartment containing a green button and a red button….”
“Push the green button,” I said, moving my finger over it.
“Whatever you do, DO NOT push the green button,” Lloyd said. “Push the red button.”
“Seriously?” I asked.
“Seriously,” Lloyd said. “Fun story, the engineer who designed these contraptions was totally color blind. So go ahead and hit that red button.”
I hit the red button. Nothing.
“You suck Lloyd!”
“Now you’ll find that on the right side of the seat, a blue lever has popped out,” Lloyd said.
Vicky looked at the side of her end of the seat.
“A blue lever!”
“Be sure to yank the lever up,” Lloyd said. “Because if you push it down, your seat will break apart and you will all surely die.”
“Why would they even build a feature like that into an ejector seat?” I asked.
“That’s what you get for buying a World War II surplus ejector seat that was built by Nazis,” Lloyd said.
Vicky yanked the lever up. A bright red parachute exploded out of the back of the seat. We immediately slowed down and breathed a sigh of relief.
“Damn Nazis!” I said.
“Now then,” Lloyd said. “Let’s talk about how to properly wax your ejector seat…”
Half of you looked up to see if there actually is a “Lloyd Bunson Happy Fun Time Ejector Seat Channel” didn’t you? Admit it.
BQB and the Meaning of Life is ejecting for now, but the story will continue after an all new episode of Pop Culture Mysteries!
Bookshelf Battle 