Monthly Archives: March 2016

How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 22

I loved the trial scene.

It got a little zany…almost Family Guy-ish in nature.

Smelly Jack was funny as he makes his defense.

And Judge Sampson – I wanted to really build it up that the Buchanan Boys were hated and despised across the country and now that they’d been caught, he was going to hang him high, thus making it a surprise that they avoid the gallows.

The villain of the story, Henry Alan Blythe, makes his first appearance. I’d like to work on that a little more, though he gets more of an intro in the next chapter.

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The courtroom buzzed as the Right Honorable Mortdecai Sampson took his seat. Bald with the exception of the white hair that grew out of his ears like unruly haystacks. Ugly teeth. A perpetually angry face. And a pair of wire rimmed spectacles he was always using to look down over his crooked nose at people with.

The Judge slammed his gavel down with enough force to crack a walnut. “ORDER!”

Everyone went silent. Smelly Jack sat at a small table, to which he was chained. His brother-cousins took up most of the seats. Slade and Gunther stood watch toward the front of the room. Joe and Knox were on either side. As usual, the younger Knoxes were in the back.

“Smelly Jack Buchanan…”

“HANDSOME JACK!”

Sampson pointed his gavel at the defendant. “SHUT UP! Smelly Jack Buchanan, you and your inbred family stand accused of committing a litany of heinous…

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How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 21

In wrestling, they have wrestlers called “heels.” Total jerks you love to hate.

That’s Smelly Jack.

I feel like this chapter builds up in the reader a sense of “Ugh I hope something bad happens to him.”

Also, in a previous chapter I have Bonnie stop short of using the C word and here, Jack stops short (thanks to Gunther) using the N-word.

It was my attempt of working swears in without really saying them, but as I continued, I realized they were inevitable as things heat up.

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A full week had passed since the capture of Smelly Jack and his villainous brood.  Rifle in hand, Slade led the processional. The town’s nosey citizens poured out of their shops and homes to watch the chained up criminals march toward the courthouse.

Knox took the left flank.  Gunther and Joe took the right.  The young Knoxes brought up the rear.

Jack was performing for the crowd.  “What a crying shame that an innocent man and his kin get railroaded just for passin’ through town!”

An old lady pelt him in the head with a rotten tomato.  He laughed it off.

“You people aint much on hospitality, I’ll tell you that!”

Swears, insults, obscene gestures and all kinds of abuse were heaped on the Buchanan Boys.  Jack reveled in it.  He even broke out into song.

“Nobody knows…the trouble I seen!  Nobody knows…my sorrow!”

Jack eyeballed Joe.  “Hey boy!  BOY!…

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Two Year Anniversary Stats

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Gratuitous Bookshelf Q. Battledog Photo

 

In two years of bloggery, I have made 1,240 posts and received:

37,577 views

20,698 visitors

Is this good?  I don’t know.  If there’s some expert out there, please tell me.

The highest number of views I received in a day came on February 9, 2015.  I think that was largely because someone was nice enough to put something I wrote on Reddit.  I had just announced the one post a day for a year challenge too so I think that made people somewhat curious.

In general, if I get between 30-50 hits a day it is a pretty average day.  It is nice when there are more views than hits.  I feel like that means people like what they see and want to keep looking around.

This has definitely been a labor of love.  I truly wish this technology had existed when I was 20 and had the ability to stay up two days straight writing term papers cranked up on Red Bull (shit, come to think of it, that could explain a lot of my problems now.)

But it is here now and I like it because every day brings at least one new follower and I hope all of these little drops in the bucket lead to a nice full bucket some day.

(A nice full bucket of people who will buy the book I can’t seem to finish.  What?  Did I say that?  No.  I do it for the art.  Money schmoney.)

If you haven’t done so yet, please follow me on:

Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

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Wattpad – @bookshelfbattle

And don’t forget to LIKE me on Facebook

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  Please keep it up and help a nerd’s dream come true.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 62

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“BRAINS!!!”

The undead muttered that word over and over.  They stretched their arms out in front of them, trudging forward ever so slowly.

“Get behind me, my dear!” Doc said to Annabelle.  She didn’t waist any time stepping behind the good doctor as if he were a human shield.

“Could this be the end?” Doc asked.  “Doctor Elias T. Faraday of Boston, Massachusetts…”

“Oh Jesus,” Gunther said.  “Not that again.”

“…but no relation to the Chestnut Hill Faradays, those lousy pickpockets…cut down in his prime before he was able to make his mark on history?”

Blake, Townsend, and the Reverend joined Sarah in hiding under the pews.

The creature with the eyeball hanging out of its socket lunged at Gunther.  The old man braced himself.  That big disgusting mouth opened wide and…a knife was pushed through it.

The blade was drenched in blood but Gunther recognized it.  It was his.  It was pulled back.  The body fell to the floor, revealing Slade.

The ex-marshal made quick work of the other two creatures, stabbing each through the forehead, letting their bodies collapse in a heap.

Slade handed the knife to Gunther, handle first.  The old man took it, wiped off the blood and guts with a handkerchief, then returned it to the sheath on his belt.

“Blake,” Gunther said.

The group’s resident troublemaker popped his head up.  He sneered as soon as he saw Slade had returned.

“I hate to say I told you so,” Gunther said.

“Took him long enough!” Blake complained before ducking back under his pew.

Gunther looked out the window.  He was dismayed to see that Slade was alone.

“Miss Bonnie?” the old man asked.

Slade lowered his head, then shook it from side to side.

Gunther took off his hat and held it over his heart.  “Aw hell.”

Annabelle cried.

Slade found Sarah.  He helped her up and sat down with her.

“You’re not the marshal anymore,” Sarah said.

“I know,” Slade said.

“You can’t save everyone,” Sarah said.

“I know,” Slade repeated.

“Why would you risk your life for someone you hardly know?”  Sarah asked.

“I…”  Slade didn’t want to lie but didn’t think this would be the best time to come clean either.  “I don’t know.”

“So what now?”  Gunther asked.

“We should go,”  Slade said.

“I’ve been saying that all night!” Blake hollered from under his pew.

“Stow it,” Gunther said, and then to Slade, “Can you believe this shit?”

“No,” Slade said. “But there’s over a hundred of them out there.  Pulling people out of their houses and eating them alive.”

“Mother of God,” Gunther said.  The old man pulled out his knife and stood watch by the window, ready to strike any more attackers.

Slade left Sarah with Annabelle and joined his ex-deputy.

“What do you think?”  Slade asked.

“I don’t know,” Gunther said.  “The Injuns?”

“What?” Slade scoffed.  “The curse?  That was just mumbo jumbo, wasn’t it?”

“Maybe,” Gunther said.  “But I’ve heard tales of Injuns having mysterious powers.”

Slade winced and rubbed his head.  “The telegram.”

“What?”  Gunther asked.

“Uxley,” Slade said.  “The marshal from Colorado.  This was what he was trying to warn everyone about.”

“Shit,”  Gunther said.

“And those soldiers,” Slade continued.  “They shot a man in the head after he died.  They knew to do that…”

Gunther finished Slade’s sentence for him.  “…because they’d seen the dead rise up before.”

The two men kept staring out the window.

“The government lied to us,” Slade said.

“Nothing new there,” Gunther replied.

“Why would they tell us to stay put when they knew this was happening all over the country?”  Slade asked.

“To save their oily hides without causing an eastward exodus,” Gunther said.

“You wanted to go,”  Slade said.  “I should have listened to you.”

“You should have,” Gunther said.  “But don’t second guess yourself now, son.  Who could have predicted this shit?”

“I still can’t believe it,” Slade said.

“Me neither,” Gunther replied.  “And I’ve been alive so long I thought I’d seen everything there is to see twice.”

A floorboard creaked behind the duo.  Unbeknownst to Gunther and Slade, Blake had found enough courage to come out from under his pew.  He’d been standing behind them and listening in on their conversation for awhile.

“YOU KNEW?”

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How the West Was Zombed – The Plot

I have to admit – I wasn’t entirely sure of the plot in the beginning and looking back, it shows.

After thinking of various plots, the one I went with:

  • Henry Alan Blythe is lead counsel for the Legion Corporation, secretly run by a board of dastardly vampires.
  • Zombies can be created when a person a) drinks vampire blood and then b)dies.  The vampire who supplied the blood can control the zombies (Blythe, here.  Also, when he doesn’t control them, they’re just free range zombies who trudge around and bite at will)
  • Doc Farraday has unwittingly sold an elixir that contains, among other things, vampire’s blood across the West.
  • From Colorado onward, zombies have destroyed everything, and werwolves (allies to vampires) are herding them East…
  • …to get on a train so they can be transported across the Mississippi and unloaded in the East, so they can cut a line of destruction and mayhem all the way to Washington, D.C.
  • Slade, who never backs down and his deputy, Gunther, who makes a strong case for backing down, must stop this from happening…
  • …and they’ll find out about it when the Buchanan Boys, fans of Doc’s elixir, get shot in a duel and become zombies
  • And when Miss Bonnie’s saloon is blown up, creating more zombies.
  • Blythe is an adept mastermind and the board should really sit back and enjoy his work.
  • But Slade is resistant to glamour (vampire hypnosis).  Vampires can look into most humans’ eyes, find out what they want and deliver a mental promise they’ll have it if they just do whatever the vampire wants them to do.  But Slade has such little belief in “hope” that he can’t be exploited that way.
  • Thus, the board thinks Slade has darkness in him and could be turned into an ally.
  • Which is basically my way of explaining why Blythe doesn’t just shoot Gunther and Slade in the back of their heads and then take a nap 20 minutes into the story to begin with.  He does want to, but he’s a good employee.
  • A boy werewolf, who recently learned how to be a werewolf so he isn’t very good at it, will teach Slade and co all about vampires, werwolves, and zombies.
  • SPOILER ALERT – Blythe has evil shenanigans planned vis a vis Slade’s two women, something evil in an attempt to make Slade so upset and angry he turns evil.
  • SPOILER ALERT – And he has to stop the zombie train.  While riding on Miles the Amateur Werewolf’s back as his furry steed so I can put it on the book cover.
  • SPOILER ALERT  – The West ends up “zombed” or full of zombie, thus giving me the chance to write more ridiculous sequels and maybe sell enough copies to treat myself to a night out at Applebees.

QUESTION – This is pretty much the dumbest thing ever written, right?  Is any of this coming across to you as you read?

Should I just give up? 

 

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 20

Joe and Miles really know what the telegrams are about. Explanation as to why they don’t tell anyone, because who would believe them?

I believe I will change this to Joe knowing an organized zombie invasion is on the way, perhaps it is something Blythe has long planned and he knew about from his days as a henchman

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Midnight.  The criminals snored and shifted in their seats.  Smelly Jack was having a difficult time drifting off seeing as how he was chained to two of his brother-cousins.  Slade and Gunther were outside on the porch.  The oldest Knox was fast asleep.  The two younger Knoxes were locked in a heated debate about whether or not Jesse James was an outlaw or a hero.

Joe walked to the pulpit, which Miles was using as a desk to draw his latest masterpiece.

“Are we leaving?” the boy asked.

Joe answered his son’s question with a question. “I’m that obvious?”

“I can smell your fear,” Miles replied without looking up.  This time he was working on a pirate ship, complete with sails, masts, cannons, and little pirates on deck.

“You don’t smell so brave either,” Joe said.  “I don’t know anyone who could at a time like this.”

“Should we go now…

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 19

Resolving the telegram issue…and Slade learns too late that Bonnie wanted him after all.

It’s like that Chris Rock routine about how no women want him when he’s single but when he’s with a woman, every woman is after him.

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Back at the church, Slade walked in on a gentleman’s game of pinochle.  No money was at stake. It was just a means of passing the time.

“One of you suckers is cheating,” Knox declared.

“You say that every time,” Gunther replied.

“That’s because there’s always a sucker who’s cheating,” Knox said.

Joe smirked and studied his hand.

The younger Knoxes weren’t playing.  They were more interested in the magnificent hawk Miles was sketching with a pencil on a piece of paper he scrounged up.

“Looks so real,” George said. “Who taught you how to do that?”

“My Mama,” Miles said.

Slade took a load off.  Gunther slid the blueberry muffin tin across the table.

“A gift from Miss Bonnie.  I had to rescue them out of the dirt after she discarded them upon the sight of you canoodling with your new paramour.”

Only one muffin left.  Slade, a frequent…

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 18

A lot of things happening here.

1) I wanted to show that Highwater is near the Mississippi River. And near a railroad bridge that crosses it. And that Legion is a railroad company that sends trains over the bridge.

(SPOILER – have you figured it out yet that Blythe is in town to oversee a zombie shipment across the Mississippi on its way to attack the East?)

2) I’m going to take out the part where they dump red liquid into the water. I was basically going to later go into a whole thing where they poison the water supply so everyone becomes a zombie but it seemed like it’d just be a new direction.

3) Slade proposes. Too early? Yes. But I don’t think people dicked around back then like they do now. I’m a man. You’re a woman. We like each other, let’s get married. You didn’t have to do this whole song and dance routine where you have to pretend to be a platonic friend for a million years before you can ask her out for a chili cheeseburger or some shit and even then it’s at least 500 dates before you can ask her anything more personal than what she thinks about the weather.

4) The bedsheet thing. I don’t know about you – I thought it was funny.

Look, just throwing it out there, you could make an argument that Slade should just tell Bonnie to get lost. She’s a prostitute and she rejected him and Sarah’s a nice, wholesome woman who didn’t hesitate to go after him.

But, she’s interpreted the bible to mean all her uh various lady parts still belong to her dead husband, thus only sex through a hole in a bedsheet is allowed.

I said pillowcase up here. I have to change that to bedsheet.

Sure, make fun, but that’s how the Amish do it. Or is it the Orthodox Jewish people? I don’t know.

It’s one of those things that you know – a thing that upsets you that seems like a deal breaker that you find out AFTER you’ve agreed to be with the person.

That’s why I say every first date should be like a job interview where everyone just lays their shit out on the table to see if it stinks.

And I even leave room for the possibility this isn’t that terrible. Hell sex through a bedsheet is better than none at all, right?

But yes – long story short, remember how I said the challenge was Bonnie and Sarah both have their good qualities and it’ll be hard for Slade to choose?

This will be Slade’s sticking point. Poor Slade.

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After lunch, Slade and Sarah took a constitutional along the banks of the Mississippi River, which flowed just outside Highwater, hence the town’s name.

They arrived just in time to catch “The Belle of the Ball,” a massive red and white steamboat, make its way down river. Happy passengers toured the deck, men in suits, ladies in full length dresses carrying parasols.

“I would love to take a journey on one of those one day,” Sarah said.

Most quick witted men would have seen that statement as an “in” to slip in an offer to take Sarah on a boat ride. Slade, on the other hand, just grunted.

Sarah took Slade’s arm and rested her head on her shoulder. “At the risk of sounding like a ninny I must say I’ve enjoyed the past few days with you, Rain.”

“Mmm hmm,” Slade replied.

“Have you as well?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“I…

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 17

I had a good time writing this chapter.

So here we learn that Miss Bonnie has changed her mind, she is about to tell Slade she wants to be with him and is on her way to apologize to him with some muffins as a peace offering.

Then she spots him having lunch with Sarah and flips her lid.

She has a rapport with Gunther. He teases her that she’s dressed…well nicely instead of like a call girl as usual.

By the way, later in the story I never explain whether she sticks with this outfit or returns to prostitute wear. I decided to let the reader decide.

It made me laugh that various townsfolk walk by, say hello, and refer to Miss Bonnie as “Whore.” Like – “Hello Gunther. Hello Whore.”

She’s so used to it she doesn’t care.

The way it always goes, isn’t it? That person you like doesn’t like you until you like someone else.

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No makeup. No fancy hairdo. Not even a garter or lingerie or a frilly dress. Miss Bonnie strolled out of the Bonnie Lass wearing a simple white blouse and a blue prairie dress, her hair tied back in a pony tail with the help of a pink ribbon.

She carried a tin of blueberry muffins, purchased from Anderson’s General Store, of course. It was the thought that counted.

Rain,” she mumbled to herself under her breath. “I’m sorry. I’m very sorry? No. I’m sorry’s good enough. Hell, what do I have to be ‘very’ sorry for?

As one might expect, the local brothel keeper turned a few heads as she walked by. No one had ever seen her dressed in a respectable manner before.

For the first time since her divorce courtesy of Smith and Wesson, Miss Bonnie felt ready to give her heart to another man…

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